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Venting Didn't wanna come back for this, but whatever

Blowmonkey

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Aug 15, 2003
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So I'm completely done, again. Last time I broke down like this I walked away from everything, including bl, sorry for that, sorry I never said anything, it's what I do. The fact I suddenly had to live with pretty debilitating tinnitus and 2 cats dying in a short timeframe, it just wrecked me for about a year. Actually stopped doing drugs for 4-5 months during that time, still went back to weed though, it's one of my coping mechanisms, I recognize it's completely broken. I've had no trouble quitting everything else, from years of psychs, gbl, benzo's, alcohol, but weed just seems impossible to me. I don't even want or know how to stop anymore. Imagine that, I have trouble quitting cannabis, who knew? Been trying to post extremely longwinded material all week, I mean real long, but I guess I have too many trust issues to even be sharing it all on here, it just seems silly and insignificant compared to other people's problems.

Let's just say that nirvana is pretty much all I listen to lately and I completely agree with what he wrote in his last recorded song, like it was written for me. It's about what I did, not what I'm going to do, mind you. Shit, I even kinda look like him now, in his bad years, lol. And ofcourse it's all because of a girl, 15 years later and I'm still way too bothered by letting her go, still love her to death, can't be with her anymore, didn't do anything about it, just ran away from her and all my problems, regret everything right now, don't know what to do with these overwhelming feelings, just lost. I hate this depression, hate my addiction, hate feeling suicidal, hate these selfish thoughts, hate myself, every morning these last few months I wake up in pure panic, can't eat, don't sleep much, just fear, constant pain and anxiety, no way out, boohoo.

Someone please just lie to me and say it's gonna be fine, you'll be my hero. I need some support from people that went through similar feelings, perfect place right? Would you rather have me post on reddit? Terrible site, thanks for ruining the internet guys, appreciated. Share stories, give me a hug, let it be a pretty girl. Hey and while we're hugging, why not just give me your number? We have so much in common, let me fall in love with you and all your psychological scars and drug problems, I don't care if you have night terrors, honestly.

I had so much more written, this is like the 5th revision, but I was sick of writing and reading it all, my mind is so fucking fragile, can barely even handle posting this in fear of being judged, I've been trying to for over more than a week now. If you've never noticed before, I always tried to avoid getting on a personal level as much as I could, it's not only here I do that, it just feels wrong to talk about what I'm going through, to anyone, yeah, I'm a robot. So if you think, ah, he'll be fine, don't worry about it, he put in a couple of lols and some attempts at jokes at the end. No, I wasn't really joking, I've been drinking, I never drink anymore. This is just all you get right now, don't even know if I'll have the heart to look at this after the thread has been made. I hate putting this out in the open, I should consider posting about it a big step in the right direction, but it just feels like a public execution right now. In fact it felt like that a couple of days ago when I saw a bunch of my friends at the reunion of my buddy growthspurt, 13 years since he died; all because I feel like shit and don't want to bother people with these irrational thoughts, it just all came out, I mean they knew I was struggling with depression, but not some of the reasons. It's scary finally admitting you need help and that I can't do it on my own anymore. I'm really not looking forward to any of it, this feels like it's gonna take years and I need my quick fix. Mostly hoping for some closure, I'm so afraid it doesn't exist though, fucking terrified.

I should just go ahead and press enter now before I add more or delete it again, don't even know if this is the right place or if it deserves it's own topic, but I don't really care anymore, had to put it somewhere.



Thanks for listening, bye.

Also hi, I love you guys, missed this place, cried my eyes out looking at all the new names in the shrine, sigh.
 
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mal3volent

Moderator: TDS, S&G, TL
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Hey blowmonkey...welcome back to BL. Glad you decided to post.

I ran away from the person I loved too. When I realized it could never work I ran. Two states away. I didn't ever want to risk running into him ever again. Several years later, I still think about him everyday...and when I'm feeling especially shitty I beat myself up thinking about what if this had happened/what if that had happened. It sucks. I wish I could forget him but at the same time...I don't.

