TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[Moreaux]

I made a thread some days ago here but few people read it.
I will make it short, I am 30, have been an addict to mostly pills for the last 8 years, and in some weeks I'm gonna lose the only thing I have left, the apartment (because I have no job and have been unable to pay the rent).
Some members of my family tell me to do this, do that, etc; and I say "ohh ok, right, yes" to them, but honestly I don't give a shit anymore. The day I have to leave this place, the same my dad lived in for 10 years until he died at 57 years old, I'm gonna go to the top of the building and jump. I have been there already, almost jumped once, and know from where to jump.
That's it, I made it very short, maybe like this someone will read this.

I am so sorry you are going through this - addiction is a vicious cycle where it's so hard to get healthy and mentally in a good place, and problems pile up that are also difficult to deal with because we lack mental clarity and coping abilities in active addiction. I am sorry you are losing the apartment that belonged to your father, that is painful. As you're really in a situation, perhaps now would be a great time to check into an impatient rehab. You don't necessarily need medical insurance, many places will take you on even if you don't hve the ability to pay - they can get you connected with Medicaid so you get treatment.

Doing this would give you a place to stay and you can focus on your problems. You need to address the underlying reason why you are using and rehab is a great place to do this. They have psychiatrists and therapist that can help you make some progress on that front, and can give you some meds that will make you feel better. They will also give you meds to help with withdrawal so it's not so painful. Toward the end of your stay they can get you into a halfway house so you are not out on the street. It may not be ideal, but it something.

I think if you are able to get a little time on sobriety than your problems are easier to manage. I found that to be the case. As bad as things seem now, this is not something to kill yourself over. I think you do have options that can improve the quality of your life - they may not be exciting or the most pleasant, but they can set a solid foundation so you can get to a much better place in life.

I did read your original thread. I am sorry I didn't respond, sometimes I need time to consider an adequate response. This past week was terribly difficult for me on so many fronts that I was struggling as well :/

Please don't do anything in haste. If you want to tell us your city and state we may be able to find some rehab options for you. Also, what kind of pills/drugs are you currently taking, both recreational and prescription? Do you have medical insurance?

 

[Moreaux]

I'm a new member but I've been lurking for close to a year. I'm not an avid poster but I'll attempt to get it out.
I'm 45, I've been suffering from DDD, bone spurs, nerve damage in my neck and arms. I started off with surgery and mild pain killers in 2007. I functioned quite well until I got pregnant at 39 which totally made my DDD worse. In 2012 my family and I moved. I had no health insurance and really no way to keep on top of my health. I did find a pain clinic in my area I could afford and did fine. In 2014 I became very depressed that I was not functioning well anymore, didn't mention I am bipolar as well. I was becoming unable to care for my daughter so we put her in preschool. I wasn't able to do as much housecleaning anymore. My house had ALWAYS been immaculate! All this added strain on my marriage. My hub was a " suck it up and deal" guy. We fought and he threatened to take my daughter and leave, this drove me to attempt suicide. I ate 100 hydro's and 60 benzos no lie! That was 3/15/14. I was pretty sure I'd never wake up so "using" all my pain meds were no biggie right? Wrong! I went to the ER three days later after my husband found out what I did! They put me in a pysch unit and I had cold turkey wd's of opiods and benzos! HELL on earth! I determined not to ever allow myself to get "there" again. Fact is, I am almost there again! It scares me but its also freeing in a way, no more worries, no more pain, no more persecuting thoughts and no more insomnia! I just need someone who gets these problems and these feelings! I love my daughter and leaving her is the worst thought but I feel like I'm destroying her childhood being non-functioing. I take very low dose pain meds 10 mg Oxy IR 3x's a day and Oxy ER 2x's a day. I can't get a benzos by Dr. to save my life. I feel hopeless and helpless.
Edit- some things I forgot to mention; I was born blind in one eye, this led me to feeling imperfect Even as a young child I remember trying to make my actions perfect which led to OCD. I was cruelly bullied as a child which led to social anxiety issues. I was not raised my mother who was a drug addict or my father who just couldn't be bothered to care, this led to major abandonment issues. I got divorced from my first husband in my mid 20's which reignited my abandonment troubles and was at that time I was diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I went to counseling and that helped a while. I was in a DEEP agonizing depression for years and couldn't raise my oldest daughter which made me only loathe myself knowing how I had been abandoned as a child. I worked off and on until my DDD issues started in 2007. I eventually tried to file for SSDI to get help with medical insurance and therapy but was denied. In April of this year I had Takosubo Syndrome which is a rare condition where stress hormones overload in the bloodstream and cause a heart attack! I recovered physically but all this has led me to self loathing again. My body and fate seem to collaborate against me. I have often said no animal would be allowed to live like this. My life has less worth than a horse with a broken leg. They allow them to be put out of their misery. Just saying.

