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28 year old male. libido pretty much gone since I was around 23

Captain.Heroin said:
You might just really enjoy masturbating more than sex with others... due to social anxiety. OCD is about compulsively doing things to prevent obsessive thoughts causing anxiety/worries. Imagine you may not "have OCD" but are doing an OCD-like pattern to avoid rejection or anxiety of intimacy or... whatever (there's many other "phenomena" that may prevent you from naturally seeking out sex with others? I can't know as I seek sex out with others and haven't all the personal knowledge I could on such a subject?).

I will relate this to post getting clean "using dreams" I get. They will become less frequent with time.

Wet dreams normally happen more when you're younger, less when you're older. At your age I'm not surprised you're getting them but, how many times a month are you having an orgasm?

Like how many days will you go between orgasms no matter how achieved?

How long can you go on average before a wet dream happens in your sleep?

Part of good sex is creating a feeling of being at ease in yourself and between you and your partner to help them become at ease, forming a connection while having sex, respecting each other's boundaries, doing what feels good for both of you etc. A lot of this is 100% "unnecessary" in masturbation. Sex might be seen as "work, psychologically trying" etc. to people who are not "into it".

It's important to have sexual experiences at appropriate ages/times in your life to start learning how to have an interpersonal connection with someone on that level. A lot of it is "lost on someone" with a rich inner life (which porn pushes you further into and normally does not draw you out of).

Honestly porn does not "do it for me" and I'd have to be frustrated beyond belief and backed up to want to jerk it off to porn now.


It would be really disappointing to fool around with another guy only to find out that you don't like it, are still sexually-socially anxious and feel trapped more into a "jerking off routine".

Let yourself have fantasies about what you want. Don't be afraid to experiment or fool around with men or women that you want to and feel comfortable with / are open and honest with.

There might be a bigger "expectation" on sex with women for whatever reason; I cannot know (because I'm not actively aiming for sex with women... I'm really not, nor have I had sex with women in ... a long time...).

If your thoughts are mostly on you/your body during sex it is possible you are gay (but again I cannot know, I'm not straight) but when I had sex with women normally my thoughts were on both of our bodies, not just mine... if that makes sense. The same goes for now (if I was just thinking about my body during sex I wouldn't have sex, I would just masturbate). I really get off with someone else thinking about both of us.

Do you have problems socializing or talking to people you know as friends or family? How about strangers? Is it easy for you to strike up a random conversation with someone?
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Captain.Heroin said:
You might just really enjoy masturbating more than sex with others... due to social anxiety. OCD is about compulsively doing things to prevent obsessive thoughts causing anxiety/worries. Imagine you may not "have OCD" but are doing an OCD-like pattern to avoid rejection or anxiety of intimacy or... whatever (there's many other "phenomena" that may prevent you from naturally seeking out sex with others? I can't know as I seek sex out with others and haven't all the personal knowledge I could on such a subject?).

I will relate this to post getting clean "using dreams" I get. They will become less frequent with time.

Wet dreams normally happen more when you're younger, less when you're older. At your age I'm not surprised you're getting them but, how many times a month are you having an orgasm?

Like how many days will you go between orgasms no matter how achieved?

How long can you go on average before a wet dream happens in your sleep?

Part of good sex is creating a feeling of being at ease in yourself and between you and your partner to help them become at ease, forming a connection while having sex, respecting each other's boundaries, doing what feels good for both of you etc. A lot of this is 100% "unnecessary" in masturbation. Sex might be seen as "work, psychologically trying" etc. to people who are not "into it".

It's important to have sexual experiences at appropriate ages/times in your life to start learning how to have an interpersonal connection with someone on that level. A lot of it is "lost on someone" with a rich inner life (which porn pushes you further into and normally does not draw you out of).

Honestly porn does not "do it for me" and I'd have to be frustrated beyond belief and backed up to want to jerk it off to porn now.


It would be really disappointing to fool around with another guy only to find out that you don't like it, are still sexually-socially anxious and feel trapped more into a "jerking off routine".

Let yourself have fantasies about what you want. Don't be afraid to experiment or fool around with men or women that you want to and feel comfortable with / are open and honest with.

