TDS The Suicide Support Thread

[herbavore]

pharmakos, I would strongly caution you on the ADD meds. They left my son feeling depressed and even suicidal at the comedown. While they did help with focus that academic booster could not compare to the devastating effect on the rest of his life.

My husband has cancer and I've seen him go through a lot of psychological trauma because of the iconic nature of the disease (there's a reason we call it the big C) and terror of what chemo has done to his body. He is now quite understandably a bit of a hypochondriac but who wouldn't be after killing the immune system? I think you are very wise to start therapy again. I agree with Erikmen, it's hard to trust but try to just dive in--the worst that can happen is that you don't "click" and then you try another therapist.

 

[pharmakos]

so i'm not done with cancer treatment after all. my oncologist thought i was done, but she wanted me to consult with the radiation specialist "just in case." radiation specialist wants me to do 20 days of radiation therapy.

should be easier than chemo at least, but i'm already so fucking drained.

i feel so... idk the word even. and that's not even getting into that my girlfriend and i just broke up.

its been so fucking long since life has been good.

 

[Erikmen]

I'm sorry to hear that pharmakos. I figured you could at least wait until you feel better so you can start healthy, but I guess that's not an option, is it?

 

[pharmakos]

Wait to start radiation? I should do it ASAP while the cancer is still weak from the chemo. And I want to hopefully be healthy by the time the fall semester of school starts.

 

[Moreaux]

Wait to start radiation? I should do it ASAP while the cancer is still weak from the chemo. And I want to hopefully be healthy by the time the fall semester of school starts.

I'm sorry to hear you hve to do more, but the sooner you start the sooner it's over At least it's not more chemo, and you have a much better chance of the cancer cells being decimated with more treatment. I know it sucks but at least you're doing it now instead of thinking you're done a few months from now and having to do it.

I took care of a close friend while they got their treatments - they moved in with me and I quit my job to look after them 24/7. As much as radiation sucked, it was so much better than chemo. Hang in there - just a few more weeks. Focus on your upcoming semester. If you don't mind me asking, what type of cancer do you have?

 

[pharmakos]

It started as testicular cancer, but spread to my lymph nodes before we got the offending testicle removed. It was in quite a few of my lymph nodes (pretty much every one on my left side from my hip to my neck), but my last PET scan shows I just have one lymph node near my stomach that still has cancer in it.

 

[Moreaux]

It started as testicular cancer, but spread to my lymph nodes before we got the offending testicle removed. It was in quite a few of my lymph nodes (pretty much every one on my left side from my hip to my neck), but my last PET scan shows I just have one lymph node near my stomach that still has cancer in it.

Wow - sounds like great progress - fingers crossed! You mentioned hat you're going through depression, which under the circumstances is pretty understandable. I wanted to mention that I think you may have an added level of complexity contributing the the depression. If you had a testicle removed no doubt your hormone levels are off as your body has to adjust to having one testicle now. Hormones really impact moods so you have more going on then the standard cancer patient imo.

You are so fortunate that it only involved the nodes you mentioned - that is very positive. Have you searched to see if there are any groups for testicular cancer when you can meet others who have it or are going through it? I have found being able to talk to others in similar situations to be very helpful as they can offer tips and tricks to make the experience more tolerable. They can also relate to what you are experiencing as I'm sure it gets frustrating at times to have to listen to some of the stupid things people who have not had cancer have to say. I was dumbfounded by some of the crap that was said to my friend by loved ones, they meant no harm and were out of their comfort zone, but sometimes less is more lol.

I think you should try to find something you can treat yourself to for when you go through this next round of radiation - give yourself something pleseant to think about and look forward to. I would book a nice suite in a hotel for my friend on chemo weeks so he had a nicely decorated space with a comfortable bed. I would order room service and have flowers and candies set up when we got there, though I know he wasn't very interested in food outside of chocolate and ice cream. I just wanted it to be available in case. If he was feeling up to it I would have a masseuse come in for an hour and I would do aromatherapy and change out the lighting to create a different atmosphere. He had months of treatment so I was able to work it out with the hotel to put a heated mattress pad on his bed prior to our arrival so it was nice and toasty when he got there. It wasn't much but I wanted to give him as much of a break as I could from the serious stuff.

