• TDS Moderators: mafioso | deficiT | stellablue
  • Bluelight HOT THREADS
  • Let's Welcome Our NEW MEMBERS!

Venting Didn't wanna come back for this, but whatever

Blowmonkey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 15, 2003
Messages
12,453
Location
No
So I'm completely done, again. Last time I broke down like this I walked away from everything, including bl, sorry for that, sorry I never said anything, it's what I do. The fact I suddenly had to live with pretty debilitating tinnitus and 2 cats dying in a short timeframe, it just wrecked me for about a year. Actually stopped doing drugs for 4-5 months during that time, still went back to weed though, it's one of my coping mechanisms, I recognize it's completely broken. I've had no trouble quitting everything else, from years of psychs, gbl, benzo's, alcohol, but weed just seems impossible to me. I don't even want or know how to stop anymore. Imagine that, I have trouble quitting cannabis, who knew? Been trying to post extremely longwinded material all week, I mean real long, but I guess I have too many trust issues to even be sharing it all on here, it just seems silly and insignificant compared to other people's problems.

Let's just say that nirvana is pretty much all I listen to lately and I completely agree with what he wrote in his last recorded song, like it was written for me. It's about what I did, not what I'm going to do, mind you. Shit, I even kinda look like him now, in his bad years, lol. And ofcourse it's all because of a girl, 15 years later and I'm still way too bothered by letting her go, still love her to death, can't be with her anymore, didn't do anything about it, just ran away from her and all my problems, regret everything right now, don't know what to do with these overwhelming feelings, just lost. I hate this depression, hate my addiction, hate feeling suicidal, hate these selfish thoughts, hate myself, every morning these last few months I wake up in pure panic, can't eat, don't sleep much, just fear, constant pain and anxiety, no way out, boohoo.

Someone please just lie to me and say it's gonna be fine, you'll be my hero. I need some support from people that went through similar feelings, perfect place right? Would you rather have me post on reddit? Terrible site, thanks for ruining the internet guys, appreciated. Share stories, give me a hug, let it be a pretty girl. Hey and while we're hugging, why not just give me your number? We have so much in common, let me fall in love with you and all your psychological scars and drug problems, I don't care if you have night terrors, honestly.

I had so much more written, this is like the 5th revision, but I was sick of writing and reading it all, my mind is so fucking fragile, can barely even handle posting this in fear of being judged, I've been trying to for over more than a week now. If you've never noticed before, I always tried to avoid getting on a personal level as much as I could, it's not only here I do that, it just feels wrong to talk about what I'm going through, to anyone, yeah, I'm a robot. So if you think, ah, he'll be fine, don't worry about it, he put in a couple of lols and some attempts at jokes at the end. No, I wasn't really joking, I've been drinking, I never drink anymore. This is just all you get right now, don't even know if I'll have the heart to look at this after the thread has been made. I hate putting this out in the open, I should consider posting about it a big step in the right direction, but it just feels like a public execution right now. In fact it felt like that a couple of days ago when I saw a bunch of my friends at the reunion of my buddy growthspurt, 13 years since he died; all because I feel like shit and don't want to bother people with these irrational thoughts, it just all came out, I mean they knew I was struggling with depression, but not some of the reasons. It's scary finally admitting you need help and that I can't do it on my own anymore. I'm really not looking forward to any of it, this feels like it's gonna take years and I need my quick fix. Mostly hoping for some closure, I'm so afraid it doesn't exist though, fucking terrified.

I should just go ahead and press enter now before I add more or delete it again, don't even know if this is the right place or if it deserves it's own topic, but I don't really care anymore, had to put it somewhere.



Thanks for listening, bye.

Also hi, I love you guys, missed this place, cried my eyes out looking at all the new names in the shrine, sigh.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

mal3volent

Sr. Moderator: CEPS, TL, S&G
Staff member
Joined
Jun 6, 2011
Messages
12,158
Hey blowmonkey...welcome back to BL. Glad you decided to post.

I ran away from the person I loved too. When I realized it could never work I ran. Two states away. I didn't ever want to risk running into him ever again. Several years later, I still think about him everyday...and when I'm feeling especially shitty I beat myself up thinking about what if this had happened/what if that had happened. It sucks. I wish I could forget him but at the same time...I don't.

I struggle mostly with benzos and alcohol. I pass out a few hours a night. If I go back to sleep it's all horrible half-wake nightmares. Looks like I check all the boxes, psychological scars...drug problems...and night terrors. Do I win or is my dick gonna be a problem for you? =D Hey you look like Kurt Cobain? That's not too bad. You also like king of the hill...me too...I'd go back and live in the 90s/early oughts if I could.

