• MDMA &
    Empathogenic
    Drugs

    Welcome Guest!
  • MDMA Moderators: andyturbo | BlueBull | scatterday
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

Status
Not open for further replies.

pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
548
^ Mushrooms actually directly turned my life around following MDMA abuse. Before that I had been depressed and suicidal for months... there were several times I held a loaded gun to my head and just wondered what would happen :\



I had a truly life changing trip that completely set me on the right track, however. I feel that was what really set me back on the road to "normalcy" however. I feel it does have the potential to go quite wrong.. but, for myself it was one of the most beneficial things I've ever done. Almost all signs of depression/anxiety are gone as long as I'm being responsible with my usage


Interesting. But did you experience disassociation from your comedown or just depression/anxiety?


Tripped hard on shrooms recently and redosed heavily near the end of the shroom trip as well. First half of the trip was beautiful, second was still nice but came with more side-effects. Pretty reckless in light of all the issues I have been through. All symptoms intensified directly afterwards and are still a little more prominent today - around 3 weeks after - especially cognitive issues, tinnitus and hppd. I would not recommend shrooms to anyone going through a bad long comedown, but low dose trips may be okay from what I hear. I just got a little greedy and the fiend in me took over that night. I don't know if you can generalise from my experience though since I firmly believe my long term comedown is one of the shittier ones out there due to the sheer range of symptoms I'm experiencing (all of them).


Damn, I wish you didnt take such a huge dose so we can see if it helps. Good luck though. How long have you had the come down. And how bad was everything when you dosed? Were things almost better and you felt confident to trip? Or you just said fuck it?
 

dpd_mnk92

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 5, 2012
Messages
181
10 months at that point. Things were far from alright, but I was in amsterdam for a couple of days and just said fuck it! I think some part of me can't stand being sober, even though it is the only thing I can handle right now, and being in amsterdam was the exact kinda justification I needed to get fucked up on a psychedelic for a whole day.

I personally think a shroom trip, if used correctly (dose, setting, pre-trip mindset) can really help the psychological aspect of the comedown. If you suspect something physiological has occurred, which would manifest itself through certain symptoms, especially HPPD and tinnitus (I believe), then shrooms is too risky imo. The week after was the trip was pretty hellish, even though the trip itself was awesome.
 

pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
548
10 months at that point. Things were far from alright, but I was in amsterdam for a couple of days and just said fuck it! I think some part of me can't stand being sober, even though it is the only thing I can handle right now, and being in amsterdam was the exact kinda justification I needed to get fucked up on a psychedelic for a whole day.

I personally think a shroom trip, if used correctly (dose, setting, pre-trip mindset) can really help the psychological aspect of the comedown. If you suspect something physiological has occurred, which would manifest itself through certain symptoms, especially HPPD and tinnitus (I believe), then shrooms is too risky imo. The week after was the trip was pretty hellish, even though the trip itself was awesome.

ok, so Im trying to gauge me and you. when you say things were far from alright. Were you still experiencing disassociation and anxiety and depression?

Im pretty much out of anxiety and depression, and working on getting my old excitable personality back as well as the disassociation. I just feel a bit dull lately and foggy.

Was the trip like a normal trip? or was it a bit different then usual even though good?
 

Folley

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2011
Messages
12,188
Location
Sitting on a crystal throne in a castle made of LS
Redosing mushrooms usually doesn't end too well... there is something that distinctly separates tryptamines from other drugs.

Mushies in particular definitely need to be treated with respect, especially when in fragile mental states.





I most certainly experienced the full range of symptoms from MDMA abuse, the only thing I can't say I've gone through is brain zaps. I was popping multiple pills every week for quite some time, I went through full-on depersonalization that was simply characterized by a very, VERY deep depression. I feel like I found the meaning I was looking for back when I used to abuse drugs so much... but then subsequently lost it as I became more and more adjusted to regular life.


Such is life, though. No one should expect psychedelics to cure anything, but using them as a tool for improvement (read: not to get high) can have some extremely beneficial results. There is a reason why psychedelics are used in therapy



10 months at that point. Things were far from alright, but I was in amsterdam for a couple of days and just said fuck it! I think some part of me can't stand being sober, even though it is the only thing I can handle right now, and being in amsterdam was the exact kinda justification I needed to get fucked up on a psychedelic for a whole day.

