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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Pumpkin2021 said:
Hey Squeaky. People like us that take all of our prescribed medicine in the first 6 days of being issued said script are addicted to the meds. We try and fool ourselves that we need more to deal with our pain but we lie to ourselves. We have both admitted that when we run out our pain is still manageable with different things ( like kratom and weed ) so obviously we can deal with the pain without the script. You aren't alone as there are many on here that gobble up their scripts ( I have seen BL's that report eating them in as little as 3 days ). Because you are prescribed 30mg oxy you are one of the millions that got the most abusable little blue pill out there.

I know I sound like a broken record but you will never be able to take them as prescribed. You will binge on them every single month and go without for the remainder. It is just the nature of addiction. It doesn't make us bad people or a " junkie " or anything else. Oxy feels amazing. It is extremely abusable. Your only way off of the hamster wheel is to get your Doc to give you an ER formulation or to switch to a painkiller that helps your pain yet does not produce the euphoria that you seek. I know you say you don't get high off of them but I don't believe that entirely. Maybe not as high as you used to get but I know you still feel euphoria or you wouldn't gobble them up so quick.

You can continue to misuse the script or you can admit you have a problem. You actually already admitted you had a problem a few posts ago. You can start taking methadone to control your pain and the addiction. You can also get suboxone. Or you can stay on the Oxy and live your life as you have been. If you think that filling your script and giving them to someone else will work you will just manipulate that person to give them to you. Your wife in this instance. You can't fill the script and pretend they don't exist.

Changing meds or using your script as prescribed is the only way out. I am pretty sure you know that already. I'm pretty sure you have known that for a long time now. Read back through your posts on this really long thread and I think you will see what I mean.
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I know. And everything you said is basically true. I guess that last post was more of a rant just because I got something stuck in my head. I think my point was just that life shouldn’t have to suck.
Occasionally in the last couple of years I have seen some random person who clearly isn’t taking care of themselves. Morbidly obese, smoking like a chimney, drinking every day, etc. Walking down the street and clearly NOT in pain, sleeping like a baby. I get really angry. I did all of the right things and I still get to suffer. I haven’t been without pain for several years now, and I have slept good only a few times(on oxy) since Obama was president. The last straw is that the little blue pills work but only in huge quantities. Addict or not, it’s a shit situation and nobody is able to do anything except stamp a label on my forehead.
As for methadone..... Probably the worst idea I ever had was breaking my pills into quarters and taking a little every 2 hours. I was effectively on oxy 24/7 with no downtime in between. The psychological wd’s from that experiment were horrible and I became more tolerant to the meds. Ironically, the plan was to cut down my dosage and then slowly extend the time between doses but it really only made me need pills all day to not feel really depressed and get almost no pain relief. Methadone would be great if I was only dealing with wd’s, but I seem to do best if there is some downtime between pills throughout the day.
 
For the record, I’m at 10 days without pills and I’m still alive. I haven’t exploded and I’m still going to work every day. I know that I’m a little extra unhappy because of the wd’s, and I got on my soapbox yesterday and ranted a bit about the politics of pain in the US, but I’m basically back to normal at this point and I haven’t died. Clearly Pumpkin2021 can see the pattern of my ups and downs every month, tied to how quickly I burn through my prescription.
I am not oblivious to the far-reaching side effects of the pills. I know that I am addicted to them, both physically and psychologically.

I’m just exhausted and scared. I’m too young to retire and too broken to keep working. 3 doctors have said that I’m more than 70% disabled but I’m the only bread-winner in my household and permanent disability won’t be enough to pay the rent. I am my family’s everything-mechanic, plumber, gardener, etc. And those responsibilities don’t go away just because I don’t feel good today. Yesterday at work, I had to deadlift 110 lbs, 32 times, before 10am. That was a normal day at work, and then I had to mow the lawn when I got home (imagine how angry I was when my physical therapist said I need to ‘strengthen’ my core).

Life isn’t all blue sky and roses. I get that better than most people. Hunger, pain, death..... they’re all part of living and it’s not rational to expect a little pill to solve all my problems. But even someone who has been through an addiction to pills would struggle to understand my situation. The only solutions my doctors can offer (disability, surgery, more pills) would most likely make everything worse and everything has unintended consequences.
I don’t want a handout, I use BlueLight to vent. My aches and pains feel like I’m stuck on an airplane with a crying baby and I get really desperate when I remember that the plane is NEVER going to land. Addicted or not.... oxycodone works to stop my pain. It lands the airplane and shuts the baby’s mouth, even if it’s only for a little while.
 
