• Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

Eating disorders support thread v.2

n3ophy7e

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 30, 2006
Messages
28,168
Location
Dex's room
This thread is for support of anyone who is suffering with, or has had an eating disorder.

Please post thoughtfully and sensitively, and please do not post anything which may be triggering to someone who is trying to avoid their eating disorder.
Triggering material may include photos of excessively skinny people, explicit discussion of specific weight amounts, excess discussion of food, graphic description of binging/purging behaviour, etc.
The usual TDS rule applies of no general triggering content allowed e.g. violence, self-harm, drugs and/or drug use, including alcohol.

If you feel triggered by any comments or discussion that you read in here please seek professional help and/or talk to a close friend or family member about how you're feeling.

The original ED thread is here.

Together, we can beat this <3
 

littlegirlblue

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
91
Location
NW
Poppin' V.2's BL Cherry... LOVE some advice guys.

Since my grandfather passed away last week, I have had to live with the twin evils of having my eating monitored at each meal by the gathered family as well as being told by everyone how much "better" I look. Even my father's mother, one of the smartest people I know, told me, "Skinny looks so attractive on you." She knows about my time in the ED unit. She knows slow death by starvation is an attractive concept to me. Why the hell would she say something like that?! In addition, because I HAD to eat to keep people off my case, and I only got to purge about a third of the time I feel so very gross. I know you other ED sufferers know what I mean. I am just REPULSED by myself. I have an exhilarating long distance crush currently and all I can think is that he would see me in person and run screaming from how hideous my body is.

I am literally crying now I am so scared and horrified. I hate this shit.
 

Ixchellian

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 1, 2010
Messages
1,184
Location
Sheen's Torpedo Room
actually *wanting* to eat, but absolutely not being able to, is getting pretty tiresome..... it really feels like my body is falling apart at an accelerated rate. almost makes me wanna go back to junk, just so I don't have to think about it anymore. or maybe i just should, 'cause it's almost like a normal metabolism isn't possible for me. :p

LGB- don't make me have to come put the leashes on yeh. savvy? =D
 

littlegirlblue

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
91
Location
NW
^Doll, a normal metabolism isn't possible for anyone who has starved. You know the opiates will just further mess with your stomach even better than I do. As your attorney I suggest you get some WEED!

As for the daily ED report... It's escalating again. I cried because I had to eat in front of my folks and couldn't get away fast enough to purge before I absorbed calories. Forget that I'm fitting into clothes I have not worn since I was 17, I feel massive. I hate the way food feels in my stomach. I just want to be left alone to starve... Is that asking too much? Apparently it is.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
3,714
Location
Greatest city on Earth
i'm sorry you're both having such a difficult time.

its times like grieving when an ed almost seems like a really good thing, you can use it to block out all the pain. so from that perspective its really positive that you're in a situation where you're forced to eat becuase otherwise you could be deteriorating really badly. i really feel for you because something really horrible has just happened, and as a result of it you've lost all control over something that i imagine (for me this was the case anyway) makes you feel really safe. so you've lost a relation and your safety net.
 

littlegirlblue

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
91
Location
NW
Amen Chinup. Anorexia sure isn't going to up and leave...

i'm sorry you're both having such a difficult time.

its times like grieving when an ed almost seems like a really good thing, you can use it to block out all the pain. so from that perspective its really positive that you're in a situation where you're forced to eat becuase otherwise you could be deteriorating really badly. i really feel for you because something really horrible has just happened, and as a result of it you've lost all control over something that i imagine (for me this was the case anyway) makes you feel really safe. so you've lost a relation and your safety net.
ED's are so very good at appearing to be a constant in an ever changing world...Anorexia won't disappointment, abandon me or pass away. Why is it that as soon as I try to get back into counseling, the more I cling to this?
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
3,714
Location
Greatest city on Earth
^
i think its the way eds work, they only take hold if you in some sense need what they have to offer. plus i really think they get right into your brain and affect all of your thought processes, like decisions that have nothing to do with food/exercise are affected.

even now i'm disgusted at how apathetic i am when i find myself on the verge of relapse, but because its always when i feel like shit and i know that it'll give my life some meaning and numb me from my emotions i actually kind of want it back. i only start putting effort in once i've already lost a significant amount of weight and my health is being affected and suddenly the prospect of ending up back in hospital starts seeming real. its really dangerous that way though.

tbh i don't think once you've had one you can ever be totally free from an ed. pretty depressing thought.
 

