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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 7) [ALL LTC posts go here]

@Brucey85 It might seem counter-intuitive to face the pain but honestly it worked wonders for me. And it helps if you foster the conditions for wellness to take place. Like if you work in a stressful dead end job, drink alcohol and caffine, and don't sleep well, honestly that would make anybody depressed and miserable. btw you didn't say anything about your job but I know that is the reality for many people so figured it might be that way for you too.

You're not powerless to do anything to change. You have power but you keep giving it up. It's difficult to do certain things when you feel miserable but that is how you regain your power, by doing things that are difficult and require power. its like weight lifting. you only get stronger when you lift heavy weights that exhaust your strength. Doing whats easy won't lead to growth.

Put aside the fact that you did drugs and focus on the things that would make anybody depressed or anxious or miserable. Eating junk food in excess, not getting proper sleep (I know it's difficult but if you put effort into it you will see results. even if that means shutting off computers and screens and bright lights and reading for 3 hour just to feel sleepy. It can be done!), not getting enough positive social interaction, not getting enough support, not getting enough exercise, etc. all those things build up and lead to physical unwellness. There are also a lot of mental factors like believing it's futile and not resisting negative thoughts and urges when they arise. if you tackle the things that are creating physical and mental unwelness then you'll see some recovery.

And it takes a fair bit of time of being in limbo of recovery before the body finishes the job. I was doing healthy things for months on end and in limbo. I would feel slightly better but could still tell I was stuck in some lessened from of the LTC. It took a few months of intense discipline but eventually my body realized it was OK and finished the healing job. I don't think it would have though if I didn't foster the conditions for recovery to take place.

and I know there is the thought of "i'm so weakened right now, I don't have discipline to do those things. I can barely get up in the morning" but you have to fight through those initial phases. Doing things that are good for your health may require discipline and effort at first, but they build strength and wellness. So it might cost you some stress and effort up front, but the next day your body has recovered a bit and you feel much less stress the next day. another exercise analogy but oh well, if you lift weights and do cardio it's difficult and challenging, but you feel better afterwards and sleep better at night, also you get a mood boost for a couple days so that's another example of undergoing temporary pain for long term pleasure. It's the exact opposite of drugs and lazy behavior, which temporarily put off pain and give short term pleasure, but just create more pain and suffering when they wear off.
 
lionheart90 said:
@uNivErSaL target.

it is confirmed to be temporary. Those studies you are reading about permanent changes are on doses in the rage of 500-1g a day for 7-14 days.

Just think about how high of a dose that was, and the frequency. probably 100x higher than anything you ever did. And even in those studies it was proven inconclusive in later studies and analysis.

Listen to us man, we are the veterans. All of us have been going through this thing for usually about a year on average. Some are in year 2, some are at 6+ months.

have faith man, it's only hell for like 6 months tops. And you are young, so there is a big chance that you will recover completly in 6 or 7 months. I had a friend who went through 3 LTC because he loved MDMA. each one took him 6 months to recover from, like recover completly. He was also very social and had good support networks which I believe helped his recovery.

and nobody here judges you for wanting death. Practically all of us here have been in your shoes. Fearing its brain damage, thinking we are fucked for life and it's better to just die. That shit went on for months for me (I also have a history of depression so maybe thats to blame too).

Anyways it's a temporary thing. so if you face anxiety or depression it doesn't mean you are going to have life long issues with those things. When you beat the episode it remains an episode. It's a longggg fucking temporary thing but hey, most of us here are going to live to be 85+. one year isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

and think about it, you could go on to do amazing things in the remaining 60 that you have. crying over one lost year is bullshit. g. i. joe the fuck up and handle it man. It's only a few more months in hell then you'll be feeling tons better, like light years of progress are made in the first 6 months. and a great deal of people recover in the 6-10 month range. and if you dont recover then, there is also a window in the 10-15 month range where it becomes likely you'll recover.

Just let time do its thing and practice good health things like exercise and eating well. Avoid all or nothing/extreme thinking and wait it out. It will pass!
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overdosed on mdma had severe anxiety panic attacks daily since that night which was back in October 2017 I still feel the same as I did then I don't think it will ever go away I still have bad panic attacks everyday mostly at night. All I can do is hope it will go away and I'll be back to how I was before that night.
 
Adam, How confident are you that you feel EXACTLY the same as the beginning? From my experience the improvements happen very slowly and hard to compare before and after. For me personally there's huge leaps forward. Even with junk food and unhealthy lifestyle I'm feeling alright, which was my goal. I'm visiting the forum out of a habit and trying to give hope to new and current ltc sufferer.
 
