Trying to make me crazy, or just psychosis?

[Gold.Dust]

The ultimate question during meth abuse.

Short background. I started using here and there in November of last year. My ex at the time convinced me to open up about it and to let him in to "my world". This is the point I should have run. But ultimately I wanted to trust him. We had been hanging out again regularly and it really did seem like he had changed and started to appreciate me more.
I started to enjoy his company again. He was treating me like one of his closest friends. Like the words I said mattered and no matter who I was he would have my back. And this was a pleasant change from our relationship before.
So basically I caved and we smoked meth together. It was awesome and blah blah blah ect.
Let's fast forward a bit. In the 5 months of using with him, I have gone from using maybe once every other week (if even that).. to using every day. I've gone from having friends, to having zero because he gets jealous. I had my own connections but he cut those off quickly. Now he has the connections and he gets it. I used to see my family every single day, in 5 months I've seen them twice. To continue.
Things started off fun. Free. Liberating. I'm 30 and I was living with my parents after him and I broke up. And finally I got to wake up and walk around in my underwear again. Order breakfast. And literally everything I said and did was cool to him. It's like he admired me. He held on to every word. He gave me validation. But since that time there have been a series if events that has changed everything for me. Not only that. But he, as what he was when this journey started, has changed immensely.
It wasnt long before he started to control me. He had claimed before me moving back in that he wanted me to be free. That I deserved it. Next thing I knew, I wasnt allowed to stay up and work on music anymore. I couldnt be on my phone without him becoming suspicious. He started accusing me of doing drugs in the bathroom. He started going through personal things. He started taking things I had told him out of trust in his understanding and throwing it in my face as a way to belittle and hurt me. He stopped listening to me. He stopped hanging on Tommy every word. He stopped admiring me. I was no longer cool to him. Now he accused me of being a drug addict. He would monitor how much I smoked and he would double intake of his own what i took in. When we would run low, inwould bring up the fact that he should probably hit the plug. He wouldnt. And he would smoke up the rest. And then when we would have nothing, i would struggle. This is when he would take his move. Telling me I had a problem because he didnt care that much about it. He could go without, no big deal. I would wonder: why than did he smoke the rest of it? Why does he yell when he thinks I'm taking too much?

All and all, as his control has grown more severe and the fights more and more frequent, I've become less and less if who I was in November. No longer confident and happy. No longer sure of myself. He has grown more violent. More manipulative. When I address things that dont seem quite right to me, it's a fight and he calls me paranoid. Everytime I mentioned wanting to go home it's been a fight. A HUGE fight. And he pulls out all the stops.
This whole time he has told me the problem in the relationship is me because I wont open up and trust him, when I have caught him in numerous lies. He has gone back on everything he promised in the beginning. Now he says that i was putting stipulations on him. One moment he yells because I stay up a little longer. Next when I get in bed he tells me to be free. I never know what is right anymore. Things I think will make him happy, do the complete opposite. He has me in a constant state of confusion. Constant state of fear. He wont listen to me. He laughs at feelings. Denies he is doing anything I'm trying to tell him is hurting me.
Now the latest thing he is doing. He purposely keeps me awake when we use. I made the decision to slow down. So I havent been using like I was. But when i do...he makes sure i stay awake. He knows this leads mentor psychosis because it has happened to me 3 times now. First time was a mistake. I didnt know it would be my breaking point because staying awake for 2 or 3 days...well we did that sometimes...
So I broke.
But the last two times...I'm starting to think he had it planned. That it has been purposeful. I've noticed he doesn't use as much. He acts a whole different way.
So here I am. I had taken 2 weeks off. He went and got some day before yesterday. Last night he got mad at me because I wasnt smoking any. Then started a fight which ultimately kept me awake. This morning he sends me a text while he is at work telling me to have a great day and he is sorry. Meanwhile I havent slept and I had to go get out daughter.
Yes. We have a child together.
And for this reason, I am afraid.
Could this be why he is doing all this to me?
Is he and has he been gaslighting me?
Convincing me that I'm going crazy with my suspicion?
When we broke up I took her to my parents. He was abusive to us and he did not provide for us at all. So i would limit how much he got to see her. Could he have a vendetta towards me for this?
Is he purposely trying to send me over the edge, or have I sent myself into a never ending psychosis?
I'm finding it difficult to get out
I"m afraid. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of who I am now. Who I have been as a mother.
I'm ashamed I put her in all this. I'm ashamed I over looked the past abuse. I feel stupid for falling for it all.
I've gotten into numerous fights with my parents. I'm ashamed as a daughter.
Now he has his family against me.
I am alone.