I personally think a shroom trip, if used correctly (dose, setting, pre-trip mindset) can really help the psychological aspect of the comedown. If you suspect something physiological has occurred, which would manifest itself through certain symptoms, especially HPPD and tinnitus (I believe), then shrooms is too risky imo. The week after was the trip was pretty hellish, even though the trip itself was awesome.


A comedown from a shroom trip..? I don't mean to imply that what you did was wrong, but it doesn't seem that right to me :\ I've never had any sort of lingering effects from mushrooms, maybe still feeling a bit off the next day but no lasting "comedown"
 

dpd_mnk92

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 5, 2012
Messages
181
ok, so Im trying to gauge me and you. when you say things were far from alright. Were you still experiencing disassociation and anxiety and depression?

Im pretty much out of anxiety and depression, and working on getting my old excitable personality back as well as the disassociation. I just feel a bit dull lately and foggy.

Was the trip like a normal trip? or was it a bit different then usual even though good?

When I tripped, I was still experiencing all the symptoms that emerged at the start of this experience, just to a lesser degree. My anxiety and depression are probably the closest thing to disappearing at this point (and before I took the shrooms), morphing perhaps into anhedonia + anxiety in social situation predominantly.

The cognitive issues are the worst part of my comedown. I can type quite coherently, but my incredibly bad memory and slow processing speed makes conversations very, very difficult (this and social anxiety feed of each other to make things worse). Other symptoms I had: Tinnitus, HPPD, bruxism, sexual dysfunction, and mild head pressure every now and then.

The first trip was quite normal.. Unfortunately, as folley mentioned, redosing doesn't always work that well with shrooms and that was the case this time. A lot of the insights from the first trip were lost after a second big dose, which sent me into a short period of total disconnection from reality (which was rough). I regained consciousness to an acceptable degree after this, not knowing how long I was "out" for, and things picked up once again and I had a lot of fun after that. Unfortunately, redosing screwed up my memory of the trip and definitely contributed to the intensification of symptoms. I wouldn't have redosed again If I had sobered up enough, some part of me just wants MORE as soon as the effects of any drug begins to wear off a little (this was my downfall with MDMA - a lot of parallels here).
 

dpd_mnk92

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 5, 2012
Messages
181
Redosing mushrooms usually doesn't end too well... there is something that distinctly separates tryptamines from other drugs.

Mushies in particular definitely need to be treated with respect, especially when in fragile mental states.





I most certainly experienced the full range of symptoms from MDMA abuse, the only thing I can't say I've gone through is brain zaps. I was popping multiple pills every week for quite some time, I went through full-on depersonalization that was simply characterized by a very, VERY deep depression. I feel like I found the meaning I was looking for back when I used to abuse drugs so much... but then subsequently lost it as I became more and more adjusted to regular life.


Such is life, though. No one should expect psychedelics to cure anything, but using them as a tool for improvement (read: not to get high) can have some extremely beneficial results. There is a reason why psychedelics are used in therapy






A comedown from a shroom trip..? I don't mean to imply that what you did was wrong, but it doesn't seem that right to me :\ I've never had any sort of lingering effects from mushrooms, maybe still feeling a bit off the next day but no lasting "comedown"

You are completely right. Mushrooms should be used as a tool, and that's what "justified" my trip in spite of everything, but in the end it seems some aspect of my subconscious just desperately wants to get fucked up. Neither Mushrooms nor MDMA are good drugs for getting fucked up - we've got alcohol for that haha.

I currently get long hangovers from any drug I do. Because of my fiendish nature, I have smoked a fair bit of weed, been out drinking a few times and even done k a couple of times despite there being strong evidence that some sort of damage has been done. Every single time I have done a drug, it has taken me a week or more to get back to my post-MDMA baseline emotionally and cognitively - the heavy mushroom trip was the worst of all my post-MD drug hangovers. The one constructive thing this mushroom trip has done for me is to show me that I can ill afford to keep doing drugs (however infrequently compared to past consumption patterns) - I have stopped smoking weed and quit my pack a day smoking habit since 3 weeks ago. So I guess the trip has helped in some sense...

