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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

semisober

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 14, 2020
Messages
4
Definitely last post because I feel like I’m getting way way too emotionally involved in this.

I’ve already said on every post that I have written that I recognise and I understand that all your symptoms are very real. Everything that I write is purely just my opinion.


After I had my bad experience, I had horrible physical symptoms for a year and then for another year I had psychological symptoms; really terrifying psychological symptoms.

If I had these symptoms now, I would be able to cope with them. As a 18 year old, I felt like the world was ending. I didn’t understand anything to do with neuroscience and I didn’t know what was happening to me.

I have a really good family and I had a psychologist who was really great and who always told me that it was PTSD. I believed my psychologist and I got better.

What concerns me is that there is some teenager in a care home somewhere who doesn’t have anywhere to turn to and is going through the ‘LTC’. They read a post from some old guy on this forum who was dealt some shit hands in life. Maybe their girlfriend left them, maybe an employer never saw their potential, maybe their teacher never saw their potential, maybe they were/are a poly drug user, etc etc.

That teenager then completely disregards the idea that it might be a mental health thing that will get better with time (cause it’s really difficult to wrap your head around). They then try all the tips on the recovery program and don’t get results and then they start thinking maybe that old dude was right and I’m permanently brain damaged because of that one time I took MDMA. Then said teenager kills themselves.

It’s normal to experience physical things sometimes (especially as you get older). Do you really think you are experiencing physical problems because of something you took ex amount of years ago? I’ve already said on a previous post that if you are concerned about a physical problem then see your dr about it. This is just my opinion, but those of you who say they don’t have anxiety, I think yous kind of do. You are on a forum worrying that you have damaged yourself because of something you took years ago.
I’ve also said that I don’t think it’s completely psychological. At one point there was obviously a chemical imbalance, but after a few days this would have sorted itself. Although by the time it sorted itself a lot of people would have already started worrying, ruminating, researching, obsessing and on route to the LTC. People are creatures of habit.

I think a lot of you would really benefit from watching the derealization manual.
There are people that get spiked with MDMA (especially girls for obvious reasons). These people don’t seem to go through the ‘LTC’. Why is that? Is it something that comes from knowing that you might have harmed yourself and that you can’t trust yourself? Who knows? I for one felt like everytime I accomplished something or laughed at something I got a little bit of myself back. I don’t have all the answers and I never claimed to.
After my bad MDMA experience, I remember thinking to myself that I wished I had done more when I was still healthy and that I wasted so much time worrying about stupid stuff and loads of other funny stuff. However, the truth is I didn’t do more stuff then because I was busy worrying about something else.

Your life wasn’t perfect before MDMA and it won’t be perfect after, but it’ll be a whole lot better. It’ll be real. Cause that’s the problem with MDMA, it makes you feel like your on cloud nine, but it’s fake, it’s chemical. Real happiness might not be anywhere near as intense but it’s a whole lot better. The first time you hold your child, the first time the person you love says they love you (knowing that it’s not some man made chemical pulling on the puppet strings). You’re going to worry, you’re going to worry for the rest of your life; you’ll worry about your children, you’ll worry about your partner, you’ll worry about climate change, you’ll worry about your parents. Just don’t worry about MDMA.

I’m praying for you all to get better. I’ve been told in the past that the way I say things can come across as too direct and matter of fact. I don’t know what’s wrong with all of you, if yous are experiencing the same thing or something different. Only you can really know. I was just giving my opinion in the hope that I could help someone.
Regardless of what you are going through. The best thing you can do for yourself is to believe that it will get better. Peace out.

I will preface this by saying that more than anything I want to believe that I have a transient, treatable anxiety disorder, or some other similar medical condition that could be cured or improved through treatment.
At the same time, I’ve had periodically worsening cognitive symptoms for 3+ years now that are increasingly making it impossible to live a normal life. This started the week after taking mdma at a festival in 2017 as persistent brain fog, memory issues and sexual dysfunction. I was a fairly experienced mdma user, very familiar with harm reduction and best practices. I took safety very seriously. I didn’t have a bad reaction the first time I took the drug, I didn’t have a bad trip and I didn’t do anything crazy.
As you mention, millions of people take mdma each year. And we know that it is involved in some chemical processes in the brain that, under certain circumstances, are neurotoxic and damage or destroy neurons. Isn’t it a fairly reasonable explanation that for some small % of those users, they would experience an outlier event and have something go wrong neurologically even under seemingly safe conditions? And that destruction could manifest in a wide variety of ways depending on what neurons were damaged.
It unfortunately seems much more likely to me that some kind of brain damage took place to cause this than we are all experiencing extreme physical symptoms of anxiety. I desperately don’t want this to be true. I don’t want to have gotten epically fucking unlucky that I am the poor .01% outlier who had some kind of catastrophic reaction to very mundane mdma usage.
And the real mind fuck is that we can’t know for sure. There is no test a doctor can run to scan our brain and see what is happening. We can’t see the neurons involved in memory or emotion or other functions to see that some of them aren’t working correctly. We can’t see if this is related to impaired blood flow, transmitter imbalances, inflammation or some other breakdown. So a lot of people post here desperately hoping someone else has a magic fix that worked for them that we can try, because there is no break from feeling like this. It’s in our mind and we have to confront it every single day. And we are desperate to find something.
 

