MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[ro4eva]

My boyfriend broke up with me today and kicked me out of his house after yet another massive argument about how my illness is affecting him.

I'm not sad, i'm actually quite relieved. I feel like he was making me so much worse and i feel like me being so unhappy with him is partly the reason i ended up in this mess in the first place. He hasn't respected or supported any of my attempts to get better (he actually once went off on a rant about how I'm wasting my time saving for a counselor and eating healthy/exercising, and how just taking tons of md and coke helped him through his own depression, which is in my opinion just a reckless and arrogant approach) and then complains about the fact that I'm still messed up.

I feel like today is the day that hopefully things start to turn around for the better and i start making some notable strides forward recovery wise. Sorry for totally going off on a tangent on this thread, just needed to vent

edit - he also said i shouldn't waste my time talking to 'losers' on the internet about this. I told him you guys were the only genuine support I've received and that i can do what the fuck i want. I also told him to go fuck himself

For what it's worth, I'm sorry to hear that.

That being said - in my opinion, this sort of behavior suggests that he probably didn't love you unconditionally (husband material).

Yes, I know you weren't married to him, but if it's any consolation, it appears that in times of great difficulty, your relationship wouldn't have lasted very long. Don't worry though, to use an overused cliché, "there's plenty of fish in the sea." And many of them will stick around like leeches (bad analogy? lol) if they love you - regardless of your health.

And I know that couples, siblings, and best friends can say or do some very hurtful and/or insulting things to each other when they're very frustrated and/or upset - much of which may not have been meant (e.g. name-calling, false accusations, false assumptions, prejudice, etc.).

I've been guilty of this myself many times over the past decade, and it was especially a problem when I was dealing with LTC symptoms. My patience was tested like never before back then, as I had to juggle a full time job, a second part-time job, a family, and a busy home with a severe chronic illness which was making me feel like collapsing after a 10 hour shift. It was rough.

When sick, I used to take my frustrations of being sick for so long out on the wrong people, and then would feel extremely guilty once I felt a little better. And then I always go and ask my significant other (if it was her) for forgiveness. And I would also do my best to ensure the kids were alright and that they knew I will always love them no matter what.

My point in telling you all this is that - although it was extremely hard on them as well - my family did not ever stop supporting me through the most difficult time in my life by far. And I believe that their unconditional love and support gave me peace of mind that I could recover and we would be as we were before: a strong, close-knit home. And I hope you have someone who will be a pillar of support as well while you're dealing with this issue.

Anyways, I'm wondering if he'll try to contact you and say he's genuinely sorry for what he did, as it may suggest that I was wrong, and that he does love you through thick and thin.

All in all however, I just hope this doesn't end up causing you such great pain and stress that it'll undo any gains you've made in relation to your LTC.

I wish you a quick and complete recovery from whatever symptoms are affecting you - be well India111.

 

[India111]

Thank you ro4eva, you're very kind

And christ, you were working two jobs during your ltc? No wonder you had to take time off, with all the symptoms you had i couldn't imagine having to support a family aswell! I can only just about manage a part time job, and even that's a struggle to get through the day! (I actually have to sneak off once or twice each day for a power nap or i don't think i could do it at all).

Tbh dude, even if he did ring to take it back i wouldn't accept his apology, i met up with some old friends today and had the most fun I've had in a long time, even forgot about the Dr/dp for a few hours, even though it was still very obviously there. I just didn't care for a bit because i was laughing so much. I really needed that, and it made me realise i need to stop clinging to someone i don't want to be with for emotional support. It's not fair on either of us, and it makes me very unhappy in the long run.

 

[coderbrah]

Ro, yes Yoga was pretty intense, especially since I'm battling fatigue. I think PMZ can talk about the long term effects better than I can.

I had stopped the benzo completely for 3 weeks. I had some major anxiety the first 5 days but then it went away. I took my first klonopin again 4 days ago and it did nothing for the depression/dpdr so I don't think that was the curlpit. It might've just been the Lexapro dosage increase. Speaking of which, I think I feel it kicking in. The past three days I have been remarkably calm and grounded (relatively speaking ). And I feel way less impulsive with money (that was also a big thing lol). Also I'm doing more stuff now (like picking up the guitar after trying a run and then doing some journaling). And now that I think about it I have been really enjoying my work lately. Dare I say it I even look forward to tomorrow so I can work again and spend more time developing and healing. Wow, having an 'aha' moment here.

