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Time to get Sober - Life Beyond Abstinence

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
618
Monday again.
The weekend was nice but proved to be a difficult one. Im not entirely sure why...

My goals for this week are to continue to eat/hydrate properly, maintain my morning mindfulness routine and add some exercise (Id like to start with core and cardio for a few weeks before getting back into a strength routine). Ive notice Ive been escaping via social media and just endlessly scrolling... so I think recording how much time I spend on there would be beneficial ... More positively, my juggling with 3 balls is coming along nicely haha

Anyways... off to do some dishes and make breakfast.
Enjoy your Monday
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
618
Welp.. been a couple weeks since I posted.
My computer bit the dust a couple weeks ago and I was without any social media for that time. It was nice. I wasted much less time.
I got it up and running last weekend with some help from friends. Its still kinda wonky and Ill need to reset windows proper but its up and working again. Last week I wasted more time than I woulda liked but otherwise my lifestyle is still sobering up. And Ive continued to abstain from alcohol.

Even went to buddys birthday with everyone drinking. Now I indulged in some mda and edibles. Hell I even had a cigarette for the first time in nearly 6 years. But Im not worried about those substances lol .. And oddly enough, for the first time in years I didnt experience any midweek blues from the m... perhaps due to the fact that I took the smallest dose Ive ever intentionally had. But given the fact itd been almost a year since my last roll I still got decent effects - which combined nicely with the edibles for a very ncie hedonistic buzz.
...
Last couple of weeks Ive been engaging in less yoga/exercise though still some but Ive managed to include some other positive activities.
Trying to balance them all seems the challenge now. And thats my goal for this week.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
618
Been a few months since Ive posted here
Been alcohol free ever since. Quit junk food for Fathers Day and been holding strong in that regard too.

Moved into a new place. My daughter (and ex/her new partner) are upstairs and its going relatively well too. Though I have much less time for me. Thus Ive yet to integrate any real positive activities.

Seems to me that quitting something is easier than starting something...
 

Iceman1216

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2019
Messages
283
Location
North East - Long Island
Fantastic!! It sounds to me tat you have accomplished a Great deal in the last 6 months!! You are living in the same building as your EX , with her new partner, and your daughter ??. Some guys I know can not live in the same State or even Coast !!! You have 6 months off alcohol, that is Great and be proud.
All is well
 

MaggieV

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 22, 2019
Messages
55
Such an awesome update, I’ve been reading your thread and I am happy for you!
 

EPL1

Bluelighter
Joined
May 3, 2018
Messages
1,186
Hi honey, long time no see. Happy to hear how well you are doing now!!!! Just remember to be kind and patient with yourself, you've accomplished a lot. I'm very proud of you.
Here for you anytime.
your friend,
Ash.
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
618
Thanks for your kind words everyone.

Ive actually been alcohol free since before Christmas. Oddly enough Ill end up with 8 months alcohol free on my birthday next week. Which is kinda why Im posting.

Historically (stressful) events like this are the catalyst for my inevitable return (or at least the beginning of the end). But I actually voiced this irl to my ex and her partner yesterday (who not only live in the same building but the same damn house smfh lol ... a friend was moving and coincidentally so was her tenant.... knowing my ex was coming back to town and we were on good terms she offered the basement to me and the upstairs to my ex/family... its definitely weird to most ppl and difficult and awkward at times but its been 2 months and were making it work, but; I digress) and they were really supportive, asking how they could help - trying to help me come up with a plan to deal with stress, etc during this time. And with my ex taking the addictions and mental health program the last 3 years at school shes more than willing to put on that hat lol

As much as Ive been alcohol free Ive still been smoking copious amounts of pot, though I have been tapering my use, and using psychedelics fairly regularly. Festivals and various summer parties with friends have meant Ive been tripping on one thing or another for 5/6 weekends. Plan is to take a break this weekend, but Im almost disappointed, as I always enjoy such things. So I was miserable af for most of the day yesterday (most likely attributable to the lack of weed)
....
I need to engage in some more wholesome hobbies to get my mind off abstaining/partaking. Its not that I dont have any but rather I waste so much time or because I have no energy (read burnt out).

My goal this week is to come up with a schedule and begin a healthful routine. We'll see
 

EPL1

Bluelighter
Joined
May 3, 2018
Messages
1,186
Hi TOC.


I really liked your comment on Aaron's shrine thread. Good to see you on here, it's been a while since we last spoke and I have missed you.

And although I am not on here as much as I was before I am still here for you anytime and I wanted you to know that.