Any word of advice would be much appreciated.

 

[zeebee3]

Oh my...seen this before all too often. It sounds like you were on a slippery slope. Now your sliding head long into a raging wildfire...right before the edge of the cliff. The falls coming but the smokes going to blind you till its too late.
Sorry I slipped into Road runner mode for a moment.
As a survivor... my best advice is to find a way to get out and get out fast. If you have to ...tell yourself its just long enough to get your head straight and re evaluate. What do you want your life and your childs future to look like...be like ? I know there are multiple sides to every story so I'm not judging. I'm just saying you need a safe place and a clear head to decide what you want that future to be.

 

[Shelbel69]

Hi. He's gaslighting you big time. Run, don't walk and yes limit the time he spends with your daughter, if any. Good luck and stay strong. I'm here if you need a shoulder.

 

[ControlDaddy]

Oh dear. I am sorry. I can't go into much detail with you this minute, I have to do some things before close of business, but before this post is 24 hours old I will come back here (or PM you) with my interpretation and suggestion. Hang in there, and keep talking to people about it here. There are lots of good people here that can help you and support you in doing the hard things, and reduce harms doing the things you may be facing. Check out the SLR threads, you will see you aren't alone, and the OPs of some of the threads there with happy resolutions, are good people to reach out to.

 

[Joey]

You need to get out of this situation. You are being mistreated and you also seem to be affected by the drugs youre doing negatively. If youre not going into any sort of psychosis, remaining in this situation and using any further will both push you towards that. Is there anywhere you and your child can go thats safe. At the very least, dont even consider using anymore because youll need a clear head while you sort this out. This can go two ways, better or worse. You do have control.

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

Relationships and meth use dint end well together most of the time.

Its probably a combination of both the drug use , his drug use affecting his behaviour and pre existing issues with him.

Control of the supply is controlling the partner.

My ex husband and i had similar issues. He did not at all handle it when I made my own connections and had my own circle of drug friends. Getting clean was impossible in that relationship as we were both surrounded by it and a lot of our issues were most definitely both our faults.

It took leaving the state ultimately and then a couple of years where things got worse alone to get off and that lasted 8 years.

Im sorry mate. You will probably have to leave him and not go back. As suddenly snd without long drawn explanation as possible. Don't get into who did what to whom or any analysis of it. It doesnt help and you could get guilted into returning.


As for drugs. its up to you what you decide. A clean break of a month or so should be a goal thrn after that have a clearer mind to figure out if you want to go completely clean. Don't worry about long term until you conquer short term.

Hope you find some peace with this, it's never fun dealing with control freaks.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

I don’t know if there are any Women’s Shelters where you’re located, but I would certainly try to find one. They will offer a safe haven for you and your daughter. They often have therapists and social workers on staff that can assist you with obtaining a restraining order and figuring things out, including the best way to legally separate yourself from him. He will not be allowed to see you if you stay in a Women’s Shelter.

Your daughter will be welcomed into this safe environment. You will find support at a Women’s Shelter that affords you the opportunity to take a time out, get off the meth, and figure out what you want to do going forward.

You and your daughter are in real danger. Abuse and the need for absolute control nearly always escalates and the forced isolation from friends and family will likely get worse. This is no way to live and you certainly don’t want your daughter to grow up believing that the way you are treated is acceptable, or that walking on eggshells to avoid making him angry is OK.

You have to leave him and realize this is not love he’s demonstrating, despite what he might tell you, and the apologies he offers you after his awful behavior. This is absolute abuse and control.

You also need to take a serious look at why you say you love him. I’m guessing you’re afraid to be alone and believe that if you leave him, you won’t find another man. You are better off alone than to stay in this toxic relationship. You’re doing the right thing if you keep your daughter away from him. This is not the kind of male role model she should have.