Please keep us updated - you are in my thoughts. I admire your strength and courage - you are truly remarkable.

 

[Erikmen]

Wait to start radiation? I should do it ASAP while the cancer is still weak from the chemo. And I want to hopefully be healthy by the time the fall semester of school starts.

Of course you need to do this as soon as while the cancer is still weak pharmakos, sorry if I expressed my thoughts erroneously. It was just a thought I had as we are facing cancer in our family and now that the chemo is almost over I got that feeling that a rest would be good. I do hope that works accordingly and that you are strong and healthy soon.
Take care,
E.

 

[pharmakos]

thank you guys. don't have much to say in response, but your words are helping.

 

[JackiePeyton]

Totally sucks man. At this point you haven't gone through all this to off yourself, so there is that. But know they want to be aggressive to kill this shit. And really look into boosts to the immune system....

 

[Burnt Offerings]

I was dumbfounded by some of the crap that was said to my friend by loved ones, they meant no harm and were out of their comfort zone, but sometimes less is more lol.

The way people talk to me about illness makes me really irritated, quite often actually...I feel like yelling at them that people with chronic illness just want to get their lives back to where they were prior to diagnosis (or at least as close to that as they are able), and by constantly asking "OH ARE YOU OK? HOW'S YOUR HEALTH?", you are sabotaging that effort. If I want to talk about my health then I'LL bring it up, otherwise just treat me like you normally would. That's my opinion, anyway.

I remember posting in this thread years back about how I was severely depressed (after a bad medical diagnosis) and basically wanted to die...that situation hasn't really changed for me, unfortunately. I'm not suicidal, though, because there's still a part of me that wants to continue living, or at least is hesitant about taking my own life. But I haven't enjoyed being alive for a long time. It's probably a big part of the reason I eventually got into injection drug use. Which could possibly be argued is a form of slow suicide.

One of the worst aspects of all that is the fact that I had anxiety/"panic disorder"/OCD/whatever prior to learning that something was very wrong with me, in the sense of an organic disease process occurring within me for which there is no cure or even known cause, and those two factors (mental problem and physical problem) fused together and resulted in a state of "hyper-vigilance" regarding my health, so that every pain and tic and sensation is THE NEXT THING THAT'S WRONG WITH ME 8)

 

[Erikmen]

Anxiety is something really difficult to cope, if you are off benzos or other meds you end up being sick IME, it has happened to me a number of times. From time to time I'd find myself in situations that would require medical attention and some of them like heart pressure, hormone levels unbalance makes an entry in your life and stays forever. You'd always have to see that doctor, take that medication etc, etc. Same with depression, the most common things like flu, sinus .. It feels like if I don't talk or try to solve my problems my body will find a way to alert me about it.

 

[Ziiirp]

Just avoid going to the so called doctor and you can spare a lot of additional stress.

 

[Moreaux]

Just avoid going to the so called doctor and you can spare a lot of additional stress.

Not certain I totally agree. It's never good to procrastinate on medical issues, and regular checkups are critical in catching issues early.

What's important is to find a good doctor which can take time. I research medical providers by calling their office and asking questions, checking patients reviews on line, talking to friends, etc. when I relocated to the town I live in now I spent a couple of months researching area doctors and then I scheduled appointments with my top three doctors to see who I preferred. I found one and I discussed my history in depth and honestly, including addiction, to get his opinion to make certain we were still compatible. I have very little stress with him and find the relationship very beneficial as he has been critical in allowing me to get small niggling issues resolved as well as letting me see specialists for more involved tests to ensure my addiction hasn't left me with unresolved physical issues.

Just wanted to offer a different perspective, though if you have a lousy doctor that would be very stressful. I have found that ultimately I put myself under unecessary stress by not confronting health issues head on and immediately, which then causes me unecessary anxiety which I try to avoid at ALL costs lol.

 

[Ziiirp]

Yeah it seems my tipp is only applicable, when living in Central Europe without a private insurance. I found a good specialist for my condition after months of dealing with incompetent wise guys, did not visit him for years and when I needed an opinion from him after those years I was told "He is now employed in a hospital in the emergency department, you cannot reach him, anymore".