Also I like it when you talk a lot lol, I always look forward to reading your posts. As I said before I admire you for helping us through this and once I recover I hope I can be of value to a future sufferer as well.

Philly, I asked my doctor for a sleep study but she wanted to wait and let me keep a sleep journal first. I think going to bed earlier will do me a lot of good.

Just so you guys know, I don't believe in staying off of Bluelight. I check this thread first thing every morning when I wake up and I enjoy the conversation. To tell you the truth I feel more connected to you guys than anyone in the "real world" right now, even if I haven't replied to you. We're all gonna make it. You can either view this shit as a prison or a school and I'm positive we're gonna make ourselves proud for the mental strength we've mustered.

 

[Dawglaw]

^ truth. At the end of the day MRIs, doctors, shrinks, loved ones, significant others, etc., can try to empathize but they will never have a clue about how terrible a LTC can be.

As dark as the days may seem, things do get better. Some sooner than others and longer than all of you would want, but life will get better. You all will come out of this stronger and tougher than you were before your ltc.

 

[Tpchan85]

Hey all
This will likely be my last post in this thread. I've been seeing the doctors about digestive issues on and off for years and my recent symptoms I attributed to an LTC (they started 3 days after dropping a hefty amount of MDMA). I've been in and out of doctors offices wondering if I'm an anxious hypochondriac, whether I have neurotoxic brain damage or what. After finally pushing for in depth tests, something I should have done years ago, I've been diagnosed with celiac disease and subsequently deficiencies in B12, folate and possibly vitamin D. Two weeks gluten free and I seem to be leaving the living hell that was the past 5 months of my life. I was probably so attracted to MDMA and other stimulants because they lifted the brain fog, poor focus and social anxiety I suffered from as a result of undiagnosed celiac disease. Whether or not that drug abuse compounded with an already stressed neurological system has caused any permanent effects is impossible to know, undiagnosed B12 deficiency can cause permanent neurological damage alone. It may take a year or two for me to feel normal again or I may never feel perfectly normal again. Mostly I think my MDMA abuse left me mentally vulnerable and unable to cope with what was happening to me, I questioned my own sanity and didn't trust my own intuition. Please if you feel there is any chance that something more is wrong than an LTC go to your doctor and get basic tests done like B12 levels, the biggest thing I regret is telling my doctor I had used drugs as it painted me into a corner and stopped real tests being done. I wish all of you the best in recovering from this, if your hell is anything like mine that I experienced then you are all extremely strong people to continue to have hope and keep going. I can't count how many times visiting this thread, posting my thoughts here and listening to others saved me from the brink of insanity.
Thank you.
Tpchan85 out.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

And I feel way less impulsive with money (that was also a big thing lol).

I can relate, though not with money necessarily. My spontaneity and impulsiveness was massively increased early in my LTC, and it still is now though it has improved. It's interesting to note that they've found a correlation between spontaneity and MDMA use in research.

Just so you guys know, I don't believe in staying off of Bluelight. I check this thread first thing every morning when I wake up and I enjoy the conversation.

I thoroughly enjoy the conversation myself, though I'm a little sad that I'm still not one of the recovered guys. I'm creeping up on 9 months now, and I really thought I would be there by now. I am not scared or anxious, but the thought of never recovering is entering my mind more and more now. I will give it a year, then I will try medication.

 

[Deltronpedro]

@Tpchan85:
Im happy for you, man! Keep it up

So guys, anyone of you did good with hypnosis or thought about it?
My dad - as a doctor - recommended it to me and thought it might could help out of this anxiety mind. I think the LTC is more or less caused by a trauma, dont you think so? And if it is, hypnosis might be the key to get over it.

Have good day and thanks for this wonderful conversation, gives me hope when Im in need.