Welcome to Bluelight aplumgirl! I am sorry you are struggling so much right now and have been struggling so much in the past. I can relate to the constant battles, never feeling good enough, and continuous failures. You hve so much going on right now. I think you need to tackle some of the mental health issues first as this will put you in a better frame of mind to deal with everything else. I also think you need to have a long discussion with your husband and come up with a plan that works for both of you to get healthy. You need to be open to what he says, right or wrong he will have opinions and fears and it's much more productive to actively listen and thoroughly discuss them with him. It will also better include him what's going on with you as I'm guessing he kind of feels like an outsider and is at a loss on many fronts with you, at least my husband was when I went through my issues. I did the above and it helped bring us closer together, and he was able to better support me so I didn't feel so alone. I have self confidence issues and OCD with horrible anxiety, and when all of them are out of control I quickly feel like the world and everyone in it is against me, including my family, and that is not the case.

If at all possible, I think going to an inpatient facility may help you as you can get away from the smaller daily stresses and focus on healing without distractions. They can work with you on the mental health front and also on the pain management front, and will teach you coping mechanisms. You mentioned the state of your house, if you're anything like me that can be a HUGE mental drain and the cause for everything else to slide. This is something your husband can help out with if it is made known that your a simply overwhelmed.

I think going inpatient would be best for your daughter as well as working on your issues is going to be very emotional, and she probably doesn't need to be involved in the ups and downs you will go through. Again, inpatient will be able to help you with pain management as well - I understand how frustrating it is to be in horrible pain and not have any help. With inpatient, you have them behind you in finding a pain management program that will listen to your needs and accommodate them.

Just try to focus on one thing at a time, and go easy on yourself. Leave the past in the past, ruminating over it is only going to drag you down further. It may take some time to work through some of this stuff, but it will get better. Try to keep that in mind and be patient (I know easier said than done).

Good luck!

 

[aplumgirl]

Thanks for you reply. I went to inpatient treatment after my 2014 suicide attempt. It WAS a break but also a hardship because my hubs downed me the whole time saying how selfish I was, and that was true to an extent, as all suicide survivors know. We honestly believe it's the best option at the time. Also, I got no help whatsoever with pain management issues, in fact I was forced into cold turkey opiods and benzos WD's.I live in the Southern US where all PM clients are "abusing". It's the bipolar disorder, insomnia and peri-menopause hormones that get me down. If I could sleep I think I'd be more tolerant of pain and frustrations. I've been somehow broken when it comes to sleep! I feel like my body hates me and is punishing me somehow, dies that even make sense?!

 

[delphinen]

I am so sorry you are going through this - addiction is a vicious cycle where it's so hard to get healthy and mentally in a good place, and problems pile up that are also difficult to deal with because we lack mental clarity and coping abilities in active addiction. I am sorry you are losing the apartment that belonged to your father, that is painful. As you're really in a situation, perhaps now would be a great time to check into an impatient rehab. You don't necessarily need medical insurance, many places will take you on even if you don't hve the ability to pay - they can get you connected with Medicaid so you get treatment.

Doing this would give you a place to stay and you can focus on your problems. You need to address the underlying reason why you are using and rehab is a great place to do this. They have psychiatrists and therapist that can help you make some progress on that front, and can give you some meds that will make you feel better. They will also give you meds to help with withdrawal so it's not so painful. Toward the end of your stay they can get you into a halfway house so you are not out on the street. It may not be ideal, but it something.

