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H Withdrawal Soon/Chronic Pain & Health Problems/We Can Do It!

hey shroomy mate, been a while since we last had a chat init?
proper proud of you kicking the h man (ツ
don't go back to it man, it's not worth it. i've been doing a bit less since we last spoke and i actually rattled it off beginning of this month and was opi-free for like two weeks!
it wasn't really through choice though, a combination of funds, family and general malaise kinda forced my hand and i've since been using sporadically the past week - in fact i'm having a smoke as i type this lol
try to keep your oxy binges far enough apart from each other tho mang, it would suck to have done so well with your rattle and then end up back and square one
speaking of though, i'm hoping i've spaced my dosages out enough to avoid getting hooked again, fingers crossed ༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽

that's awesome about your new girl man, how long you been seeing each other? is it legit or still just seeing where it goes rn?
either way, if the sex is that good, your onto something sweet.
one thing tho, don't focus your recovery around a relationship man. not catastrophising anything to do with you but a guy in my recovery meetings was seeing a girl in another group (big no-no) and tbey broke up like two weeks ago and he's using now more than ever after something like 4 months of sobriety :/
but yeah, what i'm saying is do it for you man! got faith in you
goodluck with the benzo taper too man, heard good things about the norflunaz, hopefully not too good aha (ツ
 
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lol yeah bro I'll send you a PM or Skype sometime soon. Yeah dude the girl is not relevant to my recovery from this shit. She's an amazing girlfriend prospect. I'm pretty much good where I'm at man with the drugs apart from you know the multiple life long addictions and all but at least I haven't done any heroin in a month, mainly due to spending all my money on it, running out of benzos and needing to stock those, and yeah man if a line of dope was in front of me I'd still do it so I have some work to do. I'm just a little more stable at the moment.

I'm doing little oxy binges here and there but I only get so many oxy's per month - the equivalent roughly speaking of maybe 3 to 5 days worth of good H that I get - so I can only really be high for about 7 days of that month. Otherwise I'm not having withdrawals - just my usual chronic pain, low energy bored and self destructive self although life is seeming a little brighter these days. Smokin weed when I don't got the pills. That's cool you took a break as well - when I first stopped it was not by choice. I had to go like 2 weeks without any dope and after that I was just like fuck this shit. Oxy's don't get under my skin as much. I don't think I could go back to dope but I don't think I want to quit pills. I met her when I was on my acid trip by the way and being really silly but like serious too and she's really chill so it has been amazing so far. Hehe I took a decent dose of that benzo just earlier and it seems pretty great to me.

Be careful after rattling that long too! Dude it feels exactly like when I fell in love with my first gf but even better and yeah it hasn't been long lol but we have really been at each other so either way it's sweet. I would totally date her but for the ridiculous sex we seem to have every time and her personality man not for a distraction from being sick or whatev. We are all over each other and it's just fucking sweet!!! I'm not used to that sort of attention but she can't seem to get enough. I wouldn't shoot dope and go anywhere near this cute little thing omg ahaha the thing is I would though if I did dope again. Oh fuck man I'd never get away with it with her she has a keen eye and like, yeah just really wants to know me inside and out. You know? So like how can I hide a dope habit and fuck that shit anyways man. I take 15mg IR oxy and take a dab of shatter, smoke a bong rip, pop a couple benzos and I'm grinning from ear to ear anyway. Life is just great right now and this is what has happened since I got clean. I smoked DMT twice for the first time (at heavyish doses I mean), then took a ten strip and had an unbelievable day and night, it had been like a year since I had any and grrrr I can't even think about how good she was, Man it just seems like I'm much happier even though I'm in pain and more alive. I am still moody I guess, pretty stoned at the moment.
 
yeah man i'm pretty busy these days so you know, send it whenevs good for you, i'll def get round to reading it
just might be a bit of a late reply hha
and ha sounds like you're all made up man, you don't need to go back tothat shit
plus bongs, benzos, oxys, strips and dmt plus sex more than make up for it right?
aha, yeah you seem way wayyy happier, take it easy man!
 
