Getting found out by parents =\ Advice?

[VelocideX]

The time has come (the walrus said...), when you get caught out by your parents.

To be blunt: I'm after advice...

My mum has heard from other people that I've been doing drugs... Some of the info is wrong -- I haven't been doing LSD all the time.... in fact ive only ever done it twice, and very few people know about that. That part is purely speculation.

My mum has suspected it at times because of dilated pupils on sundays.

But apparently she's been hearing through her "mother's network" that i've been doing pills and speed, and moreover she claims to have heard it from several sources which she won't reveal. Funnily enough I managed to guess two of them, or got close enough to it that she stonewalled, because I know those people have been spouting rumours about me for ages.

It's not hard to make those rumours look true -- I'm a rave DJ, and go to raves all the time. Any allegation of drug use is likely to stick merely by association.

In any case:
- I ran her through mortality figures and how its far superior to alcohol (they drink a glass of wine with dinner most nights).
- I ran her through long term studies of mental health use, and how I'm not really in much danger there.
- I pointed out that I've got a 92 average in physics, a 89 average in maths, and I'm doing decently at law. i'm happier than I've ever been with my friends, my girlfriend, and my life in general. Despite this, she think's im heading on a "path to self-destruction"... I'm like, "what path? Where's the decline? My marks have gone UP lately"
- I pointed out the huge increase in usage in the under-30 age bracket. I pointed out that over 50% of people between 15 and 25 have tried marijuana.
- I pointed out there's a paradigm shift in the under-30's culture - the pharmacological revolution. People are willing to try new things, from the "legit" SSRIs to mind-expanding substances like LSD.

She said that it's illegal, and therefore wrong. I pointed out that not everything illegal is wrong. Alcohol was illegal in the USA at one point... murder is illegal, yet we wages wars "legitimately"? Not everything legal is "right"; perhaps smoking is the best example. Though not wrong, its certainly got major health consequences.

She was trying (implicitly) to say that drug users all throw away their lives... we talked about drinking. She said how she doesn't understand the binge drinking culture... she even used the phrase "alcoholics and drug users"... i leapt onto that, and pointed out that responsible drug use IS possible... it took me ten minutes of (extremely clever -- i might add) arguments to demonstrate that drug use is not necessarily irresponsible.

Eventually she said that she could never accept it, and thought she supports me wholeheartedly in everything else i do, she is extremely concerned.

I'd like to know who these "friends" are who've spoken to their parents about it for starters, cos im fuckin furious about that.

But other than that... any advice? =\ rather upset right now...

 

[Catax]

It seems to me like you have done a pretty good job defending yourself and your actions. I wish we didn't have to.
A similar thing happened to me when My parents found out about my drug use. Just stay honest with her she will appreciate that.
Stay who you are...she will get over it.

 

[Tantra]

Sounds to me like you picked your calling (law) eh?

 

[Pippin]

*big huggles*

did you tell her that whole bit about its original purpose - post traumatic stress. how its currently being tested etc?


wish she was like my mum and would accept the
"oh i had a dreadful thing called a come down and i never ever want to do it again"
or i wish i could come up with a line how coffee drinkers are throwing away their life just as much (or just as little) as other drug users...i dont think its going to happen

 

[endlesseulogy]

sit her down at the net and go check out www.maps.org

Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) is a getting together of all sorts of different professionals. There purpose is to study psychadelic drugs and how they can be used to better our lives.. this site is minus any government scare tactics.. i showed my mother this site and she is more accepting of my use of psychadelics.. i recomend it.. there are many professors and psychiatrists which u can contact via email as well. they are very helpful and have answered many of my questions..bottom line.. it takes time.. ur mother has been conditioned by the media and government over the years to think that drugs are wrong.. its going to take awhile to undo all that..



good luck..

 

[katmeow]

Luckily I've not been in the same situation. I guess there's not much more you can do but try to educate your mum as best you can.

Here's a few threads from aust social on the same topic...

Your parents views on your drug use

Does your family know?

When parents get suss

Hope it helps

 

[VelocideX]

^^ I've tried to explain this... I'm aware of MAPS, though I forgot to mention it....

But knowing her like I do, I honestly think that the chance of her ever accepting it is essentially zero.

I'm not saying accepting as in getting her to do it, and realising its potential -- that'll never happen -- but accepting that I'm going to use it and coming to terms with it

 

[VelocideX]

Oddly enough I don't really think its the safety issue that concerned her.... she's concerned that i have "an obsessive personality" and that i'm "going to throw away my life"

 

[Jubas]

try talking down your usage.. (if its not too late)
only use once every 2 months, instead of every 2 weeks.. you might feel a bit uncomfortable lying to her.. (if its true even better).. i'd be pretty annoyed at the friends as well..

 

[VelocideX]

Well that's the thing... I told her it was once every two months or so... and pointed out that that's hardly excessive use.

And in some ways, its true... I haven't had anything in nearly two months

 

[satricion]

It seems to me as though your mother has pretty much the standard anti-drug views that most mothers are likely to have...

The fact is that she isn't likely to change her views on what you're doing. All you can really do is try to ease the fears that she has for your safety by being responsible. In this case honesty is not always the best policy...tell your mother whatever will give her peace of mind.

So tell her about any use that she is likely to find out about, and don't tell her about anything she won't. Show your mum your pilltester kit, and show her studies that prove that MDMA and acid isn't addictive. If you can, play down your use of any substances that are physically addictive (ie speed). Point out to her that you are a normal, happy, intelligent, well educated person with a good social life who happens to take drugs, and that perhaps you are a bit of proof that drug use does not always equal becoming a junkie.