I think if you are able to get a little time on sobriety than your problems are easier to manage. I found that to be the case. As bad as things seem now, this is not something to kill yourself over. I think you do have options that can improve the quality of your life - they may not be exciting or the most pleasant, but they can set a solid foundation so you can get to a much better place in life.

I did read your original thread. I am sorry I didn't respond, sometimes I need time to consider an adequate response. This past week was terribly difficult for me on so many fronts that I was struggling as well :/

Please don't do anything in haste. If you want to tell us your city and state we may be able to find some rehab options for you. Also, what kind of pills/drugs are you currently taking, both recreational and prescription? Do you have medical insurance?

First of all, it seems you assume I'm from USA; I'm not, however, we have treatments like you said, it just that to this day I'm only taking Carbamazepine/Gabapentin and Lorazepam to prevent seizures. My addiction is currently not my problem; yes, it is difficult for me to take a tiny amount of benzos when I used to take x10 times the amount of what is given to me, but is not the end of the world if it's a good day and I can get distracted with something.
Now, the depression of not binging again, of not having money when practically all my life I used to have no economic problems, it's very hard, specially when you have to move and act around other people... I just don't care... I feel hopeless and old, I have no hopes for getting another job either, with the economy in the toilet and my family waiting to get rid of me.
It's really painful that I will not leave anything to the world (some form of art, writing, or machinery that people use) killing myself, but it is what it is.

 

[Moreaux]

First of all, it seems you assume I'm from USA; I'm not, however, we have treatments like you said, it just that to this day I'm only taking Carbamazepine/Gabapentin and Lorazepam to prevent seizures. My addiction is currently not my problem; yes, it is difficult for me to take a tiny amount of benzos when I used to take x10 times the amount of what is given to me, but is not the end of the world if it's a good day and I can get distracted with something.
Now, the depression of not binging again, of not having money when practically all my life I used to have no economic problems, it's very hard, specially when you have to move and act around other people... I just don't care... I feel hopeless and old, I have no hopes for getting another job either, with the economy in the toilet and my family waiting to get rid of me.
It's really painful that I will not leave anything to the world (some form of art, writing, or machinery that people use) killing myself, but it is what it is.

You didn't make your location clear, so yes I presumed the USA. I can relate to the expnomic issues. I used to be a software developer and made great money. I can't find work in my field nor do I have the mental where with all to do it right now. It's terrible - I hate it, but not enough to kill myself. I say that because your profile says you worked in IT. I would kill for a sysadmin position but have been writing code too long so no one will hire me for that.

If you've dramatically decreased the amount of benzos you take, that has a huge impact on your mood. I used to take a lot of Xanax, then eventually got off it. It's horrible and take time to get better, but it eventually does.

I will write more later tonight, but wanted to respond really quick. Why is your family trying to get rid of you?

 

[delphinen]

You didn't make your location clear, so yes I presumed the USA. I can relate to the expnomic issues. I used to be a software developer and made great money. I can't find work in my field nor do I have the mental where with all to do it right now. It's terrible - I hate it, but not enough to kill myself. I say that because your profile says you worked in IT. I would kill for a sysadmin position but have been writing code too long so no one will hire me for that.

If you've dramatically decreased the amount of benzos you take, that has a huge impact on your mood. I used to take a lot of Xanax, then eventually got off it. It's horrible and take time to get better, but it eventually does.

I will write more later tonight, but wanted to respond really quick. Why is your family trying to get rid of you?

Me too always worked in IT, in fact, it is the only kind of work I ever had. Began as system support, programmer, sysadmin, netadmin, then programmer again... etc. I used to make lots of money. Last job I had was in 2015 as a Java Programmer... was super scared at first, knowing very little about the language, but I managed really well. I lost the job because I skipped job almost a week straight on a panic attack.
I also used to take a lot of Tramadol/Codeine/Pregabalin with the benzos, which is impossible nowadays without money.
My family has been trying to get rid of me since my father passed away, 2 years ago, because they value material and money over everything. My mother doesn't love me, I used to live with her and had to move like 10 years ago because she wanted to live alone. She also doesn't call me nor care about my situation. The rest of my family is probably secretly thinking when I will kill myself.