Deep_Fried

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 17, 2020
Messages
5
Many have said it before and to me it feels the same: Anxiety and Depression have similiar effects to our MDMA induced brain damage. And yes scientific data suggests that some people might be more vulnerable. Scientific data also suggests, that the damage can be healed to some degree. So the only way is to get out of the anxiety and depression and start the healing process. It really is a vicious circle. Stress from worrying prevents your brain from healing and damages it even more.

I can feel the progress very strongly and absolutely believe in recovery. My recovery started once I didn´t care anymore and got rid of any anxiety, regret and hate. A mindset that will serve you well in your post LTC life as well. Spring is coming in the northern hemisphere - go out and enjoy yourself!
 
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foolsgold25

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 4, 2010
Messages
48
I’ve followed this thread for years & I have struggled with these exact symptoms myself, I probably took around 1000 pills in my life & I’m 30 now. It took lots of work but I live a good happy life now, I am left with some social anxiety which was probably made worse by excessive drug use. The only advice I can give is what has worked for me.

1. Stop doing drugs (serotogenic kind especially) Allow your brain to fully recover as much as possible -
2. Stop over analysing these threads daily, read them maybe once a week, your brain needs filling with positive things daily so always searching for answers can make things more difficult.
3. Exercise daily, 30 minutes, jogging or weights is a good start.
4. Eat healthy, nutrient rich food and drink water - I cut out coffee & sugar & went veggie which all helped.
5. I also took 5htp for a long time, It may of helped with balancing my serotonin levels but I can’t be sure of that, I actually found it quite difficult to stop taking & causes me some problems.
6. Travel & get out of your comfort zone, life is for living, even though during that time I was dying inside it did help me with gaining a new perspective on life.

I have visited my GP so many times over the past 10 years to try and get help, all blood tests came back normal and I was offered medication & nothing else. It takes time but those are the steps which I took, it is still a battle sometimes but I guess life is a battle; we’re all suffering in some way or another.peace
 

Fendi246

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 21, 2021
Messages
2
Hi everybody, been suffering from what I believe is this thing for about coming up to about 3 and a half years now (summer 2017) I never was a drug user and I never experience ecstasy/mdma before, I took it one time at a festival 3 years ago and that’s where the array of symptoms of what everybody talks about in here has happened, tripped me to fuck out, thought the same as some you thought I was gonna die gonna go crazy, constant intrusive thoughts the whole 9 yards, I went from there to going a very natural route which helped me reduce the physical sensations but the psychological stayed with me but at moments there were times when I wouldn’t have no anxiety anymore or wouldn’t be studying it cause I guess I was so distracted, but up until last year something I guess traumatic happened to me, I moved to place I never been before and tried to start a new life basically when I wasn’t even recovered yet, which set off everything again and even heavy depression now came with it, which is weird cause it didn’t start with depression but not I have it, so I had to move back to my original home and restart again, when full natural all supplements excercise meditation, acupuncture etc and nothing really helped, my psychologist and psychiatrist which I started seeing because of this incident recommended me to go on meds, lexapro 10mg, which felt like shit the first week, but then it worked wondersssss for about 4 months then I caught covid and for some reason that triggered everything again to pop up so I’m back at square 1, I highly doubt all this bullshit I see that it possibly could be brain damage i think that’s just an irrelevant discussion I do believe it has more of a fact that it could be underlying disorders that were brought up? Just cause I my case before this I used to smoke weed heavy And nothing happened to me before with that (btw ecstasy/mdma) was the only ever drug I ever tried except for weed alcohol and cigarettes. But I don’t want to believe that I want to believe that this is more a temporary thing but how long is it gonna last cause it’s fustrating say the least, especially the intrusive thoughts and depression those are just pain, I’m still on lexapro 10 mg and I don’t drink don’t smoke and take supplements and other things but how long till really any sort of recovery kicks in please let me know!
 

ar223

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 17, 2020
Messages
17
Question to those who have gotten better,
did you get worse before you got better?
also alot of people recovering have said they got better seemingly overnight, what was your experience?

asking because right now for the past 2 weeks it seems like my symptoms are worse
 

Fendi246

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 21, 2021
Messages
2
Question to those who have gotten better,
did you get worse before you got better?
also alot of people recovering have said they got better seemingly overnight, what was your experience?

asking because right now for the past 2 weeks it seems like my symptoms are worse
I feel like sometimes it does get way worse before I gets better you just have to kind of ride it out, but continue doing certain things. Excercise,meditation, supplements etc. it will get better for you, for both of us!
 

Deep_Fried

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 17, 2020
Messages
5
Question to those who have gotten better,
did you get worse before you got better?
also alot of people recovering have said they got better seemingly overnight, what was your experience?

asking because right now for the past 2 weeks it seems like my symptoms are worse
It goes in circles - like a roller coaster. Meanwhile I am happy, when I have an evening with blurred vision, because I know I will be a notch better the day after. So Yes it gets worse before getting better, although not always.
 