Venting on BL is the best kind of venting because you're never risking judgement or embarrassment. I couldn't imagine saying some of the the things I say here to people I know IRL.
 

swilow

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 9, 2005
Messages
31,877
Location
Your double slit
Hey mate. I remember you blowmonkey ? correct me if I'm wrong, but you modded PD yeah?

Sorry to hear of your battle here- it sounds like a fucking rough time. Morning panic is something I'm all too familiar with but I gotta say, for me it's eased up- so there's hope man ❤ It would wake me up, and still does sometimes, but it manageable through practising slow breathing. And just practising constantly- I guess it becomes automatic. But even when it's not, anyone can breathe slowly at any time... it is amazing how this helps, not instantly, but within 5-10minutes or so. There's decent scientific evidence for the mechanism behind this too if that interests you...

Honestly though, and I hate to relate your situation back to me like this, but it was the decision to drop the addiction that was ruining my life and had been for 10 years that resolved my fear and self loathing. It was opiates for me, I set a date and have stuck to it for almost 9 months with no temptation to go back- all I have to do is remember that morning panic and self hatred and that seems enough to disincentivise me. It is the darkest period of my life that I refer back to if ever I am tempted. Sometimes, suffering is what we need to move forward into something better.

Let us know how you are mate. It would be fantastic to see you posting here again... ❤
 

Blowmonkey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 15, 2003
Messages
12,453
Location
No
Hi, how are you. Thanks guys. I know, reading it sounds pretty collected, but I'm far from calm. It's easier to put on a facade on the internet if you have taken some time to write it all out, especially assisted by some liquid confidence. Substance abuse dulls the emotions, so that's probably why it comes across like that. I used to mod CD when it first started, also nmi, felt like shit and didn't log on for a while, got 'fired', lol, came back, applied for pd I think after xorkoth asked early '11, but around that time I hit double depression for the first time in my life, needed to get away from everything, others deserved it more anyways. After losing my old email account and bl pw I never loggged on anymore, sometimes lurked though, set up my old account again to contact her as I'm not going on facebook, but I wound up here instead. Still haven't sent her anything.


What was I looking to do? I guess writing to forget, writing to remember myself that I need to change. That I can't shake this addiction, all my problems or my feelings for her without finally addressing them, probably in sobriety, probably with lot's of therapy, in whatever form necessary. I keep writing and writing and this did feel like the perfect place to put some of that. I need to break the cycle and start somewhere, but at this point I just feel unable to do anything. I just feel empty and done, I can't cry right now, but the smallest things will make me cry. My depression hit double depression, again. I need incentive, I need purpose, I need to find something to take my mind of off stupid things, stupid thoughts. I don't longer want to wake up every morning feeling suicidal and completely worthless. I can't tell her I am, but I really want to speak to her, I haven't in forever even though she reached out to me several times throughout all those years. We were such good friends, until we tried to have a relationship. It's all so irrational, not that love isn't irrational, but I knew we weren't right for each other the way we were back then, the way I was, this on/off love/hate relationship ruined our friendship. Couldn't deal with the fact she started seeing people I knew, out of sight out of mind doesn't work. It all hurt too much, we were hurting too much, didn't want to bother her by being bitter. Thought I was doing the right thing, for me, for her, instead we both lost eachother. I just wanted the both of us to live our lives again by letting her go. She did, she found love again, she's about to have a baby. I'm nowhere in my life, apparently still can't get over her. I'm a mess.


I just can't disturb her happiness right now, it's all she ever wanted. I don't want to share my pain with her, but I have so many questions that I feel like only she can answer. I can't risk making her feel like shit too though, what if something happened, could never forgive myself. I already don't, but I can't ruin her dreams too. The news just really broke me, made me think what the hell I had been doing with my life these last 15 years, wanted to turn everything around asap. These last few years whenever her name got mentioned, each time it just set me back, realized I never fully gave up on her, even all those years later. Never felt good enough to respond or act when she wanted to see me though. Every little thing someone tells me about her now just hurts, can't put it into perspective anymore. All those wasted opportunities, I just regret I didn't seek help sooner, fixed myself, maybe I could've shown her how much I really loved her, this time the right way, maybe it would've given me at least some form of closure if it didn't work out anyways, I'm kicking myself now for not having done anything. Maybe we could've just rekindled the friendship, I dunno, it all sounds stupid when I really think about it anyways, we could never make it work before, I just miss her, miss loving someone. Only ever felt love for a couple of girls as much as I did, haven't been able to find that feeling with anyone else since. Never really could make a relationship work after her, doubting I ever will find someone now, I just don't love myself anymore. She took that part of me with her.

