Septsober - The September gettn and stayn sober thread 2014

[Smoky]

Hey hey, Thank you so much xburtonchic

No it's not easy at all, Oy! Funny how I didn't see the junk when I needed it. Not that I ever 'need' it.
Now … I just need to throw out these couple methadone&2 vials of Buprenex. I used a little of those for 1st 4 days w/ seizure meds.
I think they made me manic, and I am having some sort of come down from those. Who knows, and who needs to? haha

There is a part of me that is scared if I relapse I won't have detox meds, yet … then again, holding … down the road could give me an excuse to use as I know they are available.
Good for you for breaking your rigs. For me it's like letting go of a part of myself… someone I will miss, and also someone that needs to say goodbye. If that makes sense… An action through closure of sorts.

Few know what I am doing as well, with the exception of some close friends and mentors from my former support groups. Staying connected is imperative… to my life, as I disconnect from myself and others when high, not that I was high anymore.

You are right about anything to get moving. I need to get my chi flowing, I sense a lot of stagnation in my body. I was exercising for the first 2 weeks as I wasn't sleeping and couldn't sit with myself or anywhere or anything. Now, I feel really heavy, weighted down … as the worst part is over. I'm not pushing myself as much as I could be, I used to walk for miles. I just go around the panhandle park here a bit, but am making a commitment to walk some of the hills tomorrow, or larger parks in the morning after coffee before my 1st job.

That's great to hear you feel rested. I noticed you are going back to school? Awesome!
That was my post this morning. ' feeling rested ' …
I finally slept a full 8 hours last night for the first time … !

BTW: Captain Heroin is right. Very inspiring… Thank you!

 

[neversickanymore]

24 more down.. and what a very good day on so many fronts.. Fk yeah

 

[phactor]

Woke up a bit early today so I could take some time reading the news, doing my morning meditations, drinking some coffee and hopefully eating before my internship today. Really trying to get my morning prayer/meditation/gratitude back in sync. My hearing in my ear still isn't back 100 percent but its getting better. Not sure if I mentioned that part of my illness apparently spread into my ear as an infection and I literally could not hear out of it for a few days. Scary stuff.

Saw my therapist yesterday and we just talking about how much better I feel and how much better things are going for me now that I am clean and have a teeny bit of time (4 months and 3 days aww yeah) behind me. I will try to write more on this later.

 

[xburtonchic]

Glad it inspired you guys

I spoke too soon about the whole being able to sleep thing haha. I knew the insomnia would catch up eventually tho. Oh well. Getting clean was never meant to be a comfortable process anyway. I'm glad to hear you slept though Smoky, that's awesome... I bet it felt amazing to finally get a full night of sleep!!

And yeah, having extra money is my biggest trigger tbh but I've definitely used the fact that I had detox meds as an excuse to relapse before. HOWEVER. There will *always* be SOME sort of excuse to relapse. I can't afford to let myself get cocky and I know I could easily end up relapsing whether I have them or not... so for me personally at least, I'd rather have them... just in case... as they are an effective tool for getting clean. Finding myself strung out someday without any detox meds would most likely keep me in active addiction out of fear of the withdrawals. At least if the detox meds are there, I know I have a chance. It definitely is a double edged sword though. I mean I have most definitely used the rationality, "Well I can use again today... the Suboxone will still be there tomorrow." And this will go on and on until I either run out of money or the source dries up. But if they weren't there, it would keep going on and on anyway until one of those things happened... and then I would just be screwed.

You know your triggers though, if you feel like you shouldn't have them because they'll make you more likely to relapse, then getting rid of them is def the best choice!!

@Phactor - I'm glad you're feeling better

5 days todayy. Longest I've had in over a year... and I fully intend to keep it going and beat my record :D

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

congrats, burtonchic. you're quite the pleasant person.

recently reached six months alcohol free. so much easier than just a couple months ago. 19 days no benzos. holy smokes. grinding my teeth. i can see them getting fucked up. trying to wear my old invisalign retainer during the day now -- definitely do at night -- but it makes me lisp. which is not really ok at work and all. given up coffee entirely, which is a big fucking loss in my world. not letting myself miss any meals, even though that means going to the grocery store. started running. bruxism is not letting up at all. getting worse. thefuck. i can feel anxiety like coursing through my limbs. palpable. i mean it all strengthens my resolve to get the away from these stupid pills, but holy smokes.