Wheella

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 23, 2020
Messages
14
I had rhabdomyolysis (absolute hell on Earth) and kidney failure because of MDMA. I was in a coma for 5 days and on airvo (ventilator). All my family were round my bedside waiting to see if I would wake up, but you’re so right; what you are going through is much much worse.



Maybe the way I write things is not very sensitive, but I feel like a lot of you need to wake up.



If you want to believe you’re permanently fucked because of MDMA then that’s up to you, but this will not lead to you getting better due to the permanent nature of this belief.



Millions of young people all over the world take MDMA. It’s part of our culture. We have been taught that it’s safe, that it’s something that people do at parties, and that’s something that can heal. As we have all found, this just isn’t true. My IQ is well above average, but in the words of Stephen Hawking- IQ is for losers. However, it’s not permanently damaged you. You are suffering because you made the ‘LTC’ your religion.



This will be the last post I write because I feel like a lot of people on here don’t actually want to get better and just want to vent.



I’m sorry that all of you are suffering so much because of this drug and I understand that your symptoms are very real. A lot of you are channelling your energy in the wrong direction. I really hope that you all recover.



All my love, coma girl.
Grateful for your positivity, you’re an inspiration to many. Keep sharing the good vibes.
 

andman1326

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 7, 2021
Messages
12
Question to those who have gotten better,
did you get worse before you got better?
also alot of people recovering have said they got better seemingly overnight, what was your experience?

asking because right now for the past 2 weeks it seems like my symptoms are worse
Guess I never left ;)
It's been almost 2 months since my reckless idiotic binge. I won't ever touch M again and this whole scenario made me reconsider almost all aspects of my life.

To answer your questions. Yes.

I continue to get closer and closer to being normalized.
I didn't sleep for about 2 days, loss all appetite and libido went to zero.

Things would come back, spike, then ebb away.

I had tinnitus, it quiet down, then I'd wake up and one of my ears would have a wailing (like the brain was struggling to heal).

The first 5 weeks my anxiety was almost out of control. Slowly I would have days where I felt normal, then it'd go away, then come back. Slowly I've been cycling towards my original self.

I probably still have another 4-6 weeks before I'm guaranteed to a stable baseline. Still some leftover anxiety.


To help fall asleep at night I take seroquel (Quetiapine) and take lithium throughout the day (helps calm my nerves). I'll eventually be able to ween myself off of those as well.

You can get seroquel off of alldaychemist (will take 3-5 weeks to get to usa though). I caution lithium if you've never used it before.

All of this has been one incredibly trying time. Luckily I'm at the end of it.

I live in a separate house my parents own and went down into the basement and did pullups on the pipes to check if they would hold my weight. That is I considered hanging myself. Please don't do this folks. We're all strangers but let's show some love for one another. Hang in there!

Recap on my timeline:

I discovered MDMA in July on the Dark Web. I consumed between July-November 1.5 grams, sometimes 500mg binges in one day. Finished 1 gram over 5 days no problem.

Jan 7-8th did about 1.1-1.2 grams redosing 100mg 5-6 times a night over 2 days. SO FUCKING STUPID. I KNEW I WAS SCREWING MYSELF. luckily I drank a ton of water.

The following week had trouble eating low sleep quality. Extreme derealization/Depersonalization and anxiety. The DR/DP abated after a week but the anxiety was insane and very unpleasant.

Loss appetite and loss 20 pounds, went from 225 lbs to 205 lbs. Ate back about 5-7 lbs.

The extreme anxiety lasted about 6 weeks, still sticks around a little but getting better. I had to pace around, couldn't do much cognitive work. I ended up snow blowing my entire streets sidewalks and some of my neighbor street driveways because I was so anxious and had to burn off that energy. Earned some good faith with my neighbors though :giggle:(y)

I'm healed enough where I know I'll be baseline again in another 1-2 months with no issues.

Yeah it sucks... but do what you can to try to keep your sanity. Use this time to revaluate your life as I have. Actually changing my career because all of this.

Take care everybody.
 
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SaintSoleil

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2021
Messages
6
Hey guys,

I think it's time for me to start sharing my story, it has been 3 months for me now. I don't do M very often at all, I'm 35M, I have done it in the past maybe like 10 times. But for the past 4 year I have only done it like 2 times.

In early December 2020, I took 1.5 pill of M (no idea how many grams), I took half and re-dosed every 2 hours twice. It was the strongest M I've done in my life, all my friends agreed, the night was super amazing. At about 5 am one of the friends had a seizure and we had to rushed her to the hospital, she woke up few hours after. I went home and sleep (11 hours deep sleep), nothing happened.

The next morning, everything were fine, woke up, ate, exercise, chilled. The nightmare started at night, I went to bed around 23.00 and I couldn't get myself to fall asleep, I ended up staying up all night just laying in bed until sunrise. Since then I have been going through a really bad comedown, with really bad insomnia for the first week. When the following week I had all the symptoms in the world, dizziness, vertigo, head pressure/tension ,headache, insomnia, upset stomach , hyperacusis, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, cold/sweaty feet and MOST of all anxiety (luckily no depression and dpdr). Everyday I have this thought of punishing myself for what has happened, I keep blaming myself from sunrise to sunset. None of my friends who rolled with me had any comedown, they just woke up and got back to their lives.

