Scared My story...

[Flynnal]

This horrid nightmare began on the morning 26th June when I woke up with what seemed like a blocked right ear and some mild nausea. I tried to pop my ears as usual by drinking a glass of water and that didn't help. I noticed there was a ringing when I heard any sound coming through that ear. I waited for an hour and then basically panicked and called paramedics because sudden hearing loss like this is a true medical emergency. So the one guy arrives and asks me what's happened. I explain everything, even including the treatment that I had last time this happened (back in 2007) with my left ear. It's strange because I must be one of the unluckiest guys on the planet because this is supposed to be quite rare. It's called SSNHL. The guy asked me what would I do if they didn't give me the steroids (I used prednisolone in 2007 and it worked and the hearing in my left ear came back). I was literally starting to feel panic again, but I asked him why there would be a problem with it. I wanted to tell him that if they didn't help me and I ended up with permanent damage that I'd kill myself, but something stopped me. Maybe it was the fear of being sent to a room and not getting helped. It was one of those catch-22 scenarios. I wanted to tell them just how serious this was, but on the other hand, I didn't want to fuck up my only chance for help or I would have ended up dead anyway. Damned if you do...damned if you don't.

Well, it was a case of damned if you don't anyway. That doctor at Wyong Hospital refused to give me the prednisolone I actually needed. This is a GOLD STANDARD treatment and she just OUTRIGHT...REFUSED...Instead she gave me ear drops which are only designed to treat external ear infections. I asked her why and all she said was that it had some nasty side effects. Uh OK you want to save my hearing or not? Yeah sure, as if I'm concerned about taking steroids for a week? I already done it 13 years ago. It's not pleasant but it's bearable and it sure as fucking hell is better than killing myself if I end up with fucked up hearing for the rest of my life, right? Big deal, right? I wanted to scream at her full bore at levels of 120db something along the lines of "No shit Sherlock, what's your problem? I need help right now, this can't wait! It's URGENT! You're worried about side effects and all I want is my hearing back you're supposed to be a doctor for the love of Jesus Christ! Please help me, I only have a few days or this is permanent damage. You might as well send me home to die!". I wanted to tell her that if she didn't help me I would go home and call it a day and kill myself, I wanted to tell her that she had two choices and that the other choice would end tragically so she'd better make the right one. But I didn't stick up for myself.

She told me how to use these drops, and I played along with her, but inside I was just screaming. I wanted to run out of that room screaming like a crazy psycho, wanted to scream at the women who was sitting behind a glass facade in the middle of the outer area where I'd been waiting. I kept going over and over...what did the paramedic say to this damn doctor? Did he say something to her so that she wouldn't take me seriously? What happened here? I will never know what words were exchanged, or what documents had been written.

I went home. I did "what I was told". I hallucinated for a couple of days on and off. Typical prisoner's cinema type stuff. Lots of phosphenes and tons, and tons, of nausea. I was vomiting profusely over several hours at one point. I don't even remember how many times I dry heaved. Sleep was a complete impossibility. Panic was all I could feel. But the visual hallucinations gave me moments of sanity in between. Man those visuals were to die for, such simple patterns yet so colourful and so beautiful. Probably what kept me alive to be honest.

On the 29th of June, miraculously, my hearing came back. The scariest part is that on the 28th of June I was preparing to drop 18,000mg of sodium pentobarbitone (what they call the "death drug" here in Australia) and call it a day. That would have been enough to kill me many times over. Boy am I glad I waited. But I was so scared, so terrified that this doctor had just handed me a life sentence. I flushed the barbiturates down the toilet on the 14th July because the severe mental distress that this doctor had inflicted upon me was still bearing down on me, so I thought I had some sort of trauma and was still tempted to take my own life just so I could sleep, so down the toilet that bitter white powder went, every last trace of it. So this woman not only put my hearing at risk, she also took away my option to die a peaceful death in the event that I should come down with a painful terminal illness, and for those two things I cannot ever forgive her.

Well, it's been a bit over a week since I've made a complaint about how I was treated. Hopefully they'll respond soon, but all I'm going to do is tell them how she managed to fuck up my life and how I will need counselling so that I have at least some chance that I can ever get over this trauma. I honestly cannot stress how traumatic it is to be staring down the barrel of a gun when your own damn finger is on the trigger, how scary it is looking at the end of your own life, knowing that you are going to die because someone you desperately asked for help did the wrong thing and might have permanently ruined your life and that you felt you had no other option but to kill yourself because you were not going to accept the life sentence that this doctor had just given you, because someone wasn't compassionate enough or didn't take you seriously enough, so you're now dead because of that. It's scary as, and there's no literally other way to describe how terrifying it is.

