Today sucks.
I haven't been able to eat for two days. I haven't shot up since last Thursday but that's whatev.
Seriously... if I didn't do any opiates, right now, I would waste to nothing. I have about a week per month where I just sleep twenty hours per day and get up and stuff my face and sleep and stuff my face.
Other than that, I average maybe 400 calories and five hours of restless sleep per day. This is fibromyalgia as I experience it.
On the plus side the Cogentin seems to be helping.
I'm editing to continue to bitch. My anorexia (not nervosa; I WANT to eat, but when I think about food I gag. And often I vomit up nothing but bile) is really annoying. I'm physically hungry but it's like my brain says "hey, whoa now, we got enough shit to deal with just keeping your body going so digestion is maybe not priority right now". Digestion takes so much fucking energy. I literally cannot do anything after a meal. And my body works so hard to just exist (resting heart rate is around 120 just always) that I'm perpetually sympathetic, in fight or flight. And it gets goddamn exhausting.
I'm getting a few 100mg morphines tomorrow that I will shoot before I drive up to see my hubby Friday morning, and I will do some before thanksgiving so I can eat with my family.
Have I just screwed up my brain so badly that it will not ever exist normally without opiates? I was off methadone for almost two years when this shit started in earnest. And I've honestly considered going back on MMT for pain management and lying and just saying I'm still using every day, which I'm not. It feels pathetic to do that, like I shouldn't have to.
I have to accept that I will be in pain every day for the rest of my life. But my therapist says I need to work on immediacy and feeling things instead of analyzing them to tiny bits of nothing. I agree.
But you know what? Even though I'm sad right now, contemplating my situation (not self pity, just melancholy), I recognize that
a.) I am allowing myself to feel this sadness (which is a huge leap for me, not escaping from it) and
b.) I recognize that this is sadness, not depression. It is not the blackened existential ache of the missing, or the burning in my lungs like I'm drowning in a world that can't hear my screams. It is just sadness, and it is okay, and I have the right to be sad. And I might even cry a little.
And that's okay.
I'm drinking a Slim Fast just to get some nutrition in my body. I keep blacking out when I stand up. It's triggering for me, having had a pretty severe eating disorder at one time. I used to strive for that feeling. Due to GI upset and spinal nerve issues my bowels are completely empty.
I lost eight pounds. Today.
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with my dad who is a narcissist but I try to keep things light so he doesn't end up just screaming at me. And then I'm going to go get drugs and that will be nice. A few hours of feeling okay, let the pain slip up into the clouds and stars and let it blanket them for a while and allow me to fly free.