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Break up after 6 years

js420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
47
Why did you throw out her stuff?
did she throw out something of yours?
I threw them out after she threw a decent amount of my mdma(that we shared) out and when i asked her if she thought that was ok she said "yep". Anyway it dosent excuse what i did and how ive been treating her
 

js420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
47
Talk to us...what is going on?
Just alot of sadness and anxiety. Never cried or had so many panick attacks in the last 24 hours. And because i usually go see the kids each afternoon its going to be hard to deal with avoiding her and the kids. The more im around her the harder it is. I really want to message her, but even when i did she would ignore half my messages.
 

Phantasia

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
51
Have you considered an official visitation agreement? Maybe exchanging the kids on neutral ground? Sadness and anxiety are perfectly normal and healthy UNLESS it triggers you to abuse drugs and/or alcohol or to harm yourself in some way. Then you should seek professional help. Just remember that every day that goes by is more emotional distance from your ex. Do you exercise? I'm a long distance runner and running has always been my best way to feel better mentally.
 

js420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
47
We havnt spoken about the visits yet. Ive not really been in the right head space to. Finding it hard to not talk to her, finally broke down at work today and told my mate about whats been going on, he confirmed everything you all have been saying to keep distance. I have to keep reminding myself that as torturous as it is.

I do gardening for work, i wouldnt say i go out and specifically exercise but working gets the blood pumping and the sweat flowing.

Thanks for everyones input, this is the hardest time ive ever gone through.
 

Deru

Moderator: CEPS
Staff member
Joined
May 18, 2020
Messages
1,952
Honestly, if you really want to do what's best: take this time to focus on you. Your girl is a completely seperate being, she has her own life, her own needs and wants. She deserves to be with someone who can provide those things. So, if she hasn't been getting what she needs, then two options. Work on yourself, become a better person, and then see where things may lead. It's not fair to want another human life to be unhappy just because you don't want to lose it, as mentioned earlier, that's bordering on ownership/control. You need to find happiness from within, and then either cultivate a healthier relationship with her (if that's what she would want, time apart can give perspective, and she may decide that and then you can be ready) or, there's 3 billion + other females out there on this Earth.

Tl;dr : Focus on working on yourself, first. Then you can focus on external factors. I had to do very similar things in my life, it fucking sucked, but I am thankful everyday because I finally met my wife and wouldn't have had it any other way. I had to be able to cultivate healthy relationships to expect anyone to want to be with me.
 

js420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
47
Thanks Deru, you are right.

guess ill keep trying to soldier on as hard as it is, thoughts just plague my mind, im doing what i can to distract myself. I guess i just need time. Id love to amend things, but she dosent feel the same. Maybe in the future something will happen.

Shes also been using me abit, having sex the other week 3 nights in a row, then relling me right after "it means nothing" and then yesterday she was getting insecure about her weight and what the new guys shes talking to will think.. basically hitting me up for reassurance then asking if i wantedto come and hang out cuz she wanted company to make herself feel better about her self.

ive started speaking to a new girl recently, shes pretty amazing, in a similar situation as me aswell, has 2 kids and lingering feelings for her ex.

She helps take my mind off things, although ultimately im still hooked on my ex for the time being. Im trying not to get roped into a new relationship, just being chill at the moment. Its hard to see myself with anyone else but my ex, but it is what it is.

ill continue to chat to this new girl, we seem to be on the same page and there is an attraction between us, im keen to see where it goes. Shes very caring and understanding, and beautiful.
 

js420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
47
So the ex sent a message saying if she slept with someone else would that be the end for me in terms of wanting to get back with her. I didnt message back. Then 5 hours later sends the message again, so i called her and said why are you asking me this, she was very straight, i said "if your asking me this it makes me think maybe u still have a feeling for me" which she said yes too. I asked her the same question and she said she woukd be hurt, and i said yeh well so would i and it would change the way i feel and look at you.

Then basically went on about her insecurities again, told me even more hurtful things about this guy shes likes, says shes incredibly scared and doubtful about everything.

I just told her straight "you know how I feel, your hurting me even more, the convosation should have just ended at that"

Using me as an emotional bandaid and coming back to me cuz im familar and i help her insecurities. You know how i feel so how about you fuck off!
 

js420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
47
bit of an update.

so after my last post we had a chat and she missed talking to me, we had a serious talk that afternoon and agreed to try to take things slow, and i understood how she felt overall.

over the last 2 weeks weve spent alot of time together, we took mdma a couple of times and really bonded, she had a sparkle in her eye and it was like we met for the first time again. I thought things are looking pretty good at the moment.