 

[Erikmen]

I can relate with your feelings when you mentioned your family. It seems that me messing up with drugs even though I kept my job and build a life around me means very little to them. All I have are my kids and their love but my family (over) value material and money over feelings and they have never been able to show empathy. It seems that my life is meant to be ruined regardless of having quit all the shit they were so judgmental about. It's like we don't care if you are now okay. They fail to see how difficult it is to be at alone at my age without a family. Everyone has travelled away, or stayed away and don't don't give a f. if I'm doing alright or how my marriage is. As long as I keep my distance I'm okay with them but what really hurts is the fact I being excluded. Like you said, they wouldn't care if die or live. Overcome my fears or not. It's a toxic relationship and very worned out.

My sister was the only one who moved to live where I am now, as a consequence they have shut her for their lives and I feel bad because I blame myself for that and also because when you belong to a private club like that and still call yourselves a family there's is a lot of hypocrisy from their part. For instance while they blamed for all the trouble I caused I'm the only one who's been working around the clock for so many years nonstop. I make a reasonable amount of money but not enough to make them proud. I don't even know what that number would be. And it does not matter because they don't help me financially. My concern is seeing my kids growing without grandparents or relatives from my side and eventually hurting them with the truth about my past.

My suggestion is that you don't let this bring you down. Don't let this hurt your self esteem. Look for the formidable human being you are and the things you have achieved and I'm certain that time will take care of the rest. I believe we learn to live and adapt ourselves to all sort of obstacles. As hard as it may hurt you don't forget you are valuable.

Hope things get better for you!

 

[Moreaux]

On some levels I can relate to the family situation as my parents were getting ready to leave me alone when I got off benzos because my anxiety was so bad they thought I was crazy and dangerous, then they learned about benzo PAWS and stuck with me. I know if they would have left I would have killed myself, as we've always been close. My failures have always been a huge source of disappointment, and I think they have finally given up on me ever being successful again. It hurts, but I can't blame them.

All I've done career wise is IT and I do t know anything else. To shift to a new career field I would have to go back to school, and I don't want to absorb more student loan debt as I am still paying off the first round of school. I am lost and don't know what to do, so I am focusing on art, which pays nothing because most of my work goes to the attic, I don't know how to sell it.

Delphinen, I know how badly these events hurt, on many levels I have been where you are at now, but it slowly gets better and you find solutions. You're an IT person so I know you're logical and good at problem solving, probably pretty creative at problem solving.

Apply your skills to you situation. This is not an end, it is a very difficult beginning to something more meaningful. Give it some time and appreciate your situation so you have a much better appreciation of what you have you get through this, and you will get through this.

Anxiety is tough to have, it's seems almost impossible when you have a siezure disorder, I know, I have one too. Siezures are brutal, finding medication that works is brutal, and once you find one that works the medication still sucks. I was one Topamax for a while and it almost killed me, I can't do benzos and I loath Dilantin and Depakote. You do not have an easy life, but you are a strong person and I have faith that you will find a way out of your present situation. Look at what you have already endured, don't give up now.

I know you will find a workaround until you find a permenant solution. That's what we do, that's why we got paid the big bucks. You need money now look into freelancing. Set low prices if you have to for small projects and build a reputation. As for living accommodations, do you have friends or a car? I realize this is not ideal but it's a quick fix.

With regards to anxiety, look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - you can teach yourself techniques for handling stress and anxiety. I did it and it changed my life. I am no longer on anxiety meds. While your learning coping mechanisms get a prescription for Indural (propranolol). It a beta blocker used primarily for blood pressure but it is also used for anxiety. Get both the quick acting and the extended release versions. Take the quick acting for panic attacks, take a long acting first thing in the morning. It lasts all day. It stop the adrenaline response so you don't have the phisiological affects and makes everything much easier to deal with.

