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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

Elleker

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 16, 2018
Messages
12
One other thing that helped with the anhedonia for me, it was that I had to start facing every fear I had.

Intensity and extreme emotions seemed to also open up pleasure for me again. It backfired plenty of times and I faced increased anxiety because of it, but I also began to feel intense joy and euphoria the more I faced huge fears and overcame them.

I remember at one time making a list of all my fear, and I began to conquer them all one by one. As I began to do that I began to feel more joy and love, alongside more intense anxiety and fear. The anxiety and fear would go away of course, but the love and joy and other emotions didn't go away.

Also just general emotional work also helped. I did a lot of surrendering practices, a lot of emotional unblocking techniques. pounding a pillow, screaming in the middle of a forest where nobody could hear me. The more I felt anything at all, the more I felt joy and love.

I'm still working on that, there are many things that I still fear and many of my emotions are still blocked because of all the shit I went through recently and also in my life in general. As I make progress though, I felt love more and more, and more and more intensely too. I wish I was high all the time like when I was younger and the positive emotions flowed so easily, but maybe that is just life. When I was younger I used to think so highly of the future, thinking I was destined for great things and would be rich, look great, and have a hot wife.

Then the LTC hit me and I basically lost my intelligence, ability to learn, earn, and to hope too. I lost everything pretty much. So I assume a HUGE amount of my positive emotions was based on having a bright outlook for the future, and the LTC took that away. As I work and work and work though, I'm starting to realize that my future can be bright again, but not because of hope or anything like that, but just because I am willing to work for it.

also, hope just feels euphoric as heck. When you know you can have good things by working for them, it just... idk, it just doesnt feel as good. it's like knowing you can have a 6 pack by waking up at 5 am everyday for 2 years and working out. Its a grimey feeling, but you know you can do it. Now contrast that feeling with the hope that someday you'll just decide to stop eating junk food and work out everyday. Knowing you can accomplish something through hard work, and hoping for a dream are two very different feelings.

When I was younger, I had the euphoria of hope around me all the damn time. And with the LTC, I lost that hope but gained the knowledge that I can work hard and achieve the things I always hoped for. The feeling just doesnt compare, even when I accomplish the things I always hoped for.

I guess that is just part of youth, hoping for the best and we just ride that high.

--

last thing too. The more I became self-less, the more my love and positive emotions increased.

When I re-connected with my spirituality and began to serve others, my happiness began to slowly come back. At the same time, I had to give up the desire for my joy and happiness to come back in the serving of others.

Meaning, I didn't serve others as a way for my happiness to come back or to feel joy and love. I reached the end of my rope and was like "fuck it, if I can't be happy on my own, I can at least make other people happy" and I found that as I focused on helping others, profound happiness began to return to me.

and as I became selfish after that, my happiness would shut back off or would go numb again.
Thanks again for this detailed replies Lionheart, sorry mine took so long, I don’t get on here all that often.

Once again all good advice, it builds on what I’ve already been doing/learned. I will give the NSI-189 trial a miss for now and concentrate on purely reducing anxiety for a good 6 months or so and see how that goes.

One thing that does help reduce my anxiety though is having a back up plan, ie something to move onto if what you’re currently doing ends up not working. That may be a new supplement, protocol or medical treatment, or anything really. The main thing is I seem to just need something planned to try next for peace of mind while doing whatever I’m currently doing to try and end LTC. That isn’t to say I don’t believe your theory in that anxiety is the key instigator behind LTC, in fact it very much makes a lot of sense, I just can’t vanquish the worry that my anhedonia won’t completely heal by purely doing anxiety reducing practices (I can appreciate the paradox here btw).

To this end, I was actually just wondering if anyone out there has a dream practitioner/specialist that they have been researching? Perhaps you’ve come across someone, such as a neurologist, psychiatrist, brain injury specialist or alternative practitioner that actually specialises or has experience in treating MDMA damage but lives too far away for you to visit?
I ask this because I am very fortunate in my line of work (contractor) in that I can earn a decent income in a short period of time, and have opportunity to fly anywhere in the world to meet with whoever necessary. If for example you have been researching a specific practice or practitioner but are unable to make it there to find out if it is worth it, please do let me know as I could go there and check it out, either whilst doing or after my anxiety reduction protocol. Then I could report back here if it is worth it or not.
 

