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⫸STICKY⫷ The Suicide Support Thread

Abject

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Dec 14, 2012
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1,614
Apathy is the worst
I've been feeling pretty alone lately
I don't know what's keeping me here anymore
 

EscapeFromFreedom

Greenlighter
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Apr 28, 2017
Messages
25
Feeling extremely despairing and scared. Been far too long in the throes of a really devastating benzo widthrawal/SSRI withdrawal syndrome. I've made a lot of tapering progress, but it's just a bare-bones survival experience. Homebound, panicked out of my mind, unstable on any combination of meds. Just living one day at a time. That's really all I can do. I look at my life before I took the first Ativan, and even though the fear/panic I felt back then justified taking it, things and life got so much worse that I wish I never got caught in this cruel, insidious chemical trap. I had not believed that a person can feel this much fear. It is completely off the charts and feels impossible to endure. Yet, somehow, I am still here.
 

herbavore

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@Abject: I'm really sorry that you are feeling so despairing, Abject. Is there anything you could do to make the "here" different since you are feeling so disconnected? (I'm responding to where you say, "...don't know why here anymore). I hope you can see some change soon.<3

@EscapeFromFreedom:benzo withdrawal is a notorious hell and I think you can minimize it by constantly reminding yourself that these are not your real emotions--they are a result of chemical withdrawal and they will pass. Agony to go through, I know, but I hope you can hang in there because getting to the other side of this is going to feel like heaven.<3
 

Maximas55

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Joined
Jul 31, 2018
Messages
3
it takes time and goal setting. some people use suboxon to wean themselves off of it but ive seen people stay on subs for years. sometimes they live healthy lives but it only takes missing your dose for a couple days to start a relapse.
 

Abject

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 14, 2012
Messages
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Thanks herbie
There are lots of things I want to change about the here, though none to add meaning/purpose/value.
I've had a pretty rough few months, starting with a house fire and unjust institutionalisation. I spent over a fortnight in essentially the high security Ward at our asylum, I think 5 nurses to 12 patients with 15 minute rounds.
I was on 10mg of lorazepam daily as well as neuroleptics and valproate (the only psych drug I've liked)
Since discharge I've been on the streets, and my friends aren't half as decent people I thought them to be.
My family seems pretty dark on me because of the house fire and there's not really anywhere I can turn for reprieve.
Everything to enrich my life costs money and I can barely get by without escaping sobriety somehow.
Because I got a depot injection of olanzapine as a prerequisite to leaving the asylum I've been focused on using meth (it's also the best antidepressant I've tried) which happens to be ridiculously expensive where I live, I won't name prices but on government allowance you can't even afford a ball with your entire paycheck.
I've done a little reflection on where to draw the line for self defence and have decided to respect myself and my dignity over my conscience for fuckwits.
It's been ages since we've spoke but I appreciate the response.
I hope you've been doing well! <3
 

zombiesarepeaceful

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Oct 2, 2006
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off the grid
Hi all.
It's been a struggle recently due to me quitting my job because of depression. I thought I would feel better but now I just feel worse due to worrying about money.
I was put on lexapro and gabapentin by my psychiatrist, but I don't think they're the right meds for me. I haven't really been taking either of them. I thought maybe the psych ward would be a better idea for me due to me being basically unable to function right now, and my issues with medication compliance but I can't go to the psych ward because I have cats and can't leave them alone.
I'm not exactly suicidal...I just...have intrusive thoughts about killing myself sometimes. I'm way too scared of dying to ever attempt suicide. I feel completely hopeless about the future of my mental health right now. But I keep trudging on.
Sometimes I wonder about committing myself for the intrusive suicidal thoughts but eh, idk. I think the truth is I want help, and it seems like the whole world of psychiatric medicine doesn't take you seriously until you want to kill yourself. But if they gave a shit about your mental health before then, you wouldn't have got to that point.
 

