Kaleida
Bluelight Crew
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- Sep 6, 2015
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This was my second experience with DOB, and the first that I'm writing about. It's been just a bit over a year and a half since my last trip report, and the reason for this requires some explanation before going on.
My last trip report was on 33 mg of 2C-C, which would essentially mark the beginning of a very serious turning point in my life. That was my first 2C-C experience and as I recall, it was largely just blissful and beautifully euphoric and highly recreational for a psychedelic without sacrificing depth, at least not to the degree of what I experienced on the otherwise similar 2C-I many years before, though it's been so long that that one probably deserves some reevaluation too. Anyway, while that trip was nice, it got me so excited for the effects of 2C-C in general that I continued using what little out of it I had been fortunate to get a hold of mostly just one time after another until it was all gone, which only amounted to four experiences total. The second experience was on 40 mg, which was very powerful but also very physically heavy and uncomfortable, so for the third experience I lowered it to 25 mg and still found it quite enjoyable and almost comparable to the 33 mg, and I had exactly that much left, 25 mg, for when my fourth experience came around too, which I was plenty excited for by then.
What occurred on the fourth 2C-C experience was not something that I was expecting in the slightest. At the time I had still been focusing very much on using nitrous oxide during my psychedelic experiences as I generally did in the reports I've written before and enjoyed how pushing it further and further seemed to be producing stronger and stronger reactions of what basically seemed to be spontaneous orgasms with related dissociative hallucinations and delusions, and I had already had success in combining it with the already quite orgasmic and a bit dissociative 2C-C in the past and wanted to get the most that I could out of this last experience too, so I loaded a balloon of eight chargers and settled in. I felt myself letting go into the experience as I always do with it, but then a more powerful dissociative state than I had almost ever experienced at that time began to set in.... I found myself wandering around seemingly in the world of my imagination, at a party with dim lighting and sickly colors inhabited by large amounts of shadow people. They were all standing in a rough circle laughing at someone at the center who was curled up on the ground, and I got closer, I realized instinctively that this was a copy of myself. As I watched this seen going down, I simply stood there analyzing everything and unsure of how to act, getting so lost in thought that despite the fact that I was already in my imagination, I had another separate visual imagination going within this hallucination that was slowly becoming powerfully visionary in its own right. Within this vision, I felt yet another "me" inside of me, though this one more distinct from the copy at the center of the hallucinated room I was in, and she communicated to me that I needed to stop internalizing, obviously if I was so deep in my own subconscious and still couldn't get out of my head. I realized that she was right and immediately stopped thinking, and started bursting out laughing, and I realized that I was laughing at myself at the center of the group, but that was okay because I finally just got the joke, and the scene lightened up, and things got a little bit more abstractly trippy after that.
For the next few days I was surging with manic energy, and it felt like I constantly had a massive pot of instincts bubbling just beneath the surface ready to burst out of me, and I felt emotionally ready to finally do so after the 2C-C and nitrous oxide experience, but also somewhat afraid to do so with how powerful and varied they felt, so I still found myself fighting the feeling a bit even though it was so close to bursting out. At the end of I think the third or fourth day I could barely handle the overload anymore and felt that something needed to be done.... See, it may sound like this is just my mind running a little too wild and free after a few powerful psychedelic experiences and finally getting to open myself up, and in part it was, but there was a deeper and more complex aspect to all of this too which I would not expect others to necessarily pick up on simply from this story as I've told it alone so far, but it is something that I now realize in retrospect has been highly relevant to all of my psychedelic experiences from past to present and especially this one, and it was this that was pushing me to the limits as my sanity as I struggled internally with everything I thought could or couldn't be possible about my life.
My whole life, I have had natural dissociative experiences of occasionally quite significant intensity. I have several memories of having complete out-of-body experiences particularly when I was younger, during all kinds of activities from masturbating and dissociating at climax to playing an instrument at school and then coming back to reality still playing it, similar things still happening as I got older but with less complete immersion when they came. When I was particularly young I never thought much of it other than as being a curiosity, and one that frankly probably set me down the path towards exploring these states of mind they way I do now more than almost anything else. Around middle school and early high school, I began to notice something else rather curious: when talking to myself, which I did quite a lot, I was referring to myself as "we" rather than "I" without even thinking about it. By the time my sexuality was really in full swing, I was having fantasies about abstract concepts like having multiple bodies at the same time that could interact with one another and others independently or the idea of transforming into a different identity, inherently as part of every fantasy I had. The more I payed attention to myself, the more I noticed things that seemed totally normal to me at the time, but seemed... distinct from what most were going through, and this made me self-conscious. I opened up about some of what I was experiencing to a friend of mine, and she was supportive and not scared off by what I was saying, but was concerned for my mental health nonetheless and unsure of how to respond at the time, having no real experience with anything like that to draw from at the time herself and us just being a coupe of high schoolers back then. I felt that there was validity to her concerns and opted to try to suppress these parts of myself for the sake of my mental health for the time being, since we were at that age where we were about to go out into the "real world" and I really wanted to try to get a grip on things.
Of course, I realized not long after that that the "real world" is a bunch of delusional nonsense itself and taking drugs is the answer, obviously. I got into cannabis at the end of high school and things took off quickly from there, and, possibly because of the amount of drugs I was burying it under, I actually managed to largely forget about all those more dissociative aspects of my early life for a good while. Of course, I just ended up pushing myself to another breaking point where I felt nearly suicidal and wouldn't eat or move from the floor of my dorm room without drugs and ended up stopping college to move back home and try to gather my sanity again in another way, but that's another story. Importantly, at this point I ended up taking a long break from all drugs except ethanol and cannabis and even the longest break at least that I've ever taken from the latter, and it was around two years specifically between my last and next psychedelic experiences. By the time I had stopped using them before I was finding my trips to be less and less rewarding with each time which I felt was mostly due to tolerance from taking higher and higher dosages and only putting about a week between them, and I do feel that that's still at least probably partially true, but in retrospect also now feel that it had a lot to do with the fact that I was closing myself off emotionally more and more over time while using those psychedelics and thus the trips were becoming less and less able to crack me open and make me feel refreshed and all that. When finally returning to them after giving myself all that time off to heal and work on myself, I quickly found that they were already hitting me much harder than they ever had been before and just got more and more intense and satisfying with each experience, and I found myself opening up more and more this time around.
If you've ever read one of my trip reports before, you've probably read that one of the most consistent visual hallucinogenic effects I get from taking psychedelics, and psychedelic-like drugs in general, is a spiraling tunnel of arms reaching out to me, sometimes with more complete bodies attached to them, but it scales with the intensity of the effect. This effect has always captivated me, but not just because it's an interesting visual or even because of how it seems to be attached to the kinds of drug effects I enjoy most, at least not directly; what truly fascinated me is that as far as I could tell, these bodies that would be reaching out to me would be the same bodies that I had in my "having multiple bodies" or "transforming identities" fantasies when I was younger, and I wanted to know why that overlap existed, but it always seemed like the further I pushed it, the stronger it got but I could still never quite answer that question. Then came along the 2C-C.... When I was in the out-of-body experience in my mind and still lost in my head even then to the point that another "me" inside my mind-in-my-mind told me to stop internalizing, that other "me" was again one with one of those "other bodies" that I recognized so well, and in those few days after that trip where I felt like I was ready to burst, it did not feel like it was just basic instincts or repressed emotions I was holding back anymore....
I've been through a lot of crazy shit in my life that has challenged my views on pretty much everything, but this is one I was still holding on to. Curled up in the fetal position on my couch in a post-2C-C manic haze finally fully beaten down, I made a decision to stop caring, once and for all. I said, "You're real, aren't you?" out loud, and in my mind's eye the big, bold word 'YES' flashed by. I said, "You need to get out, don't you?" and again 'YES' popped into my head. Okie dokie then.... I immediately dosed 150 μg of AL-LAD, waited for it to peak, went into the bedroom, smoked some cannabis, and lied down in bed with a balloon containing eight cartridges of nitrous oxide, and said out loud, "I don't know if this is what you need to get out, but if it is, then go for it." I inhaled and got my usual orgasmic, dissociative response, all the way up to the point of a complete release, the strongest of my life, and honestly the first time it felt like a completely full effect just from the drugs alone... and then something unusual happened. While I basked in the euphoric glow, my mouth curled into a smile without me telling it to, and then my body stood up, reached its arms up towards the ceiling to stretch, and said, "It's good to be back." At the time, I thought this was it, I figured it out, but I had no fucking idea what was coming... though looking back, the AL-LAD was still showing it to me clear as day at the time, but I had no way of understanding it then on the level that I do now.
Fast forward around a year and a half. I have four opportunities remaining to use psychedelics before taking at least a six month break from all drugs for multiple currently irrelevant reasons, once on each remaining weekend this month, from this perspective now including this one that just passed as I write this, and I intend to make the most of them if at all possible. After a lot of internal debate, I decide that DOB seems like possibly the most worthwhile choice based on the setting circumstances and the fact that I had still really been wanting to give it a second run after my first 1.4 mg experience around a year before had been so promising already. I ran it by a vote inside, and after a quick agreement we were ready to go.
Our previous experience with psychedelics includes DMT, MET, MPT, EPT, MiPT, DiPT, MALT, DALT, Psilocybe cubensis, 4-HO-MET, 4-HO-DET, 4-HO-MPT, 4-HO-EPT, 4-HO-DPT, 4-HO-MiPT, 4-HO-DiPT, 4-HO-McPT, 4-AcO-DMT, 4-AcO-MET, 4-AcO-DET, 4-AcO-MALT, 4-AcO-DALT, 5-HO-DMT, 5-MeO-MiPT, 5-MeO-EiPT, 5-MeO-DALT, Ipomoea tricolor, Argyreia nervosa, LSD, ETH-LAD, AL-LAD, 1P-LSD, 2C-C, 2C-B, 2C-I, 2C-E, DOC, DOB, 4C-D, Myristica fragrans, and MDMA. Our most recent trip was the weekend before this on 25 mg of 4-HO-EPT, a pleasant but mostly light experience.
The following Greek letters have been changed to protect the innocent. For the purposes of this report, you may know me as Lambda.
