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Recovery My cliché recovery journal

Rio Fantastic

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Joined
Feb 19, 2009
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1,618
Location
Birmingham
hahahaha yeah i know, it goes against our cultural sensibilities, but makes life so much easier!!! just get it out the way both of you will probably be agonising. i hope it goes ok anyway.

i used to joke about doing dark and light too, got a massive kick out of people thinking the absurdity was hilarious. its nice to know that its not obivious. to be fair i probably still tried that joke when i was worse than i thought, i'd go to parties and shit and then find out people had been asking about what was wrong with me cos i was so out of it, or get to the pub and only be able to sit in the corner nodding out or grinning like a mad woman.

fuck me your neighbour sounds like a cunt. to be fair when you are using you are up all night and that is very disruptive to people around, even if you don't think you were making noise when you were out of it, you probably were. but they do exaggerate too. like my neighbours in norwich were getting very upset about the noise i was making coming and going in the night, which is fair enough. they did call the council making antisocial behaviour complaints. but when my parents came to cart me off to rehab they said i had had an all night party the night before. i had not!!! i had had one person there cooking up speedballs with way too much dark in so was unconscious most of the night. i guess they have to exaggerate to get sympathy and stuff but its fucking annoying.

i'm exhausted after all this job stuff. no work today, watching the boys on prime but on the last episode now.

wow, here I was thinking the jokes-that-weren't-really-jokes thing was just me! Good to know I'm not the only insane one. Hahah.

He is a cunt. To be fair to him I was noisy in the past, but this complaint was made recently and I haven't had company in my flat for like a month and a half. Fuck him.

Good job for getting through the interview, chinup. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you!!

I've just had a little reminder of the importance of reigning in my hyper sensitivity. I text the girl I'm meant to be going out with next week and she didn't answer for an hour, and immediately I was like "oh fuck, she's not into me, I'm unlikable, NOBODY WILL EVER DATE ME, I SHOULD TAKE HEROIN" and it's just fucking insane. However, I didn't seriously go with it, it's just my brain's go-to for situations like that. I have spent the last hour acclimating to the idea that she may very well not want to be with me, but that I'll still be OK. If that happens, it just means me & her aren't compatible. Trying to draw any broader conclusions than that isn't just a bad idea but is just straight-up irrational as well.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Hey chinup. We keep having two parallel conversations in the recovery thread and this one!! From now on can I address what you put in the recovery thread here so I don't have to go back and forth?? Or would you rather they stayed separate?? I've sent you a message in that thread. I hope it helps. Just hold on, chinup. That's the thrust of it - even if you have to white-knuckle it, just hold the fuck on!!

My date went great. We went to a park and the weather was gorgeous and we talked for 4 hours. I thought it literally couldn't have gone any better, and I was really pleased, but I still hadn't clarified how I feel or that it was a date. At the end when she was giving me a lift back I figured I had to tell her, so I said "Do you know why I asked you out??" and she said no and I said "It's because I fancy you". She was surprised, and she said "Wow. Are you sure?" and I was so deflated. My heart sank, because I thought that's as good as a no. I told her that I was sure, but it's OK and not to worry about it, and then said goodbye and left. I was walking away feeling pretty shitty, because I literally couldn't have possibly seen how it could have gone any better, and I was sure I was picking up a vibe from her. I started to doubt my own perception and wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't seeing. It then occurred to me that she hadn't actually said no yet, and I remember reading on the internet "It's her job to reject you, don't count yourself out before she does".

Well, thank God I'd read that!! I text her saying "Didn't mean to just spring that on you, it's fine if you just want to be friends". She replied "I'm really glad you said it, I definitely want to see you again". Still not satisfied, I said "Do you think there could be anything here or is it just me!?" and then she sent the best text I've had in a long, long time!! "No it's not just you, I feel it too, sorry for being vague, I'm just not good at these things!!" I was so fucking happy. This girl is wonderful - she's surprisingly extroverted once she got comfortable, more than I expected as she's a little reserved in groups & she has a great personality, she's funny, intelligent, we share a lot of opinions, she hasn't ever done drugs and doesn't even drink which is perfect for me, and she's really, really pretty to boot! I'm so glad I persevered and didn't just assume from her response it was a no!! I'm seeing her again on Friday and I really can't wait. I'm resisting the impulse to text her since I don't want to come off too strongly and really I shouldn't have text her what I did since I don't want to be too forward, but it's going great.