Run as quickly as you can to a safe place if you cannot find a shelter. You say that your parents are angry with you. I can guarantee you they’d rather be angry or seem unwelcoming than to have to bury a daughter and perhaps a granddaughter.

 

[Fairy of the Flowers]

He sounds like he has narcissistic personality syndrome, he could be a narcissist, they love bomb you, then when they get you where they want you they do exactly this, belittle you, shout at you and play on your insecuritys my ex narc thew my anxiety iny face any chance he had, what they hate the most is being dumped it's a massive dent to thier ego, they can not stand it, some even get back with the dumper just so they can dump you, if you read up on narcissism you see what they call red flags, and your story is full of them

 

[Gilnet.com]

The ultimate question during meth abuse.

Short background. I started using here and there in November of last year. My ex at the time convinced me to open up about it and to let him in to "my world". This is the point I should have run. But ultimately I wanted to trust him. We had been hanging out again regularly and it really did seem like he had changed and started to appreciate me more.
I started to enjoy his company again. He was treating me like one of his closest friends. Like the words I said mattered and no matter who I was he would have my back. And this was a pleasant change from our relationship before.
So basically I caved and we smoked meth together. It was awesome and blah blah blah ect.
Let's fast forward a bit. In the 5 months of using with him, I have gone from using maybe once every other week (if even that).. to using every day. I've gone from having friends, to having zero because he gets jealous. I had my own connections but he cut those off quickly. Now he has the connections and he gets it. I used to see my family every single day, in 5 months I've seen them twice. To continue.
Things started off fun. Free. Liberating. I'm 30 and I was living with my parents after him and I broke up. And finally I got to wake up and walk around in my underwear again. Order breakfast. And literally everything I said and did was cool to him. It's like he admired me. He held on to every word. He gave me validation. But since that time there have been a series if events that has changed everything for me. Not only that. But he, as what he was when this journey started, has changed immensely.
It wasnt long before he started to control me. He had claimed before me moving back in that he wanted me to be free. That I deserved it. Next thing I knew, I wasnt allowed to stay up and work on music anymore. I couldnt be on my phone without him becoming suspicious. He started accusing me of doing drugs in the bathroom. He started going through personal things. He started taking things I had told him out of trust in his understanding and throwing it in my face as a way to belittle and hurt me. He stopped listening to me. He stopped hanging on Tommy every word. He stopped admiring me. I was no longer cool to him. Now he accused me of being a drug addict. He would monitor how much I smoked and he would double intake of his own what i took in. When we would run low, inwould bring up the fact that he should probably hit the plug. He wouldnt. And he would smoke up the rest. And then when we would have nothing, i would struggle. This is when he would take his move. Telling me I had a problem because he didnt care that much about it. He could go without, no big deal. I would wonder: why than did he smoke the rest of it? Why does he yell when he thinks I'm taking too much?

All and all, as his control has grown more severe and the fights more and more frequent, I've become less and less if who I was in November. No longer confident and happy. No longer sure of myself. He has grown more violent. More manipulative. When I address things that dont seem quite right to me, it's a fight and he calls me paranoid. Everytime I mentioned wanting to go home it's been a fight. A HUGE fight. And he pulls out all the stops.
This whole time he has told me the problem in the relationship is me because I wont open up and trust him, when I have caught him in numerous lies. He has gone back on everything he promised in the beginning. Now he says that i was putting stipulations on him. One moment he yells because I stay up a little longer. Next when I get in bed he tells me to be free. I never know what is right anymore. Things I think will make him happy, do the complete opposite. He has me in a constant state of confusion. Constant state of fear. He wont listen to me. He laughs at feelings. Denies he is doing anything I'm trying to tell him is hurting me.
Now the latest thing he is doing. He purposely keeps me awake when we use. I made the decision to slow down. So I havent been using like I was. But when i do...he makes sure i stay awake. He knows this leads mentor psychosis because it has happened to me 3 times now. First time was a mistake. I didnt know it would be my breaking point because staying awake for 2 or 3 days...well we did that sometimes...
So I broke.
But the last two times...I'm starting to think he had it planned. That it has been purposeful. I've noticed he doesn't use as much. He acts a whole different way.
So here I am. I had taken 2 weeks off. He went and got some day before yesterday. Last night he got mad at me because I wasnt smoking any. Then started a fight which ultimately kept me awake. This morning he sends me a text while he is at work telling me to have a great day and he is sorry. Meanwhile I havent slept and I had to go get out daughter.
Yes. We have a child together.
And for this reason, I am afraid.
Could this be why he is doing all this to me?
Is he and has he been gaslighting me?
Convincing me that I'm going crazy with my suspicion?
When we broke up I took her to my parents. He was abusive to us and he did not provide for us at all. So i would limit how much he got to see her. Could he have a vendetta towards me for this?
Is he purposely trying to send me over the edge, or have I sent myself into a never ending psychosis?
I'm finding it difficult to get out
I"m afraid. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of who I am now. Who I have been as a mother.
I'm ashamed I put her in all this. I'm ashamed I over looked the past abuse. I feel stupid for falling for it all.
I've gotten into numerous fights with my parents. I'm ashamed as a daughter.
Now he has his family against me.
I am alone.

