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Coming Out/Back from the wreckage....

Stargazer

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Hi To All BlueLighters....

I hope you are all well today. I am writing, a post in BL for the first time being clean for a little over a year. Some of that was me changing, and I don't know how I finally stopped using IV heroin everyday. It strangely happened Listen, I was in a fuckload of trouble, and had probation breathing down my neck to find an inpatient rehab....I was in the middle of active addiction when put on probation...ok...I will try to-in short-explain.

A little over a year ago, my house burned down. While firemen were in there, they found paraphernalia. As I said, I was using IV heroin. So, as I was standing outside, in my socks, at 5:30am, in freezing rain...Watching my house burn down -I was getting handcuffed. So after the hearing for that, I had a paraphernalia charge, and it was the first drug type charge I've ever had...I/we (my husband and I), were put on probation for 1yr-which I completed Sept 5. (We were also put in jail for 9 days-I detoxed..hard...cold turkey)

So, in the beginning they knew we were in the middle of active addiction. Naturally, they are not going to go for continuance of using. Anyone that is an addict knows it is one of the hardest things you've ever done to make that initial break. I told my probation officer that addiction doesnt' stop at 5pm, it's a 24 hour thing, and I need 24hr support She gave me a phone number, that I used over and over and over. I'd call so much, the staff knew me.

Now, I was still using, but kept calling and kept looking for an inpatient facility-which I couldn't find one that would take my insurance, etc. I even went to the VA (my husband is an Iraqi combat veteran) and told them I needed help. They said that they couldn't take me. WTF??? I went to them told them "please I have a very bad drug problem, can I be admitted to your inpatient treatment center"...."NO" I was so upset. As I mentioned, probation was breathing down my neck...."you have to get inpatient or else"...ok great.

Somehow, between trying to get inpatient treatment and calling the support line a thousand time, I stopped doing heroin. BUT....after a month and a half of being clean, I violated probation by not following their order of moving from the area we were living, and I was detained..at the probation office. Then put in jail for 6 and 1/2 mos. From Sept to March. For a second time, I detoxed, cold-turkey off of taking 100mg of time-released morphine 3x times a day...having seizures, hallucinating, throwing my guts up, chills, sweats....in a cell naked. A fucking nightmare. Then when I was released, (court ordered) into an inpatient facility...into the chronic pain program...for 31 days.

The chronic pain program was the best thing that ever happened to me. Straight from jail...with my hair down to my waist, in clothes that didn't fit right, no makeup...fat...I walked into a room with 3 people looking at me, and me at them. Needless to say, I was very uncomfortable, still kind of traumatized from being in jail etc. But these people didn't care....they became some of my best friends, and without a doubt, my friends for life. I excelled in that program...

After I completed that I still had 4-5mos of probation to complete. Well I survived getting urine tested sometimes 4 times a week-probation officers coming over when they feel like it, looking through all my things...it was horrible. Well, now I am off of probation, and it's hard to get used to. And scary.

I went through all of my money....probation in the county I live in is strict, and basically strips you of everything you have. I live in second most exspensive county in Pa. So now things are real...and it doesn't feel joyful to off of probation and relieving that I am finished with all of that bullshit. It just means I now have to start at 0 and rebuild my life somehow. Broke. Worried about messing up and using drugs again....but I am not trying to get drugs...It's like an after-shock type feeling.

I messed up my up my entire life re-lasping. What was supposed to be "I can get high a couple times" turned into an almost year long run. Im sorry this is long, but it is the first time I've put everything out in front of me, and to obviously a lot of other people.


Now the positive....mentally I feel better than I ever have in my life. Meeting all those great people in the chronic pain program, including the staff-the nurses and dr's....not only accepted me, as is....they really cared, and liked me. It made me see I am worthwhile to know in spite of all of my flaws and mistakes. When I went there I made my mind up to get every single thing I could out of it. And that was the best decision I've made in a long time.

Through all of this bullshit-being locked up in a max-security jail (for a paraphernalia charge?), and in rehab.....I managed to laugh a lot believe it or not. I made the best of all of it or I would've lost my mind. Having a good sense of humor has always been a blessing for me. Thanks to anyone that read this. Im taking it a little at a time. That's all I can do.
 

Bearlove

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Wow - what a read 8o

It's great that you can still see a positive out of all that you have been through and your in a good place (mentally).