I already went and asked for help, my friends finally know, told my doc, but first thing she said was you need to stop smoking first. I agree it's probably a start, but it only made me smoke more, so I'm back where I started. I feel like it's the only thing I have left to dull both this mental and physical pain. I also realize it's not and it's ruining me, I could be highfunctioning, instead I'm just high and functioning, even though barely now. I don't feel like going to the 12 step program she sent me to, should've gone already, never did. Reading stuff like this:
"says he had difficulty with rehab because he was made to spend many hours in group therapy and 12-step programs, including Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. "I've had a really hard time getting into that," he says. When faced with speaking in front of a group or at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, "my mind goes blank," he says. He also had difficulty connecting with other members.
https://www.bluelight.org/xf/threads/autism.878278/#post-14622839 doesn't help either. I mean I know what I need to do when I'm thinking more clearly, kinda. It's just that I'm not really able to right now, I'm doubting everything. I constantly need to be reminded of what I should do, preferably by people that went through similar things, otherwise I'm afraid I'd ignore it. Ofcourse, noone ever really does experience things the same, but just pointing me in the right direction is help enough, I hope, there's not much else you can do anyways. Thanks for the breathing tips, I struggled with chronic hyperventilation, so I know about them. Can't meditate for shit because of the tinnitus, never really was a fan anyways, so that's a no go for anyone wanting to suggest it.

Should I try 12 steps? I think I need to try something, but it all seems impossible right now. I don't want to finally get diagnosed with all their bullshit either, it's not just the depression and addiction, I'm on some spectrum like so many people here, just don't want to go through the system, it scares me. All the consequences,it all goes to shit if they have on paper you're a mental patient, I mean, people that smoke, are fat, they can change something about that, I have to live with this for the rest of my life. Explaining depression to people that have never experienced it is hard, but what about what's wrong with me, I just don't trust people enough to even begin to understand autism when it's such a broad term. Such a stigma, I have smart friends, but rainman is still connotated with it in their minds, come on, lol. Already changed so many things on my own, but I'm not sure what's best for me atm. See how I try and talk myself out of doing something again? My mind is a mess, don't trust myself with anything anymore, every decision I made seems like it's been wrong now, all I think about when I wake up is stopping this neverending pain, it's involuntary. I mean telling people about it is a cry for help, having the thoughts isn't. It's just one of those last calming things to cling to for a mind on the brink. I seriously don't want to kill myself, but I've never felt so close. Way too scared to keep living like this forever. I feel like I literally wasted my life not doing something about these feelings, my issues, all of it. I don't know what to do, scared that I'll never find a good substitute for dealing with myself without drugs, that I'll be prescribed all kinds of shitty antidepressants, that no amount of therapy will ever fix these unresolved feelings, it just seems to get worse every day now, what do I even need to do anymore, tell me, I'll take any advice, I need lot's of it.


There. Load of garbage. I hope you understand my position a little better now, or maybe I've only confused you, who cares, this is about as personal as I've ever gotten on the internet, it's not even a relief getting it off my chest, it sucks. Telling people you're a wreck, who's ever gotten better from that? Maybe whoever reads it, feeling better about yourself? So to recap, heartbroken, addiction, depression, suicidal thoughts, autism, probably some form of ptsd, what else. Oh right, physical pain, not a small part in the whole equation either, but let's not dwell on that.
 

Blowmonkey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 15, 2003
Messages
12,453
Location
No
Sigh, I guess it is venting. Nothing has changed, thought I was doing a little better last week, then read some old emails, shouldn't have.. Idiot. She always was right, one of the last lines; "I'll be missing you for an eternity" is what did me in again, that's how I still feel. Don't know if she still does, but can't make her feel it again, still I need to write her, show my support, because it is me, I used to be someone important in her life, why I even decided to leave her, I don't know, guess I'll have to thank the avoidance personality disorder for that, too emotionally weak and insecure. Add that one to the list, it's the hardest one to admit, how comorbid can you get? Nothing I write could make up for all these lost years, everything I say is a reminder I wasn't there for her, so why now of all times? Because it's too late? Can't even tell her I'm happy for her, can't apologize, can't ask for forgiveness, can't tell her it's going to be fine, can't say anything cause it will all lead to me or her reliving the past, it's just going to be a set up for me telling her everything I'm going through right now anyways, can't be good for the both of us. I don't know, she's been in far more serious relationships than what we ever had together, she's in one right now, but she always knew how I felt about her, is it just all in my mind again, or am I right somewhere? I hate autism, yeah I read into things too much, it all means more to me than you or anyone else, her too probably. Why even ask when you guys don't know her, don't know me, don't know what we've been through, just so tired of myself, it's absolutely venting. Just keep telling yourself it'll be fine when you know it isn't.