Any word of advice would be much appreciated.

Yeah he's gaslighting you. We too have been doing way too much meth and had a argument about some crazy thoughts I'm not going to get into it on here.. otherwise we don't really fight. But as for psychosis maybe this will help we were up for 3 days and I don't get paranoid or bossy I get worried about my health and feindy. She gets paranoid and has hallucinations.
So this makes 4 days and she slept so she not seeing any pictures move on the wall you people in the yard but she's checking the pictures for movement . I haven't slept and am hearing a hissy sound and I find it hard to focus and stop moving all the time amung other personal things. But my mom was manic depressive and smoked a lot of crack. she would yell and scream at me and my sister, throw things, belittle us kids, and a lot of other metal abuse then she would be great and take us shopping, out to eat amung other good things. Maybe he's got some kind of mental problem or maybe it's the meth...... It's probably the meth.

 

[CfZrx]

The ultimate question during meth abuse.

Short background. I started using here and there in November of last year. My ex at the time convinced me to open up about it and to let him in to "my world". This is the point I should have run. But ultimately I wanted to trust him. We had been hanging out again regularly and it really did seem like he had changed and started to appreciate me more.
I started to enjoy his company again. He was treating me like one of his closest friends. Like the words I said mattered and no matter who I was he would have my back. And this was a pleasant change from our relationship before.
So basically I caved and we smoked meth together. It was awesome and blah blah blah ect.
Let's fast forward a bit. In the 5 months of using with him, I have gone from using maybe once every other week (if even that).. to using every day. I've gone from having friends, to having zero because he gets jealous. I had my own connections but he cut those off quickly. Now he has the connections and he gets it. I used to see my family every single day, in 5 months I've seen them twice. To continue.
Things started off fun. Free. Liberating. I'm 30 and I was living with my parents after him and I broke up. And finally I got to wake up and walk around in my underwear again. Order breakfast. And literally everything I said and did was cool to him. It's like he admired me. He held on to every word. He gave me validation. But since that time there have been a series if events that has changed everything for me. Not only that. But he, as what he was when this journey started, has changed immensely.
It wasnt long before he started to control me. He had claimed before me moving back in that he wanted me to be free. That I deserved it. Next thing I knew, I wasnt allowed to stay up and work on music anymore. I couldnt be on my phone without him becoming suspicious. He started accusing me of doing drugs in the bathroom. He started going through personal things. He started taking things I had told him out of trust in his understanding and throwing it in my face as a way to belittle and hurt me. He stopped listening to me. He stopped hanging on Tommy every word. He stopped admiring me. I was no longer cool to him. Now he accused me of being a drug addict. He would monitor how much I smoked and he would double intake of his own what i took in. When we would run low, inwould bring up the fact that he should probably hit the plug. He wouldnt. And he would smoke up the rest. And then when we would have nothing, i would struggle. This is when he would take his move. Telling me I had a problem because he didnt care that much about it. He could go without, no big deal. I would wonder: why than did he smoke the rest of it? Why does he yell when he thinks I'm taking too much?