Feel free to message me if you need to. Your situation will change, I promise you that. I got on Bluelight to meet people in your situation because when I was going through it I was alone for the most part and nobody understood. Everyone left me, I have no friends from that time or prior. My parents did help me out a lot but they couldn't relate and were there because I think they felt obligated. I thought I was losing my mind and would never be functional. I wanted to die and tried several times, but my parents found me and then stayed with me so I couldn't commit suicide. I am so thankful they did because life got better, it got a lot better and now I am the happiest I have ever been. I didn't think it would ever get better and it did take a couple of years for the pieces to fall into place, but I have so much more peace now and anxiety does not rule my life. Please don't give up, this will happen for you.

 

[Moreaux]

Thanks for you reply. I went to inpatient treatment after my 2014 suicide attempt. It WAS a break but also a hardship because my hubs downed me the whole time saying how selfish I was, and that was true to an extent, as all suicide survivors know. We honestly believe it's the best option at the time. Also, I got no help whatsoever with pain management issues, in fact I was forced into cold turkey opiods and benzos WD's.I live in the Southern US where all PM clients are "abusing". It's the bipolar disorder, insomnia and peri-menopause hormones that get me down. If I could sleep I think I'd be more tolerant of pain and frustrations. I've been somehow broken when it comes to sleep! I feel like my body hates me and is punishing me somehow, dies that even make sense?!

By chance do you live in Wilmington, NC lol? I live here and we consistently get top rated for pain med abuse. Cold turkey benzo withdrawals are the worst, I was forced to go cold turkey after a ten year daily Xanax habit, that was six years ago and I am only about 80% healed. I would think that is also part of your depression, and it's probably escalating the bipolar issues a lot. Bipolar disorder affect the glutamate system, as does benzo withdrawal when you quit cold turkey you then suffer excitotoxicity which decimate glutamate regulation and actually does significant damage to the nervous system which is why it takes so long to fully recover. Are you on medication for your bipolar disorder, and if so, what are you taking?

The government intervention on pain management is unconscionable - there is zero regard for people who legitimately need it. I would be careful about taking any GABAergic drugs for pain such as gabapenton or pregabalin as they are just going to prolong the benzo PAWS, and if you stop them you withdrawal will restart and will be worse due to kindling. I would also stay away from alcohol and nonbenzodiazapines such as the z drugs for sleep.

Regarding sleep, the first three years off of benzos I couldn't sleep unassisted. What helped me was to take trazodone, melatonin, Relora, and kava. Knocked me right out - you may want to discuss those options with a doctor to see if you could benefit. You may also want to ask your doctor for a script of Indural (propranolol) as it helps with anxiety by blocking the adrenaline response - you won't get a feel good feel from it but it makes life manageable. It's not addictive.

I wouldn't say you were being selfish for the suicide attempt - you wanted relent from pain. I doubt your husband can relate to the mental and physical pain you suffer. Bipolar disorder is an excruciating condition to have. I have had close friends who suffered from it and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Definately talk to your doctor about getting a script for trazodone. If you've tried it in the past and didn't care for it give it another chance - it's insanely potent with melatonin. The kava and Relora help with sleep but they can also be taken during the day for anxiety.

 

[aplumgirl]

Moreau, not NC. I would love it there! I live on the MS Gulf coast. I haven't taken one benzo at all since 2014. I had Xanax after my first divorce, I took it for months and quit on my own cold turkey, no problems at all except my bipolar went a little more wacky. The benzo of my choice is Klonipin! Most effective for anxiety, OCD, and insomnia. As far as bipolar meds the last I was on was Seraquil, nasty stuff for me anyway. I always felt like I was on speed, I hate that amped up feeling. I have no insurance so therapy is out for me, funny enough my hubs is an IT network engineer, I saw your previous posts that you were in IT as well. So he makes too much $ for state aide but dang it, we spend all extra $ on my pain Dr and meds every month! The state of this country is FUBAR! I can't get into my diatribe on politics as I for sure would be banned! Hoping for Nov. changes!!!! I was nasty to my hubs today and I'm not even sure what set it off. My little girl is starting kindergarten Aug 4. I would love to be OK enough by then to have a good experience with her! BTW, I got side tracked, I do take Trazodone for sleep 75 mg. If I take 2 it night work, but then I'm out halfway thru the month. My Dr says this is the highest dose he will prescribe for me. I take a beta blocker also. Very low baby dose but I have problems with low blood pressure so I can't take more. I used to take neurontin but it never helped my nerve pain so I quit that cold turkey a couple of months ago. I take Robaxin for muscle spasms. I used to take melatonin as well, but after 1 week not even a half a bottle would work. Not sure about kava. What is that? It just seems to me that I build up tolerances tocdrugs way faster than normal. I'm not sure anything but benzos will ever work for me. Those seem to find the off button in my brain no other drug can or has for long! Thanks for your time.