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
41
Hey guys took MDMA for 3 days in a row and it was my first time in December 24,25,26 its been over a month now and I feel depressed as hell ,I get these involuntary jerks on my neck and it feels ,tight and heavy .I feel like I don't feel any pleasure the way I used to ,I have this ringing noise in my ears and my mouth and gums feel swollen but they aren't ,I dont feel like my balance is the same ,my anxiety is at an all time high ,I'm even contemplating suicide as I'm writing this ,this is my last cry of help ,does it get better and how? ..
 

rinzzlerr

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
62
Hey guys took MDMA for 3 days in a row and it was my first time in December 24,25,26 its been over a month now and I feel depressed as hell ,I get these involuntary jerks on my neck and it feels ,tight and heavy .I feel like I don't feel any pleasure the way I used to ,I have this ringing noise in my ears and my mouth and gums feel swollen but they aren't ,I dont feel like my balance is the same ,my anxiety is at an all time high ,I'm even contemplating suicide as I'm writing this ,this is my last cry of help ,does it get better and how? ..
Hey man, hang in there and don’t give in to negative thoughts. Suicide is not the answer, time heals all and it’s only been just over a month. I have recovered from what you’re going through and so have many here on the forum. There are multiple things to do to help alleviate some symptoms: 1) Eat very healthy. 2) Get some form of exercise daily. 3) Try to sleep and wake up at the same time every day, aim for 7-8 hours every night. 4) Keep yourself busy. 5) Dont let the negative thoughts consume you, what is going on is temporary and it will pass. 6) Supplements such as Magnesium, NAC, Lions Mane, a multivitamin may help, but you need to do the 5 main things as well. All of these things combined will help you feel better. The one that we can all say heals the most is time, just hang in there and if you feel like you need professional help go to a doctor or therapist. Hang in there man, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep on moving forward.
 

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
41
Hey man, hang in there and don’t give in to negative thoughts. Suicide is not the answer, time heals all and it’s only been just over a month. I have recovered from what you’re going through and so have many here on the forum. There are multiple things to do to help alleviate some symptoms: 1) Eat very healthy. 2) Get some form of exercise daily. 3) Try to sleep and wake up at the same time every day, aim for 7-8 hours every night. 4) Keep yourself busy. 5) Dont let the negative thoughts consume you, what is going on is temporary and it will pass. 6) Supplements such as Magnesium, NAC, Lions Mane, a multivitamin may help, but you need to do the 5 main things as well. All of these things combined will help you feel better. The one that we can all say heals the most is time, just hang in there and if you feel like you need professional help go to a doctor or therapist. Hang in there man, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep on moving forward.
Hey thank you man its just that everything has been tough lately like my anxiety is all over the place and thoughts too,I hope I really hope I recover.how long did it take for you to be good again?
 

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
41
Hey man, hang in there and don’t give in to negative thoughts. Suicide is not the answer, time heals all and it’s only been just over a month. I have recovered from what you’re going through and so have many here on the forum. There are multiple things to do to help alleviate some symptoms: 1) Eat very healthy. 2) Get some form of exercise daily. 3) Try to sleep and wake up at the same time every day, aim for 7-8 hours every night. 4) Keep yourself busy. 5) Dont let the negative thoughts consume you, what is going on is temporary and it will pass. 6) Supplements such as Magnesium, NAC, Lions Mane, a multivitamin may help, but you need to do the 5 main things as well. All of these things combined will help you feel better. The one that we can all say heals the most is time, just hang in there and if you feel like you need professional help go to a doctor or therapist. Hang in there man, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep on moving forward.
Hey man so I did 2 of the things you recommended ,I woke up today and woke a friend up and we exercised and did cardio and I also went out to chill with a friend even though I didn't want to,I forced myself and the most magical thing happened I was happy and laughing for the first time in like a month , I even forgot how it felt like.look man I know I'm gonna have a couple of bad days and I haven't healed yet ,all I wanted to say is thank you for being with a stranger in their time of need ,I seriously considered suicide if I didn't feel any better and you were there for me ,thank you I have hope because of you now..
 

isaiah:(

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2020
Messages
3
I feel unbelievably lost man. When i was about 16, i had a phase where i was using pure mdma for about 3 months and by "use", i mean abuse heavily. I did it multiple times a week and there were definitely nights where i would consume over a gram, mostly through snorting. I realized it was bad for me so i eventually stopped and luckily with no long term effects, and then about a year later i decided to do mdma one last time with some old friends that i was catching up with and nothings been the same since. Its been about a year since the incident and i now have severe brain fog and severe anxiety. I had the anxiety prior to this event, but it was not nearly as bad or even close on any scale. I've been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety and am now prescribed zoloft. I started off on 25mg for about 2 weeks and then was bumped to 50mg for 2 months and then to 100mg. I've been on zoloft for a total of about 8 months now and i cant say its done anything noticeable for me. I've never told anyone this before, not even my doctor. I fear everyone will look at me differently and i just find it embarrassing that i did this to myself. I basically feel the mental symptoms of a hangover everyday now, some days worse than others. Does it get better?
 