Pm me if you would ever like someone to talk with.

Much love,
your friend ,
Ash.
 

Trevylianos

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
63
If nothing changes nothing changes? Sounds like you are doing well staying off firewater. It doesn't appear your other use is much of a concern unless you are saying it's keeping you down in negative ways which I don't think I can say what it is doing but keep up the sobriety!

Teetotalers will say you can't use any mind altering substances and be sober perhaps. I'm not here to talk like that. Not sure if the pot use is helping you but that's for you to decide. Rastas and other people not even tied to the plant spiritually smoke pot in heavy amounts and there is cultural stigma attached to that so I guess it depends on how one chooses to see it that determines whether it is drug use or not. Marijuana is a drug to me but it is medicinal when needed.
 

Trevylianos

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
63
Monday again.
The weekend was nice but proved to be a difficult one. Im not entirely sure why...

My goals for this week are to continue to eat/hydrate properly, maintain my morning mindfulness routine and add some exercise (Id like to start with core and cardio for a few weeks before getting back into a strength routine). Ive notice Ive been escaping via social media and just endlessly scrolling... so I think recording how much time I spend on there would be beneficial ... More positively, my juggling with 3 balls is coming along nicely haha

Anyways... off to do some dishes and make breakfast.
Enjoy your Monday
Juggling eh? I stopped learning after 3 balls.

Nice reminder here for me about social media. I deleted it, all of it, so let me see that I don't sign back up and overuse it. Not for a long time. Hopefully I won't overuse it again but I'm not perfect.
 

Shady's Fox

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 12, 2017
Messages
2,517
Location
Palm trees & sea, just walkin along the beach.
Some big changes to your life, congrats. Social media we already know what it's and humanity would be better off. About green, isn't a drug, I mean you cannot classify anything that gives you euphoria as a escapism or a drug, if that would be the way then meditation should be illegal or yoga, so on. This year I will have 13yrs since I am sober and I still smoke, isn't a drug. It's a drug only when you get addictive, when you cannot stop and you can't have any kind of fun without it. So bottom line, is a Gift. It helps, especially now in your sobriety phases, we wait for new events. Till then keep it right.
 

VanOccupanther

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 16, 2019
Messages
35
Yeah I found yoga and tai chi really helped me get through some rough early stage of wd stuff. I thought it was all bollocks, but it really isn’t. The tai chi gave me a straight up energy hit before work. Also the clinic I’m at does acupuncture sessions which I can’t recommend highly enough!
 

VanOccupanther

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 16, 2019
Messages
35
Thanks for your kind words everyone.

Ive actually been alcohol free since before Christmas. Oddly enough Ill end up with 8 months alcohol free on my birthday next week. Which is kinda why Im posting.

Historically (stressful) events like this are the catalyst for my inevitable return (or at least the beginning of the end). But I actually voiced this irl to my ex and her partner yesterday (who not only live in the same building but the same damn house smfh lol ... a friend was moving and coincidentally so was her tenant.... knowing my ex was coming back to town and we were on good terms she offered the basement to me and the upstairs to my ex/family... its definitely weird to most ppl and difficult and awkward at times but its been 2 months and were making it work, but; I digress) and they were really supportive, asking how they could help - trying to help me come up with a plan to deal with stress, etc during this time. And with my ex taking the addictions and mental health program the last 3 years at school shes more than willing to put on that hat lol

As much as Ive been alcohol free Ive still been smoking copious amounts of pot, though I have been tapering my use, and using psychedelics fairly regularly. Festivals and various summer parties with friends have meant Ive been tripping on one thing or another for 5/6 weekends. Plan is to take a break this weekend, but Im almost disappointed, as I always enjoy such things. So I was miserable af for most of the day yesterday (most likely attributable to the lack of weed)
....
I need to engage in some more wholesome hobbies to get my mind off abstaining/partaking. Its not that I dont have any but rather I waste so much time or because I have no energy (read burnt out).

My goal this week is to come up with a schedule and begin a healthful routine. We'll see
 

tired of crap

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
618
Thanks for your kind words folks

Recently Ive been tripping a lot, mostly recreationally, as Ive come across a bunch of new things to try -a few of the more popular lysgeramides (1a, 1p, 1cp, eth-lad), some 4 sub trypts new and old, to me, (4 ho dipt and 4 aco dmt), 5 meo dmt and way too much dxm.

I dont mind recreational trips as imo theyre a much safer form of entertainment than alcohol.
However my lust for the void means dxm is quite alluring and it has been my go to every few weekends. With nmda tolerance being near permanent this also means my doses are up and the magics disappearing. Higher doses means more side effects both during and after the experience. And with some long weekends of late and my compulsion for this substance its meant multiple high doses a weekend. Which leads to lingering effects for multiple days.