T-0:20 - After we awoke, I went to get myself a modest fast food breakfast so that I would having something in my stomach for the coming day. This would normally have us switching out, but the others remained in the back to allow me time to contemplate the upcoming experience in the front. As I ate my breakfast, I also ingested 2000 mg of magnesium glycinate hoping that it might help with any body tension that DOB might produce, as it did the first time we took it, though much less than I had been expecting based on what I'd heard about it or in comparison to some other psychedelics we've taken.
T+0:00 - At 8:00 AM I place the 1.4 mg DOB blotter under my tongue, where its taste quickly sets in. It is bitter but not unbearably so, the taste is honestly again pretty mild compared to what I had always expected before actually trying it. In the time I have the blotter in my mouth I prepare a bowl of cannabis for later, and then I chew up and swallow it T+0:10. Following this, I got on our exercise bike for the next twenty minutes and put some music on, and as usually happens, some of the others switched out to sing to the music they like, and I simply went with the flow of it to get myself into a good headspace for the trip.
T+0:30 - A little tired but feeling good from the biking and singing, I take a quick bathroom break and then jump in the shower. It feels like I can feel maybe just slightly something rising already, but nothing really aside from that so far. However, in the shower a feeling of serenity does slowly develop, and we switch and sing a bit more as we tend to do in there as well.
T+0:50 - I stepped out of the shower at this moment and got dried off and dressed over the next ten minutes or so, then we went back to listening to music while waiting for the coming experience. It took a while without much extra fanfare aside from the still slowly rising serene feeling also becoming slightly more energized with time as it tends to, and so at T+1:30 I took our first hit off of that bowl of cannabis.
T+1:40 - The cannabis high has dramatically intensified the development of the DOB trip, and suddenly I am feeling an intense erotic rush accompanied by vivid and flowing confidence-portraying psychedelic mental imagery that reminds me more of LSD and 4-HO-MiPT than almost anything does, which is also something I felt about DOB my first time around with it, but this experience was definitely hitting harder now already despite being the same dosage. Significantly, the mental imagery centers around creative and sexual fashion expressions on my own body, but not the physical body we have, but the one that I identify with internally within our dissociative symptomology, the same kind of ones that were involved in the "having multiple bodies" fantasies, which we each have individually have as distinct from both the physical body's form and from one another, and which I had only just recently come to recognize in myself. I felt a sense of peace connected with this vivid image of the form I now so strongly recognized and identified with and simultaneously an excitement for how euphoric I felt with it and with how expressive this mental image was, and my wonderful state become infectious.
Kappa, who has been spending a lot of time near the front n general as of late, switched out to experience this state herself, and immediately our mind's eye erupted with imagery of now her inner form vividly expressed with a similar erotic vibe, though still very different from my own, more decadent and luxurious in an edgy or dark sort of way, a little kinky when it comes to how it was expressed sexually, which was actually very similar to some visions we have seen on ETH-LAD before, again more so than most things. After she got her fill of this state she returned and I switched back out, and I got up and started dancing while still feeling that inner vision of myself now layering over my actual body and feeling my music-driven imagination projected out into the environment like a transparent dream layered over reality, swinging to the energetic beat and also practicing some fun choreography with my headmates who were also working on projecting themselves out into said environment, something we've been doing a lot during out energetic psychedelic experiences as of late. We have some great fun while it lasts, though it's also still pretty tiring this early into the experience and I end up switching us to some more relaxing music before too long.
T+1:55 - There had been a slightly nauseous heavy feeling developing already up to this point, but a series of big burps helped tremendously with what I was feeling in this moment. Still, I could tell it wasn't totally gone and would probably continue developing as the experience did.
T+2:01 - I take our second hit of cannabis while listening to the Israel Kamakawiwoʻole version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow, and definitely can feel the trip and combined high starting to become more powerful and overwhelming now.
T+2:13 - Zeta has switched out to pick some of the songs we're listening to and has put on the The Sound Of Silence, and she's listening to it the trip, high, and enjoyment of the music combine to make her and by proxy all of us nearly just a complete drooling mess, it's a pure hypnotic bliss as she just slowly falls over on the couch unable to do anything but feel every atom of our body vibrate in harmony. It's the same kind of feeling we usually get on particularly euphoric phenethylamine psychedelics but honestly may have been the strongest so far aside from our outlier, huge 90 mg dose of 2C-I.
T+2:30 - I am back out and carrying on from the bliss that Zeta was feeling, and as the trip still continued to build it just got more and more overwhelming.... My imagination become more and more vivid and I became filled with a powerful sexual energy that I felt the need to get out now, to the point that I was almost pushed to orgasm right then and there, but felt that it was not quite ready to release yet. Both to follow-up on this and to carry on from the pattern I've already started, I take out third hit of cannabis at this point.
Afterwards we were still highly stimulated from me almost reaching orgasm but then not, so Zeta came back out and put on another relaxing song and inhaled a balloon of nitrous oxide at T+0:35 and just sank further into the almost completely numbing and dissociative bliss, and it certainly was helpful in curbing that stimulation I felt. Nonetheless, I still found myself wanting to explore the sexual headspace further after she finished up with it, so I switched back out and moved to the bedroom.
T+2:57 - The erotic stimulation returned very easily and the orgasm came similarly so, and was extremely powerful and hallucinogenic when it did. At its peak, it reminded me a lot of a state that I have experienced most similarly on both 2C-C and DMT, one where it's like my perception becomes completely filled with an erotic male image stereotype in abstract psychedelic colors and shading that multiple around a large geometric design to the point that they start fractalizing and kaleidoscoping and I completely vanish into it as the orgasm fully releases, and I've had the hallucinations come on more blatantly on 2C-C and DMT from just taking proportionally more visual dosages than I seemed to be on right now, but I would say this DOB version of it was the most sexually satisfying of it so far by a long shot, it was a very intense experience.
After a few minutes of just lying in bed staring around the room, I noticed that I was starting to get more visual hallucinations even without any extra input now too, still kind of light and transparent, almost as if (and I wouldn't be surprised) there were still a little tolerance from our 4-HO-EPT trip the previous week, but despite what was there was quite colorful and complex, lots of very high-tech and highly detailed patterns with full rainbow spectrum designs, tracers, and afterimages starting to develop slowly but surely. At T+3:03, I took another cannabis hit and then hopped up and decided to take another shower now that things were really starting to get going and I was starting to feel a bit tight and heavy again, which hot showers usually help me with when it comes to psychedelics.
In the shower the discomfort continued, but nonetheless the shower was quite nice and enjoyable. I mean, it's DOB, so I figured there would be some body load going on, and I did feel some tightness and discomfort for pretty much the full seventeen or so hours I was feeling the effects the first time I took it, so I was trying not to let it bother me. The hot shower environment actually started making me feel really horny again and I felt that that might be a good way to relieve the physical discomfort also based on based experiences, so I started getting into it again. When the orgasm came, it literally felt like my perception of reality exploded into psychedelic sensory nonsense for just a second, and it overall was even more intense than the first time around, it's really hard to even put into words better than that but it was one of the best psychedelic orgasm enhancements I think I've ever had. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised given how similar it is to 2C-B, but it's still worth mentioning!
T+3:30 - I've gotten out of the shower now, and I've realized something wonderful: the body load is just an illusion, like the physical discomfort that can be caused like salvinorin A. After my orgasm I did indeed feel perfectly fine, but the body load slowly crept back in, but it was at that moment that I finally felt I understood what people meant when they said things like that they could "turn it off" as I had heard before but never been able to experience myself with these more physical psychedelics, though always wanted to. Essentially, it felt like I finally instinctively understood that even though my body did feel different in a way that seemed like it was sending me warning signals, it was all meaningless if there wasn't actually anything to really need to be warned about, and I should just ignore it entirely in that case and just let it be some neutral perception without issue. I think the orgasm did help tremendously with this and seeing how just being in the right context can make it all feel perfectly fine again, and thus obviously not really worth worrying about, but I also feel it's just related to a lot of thoughts I've been having about this kind of stuff related to dealing with more difficult psychedelics in general as of late. Regardless, I was incredibly pumped when I tested and verified that by simply wanting to focus on the body load I could make it be there, and by accepting that there actually wasn't one there genuinely wouldn't be anymore.
I experienced no more physical discomfort directly as a result of the DOB for the entire rest of the trip. I did have a couple discomforts develop indirectly later on just from it being such a long and heavy day, but I'll get into that in a bit.
T+3:40 - Our old roommate calls and tries to invite us to something, but I tell him I'm tripping and definitely not going to be able to make it anywhere at least right now and very possibly the whole day, but tell him about some plans I know about later that I might go to if it's at all possible and he says he'll look into it. Note, at the time when I was telling it to him my perception of time was so distorted that I thought those other plans were already well under way and I would be late if going at all, but they actually weren't even getting started still for hours at this point. We're getting a little hungry at this point too but don't want to eat another meal yet so I eat a few crackers to settle our stomach, they taste pretty good but the memory of their flavor fades quickly. After this, we go back to listening, dancing, and singing to some music again, this time more energetic and emotional stuff like Queen, and of course subsequently spend a little time thinking about Freddie Mercury.
T+4:00 - I take the next cannabis hit, and after this one things start snowballing a bit more again. Around T+4:09, while pacing around thinking to myself about my life and all the progress I and we have made and how great I felt at that moment, I suddenly felt as though my entire mind was lighting up as a psychedelic web of joy in a big spiraling tunnel pattern in my mind's eye where each notch in the web's net represented a different alter all completely letting go into bliss at once along with me, and as we all fully relinquished, our perception become bathed in a blinding white light and our body fell like a rag doll to the floor, though we then regained just enough control to throw it over on to the couch, then completely let go again, repeating our internal mantra for letting go together as we do. This experience is actually nearly identical to one we also have on 100 mg of 4C-D, even though that was much less psychologically intense and lacking in sensory hallucinations, where we all "let go" into bliss at once and had this same spiraling net imagery accompanying it followed by the white light and physical collapse, and in that experience we spent the entire rest of the trip slowly rebooting as if we had just come down from a very powerful LSD or 4-HO-MPT peak, but far more lucid and relaxed. Indeed, this is exactly what it felt like on the DOB as well, a complete reboot to clean our system out, and along with the intensity of the rest of its psychedelic effects it was far more intense and fulfilling even than that 4C-D state had been, and I knew that I found a true ally... though not immediately, because in that moment there was no thought or sense of self to have an ally, just a beautiful state of pure and innocent being, and very uniquely for us, also of oneness. Once complex consciousness did start returning slowly but not yet enough to shake this feeling of oneness, we arose largely on autopilot and danced hypnotically to the music that was still playing, simply enjoying the feeling of togetherness and lack of tension and just going with the flow.