I have had practically no cravings these past couple of days. I think I've successfully transferred my obsession. What do they say about relationships in NA?? Something about them being a great idea and absolutely nothing can go wrong with them, right?? :p I am trying to temper it with realism, but I'm very happy with how everything is going right now, not just this. I understand however that I'm in a peak right now, and it doesn't mean that there will be no valleys again, but I am confident at the moment that just the memory of feeling like this will be enough to sustain me for a long while!!
 

Rio Fantastic

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Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Feeling pretty good today. For some reason last night was a little difficult. Some cravings snuck up on me, but I dealt with them and today is much better. I am still not 100% emotionally stable though - my mood goes up & down without rhyme or reason quite a lot, but I'm growing to accept it as part of the process still. I'm still so early in!! 36 days today and counting. Hope everyone is doing well!
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
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Aug 1, 2010
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hey hey rio hope you're having a good weekend. how are you doing today?

lol NA says no relationships in the first year and for good reason, i've seen quite a few people relapse over getting into relationship too soon, when they were too emotionally vulnerable to cope with them failing. tread carefully and don't rush it. that said, i'm glad it went so well!!
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Thanks @chinup! Saw her again yesterday. We went for a drink and then spontaneously went for a walk in the woods at like 10PM. We went into the woods single & came out in a couple! It went really well. Haven't really had any cravings at all as of late, but I'm bearing in mind that's probably because I'm in a relationship and its definitely in the "honeymoon stage" and I'm thinking about her a lot so there's no real room for drugs in my thoughts at the moment. I'm not going to be naive and think this is it and I'll never have to deal with urges/cravings again, but I finally feeling like I'm building the kind of life that's more attractive than the prospect of an immediate relapse, and I think that's an important step that I've never stuck with this long enough to manifest! Feeling pretty great.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
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i completely recognise the thinking you'll never have cravings again, i have gone literally months like that. just be realistic with yourself, enjoy the good feeling but don't delude youself into thinking it will last forever.

that building a life that is more attractive than the prospect of relapse is really important. it makes it so much easier to reframe heroin when you have something so much better than that life ever was. though i think that's where i've come a cropper recently cos i've grown to attached to a certain notion of a comfortable life. its nuts, i actually put in my step one reservations that i expected my life to be a certain way for it to be worth not taking drugs for. my sponsor was sure that i would 'grow out' of it as i progressed in my recovery. NA in general doesn't really help, they SAY you need to accept life on life's terms but they PROMISE a life beyond your wildest dreams. so they have their get out if you don't have a life beyond your wildest dreams, but the two are mutually exclusive.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
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Location
Birmingham
@chinup that's one of the many many reasons I prefer SMART Recovery! Smart tells us to challenge the irrational assumptions we have about our lives. Like I parroted to you before, life isn't all easy, life does have its struggles and there's no reason why we should be immune from that just because we're sober now.

However, these days I can at least say I have better problems than I had before!! I'm thinking of taking gabapentin before I go out tomorrow. I've had a great day today but yesterday really sucked for some reason. The thought of taking harder drugs hasn't seriously occured to me, so that's a good thing, and gabapentin has never driven me to relapse before, my only reservation is if I do take it it's still fulfilling that old impulse of taking a substance to overcome my problems, but on the other hand I really want to have a good time tomorrow and don't want a fucking random mood oscillation to fuck it up. Gabapentin tends to put me in just the right sociable/relaxed/energetic mood that's great for being around people. If I do do it tomorrow, it will certainly be a one-off - I don't have enough to do it again and won't be buying anymore. It doesn't call out to me in the same way H/crack does - it's been sitting in my draw for weeks and it only occurred to me to try taking it tomorrow when yesterday I was depressed & irritable and worrying about being that way tomorrow.

I am starting to think about quitting subutex. I am 41 days clean and I feel like it's done what it was meant to do. I don't want to rush it but I also don't want to end up stuck on opioids forever. I want to be completely sober again, and I feel like subutex is a crutch that I need to kick.

That aside though, I am doing really well. In 12 days this will be my longest stretch of sobriety since 2016 and I'm really happy about that!!
 

chinup

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don't quit subutex yet!!! give it time, there is no rush. honestly i would wait a couple of months. i have seen people relapse badly coming off a script too early and too quickly and i don't want that to happen to you. i get the wanting to be completely sober, i dunno how it is in SMART but in NA there's a huge implicit pressure to be completely clean.

well done on getting to 41 days (hopefully 45 by now). i read that there is some science that neural changes that happen at 30, 60 and 90 days clean, so its not an accident NA celebrates those milestones. you are a fortnight off the second and half way to the final of those early recovery achievements.

did you take the gabapentin? i hope you enjoyed yourself whatever you decided to do. i'm learning the hard way that allowing myself to use anything at all is a seriously slippery slope, if its not the same on you then that's fine, but make sure you really examine your intentions. fundamentally, you do need to learn how to sit with discomfort. you need to be out of the habit of reaching for any crutch, otherwise you aren't building up your emotional toughness.
 