ZeroLuck said:
Adam, How confident are you that you feel EXACTLY the same as the beginning? From my experience the improvements happen very slowly and hard to compare before and after. For me personally there's huge leaps forward. Even with junk food and unhealthy lifestyle I'm feeling alright, which was my goal. I'm visiting the forum out of a habit and trying to give hope to new and current ltc sufferer.
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The first 6 months I saw improvements I could actually function before then I would wake up and try to get the day over with so I could start the next because my anxiety was so bad. After that I feel the same a year on with no improvement other than I have got use to being this way. Just recently I have gotten really depressed because I can't do anything I use to like go out with friends or work. I can't even have sex without having a panic attack after. I really don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. I was 18 when this happened turning 20 in 2 weeks and I can't go out or anything it's horrible all from one bad night on mdma.
 
ZeroLuck said:
Adam, How confident are you that you feel EXACTLY the same as the beginning? From my experience the improvements happen very slowly and hard to compare before and after. For me personally there's huge leaps forward. Even with junk food and unhealthy lifestyle I'm feeling alright, which was my goal. I'm visiting the forum out of a habit and trying to give hope to new and current ltc sufferer.
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Also how have your recovery been how long has it been? How bad was your experience?
 
I've done 0.8/9g of MDMA in spawn of a week. First night 0.6g. January 2017. I had extreme DPDR for 2-3 weeks, zero concentration, anxiety, confusion, horrible short-term memory. First the DPDR faded away, then my concentration was improved and my anxiety, now I'm left with somewhat bad short-term memory and brainfog at some points accompanied with anxiety, but I'm relapsing over and over again, but seeing big improvements when I'm fine. Like right now I'm asking myself the question... Am I back 100% to normal? Hard to tell, but if you really need an effort to say I can't say I'm in a bad place.

However between month 6-7 and month 24 I've saw myself little improvement, however I've caught myself having good memory now and then, accompanied by setbacks, but overall doing good, and that's even without putting much effort. I strongly believe that, if I've practiced all the healthy habits everything would be gone much sooner.

You just have to babysit your brain from now on... Diet was the biggest factor for me, I haven't even exercised (incredible for the brain), even if you face the possibility of feeling worse in the first weeks. I would assume it's because while exercise you're increasing cortisol and temporary stress, but after time you adapt and only goodies are left. Nutrients add a lot, not as much as diet, because it's nearly impossible to count for a panacea, due to the fact that a healthy balanced diet includes countless unresearched nutrients beneficial for your brain function. Like when I was on diet with salmon everyday with combination of selenium my creativity and communication fluency jumped in combination with many more cognitive functions. However once I feel great, I stop the healthy practices and... you guessed it. Relapse.

Back on the babysitting for the brain, psychological factors are huge one... For an example my brain fog kicks hardcore when in stressful/anxious situation. I'm reconstructing my home at the moment and when something doesn't workout and stacks up/piles with a lot of choices I start feeling overwhelmed and my brain fog ends super bad. My point is... even if we're not facing stressful situation on daily basis, having a constant worry and reminder about our condition serves as smouldering! Force yourself to be positive. I know it sounds hard, but I've experienced it myself, you have to keep encourage yourself over and over and over again. The most positive people in the forum recovered the fastest. Why? They had the same symptoms, but their outlook boosted their recoveries. I know your brain is a chemistry imbalanced mess, but you STILL HAVE CONTROL over your thoughts which ultimately can lead to habits and rewiring of your passive/subconscious thought process!

Yeah, we took MDMA, we've screwed ourselves, but that's what it means for taking a risk! All extreme sports are a risk too, and natural high of adrenaline. However when something bad happens to those people they're not bashing themselves why they did it... They don't because most likely the accident didn't effect their brain. So this trait for blaming ourselves and falling for despair is specific MDMA trait. Kill it.

@Brucey85

There could be a very subtle transaction between MDMA LTC and mental illness. In the beginning it could be MDMA's fault, but we're programmed to be negative and down. You can think it as the analogy of the SSRI's, but the opposite. SSRI's are supposed to make you feel alright, your brain adapts to this way of thinking and lifestyle and then you stop the SSRI's, what happens with MDMA? You're depleted from serotonin accompanied with negative physical symptoms, followed by a hole bunch of negative emotions. Even when your serotonin is back, you've already affected your mental health enough, for the MDMA not being any reason of a follow-up.

The point is, your 16+ months, no improvements doesn't mean permanent, as I've mentioned I'm still feeling better/relapsing, but ultimately getting better. What efforts you are making to end your negative situation?Diet/exercise/nutrients/meds/mindwork/hormone therapy?
 