Also keep in mind that she can't actually stop you from taking drugs. You need to balance her wellbeing and your right to have a life and do the things that your life entails. You are being responsible and are well aware of the risks that you are taking.

And just as a side note, how did you find yourself in this position? "mother's network"? That means people who you've been taking drugs with or who know you take drugs have been telling your mum, or their parents. How the hell do people who are going to go telling mummy know about your drug use? You need to find the pissants who did this and make it clear that what they have done is a betrayal. All they have done is made your life more difficult, and put un-needed stress on your mother by encouraging her to worry about your wellbeing.

So in summary ease your mum's mind as much as you can and exclude from your life the people who are making it harder.

 

[yourmate]

hehee
i used to say dont bother me now you may cuase a panic attack and i could fry .
but yeh honesty always works.
u dont have to tell them everything just enuff to lat them no but not to much so they think u do it all the time.

 

[VelocideX]

You need to find the pissants who did this and make it clear that what they have done is a betrayal. All they have done is made your life more difficult, and put un-needed stress on your mother by encouraging her to worry about your wellbeing.

I concur... I'm extremely shocked about this, and never thought any of the people I know would do this...

I'm fuckin angry

 

[apollo]

Sounds to me like the only thing that'll put her mind at rest is time. Right now she's probably having a strong emotional reaction to what she's just found out about you, and consequently not prepared to listen to the facts on drugs. Well, she may listen as in hear and understand what you're saying, but her feelings about it - her intuition - tells her it's a bad thing no matter what, and that overrides what the facts say... Because she's worried about you. Don't forget that - she's only uptight about it because she's concerned about ya!

I say give it time, and she'll understand once she realises that you're doing fine and by worrying about it the only thing she's doing is costing herself energy.

 

[VelocideX]

^^ very good point.

I should also say that when she mentioned that one of the mums had a child from my school, i pointed out that the people in my year essentially hated me, and there's no reason for them not to make up heaps of shit...

she said "well its being talked about by xxx and xxx parents"
i pointed out exactly who was in those groups who still talked to each other, at what uni they were at, and that they all bitched about me incessantly... she didn't have a lot to say on that matter after that

 

[Pippin]

arent those xxx people having a bit of fun here and there themselves?!

if so what hypocrits....
you should tell your mum that people also start saying things about their friends to take the focus off them...
if they make out that you're outraged that someone else is doing them, their parents are hardly like to think they are...


maybe you should just go to her and say
"despite the fact that i think you are being very closeminded and old fashioned about this (ok insert something there which makes your aboutface look a little less strange) ive decided that i wont touch anything anymore for the sake of piece in the family / because i dont want you to worry as much as you say you are, unnecesary as it is"

or something


and then just stay at my/other people's places on sundays / any other relevant day lol

 

[badbiki]

Personaly.. My parents dont know as such, they just assume If they ever do ask tho, i will sit down and tell them straight. The way i see it, if they are prepared to ask the question then they are (or bloody should be!) prepared for either answer.

My old's have tip toed around this question before to be met with "dont ask" and "you dont want to know".. Questioning ceased there so obviously they weren't ready for the answer yet

Be honest.. dont lie.. but also give them the option of not knowing... They can either live knowing or not knowing

It really annoys me tho when my father keeps dropping lame arse lines like "I'm giving you this because i know you're not going to piss it up against the wall or spend it on drugs....."... Hell, he went into a fit of histerics when he found out i was driving around pro's.... funny stories.. anyone else get those lame little punch lines droped into random conversation every now and then by parents?

 

[starlet_girl]

If only there was some way we could all convince our parents to try it for themselves...it would be so enlightening for them, and imagine how much closer you would feel towards them through that bonding.

 

[satricion]

I disagree about being honest with parents.

As far as I'm concerned it's better for me and them that my parents don't know. Less stress and worry for both of us. By not telling my parents I feel that I'm doing both of us a favour.

 

[phase_dancer]

Veloxidex; from your posts here, I would hasten to guess that you are likely to be someone who makes very well informed choices and who probably also takes adequate measures to ensure minimal all round consequences from any drug use.

In this respect I think your mother is in a very rare and fortunate position; to learn from someone close who has in her eyes obviously demonstrated good personal management skills in other areas of life. Whatever these are I can't say, but I will say that you're very well informed on MDMA pharmacology.

I guess all mothers like to think they can offer a word of wisdom to help out if needed, and for many the term "user" is often only relatable to abuser. As apollo mentioned, time will likely heal all. My advice is to try and keep the subject open by initiating conversation. Some of the topics you post here could be broken down and explained in simpler terms, thereby demonstrating your ability to understand the science and therefore choose appropriately what you take, how much and how often.

As for the betrayers. I'd let them go, but tell them straight up if you know. Just leave on a pleasant note. Perhaps you could even thank them for opening mums eyes. Privacy has obviously been breached, but it's reduced to mere embarrassment on the part of the perpetrators if you show you never actually had anything to hide. It then stands out only for what it is -rudeness and dishonesty, and those qualities fade from memory much more gradually.

starlet_girl said: If only there was some way we could all convince our parents to try it for themselves..

If your mum is young and healthy enough you could perhaps broach the subject of trying MDMA or something, but not knowing the many details involved I wouldn't feel it right to consider offering such advice. MDMA is not for everyone, and from experience, a single magical moment of empathy doesn't always reduce parental concern.