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I want to kill myself.

nznity

nznity

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 24, 2017
Messages
7,883
Well idk where to start off this shit,
most of you might know my story somewhat (10+ years plus if polydrug use from codeine to mdma to iv morphine, coke and crack cocaine)
Thing is I've struggled with mental depression, back pain, 5 stints in rehab, blablabla
I've been the black sheep of my fucking family for years on end, I've had so many opportunities to reinvent myself but I just kept relapsing worse and worse as the years went by.
I've struggled to stay clean aswell, I've had small periods of time were I was clean from everything but they wouldn't last long (3 months top)
Long story short, when the pandemic hit hard in my country (I'm based in 🇵🇪Perú for the ones who don't know it) I was struggling hard to stay away from morphine IV but to quit that, I switched to crack cocaine.BAD FUCKING MOVE I MADE
For the first half of 2020 I became severely addicted to crack cocaine since blow is utterly cheap in my country. Cocaine is so fucking insidious, I thought for a while I was controlling it until I started doing retarded shit to get more (selling my jewelry, my clothes, SNEAKED INTO MY BROS ROOM and sold his stuff for more drugs) on top of this I was still shooting up morph every once in a while like once errr 15 days.
Until everything fucking went to shit on my bday last year(Aug 14th 2020) my 26 bay.
I bought enough blow to fucking do a hotshot but since I'm a mother fucking addict, I did a test shot and went bad shit crazy....spilled most of the rest of the coke, started harming myself with a razorblade and jumped out of a 3rd story window.....now guess what, I fucking landed on a sand bag from my neighbor's and nothing fucking happened....
But I was on such a psychotic breakdown I wanted to fucking die, that's all I wanted to do.
So, I left the house and went to the a highway Bridge nearby that was like 9 ft tall and waited for a car to pass by and let myself go.....
Thing is I landed on the concrete and fucking didn't die.
I had several fractures and what not..... Thing is that was at the height of the pandemic at my country so they couldn't have surgery on me at the hospital and let me go....
Now, it's been a year I've been bedridden and my prognosis isn't good.... I went to the DR a few weeks ago and had x-rays done. I have to go again to the hospital on the 9th Dec but I feel such shitty. I haven't walked in so long my muscles are so fked up and I feel so weak the Dr said I need multiple surgeries just to TRY yo rehabilitate me... I feel so hopeless and depressed right now I feel like swallowing a gram of morphine along with some benzos to never wake up again.
I haven't told this shit to anyone irl (like the actual true story) but I know you guys won't judge me at all.
I feel so fucking bad right now, I needed to get this shit out of my chest.....srry for the long post but things are so fucked in my life right now(I'm 27 and just the thought of never walking again scares the shit out of me)
All this shit that happened, my reg depression, plus gabapentin wds are driving me insane. I just think about Killing myself everyday, fuck this is such a contradiction bcz I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live Like this anymore..... I don't know what to say, just thanks for reading me.... I want to fucking dissappear from this planet and stop the suffering......
 
nznity said:
Well idk where to start off this shit,
most of you might know my story somewhat (10+ years plus if polydrug use from codeine to mdma to iv morphine, coke and crack cocaine)
Thing is I've struggled with mental depression, back pain, 5 stints in rehab, blablabla
I've been the black sheep of my fucking family for years on end, I've had so many opportunities to reinvent myself but I just kept relapsing worse and worse as the years went by.
I've struggled to stay clean aswell, I've had small periods of time were I was clean from everything but they wouldn't last long (3 months top)
Long story short, when the pandemic hit hard in my country (I'm based in 🇵🇪Perú for the ones who don't know it) I was struggling hard to stay away from morphine IV but to quit that, I switched to crack cocaine.BAD FUCKING MOVE I MADE
For the first half of 2020 I became severely addicted to crack cocaine since blow is utterly cheap in my country. Cocaine is so fucking insidious, I thought for a while I was controlling it until I started doing retarded shit to get more (selling my jewelry, my clothes, SNEAKED INTO MY BROS ROOM and sold his stuff for more drugs) on top of this I was still shooting up morph every once in a while like once errr 15 days.
Until everything fucking went to shit on my bday last year(Aug 14th 2020) my 26 bay.
I bought enough blow to fucking do a hotshot but since I'm a mother fucking addict, I did a test shot and went bad shit crazy....spilled most of the rest of the coke, started harming myself with a razorblade and jumped out of a 3rd story window.....now guess what, I fucking landed on a sand bag from my neighbor's and nothing fucking happened....
But I was on such a psychotic breakdown I wanted to fucking die, that's all I wanted to do.
So, I left the house and went to the a highway Bridge nearby that was like 9 ft tall and waited for a car to pass by and let myself go.....
Thing is I landed on the concrete and fucking didn't die.
I had several fractures and what not..... Thing is that was at the height of the pandemic at my country so they couldn't have surgery on me at the hospital and let me go....
Now, it's been a year I've been bedridden and my prognosis isn't good.... I went to the DR a few weeks ago and had x-rays done. I have to go again to the hospital on the 9th Dec but I feel such shitty. I haven't walked in so long my muscles are so fked up and I feel so weak the Dr said I need multiple surgeries just to TRY yo rehabilitate me... I feel so hopeless and depressed right now I feel like swallowing a gram of morphine along with some benzos to never wake up again.
I haven't told this shit to anyone irl (like the actual true story) but I know you guys won't judge me at all.
I feel so fucking bad right now, I needed to get this shit out of my chest.....srry for the long post but things are so fucked in my life right now(I'm 27 and just the thought of never walking again scares the shit out of me)
All this shit that happened, my reg depression, plus gabapentin wds are driving me insane. I just think about Killing myself everyday, fuck this is such a contradiction bcz I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live Like this anymore..... I don't know what to say, just thanks for reading me.... I want to fucking dissappear from this planet and stop the suffering......
Click to expand...
Your not alone I've very close to suicide more than once and I was serious about it
 
