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breakcorefiend

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 22, 2011
Messages
6,015
I don't know if this counts. But out of respect for her, I want to pay my respects to a talented clandestine chemist, sovia her name was, from albania. Whilst a lot of the time, a lot of people on the clan.chem forum where sov came to rest her bee-wings, share info and shoot the shit with her fellow bees had some trouble understanding her english, for some reason I seemed to manage, 95% of the time and we'd gotten quite a connection with each other.

After being severely ill for quite some time after an accident, I found out today that sovia is dead. Killed herself on saturday.
She wasn't just a competent and talented clandestine chemist, particularly in the areas of psychedelic amphetamine and phenethylamine chemistry but
she was a talented artist was well. She took the time and effort a few days before we last spoke, to do me a sketch of the two of us in charcoal. Really great grasp of depth and perspective, and she did it especially for me. We'd gotten a connection over the time we'd known each other and I was close to telling her how I really felt about her. Now, I can't help but eat myself up inside wondering if it would have made a difference, if I'd just told her then and there (I had no idea she was planning to kill herself. Seemed a little bit down over the past few days but thats it.), I'd been picking my moment, trying to find the right time and way to tell her how I felt, if she'd only known that she was loved. Because she seemed to have a thing for me as well.

Truth told, since I found out this morning, why my last PMs to her had gone without answer, I've been able to think of nothing else. Her death, especially by her own hand, has left me heartbroken and fucking miserable. Not even the receiving of eagerly awaited shipments of some rather hard to obtain and precious chemicals and some more lab equipment, which would normally be a joyful occasion indeed, today I find out she's dead. Feel like utter, fucking, total, shit made flesh. And what would otherwise bee an occasion to celebrate, be a mirthless thing, hollow, empty and without joy. Went back to sleep, after picking up a script refill, and taking a couple of chlormethiazole and some tizanidine, only to wake up later again to find out more, that sovia's death was not caused by her serious ill health but that she took her own life.

Not even a shot of morphine&oxy, with a few lines of oxy on top has done the slightest to dull this miserable piece of theresa may of a day. She's all I can fucking think about. Everything feels hollowed out, an empty shell of what it should be.

I miss you Sov, and had grown to love you. Hope we meet on the other side whenever my own time comes. You really were a good lass, may you find peace and rest hun.
Limpit, i sometimes find your autistic ramblings difficult to digest( THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE OFFENSIVE!!! i have many autie mates n feel the same way with them)
but this has hit me, i can feel the love n sadness in your words, makes me wonder if drugs really are worth the loss (loss meaning going mad, losing sanity, overdosing, etc) and it's really resonated with me, i got engaged 31st dec and have packed the lot in bar my 85 reducing to 80mg methadone, next is nicotine ( well gunna get a vape)

but i just wanna wish you my condolences, not sure we have ever shared a word or two but feel free to pm me if you feel like it, im an ear willing to listen, anyway buddy, stay strong and as the die hard cliche says, 'time is a great healer'

plur dude
BCF
 

breakcorefiend

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 22, 2011
Messages
6,015
I just wish I knew WHY. And she didn't seem down during the last few days, if anything, she seemed to be glad of her physical recovery (after being badly hurt in a lab accident of some kind. Lost a kidney, some liver function, fucked up blood chemistry and difficulty walking, got tired very easily, after walking just a short distance.)

