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Recovery My cliché recovery journal

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Hello everyone.

I've been a Bluelighter for a long time. From my very first intense curiosity about drugs when I was 16, before I'd ever even drank, right up to now. To cut a long story short, I got heavy into smoking weed and then experimented with a large variety of drugs. I became a daily weed smoker but took regular tolerance breaks so I didn't consider myself truly addicted. I tried almost everything but didn't get hooked on anything except cigarettes, and they along with weed & coffee were my only daily vices. When I was 19 I had a manic episode which totally turned my life on its head. I was sectioned, had to drop out of university, and my entire life was derailed. After the mania subsided I fell into a brutal, brutal depression. It was the darkest period of my life and I struggled with thoughts of suicide and an intense hopelessness and misery that I was convinced was permanent. It was during this period that I found heroin.

Typical story. I thought it would be just another in my list of drug experiences and that I'd be able to manage it like all the others I'd tried, enjoyed, but managed to moderate. Just like everyone else thinks. Just like all my fellow junkies, I was wrong. My arrogance and recklessness combined with my depression was my downfall. I tried heroin. I loved heroin. The depression ended up lifting, but the heroin habit stuck around. In the six years since I can best be defined as a chronic relapser. Year in and year out I have periods of using daily followed by stretches of sobriety, either forced because of my lack of money or because of concerted efforts to quit. Neither sobriety nor constant using ends up lasting long. My longest period of continuous sobriety in the last six years has been 8 months during & after rehab, 4 months other than that. My longest period of daily using hasn't been longer than 4 months, but typically the sobriety & using alternates in periods of a few days to a month or so.

I keep trying to stop and I keep failing. I tried rehab and voluntarily attempted to indoctrinate myself into the 12 steps that the whole rehab was based on, but I was continually plagued by doubts about the higher power that underlies it. (Please don't recite to me "We agnostics" or the various lines fed to the non-religious about the spirit of the universe or the power of the group. I know them inside & out and deployed them on the doubtful many, many times in rehab). I think it was a combination of the cognitive dissonance from trying to constantly suppress my doubts about God, the boredom from rehab (I stayed there far too long), the lack of direction I had in life at the time and my mild seasonal depression that led to me relapsing whilst at rehab. I was kicked out, and then fell into the worst period of using I've ever had. I was living with other junkies so I never had to stop for long, I was without any kind of replacement medication (I wasn't even signed up to a drugs agency) and ended up picking up a crack habit as well. I'd tried crack many times before but never fell into it hard, but because it was constantly around I ended up picking that up along with heroin.

I ended up fleeing back home, and since then I have just been trying to quit and relapsing again and again. To be fair to myself, I am achieving longer stretches than before and I am making progress, I just need to find some sticking power. Thankfully, I am insulated from the worst consequences of my using - i have a buprenorphine script to fall back on. It's a double-edged sword however - on the one hand, I no longer have to live my life in fear of withdrawal that drives me to crime, spending my rent/food money and that sheer desperation that comes with impending bad withdrawal, which has improved my life compared to when I didn't have it. However, without having withdrawal to worry about it makes it easier to relapse as I know I can use my subutex and don't have to suffer too badly.

Full disclosure - I have relapsed today. I had a long stretch under my belt, but I have been stressed as work cut my hours to the point where I may be forced to find a new job and I'd been having cravings anyway, so I caved in today. However, I have surrendered control of my money to my mother for a couple of days so I can't continue tomorrow, and want more than anything to get sober again. This is part of what this thread is for - it lets me express myself, organise my thoughts, holds me somewhat accountable, and if somewhere down the line I manage to help someone who can relate to me then that will be great as well. I write a journal most days anyway, so I figured I might as well post it. So here it is. Day 0. Day 1 starts again tomorrow. If anyone has actually read this whole thing - I promise future entries won't be so lengthy!
 
