I Sometimes Wish I Didn't Have A Functioning Brain

[LandsUnknown]

Sometimes, I wish I could just have been born with a very low IQ to the point that I had no idea WTF is going on in the world. Or any awareness whatsoever. And had no real worries or even an awareness of anything in the world, issues in my life, just a state of completely blissful ignorance 24/7. Because everything, including the world itself has completely gone to fucking shit these days.

 

[Nixiam]

Well, by saying this, I suspect that what you actually want isn't at least to have been born with a nonfunctioning awareness. Right, the web of nonsense is thick indeed, so what do you do?

What will you do?

 

[Highonlife1]

Many of us have the same problem, i hope you can start to find opportunities to allow yourself to shine by fixing some of these problems, whether as a volounteer or preferably a business getting paid. Otherwise yeh it can make you angry and crazy

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I have been trying to kill as many brain cells as possible for the longest of times. The void only brings more BS. Maybe not as smart but it dulls the pain and sometimes helps dis-spell the spells.
I seem to be getting bored with it all and await the next phase....
Til then I lay in the cut and observe with caution and hunger.
Best of all to you.


Edit:
As a child I was quiet and asked why I never speak up.
I started speaking up and asking questions.
I was then asked why I talked so much and what's with all the questions.
I reverted back and now just mostly live inside a place not many care to understand as it is not in line with pop anything.
Just anotha dumb ass mf....

 

[Shady's Fox]

Sure, sure. I mean what's right? rite shade. *head shrug*, listen.. the world is a beautiful place but people aren't, wait I gotta pour some pepsi, am thiristy, have u saw what's outside. Lucifer far cry, I would jump in a black hole haha. Phu.. am back, am so outta place haha, yeah so many people aim for victory not truth, that's malpractice -- the sickness nowadays. I think you have to settle down, to your own place and stop worring about what's happening in the world but again that's me. You do you

 

[dopamimetic]

Had the same thoughts many times too and afaik we have some more threads like this here, so it's a pretty common phenomenon :/ I wouldn't want to trade intelligence for stupidity though even when these people do have an easier life by all impression but also some of these with just limited intelligence but a high emotional quotient suffer from the same feelings and questions even when they tend to see things a bit easier or understand less.

What you might be aiming for is to lower your emotional quotient, something that's unfortunately more difficult than just to plainly kill crain bells. Look at chronic alcoholics, or conspiracy theories ...

 

[wudbutcher]

Cant appreciate sunshine without rain. Happy without sad would just be blah.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I've spent my life in pursuit of killing off as many of those pesky brain cells as possible in an attempt to achieve the ignorance of the masses. It's been a long haul, but it finally seems to be working. Or is it just the natural ageing process? Who cares. All I want to do is drool into the carpet for the rest of my life...

 

[empeebee]

I was reading some articles about killing specific brain cells... I don't know if it is possible, I mean I want to remove something that bothers me from my head, like bad things that happened. But at the same time I don't think it is something they to for free to anyone, I don't even know if it works....so I am just tempted to abuse antipsychotics again and go napalm mode on brain until I become a useless zombie waiting to die.

Mmmm, yes. Zombie. No emotions, no memories, no sense of loss or gain. Sounds perfect. Please keep us up to date on the DOC that seems to be working before it has worked too well so that we can get some too.
Been reading the thread about Invega Sustenna (Paliperidone) and it seems it does a great job at making you numb but it still leaves the memories in place as well as consciousness of events. Seems you just become immune to the emotions coming from memories or events.

 

[Joey]

I have a vivid internal world. I was always a dreamer, and I wonder if I may have always been delusional. I remember sitting by myself in an empty apartment about 20 years ago. My dad and I lived in an entire floor of empty apartments, the top floor of a building which used to house a popular restaurant in a small town nearby. Kickback for him, running the kitchen and all, $350/mo.

I was sitting in this room on an old musty couch, I was angry because I was losing too badly in a game of hall hockey. I flipped shit on my dad and stormed off, off I went into a trance on that couch.

There were 3 men thrashing about the room in front of me. I couldnt see them but I could hear them explicitly. Implicitly I heard, I actually heard the window smash and a scream,

"HE JUMPED OUT THE FUCKING WINDOOOOW!"

Perhaps there was a struggle and a suicide in some time past. Mayhap however, Im just fucked in the head in my internal world. Full of pain, rage, sadness, fear, spite, a deep desire to be good. To be better than Ill ever be, twisted up in this crystalline dream. I went on to abuse my earth, my world, my heaven, my soul, I plagued in my hell for years.

I heard whispers in the basement at my Grandmas house around the same year. One day I heard them vividly, blindingly quiet, a cacophony so clearly talking to me. Direct insurrection to my providence, my state.