Then a few days ago we had a couple arguments about her mother looking after the kids one night and we would get to spend time together, in the end her mum didnt come through with the offer and i got abit angry and sad(i was half a bottle of wine in so that didnt fucking help..fuel to the fire) and we had an argument, she thought i was angry at her, which i wasnt i was frustrated and angry with her mum.

Also one of the nights we had sex on mdma i came in her vagina.. twice. and it turns out when she checked her period tracker app she was ovulating from a day or 2 before. I was really shocked, i was convinced shes pregnant(still waiting for her to get her period to see) and i said things like "i really dont think its a good idea to have another kid at the moment if you are" i mentioned to her if she should go on the pill and she reacted pretty badly to that, gave me a list of reasons as to why she didnt want to, weight gain, acne etc. Left the convosation on a real sour note and then said to me "youve put yourself back to sqaure one"

In recent days shes told me shes been fightning within herself, she feels like she just wants to be friends with me.

I accidently saw her phone and saw an old mate message her. I asked so your crush is with Corbin.. and she said yes, she didnt want to tell me because of what it will do to me. She said that the last 2 weeks shes been really trying with me, she stopped talking to corbin and ignoring his messages, but ulitmately under everything she did still think well "what if" and thats basically where qe are at at the moment.

Spoke a couple of hours ago, i spent the night at hers(no sex) shes clear she just wants to be friends but knows i feel more then that, and want what we had. she has more feelings towards corbin(i should add they met once at a bush doof while we were together 4 years ago and found him attractive) more feelings then she has for me, at the moment she says her feelings for me arnt there, thats not to say those feelings wont grow in time, its just extremely.. EXTREMELY hard to take. She said i need to be charming, which ive been trying, like ive really put alot ofenergy into the past 2 weeks to show her how much I care.

We spoke how its best to have a break of speaking, distance to let the heart grow fonder and relise we miss each other and want to be together. But my fear is if we stop talking(basically impossible having kids together we text everyday) she will have more time to think about him and not me, yeh maybe shell relise she wants me, but my feelings arnt good about that.

I spent the night with her last night, we cuddled and i could see she was sending long messages to someone, i asked who ot was and she had a pretty petty answer saying it was a friend and its nothing but I could just feel it, and her body language was speaking volumes. We did end up sorta passing out together untill we decided we need to get to bed (she sleeps with the kids in her bed)

knowing that its an old mate shes talking to, theyq talked about how they wanted to have sex(which turned her off immediately thats when she started messaging me more) and saying they both like each other.. its ripping me to peices.

She hasnt seen him in 4 years, theyre are no plans for them to meet up at the moment, shes been very honest. and he lives an hour away, and its hard for her to make plans with the kids etc. She says honestly its just friendly chat at the moment, nothing sexual has been spoken about since the night she was put off, they dont speak all day everyday, just here and there and they are just friends. The message i saw at 3pm feom him said "hows your day going" so i believe they dont talk all day everyday, but i believe theres more to it then just "friendly chat" if you say you like someone and they say the same thing back and then talk anout wanting to have sex, thats more then just friendly talk. Again, this was 2 or 3 weeks ago they spoke about that. She said she smiles when she gets a message from him aswell.

So i dont know what to do, i am absolutely riddled sick with anxiety, she has stronger feelings for him then me at the moment, she says there is a part of her that wants hang onto me because we have a family but right now she dosent have those same feelings, so its hard.

Ive been fucked up since the talk a couple hours ago, a real mess. I feel like im living the worst nightmare possible and theres nothing i can do.

I want to know what you guys all think.

Ive asked her all im asking for is to hang out mutually and for her to try to keep an open mind about us getting back together in the future, there is a part of her that wants to, but things are very complicated. And on top of this we are awaiting to see if shes pregnant, which i kind of hope she is(i know i said initially we/i wasnt ready but after i slept on the thought i woke up the next day accepting of the fact that if she does get pregnant its not the end of the world, and i would actually like a 3rd child) so that Corbin fucks off as she will never get an abortion and has always wanted 3 or 4 kids. Sounding selfish of me? probabaly so.

What do you all think? Whats my best line of action to go about this? I want her to get those feelings back, which she was showing abit the past 2 weeks but rhe arguments had a big impact on her. Obviously i dont want to put any pressure on her, but fuck me its so hard i dont know what to do..

I really needed to rant this out its been eating at me for hours now. Im prescribed valium, ive eaten 10 mg and feeling abit more calm, writing this out is distracting me aswell, you guys always have good advice and its good to get random peoples perspectives and experiences. Its why I love bluelight so much.