herbavore

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Zombies, being a cat devotee myself I am always touched by your selfless dedication to your cats despite what you are going through yourself. I hate that horrible veil that gets thrown between a person and life when depression takes over. I'm really sorry you are suffering. Don't you wish we could be like cats and simplify our needs down to food, water, a comfy spot to get some sun and, as icing on the cake, a good human to bond with?<3
 

zombiesarepeaceful

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Zombies, being a cat devotee myself I am always touched by your selfless dedication to your cats despite what you are going through yourself. I hate that horrible veil that gets thrown between a person and life when depression takes over. I'm really sorry you are suffering. Don't you wish we could be like cats and simplify our needs down to food, water, a comfy spot to get some sun and, as icing on the cake, a good human to bond with?<3
Cats are literally everything good in life (well, and drugs)
 

Abject

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Dec 14, 2012
Messages
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I never thought I'd feel so alone this young. I really hope I get to connect with somebody before I die.
I'm off the streets now, too, but I'm not sure how much better (or worse) that's going to make things.
I hope you're doing better than I am.
This, too, shall pass.
 

herbavore

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I never thought I would feel so alone at the age I am now, Abject. I expected my husband and I to live into our eighties together. I thought my friends and I would also grow old together. Now good, life-long friends are moving away to be near children or grandchildren and my husband has passed away and my best friend in the world has cancer. You know I have always talked a lot about loneliness--about befriending it, making it familiar and even comfortable when it comes. I am having to hold myself to my own words lately. Life is always, if nothing else, humbling.:\<3
 

14YearsOfFlux

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2016
Messages
101
Hi, herbivore.

It?s been a long time. 2 years. But you were a BIG apart of helping me get sober on this forum, so for what it?s worth, I think you?re awesome and if you need anything, I?m only a few keystrokes away.
 

madness00

Moderator: NMI, MH, CD
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Aug 8, 2018
Messages
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New England
I haven't felt this depressed for years.

I went off my bipolar medications for three days because i forgot to bring them with me on my vacation to a friends wedding. At the wedding, i got kicked out for being belligerent. I'm currently homeless, broke, and jobless due to criminal charges.

I am only 27, and feel like i could very well end up in the "27 club".

To make matters worse, the only friend i have who lives in close proximity to me (aside from my best friend who's wedding i ruined) cut me off today when i needed him. I needed a bump of crystal until i got my dose of medication that i missed, and he ignored my text.

So now i'm listening to Semi-Charmed Life on repeat and tearing up as i sing along.

I really wish i was with a hot girl right now who could do a hot shot with me, and sooth this pain.

:|
 

zombiesarepeaceful

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I've been mentally listing the pros and cons of being alive, and the cons are definitely outnumbering the pros.

I don't want to die, but I want to fucking die....you feel me?
 
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madness00

Moderator: NMI, MH, CD
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^ Yes, i feel you.

Maybe take a vacation, meet new people, change your routine in some way. Have a new experience.. there's so much out there you haven't done yet.

And in regards to my post, i feel a lot better after getting my meds, so no worries about me for now.
 

Abject

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Dec 14, 2012
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I've been mentally listing the pros and cons of being alive, and the cons are definitely outnumbering the pros.
In life you've got opportunity, potential;
In death there's only escape.

I definitely feel you. I want to want to live, but no amount of reason or logic will overcome emotion ime.
It's okay (or even good) to think of hope, even (or especially) when you can't feel it.
Forget how you'd get there and the likelihood for the moment and just think of a life circumstance that's tolerable, preferable to death.

I can think of better circumstances for myself but in the mean time I'm left to deal with reality and the seeming lack of routes to achieving better circumstances at this point
 

chinup

Takes Pictures Sometimes
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Aug 1, 2010
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Greatest city on Earth
the enormity of what i've done to my life is hitting me.

i went and looked at a rehab today for what i've established by talking to others is a severe addiction to crack, plus heroin (which i'm more upset about giving up, and i was a functioning heroin addict damn it), i wanted to look at others but partly as a delaying tactic to enable me to indulge my addictions a bit longer. i went to NA and they set me straight. I came back to my parents and said I want to go in in just over 2 weeks, and gave myself a 2.5 day window at mine in which i can use.