 

[aplumgirl]

Moreaux
I did some reading on PAWS. It def sounds like my situation, except I haven't quit any drug except neurontin in 2 yrs. It also sounds like I was, more or less, before I started heavy Rx use. The insomnia, anxiety, social backwardness, all seem to have been me as long as I can recall. I'm not sure you even responded to me about that subject, but I do read all the posts. Food for thought.

 

[Moreaux]

Moreau, not NC. I would love it there! I live on the MS Gulf coast. I haven't taken one benzo at all since 2014. I had Xanax after my first divorce, I took it for months and quit on my own cold turkey, no problems at all except my bipolar went a little more wacky. The benzo of my choice is Klonipin! Most effective for anxiety, OCD, and insomnia. As far as bipolar meds the last I was on was Seraquil, nasty stuff for me anyway. I always felt like I was on speed, I hate that amped up feeling. I have no insurance so therapy is out for me, funny enough my hubs is an IT network engineer, I saw your previous posts that you were in IT as well. So he makes too much $ for state aide but dang it, we spend all extra $ on my pain Dr and meds every month! The state of this country is FUBAR! I can't get into my diatribe on politics as I for sure would be banned! Hoping for Nov. changes!!!! I was nasty to my hubs today and I'm not even sure what set it off. My little girl is starting kindergarten Aug 4. I would love to be OK enough by then to have a good experience with her! BTW, I got side tracked, I do take Trazodone for sleep 75 mg. If I take 2 it night work, but then I'm out halfway thru the month. My Dr says this is the highest dose he will prescribe for me. I take a beta blocker also. Very low baby dose but I have problems with low blood pressure so I can't take more. I used to take neurontin but it never helped my nerve pain so I quit that cold turkey a couple of months ago. I take Robaxin for muscle spasms. I used to take melatonin as well, but after 1 week not even a half a bottle would work. Not sure about kava. What is that? It just seems to me that I build up tolerances tocdrugs way faster than normal. I'm not sure anything but benzos will ever work for me. Those seem to find the off button in my brain no other drug can or has for long! Thanks for your time.

I frequently visit your side of the state to hit the casinos. Man, your beaches have gotten destroyed by some of those hurricanes - it's so sad. We've had some nasty storms but nothing like what you guys have gotten hit with, and we haven't had anything significant in a number of years so everything has had a chance to be rebuilt or regrow.

Regarding PAWS, if you're off and on GABAergic drugs such as benzos, gabapenton, pregabalin, alcohol, phenibut, I'm sure I'm leaving some out - then you very well could be in a perpetual state of PAWS. Klonopin and neurontin (gabapenton) are both GABAergic so they will kindle.

Kindling:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kindling_(sedative-hypnotic_withdrawal)

I think the biggest thing to do would be to treat the bipolar as apparently different states induces effects similar to benzo withdrawal. I don't have much experience with bipolar with exception of a couple of friends and a girl I recently worked (she prompted me to read up on it because she was cycling through the entire work day and it was difficult). I read that one of those stages induces as state similar to excitoxicity - which happens in benzo withdrawal (OMG - I am so sorry you have to deal with that).

