I fucking wish I could use Xanax all the time

[demonapocalypse]

I hate the fact that I have too much self control to the point where I can't binge on Xanax because of the overwhelming fear that I'll build up tolerance and it'll lose its magic and the one thing that makes me not feel like shit will be gone/out of reach until tolerance resets. I think its fucked that I have to ration out happiness for myself damn I just wish I was able to enjoy things fuck this.

 

[mal3volent]

You have to have bad days so you can have good days. Or at least okay days. I know what you mean.

 

[COIL]

I hate the fact that I have too much self control to the point where I can't binge on Xanax because of the overwhelming fear that I'll build up tolerance and it'll lose its magic and the one thing that makes me not feel like shit will be gone/out of reach until tolerance resets. I think its fucked that I have to ration out happiness for myself damn I just wish I was able to enjoy things fuck this.

I have the opposite issue with self control. I wont allow myself to buy benzos (oh, but every couple months I still do) because i'll always black out, seemingly. I took a year off. now, for a month ive been using bromazolam as a way to lessen knee issues i was born with (no healthcare) and I guess I've learned some self-control over the last year. Im sitting here with about a 4/10 on the pain scale and 50+ mg of bromaz in the closet and I'm waiting until bedtime to take it, so I can actually sleep without hours of writhing. Unfortunately, my tolerance has skyrocketed and I'm not sure what direction I need to head in next. I have a thread up about it in health and recovery actually (mostly regarding the peptide bpc157 and its potential to help with my knees and the fact that ive gone back to self medicating again)

The thing I wanted to mention, was that for me, as someone diagnosed with complex PTSD, benzos are the only thing that make me feel like I'm not in a living hell. Day to day life without self-medication has seemed impossible just because of all the general/social anxiety and lack of access to healthcare.

I'm glad you're choosing to fight the good fight, because right now I'm at a crossroads where I have to just stop, or probably just become a lifetime user. Ive lived half of my life already and its been hellish. If the second half has to be so traumatic I'd rather be too fucked up to not care about it

 

[Frazzled1990]

I hate the fact that I have too much self control to the point where I can't binge on Xanax because of the overwhelming fear that I'll build up tolerance and it'll lose its magic and the one thing that makes me not feel like shit will be gone/out of reach until tolerance resets. I think its fucked that I have to ration out happiness for myself damn I just wish I was able to enjoy things fuck this.

Benzo tolerance never really fully resets. When you need a particular drug to feel happy, then the drug itself is likely one of the leading causes of your unhappiness when you don't have access to it. You need to find other ways of making yourself happy instead. Start a passion project or something. Anything that will give your life a sense of meaning and give you a sense of identity. You don't need drugs for that. Throw yourself out into the world and face your anxiety and fears head on. Because it's not ever going to go away with drugs.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I hate the fact that I have too much self control to the point where I can't binge on Xanax because of the overwhelming fear that I'll build up tolerance and it'll lose its magic and the one thing that makes me not feel like shit will be gone/out of reach until tolerance resets. I think its fucked that I have to ration out happiness for myself damn I just wish I was able to enjoy things fuck this.

This is DEFINITELY a blessing in disguise. Keep that healthy fear of abusing benzos. I am still scared of developing an addiction to benzos because I am rightfully terrified of benzo withdrawals. I've been through really bad benzo withdrawals once and it was legit a living nightmare for an entire week. And I'd only been abusing lorazepam and valium for maybe 1-2 weeks? So yes, please remain respectful of your xanax use.

 

[Frazzled1990]

This is DEFINITELY a blessing in disguise. Keep that healthy fear of abusing benzos. I am still scared of developing an addiction to benzos because I am rightfully terrified of benzo withdrawals. I've been through really bad benzo withdrawals once and it was legit a living nightmare for an entire week. And I'd only been abusing lorazepam and valium for maybe 1-2 weeks? So yes, please remain respectful of your xanax use.

This.

Many make the mistake of treating Benzo's like any other class of drug. It's not like abusing Amphetamines or Opiates where once you stop, you feel crap for a while, then gradually start to feel better. With Benzo's, the withdrawal is all over the place, especially if you've been using them consistently for at least a few months. The withdrawal doesn't gradually creep up on you, it hits you out of nowhere. It's not linear either. When you think the withdrawal is finally over, BAM! It hits you again several days/weeks later. The severity of the withdrawal symptoms can vary wildly. You may have minimal withdrawal symptoms for the first week or two. Then they appear to disappear. Then a month or two later, you wake up one morning in complete terror and panic and can't stop shaking. That's probably the worst thing about Benzo withdrawal, never really knowing when it's truly over.

 

[d3athadone]

^ who the fuck wants to be sick off benzos. Almost a death sentence in my eyes. Just look at Jordan peterson, who took benzos for too long. I hate to laugh at someones misery but I remember him talking about drugs once and I was just like wah??? This man has no idea what hes talking about and then go figure couple years later he cant even do an interview.

Welcome To Hell Jordan. Have a seat.

 

[Frazzled1990]

^ who the fuck wants to be sick off benzos. Almost a death sentence in my eyes. Just look at Jordan peterson, who took benzos for too long. I hate to laugh at someones misery but I remember him talking about drugs once and I was just like wah??? This man has no idea what hes talking about and then go figure couple years later he cant even do an interview.

Welcome To Hell Jordan. Have a seat.

In Jordan Peterson's defence (yeah, I know...) he was taking a legitimate prescription. It wasn't as if he was tapping Clonazepam off some dodgy back alley dealer. He took it as prescribed. It just goes to show what this stuff can do to anybody, even when used exactly as directed.

Going all the way to Russia and being put in a medically induced coma so that he could cold turkey his way off it however was the absolute worst thing he could do. There's no telling how many seizures he may have had during that coma and the long lasting damage it may have left behind.

 

[candidsurprise]

I hate the fact that I have too much self control to the point where I can't binge on Xanax because of the overwhelming fear that I'll build up tolerance and it'll lose its magic and the one thing that makes me not feel like shit will be gone/out of reach until tolerance resets. I think its fucked that I have to ration out happiness for myself damn I just wish I was able to enjoy things fuck this.

I have the exact same fear. It is probably saving our lives mate

 

[nznity]

I wish i could inject morphine without the fear of not worrying that i ran out of the shit for my next fix. Oh well, at least im 13 months clean and counting.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I have the exact same fear. It is probably saving our lives mate

Yes! It's certainly saving you from the nightmarish world of pain and turmoil that is benzo withdrawals.