I consider myself psychotic on my fix these days but back then I was still broken, soberly I navigated the plains which shattered into the shards I tread on now. Im a king made of glass. I surpass all nobility, Im no noble, I wretch and I fear. Im in excruciating pain.

Make it stop, please.

 

[empeebee]

I was sitting in this room on an old musty couch, I was angry because I was losing too badly in a game of hall hockey. I flipped shit on my dad and stormed off, off I went into a trance on that couch.

Could this have been what some call a psychotic break? Essentially where you mind (not your brain) separates from reality and constructs its own reality so as to try and preserve sanity?

 

[Joey]

Could this have been what some call a psychotic break? Essentially where you mind (not your brain) separates from reality and constructs its own reality so as to try and preserve sanity?

I would say so yeah. Its not a regular occurence at any point of my life otside of some major stim breakdowns but its happened a little bit otherwise too.

Really bizarre actually. I was talking to someone about this experience this morning, and then seeing this thread it just seemed to fit the tone and narrative so I sketched it all out. Its actually pretty fucked up.

 

[Nixiam]

It's possible that a reason for being depressed so deeply at the narrative given so far (that one would wish this helplessness) is that the truer, more magnificent narrative has to be found elsewhere, and not in the monster's belly exclusively. Meaning that the story you hear has less in common with the story you haven't. What's more is your repeating of the story over and over keeps you lost and in anxiety. Perhaps by locating a greater sense of what's true about our situation would shift how you feel about wishing you couldn't detect woe or sadness of circumstance.

 

[Foreigner]

It's much simpler to achieve a mindfulness practice where you can silence mind when need be, while activating it for other times.

If you're really intelligent then your mind will cause you to suffer, so at least that's one thing you can mitigate.

 

[Branggen]

You can live sort of like that but it takes practice, you gotta go out in the woods and live like a caveman, do not worry about anything other than you current needs

 

[PsychaGogic]

Sometimes, I wish I could just have been born with a very low IQ to the point that I had no idea WTF is going on in the world. Or any awareness whatsoever. And had no real worries or even an awareness of anything in the world, issues in my life, just a state of completely blissful ignorance 24/7. Because everything, including the world itself has completely gone to fucking shit these days.

Sorry brother but I've gotta be real with you, I'd understand if you say this while suffering from legit depression, but this is a pathetic and defeatist thing to say.

The world has always been shit, life has always been hard, because without hardship nothing of good quality is produced, everything gets fat and lazy when all is comfortable.

Whatever personal trouble you're in, whether it's financial or whatever, it's your job NOW to overcome it. Stop thinking things will eventually become blissful, because it never will; to sound like I've got a stick up my arse and be philosophical - the end of the road is not the goal, the road itself is the goal.

Your brain releases dopamine when you accomplish something, or "win", life is about winning.

Start training to win for the day instead of wanting to psychologically kill yourself.

 

[PsychaGogic]

Ah ye the classic "keep believeing in yourself, dont get motivated, failures are your successes, be stronger and overcome everything".

Too bad it's 8 years im unemployed, I don't touch a girl (or talk to) since 5 years and I dont exit from home since 4 years. Also I don't have a single friend to talk to and the few of my families alive hate me.
Everyday I wake up and I know I will just pass the time on YouTube and Reddit, or eventually some videogames.

The "motivational speech" may work first time, but when your shitty life is definitely routine despite all your attempts to make it better, you really give up, and you just want to kill yourself, in one way or another. So can't blame the OP.

The only joy I have is when I black out on alcohol and benzos.

TLDR; Best to read the full comment... but start going to Church/Depression counseling meetings and you'll find some people. Start volunteer working at charity shops. Get involved in politics/activism. Quit drugs.

If this was directed at me, at least quote me mate because I don't like seeing people in this state.

Firstly, maybe I inferred "believe in yourself", but never said it, because I shouldn't need to say that people should be reliant on themselves for their happiness and survival. I never said, "Don't get motivated", dopamine is directly related to motivation, it's a reward chemical designed to reinforce actions - 'winning'. I said your motivation is to overcome the day, daily, however that may be, win at something everyday. Currently, you're not winning at anything, at all, you're spending your time on easy dopamine releases (internet, video games, porn, drugs) and not achieving anything important. Failure is not success, you succeed by overcoming failure, and you feel good when you do it. You cannot lift heavy weights without training, so start off small and work your way up? You want friends? Go to Church meetings and depression counseling sessions. You don't like these people aren't your age/interesting? WAIT, it's a first. You on the dole but able to get drug money? Do volunteer work at a Charity or some sort of leftist group that sucks the cock of the poor and oppressed - ANTIFA?