There might be a bigger "expectation" on sex with women for whatever reason; I cannot know (because I'm not actively aiming for sex with women... I'm really not, nor have I had sex with women in ... a long time...).

If your thoughts are mostly on you/your body during sex it is possible you are gay (but again I cannot know, I'm not straight) but when I had sex with women normally my thoughts were on both of our bodies, not just mine... if that makes sense. The same goes for now (if I was just thinking about my body during sex I wouldn't have sex, I would just masturbate). I really get off with someone else thinking about both of us.

Do you have problems socializing or talking to people you know as friends or family? How about strangers? Is it easy for you to strike up a random conversation with someone?
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I would not consider myself generally socially anxious. There are those times where conversing with anyone can be awkward if I don't know them well or not in the best mindstate. But in general I would not say I have issues talking to friends and family. I would say I have definitely have had confidence issues talking to women however. I just feel my brain at this point only really knows porn and what my hand feels like. I guess it's because there is less pressure on me. I have never actually brought a girl to bed with me that I was attracted to when seeing her naked. That combined with the pressure to perform can't be good for me. I know ever since I was 13 there were probably some guys who I felt a certain way towards. It's hard for me to explain. I never got off at the thought of actually having sex with another guy. I have googled images of big penises before so I'm not sure what that actually means lol and I enjoy the site of it when I watch heterosexual porn. I find having a drink or 2 in me can do something do my libido. I made out with a girl once who I wasn't totally attracted to but this was with some alcohol in me. I also had my first actual case of blue balls and I'm pretty sure I was precumming a bit during the act. I'd say I'd have an orgasm maybe a few times a week if I'm masturbating. However, it's not really the same sexual enjoyment it used to be for me when I was younger.

I agree with the feeling of ease. I would try to bring girls back to my room just for the sake of "getting it in" and even with foreplay there was always a lot of pressure on me. I'd like to believe with the right girl with the possible help of cialis/viagra I will be able to make it happen, but I probably need to be in a good mindstate. I am not convinced I am quote on quote gay because I feel like I still like women. I always enjoy porn with women in it. I think my brain is just on burnout right now so my feeling for sex are confused.
 
Also another thing I would like to add, my brain never was able to associate the feeling of love with sex very well. When I think of love I think of cuddly feelings. When I think of sex, I simply think of getting off. I think it's just how I was trained from porn.
 
Throughout puberty highschool and a bit of college I would have enjoyable fantasies about women. I never really had "fantasies" about men although it's something I'd imagine in my head for a second.
 
also to answer your other question, recently it was like a week of not jerking off before I came in my sleep.
 
I smoke weed a few times a week too, was wondering if that was it. Went a month without it but didn't do much for me since I was not in a good sober mindstate. wondering if I need to take a certain combo of medications.
 
Ok so just find guys or girls you want to fool around with and do what comes naturally... I know this might be anxiety provoking for someone not used to it?

I was always a horn dog. I don't know. This is why people drink.

It's not why I need a fucking beer BUT I NEED A DRINK. It's a need, not a want. I'm really mentally not alright right now.

Helping you out even a little is the only thing I can do to make the world a better place so I'll read the rest of your posts when I calm down... I'm NOT ok right now...
 
Medications like viagra or cialis don't help you achieve orgasm, they only help you attain a full erection. If you are experiencing ED issues talk to a doctor honestly. There's doctors that care and want you to have a good sex life. They're probably not the majority of doctors but they exist. At least I sure hope so it's not like I'm seeing any doctors right now, I fucking hate doctors and largely do not trust them.

I'm going to need to go buy like 2 cases of beer before I can keep reading... my mind is so self-sabotaging I can't keep a positive flow of thoughts it always turns negative...
 
tazz20 said:
Also another thing I would like to add, my brain never was able to associate the feeling of love with sex very well. When I think of love I think of cuddly feelings. When I think of sex, I simply think of getting off. I think it's just how I was trained from porn.
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Combining cuddling lovey feelings with sex in one passionate act is very nice, you have to try to combine those.

