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What's wrong with me? Am I depressed?

I tnd to agree with the direction the posts towards the end have taken.
I think most people reach a point in there life when they realise things aren't as fun as they used to be, things aren't as good as they were before.
if you've recently stopped taking drugs this may have been a trigger for you to start having these kind of thoughts - you evidently stopped for a reason. That reason may be that you weren't getting the same enjoyment out of it, you found you were overdoing it, or perhaps even that you decided that you would simply enjoy life more without it.
Whatever the case, you need to to focus on yourself. Get yourself healthy, and find something you're passionate about. While this is easier said than done (I've been looking for something I'm passionate about for the past 4 years since I finished university), I think that it definately helps. Not having as much fun can simply be a case of boredom, and not being motivated enough to get out of the rutt.
Also if you are feeling side effects of overdoing the drugs, this can effect your mood alot. Honestly, give yourself a good 3 months (without knowing you're history), and you'll start to notice a difference. I can speak from personal experience that - I didn't realise how much I was effected until I was forced to take a break for 6 months. Soon I started to have the motivation to learn, to read and to explore new things.
Give yourself some time, you'll get there. Keep an eye on yourself, and try new things (un-drug related things!) when you get the opportunity. It all helps!
 
guys, thanks alot for the replies.
i'm so surprised how slow the dark side board moves... my post has been up here forever.
I'll give you a little update on things.
So i've been starting to exercise every morning... i jog and then go to the gym to workout. It doesn't cure anything, but it definitely distracts me from it, that's good enough for me. I've been doing this for about 2 weeks. I'm in college... and getting up at 6:30 every morning is hard enough when you go to bed past midnight so i manage to catch some sleep during the day.
And about sleep... i discovered that the MORE i sleep... the worse i feel. Anyone know why?? I'm totally capable of laying down and sleeping for 14 hours.. but when i wake up, i feel like shit for the rest of the day. So thanks to the exercise and work and college life... i now have no more time to sleep. Which seems to make me feel better... wierd.
Anyway... now that i think about it... i was going to write something positive here that i'm definitely better but i just realized right now... sitting here... that's its still the same. My visuals are still the same... i'm still medicine-heady... but i've been able to distract myself until i started thinking about it RIGHT NOW =(.
Ok...
Anyway... i thought of a new theory. I think alot of this relates to the weather.... this all started about when winter was coming. It seems that when i wake up and we're having a HOT day where it feels like summer... i feel 10 times better. I think the season has alot to do with it.. and the weather. I've never had this problem before... maybe it's something i created by doing too much X?
That's all i can think of for now... i'm staying off all forms of drugs until i can clear this up. I can't stay away from beer though... it's just way too important in my life right now =)
Skim.
 
Just a random idea: Do some research into SAD (Seasonally Affected Disorder) IIRC. This is a depressive condition related to the amount of sunlight (UV) you are exposed to. I have no idea if this is even relevant, but have a look anyway, it's something to fill the time eh? ;)
Secondly: Try not to sleep _too_ much, recent research suggests that people who sleep for more than 8 hours a day have a shorter life span than people who sleep for 8 or less. Plus, personally I have noted that sleeping too much makes me actually feel more tired and lethargic.
[Edit to add link]
This link contains some technical info about SAD, but the symptoms described seem very generic.
http://www.priory.com/psych/SAD.htm
[ 24 February 2002: Message edited by: BabbleFan ]
 