I really need to see a psychiatrist before I even think about sending anything, lol, maybe a good idea before I post here too. Still need to go through sobering up before I do that apparently, because supposedly that's the right course of action, but I really want to start the other way round, weed still keeps me somewhat sane. Researched the place she sent me to, really don't like it, already talked twice to my doc, going to see her next wednesday again, but I'm sick of telling her the same things, sick of going through the same things myself, over and over. I need to make an appointment, see what they're all about, but so far I've just contemplated, been biding my time, hoping it'd all blow over like my friends keep telling me. But yeah, if it did I'd be back in the same place anyways, miserable, what a joke. Someone kick me over there already. This is what you get when you ignore 30+ years of psychiatric problems and think you can fix everything on your own. I was doing pretty good a couple of years ago tbh, lol.

LENOOOORE
 

Quere

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 3, 2017
Messages
443
Sigh, I guess it is venting. Nothing has changed, thought I was doing a little better last week, then read some old emails, shouldn't have.. Idiot. She always was right, one of the last lines; "I'll be missing you for an eternity" is what did me in again, that's how I still feel. Don't know if she still does, but can't make her feel it again, still I need to write her, show my support, because it is me, I used to be someone important in her life, why I even decided to leave her, I don't know, guess I'll have to thank the avoidance personality disorder for that, too emotionally weak and insecure. Add that one to the list, it's the hardest one to admit, how comorbid can you get? Nothing I write could make up for all these lost years, everything I say is a reminder I wasn't there for her, so why now of all times? Because it's too late? Can't even tell her I'm happy for her, can't apologize, can't ask for forgiveness, can't tell her it's going to be fine, can't say anything cause it will all lead to me or her reliving the past, it's just going to be a set up for me telling her everything I'm going through right now anyways, can't be good for the both of us. I don't know, she's been in far more serious relationships than what we ever had together, she's in one right now, but she always knew how I felt about her, is it just all in my mind again, or am I right somewhere? I hate autism, yeah I read into things too much, it all means more to me than you or anyone else, her too probably. Why even ask when you guys don't know her, don't know me, don't know what we've been through, just so tired of myself, it's absolutely venting. Just keep telling yourself it'll be fine when you know it isn't.

I really need to see a psychiatrist before I even think about sending anything, lol, maybe a good idea before I post here too. Still need to go through sobering up before I do that apparently, because supposedly that's the right course of action, but I really want to start the other way round, weed still keeps me somewhat sane. Researched the place she sent me to, really don't like it, already talked twice to my doc, going to see her next wednesday again, but I'm sick of telling her the same things, sick of going through the same things myself, over and over. I need to make an appointment, see what they're all about, but so far I've just contemplated, been biding my time, hoping it'd all blow over like my friends keep telling me. But yeah, if it did I'd be back in the same place anyways, miserable, what a joke. Someone kick me over there already. This is what you get when you ignore 30+ years of psychiatric problems and think you can fix everything on your own. I was doing pretty good a couple of years ago tbh, lol.

LENOOOORE
Hey man just read through your thread and there's one thing I want to point out.

Whoever has been telling you that you should be clean before starting therapy/treatment for your mental health, is IMO completely wrong.

Everything I've read over the years suggests the opposite, that someone with comorbid addictions and mental illness is highly unlikely to ever be able to clean up without first having their mental health treated.

It definitely sounds like your drug use is a consequence/self-medicating of your mental health issues and all the pain you're holding inside of you.

If your Dr says you can't start treatment until you're clean I would suggest finding a new doctor.

I have only been able to get my drug use to a manageable level through treatment of my underlying mental health problems with medications and (much more importantly) long term therapy.

I believed I would never be able to cope with living an adult life in our society and believed I was going to die before I became an adult from the age of 12 but now I am studying and working part time (for the first time in a decade!) so I'm sure you can get better too.

Hang in there and keep venting if it helps!
 

Blowmonkey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 15, 2003
Messages
12,453
Location
No
Oh yeah, but they probably want a formal diagnosis before taking any real action, can't do that when you're chainsmoking weed. Frankly, I don't really care what I have exactly, wether it's asperger or pdd-nos (probably the latter), or if this is the only personality disorder I have (it's not), it doesn't matter. Sigh, you can go through all the personality disorders listed and I can find a thing or four applicable to myself throughout the years, from paranoid, schizoid, antisocial, dependent, borderline, narcissistic, histrionic, obsessive compulsive, avoidant, I can go on, what else is there? Basically just like someone with a real personality, as if I were an actual, genuine human being, but exaggerated. This sudden loss of all hope and sense of urgency to fix myself after hitting double depression again is another sign it's not only avoidance, but at least several others as well. It pretty much all overlaps anyways, you're not allowed to think out of the box or have differing opinions, you just need a bunch of labels and a lot of medication. Still think the whole profession is built on loose sand, astrology or psychology, you be the judge. It's why I gave up reading about it, it's why I've always refused help as well (or is it because of the disorders, ha), it will only amount to people telling me what I already know about myself and me getting frustrated with them, myself and the whole process. Don't want it, but apparently still need it, so conflicted. The last few years though, avoidance has been the most prevalent again, each time her name dropped these eidetic emotional memories pop up, which I try to smoke away. No amount of any drug has ever succeeded in doing this however, but that's my ocd, pretty rampant now.