All and all, as his control has grown more severe and the fights more and more frequent, I've become less and less if who I was in November. No longer confident and happy. No longer sure of myself. He has grown more violent. More manipulative. When I address things that dont seem quite right to me, it's a fight and he calls me paranoid. Everytime I mentioned wanting to go home it's been a fight. A HUGE fight. And he pulls out all the stops.
This whole time he has told me the problem in the relationship is me because I wont open up and trust him, when I have caught him in numerous lies. He has gone back on everything he promised in the beginning. Now he says that i was putting stipulations on him. One moment he yells because I stay up a little longer. Next when I get in bed he tells me to be free. I never know what is right anymore. Things I think will make him happy, do the complete opposite. He has me in a constant state of confusion. Constant state of fear. He wont listen to me. He laughs at feelings. Denies he is doing anything I'm trying to tell him is hurting me.
Now the latest thing he is doing. He purposely keeps me awake when we use. I made the decision to slow down. So I havent been using like I was. But when i do...he makes sure i stay awake. He knows this leads mentor psychosis because it has happened to me 3 times now. First time was a mistake. I didnt know it would be my breaking point because staying awake for 2 or 3 days...well we did that sometimes...
So I broke.
But the last two times...I'm starting to think he had it planned. That it has been purposeful. I've noticed he doesn't use as much. He acts a whole different way.
So here I am. I had taken 2 weeks off. He went and got some day before yesterday. Last night he got mad at me because I wasnt smoking any. Then started a fight which ultimately kept me awake. This morning he sends me a text while he is at work telling me to have a great day and he is sorry. Meanwhile I havent slept and I had to go get out daughter.
Yes. We have a child together.
And for this reason, I am afraid.
Could this be why he is doing all this to me?
Is he and has he been gaslighting me?
Convincing me that I'm going crazy with my suspicion?
When we broke up I took her to my parents. He was abusive to us and he did not provide for us at all. So i would limit how much he got to see her. Could he have a vendetta towards me for this?
Is he purposely trying to send me over the edge, or have I sent myself into a never ending psychosis?
I'm finding it difficult to get out
I"m afraid. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of who I am now. Who I have been as a mother.
I'm ashamed I put her in all this. I'm ashamed I over looked the past abuse. I feel stupid for falling for it all.
I've gotten into numerous fights with my parents. I'm ashamed as a daughter.
Now he has his family against me.
I am alone.

Any word of advice would be much appreciated.

Well, he's no good, but there's not much to be done about that. I would work on getting clean. Probably have to move in with your parents again. If you remove the meth from this story, all you have is a mean guy who will be lonely when you leave. It's all uphill from here, but the hard dope has to go.

 

[ControlDaddy]

Hi,

As you were very thorough and comprehensive in your OP, I hope this wall of text is appropriate and useful. Your OP was very dramatic, and I think you will find my interpretation and suggestion are dramatic as well. Drastic times call for drastic measures? I think so, in this case anyways.

First of all, you are not at fault, and you are not to blame, for any of your baby's father's behavior. For my own ease in writing this, I am going to call him Damien going forward, as "your baby's father" is a clumsy turn of phrase. Damien's behavior is categorically abusive. It is the worst, most insidious type of domestic abuse, in many respects crueler than physical violence, and more debilitating than any injury he could threaten you with or cause to you, short of death.

As @Fairy of the Flowers suggested, you are dealing with a pathological narcissist. Damien has probably always had those tendencies, many men, and some women, have narcissistic tendencies that lay dormant, until they start using a substance that is well known for creating delusional psychosis. Other drugs can get you there, but methamphetamine is the crown prince of delusional psychosis, temporary schizophrenia, and methamphetamine users often fall into their own illusion of control, wherein they can control everything in their lives, as long as they stay high on thier DOC, including, in this case, control over you and "his child". He has been trying to control your sanity. He has been trying to control your humanity. Only a narcissist would think these things are possible. Another methamphetamine user is more likely than most other people, to allow themselves to be manipulated in this way.

Take it from someone who can admit to having dormant narcissistic tendencies, that many years ago rose to primacy in his own psyche. That would be me. I more than once fell victim to a methamphetamine illusion of control. I don't flaunt this, it is still something I can feel ashamed of, but I am willing to share that part of my past if it can qualify me to help a controller's victim see a way to escape from the abuse.

