• ✍️ WORDS ✍️

    Welcome Guest!

  • Words Moderators: Captain.Heroin | cduggles
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

Deep Goodbye

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,868
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
Old Farm House

In the middle of nowhere we speed until we wake from a street
in the middle of nowhere where tractors are still cool
in the middle of nowhere no random eyes so I can be that fool
in the middle of nowhere we sleep anywhere cause we drunk as fuck
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
btw someone messaged me and said they liked this thread

i deleted the 1st post which was like, the first 30 posts combined into one beautiful piece of literature that begins "like a poem" but ends up being free-thought crossed with a threnody/lament from a narrator that is deeply suicidal and suffering from something crossed between nihilism and absurdism [I am like 100% absurdist; normally I post stuff somewhere between stoicism/absurdism because of where I'd like to be not where I am now?: this was more of 'how to translate more personal/broader emotional experiences into a singularity so that it could potentially make sense with/without the actual codespeak/intentional sentimental trigger words]... it was more important to write a graphic piece that was meant only to convey feelings, not thoughts or ideas or wishes/desires, only to give someone a parallel of a hug, a hug that comforts by sharing darkness and relating that you are not alone, you are not inhuman for having these intrusive thoughts, many people think these things and almost everyone knows to keep it to themselves out of a very, very valid fear of being pidgeon-holed by professionals, force-fed medications by judgemntal 'loved ones' and/or stuck in some shitty state-run institute

I may one day choose to re-post it. For now... it is better.... invisible to non-mod eyes only :D

ftr the piece, originally entitled "Incomplete", was censored by me so that I could share it with others and retain 100% certainty it wouldn't be searched/linked to me personally to ppl I know irl (non-BL'ers, the type who stick to whatever is legal only those types LULZ, some of 'em still respect us, somehow!!!!) but I should probably just repost it, the 1 person I shared it with is 100% unlikely to reshare it w/ others (mutual trust in a non-sexual relationship of any kind is more valuable than gold; NEVER FORGET THIS, I cannot, CANNOT underscore it enough, CANNOT) and is equally, extremely unlikely to ever try googling lines in case I "stole it or shared it elsewhere" but in the 0.000000000001% chance that happens, I'd like to just.... have no results.

Then again if I did the search myself it would probably be in the waybackmachine
 

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,868
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
Nothing had meaning
but then I realized how It REALLY works
nothing has meaning until it has
I dont care about people until I do
when I end up caring alot its dangerous and beautiful
dangerous for me and hopefully beautiful for them
well yeah its beautiful for me too
I woke up listening to some black metal
thinking about doing a line of speed
to upgrade my state of being a level higher
even if just for a while I could smile
Im somewhat materialistic so I tend to show my affection
or maybe Im just libra haha
I was raised to be a company man so I became the antithesis
I hate lying which is one more paradox more
so I have recently tried to tell the truth
it seems to have worked
atleast with the people I know and love
so I guess I should leave the truth with them
in every other place I almost must lie
I had an interesting conversation yesterday with my friends
it was about what percentage of people would you kill to save the planet
sadly with the current system even 80% aint propably enough
I had a mental awakening few weeks back when I finally
realised that all political systems work just as they were intended to
so its not fuck capitalism its "fuck humanity, news, tv shows, radio music and
every fucking shit that has affected populations opinion
on what is okay etc what is to be gain in life and in workplace"
 
Last edited:

Shady's Fox

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 12, 2017
Messages
2,517
Location
Palm trees & sea, just walkin along the beach.
Its fuck capitalism, my dude, you dunno where you live.. all this poverty all over the world.. Go to work, see for urself. Then you will appreciate $, I since when I was a kido I learned to work in construction site, I don't work legally anymore because I don't need to, I have my own income from my tricks but speaking on topic, it's what it's.
 

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,868
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
I have worked over 3 years in a construction sites ;) Thats where I got my early working experiences
 

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,868
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
Im gonna change my surname to "Idunfukdup"

Im in a room with another antisocial schizophrenic
he thinks Im full of shit but I already knew it
my biggest goal is to burn Vatican down
satanic rituals and all that
burning Vatican down sounds fucking heroic to me
something to aim for
even that was shit
I know its shit but you and I know its true
Im full of shit but still burning Vatican down is something to aim for
I cant accept the things seriously rich people do
and I recognize that capitalism just masks the problem that is human greed
so I try to aim my greed to be "good" even when its selfish
Im self serving that way
paradoxically Im toxic but
my ramblings are void of logic, mostly
cause I dont think it through, my brains hotboxing
when Im with other people, I fear Im getting doxxing
service coming at my way for those not so hot pics
 
