Septsober - The September gettn and stayn sober thread 2014
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deltakappamu
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Have about 60 days clean at this time. Just got back out of rehab. Had over two years clean and relapsed and had been back out for a while. Tried rehab a few months back and they sent me home w a maintenance script and I tried that route (again,) and I ended up getting high. I have never fared well with the maintenance meds (either subs or methadone,) and this time I decided to detox completely and I am so glad that I chose that route. I feel better than I ever have!
Progress, not perfection. If an addict like me can find recovery again, then anyone can. We can do it!
Progress, not perfection. If an addict like me can find recovery again, then anyone can. We can do it!
Captain.Heroin
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xburtonchic
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Sorry for your loss, trainspotter. As addicts, the only way we can know peace is through recovery or death, and sadly, a lot of times it ends up being the latter. But your uncle is finally at peace. I hope that knowing this will give some peace of mind to you and the rest of your family as you grieve... 
@SilverFeniks -- well, I do believe in luck. And I believe in the power we have as human beings to change things. So I think that as long as you keep trying, you WILL see progress. I'm still the same heroin addicted girl I was almost 3 years ago now, but at the same time, I'm not. Even though I still struggle, I am confident that I have made a TON of progress in many ways. I'm a completely different person than that girl from 3 years ago. It's all in the mind and in how you look at it. You CAN do it
Congrats on 60 days, delta!!
@SilverFeniks -- well, I do believe in luck. And I believe in the power we have as human beings to change things. So I think that as long as you keep trying, you WILL see progress. I'm still the same heroin addicted girl I was almost 3 years ago now, but at the same time, I'm not. Even though I still struggle, I am confident that I have made a TON of progress in many ways. I'm a completely different person than that girl from 3 years ago. It's all in the mind and in how you look at it. You CAN do it
Congrats on 60 days, delta!!
The Doc.
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Not your fault he wasnt happy
Thanks blue saffron I know there's not much we could do he simply didn't help himself so how can we help him you know what I mean? Still a sad day I truly thought he would get well but recently after not hearing from him for a while I started getting these thoughts like something was wrong with him then I just heard this news yesterday what a terrible thing.
Thanks for the support
The Doc.
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Yes smoky its not enough it can be extremely hard for us to see beauty in today's world so many of us are simply lost souls looking for peace.Oh, so sorry to hear of your loss trainspotter…
My condolences.
Thanks smoky
The Doc.
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Sorry for your loss, trainspotter. As addicts, the only way we can know peace is through recovery or death, and sadly, a lot of times it ends up being the latter. But your uncle is finally at peace. I hope that knowing this will give some peace of mind to you and the rest of your family as you grieve...
I know what you mean it feels like people are dropping like flies from this plauge we call addiction its tough to watch but really puts things into perspective what's important you know. I know he's at peace and I'm happy for him he always said he wanted to go see his mom in heaven i dont belive in that but who knows mabye they are together somewhere their spirits free with no more pain with his arm around her shoulder happy to be home. His dad was still alive he gave up on him years ago and turned his back on him but I can see why you can't have a drunk loud person around all the time getting into trouble.
But Life goes on
Thanks for the support captain
Good luck in your recovery I wish you all the best and thanks for being supportive to everyone on here
He's in a better place now wherever that is I like to picture him with his mother and his arm around her shoulder happy to be home.
Thanks guys your all awesome
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phactor
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Sorry for your loss Trainspotter, I have had a lot of people I know relapsing, dropping out of the program, getting hospitalized and committing suicide over the past month. Maybe its the change of the season? When season's change we are often exposed to new activities and feelings that we might not have experienced clean.
Anyways, 4 months for me today!
Anyways, 4 months for me today!
xburtonchic
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^^ def. the season change. around this time last year was when things started changing for me, and I wasn't prepared for it, and it's what ultimately led me to go on another year-long run. seasonal changes bring about a lot of changes in mood and lifestyle and availability of friends and family and even different expectations of yourself and other people. if you aren't prepared for it or haven't yet experienced it sober, it's easy to relapse.
Sooo how is everyone's day going??
Sooo how is everyone's day going??
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PriestTheyCalledHim
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I'm sorry for your loss Trainspotter. I'm at 2 years and one month here, and doing OK.
SilverFeniks
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I`ve been in love & hate with my bipolarity & addictions for years ...
Have a milestone birthday coming up, never really planned to make it this far, certainly not still living like this. Was supposed to get clean, sober & stable a few birthdays back...