Tomorrow I'll see what they have to say at this 12 step program, probably just leave it at that, shouldn't have even mentioned the psychiatry route. Especially not after all the news last week about the failing mental health system overhere. Imagine having to wait over half a year to get help if you say you're suicidal, lmao. Hey, can you like wait a couple of months maybe? In the meantime just hang yourse, I mean, hang on! It scares the fuck out of me knowing your prognosis is bleak and I probably have a little longer to go than only those few appointments, just hope I can ride out these coming weeks, see if they can teach me anything I didn't know already, maybe find alternatives in the meantime. At the very least it's going to keep me busy, it's only 2 weeks of 9-5, after that I can go back to smoking weed. No wait, ah shit, yeah, not a chance. Well at least I tried? Maybe it'll save me 350 if I cancel now.

Thanks for the words of confidence btw, hope I'll grow up one day, ehe. Last couple days were slightly better, comparatively anyways. Lot's of dillinger, glassjaw and faith no more have been my daily recipe for the mornings, the noise is soothing. What matters is I still suck and need to change. Change damnit.

^ So I wrote the above yesterday, never posted it, just came back from that place. Ofcourse I arrived high, they were not amused, told this guy I was going to get high after the interview as well. Something about disrespectful, lol, not off to a good start. Was asked about my drug usage again after having filled out a questionnaire earlier last week about this very same thing, got asked what prompted me to find help, told him my doc, then short version. How do you make your money? Haha, next question. They don't really care about labeling, good, neither do I, but saying all I need to do is just man up and quit smoking weed still came across a little condescending. That's what it comes down to though, man up you fucking pussy, but easier said than done. I don't want to sabotage myself or these people, but I already have in my mind. It didn't feel right, all those short motivational speeches and analogies to drug usage and addiction just made me zone out. Reassuring me with consoling words like you're the victim in all of this and blaming my high sensitivity for my situation, then trying to scare me telling me I won't live to 40 wasn't helping either. Same with mentioning every trace of drugs and paraphernelia should be erased from my house, this will never happen. Woke up again when they said 2 weeks wasn't gonna cut it and they were looking at 5 or maybe even the 9 week version at their facility overseas. I don't think sending me off to africa for 9 weeks will fix anything, holy shit, what about ebola? Lmao, made a new appointment 2 weeks from now to re-evaluate, but I'm just laughing now, laugh crying, ha ha. Oh boy. Maybe I should just meekly go along with whatever they say, let it all just happen, do I really care anymore? I don't trust my own judgement, might as well trust these people, at least they have good intentions. Fucking south africa though, rofl, why do these people get government funding?

I'll have to decline obviously, but it did brighten my mood somewhat, thinking about how the natives would kill me after inevitably giving them lip. I'll reconsider the 5 week treatment, knowing that 2 weeks will never cut it, I don't even know if 5 will, but hey, I'm not going to africa. :ROFLMAO:
 

Blowmonkey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 15, 2003
Messages
12,453
Location
No
I know right? Try explaining what I have, lol. Nearly impossible. I'm pretty tired of having to already, had the same conversation at the doctors office today. Tell her this passive agressive approach to solving my drug abuse is unlikely to work for a person with my disorders, it just makes me reciprocate with more of the same, she gives me a pamphlet of a different clinic. Look at it, >12 steps again, minnesota model, hehe. Exactly the same. I don't think I have much of a choice with any institution in this country. Not that I've extensively searched either, I really don't have the energy, but there must be something. Neurotherapy? I dunno. 2 weeks left to make up my mind. They already told me "now don't go smoking more because you know you're gonna quit soon", but I'm a child, reverse psychology works on me. So it's what I'm doing right now, put globs of hash oil on everything, stuff needs to go right?

Not really, but it hasn't made me smoke any less, yet.
Just sending you a long hug from a pretty girl.

Everything is going to be alright. It is.

❤
Aww, you're a good liar. <3 I'll take it though.
 

Painful One

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Messages
3,360
Nah, I wasn’t lying.

I know things are tough man. I do. I understand depression and I am understanding about brain disease and movement disorder and other unpleasant things now too.
Things seem to be far from okay, I know. But I have had a near death experience and I have seen the other side. I know who and what we are and I know you are way tougher than you know. I have faith in you.