Excitotoxicity: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excitotoxicity

Excitotoxicity and Cellular Damage:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/terms/excitotoxicity.htm

Excitoxicity and Bipolar:
http://www.neurotransmitter.net/bipolarglutamate.html

Apparently lithium acts as aprotective agent in these situations. This may also help ease you pain, as when you're going through excitotoxicity your very sensitive everywhere. I know I felt pain much more acutely in benzo withdrawal, and frequently had phantom pain which I never experienced before.

I'm hoping for Nov changes as well lol. This is the first election where I've been excited about a candidate so fingers crossed. I agree, the state of our nation is sad right now. I too will not delve further because I know I would piss a lot of people off lol.

 

[aplumgirl]

Oh the joys of finding a like minded individual!!! I actually took some neurontin about 3am and it helped me grab a couple of hours sleep. At this point I'd take anything just to get sleep. If it weren't for my pain doc I'd be a pothead just to get sleep!
Yes our beaches are destroyed. We went out on the 4th and the water tasted like kerosene! Yuck!!! Just govt not doing their job again!!!
I got up this morning and dressed for church, first time in months. Now finding the energy to get out the door, ugh!!! We got a hamster for my daughter yesterday and he's so cute!
Also I broke down yesterday and bought a pack of cigarettes. I haven't done that since April! I vape nicotine but somehow the cigarettes are more calming. It seems like I've discontinued many things lately which has increased my anxiety. Whatcha gonna do?
Going out the door or else I won't go.

 

[aplumgirl]

Moreaux, I tried reading the above hyperlinks but not getting much of it. I went to RN school for 2 years a lifetime ago Lol. This is apparently way over my intelligence quota.

 

[Moreaux]

It's sad the government doesn't maintain the gulf. I was shocked the last time I saw it as it was obviously very polluted. Knock on wood, the beaches in NC are heavily protected so we haven't had much by way of pollution, but we are continuously battling companies that want to frack off our coast. We have so many estuaries and those also help to keep certain industries out of our waters. I fear if the ruling administration in Washington continues we will lose that right. If they do start fracking here I will move to the mountains. We're five miles from the ocean and less talk an a mile from the intercostal waterway so we would have it on both sides, and we have water throughout the neighborhood that is fed from the waterway. I'm guessing pollution would take care of the alligators, but I kind of enjoy sharing the land with the alligators - they're pretty interesting and docile if you leave them alone. However, one of these days I wouldn't be surprised if I got bit because they blend in so well I don't see them and have walked up on them repeatedly. There's a five footer that hangs out in my back yard that I've literally almost stepped on because he looks like a piece of wood lol.

Lol - it's funny how in times of stress we turn to stuff that ultimately makes us more stressed. I had gotten off of cigarettes and now I am out of control with smoking and coffee again :/

The hamster will be good for your daughter - those little guys are cute.

I'll post the info in a more relatable language later - getting ready to leave the house as well.

 

[aplumgirl]

It's sad the government doesn't maintain the gulf. I was shocked the last time I saw it as it was obviously very polluted. Knock on wood, the beaches in NC are heavily protected so we haven't had much by way of pollution, but we are continuously battling companies that want to frack off our coast. We have so many estuaries and those also help to keep certain industries out of our waters. I fear if the ruling administration in Washington continues we will lose that right. If they do start fracking here I will move to the mountains. We're five miles from the ocean and less talk an a mile from the intercostal waterway so we would have it on both sides, and we have water throughout the neighborhood that is fed from the waterway. I'm guessing pollution would take care of the alligators, but I kind of enjoy sharing the land with the alligators - they're pretty interesting and docile if you leave them alone. However, one of these days I wouldn't be surprised if I got bit because they blend in so well I don't see them and have walked up on them repeatedly. There's a five footer that hangs out in my back yard that I've literally almost stepped on because he looks like a piece of wood lol.

Lol - it's funny how in times of stress we turn to stuff that ultimately makes us more stressed. I had gotten off of cigarettes and now I am out of control with smoking and coffee again :/

The hamster will be good for your daughter - those little guys are cute.

I'll post the info in a more relatable language later - getting ready to leave the house as well.

If you have time that'd be great. Appreciate nature while you can. The govt is gonna change soon I hope!