If I can't find inspiration amidst this depression to throw off a decade+ of addiction this month I don't see any point in forging forward.
Erase, delete, repeat. Going it alone all this time has made it impossible.
Have a milestone birthday coming up, never really planned to make it this far, certainly not still living like this. Was supposed to get clean, sober & stable a few birthdays back...
If I can't find inspiration amidst this depression to throw off a decade+ of addiction this month I don't see any point in forging forward.
Erase, delete, repeat. Going it alone all this time has made it impossible.
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phactor
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There is help out there if you want it. Hell, feel free to PM me at any time if you feel the need. We have both been struggling for a long time with this stuff.
Anyways, about to head out to my internship. I was sick all last week and today is the first day I'd say I feel close to 100 percent...
People in the Midwest should be aware of this:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/...alizes-hundreds-of-kids-in-midwest-and-south/
It wasn't fun. One of my main goals for this week is to be more accepting of the flaws/defects of others. Far too often I hold people to either way to high standards or expect nothing from them. Its gotta be about balance for me. I have to admit, that many times I feel like I am the best person in the entire world or the worst piece of shit on the planet. Now, that is getting much better and I am developing a much better view of myself but the extremism still pops up from time to time.
124 days today (4 months, 1 day)
xburtonchic
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damn phactor, you were sick with that?? that sounds scary, glad you're feeling better now tho.
day 3 today for me... feels like it's been longer though, like I should be on day 4 instead. Got a hold of half an 8mg Suboxone strip and some kind of generic bupe/naloxone white 5.4mg pill that I have never seen before in my life. I did not even know that dose existed. I've been taking the smallest doses possible tho, I think maybe I took 1.5mg total yesterday and took even less the day before that. Aiming for even less today since those doses have been holding me just fine. It's weird, in the past when I've taken more Suboxone, I've felt worse than the times where I've kept myself on the lowest dose possible. What's up with that?? haha. But yeah, last year when I got clean, I think I took around 40mg over the course of 5 days. This time I'll be taking around 10mg over the course of 4 days. Since I don't feel too bad now, I'm really hoping that means the withdrawals will be less severe than when I jumped off last year. They really weren't bad then either, but they were still borderline crazy-making. So yeah. LUCKILY THO I've been sleeping fine at night, surprisingly. I know that won't last once I stop taking the Subs, but whatevers. I'll take what I can get right now because I know how important sleep is during detox. A healthy balance of being as active as possible during the day and sleeping at night means feeling better sooner rather than later
I just feel relieved to be done with this whole vicious cycle finally. I've had cravings, but they never last long because I realize there is absolutely NO point in even trying to score. It turns out that being broke and not having a car has been a blessing in disguise... plus I don't have my rigs anymore, and I can't get more without driving to the needle exchange 45 minutes away, so that settles that. Pretty much just like I knew/was hoping it would be. I don't want to say for sure I won't relapse, but I'm feeling pretty confident that I'm finally gonna be looking at some solid clean time again. I'm gonna do my best to work through whatever issues keep causing me to relapse so that by the time I do have easy access to the stuff again, it will be easier to resist the cravings and impulse to go score.
Hope everyone has a good day
Here is a video for anyone who needs some inspiration for the courage to keep fighting
day 3 today for me... feels like it's been longer though, like I should be on day 4 instead. Got a hold of half an 8mg Suboxone strip and some kind of generic bupe/naloxone white 5.4mg pill that I have never seen before in my life. I did not even know that dose existed. I've been taking the smallest doses possible tho, I think maybe I took 1.5mg total yesterday and took even less the day before that. Aiming for even less today since those doses have been holding me just fine. It's weird, in the past when I've taken more Suboxone, I've felt worse than the times where I've kept myself on the lowest dose possible. What's up with that?? haha. But yeah, last year when I got clean, I think I took around 40mg over the course of 5 days. This time I'll be taking around 10mg over the course of 4 days. Since I don't feel too bad now, I'm really hoping that means the withdrawals will be less severe than when I jumped off last year. They really weren't bad then either, but they were still borderline crazy-making. So yeah. LUCKILY THO I've been sleeping fine at night, surprisingly. I know that won't last once I stop taking the Subs, but whatevers. I'll take what I can get right now because I know how important sleep is during detox. A healthy balance of being as active as possible during the day and sleeping at night means feeling better sooner rather than later
I just feel relieved to be done with this whole vicious cycle finally. I've had cravings, but they never last long because I realize there is absolutely NO point in even trying to score. It turns out that being broke and not having a car has been a blessing in disguise... plus I don't have my rigs anymore, and I can't get more without driving to the needle exchange 45 minutes away, so that settles that. Pretty much just like I knew/was hoping it would be. I don't want to say for sure I won't relapse, but I'm feeling pretty confident that I'm finally gonna be looking at some solid clean time again. I'm gonna do my best to work through whatever issues keep causing me to relapse so that by the time I do have easy access to the stuff again, it will be easier to resist the cravings and impulse to go score.
