• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

I want to kill myself.

menidiatis said:
I always like to tell myself, there is no dusk after which dawn will not come, no darkness the light won't eventually vanquish. And even during the darkest of times, there is always a glimmer of hope to light one's path to salvation.

I have also been suicidal in the past, although my problems were not anything close to the severity of what you describe, so I have a faint idea of what you are going through. Feel free to message me at any time if you need someone to talk to, I will do my best to answer as fast as possible.

All the best <3
Click to expand...
I always remind my self of a line in a pearl jam song which goes no matter how cold the winter there's a springtime ahead nznity things do get better you will feel better
 
Sunyecho said:
@nznity I don't how much this matters to you but as it paints a bigger picture Ill write it. Have been reading your posts for several years now. You are one of the few persons that I actually kind of follow. Follow your story that is. From your morphine + mad quantity cocaine days through Im quitting morphine and all will be great period to this current predicament. I never contacted you as I felt I have nothing smart to add. Plus I am jealous cause you have an access to pure cocaine (and am tweaker in my heart) but I am aware that I putting me in your shoes would be a death sentence for me. When I consider all things I don't think that things would go well for me if I was reincarnated with this mindset in Peru. So I stayed away from replying. Have been reading and cheering for you though. Why this rant? Well if somebody from the other side of the globe feels a connection so strong that he is "following and cheering" and you don't even know that this person exist - than you can be sure you matter and mean a lot to people around you. Maybe that's not enough to make you feel less bad but I felt obliged to share. Your body your life. Your gains and your pains. You are deciding cause it is you who is feeling the consequences. I will not preach. But I want to say to you that you matter in the ways you didn't even thought. This post is a proof of that. I really hope your pain becomes bearable and that your life takes a turn that would make living more desirable than not living. That's all. Damn...it sucks to see people hurtin. I hope suffering will ease off.
Click to expand...
Mannn, trust me having access to pure cocaine and morphine at a cheap price almost destroyed me completely in every single aspect of my life. I have over a year without those substances and don't miss them at all. Too much damage done to the people that care about me, money spent, the deceiving, cheating, stealing, lying. I just couldn't take it anymore. But for some odd reason I'm still alive, I truly believe I still have a mission to do in this planet, if that car didn't run me over its a bloody ficking sign. Thanks for those words bro, I I would hug u if I could. 💯❤💫
 
nznity said:
Mannn, trust me having access to pure cocaine and morphine at a cheap price almost destroyed me completely in every single aspect of my life
Click to expand...
I can imagine... If one is predisposed it will take them down. Or better said - if ones nature doesn't fit the environment he lives it is more probable that taking those substances will lead to trouble. As they are great first aid but a terrible long term solution for problems of life...

nznity said:
But for some odd reason I'm still alive, I truly believe I still have a mission to do in this planet, if that car didn't run me over its a bloody ficking sign.
Click to expand...
It is easy to say it (and harder to live it up) but I will anyways - it seems that life is telling you that your suffering serves a purpose. You have inspired me, that's for sure - and thank you for that. :)


nznity said:
Thanks for those words bro, I I would hug u if I could. 💯❤💫
Click to expand...
I know. I can feel your emotions. That's why I read what you write. It is very familiar song. From depths of hell to highs of Andes....and cycling rapidly like an continuous seizure. I could be reading too much but you seem like a very sensitive instrument and allow life to play it's tunes. It is really hard when the trough takes you to valley of pain and despair but exhilarating when you surf the crests. It's tough to get the balance right if you have that range of emotions.

Hope you will ride this through and settle at some frequency that is not too extreme. Easier to say than achieve but that is something I am aiming at. Hope you find more stability. :) ❤
 
nznity said:
Mannn, trust me having access to pure cocaine and morphine at a cheap price almost destroyed me completely in every single aspect of my life. I have over a year without those substances and don't miss them at all. Too much damage done to the people that care about me, money spent, the deceiving, cheating, stealing, lying. I just couldn't take it anymore. But for some odd reason I'm still alive, I truly believe I still have a mission to do in this planet, if that car didn't run me over its a bloody ficking sign. Thanks for those words bro, I I would hug u if I could. 💯❤💫
Click to expand...
Over a year of sobriety from those substances is nothing to sneeze at. Many people are unable to achieve what you have already done. That is a sign of your inherent strength. Anyone would and should be proud.
 
nznity said:
Mannn, trust me having access to pure cocaine and morphine at a cheap price almost destroyed me completely in every single aspect of my life. I have over a year without those substances and don't miss them at all. Too much damage done to the people that care about me, money spent, the deceiving, cheating, stealing, lying. I just couldn't take it anymore. But for some odd reason I'm still alive, I truly believe I still have a mission to do in this planet, if that car didn't run me over its a bloody ficking sign. Thanks for those words bro, I I would hug u if I could. 💯❤💫
Click to expand...
I'm so sorry you've had to experience all this physical pain and the mental anguish attached to it. Just something to think about is that AFAIK substance withdrawals and hospital anesthetics don't usually mix very well. When you went to the hospital originally, they would have had to place you under general anesthesia to complete the corrective operations. So the fact that covid delayed this could be considered a very tiny silver lining on an otherwise black fucking cloud. Now you are a year clean from the drugs and when the operations do take place, you will have a healthier recovery.

One time I was at the bottom mentally and washed down a bunch of painkillers and muscle relaxers with a fifth of Jack Daniels. Chugging the bottle of Jack alone was probably enough to end me. When I woke up 2 days later I realized since I wasn't dead that 1) I'd fucked up royally and 2) that maybe I do have something to live for after all.

