Yeah I'm really getting annoyed at how long it takes without any improvement
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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)
- Thread starter BlueBull
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Yeah I'm really getting annoyed at how long it takes without any improvement
The mouth dryness + tooth grinding + demineralization because of the stress. The mouth dryness causes the pH in the mouth to lower and the teeth get attacked by acid, the tooth grinding is self explaining and the demineralization is caused by the high stress levels and the lowered intake of mineral rich food because of the appetite surpressant effects.
Phisherman
Greenlighter
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I'll just throw my two cents in:
Started abusing MDMA very very heavily about a year and a half ago. It went from once a week at like 140mg each time (first couple of times), increasing steadily over about a year up to about 10 or 12 pills each week (250mg each, maybe about 1.5 grams per session). All culminated in a huge huge binge where I took about a gram+ every day for a week or so. Now stuggle with utterly debilitating anxiety that I have to see a psychiatrist for, not to mention take loads of meds to make it manageable.
Did all of this because I didn't believe I was getting comedowns initially, would never feel low the next day etc, the problem is that I failed to recognise the anxiety BEING the comedown, and didn't make the connection until I was barely able to function (have always suffered with fairly bad anxiety one way or another).
Moral of the story, even if you 'aren't getting comedowns' it's going to bite you in the ass one way or another, be it sudden onset / worsening of existing depression / anxiety, brain fog, difficulty thinking and concentrating etc.
Started abusing MDMA very very heavily about a year and a half ago. It went from once a week at like 140mg each time (first couple of times), increasing steadily over about a year up to about 10 or 12 pills each week (250mg each, maybe about 1.5 grams per session). All culminated in a huge huge binge where I took about a gram+ every day for a week or so. Now stuggle with utterly debilitating anxiety that I have to see a psychiatrist for, not to mention take loads of meds to make it manageable.
Did all of this because I didn't believe I was getting comedowns initially, would never feel low the next day etc, the problem is that I failed to recognise the anxiety BEING the comedown, and didn't make the connection until I was barely able to function (have always suffered with fairly bad anxiety one way or another).
Moral of the story, even if you 'aren't getting comedowns' it's going to bite you in the ass one way or another, be it sudden onset / worsening of existing depression / anxiety, brain fog, difficulty thinking and concentrating etc.
Hey guys, I was presribed 25mg of seroquel for my HPPD/LTC symptoms. I was wondering if anyone has experience with this drug? I guess I would like to ask Cotcha what he thinks as well. I am set to take it next Wednesday starting at 25 mg/day. I know that anti-psychotics are supposed to make hppd worse but maybe I'm on such a low dose it won't make a difference? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
Cotcha Yankinov
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Seroquel has a pretty wide dosage range. Typically there aren't real effects on dopamine receptors until starting around 200mg, and doses like 900mg can be used in schizophrenics or psychosis, while doses like 25mg may be primarily sedative via effects on histamine and adrenaline receptors.
Also RE: antipsychotics and HPPD - there is some evidence that antipsychotics can help HPPD when given long term (same as SSRIs). But 25mg certainly isn't an antipsychotic dose.
Also RE: antipsychotics and HPPD - there is some evidence that antipsychotics can help HPPD when given long term (same as SSRIs). But 25mg certainly isn't an antipsychotic dose.
Yeah I wouldn't worry about such a low dose. That's some anectodal reports on the web of it helping some, hurting others. Start slow and see how it goes I guess. My GP days she prescribes it for sleep Sometimes.
Does anyone else have this feeling/noise of water rushing through their ears? Along with my Tinnitus I have this. It's like I can hear the blood flowing but it's not pulsing, it's constant a constant whoosh.
Does anyone else have this feeling/noise of water rushing through their ears? Along with my Tinnitus I have this. It's like I can hear the blood flowing but it's not pulsing, it's constant a constant whoosh.
Cotcha Yankinov
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This is indeed from an artery. This used to scare the shit out of me when I was really young lol.
Do you have neck problems or anything? Headaches?
8BitTrip
Bluelighter
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- Mar 2, 2016
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A short but detailed update on my situation, written primarily for my benefit but I know others derive value for comparison's sake.