But she seemed like she was making a recovery, and herself, was concerned about me, after some filthy porcine cunt tampered with something of mine, and I narrowly avoided being blinded permanently, and what they did resulted in some pretty bad damage to my eye. We'd been talking, as usual. And even found out her last communication with somebody else, seemed cheerful and betrayed no clue as to what was to come. If it was parasuicide gone wrong, then I do bear responsibility for not outright declaring my feelings for her in time. I really wanted to, and was getting to the point where I was going to, via an offsite encrypted msg. But I had to be too fucking late :(
dude dont torture yourself, as much as i'd love the power we never truly know what another is thinking, don't beat yourself up, my pm offer stands,
much love bcf

edit: if anything mate, take this as a lesson to ALWAYS seize the day regardless of rejection, i feel for you buddy i really do but please don't you yourself do anything stupid, and this is from a total stranger on the net who genuinely cares for you so please, just grieve as needed and remember the fond times you chatted together <3
 

Limpet_Chicken

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 13, 2005
Messages
6,328
Location
UK
BCF-thanks mate. And yeah, she was, she was an amazing mind alright. And no offense taken. Its just the fucking curebies I can't stand. The fuckwits that slobber, slack-jawed like imbecilic frogs trying to chew bubblegum the texture of diarrhea, over the 'autism spectrum disorder' paradigm, the NTs who would see us 'cured' and made 'properly functioning' 'normal' hollowed out shells that could come to heel on command and don a mask to pass as the NT kid the parents sucked in by curebyism think they should have had (I for one, if I ever do have kids, I am REALLY hoping that my kids will be autistic or have Asperger's. Although considering that if I do date someone, they are almost invariably autistic [although I've dated some girls who were NT-total disasters in every case lol, and some who had some sort of mental retardation, but weren't autistic, although the latter I have been a lot more comfortable being with than the NTs. The MR girls weren't fucking psycho fuckups like the NT ones usually tended to be ;P, [I'm open minded, important things in my book are consent, and even more importantly, not just their consent, but their desire for a relationship, and my being able to make them happy, thats the important thing to me in such relationships, not only saying 'yeah, sure, go on then' but really having their hearts in it aligned to the same angular momentum as mine own, so to speak. Can be spin up or spin down, just never antiparallel.

As for sovia, it wasn't that she rejected me. She was, well in our fields of work OpSec is important. And, I never got to tell her about my feelings for her, she never knew. Well, she might have figured it out. I just wish she could have heard it coming from my own mouth, if that makes sense, so she would KNOW, not just strongly suspect. She was definitely sweet on me. I did return that, as much as could be, but I wish I'd been given long enough to tell her outright, especially if it might have stayed her hand.

And don't you worry, I do 'carpe noctem', although, since the end of the relationship with the younger of my two former fiancee'es, I've only been in one physical relationship, and it was a trainwreck. I don't know if I can anymore, its been so long, and I miss her too much. Also, something I believe in very, very strongly indeed, is that if a woman is deserving of being loved, cared for, being in a relationship with them, they deserve EVERYTHING I have to give, everything that I am, holding nothing back in terms of what makes me tick. If someone isn't worth that then the relationship is, IMO, not of sufficient importance to enter in the first place. And the flip side of that is, since I lost my soulmate, (different girl entirely from the clandestine chemist chick from eastern europe, this was an english lass, pretty young, profoundly autistic (I can't stand the term 'severely', it makes it sound like a disease, or something wrong with someone. Whereas that wasn't so with my formerly, wife to be. Spesh as hell. But beautifully autistic, gorgeously, sexily so. In fucking spades, she was, just being in a room with her made my blood boil and steam, and my mental processes fly like they were shooting through the air on a solid cocaine dirtbike with handles carved from single crystals of dipropionylmorphine and tyres of gold trim...just so little as her letting me be taken in her arms and her and I walking side by side, arm linked in arm, laughing with each other, generally getting up to all sorts of high-jinx, with the stunning, bubbly, funny, light-headedness-inducing flappy, stimmy human cannonball of a lady with bugger all pretentions whatsoever, and certainly none towards acting in any way lady-like=D)

Profound, is exactly what it was, what she is, and for that matter, the seeing of a world through the eyes of a spazz. Not that I've ever had any other eyes to look through of course. Disorder my arse, in short.