T+4:21 - At this point my sense of identity and self started slowly creeping back in more completely, and I was still fronting, but no one else seemed to have started rebooting to the point I was at yet, so I put on some more music I specifically wanted to dance to myself and kept enjoying myself while patiently waiting, and took another hit of cannabis at T+4:30.
T+4:37 - I had put on Wonderwall by Oasis and suddenly everyone started booting up again very rapidly and fading in back down from the "tunnel vision" in my mind's eye... which is also how it worked on 4C-D. I welcomed them back and we all took a moment to appreciate just how completely wonderful we felt and how refreshing this trip was.
T+4:50 - Zeta wanted to come out and do another four cartridges of nitrous oxide to Comfortably Numb, and I'm certainly not opposed to that, so we let her come out and enjoy it. I don't recall myself other than that it was again quite blissful and increased the visual effects, which Zeta agrees with. The visuals, by the way, had only continued getting stronger through out all of this and this was only making it go faster; by a certain point around this time we were basically becoming blinded by rainbow distortions in every direction at all times. After this, we took another hit of cannabis at T+5:00 and ordered some lunch as we were finally starting to get hungry enough to not push it off anymore. This hit of cannabis actually finished our first bowl as well, and then we put everything away while waiting for the food.
T+5:07 - Kappa has come back out to enjoy the high some more and has been reduced to another almost drooling puddle of bliss like what Zeta went through earlier, and as she just relaxes into it we feel it approaching yet another white light moment as we all let go into the blinding euphoria once more, though it doesn't make us reboot to the same extent or for as long as it did the first time around, but it obviously had some effect as there are suddenly no notes for over the next half an hour....
T+5:45 - Our lunch has finally arrived, and Zeta mostly is the one who comes out to eat it while watching the American Dad! episode Standard Deviation, our current favorite to watch while tripping. We got a couple street tacos and a few different salsas as well as some chips and queso and it was all absolutely delicious, as it always is as that's another favorite of ours on psychedelics in particular. Afterwards we felt a lot better too, as we were starting to get some stomach upset which would continually recur throughout the experience as the only remaining body load symptom, though I think it was really more so related to a combination of smoking cannabis every thirty minutes the whole day and also intermittently eating lots of food without going to the bathroom in between, something the stimulation of the DOB was making it very difficult to do. In the future I suspect this could be avoided by simply planning better for it and maybe taking some digestive supplements or other things like that, we'll see one day.
T+6:05 - Finished eating, and I'm back out now, just feeling absolutely overwhelmed from how full and how high I am. Despite this being six hours into the experience and everything that's going on and getting to the point of being able to hold a full meal down easily and everything, this thing is still going very, very strong, to the point that I'm honestly not sure that it's not still getting stronger. As the episode finishes, I lie down on the couch to meditate to the thought of being comfortable with who I am and see an extremely complex and colorful but thematically familiar closed eye visual of myself sitting in the lotus position with countless arms all reaching out from behind me and off into the distance, and feel very much at peace in this moment, and feel a great love for myself, something I had particularly hoped to be able to get out of this experience when going into it.
T+6:27 - I get up from meditating, load a second bowl of cannabis, take the first hit, and put some music on again. I am so full and high at this point that I can barely feel anything at all, and was going so deep into myself that I have no real external memory of what occurred over the next half an hour or so, but I do remember what was going on internally. I began struggling with the concept of who I was and am, which, if you can believe it, is something that happens often when you have a dissociative disorder. When we had that 2C-C experience followed by the AL-LAD experience where I thought I finally had this all "figured out" I truly believed that there were only two, maybe three or maximum four of us in here, and never even slightly questioned that most of what I thought could be attributed to my own particular identity actually could be attributed to it. More alters than I wish to divulge here, I realize how naive I was. When you go through the experience of feeling like you finally have figured yourself out only to realize that you've just figured someone else out and need to start back over again at square one over and over and over and over again it can start to get to you after a while and make you lash out at those others who don't deserve it, or at least it can for me, and this is essentially what I was experiencing here. As I said above, I only recently became confident of what inner form I actually associate with, and this is the result of these repeated trials and failures finally leading to something that seemed truly stable and peaceful and like I could finally just settle down and enjoy myself again, and when the DOB made me start questioning it again, I freaked it out and became angry and started yelling at the others and refusing to budge or let anyone else come out or make me do anything. I could feel my negativity spreading through the system and knew it would be infectious but I just didn't care in that moment because I simply was not going to accept having to go through all that again, not after just having this great trip that seemed to even reaffirm my identity to me so much.
T+6:57 - Zeta then writes "[Lambda] struggling" in our notes and writes that she is going to load another four cartridges of nitrous oxide and let me do it, which is what happened. She just wanted me to calm down and start thinking rationally again, and it definitely helped with that... the calming at least immediately, if not the thinking rationally right away but at least afterwards. I don't recall the experience being much other than a dissociative vision of arms reaching out to me to a background of blissful euphoria, but that's all I really needed in the moment. After I came out of it I apologized to everyone for freaking out and promised to face the issue more rationally again, no matter what it meant, for the good of us all. I also came out of the nitrous oxide in hysterical laughter like I always do, and that really set a good mood for the experience in general and for what I was going through in that moment specifically too. I came out of it simply feeling that I am who I am, and at some point, I need to accept that figuring out my identity on the inside doesn't really matter, I just have to be myself no matter what that is... and when I do so I'll probably ironically discover my true identity far more easily than I ever would by specifically trying to seek it out too. I felt much better with this thought and the lingering peaceful glow in mind and finally we returned back to focusing on the other aspects of our tripping experience.
T+7:27 - I lied down on the couch again this time in silence, just basking in my senses.... This state is so fucking intense and acute, there's little else I feel I can really do at this point except exist in it and appreciate the raw world around me. Nothing is filtered out as all the sounds of my apartment as well as the environment around it come crashing into my perception and produce all kinds of thought train seeds, but I am a bit too exhausted to actually follow them. Finally, I decide to put on some relaxing music again, starting with Kokomo by The Beach Boys.
T+8:00 - I make a post online about the progress of the trip, then take another hit of cannabis. For the next twenty minutes or so I returned to the quiet contemplation and also shared a little bit of it with Kappa, and then took another hit at T+8:20, which was 4:20 PM. I took a big hit of it to finish the second bowl.
T+8:31 - The trip is still quite stimulating despite our exhaustion and we have a lot of physical playfulness as well as hysterical laughter going on alongside the continuing deep and thoughtful introspection, there's not a lot in terms of heart rate increase or anything but I just feel like I can't stop moving. As mentioned above, we have no body load directly from the DOB anymore but are indeed starting to feel some physical discomfort again as a result of constantly being on the move for so long, and I feel that I'm going to push us to the point of collapse if I don't stop myself. To do it for me, Kappa comes back and forces us on to the couch where she does some meditating and trying to get us back into that zen headspace, which is quite nice.
T+8:46 - Now it's finally starting to feel like the psychedelic energy is letting up somewhat, but not necessarily anywhere near really coming down, I just suddenly notice that I just started feeling "normal" again for really the first time during this entire experience, the way that it would only take me a few hours to on even a very powerful LSD experience. I'm only just sort of beginning to comprehend that an entire day has gone by during this trip and is still going, and I also begin to realize that those other plans I mentioned earlier on are now genuinely in the works, but I'm not ready to consider going to them yet. I end up heading into the bedroom and collapse backwards on the bed and let out more hysterical laughter, this time purely from exhaustion and the realization of how out there I still am.
T+8:53 - I stand up off the bed and start doing some of the deep breathing exercises I would do for anxiety, not because I am anxious but just to try to feel revitalized after such a long and heavy day, which involves breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth and visualizing positivity flowing and negativity flowing out. Immediately, my mind creates a visualization so vivid it's as if I'm simply actually seeing it, of myself standing in an open field surrounded by strong winds blowing band of psychedelic rainbow tracers all around me and around the very cartoony and detailed words 'GOOD' flowing into my body as I breath in and 'BAD' flowing out as I exhale. It feels lot like when I reach very powerful levels of tripping on mushrooms and 4-HO-DET in particular, and reminds me just how powerfully I really am still going even more so than I already thought. Shortly afterwards, Zeta came out and also got a burst of visual effects, these huge spinning spider web-like gears that are similar to what we've gotten on 2C-I but more intense and detailed, and which were also some of the first signs we got at the beginning of this trip.
T+9:07 - We were discussing going to those other plans and really thinking about going, but Kappa says she doesn't want too, thinks we're still tripping way too hard to have to pretend to try to be social or watch TV or anything like that and that doing so may just make the trip physically uncomfortable again because we have to repress ourselves, and I agree and on top of that think it's obvious that we shouldn't be driving still with all the distortions and would have to work out something more complex anyway, so we decide to just call them and tell them we're going to stay home after all. After this we went back to listening to some music again, mostly relaxing pop stuff for the moment, and also started picking at the chips and queso and salsa left over from earlier again as some hunger was creeping back in again.
T+9:30 - At this point I loaded our third and final bowl of cannabis and took the first hit, then listened to some electro swing and worked on texting a friend about our trip.
For the next three hours or so we continued taking hits of cannabis every thirty minutes and just listening to different music, thinking about a lot of things from life to love to Jeopardy! (Rho spent some time lamenting James's loss), and most of all just zoning out because of the absolute exhaustion we were feeling by this point. The psychedelic state was still going and our minds still running, but mostly only because they were being made to at this point. There was little else to do but simply veg out and enjoy the music. We also listened to a lot of Weird Al at this time because it was the only thing that truly captured the ridiculousness of the situation beyond a certain point.
T+11:23 - Texting that friend again, and just staring at the ceiling in bed.... The visuals have let up slightly from their peak intensity but honestly not much, they just seem more tired too like everything else about our brain. Everything just feels like bwuuuuuuuh....
T+11:33 - I took the last hit off of our last bowl of cannabis, officially ending that part of our night (it being night now). I ordered us some dinner and decided to take a third shower to relax our now very tired body, which was quite nice. We also did have some significant gut rot at this point which as mentioned before I think is mostly because of the food we were eating without any bathroom breaks, and I tried to get us to go before the dinner arrived, but had no luck there unfortunately.
