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H Withdrawal Soon/Chronic Pain & Health Problems/We Can Do It!

Are we all siblings?

I feel you both!

Shroomy, I'm so proud that you didn't shoot it :) You are awesome :)

You've mentioned having bpd (you are referencing borderline, correct?). I'm wondering if she is narcissistic or somewhere else in the cluster b spectrum? Bpd tends to develop under those circumstances especially.....

Remember not to take it personally, though I definitely know that's waaay easier said than done. But ultimately that's how she is....it's not you, she will act that way no matter what.

Trevor, I private messaged you.

:)

I'm glad you guys are here. I'm sui happy with this thread, just tons of great people! Anyone reading, don't be shy, come on in and post, speak up!

I feel blessed that there's so much love on this thread. Thank you, everyone :)
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
 
It's your Birthday it sucks that it ended the way it did.... you are a worthy person we all are. We deserve to have life ! Without pain and reliance on meds or drugs to find solice!
 
Amen, Trevor!

I was just posting on another online forum how I wish the dr had had a serious talk with me about physical dependence and how awful withdrawals are. I knew nothing besides what was depicted in the media.

I've done other drugs, yes, but hadn't had experience with opiates, they just weren't obtainable that I knew of growing up.

When I stated taking pain killers. I really don't think I had much off a choice at that point, I had to work, and sleep, and I couldn't sleep and work was becoming seriously impossible. When I sry impossible, I mean, I tend to carry on until things are impossible, then push myself a little more lol. So, it was BAD.

Ugh.

I'll try over the weekend to compile alist of things that have been helpful, things I learned from hours upon hours of researching and trying to figure out what was physically wrong with me.

My love to you :-*
 
My mother is clinically bi polar.....i know know she is sick......so I try to deal with her as best I can....knowing that she is try is "sick in the head" not being an add but she is nuttier than a fucking fruitcake! It makes sense of my crazy childhood.
 
Yeah ABW she is definitely that. NPD or whatever I have always known that. She's fucking crazy to make a scene like that and it's nothing new.

Well, I only have a point left. I'm going to weigh it now. Do I keep cutting back and sniff it, or do I shoot it ten times at 3 times as low a dose. I've already been through this a hundred times and the answer is I have to sniff it, which sucks because of my tolerance I could sniff all of that right now and still want more, then be sick as fuck tomorrow. I don't think I'll be touching my H until tomorrow around noon though, but I think some valium is in order. I am very depressed after that, it wasn't that much of a birthday to begin with. I really wish I had more H I'm pretty pissed. I want to do a big line of it right now, but I'm risking running out completely if I can't pick up another gram tomorrow.

It's my birthday though and is it that big a deal if I have 80 milligrams tomorrow instead of 100? Fuck it honestly after that, I'll take the valium with a line to keep my high going and get a good rest. It's not like I have any friends to celebrate, or anything at all to celebrate anyway, or any tail to chase like fuck. My life is really frustrating and I keep thinking about turning to the needle. I already made up my mind about that, and it means a lot more suffering in the short term.
 
Shroomy ! Dude, there are better birthdays ahead of you ! I know it !
Once again Happy Birthday!

Please stay safe.......be well. I wish you all the best in your upcoming year !especially a respite from Oxy s and H.
In Friendship, Trevor
 
Don't shoot it ! Take the valium .....eep tight.......keep the h till tomorrow or you will suffer then.........trust me :) .......
Best!
 
Dumb thing.......my dog has the runs.......my friend is like.......daddy sick , so of sick........ugh fun stuff !
 
Yeah. I'll take the valium... maybe sniff a little H though since I'm pretty damn sure I can get more tomorrow. It's just a shitty night so I think I'll do a hit. I know it would be better to save it but it is a special and shitty occasion.

Shortly after I realized I was BPD I saw all the fucking insane NPD behaviour in my mom if that makes sense.

Anyways, I took 30mg valium. I'm going to make sure I have a point of dope for tomorrow and go to bed. I don't know what I am going to do.
 
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See that is just an example of when I would do more H, and in my log book include a reason like "crazy NPD bitch mom"

That is the kind of shit I need to get over because I don't really *need* it right now, I had a nice 40mg line earlier.