 

[laughingboy]

@rphilli72
I hope you're wrong - I am assuming that there must be a spectrum of recovery time in these sort of cases, with some being lucky and only having issues for a matter of weeks rather than months. Time will tell.

I think you're totally right about staying off all drugs/alcohol though. I knocked smoking weed on the head straight away (I was a big weed smoker) as I just knew I couldn't cope with any weed-induced paranoia/anxiety on top of what I was feeling. I have been drinking though. Had a few days off and felt much calmer, then went out and had a few - big mistake. The mild hangover made me feel that I'd almost gone back to square one. Had to travel that day and I just couldn't cope with all the busy places, it was like all my senses were completely overwhelmed.

I feel pretty good today. If I have a calm day where everything is under my control, do some mediation, exercise, eat well, I feel almost normal. But if anything jolts me off track I'm a mess. It's like I'm walking a tightrope - everything is fine and in balance then something happens to make me plummet into the abyss.

The biggest problem I'm having is dealing with my partner / friends. They are all big drinkers, and those I was at the festival with did MD again last weekend, in fact some of them have done it twice since. I really want to avoid getting drunk let alone getting into a situation where I'm being offered pills etc. I'm kinda getting an attitude of 'it's been ages, you must be better now, comedowns only last a week, it's just in your head'. So I'm really avoiding most people I know and I'm not sure that being alone is necessarily the best way of making progress.

 

[Deltronpedro]

@rphilli72


I think you're totally right about staying off all drugs/alcohol though. I knocked smoking weed on the head straight away (I was a big weed smoker) as I just knew I couldn't cope with any weed-induced paranoia/anxiety on top of what I was feeling. I have been drinking though. Had a few days off and felt much calmer, then went out and had a few - big mistake. The mild hangover made me feel that I'd almost gone back to square one. Had to travel that day and I just couldn't cope with all the busy places, it was like all my senses were completely overwhelmed.

I feel pretty good today. If I have a calm day where everything is under my control, do some mediation, exercise, eat well, I feel almost normal. But if anything jolts me off track I'm a mess. It's like I'm walking a tightrope - everything is fine and in balance then something happens to make me plummet into the abyss.

The biggest problem I'm having is dealing with my partner / friends. They are all big drinkers, and those I was at the festival with did MD again last weekend, in fact some of them have done it twice since. I really want to avoid getting drunk let alone getting into a situation where I'm being offered pills etc. I'm kinda getting an attitude of 'it's been ages, you must be better now, comedowns only last a week, it's just in your head'. So I'm really avoiding most people I know and I'm not sure that being alone is necessarily the best way of making progress.

You're not alone buddy. Im right with you and have the same problems. How long are you in this comedown allready? It feared me being so distracted from all what made me feel happy, like making party with my friends or just chill at home and smoke some weed. But last week I noticed distance to all that is ( If you ask me it's a trauma the MDMA induced and thats why we cant easily do the same shit, which brought us here) just what you need as I had an evning sitting together with my buddies and had just fun with them without smoking with them weed, first time for 2 month, that gave me hope. I think its just the depression wich makes the distance between youre friends or your habbits and you worse. When youre back recovered you will see it runs automatically the same ways as it did before and you will have fun going on festivals with your buddies and sitting at home smoking some pott and just relaxd. Thats what Im cherishing right now.

 

[pmz]

I kinda feel like yoga has been my miracle drug. When ever I'm in a bad place. I go to a class and i'm good. I do it with an intention of going every day given my schedule allows. Its saving my life slowly I believe.

 

[ro4eva]

Ro, yes Yoga was pretty intense, especially since I'm battling fatigue. I think PMZ can talk about the long term effects better than I can.

I should give it a try I'm thinking.

I had stopped the benzo completely for 3 weeks. I had some major anxiety the first 5 days but then it went away. I took my first klonopin again 4 days ago and it did nothing for the depression/dpdr so I don't think that was the curlpit. It might've just been the Lexapro dosage increase. Speaking of which, I think I feel it kicking in. The past three days I have been remarkably calm and grounded (relatively speaking ). And I feel way less impulsive with money (that was also a big thing lol). Also I'm doing more stuff now (like picking up the guitar after trying a run and then doing some journaling). And now that I think about it I have been really enjoying my work lately. Dare I say it I even look forward to tomorrow so I can work again and spend more time developing and healing. Wow, having an 'aha' moment here.