Moved this from Homeless to Sober Living as I feel it would be better appreciated here.

Take care
Bear
 

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
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in a dream
Wow, stargazer, thanks for sharing all that. You have been through a lot and you have every right to feel scared right now! (No doubt you had to be really tough and keep those feelings down when you were locked up so it makes sense for some of this to be residual). Are you and your husband still together and if so, is he using or is he also trying to stay sober?

Are you staying in contact with the people you met in treatment that became your friends? That seems really important for ongoing support. I hope that we can be a similar source of support for you as you find your feet in this new phase of your life. I understand that it can feel terrifying to not have a structure around you anymore. So really pay attention to your feelings and thoughts at this juncture in time--what are your own true thoughts and what is addiction talking in your own head? What are your real fears? How could you address them? What support can you set up so that when PAWS or cravings are getting to you, you have somewhere to turn?

I think you have done amazing work and you are capable of meeting whatever challenges this time throws at you. You have a great attitude and you are obviously a very strong person no matter how vulnerable or weak you may be feeling right now. Trust yourself and be your own best friend--offer encouragement and be proud of your successes every day.<3

Here are some links you may find helpful:

PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW) Excerpted From “Staying Sober” By: Terence T. Gorski
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-acute-withdrawal_syndrome
Managing depressive thinking

Here are some threads in the Recovery section that can help you stay on track every day. They are good check-ins.

Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share Something Positive from Your Day vs. It's All Around You
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 4 Infinite Chances in an Amazing Worldhttp://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/723518-Today-I-Am-Thankful-For-Ver-4-Infinite-Chances-in-an-Amazing-World
Daily Personal Affirmations Log Vs IM THE SHIT & NOT a piece a.. not playing me. NOPE

and finally, here is a thread with resources for mindfulness training which can be a very effective way to change your thinking patterns:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/613916-Post-Your-Best-Mindfulness-Resources-and-Experiences?highlight=post+mindf

Welcome to the Recovery forums!<3
 
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Stargazer

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Thankyou both so much for the encouraging words....yes, I am scared....Something important I've learned jail is not the answer to making a person stop using, in fact I was so angry that I was put in jail, clean from heroin. And I thought about using often. Sort of like "I'll show you"...but of course, very frustratingly realized I am only hurting myself.

I cannot emphasize enough how horrible detoxing was....having seizure after seizure. And when you are in jail, you aren't a person. I had five seizures before it was declared a "medical emergency"....a CO called on her walky talky thing and held it open so medical could hear me seizing. I was making sounds....my body was contorted in positions that if I were able to do they'd be writing books about me lol....Your mouth is also paralyzed while seizing. I was coming in and out of it....I was seizing on the exam table, and a very weird, mean nurse was holding me down with all of her might, talking about me and saying horrible things, and gave me an extremely painful shot in my arm...it felt like razors going into my arm...whatever it was, the serum was probably thick.

So, all kinds of staff were in there, they ripped my clothes off (why I don't know to this day), and some guy was saying "Cmon....now stop...stop" HOW???gs about me....in my mind I wanted to say fuck you..how dare you? But I was not able. Then they carried me to this dungeon like place, and threw me in a cell...and as an afterthought threw a scratchy wool blanket in. I seized two more times in that cell, and they just left me like that....so that is where using drugs can take you.

A few other girls in there, that also used heroin were scared about when they got out. We spoke about it a lot. A girl told me "it's like you forget everything when you get out" Well, not me. I didn't even feel free when I walked out of those doors....I had someone waiting outside to take me straight to rehab. I forgot nothing. I didn't forget how I had to restrain myself from strangling the lady that was in my cell w me. I didn't forget how humiliated I felt in there....I didn't forget being a non-person.

And yes indeed I keep in touch with my friends from the chronic pain program. I miss them every single day. I laughed with them, cried with them, cheered them on. When I was "coined out" the day I left rehab, and you're in a circle and everyone says something about you....We made eye contact and started crying. We had all been through soo much...The social worker told me "look, you have touched every single person in this room...you are a caretaker, and remember to take care of you" It was really emotional lol....its kind of embarrassing to talk about if you weren't there.