@ZeroLuck I've tried many things, exercise, supplements, diet and long periods off alcohol and caffeine. I notice a very slight improvement in the months when I stay away from alcohol and caffeine but it doesn't solve the puzzle. Obviously I don't touch drugs now. But then I think fuck it will have a drink as I can't do any thing I enjoy anymore almost as if to say why shud the ltc rob me of that too. Supplements have done nothing for me pretty much a waste of money. The only good thing is my job, but enjoying work more than being at home is wrong I never used to think like that but that's the depression I guess. I used to lift weights seriosuly but that just guarantees to keep me awake all night now as my insomnia has made me sensitive to any stimulant like cortisol or adrenaline from the weight lifting so that's another hobby gone. Cardio is the only thing that has helped me really but I've just lost interest in that now. A kind of fuck it it's permanent so why bother anymore attitude and I don't really have any interest in anything anymore apart from watching my sports teams and eating junk. I had been doing md (and other drugs) for maybe 10 years on and off with reasonable breaks between but I suppose this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
 
@Adam44155 @Brucey85
I believe your physiological "issues" with your heart are actually psychological. There's most likely nothing wrong with your heart. For an example I've never had physical symptoms from the MDMA, but year and something in the LTC I've started having chest pains, which is follow-up from the whole stressful situation I've been in. Also it's important to see medical specialist who you trust, so don't stop after that,

About the permanent outlook, I feel it's very unrealistic, there's 2 logical reasons behind. First, we don't know anything about the mechanisms of LTC so you never know when there could be medical breakthrough. The second is that there's many people who recovered after year, two + timeline. This means there's still something happening in the brain, isn't it logical that if it was permanent there shouldn't be any improvement after sometime? It's not the case. as I've admired in the earlier post I didn't have much will power to follow up healthy lifestyle practices, however my situation dramatically improved, so maybe we all won't have choice, but wait it up. Just guys, please don't give up, it's really not that desperate. @UniversalTarget
 
Outta curiosity, has anyone had real physical symptoms from this after a year or so. Paresthesia, loss of fine motor skills etc. it’s been 5 years since my Ltc began and while I’ve had many good days, I’ve had more bad. Today i don’t have any of the mental symptoms really but Hands and feet hurt like hell. Just parathesia and sometimes hands feel a bit like I’ve lost some of control. Knees also feel bad. Just overall a bad feeling from my knee caps down. And my bones crack a lot. Now I know this may seem like it’s totally unassociated with the Ltc but trust me. After that night these symptoms started and have just progressed throughout the years. I’ve had mri, eeg, nerve conduction test, bloodwork, you name it and docs can’t find anything. I’ve seen a few neurologist and even rheumatologist. Just wondering if anyone has had these physical symptoms years after.
 
@Badroll7 I've came across motor function issues with people suffering from LTC, but not in this way, especially with pain in the areas or knee caps issues. Are you sure it's related to MDMA, it's been 5 years, do or did take other substances?
 
@Badroll

I have noticed a mild tremor in my hands when there at rest and my girlfriend have commented on it as well. Also, I have notice that my spatial awareness has diminished. More often then not my shoulders clip door frames when I walk. My feet I trip over the slightest of uneven surface and when I reach for an item with I again clip often knocking it over.
 
ZeroLuck said:
@Adam44155 @Brucey85
I believe your physiological "issues" with your heart are actually psychological. There's most likely nothing wrong with your heart. For an example I've never had physical symptoms from the MDMA, but year and something in the LTC I've started having chest pains, which is follow-up from the whole stressful situation I've been in. Also it's important to see medical specialist who you trust, so don't stop after that,

About the permanent outlook, I feel it's very unrealistic, there's 2 logical reasons behind. First, we don't know anything about the mechanisms of LTC so you never know when there could be medical breakthrough. The second is that there's many people who recovered after year, two + timeline. This means there's still something happening in the brain, isn't it logical that if it was permanent there shouldn't be any improvement after sometime? It's not the case. as I've admired in the earlier post I didn't have much will power to follow up healthy lifestyle practices, however my situation dramatically improved, so maybe we all won't have choice, but wait it up. Just guys, please don't give up, it's really not that desperate. @UniversalTarget
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I was diagnosed with svt last july Ive got AVNRT and after I got diagnosed they did aload of test which found pots and ectopics. My svt happened within the first month after the mdma. That's why I think it was caused by it because I never had heart issues before now I have svt attacks once a month, ectopics all day everyday and my pots plays up everyday aswell.
 
TIme only heals a certain amount of the LTC.