Squeaky said:
I know. And everything you said is basically true. I guess that last post was more of a rant just because I got something stuck in my head. I think my point was just that life shouldn’t have to suck.
Occasionally in the last couple of years I have seen some random person who clearly isn’t taking care of themselves. Morbidly obese, smoking like a chimney, drinking every day, etc. Walking down the street and clearly NOT in pain, sleeping like a baby. I get really angry. I did all of the right things and I still get to suffer. I haven’t been without pain for several years now, and I have slept good only a few times(on oxy) since Obama was president. The last straw is that the little blue pills work but only in huge quantities. Addict or not, it’s a shit situation and nobody is able to do anything except stamp a label on my forehead.
As for methadone..... Probably the worst idea I ever had was breaking my pills into quarters and taking a little every 2 hours. I was effectively on oxy 24/7 with no downtime in between. The psychological wd’s from that experiment were horrible and I became more tolerant to the meds. Ironically, the plan was to cut down my dosage and then slowly extend the time between doses but it really only made me need pills all day to not feel really depressed and get almost no pain relief. Methadone would be great if I was only dealing with wd’s, but I seem to do best if there is some downtime between pills throughout the day.
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Methadone isn't just for withdrawls. Methadone is a very strong opioid and I hear it controls pain quite well. You don't have to join an MMT clinic and drink the juice. Your Dr. that prescribes the oxy might switch to methadone tablets if you asked. The methadone tablets might also help you with the psychological addiction as well. I know that you need pain control and I know you want to have 30 days worth and not just 6 or less every month. Switching painkillers might be your saving grace.
 
Squeaky said:
For the record, I’m at 10 days without pills and I’m still alive. I haven’t exploded and I’m still going to work every day. I know that I’m a little extra unhappy because of the wd’s, and I got on my soapbox yesterday and ranted a bit about the politics of pain in the US, but I’m basically back to normal at this point and I haven’t died. Clearly Pumpkin2021 can see the pattern of my ups and downs every month, tied to how quickly I burn through my prescription.
I am not oblivious to the far-reaching side effects of the pills. I know that I am addicted to them, both physically and psychologically.

I’m just exhausted and scared. I’m too young to retire and too broken to keep working. 3 doctors have said that I’m more than 70% disabled but I’m the only bread-winner in my household and permanent disability won’t be enough to pay the rent. I am my family’s everything-mechanic, plumber, gardener, etc. And those responsibilities don’t go away just because I don’t feel good today. Yesterday at work, I had to deadlift 110 lbs, 32 times, before 10am. That was a normal day at work, and then I had to mow the lawn when I got home (imagine how angry I was when my physical therapist said I need to ‘strengthen’ my core).

Life isn’t all blue sky and roses. I get that better than most people. Hunger, pain, death..... they’re all part of living and it’s not rational to expect a little pill to solve all my problems. But even someone who has been through an addiction to pills would struggle to understand my situation. The only solutions my doctors can offer (disability, surgery, more pills) would most likely make everything worse and everything has unintended consequences.
I don’t want a handout, I use BlueLight to vent. My aches and pains feel like I’m stuck on an airplane with a crying baby and I get really desperate when I remember that the plane is NEVER going to land. Addicted or not.... oxycodone works to stop my pain. It lands the airplane and shuts the baby’s mouth, even if it’s only for a little while.
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The plane always lands. Whether it is bumpy or smooth depends how well the pilot ( YOU ) control the levers. It is in your power to change your destination but you have to really want to. I know you want to most of the time and ranting is for sure a good way to get your emotions on the table. For now you want to keep your oxy, and boy do I ever know where you are coming from. That blanket has kept many an addict warm and cozy. My blanket only resides on my bed now and not in my mind, but it took me 30 years to replace the two. Don't know how old you are but don't wake up one morning at 60 and realize that you let your pills dictate how your life went. It is a rude awakening and will crush your soul. You have time to change things if you really want to.
 
Also, read your first thread from 2016 and now compare that post to your recent posts. You have been battling this for 5 years now. And the clock is still ticking. You are happy and pain free for 6 days out of every 30. The remaining 24 days you are unhappy, miserable, in withdrawl, and generally not a happy camper. In the last 5 years you have had 30 days of enjoying your oxy with the other 1500 days or so wishing you had more. I would say that MMT was built for you but I know you reject it. MMT would provide pain relief and curb your addiction but you have to be amenable to its efficacy. I do hope that you can change your mindset.
 
