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Vent/Rant Thread vs. Don't get in my way

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Smoky

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Well said - I went through a phase where I was extremely self critical, I took a hard look at the origin of this - it was quite enlightening. Most of my thoughts, and self judgment isn't necessarily me… but come from outside authorities I internalized over time. I made a list once of the messages received early on about who I am. Most of this was just carried shame and blame from an unhappy parental unit… or someone who was suffering deeply.

" What is wrong with you, why can't you be like so and so, you are not living up to your potential Smoky ?"

These are messages that I heard growing up and I made them true, carried them with me… (this is just one example and only ime) :)
Luckily - I am not my thoughts … I don't need to agree with them… what enters my mind. I call their bluff <3

Feelings are not facts and they will pass.
 

xstayfadedx

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 7, 2011
Messages
20,643
I never cry, and I mean I NEVER cry since I was three in foster care (the lady told me never to cry and so ever since then I only have cried a handful of times). However, tonight I'm crying and I can't stop. My brother called me and he told me he's dying from all the years of drinking. His schizophrenia is worse after his OD, but he says he feels alive and it's a good thing. He isn't using anymore, but still drinking because the medication isn't working to slow down his thought process… but his brain capacity feels as if it grew a lot more and he literally broke down quantum physics for me, ect. Yet, he said don't worry about him, but worry about our sister (I'm worried about them both). She's in a super abusive relationship and this guy is feeding my 20 year old sister drugs and booze (he's 32)… and we don't know what to do. She wants to get out, but can't. Her psycho boyfriend is on parole, and I mean psycho. Threatened to kill me before and beat the shit out of me… he is insane. I don't know what to do. I want to save my sister, but I can't. I am sinking and drowning because of everyone looking at me for help, but the thing is I would sink and drown for my sister. We have such a close bond and everyone even see's it. So to know she is hurting… hurts me. She is sadly not strong enough to help herself… and I know she needs me, but when the fuck can I get myself to say no? I never can, but I have to… but I can't. This was just a jumble of shit, but my brain is going so fast right now and I don't know what to do. I kind of just want to go up to Connecticut and get this guy to beat the shit out of me like he almost has (but he would totally kill me) but in a way I'd go through that so he could go to prison for a very long time… he already was supposed to do ten years but got out early… so something like that would cause him to go away for years. Then I wouldnt have to worry and nor would my sister, because even if I take her away I feel like he won't ever stop or leave her alone, or stop threatening my family.

Probably mispellings ect but this was my rant done on a shitty cellphone

My grandparents are dying
Apparently my brother is from liver failure
My sister is trying to kill herself/suicidal
My mom is in bad health/state of mind

And here I am happy for once and off dope… and my heart is too big.
I have to be selfish though, but then what will I have in life.

Then everyone wonders why I did dope and wanted to kill myself.
However, I'm over that shit and shit way of thinking, but don't get me wrong it's fucking hard.
 
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Carl Landrover

Bluelighter
Joined
May 6, 2005
Messages
9,307
Location
CT
Ethylphenidate is the most corrosive fucking thing imaginable.
It ruined my bank card.
It ruined my pipe.
It ruined my (solid fucking metal) snooter.
It gave my hands chemical burns.
It burned my mouth, my tongue, my gums.

So imagine my surprise when shoving over 2,000mg up my nose caused some damage! The cartilage supporting the right nostril had completely corroded until the thing collapsed. Literally, the wall of the nostril fell out in a pool of blood and burned flesh. My nose is visibly disfigured and in so much fucking pain.

And this just had to happen whilst I was coming up on a psychedelic, didn't it?
Searing pain and pouring blood are two things that tripping is not compatible with.

Fucking Hell.
That sounds awful!

Didn't you notice it burning before you finished that line? That 2 gram line
 

laCster

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2010
Messages
6,870
Location
$toned
Today is one of those days where everything just goes wrong, and sometimes even if you try to smile and be patient it is pretty frustrating!!
omg i had the same day for the past couple days. felt like it would never end, but i finally feel better! (crosses fingers)
 

The Chemist

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 17, 2008
Messages
3,450
So getting booted from the place i live....I'm done with this city.
Guess I'm going to hop trains, idk what else to do for real.
 