But since what we had ended, she still has the rest of me, and I can't very well give a woman her rightful due, if I haven't got that part of me left anymore. I can't give, what I dpn't have. And if its worth a relationship then that part of me she touched, so deeply its stamped with her seal irrevocably. And I can't, as a result, give my all to somebody who deserves to have that. If they don't deserve to have that then the relationship would be irrelevant and pointless ever to even begin. So, unless I do succeed in tracking her back down and managing to hook up with her again then its probably just me on my own until my dying day.

I'll say that much for my former fiancee, she was powerful. Immensely so, there was just this...shit, she was a living, breathing, flapping, twirling human-cannonball-ing and markedly predatory fundamental force of nature. Trying to argue against her bodyslamming me into that tree and forcing her tongue down my throat as her first 'hello' before eventually telling me my name, when I'd recovered physically from the impact and the..well the shock quite honestly, it'd be like my trying to argue with gluons and tell them fuck off and stop being the gauge force mediators between quarks and expecting success. Or my shouting at a lump of protactinium and demand that it stop undergoing spontaneous nuclear decay, and while it was at it, if it did decay, then stop with the conservation of energy. Or demanding that muons never decay, or commanding highly energetic Tau leptons not to produce so much Bremmstrahlung. Such was that girl, that'd be exactly like it.

Pointless as fuck. You can't engage in debate about whether a thunderbolt is going to unleash a searing bolt of superheated plasma and electromagnetic pulse, and you can't very well tame my ex fiancee either. Not that I'd have wanted to. Hell no. That was one of the things I love the most about her, the way she is like her own selfcontained continually detonating thermonuclear explosion in a petite, curvy, profoundly autistic brunette bombshell. (and whattabombshell too....bloody hell. Might have been a little on the young side, if I am a little economical with the figures, but one look from her and she knew it, she knew she had be bang to rights and that I wasn't going anywhere unless it be at her side=D)

Make sense, BCF? that I can't give, what was taken and due to circumstance working out wrong, eventually ended. In a way it never should have either. So, looks like I'm a fucking bachelor for the foreseeable, unless I do ever manage to hook back up with her again. And besides there are vanishingly few people who COULD ever even stand in her presence, nevermind equally. Few indeed that could even come close to comparing with even the tiniest whisp of her sheer vivacity and FIRE. Because she really, really was. Is, an inferno unto herself. She isn't 'hot'. Things that are at an extremely elevated temperature are attempting to emulate her nature. Fire and forces are trying to be like her.
 

Limpet_Chicken

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 13, 2005
Messages
6,328
Location
UK
But time healing that wound? no, it won't. Its been over a decade, and I'm in my 30s now. Its as red, as raw and as searingly painful as it was the day after, the only difference or change is that sometimes I can think of other things for a time, albeit not long. Its still right there just under the surface. Like a lake of boiling lava just underneath a thin crust. My ex fiancee, she touched a part of me deep, deep down somewhere, and never let it go. And then we were parted. And yes, it fucking kills me inside to have lost somebody so close to me that I loved so deeply, that I would have willingly died for her if she ever needed organ transplantation, and who I'd gotten the ring for, and we were just waiting until it'd be legal in scotland for us to not keep our relationship under some degree of secrecy from at least the public (her mom knew, wasn't anything like that, fuck no!, although I admit I was a little nervous when my ex introduced me to her mom, what with her likely to be protective of her autistic daughter etc. [and I'd have thought very, very little of her indeed, her mom that is, if she was anything else, which would as I saw things, have been a betrayal of my former fiancee], that much openness was there, we just had to keep things to ourselves in respect of not being caught in public doing a lot of things.

Even if she did own my body just as much as she has the rest of me.

