Its gettin' bad

[n3ophy7e]

well, its been approximately 3 years and 2 months since I started this thread. I am now one year clean from all drugs and alcohol (completely abstinent). I am also approximately 9 months off the cigarettes.

It has taken a lot of effort, pain and change but I finally feel okay in my own skin and all the shit that was experienced was all preparing me for this point in time. This moment and this moment alone.

You are amazing OD, you are truely an inspiration to us all

 

[Ixchellian]

You are amazing OD, you are truely an inspiration to us all

he is quite the beast, eh?

I gotta say, he lives up to the legend well.

 

[OverDone]

Thanks, guys :D

TBH, trying to keep track of clean-time was counter-productive.... depressingly so.

I can relate to this completely. The reason I am well aware of my clean date is because I told myself that if I couldn't put together three days in a row then i would go back into treatment. I was counting the hours during those three days. It was painful but i kept telling myself 'just do another hour'. Soon enough 5 hours turned into 9, 9 hours turned into 19 and 19 hours turned into 72.

Shortly after, I stopped counting. I knew when an anniversary was approaching but I never really counted the exact elapsed days unless I was feeling self-hatred or sensed I was setting myself up for failure. On those days I would count how many days had passed and realize how much I had accomplished and how much I had changed in that short time period. It kept me grounded and restored me to some sort of non-hateful perspective.

The cigarettes... I have no idea what my quit date was and no longer care. I estimate that it was three months after i got clean.

The end result is that I now have a life worth living regardless of the temporary pains and temporary feelings that come out of nowhere. I never want to feel like that again. The reality of the matter is that I don't have to unless I choose to. Its all up to me. Face life and its curve balls of pain or stick a spike in my arm and return to familiar suffering that becomes progressively worse in a short period of time.

I'm still a fucked up dude. For instance... today I simply just wanted to hurt someone. Unnecessary, unprovoked violence was at the forefront of my thinking. Those thoughts don't matter, though, its what I do with the thoughts that matter. I no longer have to act on every single thing that enters my brain. I recognize that I was hurting so I wanted to hurt others to make myself feel better. It just doesn't work like that, though. What does work is recognizing and accepting that results (or in this case, consequences) can't be planned. My fantasies of how things will turn out are quite different from the simple realities.

eh... there's so much to be grateful for and most of the time I just discount it and choose to feel miserable. Like dude said one day 'Pain is mandatory. Suffering is optional.' I've found those words to be true

 

[Ixchellian]

.... or......

"pain is just weakness leaving the body."

 

[Asclepius]

well, its been approximately 3 years and 2 months since I started this thread. I am now one year clean from all drugs and alcohol (completely abstinent). I am also approximately 9 months off the cigarettes.

It has taken a lot of effort, pain and change but I finally feel okay in my own skin and all the shit that was experienced was all preparing me for this point in time. This moment and this moment alone.

As I read through this thread, I see so many changes.


All-in-all I'm getting there and I now have a life that is worth living. I feel a wide range of emotions and even the uncomfortable ones are in my best interest.

This is phenomenal- so good to see a Thread go in this direction! :D To reiterate , you are an inspiration Indeed OD. So happy for you man, you have put in alot into getting where you are...keep doing what your doing!

 

[effie]

OverDone, I sat down and read all the way through this thread - I know it has been said, but huge extra-massive wonderful congratulations! This is an epic story, excellent work!! :D

Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect, who is? Who would want to be, for that matter? We are all a work in progress, but you've made more progress than most and you should be extremely proud of yourself.

Plus you're a smod now! Hehe :D

 

[Ixchellian]

...... Plus you're a smod now! Hehe :D

just wait until he gets to swing the ban-hammer. it'll be awesome

 

[Kipo]

Shit man, i can't relate to owing anyone. But I know how stressful addiction can be. My advice to you, stop doing that shit. As hypocritical as it sounds (since I cant seem to do the same) its really the best thing to do.

 

[HeWhoHowls]

just wait until he gets to swing the ban-hammer. it'll be awesome

Something like this...

NSFW:

 

[Ixchellian]

very much so.

or like this. with less hair.

NSFW:

but I think this is all he has to do..... normally.

NSFW:

just don't aggravate his hulk-quotient.

 

[baher]

wow, this is a old thread but nonetheless very intense and I can relate to this situation 100%. Since this thread is so old I don't know your current status on the substance and how you're doing but I hope everything is well and you took care of that situation you got yourself into. Trust me, I was addicted to OxyCotin basically H but in a pill form and a lot more expensive. I would smoke it on foil and after a year of doing around 500mgs a day of OC the withdrawals were just terrible. I went through the stage of stealing from my parents, pawning off everything of value, and asking for fronts from friends and family just to support my drug problem. The only reason why I sent myself to a rehab was due to the fact that everyone I got into the substance with either ended up in rehab, jail, or started using H because OxyCotin just got too expensive. Honestly, just to answer the question as if I was helping you with the problem now...it's all about inner strength and wither or not you truly want to quit. I remember the first 2 weeks getting off OxyCotin were the worst two weeks of my life, PHYSICALLY. I would not wish that type of pain onto my worst enemy(I don't have any enemies though) however if I did, I wouldn't want them to even go through the physical withdrawals. The hardest part of quitting a substance is never going back to it again. We know how bad it is for us, we know where the rabbit hole leads yet we have the fight the temptation everyday due to the fact that we now know how incredibly amazing the high feels. This quote helped me a lot during my time of kicking the habit, "out of sight, out of mind." I disconnected myself from ANYONE who used, didn't allow myself to be around the substance and kept headstrong because I valued my life more than a drug. With my personal touch to the quote, I added "out of sight, out of mind...just another ex-girlfriend." Meaning, yeah of course you will relapse a couple of times, and want to call her(get high) when breaking up...but if you really stop and think about it you realize that things will never be the same and you can never go back to her. She didn't work out for a reason and ruined your life. out of sight out of mind, just another ex girlfriend.

