will MDMA open my heart? did it for you at all? did MDMA change you/your life?
pretty sure i may be a bit of a rare, severe case, but idk.
i cant feel any good emotions. im 20 and im just now realizing this. i have a bit of an eating disorder so i would always constitute the sugar rushes iw ould get from my binges as 'good feelings' so i never really questioned the idea that i never felt real 'happiness' or 'love' or 'joy' or even 'compassion'. ive had a bit of a rough childhood and adolescence
sorry if too much info. trying to get to the point as quick as possible
all i feel all day every day is rage, annoyance, bitterness, etc etc. im also completely isolated. dont feel bad if you are. pls
ive looked into MDMA and it seems it will help me feel good emotions / open my heart {chakra}(if you believe in that kind of thing) because i believe my heart to be completely and utterly closed. it almost feels like a rock in my chest. i can be an emormous asshole because of this. the kind of asshole who takes the elephant in the room, makes it into a cutting wittcism/joke and throws it into the face of the person who caused the elephant in the room, making them feel embarrassed/terrible. a bit like rick from rick and morty or dead poool, or maybe even sheldon from bbt. not patting myself on the back or anything ( bc i think mentioning deadpool causes ppl to think im comparing myself to someone others percieve as cool), just showing you the monstrocity of my heartlessness and assholeism. someone could tell me their mother died and i could laugh in their face and feel nothing. i might actually then feel some kind of sadistic 'happiness' (not actually happiness) because of their emotional suffering caused by my laughing in their face. WTF
i think im pretty severely traumatized. im not sure if ive ever felt positive feelings in my entire life, considering im on the brink of tears if someone does something as small as says hi to me in a happy way
TBH im one of those loner people who would shoot up a school if i wasnt so self aware (so scary) {<---- thats the cutting sarcasm im talking about... i felt the urge to write that so i did to show you how i impulsively behave}. im one of those guys people think will kill them in their sleep because im silent and always alone.
im hoping mdma will make me be able to feel good and expand my capacity for good feelings in you will, because right now it is at 0
i might come off as 'off' as you read this, and that is because i am for the most part. its cool though. i view myself from a very detached manner, almost as if 'myself' as a character in a book or something. as if the way i behave is not 'me' , but the way 'i' am programmed to behave. ntot taking responsibility away. ive done lsd many times and been through an ego death and this is the result (the detachedness from thought, behavior...etc) (some may call it enlightenment, im not, though.)
what are your thoughts, guys?
did mdma change you at all? expand your capacity for good feelings? change anyone you know? im thinking about buying 150mg and taking it in a park and seeing where it takes me. im really excited because i have never felt happiness before
im sorry, i know a lot of the things im typing here may pull at your heart strings, but please know im nto trying to do that. i cant really feel much so im not really exactly sure which parts do that. im only vaguely aware. like the part where i say ive never felt happiness before, i know logically that is going to make someone feel sad, but i have no idea on an emotional level. im like a robot. i think most people know in their heart when what they are saying is harsh or brash, but i have no idea... most of the time. and when i do, its purely on a logical level.
mdma is a hail mary and its possible that its possibly my last hope at healing myself
pretty sure i may be a bit of a rare, severe case, but idk.
i cant feel any good emotions. im 20 and im just now realizing this. i have a bit of an eating disorder so i would always constitute the sugar rushes iw ould get from my binges as 'good feelings' so i never really questioned the idea that i never felt real 'happiness' or 'love' or 'joy' or even 'compassion'. ive had a bit of a rough childhood and adolescence
sorry if too much info. trying to get to the point as quick as possible
all i feel all day every day is rage, annoyance, bitterness, etc etc. im also completely isolated. dont feel bad if you are. pls
ive looked into MDMA and it seems it will help me feel good emotions / open my heart {chakra}(if you believe in that kind of thing) because i believe my heart to be completely and utterly closed. it almost feels like a rock in my chest. i can be an emormous asshole because of this. the kind of asshole who takes the elephant in the room, makes it into a cutting wittcism/joke and throws it into the face of the person who caused the elephant in the room, making them feel embarrassed/terrible. a bit like rick from rick and morty or dead poool, or maybe even sheldon from bbt. not patting myself on the back or anything ( bc i think mentioning deadpool causes ppl to think im comparing myself to someone others percieve as cool), just showing you the monstrocity of my heartlessness and assholeism. someone could tell me their mother died and i could laugh in their face and feel nothing. i might actually then feel some kind of sadistic 'happiness' (not actually happiness) because of their emotional suffering caused by my laughing in their face. WTF
i think im pretty severely traumatized. im not sure if ive ever felt positive feelings in my entire life, considering im on the brink of tears if someone does something as small as says hi to me in a happy way
TBH im one of those loner people who would shoot up a school if i wasnt so self aware (so scary) {<---- thats the cutting sarcasm im talking about... i felt the urge to write that so i did to show you how i impulsively behave}. im one of those guys people think will kill them in their sleep because im silent and always alone.
im hoping mdma will make me be able to feel good and expand my capacity for good feelings in you will, because right now it is at 0
i might come off as 'off' as you read this, and that is because i am for the most part. its cool though. i view myself from a very detached manner, almost as if 'myself' as a character in a book or something. as if the way i behave is not 'me' , but the way 'i' am programmed to behave. ntot taking responsibility away. ive done lsd many times and been through an ego death and this is the result (the detachedness from thought, behavior...etc) (some may call it enlightenment, im not, though.)
what are your thoughts, guys?
did mdma change you at all? expand your capacity for good feelings? change anyone you know? im thinking about buying 150mg and taking it in a park and seeing where it takes me. im really excited because i have never felt happiness before
im sorry, i know a lot of the things im typing here may pull at your heart strings, but please know im nto trying to do that. i cant really feel much so im not really exactly sure which parts do that. im only vaguely aware. like the part where i say ive never felt happiness before, i know logically that is going to make someone feel sad, but i have no idea on an emotional level. im like a robot. i think most people know in their heart when what they are saying is harsh or brash, but i have no idea... most of the time. and when i do, its purely on a logical level.
mdma is a hail mary and its possible that its possibly my last hope at healing myself
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