Hope everyone has a good day
Here is a video for anyone who needs some inspiration for the courage to keep fighting
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xburtonchic
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day 4 :D
and I start school todayy.
I don't think I've ever seen the social thread inactive for this long lol... I feel like I'm talking to myself.
and I start school todayy.
I don't think I've ever seen the social thread inactive for this long lol... I feel like I'm talking to myself.
Captain.Heroin
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xburtonchic
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Thank you!! It's not real school - it's just a certificate program at an adult school - but it's something proactive and it will help me get a job. I recently decided to go back to college next semester tho, I want to be a zoologist along with working on my music. A scientist-music producer, haha
Ew the last two days have been HARD tho. Yesterday my ex came over (because he is friends with my bro). I hadn't seen him since the night our relationship blew up in my face almost a year ago, and I was NOT expecting him to be at my house. I mean, it was good to see him, and we were cool with each other and I even chilled with him and my bro for a bit and it was all good... but it hit me like a ton of bricks later on that it's really, truly over. I hadn't accepted that yet because I was all strung out and avoiding my feelings via heroin. And then today my mom and I got in a huge fight and she made me leave the house. I was feeling really fucking overwhelmed. I didn't know what else to do so I grabbed a towel, walked to the park by my house, found a secluded spot in some trees, and pretty much begged the universe (which is my higher power just FYI) to help me figure out what the fuck to do. It was crazy tho, like not even a minute later I had this voice in my head telling me to let it go and giving me permission to cry, and I put my head in my arms and started crying, and I swear to God there was a presence there with me the whole time I was crying and being pathetic and miserable comforting me and reassuring me over and over that I was going to be okay. And so I let myself cry for everything I've been avoiding accepting -- for the life I could be having if I had never gotten addicted to opiates in the first place, and for losing heroin which has been my safety blanket for so long, and for losing my ex, and because I realized in that moment that everything was changing and I had to say goodbye and let some things go. But when it was over it was like I had shedded a layer of pain. And I walked home, and on the way I saw a horse, and I pet it and it licked my hand, and I took that as a further sign that everything is okay. Everything is the way it should be. I can live without heroin, I can live without my ex, and it is not the end of the world if my mom and I got in a fight, and it is time for me to be more proactive and involved with my own life so that better things can come into it.
And now I feel a whole lot better and more clear-headed and everything. So anyone who says that asking a higher power to help you and give you answers is bs and won't do anything, has obviously never tried it before. ;p
ANYWAY. All that being said... WHY IS THIS THREAD SOOOO FREAKING DEAD FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS??? Are me and C.H the only people left on here??? lol
Ew the last two days have been HARD tho. Yesterday my ex came over (because he is friends with my bro). I hadn't seen him since the night our relationship blew up in my face almost a year ago, and I was NOT expecting him to be at my house. I mean, it was good to see him, and we were cool with each other and I even chilled with him and my bro for a bit and it was all good... but it hit me like a ton of bricks later on that it's really, truly over. I hadn't accepted that yet because I was all strung out and avoiding my feelings via heroin. And then today my mom and I got in a huge fight and she made me leave the house. I was feeling really fucking overwhelmed. I didn't know what else to do so I grabbed a towel, walked to the park by my house, found a secluded spot in some trees, and pretty much begged the universe (which is my higher power just FYI) to help me figure out what the fuck to do. It was crazy tho, like not even a minute later I had this voice in my head telling me to let it go and giving me permission to cry, and I put my head in my arms and started crying, and I swear to God there was a presence there with me the whole time I was crying and being pathetic and miserable comforting me and reassuring me over and over that I was going to be okay. And so I let myself cry for everything I've been avoiding accepting -- for the life I could be having if I had never gotten addicted to opiates in the first place, and for losing heroin which has been my safety blanket for so long, and for losing my ex, and because I realized in that moment that everything was changing and I had to say goodbye and let some things go. But when it was over it was like I had shedded a layer of pain. And I walked home, and on the way I saw a horse, and I pet it and it licked my hand, and I took that as a further sign that everything is okay. Everything is the way it should be. I can live without heroin, I can live without my ex, and it is not the end of the world if my mom and I got in a fight, and it is time for me to be more proactive and involved with my own life so that better things can come into it.