nznity said:
Well idk where to start off this shit,
most of you might know my story somewhat (10+ years plus if polydrug use from codeine to mdma to iv morphine, coke and crack cocaine)
Thing is I've struggled with mental depression, back pain, 5 stints in rehab, blablabla
I've been the black sheep of my fucking family for years on end, I've had so many opportunities to reinvent myself but I just kept relapsing worse and worse as the years went by.
I've struggled to stay clean aswell, I've had small periods of time were I was clean from everything but they wouldn't last long (3 months top)
Long story short, when the pandemic hit hard in my country (I'm based in 🇵🇪Perú for the ones who don't know it) I was struggling hard to stay away from morphine IV but to quit that, I switched to crack cocaine.BAD FUCKING MOVE I MADE
For the first half of 2020 I became severely addicted to crack cocaine since blow is utterly cheap in my country. Cocaine is so fucking insidious, I thought for a while I was controlling it until I started doing retarded shit to get more (selling my jewelry, my clothes, SNEAKED INTO MY BROS ROOM and sold his stuff for more drugs) on top of this I was still shooting up morph every once in a while like once errr 15 days.
Until everything fucking went to shit on my bday last year(Aug 14th 2020) my 26 bay.
I bought enough blow to fucking do a hotshot but since I'm a mother fucking addict, I did a test shot and went bad shit crazy....spilled most of the rest of the coke, started harming myself with a razorblade and jumped out of a 3rd story window.....now guess what, I fucking landed on a sand bag from my neighbor's and nothing fucking happened....
But I was on such a psychotic breakdown I wanted to fucking die, that's all I wanted to do.
So, I left the house and went to the a highway Bridge nearby that was like 9 ft tall and waited for a car to pass by and let myself go.....
Thing is I landed on the concrete and fucking didn't die.
I had several fractures and what not..... Thing is that was at the height of the pandemic at my country so they couldn't have surgery on me at the hospital and let me go....
Now, it's been a year I've been bedridden and my prognosis isn't good.... I went to the DR a few weeks ago and had x-rays done. I have to go again to the hospital on the 9th Dec but I feel such shitty. I haven't walked in so long my muscles are so fked up and I feel so weak the Dr said I need multiple surgeries just to TRY yo rehabilitate me... I feel so hopeless and depressed right now I feel like swallowing a gram of morphine along with some benzos to never wake up again.
I haven't told this shit to anyone irl (like the actual true story) but I know you guys won't judge me at all.
I feel so fucking bad right now, I needed to get this shit out of my chest.....srry for the long post but things are so fucked in my life right now(I'm 27 and just the thought of never walking again scares the shit out of me)
All this shit that happened, my reg depression, plus gabapentin wds are driving me insane. I just think about Killing myself everyday, fuck this is such a contradiction bcz I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live Like this anymore..... I don't know what to say, just thanks for reading me.... I want to fucking dissappear from this planet and stop the suffering......
Click to expand...
I’m so sorry for everything that you have been through and are currently going through. Living with all kinds of pain both physical and emotional is such a painful predicament and anyone that says living is easy is lying.

My best friend took his own life in July of this year. He used drugs to give himself a stroke. My best friend’s mother and siblings and children are all having mental and emotional breakdowns from the thoughts of his death. I often get phone calls from his dear mother who calls me crying her heart out and it hasn’t gotten any easier for her to this day.

My friend was going through a lot of pain and to him, his situation seemed hopeless but if he could see the pain inflicted on his daughters, son, mother, and siblings I’m sure he would reconsider for a moment.

I admire people who can see that our lives are relatively short and that it’s a fluke that we even exist and people who can keep that perspective; I’m definitely not one of those people.