Help me out guys im really struggling.
 

Sirena Oscura

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 22, 2020
Messages
235
Location
Sydney
Wow the start of that post gave me hope for you guys but by the end I’m not so sure.

It seems like the best response you got from her was when you weren’t seeing or talking to her as much. Maybe it’s time to go back to that and let her sort out how she feels and you work on yourself with that psychologist for example. So far you’re giving her the emotional support she needs and attention she wants without anything really in return.

Seems like you should avoid mind altering substances around her if they cause you to react badly too- the wine. If she gets fed up over one argument that’s not a good sign as it’s a part of relationships that we have arguments sometimes- it’s just how you handle them. Maybe you BOTH should see a psychologist/counsellor together? Find out where the underlying hostility is coming from on both sides.

I wouldn’t worry about Corbin right now- as you said, it’s a bit hard for her to start something there with two kids to look after. Maybe Corbin just wants a lay and isn’t ready for the responsibility of looking after two kids with a woman that aren’t his?
 

js420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
47
Wow the start of that post gave me hope for you guys but by the end I’m not so sure.

It seems like the best response you got from her was when you weren’t seeing or talking to her as much. Maybe it’s time to go back to that and let her sort out how she feels and you work on yourself with that psychologist for example. So far you’re giving her the emotional support she needs and attention she wants without anything really in return.

Seems like you should avoid mind altering substances around her if they cause you to react badly too- the wine. If she gets fed up over one argument that’s not a good sign as it’s a part of relationships that we have arguments sometimes- it’s just how you handle them. Maybe you BOTH should see a psychologist/counsellor together? Find out where the underlying hostility is coming from on both sides.

I wouldn’t worry about Corbin right now- as you said, it’s a bit hard for her to start something there with two kids to look after. Maybe Corbin just wants a lay and isn’t ready for the responsibility of looking after two kids with a woman that aren’t his?
Thanks for your reply NEM.

Yeah I just got a long message from her. Shes pretty set in her ways. She says she will keep an open mind about us but she needs time to figure out what she wants.

Corbin has said hes not after a relationship, he had a kid 6 months ago. he just wants a root and caitlin said she dosent just do thay and would need to date for that to happen.

i dont really have much hope now. Im gonna stop messaging her from now on and see what happens.

And im.continuing to see my psych and sort myself out. Ive just always struggled with anxiety and emotions and this is up there with the worse thing ive gone through in life.
 

js420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
47
Wish I had just listened to everyone telling me to stay away. All you guys and my work mate said the same thing. Got in the work ute and my mate could tell i was down, broke down and told him what was happening and he was pretty straight with me and said I need to fuck her off.


Hurting more then i was 2 weeks ago why didnt i just listen.
 

js420

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
47
Hey E.

Not good at all. We spoke yesterday how we needed a break and then i left, then she texted me a sad face saying "eh" then like an addicitions hours later i cracked and messaged her and ig just really sucks and is incredibly hard.

i thibk the problem here is because we are still yet to have a day apart of talking or seeing each other im not giving her any chance to miss me. and when i left yesterday she did miss me and wanted me to come back straight away and started crying. thats what made me crack.

i spoke to my psych about this before i saw her yesterday. i know i need to do whats right for me but its just so hard when shes always on my mind. the other night we told each other how weve been best friends and each others "rock" since we met.

ehhhh fuck man i need to just give her space. seriously just man up and do it and see what happens!!
 

DeadManWalkin'

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
3,275
Location
Saudi Arabia
Listen man, stop texting her.
If she has another man in her eyes, she will not give fuck and you texting her all the time makes you just look weak and simpy.
Wait a second, she will call you. I never text women if we go off and it can take 2 weeks, but they will surely as hell call you.
You seriously think she will find something serious in Tinder?
Yeah, sure. She'll get banged by some guy who doesn't even want to commit and soon after realizing that she'll be crawling back to the safe and warm old relationship.
Just give it time.
Also, is the all blame in you? You sound like you are blaming yourself in every possible way, but see her as completely innocent.
Focus on yourself, do what's good for you and get your life together. This will make you more attractive in her eyes, but i wouldn't take a woman back after a breakup. Never, since it sends wrong message.
You know why women have these guy friends? They're men with lower value than you, but they keep them around as back up plan. Not every guy friend, but some of them.
I have read multiple studies, how like 60-70% of married American women have plan B's.
Women almost never leaves a relationship, unless they have another guy around. Extreme cases, like domestic abuse can be expections, but yeh.
 
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