The first month I would get this strong dizziness + headache (lasted 1-3 hours) that made me unable to concentrate anything, I had to get away from the world and be with myself. My anxiety was at all time high, I symptom-checked myself every 10 minutes, I couldn't express my emotions, no sexual desire, I was very miserable and at one point even suicidal ! I lost like 5 kgs. I was one of the few people to get my hands on Playstation 5 and I wasn't excited at all! I was emotionless, I couldn't laugh or enjoy anything, every day I just wanna sit and do nothing. I wasted my spotify and netflix subscription for 2 months as I have no desire to listen/watch anything.

For a month, I roamed around reddit and bluelight, looking for the magic pill to heal myself as I strongly believed I had brain damage (I have DMed so many people looking for a cure). I went to the hospital and have my brain scanned, everything came out fine. I started taking all the supplements, like 5HTP with green tea extract, b complex, fish oil, NAC and multi-vitamins. (none of it seem to help, and i stopped taking it after a month). I had to take sleeping medication for sleep and still I cannot sleep well at all.

After the first month, I re-adjusted my life to fight it, I started eating healthier, exercise (30 minutes cardio everyday), meditate, stopped drinking (I still smoke 3-4 cigs a day) and tried to talk positive things to myself everyday. Nothing seemed to work for the whole month, no improvement whatsoever. I was very hopeless, I thought my life was over.

I started to noticed improvements after 2 months, somehow my anxiety disappeared overnight, or I was able to managed it or I learned to live with it. I don't know why, it could be that my serotonin slowly balanced itself out. Once the anxiety went away, things started to get better. The dizziness/vertigo/sweaty feet/upset stomach were gone. I stopped symptom-checking and slowly gain my emotions and appetite back. My sleep was slowly getting better, it was easier to fall asleep and i was able to sleep longer. I started to believe that I will heal.

Now, I am 3 months in, the head pressure and headache are still there but somehow I don't care about it, I don't feel it if I don't think about it. Some days it is worsen but some days it is lessen, I just ignore it. LOL I don't know maybe I am used to the pain now. But being able to not symptom-check it every 10 minutes is a huge weight off my shoulders. I am now able to enjoy life again. I know that I still have a long way to go, maybe months, and that it is still a roller coaster ride, only time will tell but I am mentally prepared (I would say I'm around 85-90% my old-self). I will keep up my healthy diet, exercise and live a normal life.

I know that a lot of people are going through a lot worse than me, and I'm really sorry for you guys, I understand the pain, I pray that you will heal very soon ! But for those who have just started going through a comedown, stop blaming yourself ! You gotta let go and relax (It is very hard I know), but you cannot let your anxiety get the better of you, forgive yourself, believe you will heal and trust the process. Stop reading online (VERY IMPORTANT), you won't find any the answer you look for, many stories are doomed with negativities, because I believe most people who healed from it don't return to tell their success stories, they just moved on with life! Time and fighting spirit will heal you, Like many have said the recovery will start once you can control your anxiety. You will become stronger and better person for it, I know that I have. Don't let this ruined your life/goals/relationships, I was lucky that my family and girlfriend understood and supported me.

My heart goes to everyone battling this ! Take care guys !
 
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ar223

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 17, 2020
Messages
17
Hey guys,

I think it's time for me to start sharing my story, it has been 3 months for me now. I don't do M very often at all, I'm 35M, I have done it in the past maybe like 10 times. But for the past 4 year I have only done it like 2 times.

In early December 2020, I took 1.5 pill of M (no idea how many grams), I took half and re-dosed every 2 hours twice. It was the strongest M I've done in my life, all my friends agreed, the night was super amazing. At about 5 am one of the friends had a seizure and we had to rushed her to the hospital, she woke up few hours after. I went home and sleep (11 hours deep sleep), nothing happened.

The next morning, everything were fine, woke up, ate, exercise, chilled. The nightmare started at night, I went to bed around 23.00 and I couldn't get myself to fall asleep, I ended up staying up all night just laying in bed until sunrise. Since then I have been going through a really bad comedown, with really bad insomnia for the first week. When the following week I had all the symptoms in the world, dizziness, vertigo, head pressure/tension ,headache, insomnia, upset stomach , hyperacusis, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, cold/sweaty feet and MOST of all anxiety (luckily no depression and dpdr). Everyday I have this thought of punishing myself for what has happened, I keep blaming myself from sunrise to sunset. None of my friends who rolled with me had any comedown, they just woke up and got back to their lives.

The first month I would get this strong dizziness + headache (lasted 1-3 hours) that made me unable to concentrate anything, I had to get away from the world and be with myself. My anxiety was at all time high, I symptom-checked myself every 10 minutes, I couldn't express my emotions, no sexual desire, I was very miserable and at one point even suicidal ! I lost like 5 kgs. I was one of the few people to get my hands on Playstation 5 and I wasn't excited at all! I was emotionless, I couldn't laugh or enjoy anything, every day I just wanna sit and do nothing. I wasted my spotify and netflix subscription for 2 months as I have no desire to listen/watch anything.