I decided to start taking ~7.5mg Mirtazapine daily a week and a half ago. It seems to give me a mood boost whereas without, as of late, my mood seems more distant and my relationship to both internal and external worlds is fainter, which I am comfortable enough with but it makes the social aspect of life difficult and I have enough responsibilities to be unable to forgo the luxury of 'toughing it out' entirely soberly.
Although I haven't done hard drugs since it began. I have smoked cigarettes occasionally and drank less than ten pints of beer in the past year. I drink a lot of both English and Green tea and generally have a few coffees in a week. Thankfully, nothing seems to set me back for longer than a few hours.
I've had less than 3/4 of the two 28 tablet 15mg packets of it since it was first prescribed a year ago. It has lasted this long because I was taking it sporadically, by using it now and then to try and gauge progress based on my responsiveness to the drug rather than seeking its long term benefits. I've also been on two trials of Sertraline; the first one in December 2016 for two weeks and another week long in January. Both, but particularly the first seem to have had lasting universally positive effect. So I'm (reluctantly) taking Mirtazapine daily now after persistent suggestion by professionals and close friends that I should take it consistently. I don't like doing this because I can't tell where I'm 'at' au naturel; my superstition is that the more my brain acclimatizes to a regular supply, the less likely it's going to stand steadily on its own two feet which is my long term goal. I certainly don't intend to become dependent on an antidepressant for more than a year. This thought makes me deeply concerned.
The most salient symptom currently is a limited sensory experience. It's as if only the lower half of my brain is active. This is a lot better than it was in November when I couldn't detect any kind of activity at all and I had around 95% pleasure specific/anhedonia (I could still experience a very cerebral and abstract sense of joy). Now I would say that I can experience a kind of blunted unrefined pleasure which is restricted to a particular region of my brain. I am very grateful to have this feeling back however the omitted region evidently contributes more to daily life than merely pleasure. It's as if a whole level of sensory experience and also therefore a layer of my personality is missing which is hard to come to terms with. I've not been able to enter the deepest level of sleep since this began. Upon waking my brain feels 'stuck' in the deepest level of relaxed slumber it's capable of, which isn't anywhere near as 'deep' as it used to be; rather, it is highly evident that it is unable to relax as much as necessary for proper sleep. On a similar note, my yawns also reflect the picture: when I open my mouth, the air enters and I get some satisfaction but it's as if it tapers off prematurely in the shape of the bend in the letter 'n'. Rather than dispersing out more widely. These might seem like strange and insignificant nuances but they make parts of a whole. The result in full is more devastating; sometimes I feel trapped in a sort of bubble of flatness and it seems impossible to escape this experience. All of the negativities are more pronounced at the end of the day when I'm more tired and oftentimes my personality just disintegrates, experience breaks down into its constituents (sight, sound, touch.. etc.) and I experience a constant dull ache in my brain. At this point, instead of experiencing natural drowsiness and relaxation, providing relief, I am just as awake as before and even more excruciatingly conscious of my symptoms. At this point it's simply a case of determined mindfulness (interestingly it does always eventually change into something more bearable) or sleep which I am able to achieve merely by virtue of being overwhelmed. However like I already mentioned, it seems to be a lighter sleep indicated by my state upon waking which is substantiated by a restlessness torrent of vivid, memorable and ultimately 'potent' dreams.
I shift on a daily and sometimes hourly basis between being utterly horrified by my symptoms, their persistence, and what limitations impose on me and might continue to do so for the rest of my life, and a sense of gratefulness for the ones I'm not experiencing/(perhaps in remission) and a kind of blessed gratitude for everything I do have. So I can go from pessimistic states of despair and desperation, believing in the absolute finality of my symptoms to positive, hopeful and even dismissive of their significance. These states of mind sometimes arise from the physical symptoms and other times are independent of and more in my control.
Things I have been doing to help: weekly therapy, mindfulness at least around half of the time, long Vipassana sits and working on just about every other aspect of my life. Lots of heavy reading. Increasing my compassion and selflessness. I also believe in a God now, on my own terms.