It was fun too...when we were in our group meetings, and were asked whats the craziest thing you've done while in unrelenting pain...we all did illogical, insane stuff trying to stop pain. I tried to knock myself out one time, and it didn't work I was still in pain with my head bleeding. Do you think they felt bad? No!! We were laughing so hard! We all, in a good-natured way, showed eachother it's ok to be insane sometimes. By the way, I never lived down trying to knock myself out lol. They were pretending to judge me like a gymnastic contest....because I jumped off the bed and tried to knock myself out on the bedtable lol. The room went silent...my one friend broke the silence and said "Damn that had to be some pain"...He would put on the show cops, and I would be working on my recovery workbook and not notice at first then someone said "I hope this isn't' giving you flashbacks" It really was funny. I can take it. So, I miss them every single day. A piece of my heart is with each of them. Just typing this is making my heart hurt.
 

Stargazer

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I wasn't finished and posted before I was done...Herbavore, I am still with my husband, we've been together almost 16yrs. And yes, he is a challenge. He is not using heroin or trying to....we both detoxed off of opiates and do not ever-God willing-want to become dependent on them. However, other things are coming into play.

There are days when I've sat outside for hours, not knowing what to do. I don't want to trash him publicly. I just want to say yes, it's not easy. It feels good not to be using...I go to an addiction counselor every Friday. He has a dog, and at first, I basically sat there talking to the dog, while the counselor awkwardly stared at me. When I told him I felt weird sitting there not talking to eachother he said I was defensive....omg lmao.

But I've been seeing him now about 2-3mos. and we're starting to get somewhere. Counseling in painful, hopeful and sometimes there's times I just talk to the dog. But that's real life I think. Real life is the challenge Now the hard part starts. I want my story to be a good one....that I somehow got my life back together, and not just mediocre but worthwhile....

I want to work with kids. Like little kids that are sick....do art therapy with them, read to them, talk w them . So that's it...wow..that was a lot. Thanks so much again.
 

Stargazer

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PS- it feels good to be in Sober Living. That's quite a change...<3:)
 

PriestTheyCalledHim

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 7, 2005
Messages
11,015
Congratulations. Good luck.

Sometimes what seems horrible at the time is what we really need to get help. A friend of mine got sober when they were arrested for paraphernalia possession as well.
 

dognasher

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Jun 27, 2013
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Denver, Colorado
Wowzers Stargazer! You are one tough lady. To be honest, everything that happened to you is my greatest fear as a mom and junkie, and to see how you wear able to bear up under such pressure and STAY CLEAN, well, it is nothing short of amazing. Really. Wow.

It's hard enough to stay sober and know that you were lucky to avoid any serious consequences, but to go through all that and still take the high road out....it's something to be very proud of. I hope you know that.
 

Stargazer

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Dognasher....<3 Thankyou for your kind words. You too, should be so proud of yourself. No, it's not easy, as we both know...If you had to go through what I did, I know you'd rise to the occasion. Somehow, we just do. And thankyou again. Your comment means a lot to me.
 

SmokingAces

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Joined
Sep 12, 2014
Messages
2,299
Stargazer it's amazing you were put through all that and have turned it into such a positive tale. Your government is nuts, and why you were jailed was wrong, but the fact you have turned this on it's head into such a positive outcome is quite inspiring.
 

manboychef

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May 15, 2013
Messages
4,050
Location
central florida
Stargazer, your story resonated well with me. I went to jail as well and detoxed in there a number of times. They do dehumanize you, there is no sympathy for a prisoner.

I love the fact that you have been able to maintain your sobriety. It gives me hope that I can maintain mine. I too see a therapist and it is helpful. The first meeting was pretty similar. I just made really awkward small talk with him. I guess the trust wasn't there yet.

Something I find useful is mindful meditation. There are a lot of really negative/heartache causing things in my life right now, but using guided/mindful meditation with my therapist helps me feel at peace with them.

It is awesome that you want to work with kids. Someday I want to teach kids how to eat properly and cook meals instead of eating fast food, and junkfood. I have been an executive chef at a country club...but I would find helping children would be a higher calling than that. It really shows you have a generous and kind nature.

Remember, you always have a confidant in me. We went through similar stuff, PM if you ever want to talk.
 

Stargazer

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Manboy....<3 I have cravings.....a lot. But, I tell myself just because I crave it doesn't mean I have to do it. It's not easy....but I am ok. I am.