Im not sure if alcoholism has retarded (not in the derogatory sense) my livers ability to filter this stuff out (or if theyre are other physical factors at play) or if these effects are merely (lol) psychological in nature ala hppd. I mean multiple high doses of psychedelics would result in lingering effects. But either way its time to nip this in the bud before it blossoms into another substance abuse problem lol...

And it seems Ive got a hankering for other psychedelics, as mentioned, though perhaps it was just the beautiful fall colours lol...
Either way its time to get those substances back in line with what I deem to be more healthy use and get back to more wholesome hobbies. Ive picked up some starter for kombucha. A friends asked to make some edibles for her vertigo to see if it helps. Ive got pictures and shit around the house to do still.

For the first time in a long time im actually optimistic
 

Codiene princess

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 7, 2018
Messages
56
Location
London
Hey hi 👋 I’ve been around these boards for at least 15 years mainly lurking and a couple of help posts.
I’ve had huge alcohol issues all my life along with the majority of my family , most are dead or killed themselves including my mother ( hanged) due to withdrawals.

ive had the piss taken out of me for kicking it and I’ve also failed a fair few times , ive had the withdrawals , forcing drink down only for it to bounce back up and keep drinking it , ive even drunk vomit and mouthwash just to get rid of the withdrawals , if I’ve been on it bad it will take me minimum 6 weeks to taper and still be shakin’ like Stevens ...

I’ve been isolated , very much of late so it’s difficult to make new friends , don’t wanna go AA seriously have done loads of times and mainly get hit on by guys that want to get you drunk,if I drink I will do absolutely anything !

I like a smoke but can’t do as I have a medical looming ( not drug test but just in case) so I can’t do that at the moment and limiting my Benzo diazepam use.

Prescribed 86 x5 mg per month for the last ten years .. Nhs dr due to PTSD however I’ve now cut down v rapidly due to medical to 1five mg tab per day but dr has dropped prescription from 3 to 1 just like that ? Suits me for medical but jeez she’s daft.

Anyway I’ve been desperate for a drink but I’m quite resolute in the no way dept as the last time ( not the first) I went abroad alone on an all inclusive can you believe ? Came back via ambulance smashed up face , same clothes I near enough arrived in .. no idea how I did face , smashed cheek and back of head bleeding massive dent to my leg still there getting in for a year later and cheek has big dent too , spent the last night doing 3G coke with a guy who had a black eye too.

can’t go drs as don’t want anything on record .

anyway I’m trying to and it’s working self visualise the path I’ll go down . .. I always think I’m ok until I get to two bottles of wine a day but somehow they are gone before 8 am and I can easy do another 8 plus bottles on top ... it’s actually astonishing with Benzos .
But now I’m finding it hard as I’m reflecting on all the things I did wrong whilst drinking even when it wasn’t that bad ( or so I thought) and that for me is the hardest , accepting and moving on ..

the only thing I do that really makes a difference is ( just been in another holiday) I drink red bull type energy drinks in a pint glass ( I’m really feminine appearance wise) and buy myself .. literally made so many friends , even people from holiday half my age have been calling asking if I’m going back , it’s terrible but they chatted because they thought I was drinking ( nobody does if you have a glass with big red fuck off Diet Coke on it ) I never pretend to drink and as soon as I got the opportunity I said “oh no there’s no alcohol I’m this “ and every time I get a “wow your really funny we thought you were pissed” and then “ your naturally lively “ well I am and I’m actually funnier or quicker if sober and I don’t fall down.. even during the football if anyone says or asks if I want a drink I say yeah I’ll have a can of red bull to tip on this .. sometimes people say do you wanna vodka too or a shot and I just say no cheers .. literally nobody has commented other than to say that I don’t need it .

I don’t feel I’m offering much help but what I’m trying to say is it’s helped me avoiding the “why don’t you drink “
questions or the “boring comments I’ve had when holding a coke .. also being avoided ( noticed that too) a fever tree in a glass with ice and a slice does it too ..

I really wish you the best and can’t wait for a bloody smoke myself .. I need to make some friends that’s for sure I’m seriously lonely but I’m safe xxx
 

Codiene princess

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 7, 2018
Messages
56
Location
London
I feel you, man.