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pharmacybandit

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 11, 2014
Messages
120
I don’t think I have any helpful advice as you’ve been down this road time and time again, but I just wanted to let you know I’m rooting for you! Good luck.
 

hotfriesmmm

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
59
Hey Ive been a benzo, heroin, alcoholic crack addict for about 13 years. The only thing that has been able to keep my clean, is working the 12 steps as well as working with a therapist and psychiatrist. If you need to talk to anyone I am here to answer any questions regarding the process of the 12 steps. To be honest I'm still skeptical, but I can tell you my life has completely turned around when working them in conjunction with counseling and medication. Shoot me a private message if you would like.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
4,141
Location
Greatest city on Earth
good luck rio!

i've managed to stay clean since i left rehab, am over 6 months ago. its still fucking hard man. i do credit NA with that and i am doing the 12 steps but there are gaping holes in them. it is not a professional program, you may have specific psychiatric problems that you are self medicating for that you need qualified professionals to help with. for example, i couldn't have stayed clean if i hadn't have had specialised trauma therapy in rehab. i think you need to work out exactly what using is doing for you, cos its doing something for you, and without finding out what that is and doing something about it, it will be much harder.

i can see the ORT being a double edged sword- people ending up with double habits is why i never tried it. would it be worth maybe upping your dose to help with cravings and so you can't use on top? what have the cdt offered you in terms of help other than medication?

to get even bits of clean time is fucking amazing. it should give you confidence and courage. the longest i did off the dark in 6 years was about a month, and i was abusing alcohol and benzos in that time.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Thanks all of you for your kind words. I appreciate sharing your experiences with the 12 steps - I haven't ruled them out completely. If I find myself back here again then I will try them earnestly again. I'm not biased against them, they just haven't worked out for me personally. I haven't used since my first post which makes this day 3, but I can't take full credit for that since I'm completely broke, but I find myself grateful for the bit of sobriety I have and not fiendishly planning to use again as I have done in the past with unsuccessful quit attempts. I have felt really shitty these past couple of days - zero energy, drive or motivation and my mind feels slow & hazy, but I'm certain that it's just because I need to adjust after relapsing again. Using always does this to me,, but I quickly forget and end up giving in again. I am so desperate for a long stretch of clean time - all the problems I have in my life are because of this and if I can just break free of these shackles I know that my life could be so much better.

Chinup, thanks for the suggestion about trying to analyse what's driving me to use. It's a tough question. All the immediate problems I have that drive me to use in the short term are created by my addiction itself, so I guess I need to do some soul searching and try and figure out what keeps sending me back to drugs time & time again.
 

cyberius

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Mar 11, 2013
Messages
1,575
What helped for me was developing a forward momentum towards turning my life into what I want it to be. Make small steps towards improving yourself but be deliberate about it and keep moving forward. Try to develop positive habits like exercising, eating a better diet, giving yourself a pat on the back when you deserve it. What’s important is making these things habits because if you’re exercising, eating well, and giving yourself credit regularly you’ll feel just great in a few weeks and you’ll get a lot more satisfaction out of life.

I’ve been biking for 2 months now and I just started dabbling in improving my diet and lifting weights and while it was piss hard in the beginning to get my lazy ass moving I feel a lot more energized and in control of my life now. I can smugly say I don’t want to go back to meth just so I don’t completely undo all the work I’m putting into myself, it’s either drugs or everything else in your life and when that “everything else” has precieved value you won’t be so quick to scrap it. You’re young enough so that you can actually fully recover and have a great rest of your life if you quit while you’re ahead (things could be way way way worse, please believe me)

I imagine you generally dislike yourself or your situation, why not do what you can to improve it and if it still sucks ass hey maybe I’ll join you. Heroins and meth is cool but when you actually are proud of what you have it doesn’t seem as enticing.
 
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Captain.Heroin

Suicide Obsession
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
94,221
Location
Harvard University
I root for everyone, I hope you can make another attempt at it. From what I remember you stayed clean a long time, right? You can do it again if you've done it before. I hope you have help around you if it's necessary. One of my barriers to getting through recovery was learning when to ask for help if it was needed.

Take care.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
What helped for me was developing a forward momentum towards turning my life into what I want it to be. Make small steps towards improving yourself but be deliberate about it and keep moving forward. Try to develop positive habits like exercising, eating a better diet, giving yourself a pat on the back when you deserve it. What’s important is making these things habits because if you’re exercising, eating well, and giving yourself credit regularly you’ll feel just great in a few weeks and you’ll get a lot more satisfaction out of life.