I don’t believe that people shouldn’t take their own lives as I believe everyone is entitled to that individual right but please consider the people in your lives who love you and who you could potentially hurt by taking ones own life.
 
If ya want, message or ring me any time.
Ya got my number.

... You're too fucking young to give up on life just yet friend.
See what surgery can achieve ; there's nothing to lose but potentially something to gain.

I've often felt like ending it, but the thought that 's always kept me back is that the end comes to us all sooner or later in any case. Why hasten the inevitable. The trouble with the final decision is that it's final, and you never get the chance to see what good things might have been round the corner.

💟
 
Man, we spoke a little about your trying to walk again but I had no idea about all this.

I am so fucking sorry man. That's an amount of pain that most people wouldn't be able to handle, but here you still are. You have an inner strength that can carry you through all situations, and don't forget that.

Keep pushing and try to hold on tight, things can get better, even if it feels hopeless now.

I don't know if you believe in God or anything, but consider at least that maybe you are here for a reason. Your existence could very well save someone else's life, and I think that alone might be something worth living for.

I will pray for you man, and send as many good vibes to you as I can. Please hold on, you have our support, and if there's anything at all I can help you with, please don't hesitate to ask.
 
nznity said:
Well idk where to start off this shit,
most of you might know my story somewhat (10+ years plus if polydrug use from codeine to mdma to iv morphine, coke and crack cocaine)
Thing is I've struggled with mental depression, back pain, 5 stints in rehab, blablabla
I've been the black sheep of my fucking family for years on end, I've had so many opportunities to reinvent myself but I just kept relapsing worse and worse as the years went by.
I've struggled to stay clean aswell, I've had small periods of time were I was clean from everything but they wouldn't last long (3 months top)
Long story short, when the pandemic hit hard in my country (I'm based in 🇵🇪Perú for the ones who don't know it) I was struggling hard to stay away from morphine IV but to quit that, I switched to crack cocaine.BAD FUCKING MOVE I MADE
For the first half of 2020 I became severely addicted to crack cocaine since blow is utterly cheap in my country. Cocaine is so fucking insidious, I thought for a while I was controlling it until I started doing retarded shit to get more (selling my jewelry, my clothes, SNEAKED INTO MY BROS ROOM and sold his stuff for more drugs) on top of this I was still shooting up morph every once in a while like once errr 15 days.
Until everything fucking went to shit on my bday last year(Aug 14th 2020) my 26 bay.
I bought enough blow to fucking do a hotshot but since I'm a mother fucking addict, I did a test shot and went bad shit crazy....spilled most of the rest of the coke, started harming myself with a razorblade and jumped out of a 3rd story window.....now guess what, I fucking landed on a sand bag from my neighbor's and nothing fucking happened....
But I was on such a psychotic breakdown I wanted to fucking die, that's all I wanted to do.
So, I left the house and went to the a highway Bridge nearby that was like 9 ft tall and waited for a car to pass by and let myself go.....
Thing is I landed on the concrete and fucking didn't die.
I had several fractures and what not..... Thing is that was at the height of the pandemic at my country so they couldn't have surgery on me at the hospital and let me go....
Now, it's been a year I've been bedridden and my prognosis isn't good.... I went to the DR a few weeks ago and had x-rays done. I have to go again to the hospital on the 9th Dec but I feel such shitty. I haven't walked in so long my muscles are so fked up and I feel so weak the Dr said I need multiple surgeries just to TRY yo rehabilitate me... I feel so hopeless and depressed right now I feel like swallowing a gram of morphine along with some benzos to never wake up again.
I haven't told this shit to anyone irl (like the actual true story) but I know you guys won't judge me at all.
I feel so fucking bad right now, I needed to get this shit out of my chest.....srry for the long post but things are so fucked in my life right now(I'm 27 and just the thought of never walking again scares the shit out of me)
All this shit that happened, my reg depression, plus gabapentin wds are driving me insane. I just think about Killing myself everyday, fuck this is such a contradiction bcz I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live Like this anymore..... I don't know what to say, just thanks for reading me.... I want to fucking dissappear from this planet and stop the suffering......
Click to expand...
Look, you don't mention serious nerve damage or paralysis ; so that's the worst possible thing that could have happened.
The problem according to your account is because of the pandemic you couldn't receive surgery immediately, so your fractures malhealed.

What you need is a surgeon who specializes in reconstructive orthopedics.
I believe there are at least two in your city in actual fact (no idea if the consultant surgeon at your hospital is one).

It is possible to intentionally re-fracture a broken hip or pelvis that has healed wrong, in order to fit the bones together in a better alignment.
Obviously this is a major procedure, and you'll have a lengthy recovery process including a lot of physiotherapy to regain strength and flexibility in your legs , but as long as there's no permanent significant nerve damage there is no reason why you should not regain mobility.