It's relieving that it sounds like your issue was not due to benzo dependency, as it can cause great difficulty if/when trying to quit for good.

Also I like it when you talk a lot lol, I always look forward to reading your posts. As I said before I admire you for helping us through this and once I recover I hope I can be of value to a future sufferer as well.

Thank you - I really appreciate your kind words.

I admit that my attitude/personality/behavior may seem over-the-top and/or awkward at times, which may alienate me from certain individuals. However, I know that you're all going through a very difficult time, thus, I feel it's best if I try to be as compassionate, patient, and optimistic as possible.

Just so you guys know, I don't believe in staying off of Bluelight. I check this thread first thing every morning when I wake up and I enjoy the conversation. To tell you the truth I feel more connected to you guys than anyone in the "real world" right now, even if I haven't replied to you. We're all gonna make it. You can either view this shit as a prison or a school and I'm positive we're gonna make ourselves proud for the mental strength we've mustered.

It is definitely impressive how a sizable part of the Bluelight community has been able to come together like this - especially since many of us haven't been feeling very well for a while. And it's great that the tread hasn't been frequently derailed with ad hominem attacks and/or derogatory remarks due to somewhat differing opinions and such. And I hope it continues without such incidents.

In any case, I hope you're feeling better coderbrah, and have a good one

 

[Deltronpedro]

Hey ro,
I have another question to you:
How long did you take Zoloft/Welbutrin.And did you take them at the same time?

 

[PJ2]

Hey all
This will likely be my last post in this thread. I've been seeing the doctors about digestive issues on and off for years and my recent symptoms I attributed to an LTC (they started 3 days after dropping a hefty amount of MDMA). I've been in and out of doctors offices wondering if I'm an anxious hypochondriac, whether I have neurotoxic brain damage or what. After finally pushing for in depth tests, something I should have done years ago, I've been diagnosed with celiac disease and subsequently deficiencies in B12, folate and possibly vitamin D. Two weeks gluten free and I seem to be leaving the living hell that was the past 5 months of my life. I was probably so attracted to MDMA and other stimulants because they lifted the brain fog, poor focus and social anxiety I suffered from as a result of undiagnosed celiac disease. Whether or not that drug abuse compounded with an already stressed neurological system has caused any permanent effects is impossible to know, undiagnosed B12 deficiency can cause permanent neurological damage alone. It may take a year or two for me to feel normal again or I may never feel perfectly normal again. Mostly I think my MDMA abuse left me mentally vulnerable and unable to cope with what was happening to me, I questioned my own sanity and didn't trust my own intuition. Please if you feel there is any chance that something more is wrong than an LTC go to your doctor and get basic tests done like B12 levels, the biggest thing I regret is telling my doctor I had used drugs as it painted me into a corner and stopped real tests being done. I wish all of you the best in recovering from this, if your hell is anything like mine that I experienced then you are all extremely strong people to continue to have hope and keep going. I can't count how many times visiting this thread, posting my thoughts here and listening to others saved me from the brink of insanity.
Thank you.
Tpchan85 out.

I am not surprised that most of us going through a LTC have some sort of side issues. Something has left us more vulnerable than "normal" users because our outcomes are vastly different and pretty unusual. In my case, I think severe sleep apnea may have played a part or maybe being in the midst of a clinical depression did as well.

BTW, ro4eva, I have no clue how you worked two jobs during your LTC. I've been UE for the entire time as I took the MDMA the night I got laid off. I decided to dig into a bottle because I was so pissed and stressed and ran into someone who offered me something to put me in a better mood - Molly. Now, almost 7 months later, I still can't fathom making an 8 hour work day just yet and I feel 1000x better than I did.

@laughingboy,

Yeah, you are describing a LTC to the tee!!! Sorry Can you recover quicker? Sure. Are you likely to be much different than all these anecdotal stories? Not probable. I held out hope that certain things were the cause like "down regulation" and I would be ok in a few weeks or so, but, in the end, it's a long recovery. That's just the truth, man. Every month you'll get better and, hopefully, in a year or so we'll be as good as new if not better.