I’ve been biking for 2 months now and I just started dabbling in improving my diet and lifting weights and while it was piss hard in the beginning to get my lazy ass moving I feel a lot more energized and in control of my life now. I can smugly say I don’t want to go back to meth just so I don’t completely undo all the work I’m putting into myself, it’s either drugs or everything else in your life and when that “everything else” has precieved value you won’t be so quick to scrap it. You’re young enough so that you can actually fully recover and have a great rest of your life if you quit while you’re ahead (things could be way way way worse, please believe me)

This is great advice! This is what sustained me when I succesfully quit before - I got the ball rolling on good habits and just kept it going. My self-esteem is at rock bottom right now and I need something to boost me up. The only problem is it takes a lot of work and effort to get to the point where I can say I honestly don't want to go back to drugs because I love my life without them. I just need to get through this shitty part - my mood & energy levels is fucked up when I quit and go to subs, and I know it'll take some weeks to even out. How long have you been sober?

I root for everyone, I hope you can make another attempt at it. From what I remember you stayed clean a long time, right? You can do it again if you've done it before. I hope you have help around you if it's necessary. One of my barriers to getting through recovery was learning when to ask for help if it was needed.

Thanks Cap. You really are a good guy. I don't know why I ever thought any different. How long have you been off opioids now? Do you still struggle with depression?

I've been OK overall. Had a mini lapse on wednesdasy - took a small hit of crack on an impulse as when I was cleaning I found a gauze soaked with it that I had lost when I was on it. I almost immediately regretted it though and resisted the impulse to then go off on a bender and was surprised to find that I didn't have a crash. Turns out that crack doesn't even give me a comedown if I limit myself to one small hit - I've just never ever been able to do that and more importantly will never be able to do that so I've never had a chance to discover that. I count it as a total relapse, so now I'm on day 3. Got work for the next few days which will keep me occupied - if I only had one day of work then I would be more likely to use, as I know I could get high and then recover in the following day/days off, but knowing that I have to be in is letting me keep my cravings in check. I hate going to work when I'm in the mindset I'm in at the moment though - when I quit H/crack and go on subs, I often feel like I'm in a fog. I'm vaguely depressed, antisocial and sometimes feel cognitively impaired. I know it will wear off, but it sucks going through it and it sucks even more when I'm in an environment where I'm forced to interact with people. I end up being short with people and avoiding conversation but then get even more depressed when I see I'm not involved with the others and then use that to beat myself over the head with and it can lead to a spiral of self-hate that's directly led me to relapse before. Awareness is the first step though, and I know that I shouldn't judge my entire character based on how I behave when I'm constantly trying to reset my brain from the self-inflicted damage of drugs.

It will have to get worse before it gets better. You guys inspire me, though! I love this subreddit! I know that Captain Heroin has extensive experience with PAWs - can anyone tell me what their experience of PAWs was like & how they got through it?
 

Stargazer

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 28, 2013
Messages
1,680
I'm in the same place as you Rio. (it's 10YearsGone, I got my original username back)

I'm only an American, so my pain may be insignificant to you lol. Fwiw, I went through precipitated withdrawal 2 days ago, after waiting 36hrs to take sub. I would've killed myself if I was able to. I don't know what the hell happened. I was flailing around for about 4 long miserable hours until I passed out.

On day 3, still feeling weak, cold sweats, but a little better everyday. You just have to soldier on. That's all we can do. Stay as positive as possible. Try to do something - even if it's tidying up your flat. Somehow, I've noticed those things help.

It looks like a bomb went off in my apartment. I tore the fucker up during pw. Its usually immaculate, not now. Holy fuck. Hang in there mate. ?
 
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Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
I'm in the same place as you Rio. (it's 10YearsGone, I got my original username back)

I'm only an American, so my pain may be insignificant to you lol. Fwiw, I went through precipitated withdrawal 2 days ago, after waiting 36hrs to take sub. I would've killed myself if I was able to. I don't know what the hell happened. I was flailing around for about 4 long miserable hours until I passed out.

On day 3, still feeling weak, cold sweats, but a little better everyday. You just have to soldier on. That's all we can do. Stay as positive as possible. Try to do something - even if it's tidying up your flat. Somehow, I've noticed those things help.

It looks like a bomb went off in my apartment. I tore the fucker up during pw. Its usually immaculate, not now. Holy fuck. Hang in there mate. ?

Thanks man. Why would being an American make your suffering less valid?? If anything its worse, at least here in the UK we can walk into any drug agency and get put on methadone or subutex in less than a month and then get it for free and not have to worry about health insurance or anything like that. That really sucks about precipitated withdrawals I guess I'm lucky, I can take subs a few hours after H and I've never had PW. Are you taking the subs now??
 