Part of the LTC is behavioral and mental. Meaning it's symptoms are caused by recurring thoughts and behaviors. So if you don't change your thoughts and behaviors, you will never heal.

You can't just sit around and do nothing, hoping that time will heal everything. Time only heals so much, and while it may be the best healer only you can finish the job.

face fears and chase dreams. Don't sit around at home because you don't feel like going out. fuck how you feel, it's been proven that what you feel is wrong anyways. You know you have to get outside, so get outside.

fuck the fear of panic attacks. Trying to hide from them hasn't stopped them, has it? running away hasn't saved you from pain, has it? So do what you have to do, fuck the pain and fear and running.

live your life the way you want to. fuck the fear, anxiety and depression if it gets in your way.

Like if you think you're stuck and broken as you are now, what's stopping you from going after the biggest dreams you've ever had? What you think is the worst possible thing you've already accepted, so what is stopping you?

if you think you've hit rock bottom, why not reach for the stars? what else is there to lose?
 
@Badroll7 - You should get tested for Lyme disease. There’s actually been a number of people who had LTC which later showed to have Lyme. Your symptoms sound like it too.

-GC
 
I’m currently in a LTC. My use was extreme but I was unaware of this fact until a year ago after my last time doing mdma. I was doing 4 double stacks each time I would do mdma. I’m not sure the frequency but it was frequent enough to lower my tolerance by quit a bit. In 2014 I went to a 2 night event. Because I was used to doing 4 pills each time I asked my same dealer for 8, 4 for each night. They were moon rocks on this occasion and I had never taken the moonrocks before and she also said they were triple stack. I had no idea what this meant at the time. I was told by everyone that there was no harm in pure mdma, that it just depleted your seratonin and you have to wait for it to come back. Well I took 6 or 7 of these pills in the first night because they weren’t working. My muscles tensed up, I was hot as hell and I remember my vision being messed up and losing control of my thoughts to the point where I thought I was going crazy. I had my first panic attack the next day when I was trying to walk to the store with my friends. I felt like shit for a while after and noticed my vision had slightly changed for sure but I held on because I didn’t want to lose my job. It didn’t take long before I tried it again because I was freaking out about the fact that it didn’t work that night. It was 4 double stacks again and I remember rolling that time but not nearly as intensely as I had I the past. I tried it again on edc of that year probably 3 or 4 pills with no effect. For probably the next year I used mdma intermittently but do not remember if it ever worked on me or not. I was always drunk when I’d take it. Fast forward a bit and I noticed I was having problems with anxiety and was unable to feel emotions. I thought it was just me and that I was just stressed for the longest time and tried multiple things to get my emotions back and get rid of the depersonalization derealization I was feeling. I eventually came to the conclusion that it may be due to my past mdma use after doing some googling trying to figure out what was going on with me. Instead of finding that and deciding to stay clear I had the idea in my head that I needed to try it again and see if it worked on me still. I convinced myself that if it would work and I’d roll that it would mean my receptors were fine. I took mdma with a friend one night but was so drunk couldn’t remember if it worked. I had depression from it already but edc was in two from then so I decided I had to try again at edc and just not drink. I tried it again at edc and did not roll. I didn’t want to ruin the night for my friends so I decided to take a quarter of an addderall to keep me going for the night. The adderall worked. The next day I went outside to smoke and realized something wasn’t right in my brain. It was as if I couldn’t think with the front of my brain. Then I noticed something was terribly off with my vision. One year later and tons of anxiety and depression to the point where I wish I’d just die sometimes, I did a lot of googling and realized that I was being lied to about mdma and that it can in fact do damage and that the doses I was taking are way into the extreme. I will forever resent myself for not being smarter and doing the research to figure things out for myself. I can’t even find a single other person who has abused this stuff to the extent that I did much less find someone who recovered from it. I ruined my life all over some stupid party pills. My visual snow is so bad that it makes me dizzy and sends me into panic attacks just to Actually look at things. Absolutely everything gives me anxiety now. I feel as though I’m not even a person anymore. To make matters worse I’m a 5ft 100lb female. Which means that the doses I was taking are definitely considered neurotoxic. I need someone to talk to who is going through the same and made it through. I feel so hopeless and helpless. The anxiety and depression are so bad that it’s painful.
 