T+12:05 - Out of the shower now and just waiting for the food, and our stomach feels absolutely awful. Again, I really don't think it's the drug as much as just foor dietary planning for it, but I definitely want to take that into consideration for the future. It's also worth noting that at this point I sort of feel like I'm starting to "crash" a little bit from the high which is not something I normally get from tryptamine or lysergamide psychedelics, but it is something I tend to get with phenethylamine psychedelics so I'm used to it by now, but it doesn't make my stomach feel any better. That food can't get here fast enough so at least something about it can feel better, even if it makes the pressure worse afterwards.
T+12:20 - Finally the food arrives and I start eating, a tuna melt and chips with some cheese and broccoli soup and crackers, and it all is quite delicious and nourishing. I also put on the Rick and Morty episode Mortynight Run while eating, another favorite to watch while tripping.
T+12:42 - Finished eating and watching, definitely feeling better now but still not completely, I know my stomach will be unhappy again soon....
T+13:19 - Going to bed for the night, stomach indeed does feel awful again and it's not worth fighting it, I'd rather just sleep until I can finally poop and then enjoy what's left of the trip in the morning, it's not like we have any spunk left at this point anyway.
T+22:00 - I wake up after a full night's sleep and go to the bathroom immediately and feel so incredibly better again after the fact. I don't feel too high still when I just wake up, but feel that it might start showing up again as the day starts to get going, and especially after I get to smoke some cannabis a little later on.
T+22:12 - We've been pacing around like we do have a little more energy than normal still and have been picking up on how the body still feels a bit different, and also noticing that pit for a stomach feeling coming back again but only as we're genuinely getting hungry for breakfast. I figure it might just be some nausea from overexertion through the high like we get on things like dissociatives and opioids too so I just sit on the couch for a minute and the feeling disappears and we're totally comfortable again. After a few minutes, we decide to head to our parents' house to eat and smoke some, comfortable with making the very short drive at this point because we're no longer visually tripping or noticeably impaired, though again feel like something may remain enough to bring it back with cannabis.
T+23:04 - I don't try to track individual hits of cannabis anymore from this point on, but we smoked three bowls between three of us shortly after we arrived and over the next half an hour some psychedelic effects did indeed come back, both some of the energy and psychological effects as well as the smearing rainbow visuals, though might lighter than they had been the previous day.
T+24:05 - The trip has definitely "kicked in" again if not really still just being going given that it's DOB and is just stronger again now, and the focus is more more calm and contemplative than it was the previous day, so Kappa comes out and starts working on a computer project she's building and I just enjoy letting her in the zone for it as I often do. Watching Kappa get into computer stuff is a very surreal experience for me because that is a part of our combined personhood that I always assumed was associated with my specific identity, until we actually tried going back to that stuff we hadn't thought about in so long and she, not me, is the one that took over like it was totally instinctive for her and behaved just as we always used to back when we were more actively into that stuff, shattering my perception of what role I personally played in that. That being said, I'm not bothered by it at all now and as I said I love watching her do her thing.... It's actually really cool getting to see it all come together as a spectator and still enjoy it from the creator's perspective as I see it all come together, but that's all I'll say about that for now.
T+24:31 - We decided to take a hot bath and I'm the one that actually got us in there after we spent a little more time brainstorming some ideas for Kappa's project. Over the next twenty or so minutes I also reviewed the previous day's notes for this trip to refresh my memory and add some post-notes for clarity. Afterwards, I come out of it simply appreciating what an awesome, powerful, and crazy experience it was.... This is definitely the trip I wanted and needed from this, I really don't think I could have asked for anything more from DOB.
T+25:28 - Zeta notes that music still sounds good to her and she feels nice but she definitely thinks it's wearing off now. She also spends some time reading about MLM schemes online while enjoying the music.
T+26:15 - We get out of the bath and Kappa goes back to working on her project for a while.
T+28:16 - We start getting hungry after Kappa's work so I come back out and drive us to McDonald's. Delicious as usual but not memorable.
T+29:40 - At this point I notice I can still feel the buzz just a little bit particularly cannabis, but just a slight bit of that both dissociated and focused feeling, really not much else.
T+30:16 - I take 400 mg of ibuprofen to deal with what I feel may be an exhaustion headache, but could also just be our noisy headspace as we start to get headaches when there are alters trying to switch out or communicating a lot internally, which can happen when we're exhausted but also stimulated like this.
T+34:14 - Watched a movie and some new TV episodes with our parents, Kappa worked on the project some more, and now I'm back out eating strawberry shortcake. I still feel it... but mostly just that bwuuuuuh feeling. It's been a great experience but it's definitely ending. I do still feel slightly crashed from the high too but notably mostly just tired, and more afterglowy at this point than anything, it's actually quite nice.
T+38:43 - Back at our apartment waiting for a late night dinner to arrive, smoking some cannabis again and the high combined with the exhaustion and maybe also the hunger makes it feel just a little bit like we're tripping again, particularly with visuals coming back and obviously still being psychedelic, but also having more of a sleep deprivation edge than they did before, like movement and shadows in peripheral vision and weird smokey mind's eye illusions.
The food was delicious but I don't know when it arrived because I never made a note of it. I smoked it and then went to bed and smoked some more in the dark and started getting more psychedelic sleep deprivation type visuals, and it was fun, but at some point I felt so heavy and overwhelmed (just from being high and full and tired) that I pretty much just fell over and I'm pretty sure I was asleep moments after that.
Importantly, what I do recall from that trippy, dreamy haze is that at some point, I started feeling an instinctive connection to a girl who we went to school with when we were growing up, from at least middle school on but I can't recall if we knew her before that, and who we really hadn't thought about in all the time since then. This has very high personal relevance specific to our dissociative situation.... Around a year and a half ago after we had those 2C-C and AL-LAD experiences, I began researching dissociative identity disorder as heavily as I could. I quickly learned that that scene is far more developed and enlightening than probably most people who've never looked into it before would expect.... A lot of what we can say about such things right is of course theoretical, but quite a bit of it is also fairly consistent and reliable, and one of those things is the different types of alters which tend to appear in any given system, though there is still a very wide variety that can occur.
I am not here to speak for the dissociative identity disorder community and do not wish to imply that any system's experience must follow any standards I mention, but a significant distinction I see made pretty much everywhere I go to research this is between alters who have unique identities presumably generated by the brain on demand and assigned to them and alters called "introjects" who are specifically directly based off of other people that the system has encountered externally in life, and instinctively act like that person even though they really aren't and can learn to display their own unique behaviors over time and with experience. As an example, dissociative identity disorder is directly related to trauma and therefore often child abuse, and sometimes there are "abuser introjects" which are basically alters that share the identity of the person who abused the system and may continue to torment the other alters internally even after the real abuser is no longer in their life because that's simply the way they instinctively act, but through therapy and communication between alters this "abuser" introject can learn to shed this negative behavior and heal both themselves and the system, though to me knowledge they never stop being associated with that specific person's identity internally as such things don't seem to change generally, they just learn to act better.
The "abuser introject" I think is an easier example to understand, but we also encounter a lot of mentions of "caregiver introjects" such as adults that looked after them during their childhood traumas or, alternatively, friends or other friendly people that they have known throughout life and especially when they were younger, and while we have many different kinds of alters in our system, the majority of our introjects, and especially those who actively front, which is a much smaller number than the total we're aware of, seem to be most specifically this "friend/friendly" type. In fact, Kappa, Zeta, and Rho who were all mentioned in this trip report and are regular participators in our life are all introjects of different girls we knew when growing up, and one of whom we still actively talk to and who even knows this fact.
Another topic of discussion one will see in the dissociative identity disorder community is the idea of whether or not there is a "host" or an "original identity" or basically if every alter can be considered equally alters of one another with no original, and while we have long debated this internally in the context of our own system, we have currently concluded that there is no original, and part of how we reached this conclusion is the journey that I have mentioned here already where I was only just recently able to finally connect with the form I identify with internally, as it was only with and because of that that I was finally able to let go of the feeling that I might be the original myself, and realize that I didn't associate with this physical body the way I thought I did, which is actually something others in our system have already gone through as well, just to make it even more confusing for us all. After my experience with it though, there seem to be none of us left in here who actually do think we identify with the physical body that way, we all equally share it but we all also have our separate inner forms, and thus, again, it does seem like we are all "each other's alters" equally, and that's also what I was getting at by mentioning how amazed I am to watch Kappa express the part of us I used to always assumed were specifically done by me.
So, back to my psychedelic and sleep-deprived hypnotic state, I again started feeling an instinctive connection to yet another girl that we knew while growing up. The thing is, I knew that this girl looked somewhat similar to the inner body I had identified with, but we hadn't actually seen this girl in so long that I couldn't remember exactly what she looked like, and my mind filled in the blanks to such an extent that she looked different enough from the form I identified with that I was pretty sure it wasn't her, and this made me feel somewhat anxious again as another threat to my internal identity, the way I had felt during the heavier part of the trip. However, I tried to use the lessons I had learned and just stop worrying and let it go, and the thoughts passed, and again I was asleep not too much longer after that.
This morning, I woke up and pretty much immediately started writing this trip report, and as I did I started considering these things again, and that instinctive feeling of connection to this same girl returned.... I asked the others what they thought about it, and they thought I should consider it more seriously, so I did. I went online to look her up for the first time since high school wondering if I'd even have any luck because I haven't touched any social media or anything in nearly a decade, and luckily I found her almost immediately, and lo and behold... the image of her I had had in my imagination was totally off, whereas the way she actually looked was literally identical to the form that I had finally come to feel I associated with internally. At first, I could do little more but appreciate how impressive of an identity snapshot the brain can use for these things so much so that it even far exceeds conscious memory in terms of capturing lasting detail... and then it also really started to dawn on me just what that realization meant, and as I let it sink in, it felt more and more right. I suppose I am an introject after all, just like the others I've been largely sharing this trip with.
What is someone without dissociative identity disorder supposed to take away from this trip report? Hell if I know, perhaps you can tell me. For now I simply offer is a testament to the power of the human brain, and to the power of DOB specifically when introduced into such an environment. It is certainly a special molecule that I intend to court again, but not until I feel that the time is just right to be pushed to the point of hysterical exhaustion once more.