Cooking is one of my favorite things to do...it relaxes me. Teaching kids to cook-healhy...and to cook well is one of the greatest gifts possible. Being an executive chef is as stressful as hell. You have my admiriation for not losing your shit lol.

I read your thread.....and how you went through the big lie of the "drugs make me a better me"....then destroy everything. I know that one all too well. Its so mind-boggling that I forgot how to live .... I have learned through the shit-storm that my emotional problems caused a lot of my mess....and needed to be addressed.

I was put in Neurotin, for nerve-pain....which it didn't do much for...but, it did stop my severe anxiety and panic attacks. I also started to have hope. I didn't realize I never had any until I did have it...if that make sense.

I have lost all of my money....have nothing. Now, with the help of proper meds, counseling....there just may be hope for me yet. And something I found out just last week in counseling....what I was looking for all along, trying to get from dope was that safe feeling when my mom tucked me in when I was little. My relationship w her was complex. She was both soothing and abusive/unsettling....just like heroin. Thankyou everyone for taking the time to respond and be so supportive. We all have this in us. PM me anytime to anyone that would want to .
 

Bernc1

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 22, 2015
Messages
195
I read your thread last night (after you commented on a post I made) but was having a rough night to say the least....today I wanted to be sure to reread it and comment.

You, my dear, have been through the ultimate fires of hell yet somehow made your way back out. You're an ULTIMATE inspiration to ALL<3!!!!! To say I admire all you've been through and that you're remaining "clean"? That would be an understatement!!!

Tons upon tons of love is coming your way<3! Keep up the AMAZING work<3!!!
 

Stargazer

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Struggling with opioid use/detox seeking support (Recovery Journal)

I know Im going to sound like a light-weight in what Im about to ask... but I need your advice.

I am an opiate-heroin addict. I became an opiate addict "accidentally " at first. A long time ago Due to chronic pain (I have chronic cluster headaches) After all protocol was tried and I was med-resitant- OxyContin was prescribed which I was told was non-addictive, long-acting and much better than short-acting meds like Fiorinal w codeine, percocet, etc.

Not only did I need pain meds- I liked them. I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks and had since about the age of 15. At least 15 was when I was able to articulate my feelings of anxiety and panic. So the many years opiate journey began...

In skipping over alot-(my story is here on BL under my original username-Stargazer-which I can't sign in with (?)). I ended up diagnosed w Bi-Polar 2 when I was in jail and alot of things made sense

I have been through withdrawal more times than I'd be able to count. I detoxed cold-turkey twice off of 300mgs of morphine a day and a bundle to a bundle and a half of heroin a day IV. Which included seizures and hallucinating. I wasn't on benzos consistently nor do I drink- so where the seizures came from I don't know.

I was clean about a yr and a half and started using a couple times a month-maybe 3 days at a time. But since about the last week of December and this month- w the exception of one and two days in between- So Ive used everyday except 3 or 4. Im sorry this is confusing

I want to go back into rehab, Ive been working on that all week -but cannot afford it. My insurance only covers so much Im extremely disappointed about that as Ive wanted to go back from the very first back-slide I was wondering what kind of withdrawal and how long should I expect?

For comfort meds-Im going to get some loperamide, possibly tramadol and possibly some lyrica - thats in the works right now -not sure if it will work out

This am I woke up feeling horrible. I had some h left and did that. I have neurontin, but I take that everyday for bi-polar. It doesn't work quite the same for w/d for me I guess due to taking it daily. Thanks for any advice and suggestions.

Ps- Ive been reading about Kratom but it is confusing. And it has to be ordered. Something I should've done days ago if I was going to-(I really don't want to use h again.)I have bad reactions to weed. It causes severe panic attacks and paranoia. Is Kratom similar in any way?

My hat is off to Sim and Sixx. You guys are bosses.
 
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simco

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with the dead crow god
I know Im going to sound like a light-weight in what Im about to ask... but I need your advice.

I am an opiate-heroin addict. I became an opiate addict "accidentally " at first. A long time ago Due to chronic pain (I have chronic cluster headaches) After all protocol was tried and I was med-resitant- OxyContin was prescribed which I was told was non-addictive, long-acting and much better than short-acting meds like Fiorinal w codeine, percocet, etc.

Not only did I need pain meds- I liked them. I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks and had since about the age of 15. At least 15 was when I was able to articulate my feelings of anxiety and panic. So the many years opiate journey began...