Rio Fantastic

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Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
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Location
Birmingham
I'm sorry to hear that @chinup Did you manage to keep it to a one off? I hope so. If not, it's never too late to put the brakes on!! I'm sure it wasn't as good as you hoped. You can stop it now and learn from it or carry on until you've destroyed your life!

I'm doing good. Haven't been here much as that girl is now my girlfriend and I've been spending a lot of time with her. It's kind of totally derailed my schedule - I stopped practically everything to just spend loads of time with her! We both realised that may not be healthy and have decided to take a couple days off to do what we did before - for me, exercise, meditate and do my course! She's great though but my feelings for her are super intense and I'm not sure how to stop that. I know that in early recovery you can get obsessed with someone, and if something goes wrong I'd be vulnerable, but I can't help it! I haven't had a "normal" girlfriend practically ever and I'm really enjoying it.

@chinup I really hope you pull it back. You deserve better. I hope it wasn't what you hoped it would be and you can use it to fuel your recovery again.
 

chinup

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hey how you getting on? i didn't keep it to one but hopeful i'm not gonna go off the rails. my dad still being on my bank account is a massive help. he will see if i withdraw excessive cash and i can't worry them.

well done on taking a step back to make sure you can put yourself first and not just throw yourself into your relationship. its incredibly easy to neglect yourself when you can use the excuse of putting someone else first. it definitely isn't healthy to not take time for yourself. hope you've enjoyed your few days of self care.
 

The Axe

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
659
Rio, I got sober at about 26 for 12 1/2 years and had a very bad relapse for another 12 1/2 years when I married the mother of my children. Things happen for a reason, I think narcotics addiction is definitely the same as alcohol or any other drug addiction, its a coping mechanism, one of many that we turn to in times of stress. Harm reduction is key here.
 

chinup

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hey rio you hven't been about for a bit. whats up? really hope you're ok.

i still don't have a new job set up but got some hopeful looking prospects, we'll see.
 

Rio Fantastic

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Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
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Location
Birmingham
Hey guys.

I'm on the precipice. I've had a slip, but haven't yet lost all the things I gained in sobriety - my new side job, my girlfriend, my health etc. However, if I continue as I have these last 3 days I most certainly will. I have realized quickly I can't have it both ways, and I really don't want to lose what I have gained. I lapsed for the stupidest reason - I was messaged a couple weeks back from someone who claimed to be starting an RC shop asking if I wanted a free sample. I was 80% sure it was some kind of scam but thought if it isn't I'll sell the sample and make a little money. Well a few days ago a gram of 3-MMC arrived in the mail. I had given the guy my address and forgot about it, and was shocked it showed up. I got on the phone to try and sell it, but had no takers. The couple of people who love any uppers who I figured would buy it both wouldn't touch it since they'd recently had bad experiences with what is called round here "monkey dust", which I think is MDPV.

I should have flushed it, but ended up "trying some". It wasn't great but it tickled the right part of my brain, and before I knew it I was doing H + white. Managed to keep it a secret but I realize today that this would very quickly lead to me spending too much money, probably letting the customers of my side job down, cancelling shifts and at the very least temporarily ghosting and perhaps even getting caught by my girlfriend and then lose the best relationship I've had in a long time too. I achieved so much in two months sober that I really don't want to throw it away. It sucks that I have set myself back, but I am going to put this shit down and get myself back into a positive sober headspace as fast as possible!
 

yubacity

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Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
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u.k
Fucking hell mate i been worried about you brother. But so good you stopped and noticed your fuck up .

So rio got a bird how is it going mate . I told you get sober and you will get a women lucky you not get caught by her coul;d fuck things right up . So hows it going with her how is your mum and how are you.
 

yubacity

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
1,092
Location
u.k
Hey guys.