i have to give them lasting power of attorney and just ended up in tears realising how badly i've fucked up that they are justified to ask for this. its that or default on all of my bills and risk losing my houses and make the climb out of this hole even bigger. according to UK law i already lack the mental capacity for me to appoint them but i hope we can pretend somehow i do so they don't have to go through a court.

they've gone to bed and i'm drinking and eating diaz cos thats what i've got here and am still in tears. i've taken risks of contracting HIV multiple times and i didn't even care.

i don't know where i'm going with this post but i hope its self explanatory given that i'm in the suicide thread. i just don't know if i can do this. i've lost almost everything and now i'm losing the only things that helped me cope with losing everything, that lost me everything.
 

Buspersons Holiday

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Sep 18, 2016
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Chinup, 'losing' the drugs that lost you everything will help you gain your life back if you do actually want to rid your life of them & embrace & learn the coping & living strategies you'll be taught in rehab
I don't want you (or anyone) to resort to suicide & can only speak from my own long-ago suicidal experiences, in that, I didn't actually want to die, I wanted there to be something in my life worth living for & I couldn't see that there was

I also know all too well, that just being clean of drugs doesn't automatically make life peachy - staying off them & building a fulfilling life without them is a million times harder than coming off them (I managed it for a few years, at least!)
I hope that getting clean gives you the opportunity & head space to value & rebuild your life again <3
 

Buspersons Holiday

Bluelighter
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I never thought I would feel so alone at the age I am now, Abject. I expected my husband and I to live into our eighties together. I thought my friends and I would also grow old together. Now good, life-long friends are moving away to be near children or grandchildren and my husband has passed away and my best friend in the world has cancer. You know I have always talked a lot about loneliness--about befriending it, making it familiar and even comfortable when it comes. I am having to hold myself to my own words lately. Life is always, if nothing else, humbling.:\<3
herbavore, I'm so sorry to read this & so full of admiration & respect for you always thinking of others when your own heart is breaking & you have every right to dissolve into a quagmire of self-pity & despair
I don't doubt that grief & sorrow are consuming you right now, & I feel really cross that the universe has dealt you these blows despite your constant selflessness, empathy & tip-top advice here (& I strongly suspect everywhere else!)

I know it won't even dent your grief, but you are so very loved & admired here, I can see & feel that very clearly
Sending you big love & hope that when you feel alone, you don't feel lonely <3<3<3
 

chinup

Takes Pictures Sometimes
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Chinup, 'losing' the drugs that lost you everything will help you gain your life back if you do actually want to rid your life of them & embrace & learn the coping & living strategies you'll be taught in rehab... I wanted there to be something in my life worth living for & I couldn't see that there was
your entire post is dead on. i know that if i work my arse off then in a while there'll be something worth living for. but it seems so far from here and thats if I don't fuck up. i've got cranford nix on rehab in my head 'the dr says if you apply yourself here you'll be working in mcdonalds in about two years'

my dream job, ability to travel anywhere, owning two houses, people who love me, really love me, none of that was enough so what the fuck will be?

i'm more fucked on benzos than i've been in years and i still feel like i'd probably be better off dead. which is majorly symbolic for me cos my first benzo
experience was prescribed because i'd been uncontrollably crying and suicidal for weeks. i took this pill and half an hour later i didn't want to die anymore.

i just feel like when i get the chance, i'm gonna have my last hurrah and properly dabble with IV speedballs with the half hope of dying, i can't do it on purpose cos of my family.

the power of attorney thing hit me too.... not being mentally fit to give it is an eye opener, and having to give my parents control of my finances had taken my one hope away. i may get a fuckton of undeserved cash soon and i just wanted to fuck off into oblivion but without control over my assets i can't do it.
 

freesolo123

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 13, 2018
Messages
495
Location
UK
Chinup from what i have read you seem to worry about stuff that won't help you progress like your dream job, its nice to have things to strive for but in a addicted stated we have to swallow our pride and take one day at a time until we are in a position to move on to other parts of our life, it's baby steps trust me and right now its life and death so look after yourself with soft gloves be kind to yourself and get the help you need.
 
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