I struggle mostly with benzos and alcohol. I pass out a few hours a night. If I go back to sleep it's all horrible half-wake nightmares. Looks like I check all the boxes, psychological scars...drug problems...and night terrors. Do I win or is my dick gonna be a problem for you? =D Hey you look like Kurt Cobain? That's not too bad. You also like king of the hill...me too...I'd go back and live in the 90s/early oughts if I could.

Venting on BL is the best kind of venting because you're never risking judgement or embarrassment. I couldn't imagine saying some of the the things I say here to people I know IRL.
 

swilow

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Hey mate. I remember you blowmonkey ? correct me if I'm wrong, but you modded PD yeah?

Sorry to hear of your battle here- it sounds like a fucking rough time. Morning panic is something I'm all too familiar with but I gotta say, for me it's eased up- so there's hope man ❤ It would wake me up, and still does sometimes, but it manageable through practising slow breathing. And just practising constantly- I guess it becomes automatic. But even when it's not, anyone can breathe slowly at any time... it is amazing how this helps, not instantly, but within 5-10minutes or so. There's decent scientific evidence for the mechanism behind this too if that interests you...

Honestly though, and I hate to relate your situation back to me like this, but it was the decision to drop the addiction that was ruining my life and had been for 10 years that resolved my fear and self loathing. It was opiates for me, I set a date and have stuck to it for almost 9 months with no temptation to go back- all I have to do is remember that morning panic and self hatred and that seems enough to disincentivise me. It is the darkest period of my life that I refer back to if ever I am tempted. Sometimes, suffering is what we need to move forward into something better.

Let us know how you are mate. It would be fantastic to see you posting here again... ❤
 

Blowmonkey

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Aug 15, 2003
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Hi, how are you. Thanks guys. I know, reading it sounds pretty collected, but I'm far from calm. It's easier to put on a facade on the internet if you have taken some time to write it all out, especially assisted by some liquid confidence. Substance abuse dulls the emotions, so that's probably why it comes across like that. I used to mod CD when it first started, also nmi, felt like shit and didn't log on for a while, got 'fired', lol, came back, applied for pd I think after xorkoth asked early '11, but around that time I hit double depression for the first time in my life, needed to get away from everything, others deserved it more anyways. After losing my old email account and bl pw I never loggged on anymore, sometimes lurked though, set up my old account again to contact her as I'm not going on facebook, but I wound up here instead. Still haven't sent her anything.


What was I looking to do? I guess writing to forget, writing to remember myself that I need to change. That I can't shake this addiction, all my problems or my feelings for her without finally addressing them, probably in sobriety, probably with lot's of therapy, in whatever form necessary. I keep writing and writing and this did feel like the perfect place to put some of that. I need to break the cycle and start somewhere, but at this point I just feel unable to do anything. I just feel empty and done, I can't cry right now, but the smallest things will make me cry. My depression hit double depression, again. I need incentive, I need purpose, I need to find something to take my mind of off stupid things, stupid thoughts. I don't longer want to wake up every morning feeling suicidal and completely worthless. I can't tell her I am, but I really want to speak to her, I haven't in forever even though she reached out to me several times throughout all those years. We were such good friends, until we tried to have a relationship. It's all so irrational, not that love isn't irrational, but I knew we weren't right for each other the way we were back then, the way I was, this on/off love/hate relationship ruined our friendship. Couldn't deal with the fact she started seeing people I knew, out of sight out of mind doesn't work. It all hurt too much, we were hurting too much, didn't want to bother her by being bitter. Thought I was doing the right thing, for me, for her, instead we both lost eachother. I just wanted the both of us to live our lives again by letting her go. She did, she found love again, she's about to have a baby. I'm nowhere in my life, apparently still can't get over her. I'm a mess.