BCF-time is NOT going to heal this. There are some things a man's or woman's soul can suffer and recover from in time. And there are also things that it cannot sustain and remain whole. I haven't been in one piece ever since, and I can't see it just falling silent, or ever being anything other than the searing, raging storm left behind, scoured to the fucking bone marrow.
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,928
Location
in a dream
But time healing that wound? no, it won't.
It is a complete fallacy that "time heals all wounds". What does occur is that the acute stabbing of the loss is punctuated by increasingly longer spans of time between each knife plunge. That, in my experience, becomes a secondary death....and a third and fourth and on and on through time the loss shifts weight as you carry it. It feels different on your hip than on your back, different still in your hands or on your head. But one way or another you carry it, "the searing, raging storm of it". Perhaps the best that can be said about "healing" is that eventually you cross an invisible border and find yourself carrying that loss like the precious human experience that it is: you loved a person deeply. Now you carry the absence of that person and the ache of it as if you are carrying a precious sacrament. After all, death is coming for us all, and to have been loved profoundly enough that another will carry your death as a living thing within, all the way to his or her own death...well, that is love in all its fullness.
 

monstanoodle

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
10,879
Location
T'Norf
I do agree that, sometimes, time cannot heal the pain you have to live with after the cut of a relationship, and ohhhh oh oh when a lover is lost due to ... well.... death - I cannot relate to that :\

I have quite a few wounds still open, but one has been closed recently.
I have never experienced this before, and it's such a strange but weight-lifting experience.

I'm real sorry for your loss Limpet <3
By the way you described her (greatly aided with the subatomic particle likening), she sounded like a one of a kind person.

Much love to all of those grieving: I'm with you massively due to Mothers Day coming up :(
 
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maxalfie

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 5, 2011
Messages
7,074
Location
Down town
Sad to say that i have lost a few more friends since i started this thread on New Years eve 2011. Every one of them lost their lives to combining heroin with alcohol, benzos and a bottle of Oramorph in one case. It's such as shame as to me they were all good folk who never robbed anybody for a fix but i just know that society would have looked down upon them as just another junkie life lost. Those of us that knew you, knew better and will not ever forget any of you. &#55357;&#56911;
 

monstanoodle

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
10,879
Location
T'Norf
Haha I doubt it ;)
I keep forgetting that so many of our past EADDerz aren't here, because THEY made EADD what it was, and still is, at a time in my life when I really needed such a place.
Sometimes I used to think that this place would never be the same because they have left their human form. That they really did make EADD and that because they're gone... this place wasn't the same.
But I needed to remind myself:
1. They are whizzing around the Universe in a form of pure energy & I bet that's bitchin!
2. Because of what they gave here, they have their own personal thread!.... Lucky bastards...
Actual2. Because of what they gave here, they will always be known and loved and valued, to the point that their personal trials, tribulations and jubilations, stories, humour, help and kindness will help someone else in the future... for years and years.
Change someone else's life, save someone's life and just make a difference every day.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Love you all ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
 

steewith2ees

Moderator: M&ED, EADD, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Nov 9, 2013
Messages
5,076
Location
the piss artist formerly known as stevesircull (th
Everything has a golden age, a personal irony being that I missed the the OG interpersonal dynamics on Bluelight due to still having so many humans about (the site was only ever resource to me alongside PR's). As a regular attendee at the weekly night the only bulletin board I ever used to engage with Godskitchen's forum and as such had some widespread acquaintance with other regular guests that posted, but while there were no problems the super - zeitgeisty nature of the whole thing did attract alot of ponses that took themselves far too seriously both while out and online, that breed that would make a massive deal about never drinking alcohol despite spending 30 hours ever w/e guzzling amphetamines and ketamine. Average topics would just be about deliberately random subjects although the title of one thread ('I get a wave of euphoria from hanging onto a poo') written by a particularly prominent club kid just refuses to leave my memory and needless to say the online community more than ran its course a long time before the actual nightclub did.

I know that many quite rightly saw the arrival of me and my ilk following the drought (as opposed to long standing members who had happened to have developed a heroin habit) as while it may not have killed the forum it may have changed the flavour of the raver, but I still feel lucky to have come across the people I have, there always being an abundance of proper psychonaught's who genuinely get it and have that space cadets inherent sense of empathy.

