*the email I emailed my friend, after what now looks like a huge hit of around 100-150 mg of 5meo-dmt*:
About when I did DMT (I was told it was DMT but now know it was 5meo-nn-DMT,) last night, bare with me, trying to explain this is going to be pointless and will only make myself sound foolish, and totally cheesy, but I'll try anyway, maybe you will find it interesting or a laugh or maybe it will bore you. But the best thing you can do is do it yourself, properly:
I don’t think you can do too much. You just do enough to break your head. It’s either broken or not broken, there is no in between. If there is an in between then it’s just your ‘non-broken head’ being a bit trippy.
One long deep inhalation
'Control alt delete exit programme', ~ head breaks open. flipped into an ever changingness, slotted in between vibrations/buzzing/pressure that I was aware off a split second after smoking it (a millisecond just after the pipe morphed) and it was like the buzzing and vibrating made me slip down the crack of a maths answer where it just keeps flipping on for ever. The glitch, the ratio that can’t be held. No order or rhythm.
It was complete annihilation, fast and constantly changing so I had no reference points or anything to hold on to. Annihilation, new awareness/thinking, annihilation, new awareness thinking, annihilation, again and again and so fast that it can’t be processed. Flipping into ever modifying novelty. It feels like a glitch in the universe, that can’t be nailed down. Or the place you go to when you truly ‘let go’ and no longer know yourself.
I could be reasoned into believing (the logic fits) that this is what it will be like when you pop your clogs and exit this reality as DMT is just an exit from reality anyway and when you exit, there is no solid reality, it’s a morphing of all possible realities all the time and it wants to show you all these possible realities and combinations. It isn't all nice and mystical and religious, it’s just relentless and it strips you down until there is nothing and it doesn't matter.
If you were to ask: ‘okay you feel like you exited this reality, so where did you go, what the new reality was like? ’I would answer: It wasn’t specifically a new reality, it was every idea of every possible type of realities and combinations, flipping in and out. It’s like when this familiar/stable reality, which we are all used to, is removed, then it has to go into a ‘save mode’ or ‘sleep mode’ or ‘back up mode’, an alternative, which is unstable and is a bubbling of all possible outcomes and combinations.
It feels like there is machinery in the speed of it, it didn’t let my emotions (at the beginning, when I still had them) catch up. It’s like this is just how it is, forget about emotions and concepts, vantage points and references. Existence is everything, all the time, every possible ‘idea’ and nothing, happening all at the same time in different combinations, it’s like this is obvious, this is everything, there can be no other way, there is no answer because there can’t be a question and it is like it shows you this all at the same time. A massive flash, of infinite possibilities, with no structure or order, in infinite combinations. In the end ‘you’ are not even there so you can’t even hold on to a memory of what it was like.
All you have is some visions and feelings that were echoed to you before you disappeared, just as you are returning. But you can’t put them into words.
It was like my head was a TV and someone were flipping the channels over, but the bastard was doing it too quick and I couldn't quite process what was on. Just when I thought, I could recognise something or have something to grasp the fucker would flip the channel over again.
When I realised there is going to be nothing to hold on to, I remember quickly thinking 'I am scared', (or more like ‘’I am sc…’’) but just before I could end that thought there was no 'I' any more. It was like because I thought of it (the 'I', the ‘self’ the ‘ego’ or whatever you want to call it) it was wiped away, as the new channel that was flipped into had no concept of the 'I' and emotion. ~and that goes for everything. All concepts ended, but not at the same time, some would flip back on, (I think), it was like it needed to experience all possible combinations, at all possible times. Nothing could be nailed down.
Remember this all happened in a flash ~ if a ‘thought’ or anything with which I could focus on 'happened' it was instantly wiped away, because ‘it’ changed so that that ‘thought’ or reference point didn't exit or have any relevance any more, in this new way of looking/thinking (for that moment, in relation to all the other concepts/realities/aesthetics/reference points that where flipping on and off, in that single moment of the many, brief moments), rendering any references and concepts meaningless and description impossible/pointless.
The goal posts kept changing. It flipped and changed so fast, as fast as you could click your fingers, 'click, click, click, click, click, click...' drowning/falling/flipping with nothing to hold on to.