Pumpkin2021 said:
Methadone isn't just for withdrawls. Methadone is a very strong opioid and I hear it controls pain quite well. You don't have to join an MMT clinic and drink the juice. Your Dr. that prescribes the oxy might switch to methadone tablets if you asked. The methadone tablets might also help you with the psychological addiction as well. I know that you need pain control and I know you want to have 30 days worth and not just 6 or less every month. Switching painkillers might be your saving
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I have been on other opiates. Morphine, Hydrocodone, codeine, even loperamide. Oxy is the only one that provides pain relief.
I have given up on trying new therapies. I appreciate the input but I have been seriously screwed by well-meaning Dr’s, and while they’re playing musical chairs with my pain management I’m left to figure it out on my own.
Methadone’s big difference is that has a long half life. MMT works because an addict can be given a single dose and it will last long enough to leave the dispensary and go to work, so they don’t need to be trusted with more than one and their withdrawals will be gone for the day. Methadone for pain management work for some, but morphine works for basically every person alive and it did absolutely nothing to me.
As you pointed out, its been 5 years (actually 7). I have been through a lot of combinations of Dr’s and drugs. I have been screwed several times and I’m not rocking the boat if I can avoid it.
 
Pumpkin2021 said:
Also, read your first thread from 2016 and now compare that post to your recent posts. You have been battling this for 5 years now. And the clock is still ticking. You are happy and pain free for 6 days out of every 30. The remaining 24 days you are unhappy, miserable, in withdrawl, and generally not a happy camper. In the last 5 years you have had 30 days of enjoying your oxy with the other 1500 days or so wishing you had more. I would say that MMT was built for you but I know you reject it. MMT would provide pain relief and curb your addiction but you have to be amenable to its efficacy. I do hope that you can change your mindset.
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There’s another way of seeing this. Methadone would mean I’m stoned 24/7. Right now I am getting over a week of heavy oxy use, basically every month. One week on, three weeks off. Clearly it means I can exist without it but I keep choosing not to. The withdrawals from using even small amounts every day, all day, are absolutely miserable. I have done it both ways and getting over the short-term heavy use is 100 times easier than even a long-term 10mg/day habit.
My ultimate goal is a life without this crap. No more doctors or pharmacies. No more pain. Believe it or not, as miserable as I have been, this business of running out in a week has been working better that anything else I have tried. The psychological effects of these pills last several weeks after months of daily use. If I wasn’t running out every month then I would have no knowledge of what real life feels like.
One day when I look back on all of the pills, I want to remember being miserable. The easiest way to cure an addiction is to find a legitimate reason to hate it.
 
Make no mistake here, I’m not in denial about my situation. But there’s a fine line between addiction and dependence. My psychological health needs to be considered as well. With everything I have been through, the stress of the politics of pain management, and the things I deal with on a daily basis, I was ready to end it all long before I ever started running out.

Right now I have hope. The only other time I have been optimistic about this mess was a few days after my first surgery. (Then a couple weeks later one of my implants moved and rubbed into my spinal cord for 6 months. All hope was lost!) Years of feeling like death would be better than this life.

Also, spending the next 40 years wishing I could have my little blue pills back won’t work for me. Every time I think about it I’m gonna get angry, sad, etc.... If I can get to where I hate the side effects then I can go back to using them responsibly, as needed, and definitely not every day.

Or not...... maybe I’ll never get there. Maybe the only answer is to stop getting my script filled. Maybe I’ll have to live in pain without pain management because I can’t use the pills responsibly. Maybe I’m just screwed, but that’s something I need to understand for myself or none of this can ever change.
 
Squeaky said:
That’s a huge drop! Too many people resolve themselves to a lifetime of bupe or methadone as if there’s no possible other solution. The work is miserable but really worth it.
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Yeah, I didn't do it all at once. I was on it for a decent amount of time, but not years or anything. Just a few months. I'm sure it's much more difficult if you've been on it for years.
 