 

[xburtonchic]

aw thank you!! stay strong

the anxiety coursing through your limbs feeling... is it actual anxiety or is it more of an akathisia-type feeling? just curious

 

[Smoky]

Hi xburtonchic!

How is today? Congratulations on 5! ! Those were the hardest days for me to endure…. Felt suicidal. Awesome you are doing this. And Congrats Hydroazuanacaine! I had to do a benzo taper once… it lasted much longer than Opiate withdrawal, the mental. It was pure hell! I need to give up coffee myself. Or only in the morning. :/

Yes, it felt good to be able to sleep … as I was having some rebound insomnia from the Lyrica it seems or just more from withdrawal 'still'
The 3rd and 4th day were the hardest, no sleep at all.
I hope rest comes for you soon, if even a few hours a night…

Money is definitely a trigger, for me and a roommate that is using tons of substances (poly), barely paying bills. That could have been me, but I quit before it got to that… Although in the past it was much worse.
And 'physical pain' - which started insidious cycle with a mini script for vics.

You have some very valid points, thank you! About holding onto detox meds. I am realizing that if my pain is to a point I can't move, I have detox meds for pain and won't need to call a dealer and use H. I'll probably keep them but not in my room.

Thank you ! ! Hang in there…

 

[xburtonchic]

Hii Smoky!! Thank you And today is officially day 6 off heroin, day 1 off Suboxone for me... so it's a good day indeed!! The last five days have been relatively easy as far as physical symptoms are concerned, I've felt fine except for that one night of not getting much sleep. I was dead tired all day yesterday because of it. It's the next couple of weeks tho, while the bupe gets out of my system, that's gonna be the hardest... but I only took 10mg of it over the course of 5 days. Last year when I got clean I had that dose multiplied by 4 over the course of 5 days and it was bearable, so I'm not expecting it to be too brutal. I mean really. It's 10 freaking mg. That's a whole dose for some people, haha. And I doubt my body developed a dependence to it over 5 days on such small doses each day... yesterday I did notice that a dependence was developing, I had an urge to take the last 1mg of my bupe even though I didn't need to and had already dosed my first 1mg. I did take it tho. Mostly to nip it in the bud and not drag it out an extra day. I wanted to be done with the Subs at day 5 anyway, that was the plan from the beginning, not day 6. I don't feel bad yet other than very minor aches and chills and I'm kinda lethargic, but I suppose I won't start to feel the worst of it until tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I can expect the whole not sleeping thing to start tonight tho. And the akasthisia... fuuuck I am not looking forward to that, it freaking KILLED me last year. Like every cell in your body has been charged by an electric current and it combines with whatever anxiety is already there until it feels like a bad acid trip, and the worst part is you can't even get rid of it by exercising... exercising actually makes it worse!! Considering it's caused by norepinephrine levels surging in the first place, and exercise ramps up your norepinephrine production.

I'm gonna stop now, freaking myself out hahah.

What day are you on now??

 

[Smoky]

6 days now off the H? Great! That means you may have masked the acute heroin withdrawal phase with the subs. Looking back I should have taken the methadone a couple more days. I took it a few days after last dose of Heroin which was on the morning of the 25th of Aug. Took last methadone 28th. 19 days today off Heroin.

You are right, you should be okay, it won't be easy, but if one takes subs for less than 7 - 10 days I've heard the body won't adapt to them completely (new 1/2 life and all). It won't be easy but will be more tolerable. My detox this time was much easier using some methadone. The mental was still present unfortunately, but the physical sx were a lot smoother. My bp wasn't spiking really high all night long.

I know that inner restlessness feeling. You are right it will come, but worrying about it won't help, but preparing for it will. My legs still are uncomfortable a bit, but only at night, it's not consistent now.
Do you have the usual loperamide? and maybe some otc night meds, or are you staying away from those? Clonidine really saved me. I used it after the methadone…
I remember the first time I didn't use withdrawal meds and I was in what seemed like a horrific delirious nod for 2 days… I couldn't stand up and was streaming Netflix, I didn't know where I was or what was happening.. I was asleep, but awake watching my dreams… My body couldn't move.

This was when I went cold turkey, so yeah.. guess my point is you have used the subs which is awesome and it will be more gradual leaving your system.