Yeah bro lol I'm glad you think that. I'm doing really well and I didn't expect to be falling in love like this but it's totally happening and it's almost fucking magical. That was a straight up shock and she is really cute. Like it's just straight up serious man we've really talked things through and got to know each other and the mutual attraction is mind blowing, it's fucking amazing and I haven't had that in my life in a really long time. We just really like each other a lot in a lot of different ways.
I think I'm good man. I ate 7 grams of mushrooms today and forgot who I was. I was perfectly lucid, and I had all the logic in the world, but I couldn't figure out that I was Shroomy on shrooms. I didn't know I was human. My crush helped me figure it out because I was so distressed lol! She is out of town though.... we are both like just can't wait to see each other again. And then I was reborn. Heaviest trip I've had lately man shrooms always do me in and a quarter is not to fuck with lol but psychedelics are really helping me right now.
Weed is a luxury dude but this chick is so sweet hearted she smokes me up as much as I want, she knows I'm still kicking so. I'm teaching her piano and she is teaching me french.
Man so I'm def coming around that's for sure : ) and fuck dope! I'll never do it again. Fuck back pain man I just want to be a normal man with a good job and a very cute girlfriend and it's all right fucking there for me man. I honestly just HAVE to stay clean... I can still rip bong, have amazing sex, take psychedelics every couple weeks, smoke dmt when I have cravings for H like man there are just so many things in this world to do other than heroin. Not to mention like just lay down and read a book or hit up a movie. I was in a really dark place and I never ever want to return there. I still haven't recovered physically at all by the way - slowly but surely. She's being really patient with me which is just awesome and why it's working out between us as my recovery comes first. Gotta get my shit together man and it's now or never, she is honestly the girl of my dreams though and we are really hitting it off.
So I think I'm doing pretty well! I don't have any more oxy's for about a month but I don't really care. I was off dope before then for so long anyway it was kinda like a taper and now I'm back to nothing.
 
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Hey so I am really going through a rough time now. I know what this is. This fucking insomnia. It's the onset of post-acute withdrawals. I'm going to start having hardcore panic attacks again like last time before I relapsed. When it got to the insomnia, I couldn't fuckin do it for much longer and like it's the same fucking time frame. The PAWS is RELENTLESS. I'm going to want to sleep sleep sleep fucking sleep but I won't be able to. My back is going to be killing me. I have insane cravings for heroin.

Why now, everything is going well. I think that I'm going to give my pills to someone I really trust next time and tell them in advance to hold me to it. That way I can maintain for a while, recover and rest on a really low dose of oxy (like, under 40mg daily, it's not heroin fuck). I really wish I still had some of those percocet around, they lasted around 10 day this time which isn't bad and I don't really have cravings for those. What I want is a fuckin 100mg line of heroin. I can't get it out of my mind and I have so much to lose.

If I do anything to fuck with this girl other than well fuck her lol... like it's happening fast but we can't stop thinking about each other and I have another hot little date with her tomorrow when she gets home. It is also just chill in a way. Like it's just fucking crazy how she came into my life like that. She understands, and is really supportive but it's like I need to get clean for ME not for anyone else and I don't even know what her feelings would be if I relapsed well I do kind of but like it would hurt me inherently the relapse itself. I've come so far. I've put 7 grams of shrooms, 10 blotters of AL-LAD, two heavy lungfuls of DMT into this to keep me going. I have spent weeks bedridden missing out on the height of summertime. Physically, I'm pretty good now. When I was starting this journey I wasn't looking for anyone I was looking for a day that I wasn't sick enough so that I could apply for some careers. I'm in post-acute withdrawals and it's enough misery for myself. I told her how I'm feeling and our hot little date is just hanging out together like really low key and she likes that anyway.

I'm thinking of microdosing Ibogaine today. I have some of the pure Ibogaine chemical and even microdosing it is very powerful. It hasn't really helped yet but I've only used it a few times and it made me feel really stimulated. I could try that to see if it might help, why not. It doesn't have to be a flood dose I'm talking like a sub-trip dose but the entheogenic effects of Ibogaine were strong at low doses even, I found. Increased access to memory.
 
the insomnia always gets me too, its the reason i started opiates.
its the worst part of paws for me, but also something i deal with anyway. i think a lot of people struggle to make the correlation that paws and pre-existing stuff go hand in hand.
and wait, i thought you had a ton of benzos? maybe hold off on the benzos detox (if that's what you're doing) until the opiate paws pass? cause relapsing on h after all that isn't worth it.
be careful with that ibogaine too.
 
No more psychedelics. I've been trashing myself with ten strips, quarter ounces of shrooms, heavy hits of DMT. I'm good. No ibogaine I don't need it at this point. I'd like a bong rip and a dab of hash.

I shredded my guitar and it calmed me down and I talked to my cutie new friend. I feel a lot better... good point about pre-existing stuff. I know things will get much better though... I was never ever this bad.

I have a ton of benzos yeah man but I can't raise my dose for an opiate addiction you know? I can taper off those next (like, year, probably).