Muddle

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 12, 2010
Messages
121
Location
U.S.
Hm nobody around me understands (Friends and family) I know this, but damn do I despise being around them for the things they say. Once my mother had said "You look even better at your weight now" ...I was 92 pounds. She did not see my pain and suffering, obviously. She did not have a clue and still doesnt about my E.D. At a higher weight my aunt had said "You got some stubby legs dont you" I was very ill of the thought of having stubby legs. If you ever need anyone to talk with, I am here !
 

littlegirlblue

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
91
Location
NW
^I feel ya, Muddle, totally the way my family works. Just goes to show the media had successfully brainwashed us all to believe heroin/coke chic is what is beautiful. As an admitted bi-sexual, the first women I were attracted to were Milla Jovovich and the insanely intellectual red-head from high school *sigh* both were stick skinny... And I like me my drugs, I sure do. But then again, I had ballet to screw with my sense of line and proportion anyway.

I'm really not feeling this involuntary regurgitation, especially when I'm lightheaded as fuck and falling into shit.

Molly love, I'm feeling the smoothie diet.
 

Muddle

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 12, 2010
Messages
121
Location
U.S.
^I feel ya, Muddle, totally the way my family works. Just goes to show the media had successfully brainwashed us all to believe heroin/coke chic is what is beautiful. As an admitted bi-sexual, the first women I were attracted to were Milla Jovovich and the insanely intellectual red-head from high school *sigh* both were stick skinny... And I like me my drugs, I sure do. But then again, I had ballet to screw with my sense of line and proportion anyway.

I'm really not feeling this involuntary regurgitation, especially when I'm lightheaded as fuck and falling into shit.

Molly love, I'm feeling the smoothie diet.
Yeah, I also know watcha mean with what you said. I can control what the number on the scale, maybe not anything else in my life, but that I can control.
 

ghostfreak

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 24, 2009
Messages
1,196
Location
UK
My anxiety seems to stop me eating, I have no interest in even getting a small meal let alone breakfast or lunch. I can go days without eating just drinking either smoothies, coke, or even a cup-a-soup (but this comes late at night), and even with that I resent it sometimes.
 

Ixchellian

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 1, 2010
Messages
1,184
Location
Sheen's Torpedo Room
mmmm smoothies. peanut-butter & banana (Das Goober™) smoothies.... and V8 Fusion smoothies. I think those, my daily multivitamin & protein supplements, and caffeine, are what is keeping my body alive. that and having something to look forward to.

I've decided that my lack-of-appetite is partly the fault of me not wanting to eat with anyone at the dinner table. even if I cook for everyone, then I just stand in the kitchen and eat while everyone else is at thd table...... but I can chow down with a table full of strangers *and* engage them in friendly mealtime conversation.
 

hyroller

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2007
Messages
2,875
Location
Alpaca Terrain
So....I am going through a major trough as far as happiness in life can be measured... everything reinforces the belief that my life could not have turned out any more inadequate than it has over the past 4 years. All there is to be somewhat proud of, at the end of the day, is that my weight is now lower than it has been in about 13 years.

I have mostly done this the healthy way over the past few months, my overall health and actual body shape render me fitter than ever....but this past week has seen me slip into bouts of extreme melancholy, stress & dangerous apathy... and a reversion back toward behaviours of old. Sadly, if I didn't have this to cling to, I would probably be falling apart at the seams. The one thing I know I am expertly capable at practising is a destructive, ED'd lifestyle :\

Sounds odd, but there is nowhere else to seek solace at this point in time... only with my demons :(

Hopefully making a fool of myself by broadcasting all this will prompt me to get a grip and get back to my healthy ways...I really don't want to undo any of the fitness gains I have made by dipping back down into the psychological underworld. My brain just doesn't know of any other route to take :|
 

littlegirlblue

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
91
Location
NW
Feelin' the tone of the board...