Stargazer

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 28, 2013
Messages
1,680
I said that Rio, because you referred to Americans as "these Americans", in yubacitys thread. I'm not a man.

As far as pw, I waited 36hrs. I was stunned. I usually only wait 12hrs and I'm fine. I'm most definitely still on Subutex. Like I said it's me "10YearsGone". I got my original username Stargazer back. Hope you're having a good day.
 

Captain.Heroin

Suicide Obsession
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
94,221
Location
Harvard University
Thanks Cap. You really are a good guy. I don't know why I ever thought any different. How long have you been off opioids now? Do you still struggle with depression?
I think about 4, 5 years now. I haven't had or even thought of using another opiate. If I saw heroin or a suboxone film strip I'd most likely feel disgusted/anxious. It's not like methamphetamine (I've years of almost no use of it; it doesn't even appeal to me as it once did) where I can pick it up and put it down: I WILL go back to active addiction IMMEDIATELY, and then face a full withdrawal and a year of feeling like shit.

Yes I still suffer from depression. I'm quite suicidal at times. I am working with professionals such as "doctor", "therapist" for PTSD. It's not a walk in the park but I guess it's MY walk in the park, LOL.

I've been OK overall. Had a mini lapse on wednesdasy - took a small hit of crack on an impulse as when I was cleaning I found a gauze soaked with it that I had lost when I was on it. I almost immediately regretted it though and resisted the impulse to then go off on a bender and was surprised to find that I didn't have a crash. Turns out that crack doesn't even give me a comedown if I limit myself to one small hit - I've just never ever been able to do that and more importantly will never be able to do that so I've never had a chance to discover that. I count it as a total relapse, so now I'm on day 3. Got work for the next few days which will keep me occupied - if I only had one day of work then I would be more likely to use, as I know I could get high and then recover in the following day/days off, but knowing that I have to be in is letting me keep my cravings in check. I hate going to work when I'm in the mindset I'm in at the moment though - when I quit H/crack and go on subs, I often feel like I'm in a fog. I'm vaguely depressed, antisocial and sometimes feel cognitively impaired. I know it will wear off, but it sucks going through it and it sucks even more when I'm in an environment where I'm forced to interact with people. I end up being short with people and avoiding conversation but then get even more depressed when I see I'm not involved with the others and then use that to beat myself over the head with and it can lead to a spiral of self-hate that's directly led me to relapse before. Awareness is the first step though, and I know that I shouldn't judge my entire character based on how I behave when I'm constantly trying to reset my brain from the self-inflicted damage of drugs.

It will have to get worse before it gets better. You guys inspire me, though! I love this subreddit! I know that Captain Heroin has extensive experience with PAWs - can anyone tell me what their experience of PAWs was like & how they got through it?
Sounds like a VERY minor lapse that you should be able to peel yourself from. I have had a lapse or two not with bupe/heroin (I CANNOT just lapse, I will go back into full addiction = total relapse, I literally have no self restraint with long lasting/potent opiates like bupe/heroin) but with things like meth, etc. over the years, stuff that I can set back down quickly and it hasn't bothered me. I still knew it was probably "not the best thing to be doing" considering what I want to be doing with my life, etc. so I didn't let it take back over.

It sounds like you really WANT to be clean and you are doing way better man, I'm really proud of you.

PAWS lasted about a year with buprenorphine WD for me. I never really felt happy again probably because of mental disorders like PTSD. If your mind IS able to feel "happy again" you're in for a world of luck and can probably recover really well. Try to focus on laughing at the little things and everything will fall into place.
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
I think about 4, 5 years now. I haven't had or even thought of using another opiate. If I saw heroin or a suboxone film strip I'd most likely feel disgusted/anxious. It's not like methamphetamine (I've years of almost no use of it; it doesn't even appeal to me as it once did) where I can pick it up and put it down: I WILL go back to active addiction IMMEDIATELY, and then face a full withdrawal and a year of feeling like shit.

Yes I still suffer from depression. I'm quite suicidal at times. I am working with professionals such as "doctor", "therapist" for PTSD. It's not a walk in the park but I guess it's MY walk in the park, LOL.


Sounds like a VERY minor lapse that you should be able to peel yourself from. I have had a lapse or two not with bupe/heroin (I CANNOT just lapse, I will go back into full addiction = total relapse, I literally have no self restraint with long lasting/potent opiates like bupe/heroin) but with things like meth, etc. over the years, stuff that I can set back down quickly and it hasn't bothered me. I still knew it was probably "not the best thing to be doing" considering what I want to be doing with my life, etc. so I didn't let it take back over.