@monsta - I suppose the one real beaut is that the missed will never be gone as long as the servers keep running. The only person I get twisted up about is OM and that is due to the nature of his disappearance... over 2 years now.
 

steewith2ees

Moderator: M&ED, EADD, NSADD
Staff member
Joined
Nov 9, 2013
Messages
5,076
Location
the piss artist formerly known as stevesircull (th
11 years this month. MTGG you’re in my thoughts.
Despite the sad circumstances, its good to see you posting and I hope that you are well and still on track xx Don't be a total stranger but at the ame time I appreciate that you may not be best spending too much virtual time with those that continue to practise psycgonaughtistry, whether through semi - sensible 'weekender' type usage or as in my own case, the most reckless of opiate dependencies, something I hope you are still well clear from now x.
 

cherrycolouredfunk

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 19, 2006
Messages
11,766
Location
Bristol, but often i'm here and there, and back ag
Despite the sad circumstances, its good to see you posting and I hope that you are well and still on track xx Don't be a total stranger but at the ame time I appreciate that you may not be best spending too much virtual time with those that continue to practise psycgonaughtistry, whether through semi - sensible 'weekender' type usage or as in my own case, the most reckless of opiate dependencies, something I hope you are still well clear from now x.
Appreciate the reply.

It was as i was reminded via a facebook memory post about MTGG that i came here....

I’m still on track, 3 and a half years clean of IV heroin and crack, plus methadone and 2 years (last month!!!!) Clean of putting coke up my nose.

Done jail, done rehab (12 step based) Cant be arsed with the 12 steps, i find my own way!

Just finished an 8 week course of harvoni for my SECOND genotype infection of hep c. I cleared it !

I have two beautiful children, both under 4, who I fought for, through social services and courts. I came very close to losing them both. It is possible to turn shit around.

One of their dads still using, other just out of jail , and we all better off without them!

Keep on keeping on !
 
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monstanoodle

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
10,879
Location
T'Norf
Appreciate the reply.

It was as i was reminded via a facebook memory post about MTGG that i came here....

I’m still on track, 3 and a half years clean of IV heroin and crack, plus methadone and 2 years (last month!!!!) Clean of putting coke up my nose.

Done jail, done rehab (12 step based) Cant be arsed with the 12 steps, i find my own way!

Just finished an 8 week course of harvoni for my SECOND genotype infection of hep c. I cleared it !

I have two beautiful children, both under 4, who I fought for, through social services and courts. I came very close to losing them both. It is possible to turn shit around.

One of their dads still using, other just out of jail , and we all better off without them!

Keep on keeping on !
Good mate of mine read this and she says:

"Been there done it, taken half my life away - There's light @ the end of the tunnel. Keep on that track. Respect for talking about it!
Don't let nobody judge you because they couldn't walk and inch in your shoes.
LOTS OF LOVE ❤
p.s. Don't worry: I'm not jail bent :D
- by Chi-Cha"

Love to all the departed as well .... as always.
She's got mass respect & empathy for you
 

tribal girl

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jan 29, 2006
Messages
13,271
I’m still on track, 3 and a half years clean of IV heroin and crack, plus methadone and 2 years (last month!!!!) Clean of putting coke up my nose.

Done jail, done rehab (12 step based) Cant be arsed with the 12 steps, i find my own way!

Just finished an 8 week course of harvoni for my SECOND genotype infection of hep c. I cleared it !

I have two beautiful children, both under 4, who I fought for, through social services and courts. I came very close to losing them both.
Fucking hell, Helen. I must say, I often think of you, and I'm really glad to hear that you're doing okay. <3

It is possible to turn shit around.
Indeed.
 

monstanoodle

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
10,879
Location
T'Norf
I'm really glad to hear that you're doing okay. <3
It's REALLY good to see a post from you TGirl as - although it's my fault for not kickin about on here of late - I'm really glad to see that you are around and I really hope that you are doing well <3
 
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