Visually: Pipe morphed, everything vibrated and folded in on itself, reality broke down or swallowed itself, then visions happened (that were only a split second long but getting faster and faster) like a Mandelbrot pattern, zooming into it while pulling out at the same time, then almost just before I got my head round that vision, it flipped into binary, then just as I saw that it flipped into a texture, then just as I saw that, it flipped into something else, then something strange happened, for a split second I think I saw something, it felt alien, it startled me even more than the rest (maybe it was me being briefly aware of the room again, which look unreal), then it just flipped into a feeling or something less concrete, then I zoomed through that and the concept of ‘vision’ didn’t exist anymore and everything was happening to fast and I stopped being journalistic, it went abstract and then I stopped being ‘I’.
So first it went totally weird, then alien then nothing could be nailed down, then there was no ‘I’ to nail it down to anyway. I lost myself; I went to the end point. Maybe I did too much or let myself zoom to the ‘end’ (the end being the ego dissolving into nothing) too quickly, without checking the journey out in between, if that is at all possible. I don’t know.
No emotions or enlightenment or feeling of love etc like if I had taken a drug, nothing like that, no, this isn't a drug, it’s just a 'exit program button'.
When it suddenly ended, I thought – and the room can back into view - ‘oh, hold on a reference point, I suppose that’s nice, but it doesn’t matter, but wasn’t I searching for one of them (reference points) before? Hold on there is an ‘I’, hold on I can feel, hold on what the fuck! What the fuck! What the fuck just happened?!’’
There is no way to prepare for this.
the only ‘fun’ part was the millisecond just before destruction where I looked at the pipe and it changed in front of my eyes with a sound of cellophane wrapping crunching in an alien tinny, echo way (like machinery starting up) ‘’crack, crunch, crunch’ and a thought flashed in me ‘oh its changed, no wait its doesn't stop changing, every things changing, oh my …!'' (just as reality folds in on itself) then all reference points, language is lost or render useless, ~ fear and a wish to hold on to something, ~ then a feeling of returning, going back to the beginning ~ then a total ego death (sleep mode/running with/in/are it) ~ then an echo of that previous wish for something to hold on to and my body jerked ~ and I became aware of it ~ and then I was back. Eyes opened. It took a few moments for this concept of reality to sink in (or maybe I was waiting for it to flip again and I had long given up on trying to process all this information/realities or maybe I had just given up and wasn’t ready to ‘start up’ again), then click! I was back as I realised where I was, brain had kicked back in, I was/I had an ego/existed again, system rebooted or whatever... Did something just happen? Too fast to process.
At the start it didn't quite feel like I was leaving my body, more like I was totally destroyed and moving at an increasing speed. However when I came back it did feel like I bumped back into my body, like when an air-plane touches down, with a quick jerky, bad-dump dump! Sudden! Crazy!
All this happened in 5 minutes or longer, or less, I’m not sure, I don’t know. A flash, where in that flash, time ended.
I did this while quite drunk (I didn’t plan on getting that drunk but I was nervous). I will try this again and maybe I will be able to nail some of it down, but I will only be able to nail ‘things’ down in the transitional period ie just before the beginning and just as it ends. There’s no language for the rest as it is completely alien and therefore nothing to us.
But seeing that pipe change was the maddest thing that has ever happened to me and the rest that followed was really just unmentionable.
It was all too fast, what a ride!
quite fitting really that I first did this on Guy Fawkes night (UK version of 4th July) with the fireworks and bone-fires outside reflecting the inside of my skull
You have to try it!
I tried it again 20 minutes later, (they say don’t as it doesn't work ~ you have to wait an hour) it didn't work. All that happened was my vision started vibrating like it was really trying to flip out - not unlike that shit movie the butterfly effect, where when he concentrates and changes the future and it vibrates until it’s all a blur, it was doing that but not quite making it all the way. That was fun, because I felt like I had some control there, but that was nothing, like looking over the edge but not jumping.
I really should buy a scale. I eye balled it and after reseaching it some, it looked like it could have been about 100-150 mgs, it looked about half the amount in the link below that I put in my 'pipe' and I reckon I inhaled 90% of it.
My friend said it was dmt and was enough for two good hits, 80 English pounds, (it looked the same as the link below), I have no pipe, so I halved it and put it in a foil bowl with a big foil tube (I had a past history [4-5 year addiction] of smoking heroin on foil, and also a history [10-12 month daily habit] of smoking yah-bah (meth-amphetamine pills) like this when I lived in Bangkok, so am expert in frazzing power on foil and inhaling it. I remember it burning great and then talking one huge long inhalation and my lungs didn't even get completely full, and then I was just gone:
5-MeO-DMT Powder
Nice color photo of a 200 mg of 5-MeO-DMT next to a metric ruler for size comparison.
Photo by Anonymous Photographer. © 2003 Erowid.org:
http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/show.../5meo_dmt3.jpg