IsThereHope23 said:
I’m currently in a LTC. My use was extreme but I was unaware of this fact until a year ago after my last time doing mdma. I was doing 4 double stacks each time I would do mdma. I’m not sure the frequency but it was frequent enough to lower my tolerance by quit a bit. In 2014 I went to a 2 night event. Because I was used to doing 4 pills each time I asked my same dealer for 8, 4 for each night. They were moon rocks on this occasion and I had never taken the moonrocks before and she also said they were triple stack. I had no idea what this meant at the time. I was told by everyone that there was no harm in pure mdma, that it just depleted your seratonin and you have to wait for it to come back. Well I took 6 or 7 of these pills in the first night because they weren’t working. My muscles tensed up, I was hot as hell and I remember my vision being messed up and losing control of my thoughts to the point where I thought I was going crazy. I had my first panic attack the next day when I was trying to walk to the store with my friends. I felt like shit for a while after and noticed my vision had slightly changed for sure but I held on because I didn’t want to lose my job. It didn’t take long before I tried it again because I was freaking out about the fact that it didn’t work that night. It was 4 double stacks again and I remember rolling that time but not nearly as intensely as I had I the past. I tried it again on edc of that year probably 3 or 4 pills with no effect. For probably the next year I used mdma intermittently but do not remember if it ever worked on me or not. I was always drunk when I’d take it. Fast forward a bit and I noticed I was having problems with anxiety and was unable to feel emotions. I thought it was just me and that I was just stressed for the longest time and tried multiple things to get my emotions back and get rid of the depersonalization derealization I was feeling. I eventually came to the conclusion that it may be due to my past mdma use after doing some googling trying to figure out what was going on with me. Instead of finding that and deciding to stay clear I had the idea in my head that I needed to try it again and see if it worked on me still. I convinced myself that if it would work and I’d roll that it would mean my receptors were fine. I took mdma with a friend one night but was so drunk couldn’t remember if it worked. I had depression from it already but edc was in two from then so I decided I had to try again at edc and just not drink. I tried it again at edc and did not roll. I didn’t want to ruin the night for my friends so I decided to take a quarter of an addderall to keep me going for the night. The adderall worked. The next day I went outside to smoke and realized something wasn’t right in my brain. It was as if I couldn’t think with the front of my brain. Then I noticed something was terribly off with my vision. One year later and tons of anxiety and depression to the point where I wish I’d just die sometimes, I did a lot of googling and realized that I was being lied to about mdma and that it can in fact do damage and that the doses I was taking are way into the extreme. I will forever resent myself for not being smarter and doing the research to figure things out for myself. I can’t even find a single other person who has abused this stuff to the extent that I did much less find someone who recovered from it. I ruined my life all over some stupid party pills. My visual snow is so bad that it makes me dizzy and sends me into panic attacks just to Actually look at things. Absolutely everything gives me anxiety now. I feel as though I’m not even a person anymore. To make matters worse I’m a 5ft 100lb female. Which means that the doses I was taking are definitely considered neurotoxic. I need someone to talk to who is going through the same and made it through. I feel so hopeless and helpless. The anxiety and depression are so bad that it’s painful.
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That doesn't sound like abuse pills never did anything to me either so I always had pure MD. I did 1g bomb and had a fat line and didn't think it was that good so I had another .5g bomb and about half hour later it all hit at once. Which made me od I was never a big MD person I liked my Mkat and lsd but MD fucked me up and fucked my heart up. My head's still a mess I still have panic attacks daily and it's been a year and 7 months almost.
 
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Badroll7 said:
Outta curiosity, has anyone had real physical symptoms from this after a year or so. Paresthesia, loss of fine motor skills etc. it’s been 5 years since my Ltc began and while I’ve had many good days, I’ve had more bad. Today i don’t have any of the mental symptoms really but Hands and feet hurt like hell. Just parathesia and sometimes hands feel a bit like I’ve lost some of control. Knees also feel bad. Just overall a bad feeling from my knee caps down. And my bones crack a lot. Now I know this may seem like it’s totally unassociated with the Ltc but trust me. After that night these symptoms started and have just progressed throughout the years. I’ve had mri, eeg, nerve conduction test, bloodwork, you name it and docs can’t find anything. I’ve seen a few neurologist and even rheumatologist. Just wondering if anyone has had these physical symptoms years after.
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Sounds like something else. All of my symptoms are mental
 
What's fucking me up the most is the DPDR. The only way I can describe it is it's like when you think about a word so much that you begin to question its meaning and it starts to sound weird and alien, except for everything. I really don't know what to do. I still can't believe this has happened to me, like my mind can't process it.
 
shouldvestayedhome said:
^
Did you got to a Doctor about the depression and anxiety?
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Yes I did.
Antidepressants made my visual snow and anxiety worse. Xanax helps for a short term but I’m afraid to mess my brain up even more if I’d take it each day so I stay as far away from it as possible.
 
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