TheUltimateFixx
Bluelighter
So, I've been through that more times than I care to remember ; sometimes out of necessity and sometimes from choice.
I was always wondering why going through wd's freaked me the shit out so much when I have experienced actual illness that was worse.
Example, I've been ill with the flu as a boy, by which I don't mean a severe cold (like the term is so often used), but the real influenza which can kill you. I was bedridden for a full 6 weeks, and apart from the involuntary muscle twitches and the restlessness (I felt more steamrollered), I had every symptom you' ll get in a real bad withdrawal and then some (fever - induced hallucinations, BP so low I was crawling on all fours to the loo to be sick). Another example, acute inflammation of the pancreas, which was the worst 10 days of agony I ever experienced in my life, bar none.
Both OBJECTIVELY worse than any withdrawal I ever had, but SUBJECTIVELY withdrawal seemed like nothing else could ever be this bad.
This got me thinking as to why. Came to the conclusion that it's 2 things.
One, what behavioural science calls 'anticipatory anxiety'. Once you've acquired a (physically dependent) habit, every other user you know will start telling you about how you're gonna have to brace yourself for the total hell this is going to be. You mindlessly panic at the first little sniffle which heralds the onset. Once you've had that funfair ride, next time round you worry even more cause now you know what to expect.
The other factor is the knowledge that instant relief is POSSIBLE, just currently out of your reach.
I compare it to the difference of walking through the desert thirsty knowing it'll be another 2 hrs to reach the nearest water - which is brutal but doable because YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTION but to push through the ordeal ; and spending those same 2 hrs sitting right next to the water that could quench your thirst instantly, only armed guards are keeping you from getting to it. Knowing there's the option ; THAT'S what makes it a torture.
The unbearable gets bearable whenever you know that there's simply no choice but to see it through.
So that one time I decided to take myself off cold, I went camping for a week. Took along electrolytes to offset the loss during the puking and shitting stage, some painkillers and sedatives to take the worst of the edge off, some trail bars which would provide concentrated energy but not be so sickly - sweet that I wouldn't keep 'em down, and a flask of orange juice for some vit C and the refreshing taste.
I went far enough to not have a phone signal, so I couldn't call a dealer under any circumstances, and far enough that even if I was gonna cave and reverse the attempt and start walking back, I wouldn't make it to civilization in the state I'd be in halfway.
In other words, remove myself from any realistic alternative but to just stick it out.
Obviously most people don't live in a vast expanse of countryside and don't have this opportunity to physically distance themselves.
The point however is that what ultimately helped me was that I was forced to adopt the same mental attitude as I would towards any actual sickness : instead of going into a panic and frantically chasing the instant total remedy, just resign myself to the fact that I can maybe alleviate some symptoms but I WILL feel like shit, so just meet what's to come with resigned annoyance.
I was able to recall this mindset on subsequent occasions and it really helped the subjective distress that I felt, despite me being one of those people whose bodies seem to get sensitized to the process and get it worse every time.
... Sorry if this turned out a bit long and hope it's useful to someone.
I was always wondering why going through wd's freaked me the shit out so much when I have experienced actual illness that was worse.
Example, I've been ill with the flu as a boy, by which I don't mean a severe cold (like the term is so often used), but the real influenza which can kill you. I was bedridden for a full 6 weeks, and apart from the involuntary muscle twitches and the restlessness (I felt more steamrollered), I had every symptom you' ll get in a real bad withdrawal and then some (fever - induced hallucinations, BP so low I was crawling on all fours to the loo to be sick). Another example, acute inflammation of the pancreas, which was the worst 10 days of agony I ever experienced in my life, bar none.
Both OBJECTIVELY worse than any withdrawal I ever had, but SUBJECTIVELY withdrawal seemed like nothing else could ever be this bad.
This got me thinking as to why. Came to the conclusion that it's 2 things.
One, what behavioural science calls 'anticipatory anxiety'. Once you've acquired a (physically dependent) habit, every other user you know will start telling you about how you're gonna have to brace yourself for the total hell this is going to be. You mindlessly panic at the first little sniffle which heralds the onset. Once you've had that funfair ride, next time round you worry even more cause now you know what to expect.
The other factor is the knowledge that instant relief is POSSIBLE, just currently out of your reach.
I compare it to the difference of walking through the desert thirsty knowing it'll be another 2 hrs to reach the nearest water - which is brutal but doable because YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTION but to push through the ordeal ; and spending those same 2 hrs sitting right next to the water that could quench your thirst instantly, only armed guards are keeping you from getting to it. Knowing there's the option ; THAT'S what makes it a torture.
The unbearable gets bearable whenever you know that there's simply no choice but to see it through.
So that one time I decided to take myself off cold, I went camping for a week. Took along electrolytes to offset the loss during the puking and shitting stage, some painkillers and sedatives to take the worst of the edge off, some trail bars which would provide concentrated energy but not be so sickly - sweet that I wouldn't keep 'em down, and a flask of orange juice for some vit C and the refreshing taste.
I went far enough to not have a phone signal, so I couldn't call a dealer under any circumstances, and far enough that even if I was gonna cave and reverse the attempt and start walking back, I wouldn't make it to civilization in the state I'd be in halfway.
In other words, remove myself from any realistic alternative but to just stick it out.
Obviously most people don't live in a vast expanse of countryside and don't have this opportunity to physically distance themselves.
The point however is that what ultimately helped me was that I was forced to adopt the same mental attitude as I would towards any actual sickness : instead of going into a panic and frantically chasing the instant total remedy, just resign myself to the fact that I can maybe alleviate some symptoms but I WILL feel like shit, so just meet what's to come with resigned annoyance.
I was able to recall this mindset on subsequent occasions and it really helped the subjective distress that I felt, despite me being one of those people whose bodies seem to get sensitized to the process and get it worse every time.
... Sorry if this turned out a bit long and hope it's useful to someone.
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), and some benzos. Benzos to either just comfort you throughout the day and sleep at night, or in my case through desperation I'm just going to try and knock myself out completely for a couple of days. Finally, seek as much support as you can possibly get. NA is a pain but bloody hell it helped, you don't have to do the whole 12 step thing, just take advantage of the meetings and do share your experiences. It really helps to talk.
