For the first time in a long time im actually optimistic
Hey there TOC! Been following your story.
Love how you have used the forum like a journal to sort out you feelings, experiences, highs and lows- it seems to really have helped. It's cool to see how you have progressed through ups and downs- it has ultimately been a trajectory in the right direction despite challenges which i m sure felt insurmountable. After reading your writings, I feel like I should make my musings/declarations out loud as well....as I'm struggling a fair bit...After having not had a drink for 20 years, now find myself addicted to opiates. Went on Suboxone which is not really ideal, albeit better than using street drugs - been about 7-8 months without using anything else (had one '
slip' which is reasonably decent). It was great to see you manage to not drink for lengthy periods, thru your posts. Also - was really touched reading about your daughter, and your desire to be there for her, and not miss her life which can happen in the blink of an eye. That is precious love, and you are so fortunate to be able to have it..to hold on to it....It was really sweet to hear that fatherhood motivates you to be a better man..... We all have to find the wonderful things that we have to get well for
You touched on so many things in your writings, that struck up many thoughts.....
One major part of me staying well/clean has always been exercise- best antidepressant ever actually- but due to injuries I became limited in my ability, and ended up with the pain killer problem and worse depression than ever, as I couldn't exercise way I needed to ARGH. I did AA for for the booze and it was helpful to get & stay clean (so much harder to stay sober than it is to quit, I find!) couldn't have done it alone. However there were some issues there I found hard to take; and finally left. Now need something since am struggling AGAIN with addiction to opiates- feels like i have 3 garbage cans with only 2 lids- one always stinks....whether it is food, pills, relationships, television- if there is possibility of overdoing something, i will. I have been seeing an addiction doctor who is AMAZING and see my General Physician, back on proper meds, and back to therapy...BUTTTT
....the one MOST IMPORTANT thing that I can't seem to do, is get back into the mindset I was in the first time went thru this- I can't really explain it other than being a really solid commitment to self- like I would do ANYTHING it took because my life was so messed up...and I did- I was FED UP. Now, just going thru motions, and can't seem to define THIS awful moment as my bottom; keep sliding along.... !. I am JUST borderline managing life , and feel I could lose everything with a single misstep...and I feel so alone :-( I"m going to try out something they have here in Canada called "SMART Recovery" more of a CBT oriented program, without religious or cultish ferver (I hope) of AA. I mention it because reading your thread, it looks like you are kinda alone with all this- and from what I've experienced, getting help and meeting others has always been been helpful ...I wondered if recovery groups were something you had ever considered (may not have them where you are at). They have online meetings too, but it has been said that just being in the presence of another person raises seratonin levels in our brains (the right people of course, that could def backfire if wrong company ) so will go to actual in person mtg first ..will mention again if is helpful ....
TOC, I know this has been WAYYYY too long ( i edited it even, i sound a bit nuts!) but if you actually made it through my meanderings, I hope something may have been useful or relateable...! But as YOU know, sometimes it helps just to write it all out to get things straight in your own head. You reminded me of this, and I just wanted to
congratulate you on all the positive steps you have made (regardless of any stumbles, we focus way too much on our mistakes instead of the successes!) And I also wanted to
thank you again for your posts, you reminded me that I am not alone at all...and it's time I come out of my isolation closet.