MissBehavin'_416

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 12, 2002
Messages
6,785
^ I wanna go with you. I wouldn't mind waking up in a different town every day.

I don't recognize myself anymore... Where is she? She looks different. She sounds different. Her skin smells different. Things that come out of this person's mouth are not what she is. Someone free me. Unblock my life.
 

neversickanymore

Moderator: DS
Staff member
Joined
Jan 23, 2013
Messages
23,727
Location
babysitting the argument in my head
I never cry, and I mean I NEVER cry since I was three in foster care (the lady told me never to cry and so ever since then I only have cried a handful of times). However, tonight I'm crying and I can't stop. My brother called me and he told me he's dying from all the years of drinking. His schizophrenia is worse after his OD, but he says he feels alive and it's a good thing. He isn't using anymore, but still drinking because the medication isn't working to slow down his thought process… but his brain capacity feels as if it grew a lot more and he literally broke down quantum physics for me, ect. Yet, he said don't worry about him, but worry about our sister (I'm worried about them both). She's in a super abusive relationship and this guy is feeding my 20 year old sister drugs and booze (he's 32)… and we don't know what to do. She wants to get out, but can't. Her psycho boyfriend is on parole, and I mean psycho. Threatened to kill me before and beat the shit out of me… he is insane. I don't know what to do. I want to save my sister, but I can't. I am sinking and drowning because of everyone looking at me for help, but the thing is I would sink and drown for my sister. We have such a close bond and everyone even see's it. So to know she is hurting… hurts me. She is sadly not strong enough to help herself… and I know she needs me, but when the fuck can I get myself to say no? I never can, but I have to… but I can't. This was just a jumble of shit, but my brain is going so fast right now and I don't know what to do. I kind of just want to go up to Connecticut and get this guy to beat the shit out of me like he almost has (but he would totally kill me) but in a way I'd go through that so he could go to prison for a very long time… he already was supposed to do ten years but got out early… so something like that would cause him to go away for years. Then I wouldnt have to worry and nor would my sister, because even if I take her away I feel like he won't ever stop or leave her alone, or stop threatening my family.

Probably mispellings ect but this was my rant done on a shitty cellphone

My grandparents are dying
Apparently my brother is from liver failure
My sister is trying to kill herself/suicidal
My mom is in bad health/state of mind

And here I am happy for once and off dope… and my heart is too big.
I have to be selfish though, but then what will I have in life.

Then everyone wonders why I did dope and wanted to kill myself.
However, I'm over that shit and shit way of thinking, but don't get me wrong it's fucking hard.
Its a good thing to feal love even though it can be very hard at times. Hang in there xsfx<3
 

Smoky

Bluelight Crew
Joined
May 18, 2014
Messages
6,254
Location
I live right here
Taking on too many jobs make Smoky feeling tired… agitated…
At least I have a couple hours to kill til tonight.
There is a park across the street from this outdoor cafe, going to fall asleep in the sunshine and listen to the dogs run around and the balls bounce back and forth in the tennis courts
 

Eveleivibe

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 28, 2013
Messages
14,785
Location
666 The Moon, Off Milky Way, GALAXY E47 10EV
Feeling a bit down at mo. All these weeks of trying hard to get positive vibe in my life, rid myself of negative energy n the anger in me feels like its just for nothing. Try hard to please ppl, interact n it's pointless. I'm always gna be hated, the one in the wrong. Why am I trying just to get torn apart n rejected? :(

Evey
 

plmar

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
1,903
Feel hopeless and I despise myself for who I am and the fact I'm not taking any action to change it.
 

gr33n3y3z

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 30, 2012
Messages
1,980
Location
Mars
Feeling a bit down at mo. All these weeks of trying hard to get positive vibe in my life, rid myself of negative energy n the anger in me feels like its just for nothing. Try hard to please ppl, interact n it's pointless. I'm always gna be hated, the one in the wrong. Why am I trying just to get torn apart n rejected? :(

Evey
Be strong girl, why do you think you will always be hated? Time makes these feelings pass.
 
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