Well here is my thoughts on the situaion....
First of all its entirely possible that you have some sort of seasonal disorder..however thats prolly not the only thing going on here...
first just make sure you get out in the sunlight as much as possible...seasonal disorder really is due to the amount of sunlight you do or dont get in a day, so even if its cold, just make sure you get out in the sunlight, you'll feel better.
secondly.... are you seeing spots?
stare at a white wall for a second and see if you see a bunch of spots.
I konw when i got off my e binge, i was seeing spots everywhere, was totally unaffected or unmoved by anything. i didnt feel happy and i often just felt numb to about everything...and for me, when id be talking to people like a professor at an event or something, sometimes id feel so disconnected and sort of just watch him talk and just kinda smile and nodd because what he was saying would just pass right through me, i wouldnt really follow it well....anyways that was just me i think.
maybe a medical person can answer the question but i recall posting about this a few years ago and there is actually a name for what i had and what you might have. i forget exactly what it is tho...but i know it had to do with seeing spots and being depressed.
the only thing i have to offer is to try to work yourself out of it and to give it more time. for me it took a good two or three months before i BEGAN to feel normal, and it was only at times at the beginning....i think you'll notice that with the spring coming soon and with the time gone bye you'll start feeling better, more active, more alive....
hope that helps...
:) ;) :)
 
Ok,
I'm not going to try to add any new advice (sorry), just attempt to dispell some of the truly moronic things that have been said thus far:
Originally posted by Digitalis:
"get into a really dangerous situation e.g. car accident, fight, etc. Well thats all I can suggest..."
Great idea man, try lying underneath a truck or shooting yourself, that might really help you get your life back together....
Originally posted by High Man
"Smoke weed, trip sometimes, and all will be well. If you were happy on drugs, and now your unhappy without them, and your unhappy with alcohol yet you were happy with drugs occasionally, whats that tell you??? Stop the drinking and smoke the weed man! You'll be much happier I bet. And quit the drinking. Alcohol is BAD!!!"
You can't fault that logic.....
Originally posted by rufisdickler:
"DO NOT GO ON anti-depressants drugs will not fix your problem my friend.... half of america seem to be on anti-depressants... this is your solution..?"
Contrary to (semi) popular belief anti-depressents aren't evil, and actually can and do dramatically help people. I admit they are way too overprescribed, but you sound genuinely depressed, don't discount them as an option. Talk about it with your doc/therapist - you won't be forced on them.
Sorry, don't want to sound like an asshole, but imo misinformation is as bad as the correct information is good....
 
I lost absolutely all my sexual drive. I use to be so horny, just a girl looking at me and holding me would get me going and craving... now... i don't feel anything. I was at a party last night and had 2 different times when a girl showed me interest and we danced, chilled together, and talked. I only made out with them because that's what i'm suppose to do... i didn't feel anything when we did. i didn't evne want to, they initiated. I didn't even want to take it anywhere further. I've lost my sexual drive for a while now.
Ive been there. Stay off the drugs a lot longer. BELIEVE ME, IT WILL COME BACK, and when it does, u better have a beautiful woman at ur side! It might take a long, long time, but it WILL come back [if ur human ;) ]
Click to expand...
 
Well, this is the first time I have read this post and it really worries me. Skim, you have put in to words exactly how I have been feeling for a while. I really do think this is related to ecstacy, although I'm not entirely sure. The thing that I find most stressful about this mental condition is that if I am having a phone conversation with someone, I have to really concentrate on what they are saying - only because I'm afraid that I'll be sat there with nothing to say back to them and that I'll have no idea what they're going on about. I'm obsessed with being different to others, and I too worry about everything all the time. I also find myself worried about how I'm perceived, and I find that this stops me from being able to properly talk to people - I think about things carefully before they leave my mouth.
However, my condition has improved very slightly in the last two weeks. Have you ever taken 5-HTP? (apologies if you have because this will be no help). My problems have not completely cleared up since taking it but my concentration has improved immeasurably and I feel a lot more 'normal'. I still feel a bit like an over-contemplative zombie stuck in the world of the living, but it is improving. Please give this a try if you haven't already and all the best of luck. I don't usually say things like this, but you really are among friends and you should use that as a comfort.
Also, do you find that it is much easier to communicate with people in Bluelight than those in the outside world? At the start, when I first started getting these problems, I was convinced that ecstacy had given me a new mindset and that this made communication with people who weren't enlightened (where e was concerned) was more or less pointless, or frustrating. This was not to say that I was looking down on them, but instead ended up feeling like I was in some way inferior to them.
Nowadays this feeling remains but I don't think it is the new mindset, I just think my head was fucked. Anyway, please let us know how you get on, and good luck!
[ 27 February 2002: Message edited by: LOVING IT! ]
 
