The Suicide Support Thread

[Eric B]

That sucks severely etarded. Probably good you're getting out of that job anyway if they don't recognise your efforts. Good luck with finding a new job, your old boss sounds like a cunt (most are lol).

Lately I've been feeling pretty shitty. Just don't feel I'm cut out for this world. Have been driving a bit crazy (not under the influence or anything) and have been tempted to just floor it and drive into a wall to see what happens. I feel pretty pathetic for even writing this because since joining these forums I try and be supportive of other people. I started working out again today at least.

I hope everyone is well.

 

[spork]

^Starting to work out again is a great way to improve yourself and your well-being. It shows that you're taking the steps you need to to start to feel better again. Please remember that these shitty feelings won't last and you'll be feeling better soon. You're such a kind and caring person here, don't forget to be kind to yourself as well.

 

[Eric B]

Thanks so much spork, that really means heaps to me. I just don't know anymore. My whole life has been putting on a brave face. A lot of my friends look up to me and think of me highly but I feel it's all a farce. Recently I've tried to stop smoking weed everyday but have only replaced that with drinking. I just need to feel numb. What makes it worse is that there is nothing that happened that bad to me. We moved to Aus when I was young and my parents were usually working a lot to make ends meet. Then you get the pressure of "we broke our backs to bring you to this country, you better make the most of it". I've been suspended from uni, let my parents down (not that I really think the way they judge 'success' is fair but still), have missed out on doing a lot of things. I'm constantly reminded by my parents that I'm a failure and just getting really sick of it. Usually you hear of people who have had traumatic experiences going through this sort of depression and I really feel for them.

The good thing is I really enjoy doing things with friends and reading good books, listening to good music, etc. so I suppose I'm not in a really deep depression. But I seem to go from happy to sad really quick. I think I have to leave the family house even if it means living out of my car.

Sorry for the rambling, thanks to anyone who listens.

 

[mrflowers00]

i only ever want to do anything with my life when i'm high this is quite the catch .22 it makes me wonder is it really worth it to live if it's gotta be like this

 

[severely etarded]

Just don't feel I'm cut out for this world.

...like I don't fit in anywhere, with anybody. I feel that brother. Drive safely though because on the road there's other people and even people with young children with them too. Be safe m8. Keep your chin up and keep working out! Hope things get better soon!

 

[Eric B]

i only ever want to do anything with my life when i'm high this is quite the catch .22 it makes me wonder is it really worth it to live if it's gotta be like this

I feel like this too at times. When i'm on drugs/alcohol I'll feel so complete. Or just really excited about what's about to happen (whether it be a night partying or a cool acid trip in nature). When I'm sober I'm just looking forward for the next time I get on something. It's like I can't stand being sober. At the moment I'm feeling pretty down but even when I'm 'happy' and in a better frame of mind I still like being on something just to enhance it. I really look up to the Buddhist type monks who seem to have complete peace without any drugs and with the aid of meditation. That idea scares the shit out of me but. Especially at 22.

...like I don't fit in anywhere, with anybody. I feel that brother. Drive safely though because on the road there's other people and even people with young children with them too. Be safe m8. Keep your chin up and keep working out! Hope things get better soon!

Thanks heaps for your message severely etarded. I'm not doing anything too crazy on the road. I'll still look out for speed cameras and unmarked police cars but when I have an open stretch and the cars behind me clearly aren't cops I'll just start flooring it. I think this might be my way of 'self harming' in a way because it's just that adrenalin rush and the feeling of not caring about yourself. In all honesty I really agree with how your saying there are other people on the road. I remember a drug counselor describing how vehicles were "human killing machines". I generally drive cautiously because I really hate being pulled over. I don't drive under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. I'll wait a few hours after smoking a joint before I drive, so perhaps that technically is (although I don't feel high).

I get that too about fitting in. I have some really good friends but even with them I put up a wall of confidence/certain image I want to portray to them. In a sense I suppose we aren't as close as I think because I don't tell them everything (e.g. I would not tell anyone I know in person what I am typing here) but I still enjoy their company and really care for them. But it's like you're playing a game. You keep cheating though and in a way keep winning (they look up to you and have a positive image of you) but like any game - once you start winning by cheating it all starts to seem pointless. Soon you don't know how to play without cheating because it's all you know.

Thanks heaps again for your post severely etarded. I will work out again tomorrow and get a good nights sleep. Just smoked a spliff for you bro. Take care.

 

[mrflowers00]

i'm on the verge of a panic attack because all i have to do is fall asleep and tomorrow i get to pick up 240 30mg oxycodone pills then i think about my life and it's kinda sad that this is what i have to look forward too

 

[severely etarded]

I get that too about fitting in. I have some really good friends but even with them I put up a wall of confidence/certain image I want to portray to them. In a sense I suppose we aren't as close as I think because I don't tell them everything (e.g. I would not tell anyone I know in person what I am typing here) but I still enjoy their company and really care for them. But it's like you're playing a game. You keep cheating though and in a way keep winning (they look up to you and have a positive image of you) but like any game - once you start winning by cheating it all starts to seem pointless. Soon you don't know how to play without cheating because it's all you know.