Last edited:

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
lying is how it is spelled btw but I'm impressed w/ the read so far (stopped @ the error....continuing)
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
so its not fuck capitalism its "fuck humanity, news, tv shows, radio music and
every fucking shit that has affected populations opinion
on what is okay etc what is to be gain in life and in workplace"
WHOAAAAAA this is good A+ 10/10
 

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,868
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
WHOAAAAAA this is good A+ 10/10
Hahaa, thanks :)

Fuck opinion changing shit. Been to south Finland for a while now and half of the companies advertise like "you should do better".. wtf
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
Hahaa, thanks :)

Fuck opinion changing shit. Been to south Finland for a while now and half of the companies advertise like "you should do better".. wtf
I should though and I would find that type of message very inspirational...

...

...probably because I have OCD tendencies.... *PERFECTIONISM CONTINUES* [triggered]
 

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,868
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
Fact Rant

My aspergers is a fucking curse
it brought me adhd anxiety etc
and fucking literal humor
people dont even understand
when Im joking. Like cmon
but then again I dont understand
when they are joking
someone said something?
I will think for the rest of my life
that they, of course, meant me
because I fucking take it literally
its fairly simple to grasp
but since we are on internet
it really aint
fuck noises, voices, lights etc
gives me headache
Im wondering if autists on
internet receive more "racism"
than black people on America
doesnt really matter
atleast theres drugs and
some good people
but fuck it if it even sucks
 
Last edited:

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
oh wow it's really good
woke up w/ it in my head, what good lines

She reminds me of the one in school
When I was cuttin'
She was dressed in white
And I couldn't take my eyes off her
But that's not what I took off that night
She'll never cover up what we did with her dress, no
She said kiss me
It'll heal
But it won't forget
Kiss me
It'll heal
But it won't forget
And I don't mind you keepin' me
On pins and needles
If I could stick to you
And you stick me too
Don't break
Don't break my heart
And I won't break your heart-shaped glasses
Little girl, little girl
You should close your eyes
That blue is getting me high
Don't break
Don't break my heart
And I won't break your heart-shaped glasses
Little girl, little girl
You should close your eyes
That blue is getting me high
And making me low
That blue is getting me high
And making me low
She reminds me of a one I knew
That cut up the negatives of my life
I couldn't take my hands off her
She wouldn't let me be anywhere but inside
And I don't mind you keepin' me
On pins and needles
If I could stick to you
And you stick me too
Just don't break
Don't break my heart
And I won't break your heart-shaped glasses
Little girl, little girl
You should close your eyes
That blue is getting me high
Don't break
Don't break my heart
And I won't break your heart-shaped glasses
Little girl, little girl
You should close your eyes
That blue is getting me high
And making me low
She'll never cover up what we did with her dress, no
She said kiss me
It'll heal
But it won't forget
Kiss me
It'll heal
But it won't forget
I don't mind you keepin' me
On pins and needles
If I could stick to you
And you stick me too
Don't break
Don't break my heart
And I won't break your heart-shaped glasses
Little girl, little girl
You should close your eyes
That blue is getting me high
Don't break
Don't break my heart
And I won't break your heart-shaped glasses
Little girl, little girl
You should close your eyes
That blue is getting me high
And making me low
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
reviewing and revising the original piece for polishing (I was high out of my mind when I wrote all that shitposting) and it's going to be good

edit; done, but I think it is still not ideal in every way but I did my best.
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
NSFW:
Based on the concept that performance anxiety contributes to preventing proper sleep: persuade the patient to engage in the most feared behavior (that is, staying awake); as the patient stops trying to fall asleep, the performance anxiety related to attempting to fall asleep is reduced.


gibberish for personal reference only
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
Watch out for anixety/panic attacks
Because of four or five, six or so hardships this year I feel like this line from a Manson song

How the fuck are we supposed to know
If we're in love
Or if we're in pain

I'm a tightrope walker
I can't find my circus
And I'm damaged beyond repair
So yes I obviously watch out for them, work through them w/ breathing exercises/mental techniques. I even get to sleep w/o bzd's some nights when it seems impossible.

PTSD and PDA are a living nightmare.

The Five Stages of Grief
Derealization
Shock and a Delayed Emotional Reaction
Rumination
Suicidal Ideation
Suicide or Acceptance, if progression continues this far.

I feel like I'm in the acceptance phase. :| Moving on. Trying again.
 
Top