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Addiction Time to get Sober - Life Beyond Abstinence

Iceman1216

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2019
Messages
780
Location
North East - Long Island
Thank you so much for this post! I have cut and saved it for many future references with my soponcees !!
It is the total answer that I used to stop drinking, and all drugs 30 years ago. Now I am in a dance-fight with Norco and chronic pain from medical treatments. So i will past your post on my computer screen , and try and get back to that place!
Thank you
ICE
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: Words, SLR
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Thousands of Miles Away From You
@Captain.Heroin Agreed, loneliness can be a good thing for people - a good time for introspection, meeting new people & much more. Good comments! Thanks
I discovered, the hard way, that you have to love yourself for who you are, then others pick up on this subconsciously then love will find you. If you don't, it'll be like 10x harder to find it but still not impossible.

When you love yourself you exude charisma and chill vibes, which is a lot less important than confidence . We all get those heart flutters and insecurity feeling when love is new. "Acting confident" is impossible because you are confident enough, it really won't matter to you how you act and you could intentionally act anti-confident and still be totally confident. That's why in the South Park Movie where Stan finds the clitoris, it lies to him. If he didn't have confidence he would have never gone on such a dangerous journey while also still on the equally absurd journey of finding the clitoris... etc.
 

Wormwood44

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
176
Location
Colorado, USA
@Captain.Heroin Wow! Very very well said! May I have permission to use that quote to a person I know who is struggling with self esteem issues right now?
Nice addition of the South Park reference too....
Captain I have read many of your posts over the years. I joined BL recently, but I was a long time lurker. You may think about writing all your thoughts down - I think your thoughts are worthy of a book.
 

Wormwood44

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
176
Location
Colorado, USA
@Iceman1216 Wow. Glad to help. I joined BL because the purpose is Harm Reduction. Plus all the threads are super interesting.
Wow congrats on the 30 years! You're an OG!
My prayers are with ya!

Hey pm me. I'd like to hear more about your journey.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,142
@Captain.Heroin of course all these posts are fair game for anyone to just jump right in. Sorry to hear about your loss.
When you first said "Love" was the answer I came to comment as you did below:

I discovered, the hard way, that you have to love yourself for who you are, then others pick up on this subconsciously then love will find you. If you don't, it'll be like 10x harder to find it but still not impossible.

Ive been "divorced" (never actually married tho mind) for nearly 5 years. Funny enough I also quit for my ex...just to show her that I was capable of it ... but without proper motivation I just jumped back into it when mom got sick. Shortly thereafter and in desperation I tried to fill the void with anyone whod take me, without loving myself ... and what I got was exactly who I was... It wasnt long before mom passed and I realize I couldnt be with this person (also an alcoholic) or itd just be another codependant relationship leading to my demise. Then my kid decided she wanted to be with her mom and it was heart breaking. The linliness was too much and I became antisocial and chose to focus on my drinking and pitying myself.

It took a while but I finally became increasingly mroe comfortable with the loniliness. And I think that was the first step in quitting drinking.

Now my daughter and I live with my ex and her new partner in the same dwelling but separate units...
Its fuckedty at times but it saves us both tones of money while we both get to see our daughter on the daily.... and the loneliness dissipates significantly
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: Words, SLR
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Is your mom still with us? If she is I hope she recovers. <3 Moms are like #1 to us all. Aw I kept reading: I'm so sorry she passed. One of my close friends' mom passed and it had a remarkably bad impact on his life but he definitely rebounded; he's like the kindest person in the world to me too: sometimes the worst hardships in life happen to the best people :(

The descent into self-pity; I've been there. I'm sure you now believe in yourself :) if not YOU ARE WORTH IT <3

Are you still in contact w/ your daughter, does she know you're in recovery now? Oh sorry you answered the first half of that. I'm sure being able to be close with your daughter means the world. :)
 
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tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,142
In re to the hardships in life happen to the worst ppl...
That about sums up my moms life. She was the sweetest person. Everyone always reminds me of that like its supposed to help.. but it doesnt lol ... She married my douche of a father... had cancer 3 times - 2 of which were directly related to previous treatments (chemo/radiation).. but through it allhad this unwavering faith ... in ?? .. it wasnt religion but ... it was something lol... maybe herself?