I don't plan on using any until noon tomorrow. I think that is fairly realistic, and then maybe I will have a 35mg line at that time. I should be able to get a good sleep and not have too much morning sickness. Cutting back really sucks and for me it's all financial related right now, I drove myself broke. I want to be at a greater level of high which is why shooting up is always on my mind, since I know with the same meager amount of money I have, I could probably attain the level of high that I want until I manage to find employment, at which time I will be set. However if I tough it out, when I begin employment I will be in a much better position to be a good worker if I still just have a sniffing habit in my opinion which is what I'm aiming for.

Otherwise like if I had more funds I'd be taking it a little easy and maybe do like 10 milligrams right now just to be chill. It's a depressing night. I'll wait until noon tomorrow and get a nice hit. I was hoping to hear back about a job this week, but I haven't yet. It's depressing as absolute fuck and I'm considering straight up suicide at this point. Seriously. I can't deal with it anymore and that's another reason I have been thinking of turning to the needle. If I'm going to end up dead by 30 anyway... like what am I doing wasting my dope. This is the kind of shit that runs through my head on a daily basis but I still don't want to make the switch, I'll just cut back it's a better idea despite how it fucking sucks.
 
Hang tight man! It is all fucking temporary. Call your mother on her behavior. Let her know how hurt you are. I am SURE she calls you on your shit .as my MOther does on me. I used to be scared to share how I felt and I would just stuff all this shit in and that is just toxic ! And at least for me leads to hurting myself by taking too much meds, drinking, sex, acting out etc........its poison.
Love, peace, and future sobriety to us all.
 
Well, I am droopy-eyed from the valium so I think I am going to double the dose and fall asleep. I'll take my H tomorrow. Sucks I have to wait but it's the right thing to do, unless I want to start shooting it. I'm probably going to kill myself this year and I don't even really care that much. I'm sick of being human in this miserable life. Getting sober won't do shit for me. I'm unemployed, sick of having no friends or girlfriends. I'm done. So what's keeping me away from these fucking needles, I honestly don't know. If I want to die anyway, why not make it so I can be high both tonight and tomorrow morning and tomorrow afternoon, all with the same amount of drugs. I can always make that decision later if things continue to worsen but I can't take it back as I know I will switch over right away. For now, I'll drown myself in valium wake up and do some real drugs. Hopefully I hear back about a job tomorrow because the unemployment is driving me fucking insane. I sincerely wish I was dead at this time of my life. It sucks ,but I think I'd be in a better place. There is only so much I can take and I really think I'd be better off dead. I have thought this way for around ten years. I only do not think this way when I'm on heroin, so why would I not take it as far as I can and use needles. I hate the thought that I need this drug in my body so bad, I need as much of it as I can possibly get, I will never change, never change my mind, yet I continue wasting it by sniffing it. It's stupid but I guess it's saving my veins, unfortunately I have two university degrees and no job that's how fucked this world is and almost in political protest I would like to start shooting the shit because I should have a placement in society being this highly educated. The world can fuck off and humans can go extinct for all I care. I just want to escape, I liked how I felt a few hours ago when the problems were there but they didn't matter anymore. Why not make the most of my drugs. Like honestly why the fuck not, save myself some money and buy some health foods with it. Instead of every penny going to dope and even if it's temporary, I am in a very temporary spot here broke and unemployed that I hope to never, ever experience again so long as I live. If I was ever going to shoot dope in my life, it would be now. As in, this weekend and onwards.

All I have to do is prick my vein and my supply triples. It's stupid not to and how would I regret that when I don't want to quit. I'm too fucked up to quit when I'm feeling suicidal. I'll end up dead by my own hand, whenever I'm in H withdrawal I slash my arms and shit like that, I just wish I was dead. It's the only thing that makes me happy in life and allows me to continue to have hope which is really all I need. Later in life when I am more accomplished I might not need it so much but I am truly at rock bottom right now. I feel that I am in prison. I have been isolated from society for nearly a year. I never go out, I have no friends at all and no social life whatsoever. I am unemployed and work my ass off sometimes to get a job. I am going nowhere. I just want to shoot the drugs already and work on fixing other areas of my life while being flat broke, getting the most out of my drugs at least. I can't afford very much only half grams at a time and sniffing it is truly a total waste to an addict like me. I have 20 needles right here ready to go, it's so fucking stupid that I don't use them it honestly is. I could have shot half as much or even less earlier, and I'd still be high for crying out loud. It's just stupid as fuck when I'm broke not to do it and the needles are right here.
 