I just can't disturb her happiness right now, it's all she ever wanted. I don't want to share my pain with her, but I have so many questions that I feel like only she can answer. I can't risk making her feel like shit too though, what if something happened, could never forgive myself. I already don't, but I can't ruin her dreams too. The news just really broke me, made me think what the hell I had been doing with my life these last 15 years, wanted to turn everything around asap. These last few years whenever her name got mentioned, each time it just set me back, realized I never fully gave up on her, even all those years later. Never felt good enough to respond or act when she wanted to see me though. Every little thing someone tells me about her now just hurts, can't put it into perspective anymore. All those wasted opportunities, I just regret I didn't seek help sooner, fixed myself, maybe I could've shown her how much I really loved her, this time the right way, maybe it would've given me at least some form of closure if it didn't work out anyways, I'm kicking myself now for not having done anything. Maybe we could've just rekindled the friendship, I dunno, it all sounds stupid when I really think about it anyways, we could never make it work before, I just miss her, miss loving someone. Only ever felt love for a couple of girls as much as I did, haven't been able to find that feeling with anyone else since. Never really could make a relationship work after her, doubting I ever will find someone now, I just don't love myself anymore. She took that part of me with her.

I already went and asked for help, my friends finally know, told my doc, but first thing she said was you need to stop smoking first. I agree it's probably a start, but it only made me smoke more, so I'm back where I started. I feel like it's the only thing I have left to dull both this mental and physical pain. I also realize it's not and it's ruining me, I could be highfunctioning, instead I'm just high and functioning, even though barely now. I don't feel like going to the 12 step program she sent me to, should've gone already, never did. Reading stuff like this:
"says he had difficulty with rehab because he was made to spend many hours in group therapy and 12-step programs, including Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. "I've had a really hard time getting into that," he says. When faced with speaking in front of a group or at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, "my mind goes blank," he says. He also had difficulty connecting with other members.
https://www.bluelight.org/xf/threads/autism.878278/#post-14622839 doesn't help either. I mean I know what I need to do when I'm thinking more clearly, kinda. It's just that I'm not really able to right now, I'm doubting everything. I constantly need to be reminded of what I should do, preferably by people that went through similar things, otherwise I'm afraid I'd ignore it. Ofcourse, noone ever really does experience things the same, but just pointing me in the right direction is help enough, I hope, there's not much else you can do anyways. Thanks for the breathing tips, I struggled with chronic hyperventilation, so I know about them. Can't meditate for shit because of the tinnitus, never really was a fan anyways, so that's a no go for anyone wanting to suggest it.

Should I try 12 steps? I think I need to try something, but it all seems impossible right now. I don't want to finally get diagnosed with all their bullshit either, it's not just the depression and addiction, I'm on some spectrum like so many people here, just don't want to go through the system, it scares me. All the consequences,it all goes to shit if they have on paper you're a mental patient, I mean, people that smoke, are fat, they can change something about that, I have to live with this for the rest of my life. Explaining depression to people that have never experienced it is hard, but what about what's wrong with me, I just don't trust people enough to even begin to understand autism when it's such a broad term. Such a stigma, I have smart friends, but rainman is still connotated with it in their minds, come on, lol. Already changed so many things on my own, but I'm not sure what's best for me atm. See how I try and talk myself out of doing something again? My mind is a mess, don't trust myself with anything anymore, every decision I made seems like it's been wrong now, all I think about when I wake up is stopping this neverending pain, it's involuntary. I mean telling people about it is a cry for help, having the thoughts isn't. It's just one of those last calming things to cling to for a mind on the brink. I seriously don't want to kill myself, but I've never felt so close. Way too scared to keep living like this forever. I feel like I literally wasted my life not doing something about these feelings, my issues, all of it. I don't know what to do, scared that I'll never find a good substitute for dealing with myself without drugs, that I'll be prescribed all kinds of shitty antidepressants, that no amount of therapy will ever fix these unresolved feelings, it just seems to get worse every day now, what do I even need to do anymore, tell me, I'll take any advice, I need lot's of it.


There. Load of garbage. I hope you understand my position a little better now, or maybe I've only confused you, who cares, this is about as personal as I've ever gotten on the internet, it's not even a relief getting it off my chest, it sucks. Telling people you're a wreck, who's ever gotten better from that? Maybe whoever reads it, feeling better about yourself? So to recap, heartbroken, addiction, depression, suicidal thoughts, autism, probably some form of ptsd, what else. Oh right, physical pain, not a small part in the whole equation either, but let's not dwell on that.
 