Honestly to you, I could not face life immobile like that either. BUT I would put myself through every available treatment FIRST.
That way, if the results were not what I decided I could live with, at least I'd be making that decision rationally, in the knowledge I've exhausted all the possibilities, instead of throwing away my existence on an instant of despair. We've only exchanged a few chats but you come across as a wonderful guy. You DESERVE to give yourself every chance.

PS in the meantime it will be beneficial if your legs are regularly massaged and manipulated gently through their range of movement. Is there anyone who can do this for you -?

Best of wishes (and my offer stands if you just need to sob out your heart to someone).
 
Last edited:
Thank everyone for the support, means a lot to me guys. Well actually my hip isn't really broken, it's actually dislocated on both sides to a point where I need a protesis on each side. Then my right arm is like locked up, I can't flex it. It isn't broken either it has to do with tendons and ligaments. They need to cut up my elbow and repair my tendons, prolly stretch em or some other shit. Yeah I need at least 3 surgeries and a whole year of intense physical therapy to overcome this. I really don't wanna fucking die, it's just like living like this is such a burden and it's starting to fuck up my mental health. Can you imagine being in your bed 24/7 for 15 months straight? Fuck, it's unbelievable but there must be some shit I still have to do in this planet cause that night I tried to kill myself twice and im still alive. And yeah I have no other injuries besides that, this is stupid it would have been a single surgery if it wasn't for covid but well it's God's plan for me, that goes beyond my reach.
Ty again @The UltimateFixx @deficiT @dragonix @Opi_Kid_Rock @Ganjcat
Much love guys
 
LaCuNa said:
So it's dislocated or broken(I'm not good at reading x-rays)?
Click to expand...
I dont have any broken bones luckily(?) If u can see the femur on both sides are dislocated, especially the left one. I need a prothesis there.
 
My brother you will heal and things do get better sounds corny but it's true most of us here been in a hole and at the time it feels like nothing can make it better it does get better my brother. Suicide not the way to go because its final ansd take it from me who has lost someone to it destroys the people who are left behind . Stay strong bruv life is a battle you got to fight
 
Oh please don't feel so badly ♡🕊

I sure wish I could trade places with you.

It ALWAYS takes time HOWEVER I AM SURE you can do this.

It is REALLY easy you just make an effort and do just a little at a time. You will be just fine.
Just keep trying sometimes those little steps will finally turn into big changes !!!
 
This is so painful even to read, I cannot begin to fathom how horrible you must feel going through this. My prayers go to you brother, I wish I could give you some practical advice on what to do, but the suffering I have had in my life is a joke compared to what you talk about in your post. All I can say is to seek support and help, ANY FORM OF IT! Professional, some friends you are close with, family members who don't consider you a black sheep etc. Having emotional support from humans who care about you and love you is invaluable, but even the help of somebody whose job is to help people in such situations can help you feel a lot safer than going through this alone. I wish you all the best. Keep us updated.
 
@nznity I don't how much this matters to you but as it paints a bigger picture Ill write it. Have been reading your posts for several years now. You are one of the few persons that I actually kind of follow. Follow your story that is. From your morphine + mad quantity cocaine days through Im quitting morphine and all will be great period to this current predicament. I never contacted you as I felt I have nothing smart to add. Plus I am jealous cause you have an access to pure cocaine (and am tweaker in my heart) but I am aware that I putting me in your shoes would be a death sentence for me. When I consider all things I don't think that things would go well for me if I was reincarnated with this mindset in Peru. So I stayed away from replying. Have been reading and cheering for you though. Why this rant? Well if somebody from the other side of the globe feels a connection so strong that he is "following and cheering" and you don't even know that this person exist - than you can be sure you matter and mean a lot to people around you. Maybe that's not enough to make you feel less bad but I felt obliged to share. Your body your life. Your gains and your pains. You are deciding cause it is you who is feeling the consequences. I will not preach. But I want to say to you that you matter in the ways you didn't even thought. This post is a proof of that. I really hope your pain becomes bearable and that your life takes a turn that would make living more desirable than not living. That's all. Damn...it sucks to see people hurtin. I hope suffering will ease off.
 
nznity said:
@yubacity @hylite @menidiatis thank you guys for those words of encouragement, I know I'm in a dark place right now but there's light at the end of the tunnel...always. ty again, means alot.❤❤❤🧡💛💚💙💜💫💫💫
Click to expand...
I always like to tell myself, there is no dusk after which dawn will not come, no darkness the light won't eventually vanquish. And even during the darkest of times, there is always a glimmer of hope to light one's path to salvation.

I have also been suicidal in the past, although my problems were not anything close to the severity of what you describe, so I have a faint idea of what you are going through. Feel free to message me at any time if you need someone to talk to, I will do my best to answer as fast as possible.

All the best <3
 
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