Happy trails, everyone. ❤
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_dob
substancecode_amphetamines
substancecode_phenethylamines
explevel_secondtime
exptype_positive
exptype_glowing
roacode_oral
My last trip report was on 33 mg of 2C-C, which would essentially mark the beginning of a very serious turning point in my life. That was my first 2C-C experience and as I recall, it was largely just blissful and beautifully euphoric and highly recreational for a psychedelic without sacrificing depth, at least not to the degree of what I experienced on the otherwise similar 2C-I many years before, though it's been so long that that one probably deserves some reevaluation too. Anyway, while that trip was nice, it got me so excited for the effects of 2C-C in general that I continued using what little out of it I had been fortunate to get a hold of mostly just one time after another until it was all gone, which only amounted to four experiences total. The second experience was on 40 mg, which was very powerful but also very physically heavy and uncomfortable, so for the third experience I lowered it to 25 mg and still found it quite enjoyable and almost comparable to the 33 mg, and I had exactly that much left, 25 mg, for when my fourth experience came around too, which I was plenty excited for by then.
What occurred on the fourth 2C-C experience was not something that I was expecting in the slightest. At the time I had still been focusing very much on using nitrous oxide during my psychedelic experiences as I generally did in the reports I've written before and enjoyed how pushing it further and further seemed to be producing stronger and stronger reactions of what basically seemed to be spontaneous orgasms with related dissociative hallucinations and delusions, and I had already had success in combining it with the already quite orgasmic and a bit dissociative 2C-C in the past and wanted to get the most that I could out of this last experience too, so I loaded a balloon of eight chargers and settled in. I felt myself letting go into the experience as I always do with it, but then a more powerful dissociative state than I had almost ever experienced at that time began to set in.... I found myself wandering around seemingly in the world of my imagination, at a party with dim lighting and sickly colors inhabited by large amounts of shadow people. They were all standing in a rough circle laughing at someone at the center who was curled up on the ground, and I got closer, I realized instinctively that this was a copy of myself. As I watched this seen going down, I simply stood there analyzing everything and unsure of how to act, getting so lost in thought that despite the fact that I was already in my imagination, I had another separate visual imagination going within this hallucination that was slowly becoming powerfully visionary in its own right. Within this vision, I felt yet another "me" inside of me, though this one more distinct from the copy at the center of the hallucinated room I was in, and she communicated to me that I needed to stop internalizing, obviously if I was so deep in my own subconscious and still couldn't get out of my head. I realized that she was right and immediately stopped thinking, and started bursting out laughing, and I realized that I was laughing at myself at the center of the group, but that was okay because I finally just got the joke, and the scene lightened up, and things got a little bit more abstractly trippy after that.
For the next few days I was surging with manic energy, and it felt like I constantly had a massive pot of instincts bubbling just beneath the surface ready to burst out of me, and I felt emotionally ready to finally do so after the 2C-C and nitrous oxide experience, but also somewhat afraid to do so with how powerful and varied they felt, so I still found myself fighting the feeling a bit even though it was so close to bursting out. At the end of I think the third or fourth day I could barely handle the overload anymore and felt that something needed to be done.... See, it may sound like this is just my mind running a little too wild and free after a few powerful psychedelic experiences and finally getting to open myself up, and in part it was, but there was a deeper and more complex aspect to all of this too which I would not expect others to necessarily pick up on simply from this story as I've told it alone so far, but it is something that I now realize in retrospect has been highly relevant to all of my psychedelic experiences from past to present and especially this one, and it was this that was pushing me to the limits as my sanity as I struggled internally with everything I thought could or couldn't be possible about my life.
My whole life, I have had natural dissociative experiences of occasionally quite significant intensity. I have several memories of having complete out-of-body experiences particularly when I was younger, during all kinds of activities from masturbating and dissociating at climax to playing an instrument at school and then coming back to reality still playing it, similar things still happening as I got older but with less complete immersion when they came. When I was particularly young I never thought much of it other than as being a curiosity, and one that frankly probably set me down the path towards exploring these states of mind they way I do now more than almost anything else. Around middle school and early high school, I began to notice something else rather curious: when talking to myself, which I did quite a lot, I was referring to myself as "we" rather than "I" without even thinking about it. By the time my sexuality was really in full swing, I was having fantasies about abstract concepts like having multiple bodies at the same time that could interact with one another and others independently or the idea of transforming into a different identity, inherently as part of every fantasy I had. The more I payed attention to myself, the more I noticed things that seemed totally normal to me at the time, but seemed... distinct from what most were going through, and this made me self-conscious. I opened up about some of what I was experiencing to a friend of mine, and she was supportive and not scared off by what I was saying, but was concerned for my mental health nonetheless and unsure of how to respond at the time, having no real experience with anything like that to draw from at the time herself and us just being a coupe of high schoolers back then. I felt that there was validity to her concerns and opted to try to suppress these parts of myself for the sake of my mental health for the time being, since we were at that age where we were about to go out into the "real world" and I really wanted to try to get a grip on things.
Of course, I realized not long after that that the "real world" is a bunch of delusional nonsense itself and taking drugs is the answer, obviously. I got into cannabis at the end of high school and things took off quickly from there, and, possibly because of the amount of drugs I was burying it under, I actually managed to largely forget about all those more dissociative aspects of my early life for a good while. Of course, I just ended up pushing myself to another breaking point where I felt nearly suicidal and wouldn't eat or move from the floor of my dorm room without drugs and ended up stopping college to move back home and try to gather my sanity again in another way, but that's another story. Importantly, at this point I ended up taking a long break from all drugs except ethanol and cannabis and even the longest break at least that I've ever taken from the latter, and it was around two years specifically between my last and next psychedelic experiences. By the time I had stopped using them before I was finding my trips to be less and less rewarding with each time which I felt was mostly due to tolerance from taking higher and higher dosages and only putting about a week between them, and I do feel that that's still at least probably partially true, but in retrospect also now feel that it had a lot to do with the fact that I was closing myself off emotionally more and more over time while using those psychedelics and thus the trips were becoming less and less able to crack me open and make me feel refreshed and all that. When finally returning to them after giving myself all that time off to heal and work on myself, I quickly found that they were already hitting me much harder than they ever had been before and just got more and more intense and satisfying with each experience, and I found myself opening up more and more this time around.
If you've ever read one of my trip reports before, you've probably read that one of the most consistent visual hallucinogenic effects I get from taking psychedelics, and psychedelic-like drugs in general, is a spiraling tunnel of arms reaching out to me, sometimes with more complete bodies attached to them, but it scales with the intensity of the effect. This effect has always captivated me, but not just because it's an interesting visual or even because of how it seems to be attached to the kinds of drug effects I enjoy most, at least not directly; what truly fascinated me is that as far as I could tell, these bodies that would be reaching out to me would be the same bodies that I had in my "having multiple bodies" or "transforming identities" fantasies when I was younger, and I wanted to know why that overlap existed, but it always seemed like the further I pushed it, the stronger it got but I could still never quite answer that question. Then came along the 2C-C.... When I was in the out-of-body experience in my mind and still lost in my head even then to the point that another "me" inside my mind-in-my-mind told me to stop internalizing, that other "me" was again one with one of those "other bodies" that I recognized so well, and in those few days after that trip where I felt like I was ready to burst, it did not feel like it was just basic instincts or repressed emotions I was holding back anymore....
I've been through a lot of crazy shit in my life that has challenged my views on pretty much everything, but this is one I was still holding on to. Curled up in the fetal position on my couch in a post-2C-C manic haze finally fully beaten down, I made a decision to stop caring, once and for all. I said, "You're real, aren't you?" out loud, and in my mind's eye the big, bold word 'YES' flashed by. I said, "You need to get out, don't you?" and again 'YES' popped into my head. Okie dokie then.... I immediately dosed 150 μg of AL-LAD, waited for it to peak, went into the bedroom, smoked some cannabis, and lied down in bed with a balloon containing eight cartridges of nitrous oxide, and said out loud, "I don't know if this is what you need to get out, but if it is, then go for it." I inhaled and got my usual orgasmic, dissociative response, all the way up to the point of a complete release, the strongest of my life, and honestly the first time it felt like a completely full effect just from the drugs alone... and then something unusual happened. While I basked in the euphoric glow, my mouth curled into a smile without me telling it to, and then my body stood up, reached its arms up towards the ceiling to stretch, and said, "It's good to be back." At the time, I thought this was it, I figured it out, but I had no fucking idea what was coming... though looking back, the AL-LAD was still showing it to me clear as day at the time, but I had no way of understanding it then on the level that I do now.
Fast forward around a year and a half. I have four opportunities remaining to use psychedelics before taking at least a six month break from all drugs for multiple currently irrelevant reasons, once on each remaining weekend this month, from this perspective now including this one that just passed as I write this, and I intend to make the most of them if at all possible. After a lot of internal debate, I decide that DOB seems like possibly the most worthwhile choice based on the setting circumstances and the fact that I had still really been wanting to give it a second run after my first 1.4 mg experience around a year before had been so promising already. I ran it by a vote inside, and after a quick agreement we were ready to go.
Our previous experience with psychedelics includes DMT, MET, MPT, EPT, MiPT, DiPT, MALT, DALT, Psilocybe cubensis, 4-HO-MET, 4-HO-DET, 4-HO-MPT, 4-HO-EPT, 4-HO-DPT, 4-HO-MiPT, 4-HO-DiPT, 4-HO-McPT, 4-AcO-DMT, 4-AcO-MET, 4-AcO-DET, 4-AcO-MALT, 4-AcO-DALT, 5-HO-DMT, 5-MeO-MiPT, 5-MeO-EiPT, 5-MeO-DALT, Ipomoea tricolor, Argyreia nervosa, LSD, ETH-LAD, AL-LAD, 1P-LSD, 2C-C, 2C-B, 2C-I, 2C-E, DOC, DOB, 4C-D, Myristica fragrans, and MDMA. Our most recent trip was the weekend before this on 25 mg of 4-HO-EPT, a pleasant but mostly light experience.
The following Greek letters have been changed to protect the innocent. For the purposes of this report, you may know me as Lambda.
T-0:20 - After we awoke, I went to get myself a modest fast food breakfast so that I would having something in my stomach for the coming day. This would normally have us switching out, but the others remained in the back to allow me time to contemplate the upcoming experience in the front. As I ate my breakfast, I also ingested 2000 mg of magnesium glycinate hoping that it might help with any body tension that DOB might produce, as it did the first time we took it, though much less than I had been expecting based on what I'd heard about it or in comparison to some other psychedelics we've taken.
