• TDS Moderators: mafioso | mal3volent | Xorkoth

⫸STICKY⫷ The Suicide Support Thread

tremours

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 26, 2010
Messages
1,326
it seems like all i have left is drinking, even if it most of the time it just makes depressed and sick. but its really all i have left. drinking alone everyday is pretty depressing. . but iv'e isolated myself so much i have no friends left. most days i feel like giving up, but part of me knows if i really tried to cut the drinking back and get healthier i could be alot better. but i keep on drinking
 

mal3volent

Moderator: TDS, S&G, TL
Staff member
Joined
Jun 6, 2011
Messages
8,304
it seems like all i have left is drinking, even if it most of the time it just makes depressed and sick. but its really all i have left. drinking alone everyday is pretty depressing. . but iv'e isolated myself so much i have no friends left. most days i feel like giving up, but part of me knows if i really tried to cut the drinking back and get healthier i could be alot better. but i keep on drinking
I'm trying too man, it's hard. Have you lost all your friends for real or just haven't talked to them in a while? I cut myself off from pretty much everyone for a long time. Everybody goes through rough patches. Maybe this will help you figure out who is really gonna be there for you whenever you decide to reach out.
 

tremours

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 26, 2010
Messages
1,326
some i lost, some i cut myself off from, though when i say i haven't talked to them in awhile in means anywhere from around 5-10 years. when i went through my homeless period is when i lost all of them, then in the past 4-5 years since i've gotten out of that i've just isolated myself. iv'e never been very social, but now besides work i don't really talk to anyone besides my family
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,922
Location
in a dream
Hey tremours, what you are going through is akin to starvation. We need closeness with other people as much as we need food and water. Sure, people have different levels of need but nobody's need is at zero. Lately, I've lost some good friends (from moves out of state to strokes) and for the first time in many years am confronting a certain degree of isolation not of my choosing. It is definitely hard and I salute you for writing about it. One thing I have found useful is to get involved with people who may be even more isolated than I. Another thing I am doing is to force myself out into new situations (low-cost community classes that interest me, a free film discussion group, community activism about issues I care about). These do not provide what true friendship provides but they do address the isolation and allow me to not focus so much on just my own situation. I also can't say enough about having a pet--is that a possibility for you?
I know that you are already aware of how the drinking can cement the isolation into place but you may not feel strong enough right now to tackle it. Sometimes just staying aware of a problem and not feeding the denial is a pretty heroic first step.
One more thought...does your work provide health care benefits and if so, do they include counseling or therapy? Atherapist is no substitute for friends but it can certainly be helpful to sort out ways we sabotage ourselves with our own thinking.
 

tremours

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 26, 2010
Messages
1,326
one thing i've wanted to do for a long time is get cat, i know its not much of a goal but hopefully in the near future. lately i've been trying to go out more,, because i know this isolation isn't good for me.
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,922
Location
in a dream
I'd be a "crazy cat lady" if I had the space and $$ for it. I just have one cat now, but she is a good buddy. I hope you can get one soon. Right now our local SPCA has a lot of cats and kittens and they are having a really cheap special that includes the kitten shots and spay/neuter (which can normally cost a lot).
 

zombiesarepeaceful

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 2, 2006
Messages
2,477
Location
off the grid
I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't kill myself. Not now anyway. This summer I found a cat on the side of the road that was dying and I tried to save it but it had to be put down. It had a collar, it was someone's pet yet it had to die without its owner there with it. It broke my heart but when I had to watch that cat die, I told myself that I would be there for my own cats until the very end, until they die. I'm their cat dad and the person who has always been in their lives, and it would break their little hearts if I killed myself. They're not close with any other humans like they are with me. I can't do that to them. It's not a very solid reason not to kill myself....but it's something.
 

mal3volent

Moderator: TDS, S&G, TL
Staff member
Joined
Jun 6, 2011
Messages
8,304
I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't kill myself. Not now anyway. This summer I found a cat on the side of the road that was dying and I tried to save it but it had to be put down. It had a collar, it was someone's pet yet it had to die without its owner there with it. It broke my heart but when I had to watch that cat die, I told myself that I would be there for my own cats until the very end, until they die. I'm their cat dad and the person who has always been in their lives, and it would break their little hearts if I killed myself. They're not close with any other humans like they are with me. I can't do that to them. It's not a very solid reason not to kill myself....but it's something.
I found a baby mouse in my parking lot that was all alone a few months ago. It was next to death, couldn't even move. Alive but just barely twitching. Not sure what happened to it. I picked it up and walked it down in the grass by some trees. I sat with it there for like an hour before it died. Seemed to me he was more comfortable there in the cool grass than he would have been in the sun on the pavement. It broke my heart thinking about him getting separated from his family but I was still glad I had found him before he was allowed to suffer any further.

It takes a lot of courage to decide to live your life day by day, no matter what the reasons.
 
Last edited:

nuttynutskin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 15, 2011
Messages
8,364
I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't kill myself. Not now anyway. This summer I found a cat on the side of the road that was dying and I tried to save it but it had to be put down. It had a collar, it was someone's pet yet it had to die without its owner there with it. It broke my heart but when I had to watch that cat die, I told myself that I would be there for my own cats until the very end, until they die. I'm their cat dad and the person who has always been in their lives, and it would break their little hearts if I killed myself. They're not close with any other humans like they are with me. I can't do that to them. It's not a very solid reason not to kill myself....but it's something.
Seems like a good reason to me... Cats and animals in general are great for companions obviously, and I've found having something that depends on you can help you to get outside of yourself and your own problems.
 