Blowmonkey

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Messages
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Sigh, I guess it is venting. Nothing has changed, thought I was doing a little better last week, then read some old emails, shouldn't have.. Idiot. She always was right, one of the last lines; "I'll be missing you for an eternity" is what did me in again, that's how I still feel. Don't know if she still does, but can't make her feel it again, still I need to write her, show my support, because it is me, I used to be someone important in her life, why I even decided to leave her, I don't know, guess I'll have to thank the avoidance personality disorder for that, too emotionally weak and insecure. Add that one to the list, it's the hardest one to admit, how comorbid can you get? Nothing I write could make up for all these lost years, everything I say is a reminder I wasn't there for her, so why now of all times? Because it's too late? Can't even tell her I'm happy for her, can't apologize, can't ask for forgiveness, can't tell her it's going to be fine, can't say anything cause it will all lead to me or her reliving the past, it's just going to be a set up for me telling her everything I'm going through right now anyways, can't be good for the both of us. I don't know, she's been in far more serious relationships than what we ever had together, she's in one right now, but she always knew how I felt about her, is it just all in my mind again, or am I right somewhere? I hate autism, yeah I read into things too much, it all means more to me than you or anyone else, her too probably. Why even ask when you guys don't know her, don't know me, don't know what we've been through, just so tired of myself, it's absolutely venting. Just keep telling yourself it'll be fine when you know it isn't.

I really need to see a psychiatrist before I even think about sending anything, lol, maybe a good idea before I post here too. Still need to go through sobering up before I do that apparently, because supposedly that's the right course of action, but I really want to start the other way round, weed still keeps me somewhat sane. Researched the place she sent me to, really don't like it, already talked twice to my doc, going to see her next wednesday again, but I'm sick of telling her the same things, sick of going through the same things myself, over and over. I need to make an appointment, see what they're all about, but so far I've just contemplated, been biding my time, hoping it'd all blow over like my friends keep telling me. But yeah, if it did I'd be back in the same place anyways, miserable, what a joke. Someone kick me over there already. This is what you get when you ignore 30+ years of psychiatric problems and think you can fix everything on your own. I was doing pretty good a couple of years ago tbh, lol.

LENOOOORE
 

Quere

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Joined
Aug 3, 2017
Messages
351
Sigh, I guess it is venting. Nothing has changed, thought I was doing a little better last week, then read some old emails, shouldn't have.. Idiot. She always was right, one of the last lines; "I'll be missing you for an eternity" is what did me in again, that's how I still feel. Don't know if she still does, but can't make her feel it again, still I need to write her, show my support, because it is me, I used to be someone important in her life, why I even decided to leave her, I don't know, guess I'll have to thank the avoidance personality disorder for that, too emotionally weak and insecure. Add that one to the list, it's the hardest one to admit, how comorbid can you get? Nothing I write could make up for all these lost years, everything I say is a reminder I wasn't there for her, so why now of all times? Because it's too late? Can't even tell her I'm happy for her, can't apologize, can't ask for forgiveness, can't tell her it's going to be fine, can't say anything cause it will all lead to me or her reliving the past, it's just going to be a set up for me telling her everything I'm going through right now anyways, can't be good for the both of us. I don't know, she's been in far more serious relationships than what we ever had together, she's in one right now, but she always knew how I felt about her, is it just all in my mind again, or am I right somewhere? I hate autism, yeah I read into things too much, it all means more to me than you or anyone else, her too probably. Why even ask when you guys don't know her, don't know me, don't know what we've been through, just so tired of myself, it's absolutely venting. Just keep telling yourself it'll be fine when you know it isn't.