Let me know how it goes. Hang in there ! !
Cold medicine helped me in the day sometimes for panic, and seizure meds. Not sure if you have those…

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

the anxiety coursing through your limbs feeling... is it actual anxiety or is it more of an akathisia-type feeling? just curious

not really sure. not too familiar with akathisia. i'm having a big problem with stereotypic movement. but nothing is compelling me. i just can't stop. often feels like if i eat i'll be able to stop, but no. what i was talking about in the limbs is like the surface of my bones vibrating. i'm not sure how much of all this drug withdrawal and how much of it is anxiety disorder. currently don't see much of a line between the two.

hope you two have a good weekend.

 

[xburtonchic]

^^ that vibrating feeling sounds a lot like akathisia. I'm pretty sure the stereotypic movement thing has to do with regular anxiety tho. but you're coming off benzos, so all of that is pretty normal. hope you have a good weekend too

@Smoky - noo I don't have cold medicine or seizure meds. :/ Although I've been considering getting some cold medicine since DXM has helped me out with withdrawals in the past.

Today was the hardest day out of all of them so far, except for the first 24 hours when I was waiting to induct the Suboxone obviouslyy. My mood has just been really low and blah all day accompanied by an empty feeling that I hate. And I had ridiculous fatigue/lethargy to the point where I fell asleep like a second after laying down earlier this afternoon. Which was nice at the time, but now I can't actually go to sleep. I wish I had weed -_-

Edit: I officially have one week clean :D first milestone = complete. Too bad I'm having a hard time feeling great about anything right now. I just have to keep reminding myself it's not forever. I mean, of course I feel bad, I have no opiates or even detox meds in my system. It's just weird cuz I don't remember feeling this bad last time, it took a few days to start feeling it. But maybe that was because I had taken a lot more Suboxone last time and so it took longer... maybe this just means it will be over sooner. My parents went out of town so at least I have the house to myself and don't have to pretend to be okay. I think I'm gonna spend like all day in the sun as much as possible... and in the hot tub... and listening to music. And that will make me feel better

No matter what though, no matter how bad I feel, I'm going to do this. I owe that to myself.

 

[Smoky]

@ xburtonchic,

You can and 'are' doing it… I'm sending healing energy your way. Congrats on a week! !

I know what you mean by that empty feeling, and yeah… maybe it will not be so bad as you are on lower doses. For me so much was projection of how it was going to be in comparison to last time. I didn't use as much Heroin this last time as first time, and it was bad, but more tolerable -- so you have a valid point…

If you don't have bp meds or seizure stuff, yeah… I would get some of the otc meds, dxm night time or alka seltzer (helped me at night), benadryl … You probably know all this…

Sounds great having a place to yourself. I have 2 flatmates in Sf and not often do one of us have the place to ourselves. ha! Enjoy, and take care of yourself, you are the only person you got! !

 

[xburtonchic]

Thank you

I'm trying really hard, what scares me is I've only been off the Subs for two days and I already feel this bad, I honestly can't imagine it getting much worse than this. I mean last time it took about a week to start feeling a noticeable difference each day, and that was with having a small break for the first 2 1/2 days or so when it wasn't so bad. But it started almost immediately this time. That either means a) I'm going through the worst right now, or b) it's still going to get worse before it gets better. That freaks me out, I can handle it though. I figured my best bet was to ramp up my efforts at getting better soo I did. Went to the store and got some bananas and other healthy foods/drinks, exercised a lil bit harder today, and I am going out of my way to be nice to people IRL (makes me feel a lot better mentally). Music helps me more than almost anything so I've been listening to it almost non-stop. And when I'm not doing that I'm trying to turn to spirituality and thinking of the process in spiritual terms (which is also hard right now because it is a legitimate battle to think beyond the pain, but deep down I know what I believe to be true). I know feeling bad is a good thing, it's not a comfortable process to detox (even when people do detox cleanses like with juice, not actual drug withdrawal, I've heard the first few days are painful). You would think expelling toxins would feel amazing, not the other way around haha. I know I can do it. It's just hard. On top of feeling horrible I only got 2 hours of sleep last night. I finally fell asleep at 6 am after tossing and turning all night and then woke up at 8.

I AM GOING TO DO THIS THO SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU HEROIN. That shit will NEVER own me ever again. I could have used today, I got some money and briefly considered it. But then eventually I went to the store and bought all that food instead. That, at least, is a sign of real progress, seeing as how money is quite possibly my #1 trigger.

Enough about me and my misery however lol. How are you, Smoky??