Whilst I don't mean to downplay the severity of your experience, there is absolutely zero chance a mushroom trip (even administered in a therapeutic way) could have dramatically turned things around for me. A better dose may have improved my outlook on life and all (which is arguably all that matters -sure), but at the end of the day, I would still not be able to have sex, I would still have trouble forming meaningful thoughts and putting them into words etc, which are my main problems anyway.
 

pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
548
You are completely right. Mushrooms should be used as a tool, and that's what "justified" my trip in spite of everything, but in the end it seems some aspect of my subconscious just desperately wants to get fucked up. Neither Mushrooms nor MDMA are good drugs for getting fucked up - we've got alcohol for that haha.

I currently get long hangovers from any drug I do. Because of my fiendish nature, I have smoked a fair bit of weed, been out drinking a few times and even done k a couple of times despite there being strong evidence that some sort of damage has been done. Every single time I have done a drug, it has taken me a week or more to get back to my post-MDMA baseline emotionally and cognitively - the heavy mushroom trip was the worst of all my post-MD drug hangovers. The one constructive thing this mushroom trip has done for me is to show me that I can ill afford to keep doing drugs (however infrequently compared to past consumption patterns) - I have stopped smoking weed and quit my pack a day smoking habit since 3 weeks ago. So I guess the trip has helped in some sense...

Whilst I don't mean to downplay the severity of your experience, there is absolutely zero chance a mushroom trip (even administered in a therapeutic way) could have dramatically turned things around for me. A better dose may have improved my outlook on life and all (which is arguably all that matters -sure), but at the end of the day, I would still not be able to have sex, I would still have trouble forming meaningful thoughts and putting them into words etc, which are my main problems anyway.


Damn dude. Stop taking drugs for a while. You want to try something good. Go buy some organic pure Kava Kava root. Mix 4 tablespoons of the powder with milk for 2 minuets in a blender and drink it....... This mix will not only be good for anxiety (actually its supposed to be great for anxiety) I loved it. But its also good for you and should not made you feel worse. I tried this and loved it.

The other drugs are why you are taking so long to get better. Shit im at 8 months now. My anhedonia is gone, anxiety is gone, depression is gone. Be good to your self. If you want help to get back on track. PM me I have literally a list of what im doing to get better and it has payed off well.
 
Last edited:

Folley

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2011
Messages
12,188
Location
Sitting on a crystal throne in a castle made of LS
I feel you DPD, to be honest most times I trip I am just looking for a good time... that's why I haven't done mushrooms in over a year, however. Mushrooms aren't inherently happy or fun like 2C-B or LSD can be, you really have to work for it. That's not to say you can't have an amazingly fun and euphoric time on shrooms, but for myself they are like a harsh, unforgiving teacher. Even in the bad times you can learn something, but if you show up to class expecting to party you are likely to be disappointed. Come into it with an open mind, ready to learn about the most important subject in the world (yourself) and you can come out of it with a LOT, however.



I don't feel mushrooms or any drug is going to "cure" damage caused by MDMA, the damage has already been done and just needs to heal itself overtime... but, I feel one of the MAIN problems following MDMA abuse is the feeling of emptiness and despair. It can suck all the enjoyment out of life... something like psychedelics or even simple therapy that will allow you to take a step back and truly analyze why you feel this way can bring it back full force, however.

I think we really do have WAY more control over our emotions than we acknowledge, the placebo effect is full evidence of that. A tool to help you crack the outer layer of the mind might just be the change you need to get over this hill..... then again, maybe that outer layer is protecting you from a whole world of hurt on the inside.

I say you have to gauge yourself very carefully to see if you could continue with psychedelics or not.. not only for the physical damage caused by MDMA abuse, but the emotional damage as well.
 

MagickalKat777

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 4, 2004
Messages
7,030
Location
Denver, CO
is a shrooms comedown anything like a bad mdma comedown?

Never. Shrooms don't really have a comedown. They are serotonin receptor agonists instead of serotonin releasers so they don't deplete your neurochemicals. If anything, you can get a lift from depression and an afterglow from shrooms.
 

pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
548
It's in the middle of the night for me, and I lie here awake. Another one of my many sleepless nights I've endured during this 5 month long comedown. I feel the need to write to get things off my chest, and I don't expect anyone to read to care about what I'm about to write:

I'm 34 years old and I'm the last year of training for my chosen profession. I've been in school or training my whole life. I won't state my profession but you can imagine what kind of professions require an education such as this. I've been to the best schools in the country. I have excelled academically to get to what I felt to be the best profession I can imagine. My career has been my life and my biggest passion. The sacrifices I have made to get here are unparalleled compared to almost anything else I can think of.