Sounds odd, but there is nowhere else to seek solace at this point in time... only with my demons :(
My goodness hyroller, to quote my favorite movie, Secretary, "Well that's a way to put it." Thank you <3
Isn't it ironic that the tyrant that resides in the ED mind is always there, peering over your shoulder when you loose weight, even properly, prompting you to go on? That this spiteful monster within us is our only constant? That we find comfort in the consistency of our own ability to become wrapped up in a world that revolves around image, weight, hope, anxiety, fear...
I really hope that you can return to health after walk this emotional line hyroller, because you deserve your health and happiness...

My anxiety seems to stop me eating, I have no interest in even getting a small meal let alone breakfast or lunch. I can go days without eating just drinking either smoothies, coke, or even a cup-a-soup (but this comes late at night), and even with that I resent it sometimes.
I have the same eating pattern GF. Even right now I'm downing my lunch: Coke Zero and a Luna Bar so I don't pass out. I get so nervous my stomach will ACHE and do nasty things to me. As soon as I am presented with a very stressful situation, BOOM, my stomach is DONE.
Do you happen to smoke weed at night? I know that is what facilitates my late night eating of a piece of bread or 5oz. of lean chicken breast, whatever is simple.
 

ghostfreak

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 24, 2009
Messages
1,196
Location
UK
@littlegirlblue

If I can get my hands on some I can but I'm on Mitrazapine and it tends to knock me out before I even have a chance to eat but I don't seem to be bothered much by it.

I can relate to the nervousness making my stomach sore as it was aching today so I had a cup-a-soup when I got home as I don't feel or even want a meal in the evenings.

Have also downloaded an app for the Touch that tracks calories taken in during a day and it's been around the 500 mark today. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
3,714
Location
Greatest city on Earth
i think thats what caused my downfall, i was so stressed i wasn't hungry. i could actually get full up by just considering eating a kiwi. and how on earth can you convince yourself to eat when a) you really don't want to and b) as you're not hungry, your body doesn't need food? i hate my brain for taking away my appetite, it nearly ruined my life. for the most part i've got it back now so there is some hope...
 

Ixchellian

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 1, 2010
Messages
1,184
Location
Sheen's Torpedo Room
For what it's worth..... drinking genuine ginger-beer (not alcoholic!... or weak ginger-ale), eating a few pieces of crystallized ginger does wonders for a queasy/nervous stomach.... and motion-sickness!

I used to puke (more like dry-heave) really for no reason other than i felt nauseous because my stomach just decided to. But since I've started eating a lot of ginger, the nausea component of my ED has vanished.

(note: the anti-nausea meds used for my stepdad's chemo is derived from ginger. go figure :) )
 

littlegirlblue

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
91
Location
NW
I think I've kept the Ginger People in business on my own...

For what it's worth..... drinking genuine ginger-beer (not alcoholic!... or weak ginger-ale), eating a few pieces of crystallized ginger does wonders for a queasy/nervous stomach.... and motion-sickness!

I used to puke (more like dry-heave) really for no reason other than i felt nauseous because my stomach just decided to. But since I've started eating a lot of ginger, the nausea component of my ED has vanished.

(note: the anti-nausea meds used for my stepdad's chemo is derived from ginger. go figure :) )
Or even better, beverage of the GODS!

http://blenheimshrine.com/Blenheim shrine - Hot as.html

If I were rich I would ship it up from the south more often...fuckin' expensive to ship all those glass bottles filled with PURE GOLD. I'm down to two bottles out of 24 that were ordered for me for Christmas last year... And yeah, it DOES help my tummy. I love ginger tea, candy, etc. The hotter the bite, the happier I am!
 

ghostfreak

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 24, 2009
Messages
1,196
Location
UK
I'm so anxious and nervous today I can't eat at all, only a bottle of water sitting beside me in work that I sip from is all I can take. Hopefully I'll feel a bit better when I get home.
 

tremours

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 26, 2010
Messages
1,384
lately ive been able to restrict myself to one meal a day. I still want to fast though cause it seems like im not getting anywhere. With this diet. Im not realy sure i want to go back to counting calories though. Maybe ill just go back to my candy diet, as stupid as that sounds all i hate was gummi candies and i never gained any wieght. I do think i was pretty unhealthy though. walking around throwing up bile is usualy not a good sign. It was an easy diet to stick to though
 
Top