Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
Hello everyone.
I've been a Bluelighter for a long time. From my very first intense curiosity about drugs when I was 16, before I'd ever even drank, right up to now. To cut a long story short, I got heavy into smoking weed and then experimented with a large variety of drugs. I became a daily weed smoker but took regular tolerance breaks so I didn't consider myself truly addicted. I tried almost everything but didn't get hooked on anything except cigarettes, and they along with weed & coffee were my only daily vices. When I was 19 I had a manic episode which totally turned my life on its head. I was sectioned, had to drop out of university, and my entire life was derailed. After the mania subsided I fell into a brutal, brutal depression. It was the darkest period of my life and I struggled with thoughts of suicide and an intense hopelessness and misery that I was convinced was permanent. It was during this period that I found heroin.
Typical story. I thought it would be just another in my list of drug experiences and that I'd be able to manage it like all the others I'd tried, enjoyed, but managed to moderate. Just like everyone else thinks. Just like all my fellow junkies, I was wrong. My arrogance and recklessness combined with my depression was my downfall. I tried heroin. I loved heroin. The depression ended up lifting, but the heroin habit stuck around. In the six years since I can best be defined as a chronic relapser. Year in and year out I have periods of using daily followed by stretches of sobriety, either forced because of my lack of money or because of concerted efforts to quit. Neither sobriety nor constant using ends up lasting long. My longest period of continuous sobriety in the last six years has been 8 months during & after rehab, 4 months other than that. My longest period of daily using hasn't been longer than 4 months, but typically the sobriety & using alternates in periods of a few days to a month or so.
I keep trying to stop and I keep failing. I tried rehab and voluntarily attempted to indoctrinate myself into the 12 steps that the whole rehab was based on, but I was continually plagued by doubts about the higher power that underlies it. (Please don't recite to me "We agnostics" or the various lines fed to the non-religious about the spirit of the universe or the power of the group. I know them inside & out and deployed them on the doubtful many, many times in rehab). I think it was a combination of the cognitive dissonance from trying to constantly suppress my doubts about God, the boredom from rehab (I stayed there far too long), the lack of direction I had in life at the time and my mild seasonal depression that led to me relapsing whilst at rehab. I was kicked out, and then fell into the worst period of using I've ever had. I was living with other junkies so I never had to stop for long, I was without any kind of replacement medication (I wasn't even signed up to a drugs agency) and ended up picking up a crack habit as well. I'd tried crack many times before but never fell into it hard, but because it was constantly around I ended up picking that up along with heroin.
I ended up fleeing back home, and since then I have just been trying to quit and relapsing again and again. To be fair to myself, I am achieving longer stretches than before and I am making progress, I just need to find some sticking power. Thankfully, I am insulated from the worst consequences of my using - i have a buprenorphine script to fall back on. It's a double-edged sword however - on the one hand, I no longer have to live my life in fear of withdrawal that drives me to crime, spending my rent/food money and that sheer desperation that comes with impending bad withdrawal, which has improved my life compared to when I didn't have it. However, without having withdrawal to worry about it makes it easier to relapse as I know I can use my subutex and don't have to suffer too badly.
Full disclosure - I have relapsed today. I had a long stretch under my belt, but I have been stressed as work cut my hours to the point where I may be forced to find a new job and I'd been having cravings anyway, so I caved in today. However, I have surrendered control of my money to my mother for a couple of days so I can't continue tomorrow, and want more than anything to get sober again. This is part of what this thread is for - it lets me express myself, organise my thoughts, holds me somewhat accountable, and if somewhere down the line I manage to help someone who can relate to me then that will be great as well. I write a journal most days anyway, so I figured I might as well post it. So here it is. Day 0. Day 1 starts again tomorrow. If anyone has actually read this whole thing - I promise future entries won't be so lengthy!
I've been a Bluelighter for a long time. From my very first intense curiosity about drugs when I was 16, before I'd ever even drank, right up to now. To cut a long story short, I got heavy into smoking weed and then experimented with a large variety of drugs. I became a daily weed smoker but took regular tolerance breaks so I didn't consider myself truly addicted. I tried almost everything but didn't get hooked on anything except cigarettes, and they along with weed & coffee were my only daily vices. When I was 19 I had a manic episode which totally turned my life on its head. I was sectioned, had to drop out of university, and my entire life was derailed. After the mania subsided I fell into a brutal, brutal depression. It was the darkest period of my life and I struggled with thoughts of suicide and an intense hopelessness and misery that I was convinced was permanent. It was during this period that I found heroin.
Typical story. I thought it would be just another in my list of drug experiences and that I'd be able to manage it like all the others I'd tried, enjoyed, but managed to moderate. Just like everyone else thinks. Just like all my fellow junkies, I was wrong. My arrogance and recklessness combined with my depression was my downfall. I tried heroin. I loved heroin. The depression ended up lifting, but the heroin habit stuck around. In the six years since I can best be defined as a chronic relapser. Year in and year out I have periods of using daily followed by stretches of sobriety, either forced because of my lack of money or because of concerted efforts to quit. Neither sobriety nor constant using ends up lasting long. My longest period of continuous sobriety in the last six years has been 8 months during & after rehab, 4 months other than that. My longest period of daily using hasn't been longer than 4 months, but typically the sobriety & using alternates in periods of a few days to a month or so.
I keep trying to stop and I keep failing. I tried rehab and voluntarily attempted to indoctrinate myself into the 12 steps that the whole rehab was based on, but I was continually plagued by doubts about the higher power that underlies it. (Please don't recite to me "We agnostics" or the various lines fed to the non-religious about the spirit of the universe or the power of the group. I know them inside & out and deployed them on the doubtful many, many times in rehab). I think it was a combination of the cognitive dissonance from trying to constantly suppress my doubts about God, the boredom from rehab (I stayed there far too long), the lack of direction I had in life at the time and my mild seasonal depression that led to me relapsing whilst at rehab. I was kicked out, and then fell into the worst period of using I've ever had. I was living with other junkies so I never had to stop for long, I was without any kind of replacement medication (I wasn't even signed up to a drugs agency) and ended up picking up a crack habit as well. I'd tried crack many times before but never fell into it hard, but because it was constantly around I ended up picking that up along with heroin.
I ended up fleeing back home, and since then I have just been trying to quit and relapsing again and again. To be fair to myself, I am achieving longer stretches than before and I am making progress, I just need to find some sticking power. Thankfully, I am insulated from the worst consequences of my using - i have a buprenorphine script to fall back on. It's a double-edged sword however - on the one hand, I no longer have to live my life in fear of withdrawal that drives me to crime, spending my rent/food money and that sheer desperation that comes with impending bad withdrawal, which has improved my life compared to when I didn't have it. However, without having withdrawal to worry about it makes it easier to relapse as I know I can use my subutex and don't have to suffer too badly.
Full disclosure - I have relapsed today. I had a long stretch under my belt, but I have been stressed as work cut my hours to the point where I may be forced to find a new job and I'd been having cravings anyway, so I caved in today. However, I have surrendered control of my money to my mother for a couple of days so I can't continue tomorrow, and want more than anything to get sober again. This is part of what this thread is for - it lets me express myself, organise my thoughts, holds me somewhat accountable, and if somewhere down the line I manage to help someone who can relate to me then that will be great as well. I write a journal most days anyway, so I figured I might as well post it. So here it is. Day 0. Day 1 starts again tomorrow. If anyone has actually read this whole thing - I promise future entries won't be so lengthy!
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