Give em hell Child! 😃
 

Benzorider

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 17, 2004
Messages
923
Location
Sweden
I know right? Try explaining what I have, lol. Nearly impossible. I'm pretty tired of having to already, had the same conversation at the doctors office today. Tell her this passive agressive approach to solving my drug abuse is unlikely to work for a person with my disorders, it just makes me reciprocate with more of the same, she gives me a pamphlet of a different clinic. Look at it, >12 steps again, minnesota model, hehe. Exactly the same. I don't think I have much of a choice with any institution in this country. Not that I've extensively searched either, I really don't have the energy, but there must be something. Neurotherapy? I dunno. 2 weeks left to make up my mind. They already told me "now don't go smoking more because you know you're gonna quit soon", but I'm a child, reverse psychology works on me. So it's what I'm doing right now, put globs of hash oil on everything, stuff needs to go right?

Not really, but it hasn't made me smoke any less, yet.

Aww, you're a good liar. <3 I'll take it though.
Narconon is a great choice if you dont want the 12 steps bullshit.
 

Blowmonkey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 15, 2003
Messages
12,453
Location
No
^ Just looked it up, no no no, lol. First thing they want to make you do is look someone else in the eyes for a couple of hours, I'm on the spectrum, eyes are literally the windows to someone's soul, I can't look at them for extended periods of time. Projection, transference, it plagues me. Don't put me through that right now. Next thing you know Tom Cruise enters the sauna because he heard your thetan levels are through the roof, this is how they pick their victims, rip Shelly Miscavige. Thanks for thinking with me though, really is appreciated.

I miscalculated and only have 3 days left btw, 2 days in advance to cancel, so that's tomorrow. I'm going to try it, but this is leading nowhere already. They frustrate me, so I will frustrate them, ehh. I'll opt for 2 weeks 9-5, see what happens, I'm not expecting anything.

I know who and what we are and I know you are way tougher than you know. I have faith in you.

Give em hell Child! 😃
Haha, I might just be way weaker than what everyone assumes. ;) Can't deal with my physical pain either, especially during these severe depressions, thanks fibro. No, I'm such a fucking pussy when I read about everyone else's problems, people say it helps, to put things into perspective, but all it does is make me feel like an asshole.

Despite feeling slightly better compared to a couple of weeks ago, my outlook is still grim af.
 
Last edited:

GENGAR

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 14, 2019
Messages
670
Location
New England
I know right? Try explaining what I have, lol. Nearly impossible. I'm pretty tired of having to already, had the same conversation at the doctors office today. Tell her this passive agressive approach to solving my drug abuse is unlikely to work for a person with my disorders, it just makes me reciprocate with more of the same, she gives me a pamphlet of a different clinic. Look at it, >12 steps again, minnesota model, hehe. Exactly the same. I don't think I have much of a choice with any institution in this country. Not that I've extensively searched either, I really don't have the energy, but there must be something. Neurotherapy? I dunno. 2 weeks left to make up my mind. They already told me "now don't go smoking more because you know you're gonna quit soon", but I'm a child, reverse psychology works on me. So it's what I'm doing right now, put globs of hash oil on everything, stuff needs to go right?

Not really, but it hasn't made me smoke any less, yet.

Aww, you're a good liar. <3 I'll take it though.
I feel you on that. There is little good help for people suffering with depression. The best thing to do is take your meds as prescribed and hope for the best
 

Painful One

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Messages
3,360
Learn how to meditate.
meditation has been the number one thing that helps me.

No way could I deal with the 12 step thing either.

You are very, very sensitive. Empath. You have trouble even looking someone in the eye. You know it is the window to the soul.
Just like I have always been too. But you know what I have found? Sensitivity is a STRENGTH and a gift! One you can use to your advantage if you learn to use it correctly. Meditation will teach you. You have this knowledge inside, you just have to quiet your mind enough to let yourself teach you. You can do anything you want to.

I would be happy to instruct you if you want to give it a try. Or just start trying before you fall asleep at night.
 

Painful One

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Messages
3,360
Also, don’t forget about music!
music therapy!!

Get your daily music in. Music that makes you feel better.

Life is better when you move in stereo anyway.
 

Mafioso

Moderator: TDS
Staff member
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
3,926
Location
TDS
seems like finding a sober house or inpatient to prevent you from smoking, and allowing your body to detox(yes, mild physical and psychological withdrawal can happen from cannabis use, especially daily for long time- I struggle with eating and sleeping without it, mood is bad). Even just a friends/family's house that you can stay at while you get treatment.

While at the sober house or inpatient, ideally you'd be working with 2 counselors/therapist who are collaborating, one would be a drug counselor the other a reg therapist to deal with trauma, etc. Even just staying at a sober friend/family's house while seeing a drug counselor 1-2+/week and therapist for whatever other issue 1-2+/week should help you out a lot.

Unfortunately, these places are far less common than they should be, so it might be up to you to assemble your team. And it might not be cheap either, although if you are doing out patient/staying at a friends, you should be able to find some counselors/therapists within reason, at least a lot cheaper than through a rehab(who will profit off them on top of their wages).