 

[alpha_76]

Tbh dude, even if he did ring to take it back i wouldn't accept his apology, i met up with some old friends today and had the most fun I've had in a long time, even forgot about the Dr/dp for a few hours, even though it was still very obviously there. I just didn't care for a bit because i was laughing so much. I really needed that, and it made me realise i need to stop clinging to someone i don't want to be with for emotional support.

That's very Good to read. An important part of recovery from an failed relationship is making/renewing friendships again. Keep in touch with peopleaa they by just being there will help with everything.

 

[coderbrah]

I'm almost positive that if I didn't disregard my mental health (I was wearing the same clothes everyday without washing, never seeing my friends, getting myself into debt and not delegating stuff for a year because I was busy coding an app that would become my business) I wouldn't have suffered all of this because of 1 pill. The state I was in (burnt out, sleeping 13 hours a day, unable to focus, very tired all the time and dizzy) for sure made a difference. I have learned to never take my mental health for granted. What we are going through sucks and there's no definitive explanation. But it happened, there's no point in resisting anything. Bad things happen to people and you can be mad and think why me? Or you can figure out how to make the most of the time you're left in this prison. I have accepted that this shit will take a long time still. But I'm prepared to see this through as I know the joy thats life. I have a great support net and doctors and psychs working with me, the best I can do right now is just let go and keep myself occupied with little small goals to strive towards. And sure it sucks now, but things change and people recover.

I used to be an absolute control freak when it came to my mental state. I didn't like any feeling or thought that I couldn't control. Now I've just learned to accept what is. Which is a HUGE step forward for me.

 

[India111]

Btw how are you guys regarding driving with Dr/dp? I'm scared of driving as it is because I'm a new driver (passed my test aaaages ago and basically never drove since) and my main concern with driving like this is i so frequently zone out and find it hard to concentrate for any length of time. I actually drove my car on my own for the first time (as in first time ever, not just with Dr/dp) today and it was shit scary but i did it and didn't crash! Driving is the most challenging thing a person with Dr/dp can do i think, so i think it's important i get over the fear and keep practicing. Just don't want to put myself and others at risk

 

[ro4eva]

Hey ro,
I have another question to you:
How long did you take Zoloft/Welbutrin.And did you take them at the same time?

Hi Deltronpedro,

I took Zoloft (Sertraline) for about ~8 months. I started with 50mg OD, followed by 100mg OD a few weeks later, after the nasty side effects typically associated with SSRI medications dispersed for the most part.

I took Wellbutrin XL (Bupropion) for about ~6 months. I started with 150mg OD for the first week, followed by 300mg OD for the rest of the duration, which apparently is the highest dosage available.

I did combine both of those medications at the behest of my psychiatrist for about 4 weeks. And I felt it aided me in being able to come off of the Zoloft easier, even though they're not considered to be interchangeable medications.

 

[ro4eva]

BTW, ro4eva, I have no clue how you worked two jobs during your LTC. I've been UE for the entire time as I took the MDMA the night I got laid off. I decided to dig into a bottle because I was so pissed and stressed and ran into someone who offered me something to put me in a better mood - Molly. Now, almost 7 months later, I still can't fathom making an 8 hour work day just yet and I feel 1000x better than I did.

Well, look at it this way:

One job (my full time) - I was working 4 x 10 hour shifts per week, with the weekends off.
Another job (part time) - I was working up to 2 x 4 hour shifts per week, and I was able to pick and choose my schedule as long as it was done so the week before, or, it would chosen for me.

After I got sick, the following occurred to my career, which nearly ended it:

- I quit my part time job within a month, giving them 2 weeks notice after 2 weeks sick and noticing that I wasn't recovering.
- In 2005, on top of using up 3 weeks of vacation time after becoming sick in early June, I also called in sick 9 times, and left work early about a dozen times.
- In all of 2006, again I used up 3 weeks of vacation, again called in sick a bunch of times, again left work early a bunch of times, and I spent 6 months on disability.
- Edit - During the time that I did spend at work while sick, I took longer breaks, showed up late, worked at a slow pace, and got a lot of complaints from coworkers. I was not winning any employee of the month awards, that's for sure. In fact, one guy wanted me canned so badly that he secretly began to petition our superiors to let me go. And the only reason I found out was because after he was fired for being caught drinking while on the job, my boss spilled the beans on the whole thing.

