• 🇬🇧󠁿 🇸🇪 🇿🇦 🇮🇪 🇬🇭 🇩🇪 🇪🇺
    European & African
    Drug Discussion

    Welcome Guest!
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
  • EADD Moderators: axe battler | Pissed_and_messed

dealing with inevitable decline of parents

My grandfather is getting old. The man is the most reliable and solid father figure in my life. He’s still trucking along but at 84 he’s showing his age. I figure I just try to see him as much as possible.

My other grandpa just turned 70 and doesn’t recognize my voice when I call. That’s fucking hard.
 
Luckily, I didn't have to contend with watching my parents' health decline for too long. My dad died suddenly from an aortic aneurysm and my mum had a heart attack closely followed by a stroke that left her in a locked in state for a few weeks at most.

The only advice I can give @chinup is make the most of whatever time you have left and say what you have to say before it gets too late. I didn't get the chance at the end and it's something I will always regret.

<3
 
Last edited:
At 62 I'm thinking more about my own mortality. I'm not at all afraid of dying, but I am afraid of HOW I die. Of course I want to go as quickly and painlessly as possible.

But given the choice of prolonged physical deterioration or of prolonged mental decline, I'll take the former. Alas, considering my genetics and my lifestyle I'll probably suffer from both. 😞
 
Fast eddie clarke had emphysema think he died of pneumonia. After lemmy and philthy died Eddie said "maybe going out at 35 of a massive overdose isnt so bad"
 
yubacity said:
Its hard to see your parents get old My mom had another breast removed because of cancer and has deteriorated a lot this time. Try to talk to your mom and explain your concern other than that there is not a lot you can do I'm afraid
Click to expand...
Im so sorry to hear that
 
Ismene2 said:
Mummy has been poorly of late too - its a difficult thing to deal with - we all die but its a big shock losing family especially if you are a lonely bastard with no friends.
Click to expand...
IME it's the good people in life, sometimes the best who can be the outright loneliest.

It appears ironic but to me it makes sense and says a lot about society.

I don't mean that exclusively of course there are lots of truly good people with very active friendships and full social lives and circles it depends on the individual and situation, personality and nature.

I'm really sorry for you though as well man so difficult to offer any words my own mum is not senile and she's actually physically more well there myself it's more likely that I would succumb first supposing there were another five or 10 years of ordinary living in theory and still anyway but there's really no guarantee or predicting anything and all things could be possible to a degree.

However I do have an insanely severe anxiety disorder and panic condition with major no sensitisation and my mum is a huge difficulty for me because we are polar opposites astrologically and I only live with her because I can't afford my treatment and supplement program and I'm unable to work in any capacity otherwise there would be no point trying to live and be well if we live separate.

I love my mum fully of course she brought me up to the very best of her ability and has made every sacrifice for me her entire life and I would do for her I hold nothing back in that sense but I also desperately desperately need my own personal space to cope with my anxiety and complex mind and imagination and extremely sensitive nature.

The physical nerve damage from long Covid is really massively escalating the nerve sensitisation and inability to calm my mind out of the fight and flight state as the anxiety condition is so extreme.

No my mum is not mentally declining as such and is not dropping physically more than any normal person might be at any stage of life from stress etc and long Covid too.

But I do have an extremely hard time living with her with my nerves so massively sensitised she did have a severe mental and emotional health breakdown about a year ago and I've been supporting her ever since but I've really had to stop telling her anything about me at all recently because she just isn't strong enough and I only talk about things to be natural and open so I don't even say a word to her about my acid taking for the past three months which has been off the scale.

So that's been a disconnect because I try not to be secretive or withheld but it's given me time to do some serious serious deep thinking.

I know this sounds a bit shameful I would happily live in a house right next door see my mum every day do everything and anything for her answer phone calls I've no interest in blocking her out or stopping caring I just want some control over my own space and how my physical nerves are reacting now because the anxiety is so extreme it's impossible for me to relax in order to eat and sleep and achieve anything.
 
F.U.B.A.R. said:
Luckily, I didn't have to contend with watching my parents' health decline for too long. My dad died suddenly from an aortic aneurysm and my mum had a heart attack closely followed by a stroke that left her in a locked in state for a few weeks at most.

The only advice I can give @chinup is make the most of whatever time you have left and say what you have to say before it gets too late. I didn't get the chance at the end and it's something I will always regret.

<3
Click to expand...
Let it warm your heart. It's a lesson, an insight gained and so valuable, but there was only one way to gain it.

I know the same feeling so well.

I have kidked myself for it. Being a dumb, selfish fool. Distracted, wasting time.

Seeking, being bothered by shit that totally doeskin matter if I could do it all again from day one.

For years even, little dreams of past and tears of shame seeing how much more loving, less stressed to the point of selfish withdawal (of emotion not necessarily space), and with no effort at all.

Just, been a much better person. It hurt. But I learnt from it. And I recognised all along exactly what I was learning and grew to appreciate that so those tears gradually became tears of love and joy for the lesson I was blessed with.

Today for the most part I genuinely feel like I am or at least I'm aware how to be that better person and have no motivation or impulse to make the wrong decisions again as I did in past.

So my point is and I can't say anything like this because it's so patronising but I encourage not blaming oneself because it's not like intentional harm or neglect.

It's not your fault its just life it's hard and we learn by it.

Again just my experience and why I regard this.
 