One thing that's helped me (though I'm still largely in the boat you described) is rebuilding a bit of a social life. Being around good friends who make me laugh and who know I can do stuff besides drugs has helped me feel better about myself and has--at least most of the time--made drugs seem less compelling.
That’s exactly what I have to do rebuild from scratch it’s a bummer , my smokey drug friends although not local are the best actually as they really understand as they have their own issues one won’t touch drink say and another won’t touch weed all have diffferent issues and work in the health service , however saying that there’s one that will offer me a beer and it’s such a happy do as you like enviroment I’m avoiding so have nobody trying to work on a plan for today at the moment .. I actually don’t like the people I used to drink with because that was the only thing we had in common , it was acceptable to drink anytime anywhere even on a park bench at 6am wearing my Rolex what a mess x sorry just writing shit this morning pretending I’m ok but I guess I’m not x please remove if wrong I’m just finding my way around the site it seems to have changed x
 

Mistressofitness

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 18, 2018
Messages
25
Location
Ontario, Canada
Hey hi 👋 I’ve been around these boards for at least 15 years mainly lurking and a couple of help posts.
I’ve had huge alcohol issues all my life along with the majority of my family , most are dead or killed themselves including my mother ( hanged) due to withdrawals.

ive had the piss taken out of me for kicking it and I’ve also failed a fair few times , ive had the withdrawals , forcing drink down only for it to bounce back up and keep drinking it , ive even drunk vomit and mouthwash just to get rid of the withdrawals , if I’ve been on it bad it will take me minimum 6 weeks to taper and still be shakin’ like Stevens ...

I’ve been isolated , very much of late so it’s difficult to make new friends , don’t wanna go AA seriously have done loads of times and mainly get hit on by guys that want to get you drunk,if I drink I will do absolutely anything !
Hey Codiene Princess! I have been reading this thread and was gonna write to the guy who has been writing it but saw your post and wanted to say hello to you too.. I'm sorry you feel alone, I totally get it...our ailment --or disease-- of addiction (whatever you wanna call it) is brutal that way. I saw you didn't want to go to AA - where do you live? I am in Canada (Toronto Ontario) and we have something called SMART recovery meetings here (free). I am going to try it on Monday for first time. I got sober many years ago- haven't drank for 20+ years..however I was hit with the opiate bug and man o man it's a hard one to kick. What I realize from when I first got sober is that I have to get "active" in my recovery or nothing will feel any different. When I did go to AA it helped a lot- but there were parts of it that just didn't feel right and I left after about 10 years. But the things there that helped were meeting new people going through same thing, not feeling alone, and taking steps and making a commitment to getting better ..honestly I wasn't able to do it alone. So that's why I'm going to try these meetings- no religion factor, purely group CBT..which seems like a good mix. Apparently they have online meetings too. I will let u know if I find it helpful! Oh, and re what you said about guys hitting on you at AA- I actually had same problem, so I joined a group in my area that was primarily gay men and it SAVED my ARSE! I am from big city (not sure if you are in London UK or London Ontario - if London, UK, maybe they have some ? London Canda, may be a different story....:sneaky:) I also started going to womens meetings...which helped a lot- but that took some getting used to- and I had to feel better about myself first before I let any women in...was interesting process. Anyhoo just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. Lots of us here with you, and I hope all of us seeking clarity can find some success in trying to get clean (or cleaner!). Peace to you girl ❤ sorry for ramble hope something helps ;-) feel free to write back :)
 
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Mistressofitness

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 18, 2018
Messages
25
Location
Ontario, Canada
For the first time in a long time im actually optimistic
Hey there TOC! Been following your story. Love how you have used the forum like a journal to sort out you feelings, experiences, highs and lows- it seems to really have helped. It's cool to see how you have progressed through ups and downs- it has ultimately been a trajectory in the right direction despite challenges which i m sure felt insurmountable. After reading your writings, I feel like I should make my musings/declarations out loud as well....as I'm struggling a fair bit...After having not had a drink for 20 years, now find myself addicted to opiates. Went on Suboxone which is not really ideal, albeit better than using street drugs - been about 7-8 months without using anything else (had one 'slip' which is reasonably decent). It was great to see you manage to not drink for lengthy periods, thru your posts. Also - was really touched reading about your daughter, and your desire to be there for her, and not miss her life which can happen in the blink of an eye. That is precious love, and you are so fortunate to be able to have it..to hold on to it....It was really sweet to hear that fatherhood motivates you to be a better man..... We all have to find the wonderful things that we have to get well for :) You touched on so many things in your writings, that struck up many thoughts.....