With cannabis, I find the first 1-2 weeks the most difficult, as my sleep and eating is pretty heavily disrupted, as well as mood. After that, I start to get normal appetite and far better sleep, mood levels out and all that alone makes the cravings subside substantially. I notice I an thinking more clearly and although I still crave the feeling of being stoned, it isn't as intense. Instead of it feeling like I need to smoke to be OK, it's like I want to smoke to go have fun. Also, the more I smoke(in terms of quantity mostly, but also frequency), the stronger of urges I get. I find that "tapering" or slowly lowering the amount and frequency that I smoke can help me to manage my urges to use.

I think if you were at least attempting to quit on your own, a therapist might be more cooporative- but some believe the drug use will impede/prevent progress, and/or that no diagnosis can be made until some sobriety time has been established, so one can be sure it isn't the drug symptoms determining the diagnosis.

and no shame, out of all the drugs I've been addicted to, including benzos and opioids, cannabis has been the hardest for me to quit. I know a lot of people who have quit harder drugs using cannabis as a sort of replacement, and do not consider cannabis a "real" drug. I get what they are saying, and somewhat I agree, but truth is, cannabis can be very addicting to some people and not so much for others. Lots of factors.. don't judge yourself because others are different, just try to focus on working from where you are with who you are. Focus on your struggle, not others.
 
Last edited:

Blowmonkey

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 15, 2003
Messages
12,453
Location
No
The best thing to do is take your meds as prescribed and hope for the best
The thing is, I've prescribed myself, I'm self medicating with one of the things that has seemingly worked for me. I will absolutely refuse ssri's or antipsychotics, I've been prescribed amitryptaline when I got the tinnitus, it mostly helped with that, but the depression didn't get any better, no significant difference compared to placebo. Same with tianeptine, prescribed myself, telling myself it helped for a while; I even remember writing on here feeling "content", but yeah, nothing really. The worst thing about the amitryptaline was that they didn't even want to ween me off, stood there in the doctor's office, jolts shooting down my spine, can you please refill my script one last time? They were eyeing me like I was a fucking junkie, while I'm going cold turkey on some shitty ancient TCA, horrible stuff. I haven't kept up with all the new novel antidepressants coming out lately, but the one that interested me the most back 10 years ago was agomelatine, I'd have a go at that if suggested, but still unlikely.

Learn how to meditate.
meditation has been the number one thing that helps me.

No way could I deal with the 12 step thing either.

You are very, very sensitive. Empath. You have trouble even looking someone in the eye. You know it is the window to the soul.
Just like I have always been too. But you know what I have found? Sensitivity is a STRENGTH and a gift! One you can use to your advantage if you learn to use it correctly. Meditation will teach you. You have this knowledge inside, you just have to quiet your mind enough to let yourself teach you. You can do anything you want to.

I would be happy to instruct you if you want to give it a try. Or just start trying before you fall asleep at night.
So that's two for giving hell and two for meditation, got it. Hmm, I dunno, quieting my mind seems impossible without preoccupations or the aid of drugs, but it's not like I remember really ever giving it a fair try either, I've never been that open to it, unconscious bias, or conscious, not sure. Meditation is incredibly hard for someone like me, what I've gathered from it anyways. Trying to quiet your mind when you're alone with your pain and tinnitus and have a certain degree of add going on, how am I ever going to hyperfocus on nothing without letting my thoughts wander? I'm quick to give up on things when I notice it will take me too long to master, I seek out things that interest me, this never really did.

We should give lobotomy a second chance tbh, identify the problem area's with neural imaging, then poke it with a needle.
Also, don’t forget about music!
music therapy!!

Get your daily music in. Music that makes you feel better.

Life is better when you move in stereo anyway.
I do listen to music, but it mostly makes me deeply melancholic, a lot of the things I listen to remind me of her? Saudade, it makes me wanna sudoku. Some things that made me happy before will probably forever be connotated to that state of mind now. Guess it's a form of therapy, here music, take my memories of her with you.

It's like music as a whole recognized that I was feeling like shit and put out a load of continuous shit as well, the occasional good songs coinciding with me feeling better, it's a problem, curse you autotune. No, that saying that music makes the biggest impression on you up till ~25 is kinda true, I really don't seek it out as much anymore. I'm too stuck in the 90's early 2000's.

seems like finding a sober house or inpatient to prevent you from smoking, and allowing your body to detox(yes, mild physical and psychological withdrawal can happen from cannabis use, especially daily for long time- I struggle with eating and sleeping without it, mood is bad). Even just a friends/family's house that you can stay at while you get treatment.

While at the sober house or inpatient, ideally you'd be working with 2 counselors/therapist who are collaborating, one would be a drug counselor the other a reg therapist to deal with trauma, etc. Even just staying at a sober friend/family's house while seeing a drug counselor 1-2+/week and therapist for whatever other issue 1-2+/week should help you out a lot.