It sounds like you really WANT to be clean and you are doing way better man, I'm really proud of you.

PAWS lasted about a year with buprenorphine WD for me. I never really felt happy again probably because of mental disorders like PTSD. If your mind IS able to feel "happy again" you're in for a world of luck and can probably recover really well. Try to focus on laughing at the little things and everything will fall into place.

Just for clarification - you said you've had a lapse or two, did you mean with meth? It's hard to judge about my mind being able to "feel happy". I don't know if it's just my brain's particular flavour of PAWs or if it has anything to do with the bipolar diagnosis I got when I was 19, but my PAWs isn't just fatigue, depression, anxiety etc, it's these short cyclical bursts of those traditional PAWs symptoms alternating with days of feeling fantastic, euphoric, energetic and on top of the world. Those days are great - it's not pathological even to the point of mania/hypomania, but it provides a great break from the depression and misery and it's what gets me through.
 

cyberius

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Mar 11, 2013
Messages
1,575
This is great advice! This is what sustained me when I succesfully quit before - I got the ball rolling on good habits and just kept it going. My self-esteem is at rock bottom right now and I need something to boost me up. The only problem is it takes a lot of work and effort to get to the point where I can say I honestly don't want to go back to drugs because I love my life without them. I just need to get through this shitty part - my mood & energy levels is fucked up when I quit and go to subs, and I know it'll take some weeks to even out. How long have you been sober?



Thanks Cap. You really are a good guy. I don't know why I ever thought any different. How long have you been off opioids now? Do you still struggle with depression?

I've been OK overall. Had a mini lapse on wednesdasy - took a small hit of crack on an impulse as when I was cleaning I found a gauze soaked with it that I had lost when I was on it. I almost immediately regretted it though and resisted the impulse to then go off on a bender and was surprised to find that I didn't have a crash. Turns out that crack doesn't even give me a comedown if I limit myself to one small hit - I've just never ever been able to do that and more importantly will never be able to do that so I've never had a chance to discover that. I count it as a total relapse, so now I'm on day 3. Got work for the next few days which will keep me occupied - if I only had one day of work then I would be more likely to use, as I know I could get high and then recover in the following day/days off, but knowing that I have to be in is letting me keep my cravings in check. I hate going to work when I'm in the mindset I'm in at the moment though - when I quit H/crack and go on subs, I often feel like I'm in a fog. I'm vaguely depressed, antisocial and sometimes feel cognitively impaired. I know it will wear off, but it sucks going through it and it sucks even more when I'm in an environment where I'm forced to interact with people. I end up being short with people and avoiding conversation but then get even more depressed when I see I'm not involved with the others and then use that to beat myself over the head with and it can lead to a spiral of self-hate that's directly led me to relapse before. Awareness is the first step though, and I know that I shouldn't judge my entire character based on how I behave when I'm constantly trying to reset my brain from the self-inflicted damage of drugs.

It will have to get worse before it gets better. You guys inspire me, though! I love this subreddit! I know that Captain Heroin has extensive experience with PAWs - can anyone tell me what their experience of PAWs was like & how they got through it?

I am sober off meth for 2 months now (had one line and suffered greatly so I got rid of it). I tend to have a minor 12 hour relapse every 3-4 months but the timing is starting to space out more and I’m trying dearly to let it go. I struggle with PAWS too. For me it’s like I tend to waver and get really complacent with everything around me when I get too comfortable, life lacks a certain fullness I guess. It’s hard to describe.

In my experience the first few months are easy because the wounds are fresh and the battle is clearly described - don’t use. The PAWs phase is the part where the battle no longer has rules and you are left to put things back together. What’s it like for you?
 

Rio Fantastic

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2009
Messages
1,618
Location
Birmingham
Yes with meth. I have for sure not used opiates/bupe/heroin in many years.

I'll understand if you don't want to talk about it, but what was your meth lapse like?

I am sober off meth for 2 months now (had one line and suffered greatly so I got rid of it). I tend to have a minor 12 hour relapse every 3-4 months but the timing is starting to space out more and I’m trying dearly to let it go. I struggle with PAWS too. For me it’s like I tend to waver and get really complacent with everything around me when I get too comfortable, life lacks a certain fullness I guess. It’s hard to describe.