Recently I realized that I spend too much time counting how many months I have been on the roller coaster. Then I get buried in regret about how far ahead I’d be if I had just made a change last month, or last year. Then I get my prescription filled and tell myself that’s it only one day, then two, then I’ll get back on track after the weekend, and so on. Then I go through withdrawals, and then blah blah blah.... Next thing I know its refill day and I make all of the same promises to myself, and get angry at myself all over again when I fail, and the roller coaster goes for another round.
I need to somehow forgive myself for my failures in the past and start looking only forward. For good or bad, I can’t keep using my prescription to make me feel less guilty about using ny prescription.
On top of all the problems I have that are legitimate, the guilt is just gasoline on a fire. I hope that if I can just be patient and not blame myself, one day I will look back and be proud of the work I put in to it. Maybe on that day I will be able to see more clearly that no amount of water can undo the damage from playing with matches.

I was really close to doing that last month. That’s why I came clean finally to my wife. I am positive that the guilt and shame I have been carrying would make me want ‘just one day of comfort’ before quitting for good. Which is about the dumbest thing I can do since I had several days of comfort 3 weeks ago, and the month before that, and the month before that, etc.
 
5th time is a charm......
I’m trying to load s couple of pics of my surgery on my lower back. L3-S1. 20 screws, 3 cages, 2 rods, and a partridge in a pear tree. The first pic is one of the cages, a little smaller that a box of tic-tac’s. The second and third are xrays from the same day, one from the front and one from the side

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3 Bluelight ideas | jumper cables, convenience store products, vehicle jumper cables

Apr 24, 2021 - Explore Bluelight Pics's board "Bluelight" on Pinterest. See more ideas about jumper cables, convenience store products, vehicle jumper cables.
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Most people who know me can’t believe I still go to work and actually work. Folks around me start whining about how hard the work is and I usually whip out my phone, show the xrays, and they quickly stop complaining.
 
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I got my prescription filled yesterday, and I’m not using it. I was hoping my wife would be more aggressive about taking it away from me, but I still have it in my possession. Thankfully it didn’t take me long to get past the desire to take a couple. I spent only about 20 minutes running through scenarios in my head where I end up justifying using the pills, and then I let it go.
It’s not as difficult so far as I expected. I’m a major creature of habit, so NOT indulging is like learning a foreign language. I am a man of my word however, so that is driving me to change. Couple that with knowing I would burn through them in a week and then suffer through wds again..... It’s not driving me as crazy as previous months..
 
Squeaky said:
I got my prescription filled yesterday, and I’m not using it. I was hoping my wife would be more aggressive about taking it away from me, but I still have it in my possession. Thankfully it didn’t take me long to get past the desire to take a couple. I spent only about 20 minutes running through scenarios in my head where I end up justifying using the pills, and then I let it go.
It’s not as difficult so far as I expected. I’m a major creature of habit, so NOT indulging is like learning a foreign language. I am a man of my word however, so that is driving me to change. Couple that with knowing I would burn through them in a week and then suffer through wds again..... It’s not driving me as crazy as previous months..
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Good work Squeaky, hoping for the best for you.
 
Squeaky said:
I got my prescription filled yesterday, and I’m not using it. I was hoping my wife would be more aggressive about taking it away from me, but I still have it in my possession. Thankfully it didn’t take me long to get past the desire to take a couple. I spent only about 20 minutes running through scenarios in my head where I end up justifying using the pills, and then I let it go.
It’s not as difficult so far as I expected. I’m a major creature of habit, so NOT indulging is like learning a foreign language. I am a man of my word however, so that is driving me to change. Couple that with knowing I would burn through them in a week and then suffer through wds again..... It’s not driving me as crazy as previous months..
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Great to hear. I would, however, be more proactive in giving them to your wife. I know you want to be a man of your word but I honestly think you will cave and they will be gone by May 3rd. You just can't change your compulsive behavior to eat them all until gone in this short of a time frame. I am NOT doubting the fact that you WANT to change your behavior, only doubting the time frame.

I realize you might think this is a " non supportive post ". But I read ALL of this thread and I know in my heart that the kind of behavior that you have exhibited with your pills cannot be changed by will alone. The fact that you filled the script and are still in possession of it is problematic.

You have been living with withdrawls for many years. One more time won't deter you. You have comfort meds to ease that. If you can't read through this thread AGAIN and see what you write over and over I can't say anything that will change your mind. I'm not a mod so I can say what I feel and although I never want to be judgmental or seem like I don't care I also take into consideration that past behavior does not change in this short of time. I wish people would just admit that they love the oxy high and will never give up their script nor use it as directed.
 