Unfortunately, these places are far less common than they should be, so it might be up to you to assemble your team. And it might not be cheap either, although if you are doing out patient/staying at a friends, you should be able to find some counselors/therapists within reason, at least a lot cheaper than through a rehab(who will profit off them on top of their wages).

With cannabis, I find the first 1-2 weeks the most difficult, as my sleep and eating is pretty heavily disrupted, as well as mood. After that, I start to get normal appetite and far better sleep, mood levels out and all that alone makes the cravings subside substantially. I notice I an thinking more clearly and although I still crave the feeling of being stoned, it isn't as intense. Instead of it feeling like I need to smoke to be OK, it's like I want to smoke to go have fun. Also, the more I smoke(in terms of quantity mostly, but also frequency), the stronger of urges I get. I find that "tapering" or slowly lowering the amount and frequency that I smoke can help me to manage my urges to use.

I think if you were at least attempting to quit on your own, a therapist might be more cooporative- but some believe the drug use will impede/prevent progress, and/or that no diagnosis can be made until some sobriety time has been established, so one can be sure it isn't the drug symptoms determining the diagnosis.

and no shame, out of all the drugs I've been addicted to, including benzos and opioids, cannabis has been the hardest for me to quit. I know a lot of people who have quit harder drugs using cannabis as a sort of replacement, and do not consider cannabis a "real" drug. I get what they are saying, and somewhat I agree, but truth is, cannabis can be very addicting to some people and not so much for others. Lots of factors.. don't judge yourself because others are different, just try to focus on working from where you are with who you are. Focus on your struggle, not others.
Yeah, cannabis seems so benign, and it really is compared to most anything, not for me though. I know about the withdrawal symptoms, I've been getting so much shit for years trying to explain it to people, it mostly falls on deaf ears, noone wants to hear it. Sure it's not much, but it's definitely real. Not like there's many people who smoke as much daily for such long periods of time as I do, bit easier to spot maybe with all those strong synthetics and the dab culture nowadays. It seems to be contained to people with a lot of psychological problems anyways, there's always comorbodity. I don't know if 2 weeks will take care of the brainfog though, that will last months, if not forever. Loading up on nootropics and all kinds of supplements didn't help either last time. It's fun and paranoia inducing when you read that years of cannabis (ab)use leads to a decrease in hypothalamus and amygdala functioning, while I'm not all too bothered with having a permanently shrunken amygdala, it's still not conducive to my mental state to know your brain has literally gone down the shitter. Withdrawal symptoms are not that severe, nothing life threathening anyways; appetite is completely gone, headaches, liquid shits, lmao, cold sweats, restless leg syndrome, complete lack of energy, flu like symptoms, general malaise, extreme irritability, anxiety, paranoia, depression, catching sleep is even more difficult than before, quality of sleep too, the dreams, oh my god the dreams. I know they'll revolve around her this time around, I've already had a couple despite my heavy usage. Last time I quit I was so convinced I had murdered someone, way too real, talk about nightmares. But yeah, it's nothing compared to withdrawal from G or benzo's, or even antidepressants, even though I haven't had much trouble with all of them, because it's popping a pill, or putting it in your drink, who cares. It's the act of smoking and then quickly feeling some effect and relief, purely psychological, nothing is able to substitute that, tobacco is close, but shit doesn't really do anything. Weed tastes so much better too, sigh, I'll have weeddreams, hopefully, they should be the least of my worries.

I thought about moving in with friends or my mom for a short moment, but I've decided to give away everything I have instead, had way more than I thought, rofl. Couple pounds of pollen, pound of blueberry, all I have left is a small jar of g-13 haze I just found again, hiding between the empty mason jars. Bought a couple grams of some OG kush, amnesia and C5 haze to get me through these coming days, usually the same amount of blueberry I smoke daily, but since this is better stuff, it hopefully should last a little longer. I have untill tuesday btw, 24 and 29 start looking alike when you glance over it. It's another intake with the same counseler I think, followed by a psychiatrist's appointment, I don't know if I can still say no after the first appointment, but whatever, I'll let it happen. I can always give up, but addict will forever be on my medical record, more consequences, great. Quitting on my own is really going to be impossible in this sorry state I'm in now, I really just wanted help asap, if this is what's needed, so be it.

And by the time I was done writing this, nearly a third was gone already, oops, thank god for the g-13. That kush is so dry, smells kinda green hayish too, everytime I buy some OG kush it's a dissapointment, doesn't matter what place I get it from. The C5 is good, but smells too much like an amnesia, so it probably is. Pity, last time I had real C5 was ages ago, won't have some in a while now either. Oh well. Soon I'll have nothing left. Serenity now, insanity later.
 
Top