For a month, I roamed around reddit and bluelight, looking for the magic pill to heal myself as I strongly believed I had brain damage (I have DMed so many people looking for a cure). I went to the hospital and have my brain scanned, everything came out fine. I started taking all the supplements, like 5HTP with green tea extract, b complex, fish oil, NAC and multi-vitamins. (none of it seem to help, and i stopped taking it after a month). I had to take sleeping medication for sleep and still I cannot sleep well at all.

After the first month, I re-adjusted my life to fight it, I started eating healthier, exercise (30 minutes cardio everyday), meditate, stopped drinking (I still smoke 3-4 cigs a day) and tried to talk positive things to myself everyday. Nothing seemed to work for the whole month, no improvement whatsoever. I was very hopeless, I thought my life was over.

I started to noticed improvements after 2 months, somehow my anxiety disappeared overnight, or I was able to managed it or I learned to live with it. I don't know why, it could be that my serotonin slowly balanced itself out. Once the anxiety went away, things started to get better. The dizziness/vertigo/sweaty feet/upset stomach were gone. I stopped symptom-checking and slowly gain my emotions and appetite back. My sleep was slowly getting better, it was easier to fall asleep and i was able to sleep longer. I started to believe that I will heal.

Now, I am 3 months in, the head pressure and headache are still there but somehow I don't care about it, I don't feel it if I don't think about it. Some days it is worsen but some days it is lessen, I just ignore it. LOL I don't know maybe I am used to the pain now. But being able to not symptom-check it every 10 minutes is a huge weight off my shoulders. I am now able to enjoy life again. I know that I still have a long way to go, maybe months, and that it is still a roller coaster ride, only time will tell but I am mentally prepared (I would say I'm around 85-90% my old-self). I will keep up my healthy diet, exercise and live a normal life.

I know that a lot of people are going through a lot worse than me, and I'm really sorry for you guys, I understand the pain, I pray that you will heal very soon ! But for those who have just started going through a comedown, stop blaming yourself ! You gotta let go and relax (It is very hard I know), but you cannot let your anxiety get the better of you, forgive yourself, believe you will heal and trust the process. Stop reading online (VERY IMPORTANT), you won't find any the answer you look for, many stories are doomed with negativities, because I believe most people who healed from it don't return to tell their success stories, they just moved on with life! Time and fighting spirit will heal you, Like many have said the recovery will start once you can control your anxiety. You will become stronger and better person for it, I know that I have. Don't let this ruined your life/goals/relationships, I was lucky that my family and girlfriend understood and supported me.

My heart goes to everyone battling this ! Take care guys !
Good to hear you are getting better, hows your sex drive now?
 

penguortex

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 25, 2021
Messages
5
I have 2 questions for yall. How bad was the initial hell week that yall went through cause I was legit straight-up panic attack non stop for 4 days with soul-crushing depression where I literally wanted to end my life. However now 9 weeks later I'm doing much better but still, have some mood swings. Do yall also get quite large mood swings through the day such as waking up depressed than being fine at night
 

dth103

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 1, 2018
Messages
8
Yo you guys///this dp/dr is fucking off the chain. I'm currently on a bunch of gabapentin and seroquel, which I will cease taking as it affects 5HTA-2 receptors. The dp/dr ALWAYS arrives around 5pm and lasts until I take absurd amounts of gabapentin or the clock strikes midnight. I swear its fucking clockwork.

My LTC originally started in the spring of 2018. During that time I remember I was also taking gabapentin, but I cold turkey'd it. The dp/dr seemed like it was there to stay, so in desperation I started taking a TRT level of TESTOSTERONE, HGH, and numerous peptides. It pretty much cured my LTC.

Since then, I have taken MDMA again, and relapsed on opiods and cocaine....which ultimately resulted in me getting status epilectus from benzo w/d that necessitated putting me in a coma for 2 months to stop the seizures.

This was about 6 months ago. I am now sober from all drugs. The LTC symptoms have returned in full force and I am left wondering if it is actually an LTC, or brain damage that i suffered from the coma and seizures ( I actually suffered brain damage, I had to relearn how to walk and talk, I dont remember the past year of my life, etc... )

So on top of the normal health anxiety from LTC, I also have paranoia and a seething, molten, scorching, desire to find out what the fuck is causing my symtoms.

Anyways, stay strong everyone. Read the success stories. Stop using drugs. LIFT WEIGHTS!

I know how fucking crazy LTC can be. I've decided that I'm gonna fuck around and find out what 1 year of healthy living can do for my LTC. Make the same commitment as me, y'all!
 

ar223

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 17, 2020
Messages
17
Yo you guys///this dp/dr is fucking off the chain. I'm currently on a bunch of gabapentin and seroquel, which I will cease taking as it affects 5HTA-2 receptors. The dp/dr ALWAYS arrives around 5pm and lasts until I take absurd amounts of gabapentin or the clock strikes midnight. I swear its fucking clockwork.

My LTC originally started in the spring of 2018. During that time I remember I was also taking gabapentin, but I cold turkey'd it. The dp/dr seemed like it was there to stay, so in desperation I started taking a TRT level of TESTOSTERONE, HGH, and numerous peptides. It pretty much cured my LTC.

Since then, I have taken MDMA again, and relapsed on opiods and cocaine....which ultimately resulted in me getting status epilectus from benzo w/d that necessitated putting me in a coma for 2 months to stop the seizures.