And now I feel a whole lot better and more clear-headed and everything. So anyone who says that asking a higher power to help you and give you answers is bs and won't do anything, has obviously never tried it before. ;p
ANYWAY. All that being said... WHY IS THIS THREAD SOOOO FREAKING DEAD FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS??? Are me and C.H the only people left on here??? lol
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Smoky
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Ahh, it's great to have a social thread… I am dragging so much I feel like I might just slip into a coma and never get back, but I'm only in my 3rd week off Heroin and coffee in the morning is something to look forward to, and work keeps me moving for a bit. The panic, derealization, seeming psychosis part is mostly over so I can't complain…..
There is also this sense of doom as the seasons change (someone mentioned), especially in the city with the dealers and reminders on every corner of what was. The days get darker earlier and the memories of what happened last year will be hovering over me.
I've got to get back into my creative spirit … publish again, get 'with it' and stop moaning, but this is kinda where things are at …
I go a little insane if I am not producing some sort of work, so this could be a part of it.
Grateful - I'm not seizing up overdosing or flat lining today (this was my former life, seemingly), so things could 'always' be worse and won't as long as I don't put an opiate in my system today.
Found a glob in the back of my car today, and threw it out.
There is also this sense of doom as the seasons change (someone mentioned), especially in the city with the dealers and reminders on every corner of what was. The days get darker earlier and the memories of what happened last year will be hovering over me.
I've got to get back into my creative spirit … publish again, get 'with it' and stop moaning, but this is kinda where things are at …
I go a little insane if I am not producing some sort of work, so this could be a part of it.
Grateful - I'm not seizing up overdosing or flat lining today (this was my former life, seemingly), so things could 'always' be worse and won't as long as I don't put an opiate in my system today.
Found a glob in the back of my car today, and threw it out.
xburtonchic
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Nice job throwing that piece out that you found... I know it's not easy!! When I broke my last rigs the other day it was the hardest thing ever, but damn does it make you feel good after, and proud
It is good to have a social thread. Very few people IRL know what I'm doing currently, and 99% of the ones who do are just people I used with. And obviously they all disappeared... don't even bother to text me to ask how I'm doing since I told them I was getting clean lol... so having this forum is something I'm really grateful for, it's like a lifeline at times. I honestly look forward to coming on here every day.
Coffee is awesome. Are you trying to exercise at all, Smoky? If not then you should try to do a little bit every day, even if it's just walking around your front yard or even just light stretching, I mean literally ANYTHING that will get your body moving. I always feel like I'm dragging too at first, but after a couple days I can't stand it anymore and get to a point where I'm just like "fuck this shit, I'm going to make myself move whether I like it or not". It sucks at first, I know, but it really helps to get your blood flowing and everything. It also reduces anxiety and all the negative feelings. And it helps you sleep. The way I feel today, energy and mood-wise, is a huge improvement from the way I felt 3 days ago. Really, I'm more lazy and lethargic when I'm using than I am when I'm detoxing... strange. Plus I feel rested since I've been able to get a full night of sleep each night. All that just from walking around my neighborhood once or twice everyday
It is good to have a social thread. Very few people IRL know what I'm doing currently, and 99% of the ones who do are just people I used with. And obviously they all disappeared... don't even bother to text me to ask how I'm doing since I told them I was getting clean lol... so having this forum is something I'm really grateful for, it's like a lifeline at times. I honestly look forward to coming on here every day.
Coffee is awesome. Are you trying to exercise at all, Smoky? If not then you should try to do a little bit every day, even if it's just walking around your front yard or even just light stretching, I mean literally ANYTHING that will get your body moving. I always feel like I'm dragging too at first, but after a couple days I can't stand it anymore and get to a point where I'm just like "fuck this shit, I'm going to make myself move whether I like it or not". It sucks at first, I know, but it really helps to get your blood flowing and everything. It also reduces anxiety and all the negative feelings. And it helps you sleep. The way I feel today, energy and mood-wise, is a huge improvement from the way I felt 3 days ago. Really, I'm more lazy and lethargic when I'm using than I am when I'm detoxing... strange. Plus I feel rested since I've been able to get a full night of sleep each night. All that just from walking around my neighborhood once or twice everyday
Captain.Heroin
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That was a really inspiring post xburtonchic - we all definitely can learn from it. I will have to give myself permission to cry when necessary in the future.
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