If Damien is staying up to keep you up, in order to trigger a psychosis in you, then he is bound to fall for the same insomnia induced psychosis himself. The difference is, his narcissism and its attendant "magical thinking" will have him believing he is somehow immune to it. If you can come to see this to be true, to see him for what he really is, it may give you an edge over him. Even if you can't, try to take it on faith, he is the agent of the chaos in your life, more even than your own drug use, and shielding yourself from him at any cost, is the right move for you right now.

Consider this for a minute, and see if it fits. Damien is turning you against yourself, using your best qualities: your compassion, your caring, your loving, your endurance, your high pain tolerance, your intelligence, and configuring all of these to create a narcissistic supply for himself. As long as you remain a source of this supply, he will do anything he can imagine to keep that source from being interrupted. If Damien was a smart, creative guy before all this, he will be using those strengths to imagine all manner of schemes to keep you under his control, which it sounds like he has.

If I were in Damien's shoes, I would have already imagined a way to get your state's family services involved as a matter of last resort. He has probably figured out a way to make you look like a worse parent than him. I wouldn't be surprised if he set up some false evidence, or leveraged something circumstantial, or concocted a somewhat credible history for you, and possibly created other resources to discredit you. Even if he hasn't, I suspect he would be willing to have you be deemed unfit as a parent, even if he was as well, in order to keep you from gaining any more control over him than "his children".

I don’t know if there are any Women’s Shelters where you’re located, but I would certainly try to find one. They will offer a safe haven for you and your daughter. They often have therapists and social workers on staff that can assist you with obtaining a restraining order and figuring things out, including the best way to legally separate yourself from him. He will not be allowed to see you if you stay in a Women’s Shelter.

Your daughter will be welcomed into this safe environment. You will find support at a Women’s Shelter that affords you the opportunity to take a time out, get off the meth, and figure out what you want to do going forward.

You and your daughter are in real danger. Abuse and the need for absolute control nearly always escalates and the forced isolation from friends and family will likely get worse. This is no way to live and you certainly don’t want your daughter to grow up believing that the way you are treated is acceptable, or that walking on eggshells to avoid making him angry is OK.

This is one way to go. It isn't an easy one. The social workers and therapists will be well trained, and familiar with your situation, and Damien's kind. They can help you figure out your next steps. Social workers will do a better job than I just did of evaluating your assets, i.e. what you currently have going for you, and your liabilities, i.e. the ways you are disadvantaged. The therapist can help you start to find your place as both victim and survivor, and begin the process of helping you rebuild yourself into the women you were before all of this. Even better than that, someday. There is strength in surviving an ordeal like this, especially when you make hard, brave choices. Seeking shelter and haven with your states' social apparatus is a hard, brave thing you can do.

I am going to seque briefly and discuss methamphetamine abuse, before we continue with your options. It is important, and I hope at some point liberating, to understand that methamphetamine has no way to make you physically dependent, the way many other drugs do. With alcohol, opiates, benzos, tranquilizers, painkillers, and some recreational compounds, there is a component of physical withdrawal that must be contended with, when a user decides to quit abusing that substance. This often involves medical intervention, usually a stay of several days, to several weeks, in a "detox" unit. Often this is followed up with additional time in a "rehab" facility, where the former drug abuser can start recovering from the psychological dependency that their abuse has created.

Does methamphetamine abuse create psychological dependencies? You betcha. Probably the worst psychological dependency, especially immediately before and immediately after the user contemplates quitting, IME. My experience with physical dependency to all of those, minus opiates, is substantial. The good news is, the methamphetamine psychological dependency crumbles quickly at first, as the user gets time away from using methamphetamine itself. I would forecast, after cessation of using the drug, that the majority of the psychological dependence will be absent, within two weeks of cessation. There may always be some lingering pull to the drug after that, but a strong person can steer their own ship at that point.

So perhaps your immediate best bet was a women's shelter, and you realized this and you are there now. Perhaps they helped us convince you that an immediate protection and no-contact order against Damien was in order, and helped you secure one with the courts. Maybe this all happened quickly, within a few days. They may have told you what I am about to tell you, or had an alternative worth considering. Please do, they know the situatoin, and the social welfare system, better than me for sure, and probably better than you too.

But maybe you couldn't bring yourself to do that, for some reason.