HopingForChange

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2020
Messages
5
I feel unbelievably lost man. When i was about 16, i had a phase where i was using pure mdma for about 3 months and by "use", i mean abuse heavily. I did it multiple times a week and there were definitely nights where i would consume over a gram, mostly through snorting. I realized it was bad for me so i eventually stopped and luckily with no long term effects, and then about a year later i decided to do mdma one last time with some old friends that i was catching up with and nothings been the same since. Its been about a year since the incident and i now have severe brain fog and severe anxiety. I had the anxiety prior to this event, but it was not nearly as bad or even close on any scale. I've been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety and am now prescribed zoloft. I started off on 25mg for about 2 weeks and then was bumped to 50mg for 2 months and then to 100mg. I've been on zoloft for a total of about 8 months now and i cant say its done anything noticeable for me. I've never told anyone this before, not even my doctor. I fear everyone will look at me differently and i just find it embarrassing that i did this to myself. I basically feel the mental symptoms of a hangover everyday now, some days worse than others. Does it get better?
At this point do not be scared. Be open and honest. Stress that you dont abuse and have not abused in years and I'm sure your psychiatrist will re-evaluate your plan. I did the same exact thing because I didnt want them to think I was going into score drugs. At this point for you though, I would tell them. The other chems being added COULD be making it worse.

I'm currently waiting for my insurance to get approved so I can get a blood test to check for my levels of dopamine and seratonin. Also getting a DNA test done at the lab for any genetic abnormalities. I quit using January 10th so I'm still super early in my recovery. Good luck to you.
 

HopingForChange

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2020
Messages
5
Anybody feels better on the evening night? And worst in the mornings?
Every night I feel 90% and wake up back to 40 %.
Very frustrating.
Yes!!!! I am glad I'm not the only one.
Most days I wake up at 35-40% til noon. Then I take a hard ass dip til like 4pm before I gradually feel relief. By 8pm I'm feeling about 85% normal.

But yesterday I woke up feeling pretty damn good. It lasted til 3pm - then after that my brain started going into it's old BS. I felt like straight shit til like 7pm.

I want to believe it's our brain just healing and we are in the midst of feeling our seratonin and dopamine levels trying to return to baseline.
 

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
41
I feel unbelievably lost man. When i was about 16, i had a phase where i was using pure mdma for about 3 months and by "use", i mean abuse heavily. I did it multiple times a week and there were definitely nights where i would consume over a gram, mostly through snorting. I realized it was bad for me so i eventually stopped and luckily with no long term effects, and then about a year later i decided to do mdma one last time with some old friends that i was catching up with and nothings been the same since. Its been about a year since the incident and i now have severe brain fog and severe anxiety. I had the anxiety prior to this event, but it was not nearly as bad or even close on any scale. I've been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety and am now prescribed zoloft. I started off on 25mg for about 2 weeks and then was bumped to 50mg for 2 months and then to 100mg. I've been on zoloft for a total of about 8 months now and i cant say its done anything noticeable for me. I've never told anyone this before, not even my doctor. I fear everyone will look at me differently and i just find it embarrassing that i did this to myself. I basically feel the mental symptoms of a hangover everyday now, some days worse than others. Does it get better?
Look man I took MDMA for 3 days straight and it was my first time ,it's been over a month and 3 weeks now and last week is the only time I saw improvements ,so I was completely sad and depressed for a month and 2 weeks, I felt no laughter and no happiness for a month and I contemplated suicide ,until a guy here gave me some advice and hope, look man the best thing to do is channel all that anxiety in exercise ,eat healthy ,go out and meet people (preferably those your comfortable with and that don't do drugs) ,and go to your doctor because he knows more than you do about medication and maybe he can come up with a plan to tamper you off Zoloft ,and last but not least have hope and have mental power believe that you will get through it .
 

HopingForChange

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2020
Messages
5
Honestly, I wouldn't trust doctors and medication. Do your own research.
That's your opinion my dude. I used to feel that way. Run wild with it. But to me there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Sometimes it's what is needed.

I'm waiting to get blood results that will show my levels of dopamine and seratonin. I'm hoping a combination of meds, therapy and exercise will get me back to baseline.
 