This was about 6 months ago. I am now sober from all drugs. The LTC symptoms have returned in full force and I am left wondering if it is actually an LTC, or brain damage that i suffered from the coma and seizures ( I actually suffered brain damage, I had to relearn how to walk and talk, I dont remember the past year of my life, etc... )

So on top of the normal health anxiety from LTC, I also have paranoia and a seething, molten, scorching, desire to find out what the fuck is causing my symtoms.

Anyways, stay strong everyone. Read the success stories. Stop using drugs. LIFT WEIGHTS!

I know how fucking crazy LTC can be. I've decided that I'm gonna fuck around and find out what 1 year of healthy living can do for my LTC. Make the same commitment as me, y'all!
Stay strong brother! My symptoms are like clockwork too, after 8pm everything starts to become better and around 10pm my symptoms are 80% gone
 

Berendje

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 17, 2017
Messages
42
Crazy I’ve heard this more. For me it’s the same, and the better I feel in the evening the worse it’s in the morning after.
 

whyme103

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 12, 2021
Messages
2
Hi

I just wanted to write my story to see if anyone has dealt with similar symptoms and just some way of looking for hope that i will get better. On the 8th Jan me and two of my friends shared a gram of MDMA stupid i know, so i probably consumed about 350mg which is a lot for me (19F). I’ve tried it like twice before and had no comedown so didn’t think anything bad would happen. After taking the drug for like 6 hours we didn’t sleep and i could not stop bopping for like 12 hours after which was really bizarre. since then i’ve had really bad brain fog and head pressure. sometimes i feel ok and i feel like i’m getting better but then it hits me again and i just feel disconnected from my whole body. i’m not sure if i have tunnel vision or my eyes are just blurry as well and sometimes i can’t feel parts of my body. i was starting to get better after two weeks and stupidly i drank thinking i was better and that has triggered it all again. so now i’m just over two months in dealing with this and it feels very draining and lonely knowing that i can’t get out of it and i’m just desperate to get myself back and i’m trying to stay positive and trust the process that my brain will heal if i look after myself.

so far i’ve cut out all alcohol, caffeine and smoking. i’m taking supplements and exercising and trying to make myself better but the constant anxiety that i won’t is always in my mind and i just keep punishing myself for damaging my body like this.

does anyone have any positive recovery stories who have experienced similar and are now back to normal or just any way of coping with this because it’s just becoming a nightmare and i’m trying to get through uni and finding it quite hard. i just wish i hadn’t done this to myself.

thank you
 

Tea&toast.x

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 13, 2020
Messages
9
Hi,



When you say you can’t feel parts of your body, do you mean that parts of your body feel foreign? Like not part of you and you suddenly get spooked for a few seconds and feel like you won’t be able to move, for example, your arm?



If so, this is dissociation; it makes you feel ghostly, like you are extremely fragile, numb, your senses are either hyperactive or hypoactive, you might fluctuate between being extremely tense to extremely fatigued and you might not be able to connect with your thoughts and feelings properly. You might feel trapped inside your body or completely out of it.



If it helps, it is thought that only healthy people can dissociate, your survival instincts will always triumph, and if you were injured or if there was something wrong somewhere, your mind will always revert your attention to this and would make sure you could feel this. It is also more common if you are too tired.



I use to dissociate quite a lot in my second year of MDMA recovery. In my first year, I was only focused on getting back to physical health, but once you are physically good your mind can go to weird places. Once you realise that it cannot hurt you, it is actually quite a nice feeling. You just exist and nothing can touch you. After 8 years, I cannot dissociate anymore even if I try. I have tried to psych myself out and it just doesn’t work.



I also feel like you can get happy dissociation, like when you’re day dreaming or listening to music, and you can get scary dissociation when you’re trying to be present but you just can’t and everything is just super overwhelming. It’s like I just overall felt like things weren’t right and that everything was out of sync.



Some things that helped me. Healthy eating and exercise. I lost about 1/5 of my body weight in a short space of time and I was already pretty skinny so healthy eating for me was pizzas and Chinese and ice-cream, but keep it balanced. Do exercising that is fun for you. I went climbing, cycling, skating, dancing- things that I like, but this will be different for everyone. Don’t exercise and eat well with the goal of recovering from MDMA, do it with the goal of self-improvement. Try and leave MDMA in the past.



I’m not a fan of supplements, but I get that people with health anxiety will take them and I did too. Just be careful, things like NAC can fuck with your eyes especially if you’re taking it when you don’t need to. I took the one supplement a day approach, e.g. A on Monday, B on Tuesday. Do I think this helped? Absolutely not. Did I stop? Absolutely not.



Music really helped me a lot, but music was always my thing. For others it might be gaming or whatever.