Hezman94

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 19, 2018
Messages
403
Location
insanity
im not upset or owt im fed up hae been for nine years.
dependent on morphine pregabalin diazepam
fibromyalgia
bpd
bipolar
quasi psychosis
smoked ccannabis for ten years
myy teeth r fucked so i cnt get a girlfriend./
and i kinda dont want one everyone seems fake only i seem real.
i got bpd but people been describing me as a socipath
i have a feeling i might of turned into one
i am extremelhy violent when i get going
i have a natural charm
i dont feel empath7y like i use too
i feel numb and coldd
I dont try top myself cos i cant do tht to myfather
 

Snowy_Hell

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 12, 2017
Messages
155
Location
Eastern Europe
it seems like all i have left is drinking, even if it most of the time it just makes depressed and sick. but its really all i have left. drinking alone everyday is pretty depressing. . but iv'e isolated myself so much i have no friends left. most days i feel like giving up, but part of me knows if i really tried to cut the drinking back and get healthier i could be alot better. but i keep on drinking
That's a lot like my own problems. I've lost excuses to have hope, I've lost all of my courage and curiosity, ability to be happy, ability to cry and be sad. I've pretty much burned all bridges to people around me, even my own family. Now the state seeks to turn me into yet another psychiatric ward bunny, a lifer that lives because it has no access to sharp objects or a rope, numbed with drugs, eating garbage in a place covered with excrement and mosquitoes. There won't be new spring of my youth, there won't be money for going to gym, there won't be a woman, and no love. Perhaps solitude fucked me up the most. I crave company but don't seem to be able not to creep or disgust people out.
 

Snowy_Hell

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 12, 2017
Messages
155
Location
Eastern Europe
many apologies. I would have left the first post up but I think enough people saw it.

I didn't mean to come off the way I did mal. I can't respond to people well when I'm not feeling well and that was short sighted of me, and I was wrong, I am sorry.

having such an distasteful personality and chronic mental disease is probably why I should 'get help' in the first place but am just not going to.
Say, what mental illness besets you? I have borderline, schizoaffective-depressive disorder, and developmental PTSD, with a cluster of neuroses, phobias and OCD.
 

Snowy_Hell

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 12, 2017
Messages
155
Location
Eastern Europe
@Snowy_Hell, how are you, man? The state seeks you out? Did you recieved any letter or visit that says something like this?
Yes, I have a court pending and after that, they'll probably shove me into a "prolonged treatment" psychiatric program.
I'm better now, recovering my brain from binging on speed some days ago.
 

Snowy_Hell

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 12, 2017
Messages
155
Location
Eastern Europe
As you may normally know, no one really seeks you out for no reason, especially the Gov, read that letter all way to the bottom.
I know. I did something stupid while coming down from a binge, have tested positive for amphetamines, and consequently, have been marked as a loon to be locked away for about a year.
 

Shady's Fox

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 12, 2017
Messages
2,182
Location
Palm trees & sea, just walkin along the beach.
Pfft.. that fuckin sucks, dunno if you know but once we had Legal Discussions. Some of the tips there might not be available now because laws change daily and.. would worth a little peak there, I say. I don't think you will be locked away though depending on the context it might leave you some fine and another black spot on ur rap sheet. You can still get out, belive me, just use the proper words. I walked through courts in my life.. pha, I don't even wanna think again.
 

PMS

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 3, 2012
Messages
128
I just about think I've decided to end my life, by heroin overdose.

I've been a long time junkie and mental pasient, with schizophrenia. Life doesn't seem to bring me any good feelings, it's just meaningless pain. I've been single and lonely my entire life, and girls don't seem to like me, I guess because of my genetics, lack of money, everything. So my #1 "meaning of life" seems unattainable. For some reason, the idea of not having to live, gives me great relief.

I'll give it time over the winter, as I'm going to be in a drug rehab facility. To see what I feel like when next year comes.

If family and friends really care about me, I guess they'd rather see me "happy and dead" than alive and miserable. So. The only reason I'm still alive today, is that I haven't been able to procure enough good heroin and pills, to "execute the execution" my preferred way.

I'm not asking for sympathy or any reactions to this post, I just wanted to write down my thoughts.
 

nuttynutskin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 15, 2011
Messages
8,364
I just about think I've decided to end my life, by heroin overdose.

I've been a long time junkie and mental pasient, with schizophrenia. Life doesn't seem to bring me any good feelings, it's just meaningless pain. I've been single and lonely my entire life, and girls don't seem to like me, I guess because of my genetics, lack of money, everything. So my #1 "meaning of life" seems unattainable. For some reason, the idea of not having to live, gives me great relief.

I'll give it time over the winter, as I'm going to be in a drug rehab facility. To see what I feel like when next year comes.

If family and friends really care about me, I guess they'd rather see me "happy and dead" than alive and miserable. So. The only reason I'm still alive today, is that I haven't been able to procure enough good heroin and pills, to "execute the execution" my preferred way.

I'm not asking for sympathy or any reactions to this post, I just wanted to write down my thoughts.
Live for music man, it's what I'm essentially doing. There must be some things that you enjoy doing. Also, I'm sure that being addicted heroin isn't doing your mental health any favors. I was suicidal when I was deep in the throes of alcoholism and I can tell you things are so much better without being addicted to a substance! It helped in the beginning but eventually just made everything a lot worse.
 
Top