It's a cruel fate I that I suffer this never ending comedown now, in my final year. After 30 years of education and the most intense training I messed with the devil my final six months. I was never into drugs, only weed a couple times in my youth. Why I decided to experiment now I do not know. If I'm supposedly so intelligent, then why I did not research the neurotoxic potential of MDMA I cannot answer. Why I suffered this fate after doing it 4 times is horrible luck, but I should have known better. I was doing great until that last time. My father was in town that weekend, and I ditched him to go celebrate with MDMA with my buddies. If only I hung out with my father that night. If only I I didn't drink so heavily the next night. If only if only....

I wouldn't be here today. Forget the anxiety and depression, my cognitive problems are of enough magnitude where I cannot do my job as it stands right now. Once I finish my training in 7 months, I am on my own. But I will never be able to perform like this. My absence of concentration, brain fog, and mental fatigue have reduced me into a fraction of what I was able to do before. And I can say proudly now that it's gone that I was able to do the impossible.

So where to now Zebrafish? If my career is gone then what now? If 30 years of education and training are down the drain then how do I proceed now? After spending my whole life striving to be at the top, and now unable to think, I find myself thinking this all was in vain. Years upon years of studying in vain. 100 hour work weeks in training in vain. All for one night.

If this has all slipped out of my fingers, then I all I can see is death. My job is so cognitively demanding I don't know how I will recover. After 5 months of no improvement, I just see blackness in my future. No more accomplishment no more triumph no more fulfilling my hard earned life long dream.

To come so far and to fall know that the mercy of a few pills is a regret I cannot face. In my opinion it is worthy of suicide. But I have one problem. I have a wife and 2 small children. I don't know how I can consciously abandon them. I love them dearly. I can't bear the effect it have on my children to go through their life fatherless. If I take my life now, then they would truly suffer. I promised my wife a great life when we got married. I was going to give us a great life for us and our kids. I destroyed that promise with one irresponsible weekend. If I decide to live now, then I will spend the next 50 years waking up everyday in overwhelming regret of who I could have been if it weren't for that night in late June.

Every time I close my eyes, I feel so much pain I can't take it. This is a tragedy I never imagined I could experience. I truly feel trapped. The everlasting sleep of death is so comforting to me, I can feel it eternal blanket wrapping around me as I let this struggle, my dreams, and my experience fade away into bliss.

My fate is coming slowly but surely in 7 'months. By some miracle of this universe I need to get better. But I have so much fear I'm not going to make it. My life's work will be gone just when I'm getting ready to spread my wings. I've seen the studies regarding long term cognitive improvement. Bben's damning posts plague my mind like a cancer.

If I make it out of this alive though with my family and career intact, I can say the air I breathe will never have tasted sweeter, the sun will never have shone brighter, and the simple things in life will never have been so satisfying. My compassion for those struggling will never be greater. I really want to help those suffering, for they like me made a mistake somewhere in life, and they like me just want a second chance.

. I was a sarcastic selfish asshole once. This experience has humbled me to a point where I can say I'm a completely different person. I'm not invincible. I am not better than anyone. My mortality is very real.

If I don't recover from this, and whether I choose death or to to continue my life a living ghost, I will still look back at my journey with half a smile. I have had more than my fair share of fun and laughter. I have helped countless people in their most dire times. I have brought many back from the gates of death who can now live to laugh another day :)

Goodnight my bluelight friends. I love you all. You are all good people.


[EDIT] "Please read the below slowly. I say everything with experience and compassion. Take notes even if you have to. I believe Im giving you promising advice that things will get better. "


Thats heavy dude. All I can say, is at 5 months I was at your position. Hopeless with no light at the end of tunnel. About 3 weeks ago, something weird happened. I had a good day. From that single day on. All my days have been comparable good. I dont mean back to normal, but energy, anxiety, depression mental clarity have all gotten much better, since that day. And have been improving rapidly. 5 months is nothing my dude. Most say this is a one year journey.

In the end, I have changed a lot as well. Im actually oddly grateful for this experience, because I think it will allow me to see what I really need to do with my life.

I can relate to you very much. 8 months ago, I had an amazing job. Im 26 and was an engineer making $65,000 a year and had the next 10-20 years of my life in confidence that I had a secure future. I spend the last 6 years of my life working to get to that point and had the mind frame that this is my career. I felt great and confident. I had to loose my job because of this.