Songs that helped:

Snow patrol- this isn’t everything you are

Snow patrol- in the end

Paolo Nutini- Caledonia

Deacon Blue- dignity

Deacon Blue- chocolate girl

Deacon Blue- real gone kid

Blink 182- dancing with myself

Ezra Furman- love you so bad



(Many many others- these are mostly just songs that I like but I feel like they helped- I get that this will be different for people)



Painting helped too. Looking at old photos. Vagus nerve reset. Learning how to do different hair-styles. Walking my dog. Watching old movies like bring it on. Also getting dressed up and doing your make-up nails. To start with I found this very hard. Just trying to re-engage with who you were/ARE. For me that was about being really feminine, but I get that for others this will be different. I promise that you are still you in every meaningful way, you just don’t realise it yet. For ages, I just didn’t talk to anyone, but when I started doing this again and going out I felt loads better.



I hate saying this because it makes me sound like a psychonaut, but you need to find a way of making what happened, (whether that be long term abuse or one bad experience), part of you and your story. Right now you are giving MDMA far too much cloud. You’re taking what should be a bump in the road and turning into a giant pot hole. I remember there were times when I would look in the mirror and be like “come on kid, you’re not losing yourself to this”, and right now it kind of just seems funny. Time will sort this. Life will keep moving and it will fade away, but you need to let it. Anxiety is tricky because the more you fight it the more you feed it.



It got to a point for me where I would be ok sometimes and then out of nowhere I would dissociate, and the cycle would repeat and I accepted this as my life for ages. Then eventually, I realised that if I could be ok in my worst moments then I would be ‘cured’.



When I say ‘let go’ and ‘move on’, I don’t mean that it’s something that you can do by clicking your fingers. It’s really really hard. Mental health issues can be extremely debilitating. I think for a lot of people it gets to the point where it affects their life so badly that they don’t want to believe that it wasn’t real. It was always real, it just wasn’t brain damage. Mental illness is real and it’s shit.



MDMA caused the trauma, but the trauma caused your symptoms. People have free will and the potential for change and you can pull yourself out of this, if you stop trying. Put yourself into something else. You will only get better once you truly believe that you are not damaged. To believe that you’re not damage, you need to calm down enough to see sense.



For ages, I thought the answer was to demonetise MDMA. I still think how people view MDMA is extremely dangerous- people put it on par with weed and that just doesn’t match up to the effects. I’ve only ever taking it twice in my life. The first time, I was expecting to get a mild alcohol type dunt, but my reality changed for about 6 hours. It was really good at the time, but afterwards it was really scary. Obviously, the second time I nearly died so I decided it clearly wasn’t for me. I don’t think we should big it up or put it down. In short it’s a drug, and drugs can be fun but can also cause issues. Life is for living and learning. I don’t regret taking MDMA. I only regret how much I let it affect me. Maybe try watching some funny drug videos to get a more balanced perspective. If you spend all your time on blue light, you’re going to walk out with 7 different medical conditions.



Finally, be careful of asking for advice on the internet. The people here seem pretty genuine, but on things like Reddit, I’ve saw trolls give terrible advice, e.g. telling people they have tumours and telling them to take more drugs etc. Some anxious people might not be able to see through that.

This is my 5p for the week. I hope it helps. I don’t know why I keep coming back here. I guess I just want to help you guys out if I can.



Much much love.
 

whyme103

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 12, 2021
Messages
2
Hi,



When you say you can’t feel parts of your body, do you mean that parts of your body feel foreign? Like not part of you and you suddenly get spooked for a few seconds and feel like you won’t be able to move, for example, your arm?



If so, this is dissociation; it makes you feel ghostly, like you are extremely fragile, numb, your senses are either hyperactive or hypoactive, you might fluctuate between being extremely tense to extremely fatigued and you might not be able to connect with your thoughts and feelings properly. You might feel trapped inside your body or completely out of it.



If it helps, it is thought that only healthy people can dissociate, your survival instincts will always triumph, and if you were injured or if there was something wrong somewhere, your mind will always revert your attention to this and would make sure you could feel this. It is also more common if you are too tired.



I use to dissociate quite a lot in my second year of MDMA recovery. In my first year, I was only focused on getting back to physical health, but once you are physically good your mind can go to weird places. Once you realise that it cannot hurt you, it is actually quite a nice feeling. You just exist and nothing can touch you. After 8 years, I cannot dissociate anymore even if I try. I have tried to psych myself out and it just doesn’t work.



I also feel like you can get happy dissociation, like when you’re day dreaming or listening to music, and you can get scary dissociation when you’re trying to be present but you just can’t and everything is just super overwhelming. It’s like I just overall felt like things weren’t right and that everything was out of sync.



Some things that helped me. Healthy eating and exercise. I lost about 1/5 of my body weight in a short space of time and I was already pretty skinny so healthy eating for me was pizzas and Chinese and ice-cream, but keep it balanced. Do exercising that is fun for you. I went climbing, cycling, skating, dancing- things that I like, but this will be different for everyone. Don’t exercise and eat well with the goal of recovering from MDMA, do it with the goal of self-improvement. Try and leave MDMA in the past.



I’m not a fan of supplements, but I get that people with health anxiety will take them and I did too. Just be careful, things like NAC can fuck with your eyes especially if you’re taking it when you don’t need to. I took the one supplement a day approach, e.g. A on Monday, B on Tuesday. Do I think this helped? Absolutely not. Did I stop? Absolutely not.



Music really helped me a lot, but music was always my thing. For others it might be gaming or whatever.