 

[baher]

Damn, that was legit dxmmonster. That is straight experience in the area of his problem and I agree with you when you said that rehab is the way to go, and it'll get him off his back for awhile. LOL desoxyn, and adderrall work well as substitutes to ease the withdrawals.

 

[OverDone]

Hehe... I have 18 months of complete abstinence under my belt today!

So many much needed changes have taken place.

I'm comfortable again in my home back in Colorado.
I have a successful side business.
I'm surrounded by those who generally care for me.
I feel good in my own skin.
Fuck, I'm actually respected! (who woulda thunk?)

I've decided to go back on antidepressants (not Paxil). My therapist from rehab in 2009 said that she knew I would do well regardng my recovery. Her concern was in regards to my acceptance regarding my mental health challenges. She was right. I tried everything else prior to this decision and now I simply accept that it is what it is.

Life is generally good and peaceful. I've had instances of horrible thoughts and feelings since I got clean but they are all new so I simply accept them (and kinda welcome them, actually). These are all new thoughts and feelings so I'm cool with it to a degree. I have no interest in being that person I once was so 'new' is good

Thanks for being here for me, guys.

 

[n3ophy7e]

OverDone you continue to be a huge inspiration for me and a lot of other people on this site. You have come a long way and I am so proud of your achievements in the last 18 months. Keep up the good work!!

 

[villian]

Keep on keeping on OD, you are doing great!

 

[ihatepipes]

Juat rat on your mate and then you have him outa the way and don't have to pay him squat. He wouldn't know it was you if you got into contact with someone anonymously.

You are scum. JUST RAT ON YOUR MATE!?!?!?!? Are you seriously telling the OP to snitch on his FRIEND who has already died by the way (the key word is friend)?

Karma is a bitch and wishing something negative on someone else is pretty much the same as wishing something negative on yourself. I hope you were joking.

I really really hope you were joking, or so fucked out of your mind that you don't even remember posting this. 8)

To the OP: congratulations on achieving a goal so many people strive to achieve but cannot for whatever reason. I hope you are able to continue your sobriety, and that your life continues to head in a positive direction.

 

[Mariposa]

Hehe... I have 18 months of complete abstinence under my belt today!

So many much needed changes have taken place.

I'm comfortable again in my home back in Colorado.
I have a successful side business.
I'm surrounded by those who generally care for me.
I feel good in my own skin.
Fuck, I'm actually respected! (who woulda thunk?)

I've decided to go back on antidepressants (not Paxil). My therapist from rehab in 2009 said that she knew I would do well regardng my recovery. Her concern was in regards to my acceptance regarding my mental health challenges. She was right. I tried everything else prior to this decision and now I simply accept that it is what it is.

Life is generally good and peaceful. I've had instances of horrible thoughts and feelings since I got clean but they are all new so I simply accept them (and kinda welcome them, actually). These are all new thoughts and feelings so I'm cool with it to a degree. I have no interest in being that person I once was so 'new' is good

Thanks for being here for me, guys.

WellDone (my nick for OverDone): wow! Please do not ever deny yourself your achievements. Be proud. Affirmations are no BS. Yet do not lose your own thoughts as to others' platitudes. You are an educated and intelligent person who is capable of making up his own mind. I am pulling for you, many others must be - it is through true confidence and difficult work on ourselves that we are able to regain our consciousness aside from alcohol.

18 months - what is the preference on the cake you would like? Can't promise to deliver it save in spirit, can promise to communicate and support you emotionally. 18 months away from this poison is admirable, so Happy 1 1/2 Birthday with much affirmation.

Today, I will concentrate on being my own best friend.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

What an amazing read O.P...You are an inspiration!!! Thanks for sharing that part of your life...Just amazing..:D

 

[OverDone]

I'm really grateful for you guys here in TDS. The crazy shit that goes on in my head at times gets reeled into a more balanced perspective through your input.

Doing the 12 Step thing has been huge in helping me practice developing qualities that are positive. I have an amazing sponsor and, get this... I'm sponsoring five other guys and the benefits from that are HUGE. They have no idea how much I get from them through this symbiotic relationship.

Tomorrow is my psych eval. The past year I've been seeking alternative solutions to a problem that can't be fixed through alternative solutions. I'm really looking forward to getting this brain on point again

 

[OverDone]

Two Years Later...

hehe... life is good. Today I have exactly two years of complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol and I notice growth. Of course growth doesn't come without pain but we get through it and learn from that pain.

I've acquired some "things" and "stuff" but all that shit is irrelevant. I'm still me without the shiny shit and it can go away at any time and I'll still be okay with me.

To date, during this time frame, I've had a bunch of jobs and a fiance. The fiance is gone and I can tell I'm different because I have no resentments regarding that particular relationship. I've never left a relationship without feeling a bit salty so this is huge for me.

The most amazing thing that has happened since I got clean is that I have entered the field that I always wanted to be in. I work in a treatment center as a nurse's aide! That's not the best part though... after two months of working there they asked me to interview for their Counselor In Training program. I'm floored... this is what I've wanted to do for a LONG time and now I can become a Certified Addictions Counselor without paying for it! I haven't been accepted into the program yet but, I figure it'll happen some day. I couldn't be any happier.

This shit was hard in the beginning (real fucking hard) but it got easier. I learned that I can't change life's realities but I can most certainly change my perspective. Now I have a life worth living and I never would have imagined such a possibility.

Thanks for being there for me, guys. Fuck... your support has been critical in getting me to this life that I can finally participate in.