I really fucked up this week guys. Spent 300 dollars on cocaine throughout the week that I shouldn't have been spending at all, and was also drinking throughout, even at work(and doing the blow), which could easily result in my termination. I also came super close to getting in trouble with the law a couple nights ago. Super lucky I was.
So anyway I'm out of coke and still coming down from the night's use, just drinking a little bit and feeling ten times better since I smoke a little hit of this weed I bought.(no tolerance, pretty damn high off that) I'm gonna use the weekend to come off this alcohol(the coke too, but that's no worries it's coming off the ethanol that I fucking hate. So yeah, I'm feeling pretty grateful that nothing too fucked up occured, other than losing that money. And that's why I hate having a dealer at my workplace who also will front until payday.
It's fucking hard for me to resist, I'll do it for awhile, but as soon as I slip up and start drinking again, bam, I'm buying drugs. I realize why addicts commit suicide now, It's so fucking depressing and discouraging trying time and time again to stay clean/sober, only to fuck up every time. I had 35 days a couple months ago, which is the most I've ever had on my own without going to rehab. But I walways get to restless/bored and end up lapsing. Usually it's only or like a couple days unlike this time, then I go right back. I feel so healthy when I'm clean/sober, I eat so much, weightlift a good bit, take whey protein and a bunch of supplements, go for runs, play my guitar, all kinds of stuff. When I get to drinking/using I barely do any of that stuff.
So anyway, I didn't mean to make this a monologue, but I'm starting over later today whenever I finally go to sleep and wake up in the afternoon. Hope everyone is doing well, and to those who aren't I hope things get better for you.