I wasn't fired after calling in sick so many times was because I obtained every medical asked for.

While on disability in late 2006, I had to borrow money from my siblings, and I had to cut into a large portion of my retirement savings in order to not file for bankruptcy. Good thing my insurance company allows one emergency withdrawal each year, or I don't know what I would have done. I'm with Manulife Financial by the way.

I even pawned some stuff at one point before deciding to contact Manulife. It's okay though because I eventually bought it all back afterwards.

As this all began back in mid-2005, I feel it's important to stress that after 9 years, it's not as easy for me anymore to recall intricate details of events, but I do remember having issues with sleep and work-related stress for months before it all came crashing down, so to speak.

In fact, I managed to find this post from early 2005 in the Bodybuilding.com forums, which I posted because of severe insomnia (I didn't tell them about my recreational drug use because it's not a popular topic around there), which you can read if you wish: http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=396374&page=1

Edit - I don't remember who I told this to, so I'll write it again just in case: Back when I was suffering from my 19 month ordeal, I made a promise to myself that if I was to recover fully, that I would try to help others going through similar circumstances. I recovered thankfully, and the years went by. And then by chance, I noticed that someone had created this thread, and I remembered my promise, so here I am.

 

[coderbrah]

Hey ro your inbox is full.

I was originally going to send you this:

The past few days my Lexapro started to kick in and I've been really happy with the improvements I'm seeing thusfar. However today I went for a refill and I notice I have been given generic escitalopram. I'm really freaking out right now because I've read bad stuff about people switching to generics and I could absolutely not deal with me losing my progress now. Have you made a switch from brand to generic before? How was it?

 

[ro4eva]

Hey ro your inbox is full.

I was originally going to send you this:

The past few days my Lexapro started to kick in and I've been really happy with the improvements I'm seeing thusfar. However today I went for a refill and I notice I have been given generic escitalopram. I'm really freaking out right now because I've read bad stuff about people switching to generics and I could absolutely not deal with me losing my progress now. Have you made a switch from brand to generic before? How was it?

Hey man, really sorry about that, been trying to help some other BLers and forgot about the message limits, but it's been addressed.

With respect to your question and based on my opinion from personal experience, I find that generic versions of psychotropic Rx drugs such as SSRIs, benzodiazepines, and so forth can be a hit or miss, or 50 / 50 chances that it's the same synthesis/formulation/manufacturing process.

In light of this, I would definitely recommend that you avoid generic Lexapro like the plague.

The reason is because there's a chance that the potency may be off due to different (lower) quality standards.

Furthermore, when it comes to certain formulations of various Rx drugs - such as Wellbutrin XL - the FDA has found that generic versions of it can be dangerous because too much of the drug is released at once when compared to the name brand. This is at least true in the 300mg version - not sure about the 150mg. A Google search should corroborate my statement. And generic Lexapro may have a similar issue, which is usually only found out after several complaints from patients.

I do understand that name brand versions tend to be (in some cases, a lot) more expensive than the generic version(s), and certain drug insurance plans will not even cover the cost if a generic version is available. That being said, you do not want to risk your health and your gains by ingesting a possibly inferior product.

Believe me, I know the FDA has rigorous testing protocols in place for such things, but they are not perfect, and there have been instances where crap has been passed off as equivalent generic versions of certain meds.

Because I foolishly decided to accept a generic version of Wellbutrin XL one time, I ended up in the local ER due to severe convulsions (the drug in Wellbutrin XL can cause seizures in certain cases - it's rare, but it can happen, such as when too much is ingested).

You can try to ask your pharmacist about this, but they tend to claim that all generic drugs are equivalent to the name brand, but this is simply not true in every case.

Please advise and take care of yourself buddy, I'll be around if you need to talk further, have a good one.