It was a nightmare. I was filled with regret every day that I fucked my life up and my future up and had no idea what to do with my self. I was a mess.

What I did was extraordinary to get my self going back to a good direction. Currently I am confident my recovery will be with in the next 6 months (currently at 8). Ive been doing nothing, but keeping my self in a stress free environment. Ive been taking things slowly (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. DO NOT RUSH YOUR RECOVERY. I see you are stressing your self beyond your ability to cope to try to get your life back on track as fast as possible. THIS WILL NOT WORK OUT FOR YOU AT ALL. This is the time of your life to step back and try to relax. Maybe being in this training program is not the right time. SERIOUSLY TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR LIFE AND ASK "IS THE RIGHT TIME TO BE TRAINING FOR A CAREER?" You might be reevaluate your future, for the next year. I dont know the career your are seeking or the circumstances, but you might be very unfair to yourself to put the stress you are putting on your self.

FOCUS ON THE WORDS THROUGH THE DAY IN TIMES OF TROUBLE "LET GO" This helps. Let go of stress. Let go of fear.

I cant stress this enough. Find compassion for your self. Stop beating your self up. You are living a life of regret and cannot let go of your situation. I can empathize with this completely. I hated my self for what I have done, for ruining my career. How many people at 26 can say they have a career making 65k? All I can think about is how I lost a once in a life time opportunity.

But I truly feel like this was supposed to happen with my life. Because as great as a job I had, the stress that came with the job was not healthy. In fact, my father did the same thing. His lifestyle with work gave him cancer and nearly died. He stepped back from his job and sought a healthier and happier life and is now in remission.

THIS IS WHAT YOU MUST DO TO RECOVER. Start seeking a healthy and happy life. Treat your self with compassion. What does that mean? Imagine your friend came down with this same illness. How would you treat him? Would you yell at him and scold him and tell him he is an idiot all day long? NO! Im sure you would try to give him kind words and hope and help him feel better. This is how you must treat your self. When ever you feel shitty. tell your self "I DONT LIKE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. BUT I BELIEVE THIS WILL NOT LAST FOREVER"

And this will not last forever. This I promise you. If Im getting better, anyone can.

Like you even said, you are a changed person. This experience has humbled you. Made you a better person. Think about this. You said you were a sarcastic selfish asshole.... This type of personality does not a make a good father or husband!

At this rate, being a selfish sarcastic asshole only focusing on your work. It sounds like you were on a path to loosing your marriage and kids if work is all that mattered to you.

If anything, when you recover, this experience will make you a better father and a better husband. Your family will be grateful of your transformation. You will be able to pass on invaluable life knowledge to your kids in time of trouble. They need your help. Use this experience to figure out how you can be a better father. This energy will heal you. I promise

You will get better.

Please PM if you would like to talk more privately. I have somethings that might be help you as well. You not alone my friend.

Keep in touch and keep in pushing on.
 

Badroll7

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 21, 2013
Messages
99
Location
FL
Zebra fish and pmz. That was pretty deep. We are all in this together. I am at one month. I only rolled about four times as well. I can say that it sucks. I'm improving daily. Like pmz said staying in a stress free environment. It's tough because no one can relate besides your blue light fam basically. Go the natural route and take vitamins. Meditate. Think positively. You gonna get through that training and kick ass. Like you said, when you get through this you will have a totally new and improved outlook on life. Read books, play games to get your cognitive functioning back up. I've been playing words with Friends and reading to get back. I've ditched the calculator at work and have been doing it the old fashioned way. This is rough but it ends. Also make sure your getting enough rest. Get a Passion flower tea which Is good for depression and making you sleep like a baby. Become spiritual and pray that you make it through this thing if you believe in anything. I'm about 85 percent better. Only thing I have is head pressure at times and dr every now and then. When you dwell on it that's when it becomes awful. Build your mind back up is possible. I know it's hard but I felt like I was permanently damaged as well. Now I honestly feel that when I'm 100% I'll be sharper than before. There is a lot of people who recover at about the 6 month mark. I've abstained from liquor caffeine or any drugs. Eat healthy. Go get an EEG and MRI that may help with putting your mind at ease. We are all here for you. Tell your self that your gonna get better right now or else you won't. We control this shit. I refuse to live like this. We are young and have bright futures ahead. Pm me or anyone. Everyone is here for each other. One a day vitamins, b12, magnesium, and lots of fruit.
 