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Oh.....man.....i don't know .....i h as be never done H. .......i would say dont......please you have to know it will get better......trust me I ft the same way you did a year ago. I did try to od......i am so glad it didn't work out ........
Hang tight. PM me if u want. It will all work out.
Sleep tight!
Trevor
 
I'm proud you decided not to shoot. I'm going to finish reading your post now. I just wanted to get that out there right away for you to see, some encouragement.

I understand the suicidal feelings, love. I won't guilt you. I will say that those I've lost to suicide.... My heart is a hole, I miss them so dearly. It hurts so much. So much. But I'm not at all angry with them. I know how they must have felt to do that. I was hanging on by a thread, barely, lately myself. I prayed and prayed for support from my angels, loved ones on the other side, etc. I got on YouTube and listened to some Eckhart Tolle (something about him, I see this side of him I am not sure I'd like irl, but that doesn't mean I can't extract some useful things from what he says). Especially what he says about being an observer of your thoughts rather than jumping on in and identifying with every single one of them, following all thoughts and feelings through in the mind. It has helped me some to merely detach and observe my thoughts in times of deep distress and hardship. Easier to not follow through on them when I'm not taking them all personally, when I consciously remind myself I don't need to relate to every single thinginmy head. I can choose to just let some less helpful thoughts and feelings just drift through and out of my mind.

Xoxox
 
Well, I want to shoot up. I have always been able to find harm reduction information on blue light. I have the needles and the drugs.

However, I cannot find a single person who will say anything other than not to do it. So, I am blindly going to poke the fucking thing in what I think is a vein and hope for the best. Since, this is not something you just read up on and learn about. Someone sent me 5 lines, 5 steps on how to do it. As the fuck if that is going to make me comfortable about using drugs this way. I've read the IV mega thread and it's all about complications not about how to actually physically do it. It is highly self-interactive and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. That's why I don't shoot it. The only reason.

And I end up spending 3 times as much money as a result and driving myself into overdraft, further fuelling my suicidal tendencies because when I spend that much money on dope to not even get all that high I truly feel worthless. I have always needed someone on call while I perform the act but nobody has ever been there for me and I'm fucking sick of wasting drugs when I have no intention of quitting. Cutting back, sure, but quitting? Yeah right, I'm a fuckin junkie who should be on some sort of suicide watch.

Anyways I am going to knock myself out with valium and see how I feel tomorrow. Since I'm probably too wasted on that shit to shoot it by now anyway.
 
TrevorStJohn said:
When I OD 'd March 2016 she flew down from Chicago and her first words were ..."do you know how hard it was for me to fly here last minute alone" and my assistant is out of town" .......lime ...uh rather you didn't fucking come was my answer!
Click to expand...

Ugh. That sounds like something many family members of mine might say. That sucks. Even being naturally inclined to understand psychology well, as well as having good intuition, and consciously always working on myself at some level to grow and evolve....despite these things, it has really only been in the last several years I'm realizing just how fucked up some things have been, and what a deep impact these things had on me. For example, recently I made huge strides in letting go of guilt that isn't mine. I take on guilt that isn't mine. This is a direct result of how I was raised. It felt soooo great to let that guilt go. It wasn't mine to begin with. And screw anyone who wants to put guilt on you that's not yours...guilt feels absolutely horrible, outs enough to push you over the edge in adequate quantities. That's an awful thing. I'm so glad I realized that and stated letting it go.

It's sad when you can't lean on your family at all. I'm sorry that this is your experience.

Xoxox
 
Big, big (((((((hugs))))))) to you, Shroomy. I'm sorry you are struggling so much today. Don't let other people's toxicity seep into you. It's their toxicity, not yours. Again easier said than dine I know. Let us know what you ended up doing in the end when you wake up in the morning.

I wish I had better HR advice but I don't shoot . My veins are terrible naturally, I'm a hard stick. As a result, I've been poked by many who have no idea what to do with a hard stick., and many bruises, wiggled-inside needles, and multiple attempts later, I'm not fond of needles lol. In fact, I am extremely squeamish and can't stand it.