Ok, so this stress has continued on for quite some time. On Tuesday morning it came to a head, because I awoke at 4:30am, feeling off, and went to the bathroom. As I went back to bed I started losing consciousness. I thought "Oh my God, this is it." Lying on the bed, slowly losing consciousness, screaming and crying because I was all alone in my apartment and thought I was really dying. I regained consciousness to find the bed cover completely drenched in urine. I had to get paramedics because I legitimately thought I was still going to die. I still had a sense of impending doom, hence the call to 000. I legitimately thought I was going to die. Whilst I was in Gosford District Hospital, during a routine blood sample I started losing consciousness again. I saw my heart rate plummeting from 70+ all the way down to 20. Again, I thought, "This time it might be the end." and again I started crying. Boom, I come back again, bright lights, lots of action, people surrounding me, one female doctor (this one actually gave a fuck, unlike the one at Wyong Hospital) gently stroking my head and telling me everything was OK. I legitimately thought I had gone into cardiac arrest - well, technically I did but it was triggered by a vagus nerve response and was only temporary - weird huh? I never knew the vagus nerve could send someone's heart rate plummeting that low and the doctor told me that the only time this is life-threatening is if I were driving (I never have and don't intend to get a license), and presumably if I were standing on a ladder. The funny part is that I've never had this problem when getting blood samples taken. Only this one time. I still have yet to learn why this happened when it never happened before. Perhaps it was due to this ongoing distress.

Since then my insomnia has improved, and hopefully I'm starting to recover. But every now and then I suffer from these horrible thought loops about this, along with a sense of impending doom that tends to come and go, but it hasn't been as bad.

I know I will survive this, but it's been so damn hard, and although I've tried to tell my family I'm not sure if they realise just how close I was to actually dying (from that horse killer barbiturate) and just how horrific things could have turned out. To this day I still shed a tear when I think about how things could have been very bad. Honestly I just want the thoughts to stop because they just hurt so much. I want some rest, and I want peace from this, even temporary respite. I don't want to die, even though I am not scared of death, I want to live and not have my life fucked up by uncompassionate doctors who won't take me seriously or who patronise me. I am glad the barbiturates are gone. I feel sad that I was robbed of the chance to die peacefully if I came down with cancer, but I'm glad that I survived anyway. Hopefully legislative changes will mean I wouldn't have needed the barbiturates anyway...fingers crossed. It's amazing how your perspective can change so fast, as mine did.

I just want to live the same life that everyone around me appears to take for granted (or at least as it seems). Just to breathe that beautiful Central Coast air and feel the soothing radiance of the sun's rays, the smell of the ocean and the singing of the birds. I look forward to watching some bull ants forming new nests soon. A couple of stings from those fuckers would certainly take my mind off whatever it was that was bothering me, and I mean that in a funny and positive way

To sum it up; this experience has changed me. It has left an enormous mark on me and has changed the way I think about things. Now and probably forever. I look forward to being normal again. I just want to walk and breathe, and function and talk, and love life, like everyone else, just to feel good and to not be scared or hurt. I don't ever want to live in fear ever again. But you know what? It is what it is, and I will never take anything for granted ever again.

 

[jhjhsdi]

You should have gone to a different doctor pal. Fuck that bitch that denied you steroids.

I remember feeling like I was going to kill myself when I thought I was getting my bladder removed from extreme ketamine abuse and was going to be left with a piss bag for life. I love sex way too much, how could you pull and fuck like a porn star with a bag of piss hanging by your side 24/7? Luckily for me I was sent to rehab and my bladder improved. It's still not 100% and it never will be. But it's tons better than before.

I could live with 1 ear though. Even though music is one of my dearest loves, up there with sex and drugs. Especially listening with good headphones.

Would you really have killed yourself just for going deaf in 1 ear? Seems pretty extreme, no offense.

 

[Flynnal]

You should have gone to a different doctor pal. Fuck that bitch that denied you steroids.

I guess it's pretty hard when you're in an emergency department presenting with sudden unilateral hearing loss. You don't get to choose your doctor, not here in Australia. And yes, fuck her for sure. I will never want to see her ever again after that. Hell, she didn't even conduct basic tests using a tuning fork, nor did she ask me to do a hum test. She was an ignorant arrogant clown. She needs to be reported to a higher authority and I think I should take the matter further. Honestly I want to sue the living daylights out of her for causing serious psychological problems which I now have and which may affect me for a long time to come.