dpd_mnk92

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 5, 2012
Messages
181
It's in the middle of the night for me, and I lie here awake. Another one of my many sleepless nights I've endured during this 5 month long comedown. I feel the need to write to get things off my chest, and I don't expect anyone to read to care about what I'm about to write:

I'm 34 years old and I'm the last year of training for my chosen profession. I've been in school or training my whole life. I won't state my profession but you can imagine what kind of professions require an education such as this. I've been to the best schools in the country. I have excelled academically to get to what I felt to be the best profession I can imagine. My career has been my life and my biggest passion. The sacrifices I have made to get here are unparalleled compared to almost anything else I can think of.

It's a cruel fate I that I suffer this never ending comedown now, in my final year. After 30 years of education and the most intense training I messed with the devil my final six months. I was never into drugs, only weed a couple times in my youth. Why I decided to experiment now I do not know. If I'm supposedly so intelligent, then why I did not research the neurotoxic potential of MDMA I cannot answer. Why I suffered this fate after doing it 4 times is horrible luck, but I should have known better. I was doing great until that last time. My father was in town that weekend, and I ditched him to go celebrate with MDMA with my buddies. If only I hung out with my father that night. If only I I didn't drink so heavily the next night. If only if only....

I wouldn't be here today. Forget the anxiety and depression, my cognitive problems are of enough magnitude where I cannot do my job as it stands right now. Once I finish my training in 7 months, I am on my own. But I will never be able to perform like this. My absence of concentration, brain fog, and mental fatigue have reduced me into a fraction of what I was able to do before. And I can say proudly now that it's gone that I was able to do the impossible.

So where to now Zebrafish? If my career is gone then what now? If 30 years of education and training are down the drain then how do I proceed now? After spending my whole life striving to be at the top, and now unable to think, I find myself thinking this all was in vain. Years upon years of studying in vain. 100 hour work weeks in training in vain. All for one night.

If this has all slipped out of my fingers, then I all I can see is death. My job is so cognitively demanding I don't know how I will recover. After 5 months of no improvement, I just see blackness in my future. No more accomplishment no more triumph no more fulfilling my hard earned life long dream.

To come so far and to fall know that the mercy of a few pills is a regret I cannot face. In my opinion it is worthy of suicide. But I have one problem. I have a wife and 2 small children. I don't know how I can consciously abandon them. I love them dearly. I can't bear the effect it have on my children to go through their life fatherless. If I take my life now, then they would truly suffer. I promised my wife a great life when we got married. I was going to give us a great life for us and our kids. I destroyed that promise with one irresponsible weekend. If I decide to live now, then I will spend the next 50 years waking up everyday in overwhelming regret of who I could have been if it weren't for that night in late June.

Every time I close my eyes, I feel so much pain I can't take it. This is a tragedy I never imagined I could experience. I truly feel trapped. The everlasting sleep of death is so comforting to me, I can feel it eternal blanket wrapping around me as I let this struggle, my dreams, and my experience fade away into bliss.

My fate is coming slowly but surely in 7 'months. By some miracle of this universe I need to get better. But I have so much fear I'm not going to make it. My life's work will be gone just when I'm getting ready to spread my wings. I've seen the studies regarding long term cognitive improvement. Bben's damning posts plague my mind like a cancer.

If I make it out of this alive though with my family and career intact, I can say the air I breathe will never have tasted sweeter, the sun will never have shone brighter, and the simple things in life will never have been so satisfying. My compassion for those struggling will never be greater. I really want to help those suffering, for they like me made a mistake somewhere in life, and they like me just want a second chance.

. I was a sarcastic selfish asshole once. This experience has humbled me to a point where I can say I'm a completely different person. I'm not invincible. I am not better than anyone. My mortality is very real.

If I don't recover from this, and whether I choose death or to to continue my life a living ghost, I will still look back at my journey with half a smile. I have had more than my fair share of fun and laughter. I have helped countless people in their most dire times. I have brought many back from the gates of death who can now live to laugh another day :)

Goodnight my bluelight friends. I love you all. You are all good people.

Hi Zebrafish

As someone who has suffered cognitively, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I graduated from high school with the best grades in my entire year of 180 students and am now at a top university where I find myself on the verge of failure. Things which used to be automatic now require extra effort (reading, problem solving etc). I have also had to isolate myself socially because it is difficult going from, in the eyes of others, "the guy who got the best grades despite being a druggie" to a guy who can't keep up with the group in everyday conversation.