Currently watching my dad in the final stages of ARBD/dementia. He's only 72. Sharp decline over the last 5 years. It's not easy.

Hidden potential consequence of alcohol abuse which few people really talk about.
 
As cs lewis wife says in shadowlands when she tries talking to him about her imminent death- "The pain then is part of the happiness now. Thats the deal"
 
apparently my mum said she would do an econsult thing, i will chase her up on it. she needs to.

now my dad is being in denial, he's had a very straightforward operation (cataract) but it means he's not allowed to drive until a doctor tells him he can. he actually only found out he needed it cos i was getting v stressed being in a car with him cos he obviously couldn't see. i bugged him to get an eye test. anyway, he's still adamant he can drive. he is at least responsible enough not to until he's got the doctors go ahead.

but fucking hell i now understand why old people are such a menace on the roads. between my mum's dodgy hip and my dad's practical blindness, they have maybe one full human that is fit to drive. neither will admit they aren't. which i get, its their independence, its scary. but they both have fixable problems.

on the upside, i'd always hoped my parents would die in a car crash rather than have a long illness so maybe i'll get my wish. just not quite ready yet, i'd imagined having at least another 15 years with them.
 
chinup said:
apparently my mum said she would do an econsult thing, i will chase her up on it. she needs to.

now my dad is being in denial, he's had a very straightforward operation (cataract) but it means he's not allowed to drive until a doctor tells him he can. he actually only found out he needed it cos i was getting v stressed being in a car with him cos he obviously couldn't see. i bugged him to get an eye test. anyway, he's still adamant he can drive. he is at least responsible enough not to until he's got the doctors go ahead.

but fucking hell i now understand why old people are such a menace on the roads. between my mum's dodgy hip and my dad's practical blindness, they have maybe one full human that is fit to drive. neither will admit they aren't. which i get, its their independence, its scary. but they both have fixable problems.

on the upside, i'd always hoped my parents would die in a car crash rather than have a long illness so maybe i'll get my wish. just not quite ready yet, i'd imagined having at least another 15 years with them.
Click to expand...

My gran is in her late 80's, she's a liability on the road. She does 30 in 40 and 40 in a 30, constantly cuts corners curbing the wheels, parking an inch from someone else and taking their door out getting in and out, but blaming them for crap parking. She also has injections in her eyes to try and save her vision, but it's doing jack shit in all honestly. She needs to hand her driving license back. I've told her on many occasion I'll drive her wherever she needs to be, but it's like her giving up her independence. And now my grandads passed, she needs to fill the massive void he has left. I'm honestly scared she's going to bump into someone or hurt someone. She's still smart as a whip and the only person I know who can do maths like Rachel Riley. She can still do sewing patterns her mother taught her in the early 40's late 50's. And these are pretty ornate things.

She will leave a huge grandma shaped hole in my life when she is no longer with us.

 
My grandma turns 70 in 5 days. She basically already uses breathing machine everywhere. So I spend Time with her pretty often. I found my new apartment on this towns so called main Road and she literally lives under 200 metres away.

Chinup, I hope you and your parents the best.❤
 
In my experience, people will only ever do what they want to do. You can try to convince them until you're blue in the face but unless it's something that they want to do you'll be fighting a losing battle and you could just potentially push them away. The harder you push, the harder they push which leads to resentment from both parties.

Refusing to go to the doctors though could just be because ignorance is bliss, some people would rather just not know which is understandable, especially when a diagnosis could completely change the way you have to live your life. I'm not saying it's right but its understandable.

My advice would to just be there for her, encourage her to make positive health choice but don't push too hard. Its never easy watching the people we know and love grow old and I hope you're coping okay, best wishes to your family.
 
^^

Reminds me of an old Cus D'amato saying (old boxing trainer") - "Regardless of what he says, what a man does is what he was going to do all along"
 
Let people do what they want then you will see what they would rather do as well.

Which makes sense to simply leave alone and observe.
 
I dread these days myself, personally.

My parents feel invincible because they've always taken such good care of their kids, but I know they both have their health issues, between my stepmoms pre-diabetes and my stepdads epilepsy. All things considered they are still fairly healthy, but I always have dreaded this kind of stuff.

I guess the only plus to having lost my father in a car wreck is to not have to go through this kind of shit with him.
 
Its extremely difficult no doubt about it. My father passed away recently at 68 after living with cancer for four months and seeing his decline is something that's never going to leave my mind. It was horrific and I still havent properly dealt with it as he's not long buried (August 24th). I know its going to hit me like a tonne of bricks at some point but my mind just wont allow that to happen yet. Even at the funeral I couldn't shed a tear - I was just in a complete daze. I'm sure people probably presume I've come to terms with it but in truth I dont know that I have.

My mother on the other hand, 61, apart from having had a heart attack 4 years ago is extremely mentally sharp and doesn't at all look her age and as far we're aware isnt ill in any manner apparent. I just wish she'd stop smoking but I cant make her.
 
Ismene2 said:
^^

Reminds me of an old Cus D'amato saying (old boxing trainer") - "Regardless of what he says, what a man does is what he was going to do all along"
Click to expand...
I Absolutely love Cus and any excuse to quote him I'll take, so here's one that I thinks relevant to this thread.

I believe nature’s a lot smarter than anyone thinks. During the course of a man’s life he develops a lot of pleasures and people he cares about. Then nature takes them away one by one. It’s her way of preparing you for death.
— Cus D'Amato

Sorry if it's off topic.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top