The seasonal disorder thing might be a huge possibility... but the wierd thing is i don't remember it happening before.
Maybe it's because i've been a lifeguard for the past 2 years during the summers... so i get tons of UVs during the summer (8-10 hours of sun a day) and then during offseason i have to adapt to a huge change where i sit inside mostly. Any lifeguards out there that have felt this??
I'm almost convinced that PART of the cloudy feeling I get when I feel really lethargic and murky might be a season/weather thing. It's also from too much sleep sometimes. But that doesn't make the "other" feelings go away. Like the effect my eyes give me or my mojo or anything like that. And just everything being murky. I've noticed that time is flying SOOOOO fast lately. I feel like i'm going to be 90 years old in a week. The weeks pass by so fast that it's just gotten to a point where i'm not even afraid of long-assignments anymore because i know that after i'm done with them... i won't even REMEMBER doing it!
That kind of memory is still messed up with me, my short term memory was always amazing. My long term memory has been destroyed... maybe that's why i can't remember any experiences anymore.
About the person who asked me if i see spots... now that i think about it... i'm not even sure. I'm staring at a wall right now..... I see those little "floaty" things in my eye but i've always had those (dead cells or something). I do have more than usual now... unless i never noticed it =).
And the spots.... I don't see actual black spots. I do get a trippy visual though... like when you're doing acid and you close your eyes. All you see is mosaics of colors. I get that a LITTTTTLE bit. Again... i might have always been like that I don't remember. It may have always been with me... it's nothing extreme right now. Wall isn't melting or nothing. But everything does seem to "pulse" with color or shade or something. Not like a heartbeat pulse.... like a trippy acid visual pulse. Can't explain it. =\
My deal is that I still feel like that "zombie" everyone talks about.
In reply to "LOVING IT!", I feel exactly like you do. I mean... i've always been really self conscious and do thing alot before I say something... I'm even more right now. But that may be only because i'm thinking about my problems too much lately. But i do'nt do it to a point where it makes me look stupid (that would lead to more self conscious thinking). I do talk to people that do drugs more easily... but that's only because i think that people who do drugs have this "connection" that you can't really see. I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that we've both taken an E pill and it's changed us so that we talk to each other easier.
Again.. thanks for the feedback guys... more would be appreciated =).
I might actually consider the 5HTB thing... anyone know exactly what it does... good and bad??
Thanks again.
Skim
ps- i'm talking about myself so much in this post that it feels like if i friend reads it... they'll be able to deduce that they know me =)
 
There's loads of information on 5-HTP in the ecstacy discussion forum. Most people use it as a pre/postload, but I find that it has made me feel much better on a day-to-day basis, almost to the point where I'm completely back to normal, and I'd been pilling every week for about 10 months with 2 month breaks in total (I've only been taking 5-HTP for about a week and half, and I felt the effects after only a few days). You can order it on-line, and buy it in the health shops (in the UK anyway, I'm not sure about America). You really should give it a try because even if it doesn't make you feel completely better, it should go some way as it restores seratonin levels and maintains them. This is very important after using ecstacy, obviously, as it depletes seratonin. Seratonin plays a large part in sleep, mood, appetite, the list is endless.
Anyway, good luck!
Also, if you do try the 5-HTP, let us know how you got on.
 
I have been following this thread and I guess I will put my 2 cents in.I am a long time substance
user ( sounds so much better than 'drug abuser')
and have been where you are at.I will cut to the chase and say simply that it takes a LONG time to feel 'right' again after a lengthy drug binge.Especially with something like MDMA.I can't really say that because no matter what the substance is your brain still is *used* to it
being there and simply will not operate correctly
in it's absence.I have used ( there I go with an
NA term ) for 10 years now with no more than one year at a time in abstinence.In that year I experienced what you describe here and it took
several months to reobtain my equalibrium.
Wombat~
[email protected]
 