Either way, I would ask you to consider what I think is the hardest, bravest option you have going for you. It sounds like your parents have been able to take your child into their temporary custody before now, and keep her safe and out of harm's way. Hopefully they do not have a drug dependency issue to hide, or any other issue the state could say makes them unfit to be your daughters custodian at this point. My suggestion for you at this point, is to put your daughter's welfare first, and put her out of your reach, and out of Damien's reach, before he does something sinister. Next, I would suggest you volunteer yourself for a substance abuse rehabilitation program, and then follow every suggestion they have for you. If Damien tries to do anything except the exact same thing for himself, you will gain a crucial advantage over him, for whatever lies ahead. If he tries to have you seen as an unfit mother, you can admit your drug use may have made that the case temporarily, and now you have done and are doing all you can do to restore yourself and to recover your capacity as an able mother. Rehab for methamphetamine abuse can be quite short, or you may find you need many weeks to recover sufficiently. You can bear this, knowing at some point your daughter will be restored to you, and you both will be safe.

In the meantime, Damien will be left to twist in his own devices. Please let him. At this point he needs a severe and drastic consequence or circumstance, before he will find his own escape route. Active methamphetamine users have a way of falling into isolation, and creating their own severe and drastic situations. In the case of the narcissistic tweaker, this usually means a rapid psychic implosion. Best case scenario for him, but something for you to look out for for your own family's sake, is for him to follow your lead, surrender, and seek treatment. He may find other escapes or interventions, e.g. incarceration, suicide, fleeing with or without assuming a new identity, or he may struggle on thinking he is a functional tweaker and live in his illusion of control for awhile still. After what he has done and probably has been willing to do to you, it is probably not a good idea to consider any recovery he makes a balm for your historical relationship. Those tendencies may become dormant while he is in recovery, but if he's anything like I am, another substance or circumstance could always trigger him to become a pathological narcissist again. Maybe I am wrong and he finds a way to be an able parent again himself, but if that is not the case, something else I can affirm from my own experience, is that children are very resilient, and can survive a losing a parent lost to drug abuse and incurable mental illness.

If you have any questions, if this is upsetting you and you want to tell me off, give or seek clarifications, need someone to talk to, anything at all, feel free at any time to PM me.

Good luck, and God bless you.

p.s. I have a friend, Dr. Sam Vankin, who is as celebrated a scholar as anyone alive in the field of psychopathic, narcissistic, and borderline personality disorders. I think you may find this video, and the scores of other videos on his youtube channel, very useful in your present situation.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

The ultimate question during meth abuse.

Short background. I started using here and there in November of last year. My ex at the time convinced me to open up about it and to let him in to "my world". This is the point I should have run. But ultimately I wanted to trust him. We had been hanging out again regularly and it really did seem like he had changed and started to appreciate me more.
I started to enjoy his company again. He was treating me like one of his closest friends. Like the words I said mattered and no matter who I was he would have my back. And this was a pleasant change from our relationship before.
So basically I caved and we smoked meth together. It was awesome and blah blah blah ect.
Let's fast forward a bit. In the 5 months of using with him, I have gone from using maybe once every other week (if even that).. to using every day. I've gone from having friends, to having zero because he gets jealous. I had my own connections but he cut those off quickly. Now he has the connections and he gets it. I used to see my family every single day, in 5 months I've seen them twice. To continue.
Things started off fun. Free. Liberating. I'm 30 and I was living with my parents after him and I broke up. And finally I got to wake up and walk around in my underwear again. Order breakfast. And literally everything I said and did was cool to him. It's like he admired me. He held on to every word. He gave me validation. But since that time there have been a series if events that has changed everything for me. Not only that. But he, as what he was when this journey started, has changed immensely.
It wasnt long before he started to control me. He had claimed before me moving back in that he wanted me to be free. That I deserved it. Next thing I knew, I wasnt allowed to stay up and work on music anymore. I couldnt be on my phone without him becoming suspicious. He started accusing me of doing drugs in the bathroom. He started going through personal things. He started taking things I had told him out of trust in his understanding and throwing it in my face as a way to belittle and hurt me. He stopped listening to me. He stopped hanging on Tommy every word. He stopped admiring me. I was no longer cool to him. Now he accused me of being a drug addict. He would monitor how much I smoked and he would double intake of his own what i took in. When we would run low, inwould bring up the fact that he should probably hit the plug. He wouldnt. And he would smoke up the rest. And then when we would have nothing, i would struggle. This is when he would take his move. Telling me I had a problem because he didnt care that much about it. He could go without, no big deal. I would wonder: why than did he smoke the rest of it? Why does he yell when he thinks I'm taking too much?

