Me when I was 17, fat, standing by bob saget with a bob saget shirt signed by bob saget
amphetamine binge
Please sir can I have some more?
i look healthy...
orange cats are fun
Mohawk ^.^
halloween at SMack, they had people dressed as zombies fuck and throw their body parts at the crowd as they ate eachother
Hawaii
One hitter in central park
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pretty old
really old. 16
I wore I tie. I felt fancy
I wore a body but I was dead inside. Morphine/oxy/hydrocodone/heroin times..
I got really itchy. I woke up the next day with fingernails crusted in blood and my legs were mauled. Sleep mutilated myself
In the lab doing microtome slices of rat hippocampus that was born unto a mother subcutaneously injected with pytocin while she was pregnant, which is a precursor to oxytocin. The pups that were born to mothers with oxytocin changes were found to actually have autism. Protein stains tracing microglial cells showed alot of what went on, I'm still awaiting the final results of the entire study
When I finally got my hair cut. After washing it a lot it started to show all the previous colors it had been dyed all at once. Turquoise, blue, purple, kinda a lime green at some parts
Was "apparently" going to have sex (I don't even remember) but when my ex left the room to get changed I nodded off...oh but she woke me up and i nodded off again 15 minutes into it...yup, I was a reeeal winner
the microtome and dry ice frozen rat brain being sliced and put into slides
Back when I had actually worked out and did lots of cardio (ran about 2-3 miles a day on elliptical) and I actually had muscle mass and was healthy. Before anxiety/ocd/almost anorexia manifested themselves and I became a stick figure and then after that was malnourished severly underweight depressed all the time...and then I started doing drugs..kinda sad..Once I was able to accomplish things and actually improve my life temporarily I became obsessive and was still not satisfied with myself, no matter what I accomplished or changed, it never was good enough, and my pre existing but not too intense depression and anxiety became overwhelming as I became more and more unhealthy. In hindsight, I never felt comfortable in my own skin, hated that everyone suddenly was nicer to me and hitting on me when they are the same ones that used to make fun of me for being a fat shy geek. Bittersweet. I wanted the initial contentment of accomplishing something and actually changing myself into something I liked but the further I went the more impossible my standards became which only fueled me to keep going...Led to horrific neurotransmitter imbalances and health problems at the time. .
Antidepressants or suicide, they both seemed to offer. The meds just made me feel like trying to focus on and analyze problems or improve things just was too much, it was pointless, nothing mattered so how could I justify being upset is what id tell myself. I couldn't find the desire to overcome anything, i just wanted to sit there, but in the back of my mind part of me knew this felt so empty and fake. both seem like almost the same cure. you actually get to bring the dead inside feeling to an end and make the outside match the inside. With the meds I didn't feel alive or passionate about anything, not motivated or excited.. I wasn't alive enough for death at that point...Just a zombie.
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