Regarding girls, you have to actually meet them first - don't go shagging prozzies for the love of God you'll feel worse. I literally don't talk to my family except my ma and pa, don't know anyone on my mum's side and I never talk to any on my dad's.

You have already admitted to creating your life through routine, break it while you still can.

People don't naturally want to kill themselves for a reason.

 

[PsychaGogic]

I already quit drugs, i just do some benzos because all other stuff its boring to me. Not even mdma can make me 1 second happy. And its not because I abused and I fucked up my serotonine. The reality is just it happens at some point in your life that nothing, and I say nothing, can brings you joy.
So its understandable being demotivated and emotionless.

"you're spending your time on easy dopamine releases (internet, video games, porn, drugs) "
Did I say that internet makes me happy, or videogame? Its just something to spend the time. I get nothing from it. And I dont watch porn, I dont know who told you that, but I can barely have an erection. And in the remote case I try to masturbate I get depression almost istantly and I stop it, so quit your bs.

cba to read past that lol

Benzos are drugs? Addictive CNS Depressants?? MDMA probably wouldn't work if you're constantly tranqued. Theres what like 7 billion people on this earth and plenty of them get on with life, not necessarily are euphoric throughout it, but life isn't euphoric it's something hard but ultimately neutral you participate in.

It's understandable you can't get it up if you feel no reward, pretty common symptom for depression, lots of what you are saying are reminiscent of some with Major Depressive Disorder, but I'm sure you know that.

Nothing I've said is bullshit, you're fucking mentally ill and lying to yourself I'm reaching out to you TO GET FUCKING HELP BEFORE YOU BECOME A STATISTIC. You don't need to read my post in full, I gave a tldr on purpose.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Benzos are drugs? Addictive CNS Depressants?? MDMA probably wouldn't work if you're constantly tranqued. Theres what like 7 billion people on this earth and plenty of them get on with life, not necessarily are euphoric throughout it, but life isn't euphoric it's something hard but ultimately neutral you participate in.

It's understandable you can't get it up if you feel no reward, pretty common symptom for depression, lots of what you are saying are reminiscent of some with Major Depressive Disorder, but I'm sure you know that.

Nothing I've said is bullshit, you're fucking mentally ill and lying to yourself I'm reaching out to you TO GET FUCKING HELP BEFORE YOU BECOME A STATISTIC. You don't need to read my post in full, I gave a tldr on purpose.

I’m reading @PsychaGogic ’s advice here like a case of tough love - it reads a bit brutal just as text but it is spot on in a situation like this.

My teenage kid presented for a while with very similar complaints/outlook to OP. At first I was all worried about his emotions/feelings and that he might harm himself so I went “there there” and wrapped him up in cotton wool and let him blame the world for his own shitty life.

He just got worse...

So I ended up telling him the truth - that his shitty unemployed life was the result of his own dumb decisions (like not making effort at school and always disrespecting his teachers) and that he had no friends because he was an arrogant smart-arse whose bigotry alienated nice decent people and girls eI also gave him the age old wisdom that if you don’t change nothing in your life will change.

After a few months of this constant tough love he surprised me by joining a sports club, finding a volunteer position in the community and enrolling in a community college for several different courses to develop job skills. He also started door Knocking businesses every day to find work. He has not found work yet but I’ve never seen him happier or been more proud of him.

It’s totally possible to reinvent yourself as a person once you can admit what your problems are.

 

[PsychaGogic]

I’m reading @PsychaGogic ’s advice here like a case of tough love - it reads a bit brutal just as text but it is spot on in a situation like this.

My teenage kid presented for a while with very similar complaints/outlook to OP. At first I was all worried about his emotions/feelings and that he might harm himself so I went “there there” and wrapped him up in cotton wool and let him blame the world for his own shitty life.

He just got worse...

So I ended up telling him the truth - that his shitty unemployed life was the result of his own dumb decisions (like not making effort at school and always disrespecting his teachers) and that he had no friends because he was an arrogant smart-arse whose bigotry alienated nice decent people and girls eI also gave him the age old wisdom that if you don’t change nothing in your life will change.

After a few months of this constant tough love he surprised me by joining a sports club, finding a volunteer position in the community and enrolling in a community college for several different courses to develop job skills. He also started door Knocking businesses every day to find work. He has not found work yet but I’ve never seen him happier or been more proud of him.

It’s totally possible to reinvent yourself as a person once you can admit what your problems are.

Thank you for sharing that very personal story @Atelier3 - know that you did the right thing regarding your boy there.

@brickk you know you have to quit benzos and actually do something with you life; if you do nothing but waste time, change that usage of time into something productive, only you know what that is.