All and all, as his control has grown more severe and the fights more and more frequent, I've become less and less if who I was in November. No longer confident and happy. No longer sure of myself. He has grown more violent. More manipulative. When I address things that dont seem quite right to me, it's a fight and he calls me paranoid. Everytime I mentioned wanting to go home it's been a fight. A HUGE fight. And he pulls out all the stops.
This whole time he has told me the problem in the relationship is me because I wont open up and trust him, when I have caught him in numerous lies. He has gone back on everything he promised in the beginning. Now he says that i was putting stipulations on him. One moment he yells because I stay up a little longer. Next when I get in bed he tells me to be free. I never know what is right anymore. Things I think will make him happy, do the complete opposite. He has me in a constant state of confusion. Constant state of fear. He wont listen to me. He laughs at feelings. Denies he is doing anything I'm trying to tell him is hurting me.
Now the latest thing he is doing. He purposely keeps me awake when we use. I made the decision to slow down. So I havent been using like I was. But when i do...he makes sure i stay awake. He knows this leads mentor psychosis because it has happened to me 3 times now. First time was a mistake. I didnt know it would be my breaking point because staying awake for 2 or 3 days...well we did that sometimes...
So I broke.
But the last two times...I'm starting to think he had it planned. That it has been purposeful. I've noticed he doesn't use as much. He acts a whole different way.
So here I am. I had taken 2 weeks off. He went and got some day before yesterday. Last night he got mad at me because I wasnt smoking any. Then started a fight which ultimately kept me awake. This morning he sends me a text while he is at work telling me to have a great day and he is sorry. Meanwhile I havent slept and I had to go get out daughter.
Yes. We have a child together.
And for this reason, I am afraid.
Could this be why he is doing all this to me?
Is he and has he been gaslighting me?
Convincing me that I'm going crazy with my suspicion?
When we broke up I took her to my parents. He was abusive to us and he did not provide for us at all. So i would limit how much he got to see her. Could he have a vendetta towards me for this?
Is he purposely trying to send me over the edge, or have I sent myself into a never ending psychosis?
I'm finding it difficult to get out
I"m afraid. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of who I am now. Who I have been as a mother.
I'm ashamed I put her in all this. I'm ashamed I over looked the past abuse. I feel stupid for falling for it all.
I've gotten into numerous fights with my parents. I'm ashamed as a daughter.
Now he has his family against me.
I am alone.

Any word of advice would be much appreciated.

Get out now. End the 'relationship', move out, end all contact/communication. This is not a relationship you are being manipulated and abused.

When he calls or texts you, do not answer or reply. In fact get a restraining order, contact a lawyer, and even the police. Keep your money safe in a savings or bank account in your name only.

Do not go anywhere alone with him and if you need to divide up your belongings while moving out have the police there, or multiple friends or family members.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

If money is an issue and you can’t afford an attorney, there are ways to obtain free legal help. I don’t know where you live, or whether you’re living in a small town, a large metropolis or something in between, but there are free Legal Aid Services in most medium-sized cities. You ought to see one of these lawyers ASAP to help determine what steps you need to take legally at this point.

If you’ve decided to stay elsewhere than a Women’s Shelter (hopefully at your parent’s home), please know that filing a restraining order is free, and filling out the form isn’t too difficult to do on your own.

Don’t let him make you feel as though you are somehow unworthy of taking care of, or being a good mother to your daughter. This is a tactic that narcissists employ to cause you to doubt yourself and it’s not based upon facts.

Be strong, get clean, and make the safety of your daughter and yourself the number 1 priority in your life. If you fear that he could be dangerous, add better or new deadbolt locks to your parent’s home.

If your daughter attends any school, you may wish to inform them that he is not to pick her up from school, and you (and your parents if you’ve given them approval to) are the ONLY persons that are authorized to take her to and from school. Make sure that they know to call you if he should attempt to pick her up.