• 🇳🇿 🇲🇲 🇯🇵 🇨🇳 🇦🇺 🇦🇶 🇮🇳
    Australian & Asian
    Drug Discussion

    Welcome Guest!
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
  • AADD Moderators: swilow | Vagabond696

Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II

Status
Not open for further replies.
one of teh workers at steve irwins zoo was asked what steves favourite animal was, she replied crocodiles but he will always have a soft spot in his heart for sting rays.


at steve irwins funeral they are going to play "crocodile rock" and it will be performed by no other than "sting!"
 
Did you come up with them all by yourself or did your friends help you?
 
Did you hear Terri Irwin is pregent with a baby girl? She's planning on calling it Barb.
 
steve irwin was confused. how could something with flaps that big, have a prick to die for.

crocodile-hunter-kill.gif


im going to hell
 
Last edited:
Whats the first thing Peter Brock is gonna hear when he gets to heaven???

"CRIIIKEY, you're dead too??!?!?!?
 
Steve Irwin is sittin in Gods office. He turns to God and say's
" hey God i apreciate you trying to make me feel at home, but i asked for a CROC not a BROCK"
 
Peter Brock gets to heaven and meets up with Steve Irwin.

Steve says, "Jeez mate, how come you got a halo and I didnt?"

Brock: "That isnt a halo, its my fucking steering wheel."
 
havn't read the thread (maybe i should when i'm bored and need a laugh) so don't know if this is "sick and twisted" as such but figured I couldn't put it in the grandma jokes thread so here is a joke my dad just emailed me hehe

>>AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR,
>>
>>SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
>>
>>OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING
>>
>>HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
>>
>>SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:
>>
>>"WHAT IN THE WORLD! ARE YOU DOING!?"
>>
>>THE DAUGHTER REPLIED:
>>
>>"MOM, I'M 32 YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
>>
>>THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.
>>
>>SO PLEASE GO AWAY ,AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
>>
>>THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME
>>
>>BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED
>>
>>BEDROOM DOOR.UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED
>>
>>HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
>>
>>TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING,
>>
>>THE DAUGHTER SAID:
>>
>>"DAD I'M 32, UNMARRIED, AND THIS IS ABOUT AS
>>
>>CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. SO PLEASE,
>>
>>GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
>>
>>A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A
>>
>>SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN
>>
>>COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM,
>>
>>OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM?
>>
>>SHE ENTERED,
>>
>>
>>
>>AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
>>
>>
>>
>>SIPPING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.
>>
>>THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH,
>>
>>BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
>>
>>THE WIFE ASKED:
>>
>>"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
>>
>>THE HUSBAND REPLIED:
>>
>>"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."
 
George Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround your self with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. "

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his vice president, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
 
A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.

The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

-------------------

The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it in a pile?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these, and count your "no"s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.

-------------------------

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top