T+0:00 - At 8:00 AM I place the 1.4 mg DOB blotter under my tongue, where its taste quickly sets in. It is bitter but not unbearably so, the taste is honestly again pretty mild compared to what I had always expected before actually trying it. In the time I have the blotter in my mouth I prepare a bowl of cannabis for later, and then I chew up and swallow it T+0:10. Following this, I got on our exercise bike for the next twenty minutes and put some music on, and as usually happens, some of the others switched out to sing to the music they like, and I simply went with the flow of it to get myself into a good headspace for the trip.
T+0:30 - A little tired but feeling good from the biking and singing, I take a quick bathroom break and then jump in the shower. It feels like I can feel maybe just slightly something rising already, but nothing really aside from that so far. However, in the shower a feeling of serenity does slowly develop, and we switch and sing a bit more as we tend to do in there as well.
T+0:50 - I stepped out of the shower at this moment and got dried off and dressed over the next ten minutes or so, then we went back to listening to music while waiting for the coming experience. It took a while without much extra fanfare aside from the still slowly rising serene feeling also becoming slightly more energized with time as it tends to, and so at T+1:30 I took our first hit off of that bowl of cannabis.
T+1:40 - The cannabis high has dramatically intensified the development of the DOB trip, and suddenly I am feeling an intense erotic rush accompanied by vivid and flowing confidence-portraying psychedelic mental imagery that reminds me more of LSD and 4-HO-MiPT than almost anything does, which is also something I felt about DOB my first time around with it, but this experience was definitely hitting harder now already despite being the same dosage. Significantly, the mental imagery centers around creative and sexual fashion expressions on my own body, but not the physical body we have, but the one that I identify with internally within our dissociative symptomology, the same kind of ones that were involved in the "having multiple bodies" fantasies, which we each have individually have as distinct from both the physical body's form and from one another, and which I had only just recently come to recognize in myself. I felt a sense of peace connected with this vivid image of the form I now so strongly recognized and identified with and simultaneously an excitement for how euphoric I felt with it and with how expressive this mental image was, and my wonderful state become infectious.
Kappa, who has been spending a lot of time near the front n general as of late, switched out to experience this state herself, and immediately our mind's eye erupted with imagery of now her inner form vividly expressed with a similar erotic vibe, though still very different from my own, more decadent and luxurious in an edgy or dark sort of way, a little kinky when it comes to how it was expressed sexually, which was actually very similar to some visions we have seen on ETH-LAD before, again more so than most things. After she got her fill of this state she returned and I switched back out, and I got up and started dancing while still feeling that inner vision of myself now layering over my actual body and feeling my music-driven imagination projected out into the environment like a transparent dream layered over reality, swinging to the energetic beat and also practicing some fun choreography with my headmates who were also working on projecting themselves out into said environment, something we've been doing a lot during out energetic psychedelic experiences as of late. We have some great fun while it lasts, though it's also still pretty tiring this early into the experience and I end up switching us to some more relaxing music before too long.
T+1:55 - There had been a slightly nauseous heavy feeling developing already up to this point, but a series of big burps helped tremendously with what I was feeling in this moment. Still, I could tell it wasn't totally gone and would probably continue developing as the experience did.
T+2:01 - I take our second hit of cannabis while listening to the Israel Kamakawiwoʻole version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow, and definitely can feel the trip and combined high starting to become more powerful and overwhelming now.
T+2:13 - Zeta has switched out to pick some of the songs we're listening to and has put on the The Sound Of Silence, and she's listening to it the trip, high, and enjoyment of the music combine to make her and by proxy all of us nearly just a complete drooling mess, it's a pure hypnotic bliss as she just slowly falls over on the couch unable to do anything but feel every atom of our body vibrate in harmony. It's the same kind of feeling we usually get on particularly euphoric phenethylamine psychedelics but honestly may have been the strongest so far aside from our outlier, huge 90 mg dose of 2C-I.
T+2:30 - I am back out and carrying on from the bliss that Zeta was feeling, and as the trip still continued to build it just got more and more overwhelming.... My imagination become more and more vivid and I became filled with a powerful sexual energy that I felt the need to get out now, to the point that I was almost pushed to orgasm right then and there, but felt that it was not quite ready to release yet. Both to follow-up on this and to carry on from the pattern I've already started, I take out third hit of cannabis at this point.
Afterwards we were still highly stimulated from me almost reaching orgasm but then not, so Zeta came back out and put on another relaxing song and inhaled a balloon of nitrous oxide at T+0:35 and just sank further into the almost completely numbing and dissociative bliss, and it certainly was helpful in curbing that stimulation I felt. Nonetheless, I still found myself wanting to explore the sexual headspace further after she finished up with it, so I switched back out and moved to the bedroom.
T+2:57 - The erotic stimulation returned very easily and the orgasm came similarly so, and was extremely powerful and hallucinogenic when it did. At its peak, it reminded me a lot of a state that I have experienced most similarly on both 2C-C and DMT, one where it's like my perception becomes completely filled with an erotic male image stereotype in abstract psychedelic colors and shading that multiple around a large geometric design to the point that they start fractalizing and kaleidoscoping and I completely vanish into it as the orgasm fully releases, and I've had the hallucinations come on more blatantly on 2C-C and DMT from just taking proportionally more visual dosages than I seemed to be on right now, but I would say this DOB version of it was the most sexually satisfying of it so far by a long shot, it was a very intense experience.
After a few minutes of just lying in bed staring around the room, I noticed that I was starting to get more visual hallucinations even without any extra input now too, still kind of light and transparent, almost as if (and I wouldn't be surprised) there were still a little tolerance from our 4-HO-EPT trip the previous week, but despite what was there was quite colorful and complex, lots of very high-tech and highly detailed patterns with full rainbow spectrum designs, tracers, and afterimages starting to develop slowly but surely. At T+3:03, I took another cannabis hit and then hopped up and decided to take another shower now that things were really starting to get going and I was starting to feel a bit tight and heavy again, which hot showers usually help me with when it comes to psychedelics.
In the shower the discomfort continued, but nonetheless the shower was quite nice and enjoyable. I mean, it's DOB, so I figured there would be some body load going on, and I did feel some tightness and discomfort for pretty much the full seventeen or so hours I was feeling the effects the first time I took it, so I was trying not to let it bother me. The hot shower environment actually started making me feel really horny again and I felt that that might be a good way to relieve the physical discomfort also based on based experiences, so I started getting into it again. When the orgasm came, it literally felt like my perception of reality exploded into psychedelic sensory nonsense for just a second, and it overall was even more intense than the first time around, it's really hard to even put into words better than that but it was one of the best psychedelic orgasm enhancements I think I've ever had. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised given how similar it is to 2C-B, but it's still worth mentioning!
T+3:30 - I've gotten out of the shower now, and I've realized something wonderful: the body load is just an illusion, like the physical discomfort that can be caused like salvinorin A. After my orgasm I did indeed feel perfectly fine, but the body load slowly crept back in, but it was at that moment that I finally felt I understood what people meant when they said things like that they could "turn it off" as I had heard before but never been able to experience myself with these more physical psychedelics, though always wanted to. Essentially, it felt like I finally instinctively understood that even though my body did feel different in a way that seemed like it was sending me warning signals, it was all meaningless if there wasn't actually anything to really need to be warned about, and I should just ignore it entirely in that case and just let it be some neutral perception without issue. I think the orgasm did help tremendously with this and seeing how just being in the right context can make it all feel perfectly fine again, and thus obviously not really worth worrying about, but I also feel it's just related to a lot of thoughts I've been having about this kind of stuff related to dealing with more difficult psychedelics in general as of late. Regardless, I was incredibly pumped when I tested and verified that by simply wanting to focus on the body load I could make it be there, and by accepting that there actually wasn't one there genuinely wouldn't be anymore.
I experienced no more physical discomfort directly as a result of the DOB for the entire rest of the trip. I did have a couple discomforts develop indirectly later on just from it being such a long and heavy day, but I'll get into that in a bit.
T+3:40 - Our old roommate calls and tries to invite us to something, but I tell him I'm tripping and definitely not going to be able to make it anywhere at least right now and very possibly the whole day, but tell him about some plans I know about later that I might go to if it's at all possible and he says he'll look into it. Note, at the time when I was telling it to him my perception of time was so distorted that I thought those other plans were already well under way and I would be late if going at all, but they actually weren't even getting started still for hours at this point. We're getting a little hungry at this point too but don't want to eat another meal yet so I eat a few crackers to settle our stomach, they taste pretty good but the memory of their flavor fades quickly. After this, we go back to listening, dancing, and singing to some music again, this time more energetic and emotional stuff like Queen, and of course subsequently spend a little time thinking about Freddie Mercury.
T+4:00 - I take the next cannabis hit, and after this one things start snowballing a bit more again. Around T+4:09, while pacing around thinking to myself about my life and all the progress I and we have made and how great I felt at that moment, I suddenly felt as though my entire mind was lighting up as a psychedelic web of joy in a big spiraling tunnel pattern in my mind's eye where each notch in the web's net represented a different alter all completely letting go into bliss at once along with me, and as we all fully relinquished, our perception become bathed in a blinding white light and our body fell like a rag doll to the floor, though we then regained just enough control to throw it over on to the couch, then completely let go again, repeating our internal mantra for letting go together as we do. This experience is actually nearly identical to one we also have on 100 mg of 4C-D, even though that was much less psychologically intense and lacking in sensory hallucinations, where we all "let go" into bliss at once and had this same spiraling net imagery accompanying it followed by the white light and physical collapse, and in that experience we spent the entire rest of the trip slowly rebooting as if we had just come down from a very powerful LSD or 4-HO-MPT peak, but far more lucid and relaxed. Indeed, this is exactly what it felt like on the DOB as well, a complete reboot to clean our system out, and along with the intensity of the rest of its psychedelic effects it was far more intense and fulfilling even than that 4C-D state had been, and I knew that I found a true ally... though not immediately, because in that moment there was no thought or sense of self to have an ally, just a beautiful state of pure and innocent being, and very uniquely for us, also of oneness. Once complex consciousness did start returning slowly but not yet enough to shake this feeling of oneness, we arose largely on autopilot and danced hypnotically to the music that was still playing, simply enjoying the feeling of togetherness and lack of tension and just going with the flow.