BUT, in a lot of ways, I'm okay with what has happened to me. I wasn't a terribly happy person before this experience, despite my fully functional dick, very high IQ and 20/20 vision. I was probably on the road to becoming a world class douchebag with dollar signs in my eyes, coasting through life (in my mind) without ever being really happy. I have now been forced to change my lifestyle in countless ways - many of them for the better (good diet, quitting drugs, regular exercise). An acceptance of the situation I'm in has taken a lot of pressure off my shoulders and forced me to reevaluate my goals. My life is no longer about fulfilling my potential academically and intellectually, it is now about 1) Getting as close to my old self as possible 2) enjoying the rest of my life as much as possible. This change, as you can see, is NOT entirely negative.

IMO, most people in life are totally blind to the fact that THEY DON'T HAVE TO spend all their time working up to that dream high-income job society has been pushing you towards since childhood. You don't HAVE to be smarter than everyone around you. Just because society tells you that being a competitive cunt at the expense of others should be your goal, doesn't mean this HAS to be your goal.

Take a step back and look at the bigger picture! We, as humans, don't even have answers to the most fundamental questions. Seriously - what the fuck is this thing thing called "life" which we are all going through together? In the eyes of the universe, our lives are a mere fraction of a blink. We would do very well to be remembered by ANYONE in 100 years. In 1000? Forget about it.

So why spend our incredibly limited, insignificant time on this planet working painfully long hours so that we can buy nice things? A career-oriented life rarely ever leads to happiness. You have a wife and 2 children who will love you no matter how different you are, how badly you fucked up etc. ACCEPT that this experience will change your life in many ways, but that it doesn't have to change for the worst. By all means, do your best to achieve what you wanted to achieve, but if your plans fall through, you may find that your life may take a good turn in other ways. You will be able to devise a new plan that caters to your interests and your family rather than your intellectual ability.

Here are the TOP 5 regrets of the dying:
"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
"I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
"I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings."
"I wish I stayed in touch with my friends"
"I wish that I had let myself be happier."

I find this really puts things in perspective. Be optimistic about your recovery, but offset this by being sufficiently realistic. Try to turn your terrible experience into a positive one. I think that's the least we can do in this situation.
 
Last edited:

Badroll7

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 21, 2013
Messages
99
Location
FL
People who survived this or have gotten better, thanks for sticking around and giving guys like myself hope. Now I feel myself getting better. I'm gonna do the same and can't wait till the day when I'm 100%again. Shits gonna be real then. I have a total outlook on life. I'm glad to be living and will definitely start positively impacting the world.
 

Spadez87

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2013
Messages
175
Sadly it has been over 10 years since it all went downhill for me. I just want to add that this definitely doesn't mean it will take anyone else this long to recover. My case is definitely complicated by pre existing anxiety issues. In fact it could be MDMA is nothing to do with my problems, although I obsess over the fact it probably is.
No MDMA incident ever triggered my issues, but I was using heavily around that period.
I have powerful generalised anxiety which manifests as derealisation, depersonalisation, difficulty concentrating and many physical sensations. I have strong social anxiety and in general feel like I suffer inside my head constantly. Life is hard. Sometimes very very hard. I do have good periods though where I get by ok and feel happy-ish. I just never ever have a peaceful experience since the day it all started, and feel as though my mind is incredibly noisy.
I take your point that 4g in 4 days is a lot, but actually 3.3g in 1 night is far worse. I really worry I have pushed myself past the brink and I am suffering from a permanently burnt out serotonin system. Medical professionals believe I am ok and my anxiety is psychological.
From what I have read this does sound very possible, and I think the cast majority of people who have these problems from drugs simply 'trip' a switch and then sustain it by worrying. The original drug incident is fairly insignificant- it just triggered it like a very stressful situation could. It seems to be that people get the same problems as me sometimes from just 1 pill, so I really don't think (logically) that it is brain damage. Unfortunately, the illogical part of me does believe it and I am scared to death by the worry :(

Thanks for replying so quickly by the way.

I hear you man. About 9 years ago at 17 I started doing ecstasy about 4 times a week, minimum 4-6 pills (some times 10-15) a trip for 4 years. I have SEVER anxiety ( also displays it's self physically like your self) border line personality disorder and major depression. I did have minor anxiety b4 but at 21 when I last took E is when shit stared to( and still is) really bad. I'm 26 now.