In my experience the first few months are easy because the wounds are fresh and the battle is clearly described - don’t use. The PAWs phase is the part where the battle no longer has rules and you are left to put things back together. What’s it like for you?

Interesting. What do you mean when you say you suffered greatly after 1 line of meth? Do you mean the comedown or the guilt from lapsing or both? It's interesting you should mention about the emptiness that comes with complacency. It's on a smaller scale, but I was just saying yesterday to a colleague about how I actually enjoy work a lot more and function better under some stress. Too little and I am bored and don't have much motivation to perform to the best of my ability (may be at least partially because it's just an entry-level theatre job that I have no interest in advancing in as I'll be leaving for university in September), and on the rare occasion where there's way too much - e.g. there was an occasion where we had to go into lockdown as there was a maniac with a knife in the shopping complex that we're a part of who was stabbing random people - then I can feel overwhelmed and can't think clearly enough to be the best I can be. However, when I'm under a good deal of stress, when there's a lot to do and a short space of time to do it and it is humanly possible but just very difficult, then I function way, way better. I feel like I'm on the edge and my brain is lit up and I'm firing on all cylinders and I perform way better. Obviously this is on a micro scale compared to when you speak about your entire life being too comfortable leading to complacency, but perhaps it's analogous?

I like your analogy of comparing PAWs to a battle. That is truly what it feels like a lot of the time, like you're in a war with your own mind for dominion over your life. We have very different experiences of it, however, or at least different timelines. When I've gone through PAWs before I found that it increased in intensity for a few weeks and then tapered off down to stability. It gets exhausting - my mood will flip back and forth continuously between two states that are total opposites, and they aren't subtle, its completely obvious to everyone around me to the point where I get accused of being on drugs more often when I'm sober but in PAWs then when I'm actually using. I go from really depressed with absolutely no energy or motivation, my outlook on everything coloured by cynicism. I don't want to be around anyone or do anything and I get a lot of really strong cravings. When it gets really bad it also comes with brain fog and I feel like I'm almost cognitively impaired - I'm slow and my mind is sluggish and I can't comprehend things as quickly or do complex tasks with my normal level of proficiency. This can last anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, and then I'll go to my other mood that PAWs brings, which is basically the opposite. I'm really happy and excitable, I feel really positive about everything, music sounds amazing, everything seems fun, I want to be around people and feel sociable. No challenge is too big because I'll have loads of energy and motivation and everything seems great. I have little to no cravings and have a renewed commitment to staying sober.

That's PAWs for me. Back and forth and back and forth. I spend very, very little time in just a "normal" mood - I'll be at a 2/10 or a 9/10, with the normal euthymic moods occurring only in transitional states - at the start of PAWs for maybe a few hours up to a day, but as time goes on the regular, normal mood starts extending & extending until eventually the mood swings stop. However, the problem is is that to get to that stability I have to endure months of the mood swings going up and down and it's just exhausting. I can't make plans since I don't know which version of myself I will be on the day I'm making plans for and it's just continually disappointing that I keep being given stretches of happiness where everything in life feels so good only to have it taken away from me again & again when I go back down again. It also doesn't help that in both mood states I hate the person I am when I'm on the other side of the spectrum - when I'm depressed I hate the happy version of myself as he seems like a deluded asshole who's happy about nothing and when I'm hyperactively happy I hate the depressed version of myself for being a miserable wanker wallowing in self-pity. I figured before that knowledge of what will happen would help me reign it in, and though it did stop me from lapsing when depressed I had no luck trying to prevent it happening in the first place - only time does that.

Didn't mean to ramble on for this long, sorry! That's my experience of PAWs though and its what I have to look forward to once I come off my subs. I'm not doing too badly the last couple of days - money problems still since my hours at work have only just gone up but because of how the payment system works I won't see the bump in my paycheque until my next payday. I'm looking forward to getting my gym membership back soon, I feel like exercise is so essential. Hope you guys are all doing well!
 

Captain.Heroin

Suicide Obsession
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
94,221
Location
Harvard University
It was one single dose in the morning. Not with a needle. I’m incredibly good at turning stuff down even free heroin.

I’m at a point where I like the bland life and don’t feel the call of the inner party monster.

My body won’t even be able to tolerate the kind of meth dose I was used to lots of years ago and I’m quite thankful the desire went significantly down if not all together disappeared over time.

edit: strike the last comment; I read correctly now
 
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cyberius

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I'll understand if you don't want to talk about it, but what was your meth lapse like?