I really need to see a psychiatrist before I even think about sending anything, lol, maybe a good idea before I post here too. Still need to go through sobering up before I do that apparently, because supposedly that's the right course of action, but I really want to start the other way round, weed still keeps me somewhat sane. Researched the place she sent me to, really don't like it, already talked twice to my doc, going to see her next wednesday again, but I'm sick of telling her the same things, sick of going through the same things myself, over and over. I need to make an appointment, see what they're all about, but so far I've just contemplated, been biding my time, hoping it'd all blow over like my friends keep telling me. But yeah, if it did I'd be back in the same place anyways, miserable, what a joke. Someone kick me over there already. This is what you get when you ignore 30+ years of psychiatric problems and think you can fix everything on your own. I was doing pretty good a couple of years ago tbh, lol.

LENOOOORE
Hey man just read through your thread and there's one thing I want to point out.

Whoever has been telling you that you should be clean before starting therapy/treatment for your mental health, is IMO completely wrong.

Everything I've read over the years suggests the opposite, that someone with comorbid addictions and mental illness is highly unlikely to ever be able to clean up without first having their mental health treated.

It definitely sounds like your drug use is a consequence/self-medicating of your mental health issues and all the pain you're holding inside of you.

If your Dr says you can't start treatment until you're clean I would suggest finding a new doctor.

I have only been able to get my drug use to a manageable level through treatment of my underlying mental health problems with medications and (much more importantly) long term therapy.

I believed I would never be able to cope with living an adult life in our society and believed I was going to die before I became an adult from the age of 12 but now I am studying and working part time (for the first time in a decade!) so I'm sure you can get better too.

Hang in there and keep venting if it helps!
 

Blowmonkey

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Oh yeah, but they probably want a formal diagnosis before taking any real action, can't do that when you're chainsmoking weed. Frankly, I don't really care what I have exactly, wether it's asperger or pdd-nos (probably the latter), or if this is the only personality disorder I have (it's not), it doesn't matter. Sigh, you can go through all the personality disorders listed and I can find a thing or four applicable to myself throughout the years, from paranoid, schizoid, antisocial, dependent, borderline, narcissistic, histrionic, obsessive compulsive, avoidant, I can go on, what else is there? Basically just like someone with a real personality, as if I were an actual, genuine human being, but exaggerated. This sudden loss of all hope and sense of urgency to fix myself after hitting double depression again is another sign it's not only avoidance, but at least several others as well. It pretty much all overlaps anyways, you're not allowed to think out of the box or have differing opinions, you just need a bunch of labels and a lot of medication. Still think the whole profession is built on loose sand, astrology or psychology, you be the judge. It's why I gave up reading about it, it's why I've always refused help as well (or is it because of the disorders, ha), it will only amount to people telling me what I already know about myself and me getting frustrated with them, myself and the whole process. Don't want it, but apparently still need it, so conflicted. The last few years though, avoidance has been the most prevalent again, each time her name dropped these eidetic emotional memories pop up, which I try to smoke away. No amount of any drug has ever succeeded in doing this however, but that's my ocd, pretty rampant now.

Tomorrow I'll see what they have to say at this 12 step program, probably just leave it at that, shouldn't have even mentioned the psychiatry route. Especially not after all the news last week about the failing mental health system overhere. Imagine having to wait over half a year to get help if you say you're suicidal, lmao. Hey, can you like wait a couple of months maybe? In the meantime just hang yourse, I mean, hang on! It scares the fuck out of me knowing your prognosis is bleak and I probably have a little longer to go than only those few appointments, just hope I can ride out these coming weeks, see if they can teach me anything I didn't know already, maybe find alternatives in the meantime. At the very least it's going to keep me busy, it's only 2 weeks of 9-5, after that I can go back to smoking weed. No wait, ah shit, yeah, not a chance. Well at least I tried? Maybe it'll save me 350 if I cancel now.

Thanks for the words of confidence btw, hope I'll grow up one day, ehe. Last couple days were slightly better, comparatively anyways. Lot's of dillinger, glassjaw and faith no more have been my daily recipe for the mornings, the noise is soothing. What matters is I still suck and need to change. Change damnit.