 

[xburtonchic]

@straightrazor - getting clean is always the first step. just keep reminding yourself that you ARE making progress, because you know deep down that you can't maintain any healthy relationships while you're using. I couldn't. But imo it is always possible to salvage relationships, at the very least on your end. if the other person has been pushed away to the point where it truly is unsalvageable (which I think is actually pretty rare for that to happen), at the very least you can heal whatever grudges/emotions you're holding onto on your end. At worst, it will heal for you. and at best, it will help them heal too and your relationship will be stronger than ever... you never know what can happen. The best thing you can do for your life, at this moment, is to heal yourself. The rest will follow naturally and it will have a momentum effect... you get stuck sometimes but at the end of the day you just have to keep pushing and things will balance themselves out

The akathisia is getting bad... like really bad. At this point I am constantly having to do something to distract myself, literally 24/7. It's exhausting but laying down is a freaking joke right now, it's never gonna happen. I would imagine this is what going insane feels like :/ If anyone has ANY ideas, I mean natural ways to make this part better - I can take all the other symptoms, they're nothing compared to this - I would seriously appreciate hearing them. When I say natural I don't mean something I would have to go out and buy, I already spent all the extra money I had this morning so I would stop being tempted to use it for something stupid.

Exercise does not help just fyi, it makes it a million times worse. I've actually heard that rest is the best way to calm it down, which is extremely paradoxical and a cruel cosmic joke because how are you supposed to rest when you literally can't even sit still??

 

[BlueSaffron]

Hold strong xburtonchic. Hot baths and showers help, and I know you don't have a car, but if you could borrow one (and it wouldn't tempt you to have wheels), driving helps me a LOT. The movement is distracting, but you get to sit and not have to exert much physical effort. Even better if it's sunny - roll the windows down, turn the music up, and just drive.

And remember, it's not forever, and if you relapse it all starts alllllll over again. Every hour you get through is one hour closer to freedom.

As for the inevitable question - I relapsed. It's why I haven't been posting - I didn't want to have to come here and say it. I've been using for a week. I just felt like I was going insane, the depression, and then after my last dose I felt like I was detoxing from a bag a day habit, I didn't feel like I'd "gently detoxed with methadone".

But now it's been like a week and a half, and if I'd just stayed strong, I'd be through the worst of it by now. Instead I'm sitting here trying to taper off heroin. Which I know how people feel about that, but I don't bang it, I snort it, so I am trying to wake up, do a tiny bit to take the edge off, spend the day in mild withdrawal, do a tiny bit to get to sleep, and do that for like three days and then stop for good. I'm hoping with heroin being short acting, my detox won't be too bad.


xburtonchic.... you have no idea what I'd give to be in your shoes. Real talk. You live with family, you're safe physically. I'm assuming they support you (NOT judging, and apologies if I"m wrong) - I'm just saying, you are LUCKY. They're going to co-sign for a car for you next month. Just think - get through the few days of feeling like crap and you'll start feeling better. Think about the new car you're going to get - how awesome is that?

Time does go by. Your body will adjust. What you're feeling right now is not going to be forever. If I could talk to the me a week and a half ago I'd say RIDE IT OUT.

 

[xburtonchic]

I had a feeling that's what happened. I've always done the same thing when I've relapsed and disappeared from the forums. It's okay, no one here is judging you... it happens. If there's one thing I know it's that you're strong as fuck... I have faith in you. It's just good to hear from you

And yeah I'm hella grateful for everything I have. I promise you that's not the issue, even if it seems like it. Withdrawing just fucks with my head. It's like I know the appreciation and gratefulness and beauty in life is there, I just can't reach it sometimes. It's like the physical discomfort blocks out any possibility at being happy when it starts getting bad. And then there's just the random mood swings that come out of nowhere and don't have any trigger or make any sort of sense. They just happen. It's almost like I can feel the chemical change happening in my brain... I don't even know lol. I know it will start over if I relapse. That's part of the reason I'm not touching the Vicodin or the MS Contin I have. Not because I think either of those will lead me back to heroin... I'm feeling pretty confident about my ability to stay away from that right now tbh... but because I don't see how adding any stimulation to my opiate receptors right now is going to make me better faster. If anything I risk feeling worse afterward. My brother's friend gave me some weed and hash tho, that's about all I'm willing to do right now. And that's only because weed helps the mental symptoms a hell of a lot and reduces my anxiety and makes it easier to dissociate and such.