Would you really have killed yourself just for going deaf in 1 ear? Seems pretty extreme, no offense.

As much as I hate to say it, I most certainly would have if it were caused by an arrogant doctor. Now if that doctor had done her very best, had given me the steroids like I'd suggested, had done the tests, and did everything in her power instead of patronising me, then maybe not. But I am NOT going to be given a life sentence by an arrogant doctor. Not a chance. Those barbiturates would have been put to good use.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi Flynnal, are you normally this anxious about things? Is it only when it comes to medical stuff, or are you high-anxiety all the time? Do you take any medication for your anxiety? I just wanna learn a bit more about your situation I'm in Sydney and 3 of my siblings are doctors so I know a fair bit about our healthcare system.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Oh and also, I have fainted from vagus nerve response once before when I tried acupuncture for the first (and last!) time and it was terrifying!!

 

[Flynnal]

Hi Flynnal, are you normally this anxious about things? Is it only when it comes to medical stuff, or are you high-anxiety all the time? Do you take any medication for your anxiety? I just wanna learn a bit more about your situation I'm in Sydney and 3 of my siblings are doctors so I know a fair bit about our healthcare system.

Really, anything that could permanently harm me, either physically or mentally. But this nightmare I described above, was, by far, my worst experience yet. I honestly thought I was going to end up taking my own life from the mental trauma alone, never mind the hearing loss, that would be been but a lock and I would for sure have died. I honestly don't know how I survived this, but the doctor's arrogance and the fact that she didn't even bother conducting basic tests and providing the appropriate medication (which is the ONLY treatment) for this problem and the fact that it has to be done right away to have the best chance of saving your hearing, really made my life absolutely hell for a long time - even after my hearing miraculously return. I absolutely hate this doctor and want absolutely nothing what so ever to do with her ever again. She could have been responsible for my death and she needs to understand that loud and clear. I can't emphasise this enough.

I don't understand what is wrong with this doctor, she should have known. The funny thing is she told me it was a rare problem...so she obviously knew what I was concerned about, yet she literally sent me home with Sofradex which is NOT appropriate for sudden sensorineural hearing loss.

If you want my honest personal opinion I think she should at least be suspended from Wyong Hospital pending a full investigation. If this had ended in my suicide, I honestly don't know what would have happened to her. I wonder how she would have felt if she later found out that my hearing loss had become permanent and I had taken my own life because of that? I wonder how this would have affected her? Unless she is a textbook psychopath (which is a distinct possibility because positions of authority tend to attract these types) she would absolutely have felt terrible about it. My mother committed suicide when I was only 12, she was only 35 when she took her life. A couple of times I put myself in my father's shoes, I visualised myself as my father, carrying my coffin along with my other pallbearers through the church in front of the rest of my family and friends, having to bury my one and only son. Not surprisingly, I burst into tears and cried for what seemed like an eternity. This whole ordeal has been nothing short of an absolute fucking nightmare.

I am so thankful that I'm still alive, with at least some of my mental health intact, but it's certainly not 100% and I don't even know if it will ever get back to 100% again. The impact this has had on my thinking and my emotions is enormous.

Oh and also, I have fainted from vagus nerve response once before when I tried acupuncture for the first (and last!) time and it was terrifying!!

I've had them quite a few times, but the last 4 episodes were, by far, the most terrifying, as I thought I was literally going to die. I cannot believe how bad the experience is. The funny part is that once consciousness is lost to a certain point it becomes euphoric and one simply doesn't care any more. But that small window of time is absolutely horrible.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I have to say that it is really good that you're able to put yourself in your father's shoes and to visualise how devastating it would be to lose his son, especially to suicide. Suicide is a hugely preventable thing and as you would well know, it can destroy the lives of the loved ones left behind. I am so sorry to hear about your mum's passing.

I know you're hugely upset by this whole ordeal, and understandably so. One of the worst things is not being listened to or even heard when we're feeling vulnerable. However if I can just play devil's advocate, doctors are people too, and their performance can be affected by stress and emotions just like anyone else. It doesn't mean they're a psychopath or had some ulterior motive for treating you. Maybe she really was having a moment of distraction, high stress, or simply having a bad day. That doesn't really excuse her lack of attention to your presenting condition but it might add a bit of depth to what happened. I am very sure that she didn't intend to cause you such distress.