I got some Norflurazepam and it's an active metabolite of Dalmane a sleep medication so I got the best benzo for the sleep situation. Etizolam for the panic.

Thanks for checking in bro... I find nights / mornings are just the worst. If I had the energy to plug a daisy chain of guitar pedals I managed not to sell for fucking stupid FUCKING heroin, this morning, get my ass out of bed and plug in my stratocaster and shred, I think that is a huge improvement because I haven't played guitar or done anything in weeks. The thing is... I'm beginning to wake up and I'm freaking out.

I will NEVER give up this time no matter what and I think my next hot little date soon will give me a great break. I'm getting close to freedom from this shit... at least a little. Fuckin heroin fuckin heroin I need to see what I have to lose. My life. If I go back, I have learned how to hit several veins. It's gonna be the end of me if that happens and it will not. I'm just going through a lot man I kinda wish I was still rattling tbh. This brought me to tears, thanks for checking in bro I need to talk about stuff. I'm hurting bad and I'm not too sick anymore. I'm waking up and it's all good man I just gotta keep it up and TOUGH IT OUT.
 
Fuck eh this is a rollercoaster ride. It's been about a month. I'm not taking my scripted oxy's either which I wouldn't have been able to feel anyway... so no opiates/opioids at all.

I realize this is ruining my life but the cravings are starting. I was too sick to have cravings before. The cravings are unbearable and extreme. Almost copped today but if I wait two weeks I can get my oxy's, and at least have my daily amount. Fuck though fuck I'll probably be shooting dope again in no time.

Wasting the summertime away suffering like this would totally not be worth an autumn relapse. I am getting exercise... yoga, and a lot of sex (she is exhausting me, being in withdrawal) which I think is healthy for me. It got so bad that I decided to do this but why would I go back then. I don't know if I can stop myself and I've had it pretty good lately.

I'm still very weak, puked again the other morning, totally exhausted, hard to eat, but I am starting to feel different. I can't see myself going without it for much longer.
 
I felt suicidal this morning. I am having extreme cravings for heroin. It has been a long while now and I am stressed out of my mind. I have the money and means to acquire it as well.
 
ah shit man, i don't know what to day. ༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽
you've done really well, couldn't you just sedate yourself with some of that norfluaz and just chill or i dunno have a few of your oxy?
or speak to your girl, tell her yuou're struggling,, there's no shame in that
just don't isolate yourself

༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽
 
Have I done really well? I can't really remember how long it has been. but, WAY TOO FUCKING LONG OF A TIME.

I just lost my shit completely. Nah man my oxy went through 10 days I have to wait a week or so to get them. My new friend had a couple on her and I took them and actually got high. Good thing to know how low my tolerance is now.

Yeah man I found a buddy to talk to. I flipped the fuck out today, I had the money for the dope and it was like fuck fuck fuck I could actually SNIFF that shit if I wanted to again mmmmmmmmmmmmmm fuck yes, no pain no problems no lack of energy. No dumbed down intelligence or concentration. Lethargy. I feel like an old man after like a fucking month for fucks sake? WTF.

It's just a bad day... I went hiking with her yesterday and it was really fun. My spine didn't hurt too much either. I had to get high I just needed something so I have a little fishscale. Weed or booze don't agree with me and it was that or dope. Freaking the fuck out all about how much I want heroin but like then what? I can't be in a relationship, I don't have a sex drive anymore. I can't work, I'd probably be calling in sick today still for fucking fucks sake I am just at my wits end.

I don't remember the withdrawal. I remember it was horrific. Now, my brain feels totally fried a lot of the time, not always, and I have a lot of extreme anxiety, panic attacks, fury... like last night I was just beating the fuck out of myself pretty much (I mean, hitting my legs really hard, and smashing my fist into my head, and cutting my arms with scissors. I can't handle it anymore but I'm glad I was just like fuck I need a hit why not a little coke then? I've been using that for 15 years and it's just not my thing but like I just need to feel good, just a little relief for fucks sake. I felt suicidal recently.