DP/DR is completely gone however it tends to sneak back in and is influenced by the environment and company. For instance, I had friends over recently and it was as if specific areas of the brain i.e. a network, was 'straining' to cope with the degree of social energy 'in the air', so to speak. And after only four hours, I was exhausted and close to being DP/DRd into oblivion. The conscious anxiety which manifests in fear, trembling or panic, I've heard about from others, I've not experienced and doesn't seem to be a character of my affliction, although my dreams definitely indicate, perhaps unconscious, equally gripping anxiety.
Throughout this whole thing almost nobody can relate to me. I have drawn a correlation between several members of this forum and I know those who are in this mess from MDMA have enough of a sense of relevance to empathize. Another handful of people I aquaint with who seem to have been to different dark regions also can relate. Therapists seem to have cultivated enough skill and compassion to at least listen and provide useful reflection. And definitely some spiritual leaders I have met with have a broad enough understanding to talk about it with. My family provide the time and space for me but ultimately it seems their ties to me are too close and resulting biased suggestions generally too superficial to help. My friends are utterly hopeless and some of them just pretend I'm doing good/most just don't check up on me. Others, some also past MDMA users even seem dismissive that my symptoms have anything to do with the drug. This is pretty infuriating. I have kept a open mind throughout and I'd actually prefer to believe that the symptoms were only mental, or at least psychosomatic as I'd have more hope but given the duration of their effect, their apparently random variability and other solely physical symptoms including TMJ disorder, indicate that it's definitely as a result of MDMA. In fact, the sheer amount of unadulterated pleasure and bliss I experienced almost every time I took it, makes me absolutely not surprised I'm in this hell hole. However, what I am surprised about is how suddenly it began and how long it's gone on for. I wouldn't be in the slightest surprised if I'm stuck like this forever, but equally so I wouldn't be surprised if I return to normal in the next 6 months. So much confusion and suffering.
I decided to start taking ~7.5mg Mirtazapine daily a week and a half ago. It seems to give me a mood boost whereas without, as of late, my mood seems more distant and my relationship to both internal and external worlds is fainter, which I am comfortable enough with but it makes the social aspect of life difficult and I have enough responsibilities to be unable to forgo the luxury of 'toughing it out' entirely soberly.
Although I haven't done hard drugs since it began. I have smoked cigarettes occasionally and drank less than ten pints of beer in the past year. I drink a lot of both English and Green tea and generally have a few coffees in a week. Thankfully, nothing seems to set me back for longer than a few hours.
I've had less than 3/4 of the two 28 tablet 15mg packets of it since it was first prescribed a year ago. It has lasted this long because I was taking it sporadically, by using it now and then to try and gauge progress based on my responsiveness to the drug rather than seeking its long term benefits. I've also been on two trials of Sertraline; the first one in December 2016 for two weeks and another week long in January. Both, but particularly the first seem to have had lasting universally positive effect. So I'm (reluctantly) taking Mirtazapine daily now after persistent suggestion by professionals and close friends that I should take it consistently. I don't like doing this because I can't tell where I'm 'at' au naturel; my superstition is that the more my brain acclimatizes to a regular supply, the less likely it's going to stand steadily on its own two feet which is my long term goal. I certainly don't intend to become dependent on an antidepressant for more than a year. This thought makes me deeply concerned.
The most salient symptom currently is a limited sensory experience. It's as if only the lower half of my brain is active. This is a lot better than it was in November when I couldn't detect any kind of activity at all and I had around 95% pleasure specific/anhedonia (I could still experience a very cerebral and abstract sense of joy). Now I would say that I can experience a kind of blunted unrefined pleasure which is restricted to a particular region of my brain. I am very grateful to have this feeling back however the omitted region evidently contributes more to daily life than merely pleasure. It's as if a whole level of sensory experience and also therefore a layer of my personality is missing which is hard to come to terms with. I've not been able to enter the deepest level of sleep since this began. Upon waking my brain feels 'stuck' in the deepest level of relaxed slumber it's capable of, which isn't anywhere near as 'deep' as it used to be; rather, it is highly evident that it is unable to relax as much as necessary for proper sleep. On a similar note, my yawns also reflect the picture: when I open my mouth, the air enters and I get some satisfaction but it's as if it tapers off prematurely in the shape of the bend in the letter 'n'. Rather than dispersing out more widely. These might seem like strange and insignificant nuances but they make parts of a whole. The result in full is more devastating; sometimes I feel trapped in a sort of bubble of flatness and it seems impossible to escape this experience. All of the negativities are more pronounced at the end of the day when I'm more tired and oftentimes my personality just disintegrates, experience breaks down into its constituents (sight, sound, touch.. etc.) and I experience a constant dull ache in my brain. At this point, instead of experiencing natural drowsiness and relaxation, providing relief, I am just as awake as before and even more excruciatingly conscious of my symptoms. At this point it's simply a case of determined mindfulness (interestingly it does always eventually change into something more bearable) or sleep which I am able to achieve merely by virtue of being overwhelmed. However like I already mentioned, it seems to be a lighter sleep indicated by my state upon waking which is substantiated by a restlessness torrent of vivid, memorable and ultimately 'potent' dreams.