Pumpkin2021 said:
Great to hear. I would, however, be more proactive in giving them to your wife. I know you want to be a man of your word but I honestly think you will cave and they will be gone by May 3rd. You just can't change your compulsive behavior to eat them all until gone in this short of a time frame. I am NOT doubting the fact that you WANT to change your behavior, only doubting the time frame.

I realize you might think this is a " non supportive post ". But I read ALL of this thread and I know in my heart that the kind of behavior that you have exhibited with your pills cannot be changed by will alone. The fact that you filled the script and are still in possession of it is problematic.

You have been living with withdrawls for many years. One more time won't deter you. You have comfort meds to ease that. If you can't read through this thread AGAIN and see what you write over and over I can't say anything that will change your mind. I'm not a mod so I can say what I feel and although I never want to be judgmental or seem like I don't care I also take into consideration that past behavior does not change in this short of time. I wish people would just admit that they love the oxy high and will never give up their script no
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I’ll get there. If this doesn’t work then I have lost one month. It it does then great. If I’m not willing to try, then I might as well give up.
 
Squeaky said:
I’ll get there. If this doesn’t work then I have lost one month. It it does then great. If I’m not willing to try, then I might as well give up.
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I really want you to succeed. I don't want you to have to feel so defeated month after month. I care so much and am hard on you because I did the same exact thing you are doing. Every month for many years over and over. It just felt so wrong somehow to live that way. I know you feel the same way.

It was all or nothing with me and I think you are just like me. I wanted it all and suffered when I had none. I don't know if you suffer but I know you are unhappy with your usage.It was my only way out. I knew I would never give it up otherwise. <3 <3

I really am rooting for you. This shit is hard. Hardest thing I ever did was say no more and never got the script filled again.
 
Thank you for the kind words Pumpkin.
Here’s the reality (or at least today’s reality)...... If I can’t find a way to hate those pills then I won’t ever be able to move on without a lifetime of ‘remembering the good old days’.
I clearly remember getting way too drunk on Jack Daniel’s about 20 years ago. I got sick and puked up everything for the whole next day. It didn’t turn me off of alcohol, but I couldn’t even think of JD for 2 decades without getting nauseous. Even when I was drinking every day, I would choose to NOT drink Jack even if it was the only booze in the house because of the memory of how crappy I felt. On the other hand, I gave up Coka Cola for a few years and I craved it desperately until I finally just gave up and now I drink Coke every day again.
My goal is for the pills to be like Jack Daniel’s, not Coke. I know myself enough to say that even if I cut myself off completely from access to the pills I will be so focused on the good memories of pain relief that I will forever crave the pills. So far I am very focused on how they have damaged my life that I have almost no desire to use them at all, not even for what they’re prescribed to me for.
I do believe that the whole abstinence/12 step lifestyle works for a lot of people but there’s a huge group of people who will never get away from their demons by just saying ’no’ and going to a meeting. Sometimes the only solution is to let them hit rock bottom. Usually that means some jail time, but my hope is that the way I felt last month will be my ‘rock bottom’. Particularly because I will most likely have more surgeries/screws/etc in my future, and that will mean more pills and another trip on this roller coaster if I can’t convince myself on a very primitive level that it’s better to be in pain than to deal with the fallout of long term opiate use. When I can see that more clearly and I have learned other ways of dealing with my pain HOPEFULLY I will be able to use them when necessary and not hurt myself any more.

I know that sounds like an addict justifying future drug use, but make no mistake—- If I can’t get through this month without craving my pills every day, I’m going to let my wife lock up my pills with direct instructions to not give them to me except for an absolute emergency and stop seeing my Dr. And she’s stubborn as hell, so I don’t need to police myself. She won’t ever let me bully her into giving them back unless I’m bleeding from my eveballs.
 
Okay. Let's establish that you need your pills for pain and that you want to use them wisely. Re-read what you just wrote and compare it to what you wrote LAST month about giving the pills to your wife THIS month. Kind of the same post. You wanted to relinquish them and didn't. So NEXT month you are going to, right?

Your wife may be stubborn as hell but I doubt she will keep them from you. She hasn't intervened in 7 years so what makes you think she will now?

I want to offer you support and help you but I don't see any commitment here. How many have you taken since you filled the script? How many will you take today? Tomorrow?

You do realize that by me responding to these posts every month saying the same thing over and over that I am doing with my words what you are doing with your pills.

I'm gonna bow out for a bit on this post because I am starting to mirror your behavior and I'm uncomfortable doing that.

But I will always care about your well being and hope that you can use your pills as directed.
 
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