I might consider this 5htp thing.
I live in the United States... do i need to prescribe or something? And about how much am I going to pay for this.
I'll try it for a little bit and see how it makes me feel.
 
hey skim -
5HTP is very easy to get and it is cheap. If you go to GNC, VitaminShoppe or any health/supplement store they will have it 9 times out of 10. Sometimes it is 5htp with other shit thrown in, like kava kava - so check the label. I always buy TRIMEDIC 5HTP - its the purest one I've found, but others work well also. A bottle of 30 will cost you under $15, a bottle of 60 is maybe $20 or so. I haven't rolled in a while but when I did I would take maybe 6 a day, broken into 3 separate doses. But this is all relative, depending on your body chemistry, and the milligrams of 5htp in each pill - it varies. Anyway, what 5htp does is react with Vitamin B6 which I believe turns it into 5HT, or serotonin. I may be mistaken here but I'm very sure that this is correct. But basically, it was a lifesaver for me, because I was soooooooooooo cracked out after rolls, especially if they were strong pills, and I just couldnt function. So, they do work very well. They may make you sleepy, if they do adjust the dose, or only take them at night. Anyway, I'm sure this will help, and good luck, as all things come in due time. Keep the faith and be strong!
 
I take them every night, before bed, as it helps with my problems getting to sleep.
bliss99e, did you find that the 5-HTP also helped you day-to-day? This is primarily what I've been using it for and it seems to be working a treat. I've been avoiding Prozac like the plague - prozac = no pills
 
haha woah... i wasn't going to take them just so i can start rolling again =).
I'm still staying off the pills for now... until i'm confident that I can get myself back to the way i use to be. I'd be a pissed off middle aged man if I turned 35 one day and realized that all that rolling wasn't going to ever go away.
I'm trying the 5htp to get me feeling normal again. Does anyone take it as a supplment daily? Is that safe? I'd thought it was like a once-a-day thing.
What does it say on the bottle for directions anyway?
 
loving it, i definitely did feel a difference, basically i felt in better moods when id take it. less worrying
skim - you im pretty sure you can take it daily. I would only buy it for after a roll, so once it ran out I would stop. but if you take it for a while daily, i do not think there would be any bad effects, i think you would just piss it out if you took too much.
its such a great pill, just dont take a lot so you can "be in a good mood at football practice.." i did that once and i was just really relaxed - at the worst place to be so. hahaha
 
I take wuite a small amount (the amount it suggests on the bottle) which is 100mg every night (usually 2 capsules, but check first) before I go to sleep. They make you tired as well which will help if you suffer from insomnia, but they don't knock you out - just a wee bit drowsy and relaxed. It's perfectly safe to use every day - it's only those of us on Bluelight who take it for other purposes, it's primary use is a natural alternative to other antidepressants (don't take it with them though or you could get seratonin syndrome.
Good luck with it, and I hope you see an improvement.
 
Okay Skim, try this link to see if anything strikes you as familiar:
http://www.dpselfhelp.com/
Before you do, from what I understand of these disorders (if they have any relationship to your situation) is that they are not permanent and can be cured fully. Also, there is a psychosomatic element here too - so panic and worry won't help matters. And stay away from pot for the time being.
 
I just ordered 60 capsules for 14(includes shipping and handling) bucks... good deal right?
I got it from http://www.americannutrition.com/
What do you guys think of those? It was a great deal compared to what I found everywhere else.
It doesn't make sense that they are helpful...
I would imagine that if you keep taking something on a daily basis that increase seratonin, your brain will think you are making enough so it'll lower it even more than it use to be. So when i get off the pill... i'll feel bad again. Wouldn't that be true?
I should be getting them in a couple days, i'll let you all know how i do.
 
I read your original post and it smacks even more of depersonalization. In fact someone else pointed it out in that thread pretty quickly.
www.depersonalization.net might help also.
The last thing I want to do is convince someone they have something that they may not have(especially DP). But if your investigations and medications lead you nowhere (which they might, of course) then look up depersonalization. It's also possible it may spontaneously disappear. Either way keep BL updated.
 
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