I'm on the precipice. I've had a slip, but haven't yet lost all the things I gained in sobriety - my new side job, my girlfriend, my health etc. However, if I continue as I have these last 3 days I most certainly will. I have realized quickly I can't have it both ways, and I really don't want to lose what I have gained. I lapsed for the stupidest reason - I was messaged a couple weeks back from someone who claimed to be starting an RC shop asking if I wanted a free sample. I was 80% sure it was some kind of scam but thought if it isn't I'll sell the sample and make a little money. Well a few days ago a gram of 3-MMC arrived in the mail. I had given the guy my address and forgot about it, and was shocked it showed up. I got on the phone to try and sell it, but had no takers. The couple of people who love any uppers who I figured would buy it both wouldn't touch it since they'd recently had bad experiences with what is called round here "monkey dust", which I think is MDPV.

I should have flushed it, but ended up "trying some". It wasn't great but it tickled the right part of my brain, and before I knew it I was doing H + white. Managed to keep it a secret but I realize today that this would very quickly lead to me spending too much money, probably letting the customers of my side job down, cancelling shifts and at the very least temporarily ghosting and perhaps even getting caught by my girlfriend and then lose the best relationship I've had in a long time too. I achieved so much in two months sober that I really don't want to throw it away. It sucks that I have set myself back, but I am going to put this shit down and get myself back into a positive sober headspace as fast as possible!
Tell jus more about how it going with your girlfriend and you really need to drop your pals for atleast six months my brother just to get that clean time
 

Rio Fantastic

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Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
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Location
Birmingham
Tell jus more about how it going with your girlfriend and you really need to drop your pals for atleast six months my brother just to get that clean time

Totally agree mate, I've blocked them on social media and their numbers and told them I'm focusing on my work. How have you been? Hows the newborn?

My girlfriend is awesome. She's younger than me - 22 - and half Indian & half British. She's gorgeous - she was the type that "glowed up" & only got really attractive later in life, so she doesn't have the arrogance of a beautiful girl despite the fact she's stunning. She doesn't drink and has never taken drugs, and since addiction runs in her family she never wants to risk it. She is really healthy - she exercises all the time & her hobbies are outdoors-based like hiking, camping, climbing, running etc. She loves travelling and has been to loads of different countries and has plans to go to more. She's studying human geography (she is really smart) and is also freelance writing. She is funny and she seemed shy until I got to know her and found that she has this amazing personality that she was concealing. She's so sweet and yet she calls me on shit if I deserve it. She's inexperienced in relationships and has never had a serious one before, and I've told her about my past and she wasn't scared away since she's had non-drug related struggles of her own before. She is way less clingy than other girls I've been with - I'm not used to them not needing constant validation and just trusting me right off the bat. I'm really glad I found her because I've never clicked with anyone like I click with her and since she is a little naive about relationships I'm glad it's me who's with her and not an asshole who would take advantage.

I've honestly never felt this way about a girl before. I thought I'd felt strongly for previous girls I was in a relationship with, but I just fancied them really, and I see that because of how I feel with her. She is genuinely really good for me since she's so healthy & her lifestyle is so different to the one I'm leaving behind. I haven't told her this because I don't want to come on too strong and I know that she's told me she is trying to stop herself from becoming obsessed or going in too fast since she doesn't want to get hurt, but I am falling for her. She inspires me to be a better person because she deserves the best and I don't feel worthy of her, at all. I want to be the guy she deserves.

Didn't mean to ramble, but I could of wrote another 2000 words about her, I'm obsessed!
 

yubacity

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Joined
Feb 13, 2018
Messages
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u.k
You can ramble on all you want my brother this the best part of the relationship. I never had a thing for Indian girls but when you add some white into the mix they are hot. You seem happy my brother and you told her about the gear that good otherwise you get tangled in a web of shit and trip up.Your last paragraph seem to suggest you not taking it to fast . I am going to be a gentleman about this does that mean you have not both celebrated your love together. Taking it slow nbot bad my wife not let me have sex with her until we married so 7 years of getting home and knocking one out . If she the right one it worth waiting for or get a bit on the side for sexual release . Dont do the last part i only joking you only end up getting caught really happy for you mate

My little girl is so brilliant i can make her laugh by sticking m,y head in her belly she got beauitiful eyes and her mothers features my ears i think i miss her

Bruv do you have a thing for Indian girls I seem to remember you saying you had a relationship with one before. I would just like to know what a white person sees in them when God has given you the best women in the world lovely eyes fair skin pink you know what and a culture where they equal to men. I never liked Indian girls in a sexual way maybe it just my makeup. None of us brothers fucked with Indian girl they married them but still have occasional flings with American girls my brother banging a woman that works in our office I did not know he kept it a secret only when he caught me checking her out he told me im the only one with the balls to risk it all for my white angel.
 
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