Songs that helped:

Snow patrol- this isn’t everything you are

Snow patrol- in the end

Paolo Nutini- Caledonia

Deacon Blue- dignity

Deacon Blue- chocolate girl

Deacon Blue- real gone kid

Blink 182- dancing with myself

Ezra Furman- love you so bad



(Many many others- these are mostly just songs that I like but I feel like they helped- I get that this will be different for people)



Painting helped too. Looking at old photos. Vagus nerve reset. Learning how to do different hair-styles. Walking my dog. Watching old movies like bring it on. Also getting dressed up and doing your make-up nails. To start with I found this very hard. Just trying to re-engage with who you were/ARE. For me that was about being really feminine, but I get that for others this will be different. I promise that you are still you in every meaningful way, you just don’t realise it yet. For ages, I just didn’t talk to anyone, but when I started doing this again and going out I felt loads better.



I hate saying this because it makes me sound like a psychonaut, but you need to find a way of making what happened, (whether that be long term abuse or one bad experience), part of you and your story. Right now you are giving MDMA far too much cloud. You’re taking what should be a bump in the road and turning into a giant pot hole. I remember there were times when I would look in the mirror and be like “come on kid, you’re not losing yourself to this”, and right now it kind of just seems funny. Time will sort this. Life will keep moving and it will fade away, but you need to let it. Anxiety is tricky because the more you fight it the more you feed it.



It got to a point for me where I would be ok sometimes and then out of nowhere I would dissociate, and the cycle would repeat and I accepted this as my life for ages. Then eventually, I realised that if I could be ok in my worst moments then I would be ‘cured’.



When I say ‘let go’ and ‘move on’, I don’t mean that it’s something that you can do by clicking your fingers. It’s really really hard. Mental health issues can be extremely debilitating. I think for a lot of people it gets to the point where it affects their life so badly that they don’t want to believe that it wasn’t real. It was always real, it just wasn’t brain damage. Mental illness is real and it’s shit.



MDMA caused the trauma, but the trauma caused your symptoms. People have free will and the potential for change and you can pull yourself out of this, if you stop trying. Put yourself into something else. You will only get better once you truly believe that you are not damaged. To believe that you’re not damage, you need to calm down enough to see sense.



For ages, I thought the answer was to demonetise MDMA. I still think how people view MDMA is extremely dangerous- people put it on par with weed and that just doesn’t match up to the effects. I’ve only ever taking it twice in my life. The first time, I was expecting to get a mild alcohol type dunt, but my reality changed for about 6 hours. It was really good at the time, but afterwards it was really scary. Obviously, the second time I nearly died so I decided it clearly wasn’t for me. I don’t think we should big it up or put it down. In short it’s a drug, and drugs can be fun but can also cause issues. Life is for living and learning. I don’t regret taking MDMA. I only regret how much I let it affect me. Maybe try watching some funny drug videos to get a more balanced perspective. If you spend all your time on blue light, you’re going to walk out with 7 different medical conditions.



Finally, be careful of asking for advice on the internet. The people here seem pretty genuine, but on things like Reddit, I’ve saw trolls give terrible advice, e.g. telling people they have tumours and telling them to take more drugs etc. Some anxious people might not be able to see through that.

This is my 5p for the week. I hope it helps. I don’t know why I keep coming back here. I guess I just want to help you guys out if I can.



Much much love.

hi
thank you so much for replying this means a lot. i already struggled with anxiety and depression prior to this happening and now the only thing i’m really anxious about is this

i’m hoping i’ll be ok and i’m trying to be positive because i know anxiety will only make things worse

i think i’m getting better and just trying to see the positives in each day

my symptoms are really just brain fog, dizziness and head pressure. with the feeling of disconnected in my body i didn’t originally experience this and it more feels like a physical symptom of the anxiety. it’s hard to distinguish what’s real physical symptoms and what anxiety is doing to my body which is quite scary but i know i’m definitely not 100% right. i’m trying to get there hopefully i will soon enough

thank you again, glad you recovered
 

SaintSoleil

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2021
Messages
6
hi
thank you so much for replying this means a lot. i already struggled with anxiety and depression prior to this happening and now the only thing i’m really anxious about is this

i’m hoping i’ll be ok and i’m trying to be positive because i know anxiety will only make things worse

i think i’m getting better and just trying to see the positives in each day

my symptoms are really just brain fog, dizziness and head pressure. with the feeling of disconnected in my body i didn’t originally experience this and it more feels like a physical symptom of the anxiety. it’s hard to distinguish what’s real physical symptoms and what anxiety is doing to my body which is quite scary but i know i’m definitely not 100% right. i’m trying to get there hopefully i will soon enough

thank you again, glad you recovered
You will be fine, just try to relax as much as possible, don’t let anxiety get the better of you. The first 2 months my anxiety was through the roof, and I had all the symptoms you described. My recovery only started when I managed to take control of the anxiety. Try to eat healthy, exercise (cardio) at least 30 minutes daily and sleep as much as you can (it’s hard but you to try). Most important, get off the internet, stop symptom-checking, you won’t find the magic pill to cure you. It will only make your anxiety worsen (I’ve been there). Let you brain heal at its own pace.
If you need to talk you can DM me
 
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