They say the Lord works in mysterious ways but I'm not religious, so I say the world works in mysterious ways. You've been given a third chance on life. Like you said, you still have a mission to do on this planet. We are sending good vibes your way. I hope you find your mission and knock the ball outta the park.
 
my heart goes out to you, you are strong for reaching out, so many care and want to help, i cant imagine the struggle, feel shame for feeling as i do,bemoaning such trival challenges in comparison, i honor and respect you for such honesty
 
nznity said:
Well idk where to start off this shit,
most of you might know my story somewhat (10+ years plus if polydrug use from codeine to mdma to iv morphine, coke and crack cocaine)
Thing is I've struggled with mental depression, back pain, 5 stints in rehab, blablabla
I've been the black sheep of my fucking family for years on end, I've had so many opportunities to reinvent myself but I just kept relapsing worse and worse as the years went by.
I've struggled to stay clean aswell, I've had small periods of time were I was clean from everything but they wouldn't last long (3 months top)
Long story short, when the pandemic hit hard in my country (I'm based in 🇵🇪Perú for the ones who don't know it) I was struggling hard to stay away from morphine IV but to quit that, I switched to crack cocaine.BAD FUCKING MOVE I MADE
For the first half of 2020 I became severely addicted to crack cocaine since blow is utterly cheap in my country. Cocaine is so fucking insidious, I thought for a while I was controlling it until I started doing retarded shit to get more (selling my jewelry, my clothes, SNEAKED INTO MY BROS ROOM and sold his stuff for more drugs) on top of this I was still shooting up morph every once in a while like once errr 15 days.
Until everything fucking went to shit on my bday last year(Aug 14th 2020) my 26 bay.
I bought enough blow to fucking do a hotshot but since I'm a mother fucking addict, I did a test shot and went bad shit crazy....spilled most of the rest of the coke, started harming myself with a razorblade and jumped out of a 3rd story window.....now guess what, I fucking landed on a sand bag from my neighbor's and nothing fucking happened....
But I was on such a psychotic breakdown I wanted to fucking die, that's all I wanted to do.
So, I left the house and went to the a highway Bridge nearby that was like 9 ft tall and waited for a car to pass by and let myself go.....
Thing is I landed on the concrete and fucking didn't die.
I had several fractures and what not..... Thing is that was at the height of the pandemic at my country so they couldn't have surgery on me at the hospital and let me go....
Now, it's been a year I've been bedridden and my prognosis isn't good.... I went to the DR a few weeks ago and had x-rays done. I have to go again to the hospital on the 9th Dec but I feel such shitty. I haven't walked in so long my muscles are so fked up and I feel so weak the Dr said I need multiple surgeries just to TRY yo rehabilitate me... I feel so hopeless and depressed right now I feel like swallowing a gram of morphine along with some benzos to never wake up again.
I haven't told this shit to anyone irl (like the actual true story) but I know you guys won't judge me at all.
I feel so fucking bad right now, I needed to get this shit out of my chest.....srry for the long post but things are so fucked in my life right now(I'm 27 and just the thought of never walking again scares the shit out of me)
All this shit that happened, my reg depression, plus gabapentin wds are driving me insane. I just think about Killing myself everyday, fuck this is such a contradiction bcz I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live Like this anymore..... I don't know what to say, just thanks for reading me.... I want to fucking dissappear from this planet and stop the suffering......
Click to expand...
Hey just wanted to come give you some support, you’re not alone. Firstly, I completely understand your physical pain. I was in a car crash about a year ago that nearly killed me. I broke my back & had to have surgery. A year ago I had just turned 27 & couldn’t believe I fucked my body up so badly. I was bedridden in the hospital during Covid, so no one could even visit me. I was also dope sick from not having any Xanax (that I got off the street) or my daily dose of methadone that I got every morning from the clinic. Hospital wouldn’t give me my methadone, don’t know why, and I was in the worst physical pain I could ever fathom while also being dope sick off Xanax and methadone. I was in hell. I was lonely, in extreme pain, dope sick & feeling like I had no reason to live. I remember wishing I would have died in the accident and thinking that if someone had come up & handed me a loaded gun, I would pull the trigger without hesitation. It was a long road, but once I learned to walk again I pulled myself back up.

Being in the kind of pain we both have been in really fucks with your mental state and you stop thinking right. I’ve been where you are & I really sympathize with you. What is the reason you haven’t been able to have surgery yet? I was a little confused on that. What are your injuries specifically? You can message me any time you want to talk, sounds like we’re about the same age too. I’d really like to help you out of that dark hole I was in a year ago, if I can 💜
 
mX5Aevc.jpg
 
n3ophy7e said:
I LOVE Pearl Jam <3 They are my all-time favourite band <3 Very nice reference :)
Click to expand...
Thanks my brother have seen Pearl Jam more then any other band and just so glad we still got Eddie here with us Layne and cornell felt like losing brothers
 
yubacity said:
Thanks my brother have seen Pearl Jam more then any other band and just so glad we still got Eddie here with us Layne and cornell felt like losing brothers
Click to expand...
YES!!!! Me too! I've lost count of how many times I've seen PJ live :) <3 Cornell absolutely broke my heart. I will be inconsolable on the day that Eddie dies. He is one of my idols <3
 

“Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.”​


― Khalil Gibran nznity this quote is from the prophet by said author started reading it after listening to river of deciet by mad season where layne sings our pain is self chosen opening lines hit me in a way hope you like it
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top