T+4:21 - At this point my sense of identity and self started slowly creeping back in more completely, and I was still fronting, but no one else seemed to have started rebooting to the point I was at yet, so I put on some more music I specifically wanted to dance to myself and kept enjoying myself while patiently waiting, and took another hit of cannabis at T+4:30.
T+4:37 - I had put on Wonderwall by Oasis and suddenly everyone started booting up again very rapidly and fading in back down from the "tunnel vision" in my mind's eye... which is also how it worked on 4C-D. I welcomed them back and we all took a moment to appreciate just how completely wonderful we felt and how refreshing this trip was.
T+4:50 - Zeta wanted to come out and do another four cartridges of nitrous oxide to Comfortably Numb, and I'm certainly not opposed to that, so we let her come out and enjoy it. I don't recall myself other than that it was again quite blissful and increased the visual effects, which Zeta agrees with. The visuals, by the way, had only continued getting stronger through out all of this and this was only making it go faster; by a certain point around this time we were basically becoming blinded by rainbow distortions in every direction at all times. After this, we took another hit of cannabis at T+5:00 and ordered some lunch as we were finally starting to get hungry enough to not push it off anymore. This hit of cannabis actually finished our first bowl as well, and then we put everything away while waiting for the food.
T+5:07 - Kappa has come back out to enjoy the high some more and has been reduced to another almost drooling puddle of bliss like what Zeta went through earlier, and as she just relaxes into it we feel it approaching yet another white light moment as we all let go into the blinding euphoria once more, though it doesn't make us reboot to the same extent or for as long as it did the first time around, but it obviously had some effect as there are suddenly no notes for over the next half an hour....
T+5:45 - Our lunch has finally arrived, and Zeta mostly is the one who comes out to eat it while watching the American Dad! episode Standard Deviation, our current favorite to watch while tripping. We got a couple street tacos and a few different salsas as well as some chips and queso and it was all absolutely delicious, as it always is as that's another favorite of ours on psychedelics in particular. Afterwards we felt a lot better too, as we were starting to get some stomach upset which would continually recur throughout the experience as the only remaining body load symptom, though I think it was really more so related to a combination of smoking cannabis every thirty minutes the whole day and also intermittently eating lots of food without going to the bathroom in between, something the stimulation of the DOB was making it very difficult to do. In the future I suspect this could be avoided by simply planning better for it and maybe taking some digestive supplements or other things like that, we'll see one day.
T+6:05 - Finished eating, and I'm back out now, just feeling absolutely overwhelmed from how full and how high I am. Despite this being six hours into the experience and everything that's going on and getting to the point of being able to hold a full meal down easily and everything, this thing is still going very, very strong, to the point that I'm honestly not sure that it's not still getting stronger. As the episode finishes, I lie down on the couch to meditate to the thought of being comfortable with who I am and see an extremely complex and colorful but thematically familiar closed eye visual of myself sitting in the lotus position with countless arms all reaching out from behind me and off into the distance, and feel very much at peace in this moment, and feel a great love for myself, something I had particularly hoped to be able to get out of this experience when going into it.
T+6:27 - I get up from meditating, load a second bowl of cannabis, take the first hit, and put some music on again. I am so full and high at this point that I can barely feel anything at all, and was going so deep into myself that I have no real external memory of what occurred over the next half an hour or so, but I do remember what was going on internally. I began struggling with the concept of who I was and am, which, if you can believe it, is something that happens often when you have a dissociative disorder. When we had that 2C-C experience followed by the AL-LAD experience where I thought I finally had this all "figured out" I truly believed that there were only two, maybe three or maximum four of us in here, and never even slightly questioned that most of what I thought could be attributed to my own particular identity actually could be attributed to it. More alters than I wish to divulge here, I realize how naive I was. When you go through the experience of feeling like you finally have figured yourself out only to realize that you've just figured someone else out and need to start back over again at square one over and over and over and over again it can start to get to you after a while and make you lash out at those others who don't deserve it, or at least it can for me, and this is essentially what I was experiencing here. As I said above, I only recently became confident of what inner form I actually associate with, and this is the result of these repeated trials and failures finally leading to something that seemed truly stable and peaceful and like I could finally just settle down and enjoy myself again, and when the DOB made me start questioning it again, I freaked it out and became angry and started yelling at the others and refusing to budge or let anyone else come out or make me do anything. I could feel my negativity spreading through the system and knew it would be infectious but I just didn't care in that moment because I simply was not going to accept having to go through all that again, not after just having this great trip that seemed to even reaffirm my identity to me so much.
T+6:57 - Zeta then writes "[Lambda] struggling" in our notes and writes that she is going to load another four cartridges of nitrous oxide and let me do it, which is what happened. She just wanted me to calm down and start thinking rationally again, and it definitely helped with that... the calming at least immediately, if not the thinking rationally right away but at least afterwards. I don't recall the experience being much other than a dissociative vision of arms reaching out to me to a background of blissful euphoria, but that's all I really needed in the moment. After I came out of it I apologized to everyone for freaking out and promised to face the issue more rationally again, no matter what it meant, for the good of us all. I also came out of the nitrous oxide in hysterical laughter like I always do, and that really set a good mood for the experience in general and for what I was going through in that moment specifically too. I came out of it simply feeling that I am who I am, and at some point, I need to accept that figuring out my identity on the inside doesn't really matter, I just have to be myself no matter what that is... and when I do so I'll probably ironically discover my true identity far more easily than I ever would by specifically trying to seek it out too. I felt much better with this thought and the lingering peaceful glow in mind and finally we returned back to focusing on the other aspects of our tripping experience.
T+7:27 - I lied down on the couch again this time in silence, just basking in my senses.... This state is so fucking intense and acute, there's little else I feel I can really do at this point except exist in it and appreciate the raw world around me. Nothing is filtered out as all the sounds of my apartment as well as the environment around it come crashing into my perception and produce all kinds of thought train seeds, but I am a bit too exhausted to actually follow them. Finally, I decide to put on some relaxing music again, starting with Kokomo by The Beach Boys.
T+8:00 - I make a post online about the progress of the trip, then take another hit of cannabis. For the next twenty minutes or so I returned to the quiet contemplation and also shared a little bit of it with Kappa, and then took another hit at T+8:20, which was 4:20 PM. I took a big hit of it to finish the second bowl.
T+8:31 - The trip is still quite stimulating despite our exhaustion and we have a lot of physical playfulness as well as hysterical laughter going on alongside the continuing deep and thoughtful introspection, there's not a lot in terms of heart rate increase or anything but I just feel like I can't stop moving. As mentioned above, we have no body load directly from the DOB anymore but are indeed starting to feel some physical discomfort again as a result of constantly being on the move for so long, and I feel that I'm going to push us to the point of collapse if I don't stop myself. To do it for me, Kappa comes back and forces us on to the couch where she does some meditating and trying to get us back into that zen headspace, which is quite nice.
T+8:46 - Now it's finally starting to feel like the psychedelic energy is letting up somewhat, but not necessarily anywhere near really coming down, I just suddenly notice that I just started feeling "normal" again for really the first time during this entire experience, the way that it would only take me a few hours to on even a very powerful LSD experience. I'm only just sort of beginning to comprehend that an entire day has gone by during this trip and is still going, and I also begin to realize that those other plans I mentioned earlier on are now genuinely in the works, but I'm not ready to consider going to them yet. I end up heading into the bedroom and collapse backwards on the bed and let out more hysterical laughter, this time purely from exhaustion and the realization of how out there I still am.
T+8:53 - I stand up off the bed and start doing some of the deep breathing exercises I would do for anxiety, not because I am anxious but just to try to feel revitalized after such a long and heavy day, which involves breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth and visualizing positivity flowing and negativity flowing out. Immediately, my mind creates a visualization so vivid it's as if I'm simply actually seeing it, of myself standing in an open field surrounded by strong winds blowing band of psychedelic rainbow tracers all around me and around the very cartoony and detailed words 'GOOD' flowing into my body as I breath in and 'BAD' flowing out as I exhale. It feels lot like when I reach very powerful levels of tripping on mushrooms and 4-HO-DET in particular, and reminds me just how powerfully I really am still going even more so than I already thought. Shortly afterwards, Zeta came out and also got a burst of visual effects, these huge spinning spider web-like gears that are similar to what we've gotten on 2C-I but more intense and detailed, and which were also some of the first signs we got at the beginning of this trip.
T+9:07 - We were discussing going to those other plans and really thinking about going, but Kappa says she doesn't want too, thinks we're still tripping way too hard to have to pretend to try to be social or watch TV or anything like that and that doing so may just make the trip physically uncomfortable again because we have to repress ourselves, and I agree and on top of that think it's obvious that we shouldn't be driving still with all the distortions and would have to work out something more complex anyway, so we decide to just call them and tell them we're going to stay home after all. After this we went back to listening to some music again, mostly relaxing pop stuff for the moment, and also started picking at the chips and queso and salsa left over from earlier again as some hunger was creeping back in again.
T+9:30 - At this point I loaded our third and final bowl of cannabis and took the first hit, then listened to some electro swing and worked on texting a friend about our trip.
For the next three hours or so we continued taking hits of cannabis every thirty minutes and just listening to different music, thinking about a lot of things from life to love to Jeopardy! (Rho spent some time lamenting James's loss), and most of all just zoning out because of the absolute exhaustion we were feeling by this point. The psychedelic state was still going and our minds still running, but mostly only because they were being made to at this point. There was little else to do but simply veg out and enjoy the music. We also listened to a lot of Weird Al at this time because it was the only thing that truly captured the ridiculousness of the situation beyond a certain point.
T+11:23 - Texting that friend again, and just staring at the ceiling in bed.... The visuals have let up slightly from their peak intensity but honestly not much, they just seem more tired too like everything else about our brain. Everything just feels like bwuuuuuuuh....
T+11:33 - I took the last hit off of our last bowl of cannabis, officially ending that part of our night (it being night now). I ordered us some dinner and decided to take a third shower to relax our now very tired body, which was quite nice. We also did have some significant gut rot at this point which as mentioned before I think is mostly because of the food we were eating without any bathroom breaks, and I tried to get us to go before the dinner arrived, but had no luck there unfortunately.