If Ferris Buelers Day off taught me anything it was
"I qoute John Lennon: "I dont believe in the Beattles, I believe in myself" "
And despite the difficulties along the way in doing just that it is something I try to practice....

And if alcoholism taught me anything its that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to lol ..
Drinking like that took dedication. So I figure if I dedicate even a small fraction of that to the things I want to accomplish now I will have no problem in doing so .
Yes my daught knows Im in recovery ....
Shes only 11 tho so I keep it age appropriate but she saw, rather unfortunately, some of my worst times... So she can see the stark contrast... and we actually get quality time now so ...
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: Words, SLR
Staff member
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Messages
95,050
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Thousands of Miles Away From You
Sometimes we undergo hardships to become and prove to ourselves we are good people at heart and it can help inspire your life to giving back to others.

Some people have much worse fates. It's always important for me to count my blessings and not just focus on the bad.

Cancer has killed more than one of my family members and one has been affected by it. I am quite sorry. Such fates are never fair although there's hope treatment works. End-stage alzheimers treatment is basically nothing works and you wait for them to die.

Try to feel thankful to have known her with her cognitive faculties at least. They are truly the greatest blessing.
 

Wormwood44

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
176
Location
Colorado, USA
In re to the hardships in life happen to the worst ppl...
That about sums up my moms life. She was the sweetest person. Everyone always reminds me of that like its supposed to help.. but it doesnt lol ... She married my douche of a father... had cancer 3 times - 2 of which were directly related to previous treatments (chemo/radiation).. but through it allhad this unwavering faith ... in ?? .. it wasnt religion but ... it was something lol... maybe herself?

If Ferris Buelers Day off taught me anything it was
"I qoute John Lennon: "I dont believe in the Beattles, I believe in myself" "
And despite the difficulties along the way in doing just that it is something I try to practice....

And if alcoholism taught me anything its that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to lol ..
Drinking like that took dedication. So I figure if I dedicate even a small fraction of that to the things I want to accomplish now I will have no problem in doing so .
Yes my daught knows Im in recovery ....
Shes only 11 tho so I keep it age appropriate but she saw, rather unfortunately, some of my worst times... So she can see the stark contrast... and we actually get quality time now so ...
Nice! Quote of the day for me; and what Captain Heroin writes.
Yes, we can accomplish anything we set our minds to. Good stuff!
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: Words, SLR
Staff member
Joined
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Messages
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Thousands of Miles Away From You
@Captain.Heroin Wow! Very very well said! May I have permission to use that quote to a person I know who is struggling with self esteem issues right now?
Nice addition of the South Park reference too....
Captain I have read many of your posts over the years. I joined BL recently, but I was a long time lurker. You may think about writing all your thoughts down - I think your thoughts are worthy of a book.
I've written one novel, going to write another. Thank you for the encouragement.

Yes, we can accomplish anything we set our minds to.
And when all else fails you can work on acceptance and loving what you still have in life, largely where I'm at.

:)
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: Words, SLR
Staff member
Joined
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Messages
95,050
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@Captain.Heroin Wow! Very very well said! May I have permission to use that quote to a person I know who is struggling with self esteem issues right now?
Oh YES, of course, I don't know why I didn't see this earlier my brain is burnt toast.

Anything I say are just configurations of words. And words meaning change over time. Use it while it's hot :)

I don't need credit or anything. But I really did and it didn't encourage him to stop and it really bummed me out and he's gone now. Dialysis is really painful and I don't think he wanted to keep doing it. He had a brave voice/dialogue about it with me and seemed HAPPIER than I was. It was an act, I think; he must have been deeply unhappy with being in pain and wanted to die and wanted to pretend, to me, to go out loving life so as to give me the will to keep going without him.

It's a bit soul crushing but I think I can love him more for not wanting me there by his side at the end. I think it was the right decision and I actually get it now. It just clicked, just now and I'm crying. But it's alright, it's good to let this out.

