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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

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Took a 1mg kpin and it's been making me feel good but not taking away all my psychological symptoms at all :/ really need to see a doc and get a cat scan
 
I am, but I also took 1.25 mgs so far, trying to keep it that way right now. Depressed mood still lingers but I'm feeling pretty good out with my friend having a good night that I haven't been able to afford in awhile. Though I know I have a lot to take into consideration right now for the future that is currently not that great to think about atm. I guess I'll find out tomorrow
 
I'm on 3 mgs, tried to cut .5 out if night dose. Didn't go well at all. Also supposed to start zoloft but afraid of it affecting my taper.
 
Damn bro I feel for ya homie. Did that shit for the second time last year and I honestly can say that I have NO desire to get a benzoyl habit be easy and stay safe driv8ng
 
Stress is what keeps bringing me down. My car broke down again yesterday a couple miles from my house. So I pushed it off the road out of danger I thought and accepted a ride home cause it was gonna be awhile before my dad could come look at it decide if it needed to be towed. I wasn't gone 90 minutes I get back and the fucking thing got towed by the city. So now everyones pissed at me but wont let me pay for it with my credit card that no one else is co signed on because they don't think I can pay it back. So I am like you would rather be pissed at me and pay for my fuck up of leaving the car then let me take care of it and let me worry about my own damn credit?

Needless to say I totally blew my fucking taper took 5mg of Xanax so far today that I got yesterday before my car broke down. I don't think I can handle the stress of life without drugs. I really don't even know if I want to continue living. I feel like I am a burden on my family. Now they want me to start tapering off methadone as well as benzos. In my heart of hearts I know I will end up back on heroin but they don't want to believe that. I need a job. But what I really want is a shotgun. To be honest one of the reasons I got this CC was so could buy a gun if I decided to end it all. I just don't have any confidence I can function in this world. I damn sure don't want to continue living with my phycho ass mom. Shes about to come home and do her daily routine of throwing shit and yelling at the animals even though I did all the dishes and cleaned the house like I do every day its not enough.

Its no fucking wonder I am a drug addict. I know they say you should go to the hospital if you have suicidal thoughts. I have them every fucking day so I don't even know what to do with that. I stopped going to counselors because I hoped that if I stopped digging up painful shit I would stabilize but it doesn't seem to be working out like that. I really don't know what to do.

I just feel like such a loser. Ive chilled out a little now I am not gonna do anything rash but days like today are really hard for me to deal with.
 
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It sounds like your mom yelling is really what's upsetting you.

The car breaking down really sucks, but you might have needed to get it towed anyways. It was nice for her to pay for it, but it seems unfair that she's yelling at you over it.
 
You didn't blow your taper out of the water cj, at most you set it back a few days. Hope to hear your sweet, sweet voice tomorrow ;) We can bitch about our families :)
 
I too am apparently GABA-drug dependence resistant. I take 6mg Xanax/day and was taking a 30mg restoril and/or a 2mg klonopin at night for a couple years. I don't FEEL bad if I don't have my Xanax just the anxiety recurs. I don't crave the benzo, and my psych doesn't really understand how I can cold turkey, as I often do if I can't make my appointment for a new script. I mean if I don't have opiates or nicotine... I know that's what I'm missing to feel better.

BUT I've heard valerian tea can be used to help taper off if you can't just scale down properly. Also my doc was saying something about benzos and alcohol both being GABA-*agonists? Both working with the same receptors anyway, so maybe that can be a taper choice. They gave my dad Librium to clean up alcohol, maybe it works both ways. I can't confirm this paragraph or cite sources but maybe you could ask a doc or do some research.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
It sounds like your mom yelling is really what's upsetting you.

The car breaking down really sucks, but you might have needed to get it towed anyways. It was nice for her to pay for it, but it seems unfair that she's yelling at you over it.
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She just has anger issues and takes it out on whoever or whatever is around just so everyone knows she is pissed. Yeah I appreciate her paying for it but it just feeds into the narrative of me being a burden on my family financially. But your right seeing my mom upset really does bother me. I just want her to be happy. It makes me wonder if she would be happier with me not in her life.

I know TPD it was a much needed break from tapering honestly.
 
cj said:
She just has anger issues and takes it out on whoever or whatever is around just so everyone knows she is pissed. Yeah I appreciate her paying for it but it just feeds into the narrative of me being a burden on my family financially. But your right seeing my mom upset really does bother me. I just want her to be happy. It makes me wonder if she would be happier with me not in her life.

I know TPD it was a much needed break from tapering honestly.
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She can still be "in your life" without seeing you on a daily basis. It's easier when you have distance from someone like that. When you're on the phone, if she's acting out, you can hang up so it stops taking a toll on you.

I definitely think you should move out as soon as possible, that or get adult services/mental health involved for her sake, since she does have issues. Everyone deserves to get help when they need it. <3
 
I just had a great day. Got to try a couple new RCs one of which actually broke through the methadone and had a great rush. The other was a fun upper with a crazy letter cBo name. And my kpin script is actually going to last long as it's supposed too. Plus I had great company. New best friend material for sure.