Thanks heaps again for your post severely etarded. I will work out again tomorrow and get a good nights sleep. Just smoked a spliff for you bro. Take care.

Good night's rest and working out is about all you can do aside from trying to find your place in life. TBH the only reason I haven't gone through with any of my many suicide plans is because I play the lottery. Costs $1 and even though I know I won't ever win I keep playing hoping things will turn around for me. Every time I lose but the next drawing I throw in another dollar hoping everything will turn around. It's practically the only thing I look forward to, sadly. I'm not gonna lie after several years on SSRI's and SNRI's I can confidently say they are all bullshit. They either turned me into a Bipolar maniac or didn't work at all. Cannabis actually was the only thing I really found to cure depression (for me).

I know what you mean man. I literally have no one to talk to; I talk to myself. I want to die, gravely. I doubt if I'm inspiring at all, but I DO feel your pain...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

i'm on the verge of a panic attack because all i have to do is fall asleep and tomorrow i get to pick up 240 30mg oxycodone pills then i think about my life and it's kinda sad that this is what i have to look forward too

I'm sure if you're getting prescribed pain killers, you are probably in legitimate pain.

Also, it's important to remember that it's not really you looking forward to the drugs themselves, you're looking forward to feeling good about yourself, and not feeling pain.

There's many things in this world that help you feel great about yourself, and drugs don't have to be the only thing. Exercise, meditation, friends/family, having sex, video games, reading/writing, listening to and/or making music, watching movies, all can be extremely rewarding activities that make you feel great about yourself.

I think the point in life is to balance all of these things that make you feel good so that you have a nice healthy balance of things to look forward to.

If you need help finding other things to get excited about in life, and are afraid that drugs seem to be the only thing, then feel free to ask for help. I find going on a walk while listening to some music on headphones to be an amazing start to finding something equally as rewarding.

When I was struggling the hardest with heroin addiction, it really did seem that all I had to look forward to was heroin. However, that's just what drug addiction does; it skews your ability to get pleasure out of regular life things that aren't drug-related. Other hard drugs can do the same thing, so it's important to remember not to let a drug reduce your enjoyment of other life activities - and this can be a hard thing to balance.

 

[god_made_a_mistake]

i want to die,i cant be with you,i feel like this is the only way to be happy.im so sorry and i fuking love u always have always will.

 

[herbavore]

The pain of rejection or loss or just change in a relationship with someone you deeply love is excruciating but you need to do whatever you can to change the thinking that there will be no happiness without that person. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns. Hang on while the pain subsides enough to get yourself back into the world and know that the ability to love is a lifelong process. Concentrate on loving you for a while.I'm sorry that you are feeling this pain.

 

[god_made_a_mistake]

i can totally c wht ur saying,its jus so fuckin hard sumtimes iv bin in love with r since i met her,it hurts a lot,wht makes it worse is that shes my best freind in the whole world,she noes how i feel,and jus said that "ummm maybe one day in the furture" but then goes and tells me all about her new b.f,makes me feel like utter shite,thanks for ur concern it means alot,

 

[ad lib]

i can totally c wht ur saying,its jus so fuckin hard sumtimes iv bin in love with r since i met her,it hurts a lot,wht makes it worse is that shes my best freind in the whole world,she noes how i feel,and jus said that "ummm maybe one day in the furture" but then goes and tells me all about her new b.f,makes me feel like utter shite,thanks for ur concern it means alot,

I know it's hard. Like Herbavore said, love is excruciating. Even worse is unrequited feelings. Love has the ability to make us feel the best of the best and the worst of the worst.

How long have you known this girl? I think that by her talking about her new guy to you knowing how badly that makes you feel is mean. If she had concern for your feelings she would be with you still and certainly not talk about the new guy to you. What I suggest you do is cut off all forms of communication with her. Telephone, social media, email, etc. It will be hard. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. But it's what needs to be done in order to move on. And who knows, maybe by doing that she will realize what a great guy she lost, miss you, and come back to you. But if she does that, just make sure you are the only one she is seeing.

Try not to let other people control your feelings. I KNOW this is easier said than done. Trust me. I have been where you are before. But never let anyone make you feel a way that you did not intend to feel when you woke up that morning. She is not worth losing your life over. Even though you care about and love her, you may need to just let it go and hope she comes back to you.

xx

 

[dozystrelok]

Oh wow, I'm so glad you're still alive! I'm assuming this was a motorcycle/automobile accident?

I had to do physical rehabilitation for my arm, which was painful in itself but what you went through sounds at least a hundred times more painful.