T+12:05 - Out of the shower now and just waiting for the food, and our stomach feels absolutely awful. Again, I really don't think it's the drug as much as just foor dietary planning for it, but I definitely want to take that into consideration for the future. It's also worth noting that at this point I sort of feel like I'm starting to "crash" a little bit from the high which is not something I normally get from tryptamine or lysergamide psychedelics, but it is something I tend to get with phenethylamine psychedelics so I'm used to it by now, but it doesn't make my stomach feel any better. That food can't get here fast enough so at least something about it can feel better, even if it makes the pressure worse afterwards.
T+12:20 - Finally the food arrives and I start eating, a tuna melt and chips with some cheese and broccoli soup and crackers, and it all is quite delicious and nourishing. I also put on the Rick and Morty episode Mortynight Run while eating, another favorite to watch while tripping.
T+12:42 - Finished eating and watching, definitely feeling better now but still not completely, I know my stomach will be unhappy again soon....
T+13:19 - Going to bed for the night, stomach indeed does feel awful again and it's not worth fighting it, I'd rather just sleep until I can finally poop and then enjoy what's left of the trip in the morning, it's not like we have any spunk left at this point anyway.
T+22:00 - I wake up after a full night's sleep and go to the bathroom immediately and feel so incredibly better again after the fact. I don't feel too high still when I just wake up, but feel that it might start showing up again as the day starts to get going, and especially after I get to smoke some cannabis a little later on.
T+22:12 - We've been pacing around like we do have a little more energy than normal still and have been picking up on how the body still feels a bit different, and also noticing that pit for a stomach feeling coming back again but only as we're genuinely getting hungry for breakfast. I figure it might just be some nausea from overexertion through the high like we get on things like dissociatives and opioids too so I just sit on the couch for a minute and the feeling disappears and we're totally comfortable again. After a few minutes, we decide to head to our parents' house to eat and smoke some, comfortable with making the very short drive at this point because we're no longer visually tripping or noticeably impaired, though again feel like something may remain enough to bring it back with cannabis.
T+23:04 - I don't try to track individual hits of cannabis anymore from this point on, but we smoked three bowls between three of us shortly after we arrived and over the next half an hour some psychedelic effects did indeed come back, both some of the energy and psychological effects as well as the smearing rainbow visuals, though might lighter than they had been the previous day.
T+24:05 - The trip has definitely "kicked in" again if not really still just being going given that it's DOB and is just stronger again now, and the focus is more more calm and contemplative than it was the previous day, so Kappa comes out and starts working on a computer project she's building and I just enjoy letting her in the zone for it as I often do. Watching Kappa get into computer stuff is a very surreal experience for me because that is a part of our combined personhood that I always assumed was associated with my specific identity, until we actually tried going back to that stuff we hadn't thought about in so long and she, not me, is the one that took over like it was totally instinctive for her and behaved just as we always used to back when we were more actively into that stuff, shattering my perception of what role I personally played in that. That being said, I'm not bothered by it at all now and as I said I love watching her do her thing.... It's actually really cool getting to see it all come together as a spectator and still enjoy it from the creator's perspective as I see it all come together, but that's all I'll say about that for now.
T+24:31 - We decided to take a hot bath and I'm the one that actually got us in there after we spent a little more time brainstorming some ideas for Kappa's project. Over the next twenty or so minutes I also reviewed the previous day's notes for this trip to refresh my memory and add some post-notes for clarity. Afterwards, I come out of it simply appreciating what an awesome, powerful, and crazy experience it was.... This is definitely the trip I wanted and needed from this, I really don't think I could have asked for anything more from DOB.
T+25:28 - Zeta notes that music still sounds good to her and she feels nice but she definitely thinks it's wearing off now. She also spends some time reading about MLM schemes online while enjoying the music.
T+26:15 - We get out of the bath and Kappa goes back to working on her project for a while.
T+28:16 - We start getting hungry after Kappa's work so I come back out and drive us to McDonald's. Delicious as usual but not memorable.
T+29:40 - At this point I notice I can still feel the buzz just a little bit particularly cannabis, but just a slight bit of that both dissociated and focused feeling, really not much else.
T+30:16 - I take 400 mg of ibuprofen to deal with what I feel may be an exhaustion headache, but could also just be our noisy headspace as we start to get headaches when there are alters trying to switch out or communicating a lot internally, which can happen when we're exhausted but also stimulated like this.
T+34:14 - Watched a movie and some new TV episodes with our parents, Kappa worked on the project some more, and now I'm back out eating strawberry shortcake. I still feel it... but mostly just that bwuuuuuh feeling. It's been a great experience but it's definitely ending. I do still feel slightly crashed from the high too but notably mostly just tired, and more afterglowy at this point than anything, it's actually quite nice.
T+38:43 - Back at our apartment waiting for a late night dinner to arrive, smoking some cannabis again and the high combined with the exhaustion and maybe also the hunger makes it feel just a little bit like we're tripping again, particularly with visuals coming back and obviously still being psychedelic, but also having more of a sleep deprivation edge than they did before, like movement and shadows in peripheral vision and weird smokey mind's eye illusions.
The food was delicious but I don't know when it arrived because I never made a note of it. I smoked it and then went to bed and smoked some more in the dark and started getting more psychedelic sleep deprivation type visuals, and it was fun, but at some point I felt so heavy and overwhelmed (just from being high and full and tired) that I pretty much just fell over and I'm pretty sure I was asleep moments after that.
Importantly, what I do recall from that trippy, dreamy haze is that at some point, I started feeling an instinctive connection to a girl who we went to school with when we were growing up, from at least middle school on but I can't recall if we knew her before that, and who we really hadn't thought about in all the time since then. This has very high personal relevance specific to our dissociative situation.... Around a year and a half ago after we had those 2C-C and AL-LAD experiences, I began researching dissociative identity disorder as heavily as I could. I quickly learned that that scene is far more developed and enlightening than probably most people who've never looked into it before would expect.... A lot of what we can say about such things right is of course theoretical, but quite a bit of it is also fairly consistent and reliable, and one of those things is the different types of alters which tend to appear in any given system, though there is still a very wide variety that can occur.
I am not here to speak for the dissociative identity disorder community and do not wish to imply that any system's experience must follow any standards I mention, but a significant distinction I see made pretty much everywhere I go to research this is between alters who have unique identities presumably generated by the brain on demand and assigned to them and alters called "introjects" who are specifically directly based off of other people that the system has encountered externally in life, and instinctively act like that person even though they really aren't and can learn to display their own unique behaviors over time and with experience. As an example, dissociative identity disorder is directly related to trauma and therefore often child abuse, and sometimes there are "abuser introjects" which are basically alters that share the identity of the person who abused the system and may continue to torment the other alters internally even after the real abuser is no longer in their life because that's simply the way they instinctively act, but through therapy and communication between alters this "abuser" introject can learn to shed this negative behavior and heal both themselves and the system, though to me knowledge they never stop being associated with that specific person's identity internally as such things don't seem to change generally, they just learn to act better.
The "abuser introject" I think is an easier example to understand, but we also encounter a lot of mentions of "caregiver introjects" such as adults that looked after them during their childhood traumas or, alternatively, friends or other friendly people that they have known throughout life and especially when they were younger, and while we have many different kinds of alters in our system, the majority of our introjects, and especially those who actively front, which is a much smaller number than the total we're aware of, seem to be most specifically this "friend/friendly" type. In fact, Kappa, Zeta, and Rho who were all mentioned in this trip report and are regular participators in our life are all introjects of different girls we knew when growing up, and one of whom we still actively talk to and who even knows this fact.
Another topic of discussion one will see in the dissociative identity disorder community is the idea of whether or not there is a "host" or an "original identity" or basically if every alter can be considered equally alters of one another with no original, and while we have long debated this internally in the context of our own system, we have currently concluded that there is no original, and part of how we reached this conclusion is the journey that I have mentioned here already where I was only just recently able to finally connect with the form I identify with internally, as it was only with and because of that that I was finally able to let go of the feeling that I might be the original myself, and realize that I didn't associate with this physical body the way I thought I did, which is actually something others in our system have already gone through as well, just to make it even more confusing for us all. After my experience with it though, there seem to be none of us left in here who actually do think we identify with the physical body that way, we all equally share it but we all also have our separate inner forms, and thus, again, it does seem like we are all "each other's alters" equally, and that's also what I was getting at by mentioning how amazed I am to watch Kappa express the part of us I used to always assumed were specifically done by me.
So, back to my psychedelic and sleep-deprived hypnotic state, I again started feeling an instinctive connection to yet another girl that we knew while growing up. The thing is, I knew that this girl looked somewhat similar to the inner body I had identified with, but we hadn't actually seen this girl in so long that I couldn't remember exactly what she looked like, and my mind filled in the blanks to such an extent that she looked different enough from the form I identified with that I was pretty sure it wasn't her, and this made me feel somewhat anxious again as another threat to my internal identity, the way I had felt during the heavier part of the trip. However, I tried to use the lessons I had learned and just stop worrying and let it go, and the thoughts passed, and again I was asleep not too much longer after that.
This morning, I woke up and pretty much immediately started writing this trip report, and as I did I started considering these things again, and that instinctive feeling of connection to this same girl returned.... I asked the others what they thought about it, and they thought I should consider it more seriously, so I did. I went online to look her up for the first time since high school wondering if I'd even have any luck because I haven't touched any social media or anything in nearly a decade, and luckily I found her almost immediately, and lo and behold... the image of her I had had in my imagination was totally off, whereas the way she actually looked was literally identical to the form that I had finally come to feel I associated with internally. At first, I could do little more but appreciate how impressive of an identity snapshot the brain can use for these things so much so that it even far exceeds conscious memory in terms of capturing lasting detail... and then it also really started to dawn on me just what that realization meant, and as I let it sink in, it felt more and more right. I suppose I am an introject after all, just like the others I've been largely sharing this trip with.
What is someone without dissociative identity disorder supposed to take away from this trip report? Hell if I know, perhaps you can tell me. For now I simply offer is a testament to the power of the human brain, and to the power of DOB specifically when introduced into such an environment. It is certainly a special molecule that I intend to court again, but not until I feel that the time is just right to be pushed to the point of hysterical exhaustion once more.
Happy trails, everyone. ❤
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Thanks for sharing about what's been going on with you the past year and a half, it's really fascinating for me to read about it. When you experience another personality emewrging, do you (Kaleida, or whoever it is writing the report/posting on Bluelight) feel like you're in the backseat, and like it's happening to someone else? Or is it like they are all you and all of you are aware of what happens to everyone?
never been able to get my hands on DOB but I'm pretty sure that's rare