Interesting. What do you mean when you say you suffered greatly after 1 line of meth? Do you mean the comedown or the guilt from lapsing or both? It's interesting you should mention about the emptiness that comes with complacency. It's on a smaller scale, but I was just saying yesterday to a colleague about how I actually enjoy work a lot more and function better under some stress. Too little and I am bored and don't have much motivation to perform to the best of my ability (may be at least partially because it's just an entry-level theatre job that I have no interest in advancing in as I'll be leaving for university in September), and on the rare occasion where there's way too much - e.g. there was an occasion where we had to go into lockdown as there was a maniac with a knife in the shopping complex that we're a part of who was stabbing random people - then I can feel overwhelmed and can't think clearly enough to be the best I can be. However, when I'm under a good deal of stress, when there's a lot to do and a short space of time to do it and it is humanly possible but just very difficult, then I function way, way better. I feel like I'm on the edge and my brain is lit up and I'm firing on all cylinders and I perform way better. Obviously this is on a micro scale compared to when you speak about your entire life being too comfortable leading to complacency, but perhaps it's analogous?

I like your analogy of comparing PAWs to a battle. That is truly what it feels like a lot of the time, like you're in a war with your own mind for dominion over your life. We have very different experiences of it, however, or at least different timelines. When I've gone through PAWs before I found that it increased in intensity for a few weeks and then tapered off down to stability. It gets exhausting - my mood will flip back and forth continuously between two states that are total opposites, and they aren't subtle, its completely obvious to everyone around me to the point where I get accused of being on drugs more often when I'm sober but in PAWs then when I'm actually using. I go from really depressed with absolutely no energy or motivation, my outlook on everything coloured by cynicism. I don't want to be around anyone or do anything and I get a lot of really strong cravings. When it gets really bad it also comes with brain fog and I feel like I'm almost cognitively impaired - I'm slow and my mind is sluggish and I can't comprehend things as quickly or do complex tasks with my normal level of proficiency. This can last anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, and then I'll go to my other mood that PAWs brings, which is basically the opposite. I'm really happy and excitable, I feel really positive about everything, music sounds amazing, everything seems fun, I want to be around people and feel sociable. No challenge is too big because I'll have loads of energy and motivation and everything seems great. I have little to no cravings and have a renewed commitment to staying sober.

That's PAWs for me. Back and forth and back and forth. I spend very, very little time in just a "normal" mood - I'll be at a 2/10 or a 9/10, with the normal euthymic moods occurring only in transitional states - at the start of PAWs for maybe a few hours up to a day, but as time goes on the regular, normal mood starts extending & extending until eventually the mood swings stop. However, the problem is is that to get to that stability I have to endure months of the mood swings going up and down and it's just exhausting. I can't make plans since I don't know which version of myself I will be on the day I'm making plans for and it's just continually disappointing that I keep being given stretches of happiness where everything in life feels so good only to have it taken away from me again & again when I go back down again. It also doesn't help that in both mood states I hate the person I am when I'm on the other side of the spectrum - when I'm depressed I hate the happy version of myself as he seems like a deluded asshole who's happy about nothing and when I'm hyperactively happy I hate the depressed version of myself for being a miserable wanker wallowing in self-pity. I figured before that knowledge of what will happen would help me reign it in, and though it did stop me from lapsing when depressed I had no luck trying to prevent it happening in the first place - only time does that.

Didn't mean to ramble on for this long, sorry! That's my experience of PAWs though and its what I have to look forward to once I come off my subs. I'm not doing too badly the last couple of days - money problems still since my hours at work have only just gone up but because of how the payment system works I won't see the bump in my paycheque until my next payday. I'm looking forward to getting my gym membership back soon, I feel like exercise is so essential. Hope you guys are all doing well!

My experience of paws is exactly the same!! Up and down up and down... So nauseating... There came a point where after severely overdosing on meth I fell sick with toxic hepatitis and my liver damn near failed. Ever since then comedowns are significantly harder on my body and mind. I can’t tolerate even one line of meth without tweaking out and severely panicking
 

chinup

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rio your description of paws was very useful to me.... pretty much describes myself over the past few months, though the last few weeks its been way more down than up. i hope that at least knowing what to expect helps you prepare yourself for it better.

don't beat yourself up after a tiny lapse you're doing really well.
 
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