The only good advice I can think of, is to know that the pain will go away one day, and you'll feel better once it's all said and done. Take life at your own pace. You can always PM me if you would like as well.

actually it was at home.. I was half asleep when it happened, the agonizing pain and complete adrenaline RUSH woke me up in less than a split second tho. I feel better sometimes when the drugs kick in, but as someone touched on above, getting oblivious to the world doesn't substitute a healthy enjoyable lifestyle.. at all. but it's all I have for now! I've found that since the incident, nobody really talks to me, I've lost so many "friends" and I find I have a lot more time on my hands to wonder if I'm ever going to enjoy any of it again. People take advantage of me (my father taxes 423 dollars a f/n for "fuel and bills" to take me to physio I absolutely loathe going to, because it's agonizing) and I find I often wish I could just.. maintain the illusion of being normal. that would be enough. but instead of that I'm looked at as a terminally ill person who can barely function (which has intensified since I was first just diagnosed with clinical depression) that is sub-human and unable to do anything for himself. makes going the day without trying to hack my head off with a sharp instrument that bit more difficult, like nobody could ever understand, bar those who have themselves been badly burnt and have gone through multiple degrees of hell watching their body die and get cut pasted and stitched back together from a bloody, blistered, flesh dripping mess. I do often think I will soon finish the job, and end this pitiful existence, but not because of the burns or even really the "depression", but because I'm no longer treated like a human being, and am stared at every day by ignorant people. I was a good looking 20 year old who had no real problem convincing a female I was on as high a pedestal as she, but now I've found I've most likely lost any romantic aspects of my life for good, which is just one of the many small things I'm now unable to do.. Finding someone to love and who will return the favour is a bit further down the list, below walking outside and not getting stared at or asked "what in the fuck happened" to me. In a rational world, people would be amazed and happy I'm alive, not examine my faults and differences. You don't ask why it happened or how I feel about it, you'd ask "how" it was possible and thank god (or something to that extent) that I'm still able to exist in this mortal realm. But I guess people don't even think of the possibility of death or how theyd react until you're already under the ground. Maybe I'll leave a note cussing out everyone for being soulless and inhuman for treating me like this premature corpse instead of appreciating the moments they did have with me when it's clearly a miracle I'm alive.. maybe that would drill the point home. until then, I'm going to get so utterly smacked out I can't feel emotions. /rant, lol :/

 

[god_made_a_mistake]

I know it's hard. Like Herbavore said, love is excruciating. Even worse is unrequited feelings. Love has the ability to make us feel the best of the best and the worst of the worst.

How long have you known this girl? I think that by her talking about her new guy to you knowing how badly that makes you feel is mean. If she had concern for your feelings she would be with you still and certainly not talk about the new guy to you. What I suggest you do is cut off all forms of communication with her. Telephone, social media, email, etc. It will be hard. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. But it's what needs to be done in order to move on. And who knows, maybe by doing that she will realize what a great guy she lost, miss you, and come back to you. But if she does that, just make sure you are the only one she is seeing.

Try not to let other people control your feelings. I KNOW this is easier said than done. Trust me. I have been where you are before. But never let anyone make you feel a way that you did not intend to feel when you woke up that morning. She is not worth losing your life over. Even though you care about and love her, you may need to just let it go and hope she comes back to you.

xx

iv known her for abt 7 years,we r very close,i think it wud be best to cut her out of my life for good,but its gunna be painfully hard,shes my soul mate,the one and only.thnks for being there for me means a lot.x

 

[Abject]

I am soooooo fucking sick of this
I have had enough

 

[mrflowers00]

if i could get someone else to kill me it may make it easier for my family to grieve

 

[vibrancy3]

Well i cannot say i have not had my dark-sides and the idea [forever/alone conversations] has struck my mind after hanging with the dregs of society types. But i think some people use or have used the excuse to try win someone over after assuming they play with the heart(s) of people.

Suicide is a serious issue. And people who are serious about topping themselves should look at the bigger picture in life, family and friends. And get support and help from there peers and loved ones.

 

[herbavore]

^I think sometimes it just helps to say it and what better place than here? Getting support and looking at the bigger picture is good, sound advice but I think it can be a release to be able to talk about the feelings to people that are not actually your family or IRL friends by virtue of the fact that they will not be personally distraught or needing to "fix" you.

I sometimes think of this thread as a safe room where you can just come in and shout this one feeling with abandon. That in itself can be healing.

 

[vibrancy3]

That in itself can be healing.

Cheers Herbavore, I know i am lounging, but i not here to be e-fixed. I am here to try help out 2 and offer sound advice. Shamefully a few people took me for a mug. But i am trying to live my life and fit into society in my own time outside of the virtual world i am enjoying.

Like everyone else through, i have problems. I am not afraid to admit that.