I felt I had to post this
Hey, I'm pretty new. In fact this might be my first post, IDK how to check even. I’m hardly qualified to comment here but I read a bunch of this thread and felt a connection to many of the posts. Most of this is just my personal opinion and not based on fact. It’s most likely not helpful to anyone, but it really helped me to write this all out (sorry for such a long post).
This post is about Trmdol, how I didn't realize it could cause such problems, and wondering how I got to this point.
I started on Ultract 35/325 about 1.5 years ago. They never got me high. It's the highest potency drug that the docs would prescribe for chronic pain and since it was so weak I always had to double and triple dose, and I drank a lot of booze with it too. Only within the last month have I been able to switch to pure Tram 50s to try and save my liver. I'd been taking them for about 3 weeks, eating 'em like candy (300mg a day). They worked much better than the Ultract, but then again I was taking 100mg at a time instead of 65.
Last week I had a pain episode that landed me in the ER (it happens semi-regularly). A couple days after the incident I stood on a ledge at the top of my apartment building trying to think of reasons why I shouldn't jump off and I did not find any, and truthfully I still don’t, but luckily I shook it off temporarily. Yet at the time this suicidal feeling persisted for days. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't read, watch TV or talk to people. I got the runs. I thought about suicide at least a half dozen times a day. A few days later, all of a sudden, I feel better.
Why did this happen? When I went to ER and those generous bastards gave me 12 whole 5mg per¢s, no diagnosis as per usual and sent me on my way. The per¢s lasted about 3 days but as it so happened, this messed up my Tram regiment. I take a bunch of other meds, including an SSRI, which I did get a little off schedule with too, but I've missed days of SSRI dosing before and I've never felt any withdrawal symptoms like that. It usually starts with lightheadedness, then depression that could then progress to worse feelings. Never jumping straight from normal to suicidal.
I realize now that this must have been from the Trams. I didn't know it at the time, in fact I still don't. It's only my own feeling, but these suicidal thoughts came from somewhere unnatural (hence the Trams). Point 1= feeling suicidal is biologically unnatural. (Please read until the end and hear me out). It's an absurd feeling that a person rarely feels. When a person feels suicidal he/she is unequipped to deal with it so when they do they react it is in an urgent, manic, uneducated way. It's not a familiar feeling like anger of fear where we have numerous attempts to encounter it, and learn how to manage it over our lives.
Imagine a two year-old shrugging off her anger the first time she is denied something she wants. It's impossible. The two-year acts out of instinct. She wants chocolate but is denied, gets angry and has a tantrum. Although I too am denied chocolate almost everyday I do not get angry and throw a tantrum (usually) because I have encountered this feeling many times. If I do throw a tantrum I know the consequences i.e. shame, discipline, punishment. Not so with suicidal tendencies. I don’t have a chance to throw a tantrum in the suicidal realm and learn from it because a tantrum here usually equals death.
I feel we are so maladjusted to the suicidal tendency we have no tolerance for it. Second Point= I am not trivializing it. Hell I almost took the plunge myself, and I’m the first to admit that I have nothing to live for yet I have no intrinsic suicidal intentions, at least biologically speaking like I did.
This was the worst withdrawal I've had and I've a few others that sucked mightily, but it was like withdrawal in disguise. It didn't feel like a normal withdrawal. With strong opd$ and ¢OKE I always find my body lets me know why it hurts. It wants more drugs. This time I though I was going insane. There were no typical withdrawal symptoms. FYI- I thought about checking myself into an inpatient facility. I even called a few for info.
I took two trams today for pain and realized for the first time how much better the pure tram is than the Ultra series. I had no idea Tram could cause this kind of withdrawal. Now I do.
Point three= just by waiting it out the situation changed for the positive in a way I never could have imagined as I stood on the ledge. If anyone is feeling super shitty right now, and is thinking about jumping, even if you really have nothing to live for (as I still don't) put it off for at least 24 hours. The feeling might pass. Things could change in a way you never thought possible.
If your reading this and thinking, oh please I feel suicidal everyday and your psychological analysis is BS. Maybe your right, but I still say, wait 24 hours!!
. Take baby steps its not easy but it can be done. Pm me if you ever want to talk.