I too feel I have screwed myself for life. Then again it might not be the MDMA/whatever was in the "E" but also the massive amounts of weed and benzos I abused. Also the dabbling on opiates and coke here and there.

I think we did to much tbh. But I quit quit pot (finally) 2 months ago and am tapering of my benzos for the 4th and final time.

Do you take benzos? IMO/ime benzos have fucked me and made all my mental illness worse in the 9 years I've been using them... I'd taper off and wait a year and see if u feel better.

This being said I'm sure the amounts of MDMA played atleast some role I'm our mental suffering. Like you it started at the same time I was doing that stupid shit to myself.

Best of luck and I hope it doesn't take us another 9 or ten years without feeling better.
 

Badroll7

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 21, 2013
Messages
99
Location
FL
dude holy shit I just listened to this and it works. I almost fell asleep lol
 

futura2012

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 28, 2012
Messages
1,371
Location
United Kingdom
There are some very interesting discussion points raised in this thread..

Once you are fueled on a day to day basis with anxiety this is the kind of thing that your mind goes through..

Such as

"Why did I take this drug?"
"I am now damaged forever"
"I will never feel happy again"
"My brain is damaged from this experience"
"My career is now destroyed"

etc etc.

I can honestly say from my recovery experience that I think a lot of my pain and suffering was caused by focussing on these thoughts and then going over and over things effectively creating my own personal "horror stories". I would then apply these stories to how my life was going to end up and drive my anxiety and pain further and further into a downward spiral.

I would trawl through google trying to find threads and information about people who were suffering from TBI or major depressive illness and make the assumption this was me. I am now doomed forever right?

This infact could not be further from the truth.

Yes life for me I have lost my business and many aspects of my life that I thought would be with me forever. but... what this experience has done has now made me value different things. I have new friends, new places new attitude. Life has changed a lot!! and when i say changed a lot it really has.

So have I returned to my old self? that I always craved during my darkest months?

The answer is NO I havent. I am not my old self I am a new person. Someone who has been through a tough time and evolved my thoughts and values towards life.

So selfish? Definitely not. It brings me joy to help others and my input to people and life is not selfish anymore.

Brain damaged? No cognotive function fine. Memory a bit hazey. But in terms of how I feel I can live with the hazey memory.

Have I destroyed my career? Yes I have - my last career is dead and buried. Do I care? yes I miss it and I miss the money but now I am well something new will follow. As I am travelling I am getting many new ideas. Maybe a new career will develop that is more successful who knows?

Will I ever feel happy again? Absolutely yes. I feel 100% happy again. I am meeting new people and each day I wake up more doors open.


There is a great expression here and this is a fundamental point to your recovery...

"For Every Door that closes another one opens"

It seems that during our anxiety fueled days we like to focus on the "closed doors"

My point here is focus your mind on the doors that "have yet to be opened".

By making this fundamental change to your thoughts and idealologies then I think the doom of what you could have been and regret to what you may have done will change.

If you learn to accept, learn to accept the place you are currently in then recovery will be an easier path to follow.


Good luck to everyone I am strarting to receive more and more recovery stories from people I have been helping over the past couple of years so there is a very clear pattern emerging here:

YOU WILL GET BETTER.

I cannot stress this enough.

Life is about to change. Dont chase history.

Move

"Onwards and Upwards".

futura xx
 

jethro1000

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 13, 2013
Messages
47
^^^
Very well said futura and thanks for the help when i was hopeless.

-Recovery is impossible if you dont believe you will recover.
Stop fighting it, stop scaring yourself just go on with your life.

If thoughts like:
"I will not recover"
"Yesterday was ok and now Why do i feel this way again"
"I miss myself"
Etc.

Just relax its just a thought,
CHANGE HOW YOU REACT TO THIS FEELINGS AND RECOVERY WILL FOLLOW.
 

pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
548
Totally agree with the previous statements. The most important tool for recovering for me was focusing on how I can keep busy and try new things.

Most of my symptoms have tapered off significantly. Shit. I even went snowboarding yesterday despite my visual snow and squirrly vision. I still had a blast. But do things out side your comfort zone.

Question to futura or anyone.... did u get visual snow snow? Has that cleared up?

It made boarding last night a bit challenging.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top