I have been struggling with suicidal ideation for a large part of my life. Last year was the crux of almost everything bad that could happen other than more family/friend deaths and it was soul crushing, I haven't ever found meaning in life to top that off and I wasn't planning on going on to see 2021. A lot changed about 9-10 months after my ex's passing. I'm quite glad he put on a brave face for my sake because any more grief on top of what I went through would not have behooved my mental health at all.

A lot of my friends who have passed from overdoses, intentionally, subconscious death wish or completely on accident, have been some of the best people I've ever known in life, the most down to earth, friendly, helpful, kind people. It's not fair and so all we can do is live by their examples and that's what I try to do every day.

Sorry to hear about your loss.
Jan of 2019 my cat of nine years died, he was like my best friend that wasn't a human and was always there for me to cheer me up. Then five people including one IRL friend, one family member, some BL'ers and I must be forgetting someone passed away. Oh yeah and my ex I was just talking about that, my brain must be burnt or repressing. I lost all of that in one year.

I appreciate your emotions but please don't feel sorry for me. Be happy you have a beautiful life to live and be happy every day. <3 Smile because I just can't right now and enjoy nature, your family/friends, love, the simple things. My life is nothing to feel sorry about; some of my friends who have passed (before 2019, I've probably lost ten BL friends, some I knew IRL to overdoses) had much worse lives and they had a much worse hand dealt to them in life and society, their family, their circumstances were so harsh and unfair: that's who you should feel sorry for if you're going to. I've had a good life and I've accepted whether it ends tomorrow or decades later I'll be at peace with everything. Not all of my friends who have passed found inner peace like me and I hope they are finding it now.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,142
So it’s been a little while

Life’s been improving. I’m about 2 months of going for the gym for strength exercises. My yoga and mindfulness fell off during that time but I’m slowly incorporating it again.

My substance (psyches/disso) use kinda mellowed out too... from every week to about every 3rd. But my weed use increased to near daily. I even started smoking at work again, after 5 years w/o any. And I started eating junk food like a mother* ....
Now I’m not religious but in light of lent I figured it was time to make a few changes. I’ve since decided to: cut out all substances/junk food, delete Facebook and start Intermittent Fasting.

It has only been a week but I have so much more time, without constantly being on facebook. I’m using it to practice my juggling, get out for walks and cook/clean up all the damn dishes lol

The fasting is relatively easy and I have a lot more energy... tho that may also be the lack of weed and kife food lol

Quitting substances hasn’t really been an issue.. until yesterday. The weekend came and I just wanted a toke (or a smoke I’m not really sure lol). Seems silly but I was so agitated all night.

Today is better but more of the same, despite a decent nights sleep and hitting the gym....

Hoping to visit some friends and get out for some fishing this weekend.
 
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THECATINTHEHAT

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 17, 2005
Messages
7,358
One thing that helps me is starting really small with positive micro routines, just do a couple of really small self care jobs each day (e.g. spend 20 minutes tidying your house, prepare a healthy meal for yourself, do 20 minutes exercise). I find that if decide on a couple of that type of task to complete each day and then stick to doing them it helps create positive momentum and I then find doing something bigger much easier.

So yeah, just start small but be rigid about doing a couple of things each day. Even throwing in really small things that you might not have done in addiction (make bed every day, clean teeth properly, look after appearance etc) and start to do those rigidly each day is very helpful for me. As all these tiny acts of self care begin to stack up and have a positive impact on your psyche I find it helps propel me towards making more and bigger changes.

Start with what you can manage and take your time, but stick to it rigidly. You dont have to change everything right away, what's important is that you are moving in the right direction. Momentum is everything.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,142
Yeah @THECATINTHEHAT celebrating the small victories was huge in aiding me when quitting drinking (almost 15 mos now), so it’d make sense now.

Been doing that today actually... laundry, dishes, a really nice meal to break my fast. And now I’m just sitting down to fix the hole in my backpack after a bike ride to the store with the kids

But I’m still agro af lol
I’m not sure if it’s the lack of weed or due to my recent cig consumption (~3/day for a month after 5 years off...). Either way I knew both needed a kick in the pants lol.

I know the mood will pass and I just need to keep on keeping on.... just need to vent. Thanks for the reply
 

RV Mystery Journey

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
102
Location
Another Galaxy
I discovered, the hard way, that you have to love yourself for who you are, then others pick up on this subconsciously then love will find you. If you don't, it'll be like 10x harder to find it but still not impossible.