^ So I wrote the above yesterday, never posted it, just came back from that place. Ofcourse I arrived high, they were not amused, told this guy I was going to get high after the interview as well. Something about disrespectful, lol, not off to a good start. Was asked about my drug usage again after having filled out a questionnaire earlier last week about this very same thing, got asked what prompted me to find help, told him my doc, then short version. How do you make your money? Haha, next question. They don't really care about labeling, good, neither do I, but saying all I need to do is just man up and quit smoking weed still came across a little condescending. That's what it comes down to though, man up you fucking pussy, but easier said than done. I don't want to sabotage myself or these people, but I already have in my mind. It didn't feel right, all those short motivational speeches and analogies to drug usage and addiction just made me zone out. Reassuring me with consoling words like you're the victim in all of this and blaming my high sensitivity for my situation, then trying to scare me telling me I won't live to 40 wasn't helping either. Same with mentioning every trace of drugs and paraphernelia should be erased from my house, this will never happen. Woke up again when they said 2 weeks wasn't gonna cut it and they were looking at 5 or maybe even the 9 week version at their facility overseas. I don't think sending me off to africa for 9 weeks will fix anything, holy shit, what about ebola? Lmao, made a new appointment 2 weeks from now to re-evaluate, but I'm just laughing now, laugh crying, ha ha. Oh boy. Maybe I should just meekly go along with whatever they say, let it all just happen, do I really care anymore? I don't trust my own judgement, might as well trust these people, at least they have good intentions. Fucking south africa though, rofl, why do these people get government funding?

I'll have to decline obviously, but it did brighten my mood somewhat, thinking about how the natives would kill me after inevitably giving them lip. I'll reconsider the 5 week treatment, knowing that 2 weeks will never cut it, I don't even know if 5 will, but hey, I'm not going to africa. :ROFLMAO:
 

Blowmonkey

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I know right? Try explaining what I have, lol. Nearly impossible. I'm pretty tired of having to already, had the same conversation at the doctors office today. Tell her this passive agressive approach to solving my drug abuse is unlikely to work for a person with my disorders, it just makes me reciprocate with more of the same, she gives me a pamphlet of a different clinic. Look at it, >12 steps again, minnesota model, hehe. Exactly the same. I don't think I have much of a choice with any institution in this country. Not that I've extensively searched either, I really don't have the energy, but there must be something. Neurotherapy? I dunno. 2 weeks left to make up my mind. They already told me "now don't go smoking more because you know you're gonna quit soon", but I'm a child, reverse psychology works on me. So it's what I'm doing right now, put globs of hash oil on everything, stuff needs to go right?

Not really, but it hasn't made me smoke any less, yet.
Just sending you a long hug from a pretty girl.

Everything is going to be alright. It is.

❤
Aww, you're a good liar. <3 I'll take it though.
 

Painful One

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Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Messages
1,207
Nah, I wasn’t lying.

I know things are tough man. I do. I understand depression and I am understanding about brain disease and movement disorder and other unpleasant things now too.
Things seem to be far from okay, I know. But I have had a near death experience and I have seen the other side. I know who and what we are and I know you are way tougher than you know. I have faith in you.

Give em hell Child! 😃
 

Benzorider

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Aug 17, 2004
Messages
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Sweden
I know right? Try explaining what I have, lol. Nearly impossible. I'm pretty tired of having to already, had the same conversation at the doctors office today. Tell her this passive agressive approach to solving my drug abuse is unlikely to work for a person with my disorders, it just makes me reciprocate with more of the same, she gives me a pamphlet of a different clinic. Look at it, >12 steps again, minnesota model, hehe. Exactly the same. I don't think I have much of a choice with any institution in this country. Not that I've extensively searched either, I really don't have the energy, but there must be something. Neurotherapy? I dunno. 2 weeks left to make up my mind. They already told me "now don't go smoking more because you know you're gonna quit soon", but I'm a child, reverse psychology works on me. So it's what I'm doing right now, put globs of hash oil on everything, stuff needs to go right?

Not really, but it hasn't made me smoke any less, yet.

Aww, you're a good liar. <3 I'll take it though.
Narconon is a great choice if you dont want the 12 steps bullshit.
 
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