I don't wanna monopolize your time but your replies and interest are very uplifting in this time, so thanks!

 

[Moreaux]

I am so sorry I didn't update with the excitoxicity info last night. I went to the golf course yesterday in what was supposed to be a quick errand and ended up playing. Since you're in the Deep South I know you know how draining high temps and high humidity can be lol. I came home and passed out after a shower and drinking my weight in water lol.

Anyway, here's a link to excitotoxicity in more simple terms:

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/excitotoxicity

I'll be honest, I'm not to the level of being able to fully understand the original article in all of its intricacies either aside from the main take away is that it causes significant systemic nerve damage. When I got off benzos I felt like I had a constant running electric current under my skin and was always uncomfortable, amongst other pleasantness such as seizures (in addition to an existing disorder, though I just got partials, benzos introduced me to grand mals), twitching, extreme weightloss, etc etc etc. it also explains why six years after my last benzo I am still healing.

So many people are in this situation. Since the government is so keen on intervening on prescription regulation, they should mandate that information regarding long term use of benzos and subsequent cessation should be given to all patients who get a prescription. The info should be detailed.

Incidentally, I found that Botox helps with ticks and twitches, and frequently get it in several spots to both stop aging but stop the ticks. I have a nasty nose/lip twitch that I would love to have injected but I'm afraid I'll end up looking like a stroke survivor or have a lopsided smile lol.

 

[aplumgirl]

I am so sorry I didn't update with the excitoxicity info last night. I went to the golf course yesterday in what was supposed to be a quick errand and ended up playing. Since you're in the Deep South I know you know how draining high temps and high humidity can be lol. I came home and passed out after a shower and drinking my weight in water lol.

Anyway, here's a link to excitotoxicity in more simple terms:

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/excitotoxicity

I'll be honest, I'm not to the level of being able to fully understand the original article in all of its intricacies either aside from the main take away is that it causes significant systemic nerve damage. When I got off benzos I felt like I had a constant running electric current under my skin and was always uncomfortable, amongst other pleasantness such as seizures (in addition to an existing disorder, though I just got partials, benzos introduced me to grand mals), twitching, extreme weightloss, etc etc etc. it also explains why six years after my last benzo I am still healing.

So many people are in this situation. Since the government is so keen on intervening on prescription regulation, they should mandate that information regarding long term use of benzos and subsequent cessation should be given to all patients who get a prescription. The info should be detailed.

Incidentally, I found that Botox helps with ticks and twitches, and frequently get it in several spots to both stop aging but stop the ticks. I have a nasty nose/lip twitch that I would love to have injected but I'm afraid I'll end up looking like a stroke survivor or have a lopsided smile lol.

Ha lopsided grin! I'll read the info later, brain fog from lack of sleep. Botox, I def would do that, but it's not affordable.

The heat/humidity is such a pain! Ugh, wishing now we had moved to Maine in 2012!

The electrical current thing is relatable. I have severe disc problems in C6. It causes my right arm to go completely numb, hence the need for neurontin! It really seemed that benzos helped the amped up, jittery feeling and eased the numbness in my arm as well, maybe just wishful remembering but I really recall such improvement on klonopin! I'm sure 2 years later I'm having cravings still and irrational beliefs about benzos, strange what the brain will do!!!

 

[Erikmen]

I still dream about relapsing. Sometimes, just by watching some movie scenes about drugs it already makes me a bit agitated.
I can managed it but after so long I wonder why I'm still affected by the things I watch. My wife thinks that I talk too much about it.
Part of our healing is talk about our problems and listen to everyone else's imo. But this does not work at home, not when the person you live with have gone through all the quitting part and especially the time before quitting.

 

[aplumgirl]

I still dream about relapsing. Sometimes, just by watching some movie scenes about drugs it already makes me a bit agitated.
I can managed it but after so long I wonder why I'm still affected by the things I watch. My wife thinks that I talk too much about it.
Part of our healing is talk about our problems and listen to everyone else's imo. But this does not work at home, not when the person you live with have gone through all the quitting part and especially the time before quitting.

I'm truly sad to hear your suffering