In skipping over alot-(my story is here on BL under my original username-Stargazer-which I can't sign in with (?)). I ended up diagnosed w Bi-Polar 2 when I was in jail and alot of things made sense

I have been through withdrawal more times than I'd be able to count. I detoxed cold-turkey twice off of 300mgs of morphine a day and a bundle to a bundle and a half of heroin a day IV. Which included seizures and hallucinating. I wasn't on benzos consistently nor do I drink- so where the seizures came from I don't know.

I was clean about a yr and a half and started using a couple times a month-maybe 3 days at a time. But since about the last week of December and this month- w the exception of one and two days in between- So Ive used everyday except 3 or 4. Im sorry this is confusing

I want to go back into rehab, Ive been working on that all week -but cannot afford it. My insurance only covers so much Im extremely disappointed about that as Ive wanted to go back from the very first back-slide I was wondering what kind of withdrawal and how long should I expect?

For comfort meds-Im going to get some loperamide, possibly tramadol and possibly some lyrica - thats in the works right now -not sure if it will work out

This am I woke up feeling horrible. I had some h left and did that. I have neurontin, but I take that everyday for bi-polar. It doesn't work quite the same for w/d for me I guess due to taking it daily. Thanks for any advice and suggestions.

Ps- Ive been reading about Kratom but it is confusing. And it has to be ordered. Something I should've done days ago if I was going to-(I really don't want to use h again.)I have bad reactions to weed. It causes severe panic attacks and paranoia. Is Kratom similar in any way?

My hat is off to Sim and Sixx. You guys are bosses.
First, you're NOT a lightweight... that's a hell of a lot to have been through!

Second thing... could you expand a little bit on the question you're asking? Are you seeking help on comfort meds? Or maybe your question is more about dealing with your bipolar and addiction stuff organically? All of the above? I just want to make sure I'm helping. Maybe say a little more about what you're feeling stuck on?

<3
Sim
 

Stargazer

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And you too TPD-Ive been a fan for awhile. You rock.

And I have found myself being negative as of late myself- my husband doesn't make staying clean easy. I spoke w my counselor from rehab and we were planning on me having more options and a better support system. I messed up my sobriety on my own- I take full responsibility fir it. I must have a solid plan in place. All of your posts help soooo much. i thank and thinkmof your bravery and commitment all of the time. Including NSA-whom I thought of for strength while naked seizind and hallucinating on the floor in jail. Thank God for BL.
 

Stargazer

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Messages
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Hey Sim. Hope work is going ok. I hate typing on the phone- dont have a keyboard right now so this shit takes forever to type.

Im asking about how hard Im about to get hit w w/d after about a 3wk run. And what you'd suggest to get through it best.

After all these years of being addicted to opiates I have no experience w the reverse lol. Meaning being clean for a yr and a half then going on a 3wk rin and stopping cold turkey. My sobriety, being off of opiates was a miracle to me and very hard won- so I don't want to go back. And am scared I will and the seizure thing is on my mind. They were violent and happened both times I CT'd. My house burnt down 2yrs ago and I got arrested for paraphernalia- empty bags and rigs were found. What a shitty day that was.

Thanks for your time Sim.
 

simco

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 20, 2014
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And you too TPD-Ive been a fan for awhile. You rock.

And I have found myself being negative as of late myself- my husband doesn't make staying clean easy. I spoke w my counselor from rehab and we were planning on me having more options and a better support system. I messed up my sobriety on my own- I take full responsibility fir it. I must have a solid plan in place. All of your posts help soooo much. i thank and thinkmof your bravery and commitment all of the time. Including NSA-whom I thought of for strength while naked seizind and hallucinating on the floor in jail. Thank God for BL.
I know what you mean. I've spent so much of my life just hating the fuck out of myself. Getting strung out on heroin made all that even worse. I hope you can let yourself off the hook, at least a little bit. Try to remember--you may have had a setback in your sobriety, but that doesn't mean AT ALL that you set your progress back to zero. If nothing else, you've learned that you have the strength to get back up after you fall. And I bet there's plenty more here to be learned. At least in early recovery, I feel like most of the hard work really lies in finding what our own, individual strengths are. ..and I mean that literally, not just as a cliche.

Keep up the excellent fucking work, man!
 
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