I shift on a daily and sometimes hourly basis between being utterly horrified by my symptoms, their persistence, and what limitations impose on me and might continue to do so for the rest of my life, and a sense of gratefulness for the ones I'm not experiencing/(perhaps in remission) and a kind of blessed gratitude for everything I do have. So I can go from pessimistic states of despair and desperation, believing in the absolute finality of my symptoms to positive, hopeful and even dismissive of their significance. These states of mind sometimes arise from the physical symptoms and other times are independent of and more in my control.
Things I have been doing to help: weekly therapy, mindfulness at least around half of the time, long Vipassana sits and working on just about every other aspect of my life. Lots of heavy reading. Increasing my compassion and selflessness. I also believe in a God now, on my own terms.
DP/DR is completely gone however it tends to sneak back in and is influenced by the environment and company. For instance, I had friends over recently and it was as if specific areas of the brain i.e. a network, was 'straining' to cope with the degree of social energy 'in the air', so to speak. And after only four hours, I was exhausted and close to being DP/DRd into oblivion. The conscious anxiety which manifests in fear, trembling or panic, I've heard about from others, I've not experienced and doesn't seem to be a character of my affliction, although my dreams definitely indicate, perhaps unconscious, equally gripping anxiety.
Throughout this whole thing almost nobody can relate to me. I have drawn a correlation between several members of this forum and I know those who are in this mess from MDMA have enough of a sense of relevance to empathize. Another handful of people I aquaint with who seem to have been to different dark regions also can relate. Therapists seem to have cultivated enough skill and compassion to at least listen and provide useful reflection. And definitely some spiritual leaders I have met with have a broad enough understanding to talk about it with. My family provide the time and space for me but ultimately it seems their ties to me are too close and resulting biased suggestions generally too superficial to help. My friends are utterly hopeless and some of them just pretend I'm doing good/most just don't check up on me. Others, some also past MDMA users even seem dismissive that my symptoms have anything to do with the drug. This is pretty infuriating. I have kept a open mind throughout and I'd actually prefer to believe that the symptoms were only mental, or at least psychosomatic as I'd have more hope but given the duration of their effect, their apparently random variability and other solely physical symptoms including TMJ disorder, indicate that it's definitely as a result of MDMA. In fact, the sheer amount of unadulterated pleasure and bliss I experienced almost every time I took it, makes me absolutely not surprised I'm in this hell hole. However, what I am surprised about is how suddenly it began and how long it's gone on for. I wouldn't be in the slightest surprised if I'm stuck like this forever, but equally so I wouldn't be surprised if I return to normal in the next 6 months. So much confusion and suffering.
Last edited:
LTCsufferer
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 14, 2016
- Messages
- 45
Hey guys. It's been a while since I've been on here but I wanted to make a post becase exactly one year ago today I took the pill that triggered my ltc. You will all be happy to know that I believe the worst of it is over for me. I'm not %100 but I'm able to live a normal life again and that is the best gift I could have asked for.
This past year I met a really amazing man who has supported me and loved me while I recovered from the darkest time in my life. I was recently offered a job in another state and although I am scared to move and shake up my routine I feel like I am strong enough now.
I dont know if I will ever recover 100% but I'm content with where my life is now. I still get depersonalization depression and anxiety now and then but it usualy only lasts a few seconds.