Hope everyone is doing as good as well
 
Captain.Heroin said:
She can still be "in your life" without seeing you on a daily basis. It's easier when you have distance from someone like that. When you're on the phone, if she's acting out, you can hang up so it stops taking a toll on you.

I definitely think you should move out as soon as possible, that or get adult services/mental health involved for her sake, since she does have issues. Everyone deserves to get help when they need it. <3
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AMEN! This was my experience. I have no doubt that, when you find the right opportunity, it will be yours as well as cj. Getting parents help can be very tricky, that is all I will say on that subject though ;)

Why do you say you think your current script is gonna last the month through cj? I'd love to hear what your harm reduction plan is in for your benzo use this month.

Apologies for not ringing, big day here Saturday. I still owe ya that phone call, don't I :)
 
toothpastedog said:
AMEN! This was my experience. I have no doubt that, when you find the right opportunity, it will be yours as well as cj. Getting parents help can be very tricky, that is all I will say on that subject though ;)

Why do you say you think your current script is gonna last the month through cj? I'd love to hear what your harm reduction plan is in for your benzo use this month.

Apologies for not ringing, big day here Saturday. I still owe ya that phone call, don't I :)
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Its going to last because I bought some illicit benzos. Otherwise I was going to be 2 days short from me being greedy and stealing pills out of my bottle even though my mom tried to hide it. Some days I need more then 2 mg I don't think that's a big deal. I am not going off the deep end willy nilly I promise. Doctor appointment Thursday original script should have lasted till Sunday but I can usually get a refill 3 days early.

Just hanging out with someone I like has brought my mood up so much. I miss just hanging out and shooting the shit with someone. especially really intelligent people.

Call me anytime brother
 
using an RC opiate to "break through the methadone" sounds like the beginning of a very slippery slope man.
 
cj said:
Its going to last because I bought some illicit benzos. Otherwise I was going to be 2 days short from me being greedy and stealing pills out of my bottle even though my mom tried to hide it. Some days I need more then 2 mg I don't think that's a big deal. I am not going off the deep end willy nilly I promise. Doctor appointment Thursday original script should have lasted till Sunday but I can usually get a refill 3 days early.

Just hanging out with someone I like has brought my mood up so much. I miss just hanging out and shooting the shit with someone. especially really intelligent people.

Call me anytime brother
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Spending time with people IRL we like is so crucial. Of course, it would be "more ideal" if they we're into the scene (what scene are they into, substance wise I mean?), but I'm glad to hear you're feeling better regardless.

Have you thought about making some kind of plan that will help you quantify where your substance use it at, and identify any potential issues before they turn into problems? Like limiting yourself to only using certain substance, using under certain conditions, so on and so forth? I don't do it justice with that description at all, but that's where I was going with the whole "harm reduction plan" thing.

Think of it like this: a harm reduction plan for someone who injects heroin could be as simple only using when one is able to use a clean needle each time. When one gets to a point where needles are running out or there is an issues getting them or starts to consider re-using one's own or, far worse, using someone else's rigs to inject, a "harm reduction plan" would be like a little alarm bell in your head that goes off, alerting you to potential danger.

Another example would be, in terms of alcohol for instance, say you set goal - limiting yourself to two drinks per day (male) your obligations to others (if any) have been fulfilled for the day. If you find yourself unable to only drink two drinks, then it would set off a similar alarm in your head, alerting you to potential issues ahead in when it comes to one's ability to moderate use. Perhaps this is more applicable with the benzos.

I'd really like to hear your thoughts on a harm reduction plan for yourself cj. And as I said, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. I picture you smiling today :) It's a nice change of pace when it comes to my imagine of you ;)
 
Yeah I don't drink so that's not a problem. I quit smoking weed. Today was just a rare treat of injecting some cool RC stim MDPV analogue I believe and a fentanyl analogue that actually broke through my methadone and had me on cloud nine for a couple hours. It was just a treat and circumstances coming together. I still want to try every drug there is its kinda a lifetime bucketlist ting :).

Look I am a drug addict. I am in the process of learning moderation and frankly I am doing an ok job IMO.

Harm reduction plan. Keep my benzo use to 2mg kpin a day for the most part. Only use more when absolutely needed. No dirty needles and good injection hygiene if I shoot up. My main concern is keeping my benzo tolerance reasonable.. Also no driving while benzod out that shit is bad news. I also need to moniter my mood and actions as I lower my methadone dose a relapse would be fucking disastrous.

Let me think and ill add more
 
Yeah, it takes a while to come up with a really thorough, concrete plan of action for this kind of thing, there is no rush. Generally there is one specific plan for each identifiable substance/behavior that has been problematic in the past.

Talk you you soon brother! <3
 
toothpastedog said:
Yeah, it takes a while to come up with a really thorough, concrete plan of action for this kind of thing, there is no rush. Generally there is one specific plan for each identifiable substance/behavior that has been problematic in the past.

Talk you you soon brother! <3
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Feel free to chime in with suggestions. That includes everyone. I like outside perspectives on my life
 
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