I've met people who try to segregate those facets of their life. It's very hard. I normally am such a passionate lover I can't imagine why people wouldn't want "all of it" unless it's "just sex" and I like both at once. It's fun I don't know. Perhaps I'm a warm lover.
 
tazz20 said:
also to answer your other question, recently it was like a week of not jerking off before I came in my sleep.
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that sounds normal.

Do you not want to pursue sex on day 4, 5, 6, 7? I'm practically going out of my mind if I'm not.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Medications like viagra or cialis don't help you achieve orgasm, they only help you attain a full erection. If you are experiencing ED issues talk to a doctor honestly. There's doctors that care and want you to have a good sex life. They're probably not the majority of doctors but they exist. At least I sure hope so it's not like I'm seeing any doctors right now, I fucking hate doctors and largely do not trust them.

I'm going to need to go buy like 2 cases of beer before I can keep reading... my mind is so self-sabotaging I can't keep a positive flow of thoughts it always turns negative...
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sending lots of love man really appreciate your help <3
 
tazz20 said:
sending lots of love man really appreciate your help <3
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Thanks. I'm drinking now so things will get better soon. Woke up not feeling well and it only got worse when I saw IDIOTS and I sincerely was very very fucking angry and resentful of almost everyone around me.

I can't even express myself in words without going off the deep end so I'm not going to even try.

If it's any consolation I might be good at "sex and love" but relationships =.... not so good here. People aren't on the same page as me, or aren't on my frequency or wavelength or whatever. People are judgmental as fuck. No one wants to date me. I"m not exactly the kind of guy you want to take home to mom, anyways, so I can't really blame anyone for it but I can be bitter about it?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
that sounds normal.

Do you not want to pursue sex on day 4, 5, 6, 7? I'm practically going out of my mind if I'm not.
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I mean it's been awhile since I like felt absolutely horny as fuck. Sex is something I desire mentally in my life but the whole overall physical feeling that used to be there just isn't there. the whole butterfly/rush feeling you get when you get turned on...
 
I know I also still get strong feelings for women too. Definitely strong emotional attachments and desires to do date-like activities and spend time. Pretty much any girl I find really pretty and who is really nice to me I fall for instantly lol
 
You could have your testosterone levels checked - if you aren't having as many boners/sexual urges it might be low testosterone. I can't "know that for sure".

It might just be depression.

You may want to try taking something that will make you exceedingly happy (psychedelics) and see if that makes you horny?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
You could have your testosterone levels checked - if you aren't having as many boners/sexual urges it might be low testosterone. I can't "know that for sure".

It might just be depression.

You may want to try taking something that will make you exceedingly happy (psychedelics) and see if that makes you horny?
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had t levels checked by two doctors. both results came back normal. semi-related, I noticed that sometimes when I smoke weed I can get an erection which also reestablishes the idea it's all in my head. I have always been super curious about psychedelics but it never felt like the right time and place. I have only ever tried one gram of mushrooms but this was on a full stomach along with a few beers in my system and thc
 
Weed normally lowers desire but I find it makes me horny or can too.

It may be mental.

Work it out with a therapist? Have you tried therapy?
 
I feel like it kinda just happens to me when I'm not thinking about it.
Captain.Heroin said:
Weed normally lowers desire but I find it makes me horny or can too.

It may be mental.

Work it out with a therapist? Have you tried therapy?
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I've spoke to a few therapists. My issue is always looking for that more instant fix. I still don't have the answers I want but they seem to be in agreement that I'm going through this for most of the reasons I'm describing.
 
You are going to have to learn patience with your sexuality if you want to enjoy it.

That might sound... derogatory or diminishing of your issues but patience is a virtue is an understatement.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
You are going to have to learn patience with your sexuality if you want to enjoy it.

That might sound... derogatory or diminishing of your issues but patience is a virtue is an understatement.
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you are right. I guess my fear is that I'm never going to get it back. Like I wanna be able to enjoy good sex before I'm 40 lol quite honestly there's other things in my life that I need to get into place. I figured once I am happier with my situation, cut back on substances maybe it will return
 
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