In general female doctors are statistically much more qualified in my experience (i.e., the relative amount of idiots is lower than for males). (cannot comment on emergency situations, where every decision means life or death)

 

[Erikmen]

Not certain I totally agree. It's never good to procrastinate on medical issues, and regular checkups are critical in catching issues early.

What's important is to find a good doctor which can take time. I research medical providers by calling their office and asking questions, checking patients reviews on line, talking to friends, etc. when I relocated to the town I live in now I spent a couple of months researching area doctors and then I scheduled appointments with my top three doctors to see who I preferred. I found one and I discussed my history in depth and honestly, including addiction, to get his opinion to make certain we were still compatible. I have very little stress with him and find the relationship very beneficial as he has been critical in allowing me to get small niggling issues resolved as well as letting me see specialists for more involved tests to ensure my addiction hasn't left me with unresolved physical issues.

Just wanted to offer a different perspective, though if you have a lousy doctor that would be very stressful. I have found that ultimately I put myself under unnecessary stress by not confronting health issues head on and immediately, which then causes me unnecessary anxiety which I try to avoid at ALL costs lol.

Exactly.

 

[kattmomma13]

@erikmen..I was here a few months ago n u and herby helped me a lot I have been ok and actually have an appt for pain clinic in a couple weeks...if u remember that was a lot of my problem
But now I'm pretty much there again with domestic violence my boyfriend is drinking a lot everyday n the more alcohol the meaner he gets n I'm just ready to die instead of going. Thru this shit again that show my back got broke in 2006...
So great here I go again well I'm sure I will have something soon to just stay asleep FOREVER and I hope he wakes up happy with me dead....later...km13

 

[CfZrx]

Hi Kattmomma! Your bf broke your back???? How did that happen if I may be so bold? Got yer Kratom yet?

 

[Erikmen]

@erikmen..I was here a few months ago n u and herby helped me a lot I have been ok and actually have an appt for pain clinic in a couple weeks...if u remember that was a lot of my problem
But now I'm pretty much there again with domestic violence my boyfriend is drinking a lot everyday n the more alcohol the meaner he gets n I'm just ready to die instead of going. Thru this shit again that show my back got broke in 2006...
So great here I go again well I'm sure I will have something soon to just stay asleep FOREVER and I hope he wakes up happy with me dead....later...km13

@katt., get some assistance. If you feel threatened you need an emergency plan with a safe
Place you can go. Do you have relatives you can count with? Don't be home with someone that can do any harm to you.
These situations don't usually change. I know it might be harder than we think to just leave him, but you can't let that happen again.
Keep us posted. Much love and peace!

 

[Moreaux]

@erikmen..I was here a few months ago n u and herby helped me a lot I have been ok and actually have an appt for pain clinic in a couple weeks...if u remember that was a lot of my problem
But now I'm pretty much there again with domestic violence my boyfriend is drinking a lot everyday n the more alcohol the meaner he gets n I'm just ready to die instead of going. Thru this shit again that show my back got broke in 2006...
So great here I go again well I'm sure I will have something soon to just stay asleep FOREVER and I hope he wakes up happy with me dead....later...km13

Kattmomma13 - you need to find a way out of that environment. There are no valid reasons for domestic violence - that relationship is toxic for you. Your boyfriend has much larger issues than just drinking. Even if he were to quit drinking he is going to have to deal with the mental issues driving him to drink, and that could take years if it happens at all. You need to make yourself the priority and leave that situation. Love isn't enough and love isn't going to keep you safe or allow you to continue to progress forward in health. Drinking is progressive, until he decides he is ready to quit his drinking is going to continue to get worse, as will the violence.

Trust me on this, I am a recovered alcoholic who hit my 70 year old mother when I was in a blackout. My parents and I have had a great relationship, but in blackout mode I was vicious. Thank god I didn't injure her physically, but we both have to live with the events of that night, regardless of the cause. As a perpetrator of domestic violence due to intoxication I can tell you that I could not control my behaviour after a certain point, and as an addict I could not control my substance intake, so nobody was safe around me when I was drinking. Your boyfriend is no different, and as long as he actively drinks you are not safe, and the violence will escalate. Please find a way out.