I'm currently trying to ween myself off of 5htp (200mg a day, which has kept me going this last year) it's hard because every time I drop the dosage down I feel my symptoms increase a little bit, but I dont want to have to rely on a pill for stability (even an over the counter pill)
I did have one major set back this past year and I want to warn all female ltc sufferes to beware of birth control. I got a nexplanon implant and it sent me straight in to depression and took away my sex drive completely. Even after I had the implant taken out I still have risidual effects from it (I would give anything to have my sex drive back). I think my ltc made me more sensitive to birth control. Because I never had problems with it before.
To everyone still struggling know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Im not going to get all sappy and say that this expiriance was for the best. Because it wasnt. It was horrble and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The ltc changed me and not for the better but I'm working on accepting who I am now, and accepting some of the things that are more challenging. I will say that this expriance made me apriciate sobriety and some of the boring mundane things that most people take for granted.
Best of luck to everyone. If anyone wants info on some of my coping stratigies pm me.
This past year I met a really amazing man who has supported me and loved me while I recovered from the darkest time in my life. I was recently offered a job in another state and although I am scared to move and shake up my routine I feel like I am strong enough now.
I dont know if I will ever recover 100% but I'm content with where my life is now. I still get depersonalization depression and anxiety now and then but it usualy only lasts a few seconds.
I'm currently trying to ween myself off of 5htp (200mg a day, which has kept me going this last year) it's hard because every time I drop the dosage down I feel my symptoms increase a little bit, but I dont want to have to rely on a pill for stability (even an over the counter pill)
I did have one major set back this past year and I want to warn all female ltc sufferes to beware of birth control. I got a nexplanon implant and it sent me straight in to depression and took away my sex drive completely. Even after I had the implant taken out I still have risidual effects from it (I would give anything to have my sex drive back). I think my ltc made me more sensitive to birth control. Because I never had problems with it before.
To everyone still struggling know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Im not going to get all sappy and say that this expiriance was for the best. Because it wasnt. It was horrble and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The ltc changed me and not for the better but I'm working on accepting who I am now, and accepting some of the things that are more challenging. I will say that this expriance made me apriciate sobriety and some of the boring mundane things that most people take for granted.
Best of luck to everyone. If anyone wants info on some of my coping stratigies pm me.
About 10 months. Thanks for you post 8bit, it seems our experiences are very similar.
Cotcha Yankinov
Bluelight Crew
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- Jul 21, 2015
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I shall point out that hormonal contraceptives can lower serotonin.
"High levels of estrogen, as in first-generation COCPs, and progestin, as in some progestin-only contraceptives, have been shown to lower the brain serotonin levels by increasing the concentration of a brain enzyme that reduces serotonin."
There were two studies done by a European women's health center showing that oral contraception can cause depression and anxiety in some people, and that people with a history of depression/anxiety were at higher risk.
LTCsufferer
Bluelighter
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- May 14, 2016
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Do you have links to thoes studies? I'm interested in reading them.
Cotcha Yankinov
Bluelight Crew
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https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23219471
I would hope that providers are giving out hormonal contraception with a word of warning about mood changes, although some studies suggest that some women have less depression on hormonal contraceptives.
I would hope that providers are giving out hormonal contraception with a word of warning about mood changes, although some studies suggest that some women have less depression on hormonal contraceptives.
I mean if hormonal imbalances are implicated in the LTC (regardless of gender) in some way its not that surprising.
Doesn't disrupted brain signaling ultimately affect hormones downstream anyways?
I can say one thing and that is that at night I feel the closest to normal whereas mornings are hell. This has continued since day 1 of the LTC. (Not applicable to my visual snow but the mental symptoms only)
Doesn't disrupted brain signaling ultimately affect hormones downstream anyways?
I can say one thing and that is that at night I feel the closest to normal whereas mornings are hell. This has continued since day 1 of the LTC. (Not applicable to my visual snow but the mental symptoms only)
8BitTrip
Bluelighter
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- Mar 2, 2016
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- 64
No problem, thanks for taking the time to read it. It's interesting that you relate to some of it.
Not just some, all. To the fucking letter.
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