Do you feel like your current medications are helping your anxiety?

 

[Flynnal]

Do you feel like your current medications are helping your anxiety?

The mirtazapine is useful for both sleep and anxiety. I also take carbamazepine to stabilise my mood. Occasionally I'll use diazepam for anxiety. One thing I found was that the carbamazepine would help improve confidence in many areas of life, so there's a plus to it, but it does have a few side effects, one of them being slight dizziness due to being an anti-epileptic medication which I think all of them share the same side effects or at least most of them.

Anyway, at least I'm safe now, and as of the 14th of July which was quite a while ago, the barbiturates are gone for good. Down the toilet where they needed to be. Probably somewhere in the sewers by now . I'd taken some photos of the stuff including a barbiturate test kit that I'd used back in 2015 to find out if it was real. Sure enough it was the real deal and from a few test samples (200mg) it is easily the most potent substance I've ever encountered and 200mg hit me for six.

 

[Flynnal]

( images removed because I found out it is against The Dark Side rules)

I still remember the night I flushed that poison like it was yesterday even though it was on the 14th July and well over a month ago. All gone now. The sound of the toilet flushing it all away. It was probably one of the best sounds at the time. It was proving too much of a danger to me so it had to be done away with - along with a sense of relief knowing that it was no longer there. Back then I was still struggling enormously and even now it still hurts, but the sooner I let this go the sooner I can heal.

I'm just so eternally grateful that it was only the Nembutal that went down the toilet, and not my hearing and consequently my life. Today the sun is shining so bright, so I'm thinking maybe a walk up the hill behind me would be a nice opportunity to spot some birds and connect with nature.

I'm still angry at that doctor for putting me in this horrible situation, but at least one good counselling session has been set up for me, so now I can start moving on and hopefully put this all behind me.

 

[Deru]

That's an intense story. I share similar experiences with certain doctors with all my medical issues, especially emergency room doctors since they typically are incredibly busy and are subject to not get as nuanced with my symptoms due to the nature of their work. Sometimes bad bedside manner doesn't correlate to a bad doctor, although by all accounts that's what it always looks like (it used to drive me insane early on when my medical issues started.) Sometimes, I've learned the best doctors have the worst bedside manner, although I still prefer a doctor who can at least exert some energy to pretending to listen to me, even if what I say winds up being irrelevant.

With all that being said, why on Earth not go back to the ER after that doctor's shift ended and get either better treatment or, at a minimum, a doctor with a better bedside manner to explain why oral prednisone wasn't appropriate - especially if symptoms got worse? Or, call the triage nurse and explain the situation and your concerns?

 

[Jabberwocky]

This must have been an horrific experience for you. I think the best thing to do with ER visits that don’t go your way is ask for the on/call specialist in the relevant area (in your case could have been either ENT or psych who might have helped) or else ask for urgent referral to specialist.

I had a psych emergency where the ER doctor tried to get rid of me with a couple of valium but I knew I needed an anti-psychotic so I insisted they call the psych resident. I had to wait a few hours but he came.

The gaurantee to get high level help in an ER is to say you have chest pains or that you are at risk of self-harm (which might have applied in your case)

 

[Flynnal]

With all that being said, why on Earth not go back to the ER after that doctor's shift ended and get either better treatment or, at a minimum, a doctor with a better bedside manner to explain why oral prednisone wasn't appropriate - especially if symptoms got worse? Or, call the triage nurse and explain the situation and your concerns?

No, the oral prednisone actually was appropriate and that's what she refused to give me when it was what I needed, which was the standard treatment. But what she gave me instead was not appropriate. She gave me ear drops designed to treat swimmer's ear, not sudden sensorineural hearing loss.

I could have lost my right side hearing permanently because of that doctor, and let me tell you I am still hurting because it. And that's the reason why I destroyed the barbiturates. The thought loops are crazy intense and I still felt at risk of poisoning myself because I was just so emotionally broken. Got it in 2014. Flushed it a few weeks ago. I'm glad it's gone, but yet here I still am, suffering these horrible thought loops. I almost feel sad, not even angry anymore, just plain sad.

 

[Deru]

No, the oral prednisone actually was appropriate and that's what she refused to give me when it was what I needed,

Sorry, I didn't word that clear enough. I believe you when you say oral prednisone is the gold standard. I meant if you went back after the doctor's shift ended, and in the off chance got unlucky where the new doctor also didn't think oral prednisone was appropriate, a minimum of an explanation besides "side effects."