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
41
That's your opinion my dude. I used to feel that way. Run wild with it. But to me there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Sometimes it's what is needed.

I'm waiting to get blood results that will show my levels of dopamine and seratonin. I'm hoping a combination of meds, therapy and exercise will get me back to baseline.
Those are professionals who are knowledgeable in the field of medicine ,your 2 hours spent on the Internet can't be compared to their knowledge..
 

I hope it gets better

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
41
More than 3 months in and my last symptom I seem to have is this brain fog or derealization.. It feels like a numbness in my head and as if I'm slightly drunk/high without the fun. It comes/goes and is more so noticeable when I'm at my desk job for some reason. Does anyone relate to this, what was your experience? I feel like it's probably my anxiety, but Idk.

If this post seems familiar, it probably is, I always delete my posts, as I'm impatient with waiting for replies, which makes my anxiety worse..
I feel like that too like ,the focus in my eyes is not the same ,but when I'm walking everything becomes normal but when I sit down and read a book or concentrate I feel less focussed ,but its getting less and less so it will get better eventually..
 

isaiah:(

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2020
Messages
3
I feel like that too like ,the focus in my eyes is not the same ,but when I'm walking everything becomes normal but when I sit down and read a book or concentrate I feel less focused ,but its getting less and less so it will get better eventually..
EXACTLY, that's literally exactly what i feel!! Idk if anyone here has had a weed hangover, but it's literally the exact same feeling. I cant imagine my life if i have this brain fog forever.
 

manimessedup

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 11, 2019
Messages
3
This guy on reddit said it eventually went away ,let's give it some time.
Can you link the Reddit post?

Best of wishes to you guys... When I live healthy and try to keep myself busy is when it seems to lessen, so I'm certain it's anxiety. But there are times when I overreact and question it, then go back on bluelight as I am now. Best advice on anxiety is not to give into the second fear / negative thoughts, here's a video explaining it

Were you guy's anxious during your roll btw? If it is derealization, it might've been caused by an anxious episode when rolling.

The weed hangover you mention @isaiah:( happened to me one time when I was in high school, it only lasted a week.
 
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isaiah:(

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2020
Messages
3
Can you link the Reddit post?

Best of wishes to you guys... When I live healthy and try to keep myself busy is when it seems to lessen, so I'm certain it's anxiety. But there are times when I overreact and question it, then go back on bluelight as I am now. Best advice on anxiety is not to give into the second fear / negative thoughts, here's a video explaining it

Were you guy's anxious during your roll btw? If it is derealization, it might've been caused by an anxious episode when rolling, as was the case with me.

The weed hangover you mention @isaiah:( happened to me one time when I was in high school, it only lasted a week.
I was anxious during the come down for some reason, i almost felt like i had severe paranoia or something along those lines, no out of body feelings or anything tho.
 

rinzzlerr

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
62
Hey man so I did 2 of the things you recommended ,I woke up today and woke a friend up and we exercised and did cardio and I also went out to chill with a friend even though I didn't want to,I forced myself and the most magical thing happened I was happy and laughing for the first time in like a month , I even forgot how it felt like.look man I know I'm gonna have a couple of bad days and I haven't healed yet ,all I wanted to say is thank you for being with a stranger in their time of need ,I seriously considered suicide if I didn't feel any better and you were there for me ,thank you I have hope because of you now..
Yeah man. I’m proof of recovery. So are a few more here. Some people logged off and never logged back on, but believe me most have recovered. As @G_Chem stated, those who recover are those who BELIEVE they will. Keep that positive mindset. Some of your days might be worse than others but that’s recovery. Also this is a no brainer but stay away from M until you’re completely sure you’re okay and don’t have any anxieties about taking it again. That also goes for anyone else here who is recovering. I was in your shoes, but in a few weeks/months you’ll look back and realize it was a lesson to be learned and have an overall better outlook on life (hopefully).
 

lionheart90

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 24, 2018
Messages
230
That isn’t to say I don’t believe your theory in that anxiety is the key instigator behind LTC, in fact it very much makes a lot of sense, I just can’t vanquish the worry that my anhedonia won’t completely heal by purely doing anxiety reducing practices (I can appreciate the paradox here btw).

@Elleker haha the anxiety beast is a worthy foe. Eventually you'll gain the higher ground like Obi wan vs Annakin and you'll cut the legs off your anxiety monster. It will crawl, burning alive, giving you the old "but...but...if you just...." and you'll just cry to it with tears in your eyes "WHY, WHY, YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!?!?"
 
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