One major part of me staying well/clean has always been exercise- best antidepressant ever actually- but due to injuries I became limited in my ability, and ended up with the pain killer problem and worse depression than ever, as I couldn't exercise way I needed to ARGH. I did AA for for the booze and it was helpful to get & stay clean (so much harder to stay sober than it is to quit, I find!) couldn't have done it alone. However there were some issues there I found hard to take; and finally left. Now need something since am struggling AGAIN with addiction to opiates- feels like i have 3 garbage cans with only 2 lids- one always stinks....whether it is food, pills, relationships, television- if there is possibility of overdoing something, i will. I have been seeing an addiction doctor who is AMAZING and see my General Physician, back on proper meds, and back to therapy...BUTTTT
....the one MOST IMPORTANT thing that I can't seem to do, is get back into the mindset I was in the first time went thru this- I can't really explain it other than being a really solid commitment to self- like I would do ANYTHING it took because my life was so messed up...and I did- I was FED UP. Now, just going thru motions, and can't seem to define THIS awful moment as my bottom; keep sliding along.... !. I am JUST borderline managing life , and feel I could lose everything with a single misstep...and I feel so alone :-( I"m going to try out something they have here in Canada called "SMART Recovery" more of a CBT oriented program, without religious or cultish ferver (I hope) of AA. I mention it because reading your thread, it looks like you are kinda alone with all this- and from what I've experienced, getting help and meeting others has always been been helpful ...I wondered if recovery groups were something you had ever considered (may not have them where you are at). They have online meetings too, but it has been said that just being in the presence of another person raises seratonin levels in our brains (the right people of course, that could def backfire if wrong company ) so will go to actual in person mtg first ..will mention again if is helpful ....

TOC, I know this has been WAYYYY too long ( i edited it even, i sound a bit nuts!) but if you actually made it through my meanderings, I hope something may have been useful or relateable...! But as YOU know, sometimes it helps just to write it all out to get things straight in your own head. You reminded me of this, and I just wanted to congratulate you on all the positive steps you have made (regardless of any stumbles, we focus way too much on our mistakes instead of the successes!) And I also wanted to thank you again for your posts, you reminded me that I am not alone at all...and it's time I come out of my isolation closet.
 
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Codiene princess

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 7, 2018
Messages
56
Location
London
Hey Codiene Princess! I have been reading this thread and was gonna write to the guy who has been writing it but saw your post and wanted to say hello to you too.. I'm sorry you feel alone, I totally get it...our ailment --or disease-- of addiction (whatever you wanna call it) is brutal that way. I saw you didn't want to go to AA - where do you live? I am in Canada (Toronto Ontario) and we have something called SMART recovery meetings here (free). I am going to try it on Monday for first time. I got sober many years ago- haven't drank for 20+ years..however I was hit with the opiate bug and man o man it's a hard one to kick. What I realize from when I first got sober is that I have to get "active" in my recovery or nothing will feel any different. When I did go to AA it helped a lot- but there were parts of it that just didn't feel right and I left after about 10 years. But the things there that helped were meeting new people going through same thing, not feeling alone, and taking steps and making a commitment to getting better ..honestly I wasn't able to do it alone. So that's why I'm going to try these meetings- no religion factor, purely group CBT..which seems like a good mix. Apparently they have online meetings too. I will let u know if I find it helpful! Oh, and re what you said about guys hitting on you at AA- I actually had same problem, so I joined a group in my area that was primarily gay men and it SAVED my ARSE! I am from big city (not sure if you are in London UK or London Ontario - if London, UK, maybe they have some ? London Canda, may be a different story....:sneaky:) I also started going to womens meetings...which helped a lot- but that took some getting used to- and I had to feel better about myself first before I let any women in...was interesting process. Anyhoo just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. Lots of us here with you, and I hope all of us seeking clarity can find some success in trying to get clean (or cleaner!). Peace to you girl ❤ sorry for ramble hope something helps ;-) feel free to write back :)
Ah thanks so much for the response , I’m in the uk not near enough to London to go to meeting there which imo are so much better as there’s more choice of style .. some are more upmarket ( not a good choice of word at 5am) than others .
I’ve used AA over the years but to be honest it’s just never been updated the methodology Or the language , personally I ( and I’m a service user) associate it with older predominantly male drinkers.

it’s definately not young and vibrant but you can find that type of group in London.

I can’t believe it but I went last night I found a group in a nearby City and although the same it was helpful and I got some contacts 3 women who were really nice .
Thanks so much for your message I’m just working my way around these boards as it’s all changed compared with when I used to log in ..
Please keep in touch and thanks for the kind words xx
 
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