 

[Flynnal]

The gaurantee to get high level help in an ER is to say you have chest pains or that you are at risk of self-harm (which might have applied in your case)

Yes, but that wouldn't be for sudden sensorineural hearing loss. I would have been locked up if I had told the doctor that I would kill myself if she refused to give me prednisolone. And that's what scared the absolute shit out of me. I couldn't stick up for myself because then I would have blown what might have been my only chance to save my hearing...which now in hindsight looks pretty stupid, because she refused after all...but maybe next time I might tell the doctor that life is not worth living with permanent hearing impairment and to take my problem very seriously. Maybe that will work. Maybe it won't. Some doctors are actually psychopaths.

 

[Flynnal]

Sorry, I didn't word that clear enough. I believe you when you say oral prednisone is the gold standard. I meant if you went back after the doctor's shift ended, and in the off chance got unlucky where the new doctor also didn't think oral prednisone was appropriate, a minimum of an explanation besides "side effects."

Thanks for the clarification, at first I was confused. I'm keeping myself together for the time being, talking to people, sometimes talking to myself in my mind telling myself to let go of this now that it is in the past even though that loop keeps rolling on.

I hope to receive counselling soon, at least one appointment was made and I will reveal everything to that counsellor because this was a genuinely traumatic experience, easily in the top 3 traumatic experiences I've ever endured. Losing my mother was obviously the most traumatic, but I could never discount the trauma of facing my own imminent demise especially by my own hand. I honestly think being crucified would be better than the emotional pain I went through.

 

[Flynnal]

UPDATE:

Well, this morning has been rather interesting, or should I say, around noon, I got a call from the Health Complaints at Wyong ED, and apparently they said nothing wrong was done. Apparently I had an ear infection. What a bunch of fucking shit! I didn't have an ear infection because there would have been pain, and there was none. I know I should never use Q-tips, but I did that morning to see if there was ear wax, maybe that might have made the inside of my ear canal a bit red, so next time I am not going to use a Q-tip. I should have told the doctor this, but I said that I usually don't put anything in the ear bigger than my elbow...

I think what's happened here is that the doctor wanted to get me out of the clinic as quickly as possible because perhaps the paramedic thought I was bunging on an act or something and I guess I'll never know, but she didn't want to bother doing tuning fork tests, humming tests, or anything that could have given her more information about what I was experiencing. She just fobbed it off as "Otitis Media" which I know for a FACT that I didn't have.

I think the doctor is just trying to cover her arse, and that is not good enough. They did say that they were saddened by my complaint and how it had caused me significant distress. Well, what would they expect? For fucks sake.

So, I'm going to escalate the complaint. I can't have someone permanently putting my hearing at risk and expecting that they're just going to fob me off again. This time it's going higher.

I nearly killed myself because of this. There's just no way I am going to let this go.

 

[Jabberwocky]

She just fobbed it off as "Otitis Media" which I know for a fucking FACT that I didn't have.

So at the end of the day what exactly was wrong with your ear that night and is that problem now fully resolved?

 

[Flynnal]

So at the end of the day what exactly was wrong with your ear that night and is that problem now fully resolved?

It was SSNHL that resolved spontaneously. It was absolutely not a middle ear infection, as there was no pain involved whatsoever.
My hearing is back to normal. It recover spontaneously on the 29th June.

My mental health, on the other hand, has been a complete mess. I have not fully recovered from this ordeal.

I believe this doctor was just trying to cover her arse. This obviously isn't good enough, and I have since escalated the matter to the HCCC NSW.

 

[Jabberwocky]

My mental health, on the other hand, has been a complete mess. I have not fully recovered from this ordeal.

I believe this doctor was just trying to cover her arse. This obviously isn't good enough, and I have since escalated the matter to the HCCC NSW.

What's the outcome that you would like to achieve from the HCCC NSW? Do you think that outcome will alleviate your mental health issues?

Sorry, not trying to interrogate you - just curious about your situation.

 

[Flynnal]

What's the outcome that you would like to achieve from the HCCC NSW? Do you think that outcome will alleviate your mental health issues?

The outcome I want to achieve is that this doctor knows that she was not dealing with an ear infection even if she insists she was. I also want to learn the name of that doctor so I can ask her directly why she thought I had an ear infection when there was absolutely no pain or any indication of an infection.

I don't believe the outcome would alleviate my issues. The damage has already well and truly been done here I'm afraid.

An apology from that doctor would certainly help me, probably much more than any academic explanation or justification for her actions. Just a simple apology would suffice.