I was doing better before? What the fuck is going on, I'm dope sick today. It has been a really long time I don't get how it can ruin me like this. I am becoming extremely impatient.
 
dude come on, sounds like you're just going round and round in circles in your head. it takes a real effort of will and determination to get where you are right now, and you should be proud that you've made it this far. acute wd's are the easy bit of this whole fiasco, its the PAWS, that's when the real challenge begins man and you have legit been doing great. (ツ

i hear a lot of self-criticism in your words, and that's feeding into your urge for negative escapism. just take a moment and congratualte yoruself on getting to this point - its an achievement and lots of people never get there. what's worrying me now though is this new development - self harm. if you start cutting in earnest then please stop talking to me and get yourself to a doctor, because this is a rapid escalation and it really worries me.

you've got yourself into this self-criticizing rut, and i bet this feeds from all the time you spend isolated battling the thoughts in your head. you neeed to get out more, don't get me wrong you're an interesting person to talk to aha but if all this intense introspection is getting you into this headspace you need to remove yourself from it - grab a coffee with a friend, walk a dog, go for a swim, anything

just take care if yourself shroomy pal, please
 
Oh man thank you for that. And you are totally right, I have BPD but I very rarely self harm (symptom of it). I hadn't in like 6 months, I have a few scars on my arm. I was homeless for a few days and that's why I freaked.

Yeah man I went for a hike yesterday! Up to a nice lookout. It was really nice and I had to drive a couple hours. I'm functioning sometimes, it's just not a linear progression. Today was a horrible day, for several reasons, and I'm feeling better now. I was really close to relapsing though. I just got some fuckin fishscale man you know like ANYTHING but dope.

I took two percocets the other day, no cravings, no withdrawal. That is HUGE when I was taking 400mg a day at times and not feeling it like that. But I know for sure if I did that a few times in a row I'd be fucked.

You're right. I have been fighting day after day after day after day after day and now it's just wearing me out so bad I just want to spend the day in bed. I'm getting a lot of exercise though actually. A little yoga, lots of sex, little hiking, lots of long walks. Sunlight, healthy food, I'm being good to myself for the most part. I don't want to relapse and die because my tolerance is very low now and if I do relapse I am going to want to shoot it because like, fuck it, I would have failed in my mind. Dude I just really thought I was gonna get high on Heroin today. But I didn't.

Anxiety is through the roof. I need to be patient and realize that there is a lot going on in my body right now, and not just my brain - all over... it just sucks. And like what if I relapse? It's like I wasted a summer. I can't ever do dope again.

Oh yeah, and post-hardcore / metalcore guitar playing is essential. I am just so so ANGRY. That's what is up next I just need to eat something as I am turning into a fucking skeleton.
 
Im feeling way better today. It's because I got fishscale over dope and Heroin wasn't too happy about that. I freaked the fuck out it was honestly like the exorcist. Thrashing around on my friends bed until I was soaked in sweat and just panicking the fuck out of control.

Today I have extreme anxiety but it's just way better, I'm sleeping 3 hours a night which sucks but I guess is normal. Yesterday was a very close call. I know I'm looking at a long time span and I'm cool with it. I don't like stimulants too much by the way, I have used coke very sparingly for 15 years. I just needed a fuckin hit and like the bag was right in front of my eyes. I just have a lot of support now and I'm hanging out with old friends, new cute girl it is amazing. She said she was glad I didn't relapse. I guess some people give a fuck because if two percocet get me feeling it good now, I think if I ever went back I would die very quickly. Because, I'd be shooting it. I am fighting like a warrior though I will NEVER give in,
 
Hi guys! Sorry I vanished. My job is keeping me so busy i rarely have time to come here. But I'm thinking of you guys. I really hope everyone is doing ok. I'm ok. The same really. I rarely go through w/ds that's cause I can buy them now. Spending so much money on oxys it's not even funny. This month I'm trying really hard to make my pills / my actual script last the month cause my new job is too crazy for me to go in in work w/ wds. We shall see. Self control has never been a strength! But I have to start somewhere. So, for once I'm gonna really try not to mess up.
Thinking of you all!
:)
Sasha
 
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How is everybody doing? I'm back to day one. Got a bottle of Gabapentin. Thank God. It had been hell lately, everything. But I'm on my way up :)

Love love love to you all. So much.

Be well.

Xoxox
 
It sure fucking is lol ;-)

Slight slip. Back on track. Still counting as day one. Was a small slip, and short to boot lol. He's such a shit. ;)

How the fuck my eyes still tearing up after doing that. Ok. Definitely still calling this day one lol.

Ok. Let's get this shit over with. God. Enough.
 
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I recommend highly getting on Suboxone because my withdrawals over the years and 15 years I've been doing opiates are just not even a manageable and I'll do some opiates in literally 4 hours I'm in starting withdrawals again so I'm constantly having to do something just to stay out of withdrawals eventually I got so sick and tired of that I just went and saw a Suboxone doctor been on Suboxone for about 2 years and you know you can taper off and you know it's the best way to go about it
 
Alright. Day two. Slept like absolute shit. Back killing me.

Sigh

Oh well. Gotta do it.
 
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