However, I know that with like anything, of I do it, ilk get used to it. So I don't go there. Also withdrawal is worse than with sniffing. So I stay put sniffing, I don't even let myself think of how much money could be saved, it's a slippery slope that I dint want to go down

Please be as careful as you know how to be, and post, questions you have here if you need further instruction and HR tips

I wish I had some for you :/

Remember, you're worthy of love. Bpd is largely circumstantial, and many young persons even kind of "grow out of it" in healthy circumstances. What I'm saying it's please don't feel so hopeless. And don't thin I'm minimizing what you go through. I'm sure in my younger days I could've easily been diagnosed as borderline or similar. A certain time period in my youth, I'm almost certain I could've been officially diagnosed at that time. It took much self awareness and work, but today I wouldn't be diagnosed with that. I hope I'm not coming off as glib. I'm sincere in saying, please don't feel hopeless. There's hope, baby doll. And you have a good level of self awareness, and you possess a lot of compassion. Those are great indicators that you will continue to evolve in the right direction and overcome much of your current struggle with some time. :-*

Hang in there, dear one. You are needed. Xoxox
 
ShroomySatori said:
Well, I am droopy-eyed from the valium so I think I am going to double the dose and fall asleep. I'll take my H tomorrow. Sucks I have to wait but it's the right thing to do, unless I want to start shooting it. I'm probably going to kill myself this year and I don't even really care that much. I'm sick of being human in this miserable life. Getting sober won't do shit for me. I'm unemployed, sick of having no friends or girlfriends. I'm done. So what's keeping me away from these fucking needles, I honestly don't know. If I want to die anyway, why not make it so I can be high both tonight and tomorrow morning and tomorrow afternoon, all with the same amount of drugs. I can always make that decision later if things continue to worsen but I can't take it back as I know I will switch over right away. For now, I'll drown myself in valium wake up and do some real drugs. Hopefully I hear back about a job tomorrow because the unemployment is driving me fucking insane. I sincerely wish I was dead at this time of my life. It sucks ,but I think I'd be in a better place. There is only so much I can take and I really think I'd be better off dead. I have thought this way for around ten years. I only do not think this way when I'm on heroin, so why would I not take it as far as I can and use needles. I hate the thought that I need this drug in my body so bad, I need as much of it as I can possibly get, I will never change, never change my mind, yet I continue wasting it by sniffing it. It's stupid but I guess it's saving my veins, unfortunately I have two university degrees and no job that's how fucked this world is and almost in political protest I would like to start shooting the shit because I should have a placement in society being this highly educated. The world can fuck off and humans can go extinct for all I care. I just want to escape, I liked how I felt a few hours ago when the problems were there but they didn't matter anymore. Why not make the most of my drugs. Like honestly why the fuck not, save myself some money and buy some health foods with it. Instead of every penny going to dope and even if it's temporary, I am in a very temporary spot here broke and unemployed that I hope to never, ever experience again so long as I live. If I was ever going to shoot dope in my life, it would be now. As in, this weekend and onwards.

All I have to do is prick my vein and my supply triples. It's stupid not to and how would I regret that when I don't want to quit. I'm too fucked up to quit when I'm feeling suicidal. I'll end up dead by my own hand, whenever I'm in H withdrawal I slash my arms and shit like that, I just wish I was dead. It's the only thing that makes me happy in life and allows me to continue to have hope which is really all I need. Later in life when I am more accomplished I might not need it so much but I am truly at rock bottom right now. I feel that I am in prison. I have been isolated from society for nearly a year. I never go out, I have no friends at all and no social life whatsoever. I am unemployed and work my ass off sometimes to get a job. I am going nowhere. I just want to shoot the drugs already and work on fixing other areas of my life while being flat broke, getting the most out of my drugs at least. I can't afford very much only half grams at a time and sniffing it is truly a total waste to an addict like me. I have 20 needles right here ready to go, it's so fucking stupid that I don't use them it honestly is. I could have shot half as much or even less earlier, and I'd still be high for crying out loud. It's just stupid as fuck when I'm broke not to do it and the needles are right here.
Click to expand...
Aww, sweetie, (((((((hugs))))))). Times are sotoughon this planet for so many right now. These really, truly tough times to live in, tough times to come of age in. Its not areflectionof you. It's a sign of the times.

Xoxox

Edit. If it is of any consolation, while I had a pretty great sex life previously, for about a decade now it has been just awful. I know how it feels to want and need a healthy outlet for that energy and to not have one. It's not easy . Xoxo
 
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