When you love yourself you exude charisma and chill vibes, which is a lot less important than confidence . We all get those heart flutters and insecurity feeling when love is new. "Acting confident" is impossible because you are confident enough, it really won't matter to you how you act and you could intentionally act anti-confident and still be totally confident. That's why in the South Park Movie where Stan finds the clitoris, it lies to him. If he didn't have confidence he would have never gone on such a dangerous journey while also still on the equally absurd journey of finding the clitoris... etc.
Lol nice.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,142
Sunday marked 14 days of this new routine.
Things are progressing well enough and Im feeling really good. I havent lost much weight from the change to my diet, though that was never my goal, but my bloating and body composition is changing as I eat healthier and continue to exercise. And Im thankful for that as my Dad bod was getting out of control.

Ive been kinda short tempered and stand offish lately though ... During the work week I do alright, but come the weekend when Id normally let my hair down and at the very least smoke some bowls Im now confronted with coming up with something to do... and if im tbh Ive just be kinda lethargic, esp in that regard.

And while there is only 1 confirmed case of coronavirus in the area this whole mess is adding to it all - not that Im concerned I will become seriously ill or anything. But weve had clients cancel already (and itll only get worse) and I mostly live pay cheque to pay cheque with very little savings. Now its suggested to begin social distancing to slow the spread, I understand the reasons for such actions, but Im getting conflicting pressures from family to meet up for this or that. While nothing would likely come of it I hate disappointing people but at the same time Id hate to kill Grandma lol as much as itd be nie to see her for her birthday

But I just keep on keepin on this little kick. Most of the time I find the clear headedness a welcome to change to the constant fog being a stoner for the past 16 years. Without eating breakfast, for my IF, Im far more productive in the mornings - staying on top of chores and cooking / prepping food. And slowly my mindfulness routine is coming back (last week I practiced more yoga/meditation that I had in the previous month) whilst my strength training reminds constant and my cardio also comes back.

So 2 weeks down, 4 more to go... looking forward to whats to come
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,142
Turns out one of our clients just retuned from India and failed to voluntarily self isolate and had us over to work

She wasn’t exhibiting symptoms but I don’t think it’s right to put our other clients at risk, some of which are high risk for developing serious reactions... so now I’m completely out of work for the next two weeks.

I feel pretty blessed and I’m quite thankful that some of our clients are willing to pay us while we’re off... it’ll cover groceries at least. And I’ve got a little stash, that will cover rent for the next 2 months but if this goes beyond that...

I just hope work will pick up by then but who knows... and I doubt many places will be hiring lol

Shoulda continued with accounting, fml lol
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,142
Well nonessential services have been cancelled here (though the list of whats "essential" is laughable, imho) so Im out of work for the foreseeable future
Who knows if cleaning will pick back up. I knew it wouldnt be forever but now the question of what to do next is imminent.

Idk wtf im going to do. And Im stressing out.

But instead of coming up with a plan or updating a resume/application or prepping tax stuff to submit so that I can apply for assistance for those whove lost their jobs due to this virus... Ive just be in avoidance mode. I hang out doing the bare minimum amount of chores (though exercise ensures Im on top of food prep and the dishwasher tackles that end) and playing video games or watching tv

I guess I shouldnt be too hard on myself tho
I managed to clean up on Monday (and Im not a slob so it doesnt get dirty that fast)
I brought my weights out of the garage and started a beginner strength program... and Im still running 2/3x per week
Ive been trying to get outside most days for a walk or bike ride
And I try to do puzzles while watching tv (a sort of HR approach to just veggin out lol)

I feel like i should be doing more now before money becomes an issue next month.. but sometimes I feel like I just "cant" (Read dont want to)

I once worked with an old dude who said we do the best that we can, given our circumstances.
And I always said that I didnt buy into that sorta ideation... until my mental health slips and its convenient anyways
.... now is one of those times.

Id like to come up with a plan to ensure Im not right fucked here shortly
But for now its time for a walk. Ill ruminate about this shit later
 
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