Anyway I hope you keep posting. I'm rooting for you!! Much love

edit: LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE GOING UP NORTH AFTER ALL, hell yeah!! This is gonna be awesome... making money and living out in the middle of nature and making a huge change in my life and getting away from SoCal. This is EXACTLY what I need right now!!!! I AM TOO EXCITED I CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH IT lol :D

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I got some money and briefly considered it. But then eventually I went to the store and bought all that food instead. That, at least, is a sign of real progress, seeing as how money is quite possibly my #1 trigger.

!!!!

When I was first able to start doing that I knew I was making serious progress. I'm applauding you over here on my end, xburtonchic! That's some amazing progress and I'm wishing you the best of luck. Just keep up that great work, keep focusing on your basic needs like food, and eventually you'll be immersing yourself back in music, exercising, hanging out with friends, work, and before you know it you'll be doing great again. %)

I'm currently trying to get back into work myself, though I'm doing great with my novel and with music. I just released some music online for free 2 days ago; anyone is welcome to PM me for a link if they'd like.

 

[xburtonchic]

Thank youu C.H, your post made me smile :D

And I wanna hear it!! Just curious, you work out of FL right?? I'm switching to Ableton once I get a new laptop, it's gonna be sooo much better than GarageBand. GarageBand is literally the only DAW I can operate on this laptop, it's so basic... you can't even time stretch on it, wtf??... and 90% of plugins don't even work with it. It's frustrating but that's what I get for losing my old laptop haha... I pretty much am stuck using it exclusively right now, the only time I don't is if I'm collaborating with someone else and we're using their software/controllers. But yeah... I can't wait to switch Ableton lol... and FL. FL is my favorite

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I actually only used a really simple audio editor called goldwave

For anyone else interested; check out Non-Electronic Music Discussion; there is a stickied thread "post your recordings here.mp3" that I posted 2 links in

 

[BlueSaffron]

I had a feeling that's what happened. I've always done the same thing when I've relapsed and disappeared from the forums. It's okay, no one here is judging you... it happens. If there's one thing I know it's that you're strong as fuck... I have faith in you. It's just good to hear from you

Thanks chick. I've kept myself in mild withdrawal (pupils dilated, achy, restless, ect) most of the day today. It sucks but knowing how much worse it could be I really can't complain too much. There's absolutely no reason this can't work, it just comes down to my own willpower.

And yeah I'm hella grateful for everything I have. I promise you that's not the issue, even if it seems like it. Withdrawing just fucks with my head. It's like I know the appreciation and gratefulness and beauty in life is there, I just can't reach it sometimes.

I know exactly what you mean. Its like everything just seems black, and awful, and like it'll always be that way. Then if you relapse things seem better - even when you're hot hella high, just when you're normal, and so you tell yourself "next time I try to quit I'm going to remember that depression is all in my head". But then when the time comes again, it's so hard to remember that. It sucks... but my depression from being sick today isn't nearly as bad as it was when I was on methadone.

It's like the physical discomfort blocks out any possibility at being happy when it starts getting bad. And then there's just the random mood swings that come out of nowhere and don't have any trigger or make any sort of sense. They just happen. It's almost like I can feel the chemical change happening in my brain... I don't even know lol. I know it will start over if I relapse. That's part of the reason I'm not touching the Vicodin or the MS Contin I have. Not because I think either of those will lead me back to heroin... I'm feeling pretty confident about my ability to stay away from that right now tbh... but because I don't see how adding any stimulation to my opiate receptors right now is going to make me better faster. If anything I risk feeling worse afterward. My brother's friend gave me some weed and hash tho, that's about all I'm willing to do right now. And that's only because weed helps the mental symptoms a hell of a lot and reduces my anxiety and makes it easier to dissociate and such.

yeah, I feel like any stimulation to the receptors during detox makes them think "oh wait, the chemicals are back, quick, go back to how we were a few weeks ago". It just feels like it's hella easy to erase any progress you've made.

Anyway I hope you keep posting. I'm rooting for you!! Much love

thanks chick I'm hoping to be able to say I'm totally clean in a few days.

edit: LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE GOING UP NORTH AFTER ALL, hell yeah!! This is gonna be awesome... making money and living out in the middle of nature and making a huge change in my life and getting away from SoCal. This is EXACTLY what I need right now!!!! I AM TOO EXCITED I CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH IT lol :D

woohoo, that's awesome! I'm happy for you